Congrats on the giants, could not beat the redskins was the best team in the world. [laughter] truly an inspiration. He proved really hard, and your older brother, breaks his neck. You can succeed. Lets take a look back, at the eyes of the most passionate and embarrassing fans. [cheers] [laughter] okay. Okay. Visit. [laughter] i hate this. [laughter] [laughter] hey, bad. Oh, no. No, no. [laughter] oh, boy. And, get [bleep] out of my house. And i dont i dont want to hear anything from any of you. [laughter] the playoffs. Whoa chou whoa theres always next year, goodnight, mayan gence. Stephen tonight, a new threat from north korea. How will mach eye and klinger hand this will one . laughter then, can homosexuality be cured . And what will that mean for bravos ratings . laughter plus, my guest, author Malcolm Gladwell wrote the forward the new yorkers big book of dogs. I wonder if dog fancy has a big book of gladwells. laughter its now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful. laughter this is the colbert report cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome, ladies and gentlemen audience chanting stephen cheers and applause stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report, folks, thank you for joining us. Its great to be me. Nation, its a special time of the year. Weve been looking forward to it for months now. And wherever you go you can see the twinkle in little childrens eyes because they know in a few short weeks the fiscal cliff is coming to town merry cliffmas laughter and with a dramatic name like fiscal cliff, its got to be exciting. Jim . The president is asking for 1. 6 trillion in revenue. 600 billion in tax hikes. Entitlement reform. Dividends and capital gains. Discretionary spending. laughter cheers and applause what happened, is it over . bleep oak, folks, ill admit it. I dont want to talk about the fiscal cliff and you dont want to hear about it. For the next 20 days, all pundit are contractually obligated to talk budgetary policy and you the viewer are obligated to listen. Check your cable contract. laughter its right below the part where come cast gets your kidneys. Theyll be there to pick them up tomorrow between the hours of 9 00 a. M. And 6 00 p. M. Wear something loose. laughter if the parties here cannot agree to a budget deal by january 1, automatic spending cuts will kick in and plunge america into a second recession things are not looking too good. In washington, a fly in the ointment. Debt deal negotiations have stalled. The fiscal cliff stalemate remains. The standoff continues. There isnt a lot of reason for hope. Democrats and republicans are blaming each other for the stalled negotiations. Whos going to blink sglirs whats going to blink first. The white house is daring republicans literally to blink. laughter Stephen Obama is daring republicans literally to blink. Well, the jokes on him laughter because i know some republicans who had their eyelids surgically removed. laughter cheers and applause now obama wont budge off his calls for 1. 6 trillion in new tax revenue over the coming decade, mostly from increasing tax rates and taxes on upperbracket earners. Folks, thats just punishing our nations job creators. Americas billionaires are the engine that drives our economy through Smart Investments and occasionally through dumb ones. laughter today House Speaker john boehner struck back with his plan to cut spending by demanding obama come up with boehners plan to cut spending. laughter a lot of people know that the president and i met on sunday it was a nice meeting, it was cordial but were still waiting for the white house to identify what spending cuts the president is willing to make, where are the president s spending cuts . Stephen now critics say the speaker is just asking democrats to put specifics in into the republican proposal but i say thats kind of fun. It makes the budget into a giant madlib. For instance, we agree to cut ten be zillion from the program that gives ukuleles to the sticky poor. Toilet boom cheers and applause we will have more on this story if i have to. laughter nation, theres a danger lurking around every corner. Thats why i say we must start making all of our buildings round. laughter this is the threat down. cheers and applause first up, folks, i always keep watch on our international enemies, especially north korea. And their dear leader kim jongun. In my book he is public enemy number un. laughter so i was terrified to learn that pyongyangs History Institute of the d. P. R. K. Academy of social sciences made this shocking discovery. An eyebrowraising announcement out of north korea. The state news agency there claims that archaeologists have just located an ancient unicorn lair. laughter stephen thats right. North korea has unicorn technology. laughter they said i was crazy when i called far glitter defense shield armed with ballistic sparkley stickers. laughter folks, this brings me to threat number two, commie unicorns. laughter this is a huge boon to north korea. And not just because someone there has finally found a source of protein. To make this earthshattering discovery, north korean archaeologists had to travel 200 meters from a temple in the capital city pyongyang and then look down to see a rectangular rock carved with the words unicorn lair. laughter it makes sense its labeled, how else would the mailman know where to deliver the rainbows . laughter folks, listen to me here this has dangerous geopolitical ramifications because it gives historical legitimacy to the regime of kim jongun by linking him to an ancient ruler who according to koreas history books road a unicorn and, as a key qlan, he road it gangnam style. cheers and applause one second, i just want to write down the last time i am legally allowed to reference gangnam style. laughter get that off to the library of congress. Thank you very much. Heres the danger, folks this will attract impressionable american girls to communism. Look at this traditional rendering of a north korean unicorn. What little girl wouldnt love to cuddle up with a catfish faced reptilian horse beast . laughter dont do it, girls because weve got better mythical creatures right here in america like big foot or a moderate republican. cheers and applause hey, it could be out there. Maybe david brooks will let you braid his hair. laughter next up the recession hit men particularly hard and this mansession has affected traditional gender roles. With the collapse of Home Building former construction workers are staying home with their kids and according to the New York Times some retailers are taking advantage of this trend. Barbie has a new accessory and its a tool belt. The New York Times reports mattel is introducing a construction set for barbie. Stephen folks a construction set is no place for barbie, those erector set workers are going to cat call her and ask her to back it up like a tonka truck. laughter which brings me to threat number one foreman barbie. Im sorry but im against this new megablocks construction set barbie. She cant operate heavy machinery. Barbies ankles arent even load bearing. laughter besides, ken has more carpentry experience. Remember, he lost his genitals in a table saw accident. And folks thats okay, ill tell you why theres a mansession, barbie here is hogging all the jobs shes a doctor, an astronaut, a race car driver, a police officer, a flight attendant, a computer engineer, a firefighter, a dentist, a pail i dont know tolgsz and a fox news anchor. cheers and applause so barbie, leave these jobs for the fellas. Youre giving men a bad selfimage and youre only supposed to do that to girls well be right back. cheers and applause uae e e e iki÷z÷za stephen cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. Nation, everybody who watches this show knows that we are engaged in a war against the gays. The latest battlefield is california where governor jerry brown recently signed a law banning gay repairive the therapy treatments aimed at turning gay kids straight. Just because the American PsychologicalAssociation Says gay conversion therapy can cause depression and suicide attempts. Big deal so does lunesta. laughter thats just ambien for gay people. Thats why theres a butterfly. Fortunately thats true. Its true. Fortunately, federal judge william shove told california to shove it. The state of california has been blocked from enforcing a new ban on therapy that seeks to change the Sexual Orientation of minors from gay to straight. A federal judge ruled the law may inhibit the First Amendment rights of therapists who oppose homosexuality. Stephen damn straight these kids need our help. Not only are they gay, look how blurry they are laughter thats all right. Folks, this is a good call because these antigay treatments are proven. A recent lawsuit in new jersey highlighted some of the most effective methods antigay therapists use. In another exercise a man has to break through a human barricade that i was a part of in order to seize two oranges that were meant to symbolize his testicles. He was then instructed to squeeze the juice from them and drink them and put the oranges in his pants in order to represent gaining his testicles. The symbolic absence of them supposedly being a cause of his homosexuality. audience reacts cheers and applause stephen also a great way to provide freshsqueezed o. J. For the clinics breakfast bar. Others had patients beating an effigy of their mothers with a tennis racket, being subjected to ridicule as faggots and visiting bathhouses and ordered to be nude with father figures. Well, that makes perfect sense. They cure you by throwing you in a room with a bunch of naked men. Its like when your dad caught you smoking and forced you to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes with a bunch of naked men. laughter applause judge shove reminds us that the evidence of emotional damage caused by gay conversion therapy is based on questionable and scientifically incomplete studies unlikely to satisfy the demands of strict scrutiny. Exactly theres no Scientific Consensus that with stand the sort of strict scrutiny that stuffing oranges down your pants does. laughter because if we outlaw these therapies weve have no choice but to sit back and let people be gay just like we gave up on curing lefthandedness. laughter and now weve got one of them the white house. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is the author of bestselling book blink the Tipping Point and outliars. Ill ask what he reads on an airplane. Please welcome Malcolm Gladwell. cheers and applause malcolm, good to see you again, thanks for coming back. Old home week, havent had you on in a while. Good to have you on again. Good to be back. Stephen you are here because youre a renown author already. You have your blink outliars all that good stuff. You have a new book that youve written the forward by and have a couple stories in here of your own called the big new yorker book of dogs. Ill get straight to my problem with this. laughter okay . You know ive got a problem with this, right . Im sure you do. Stephen that cant come as a surprise to you. The new yorker, okay . You think pieces you write think pieces. Why do you want to make me think about my dog . laughter i feel about my dog and my dog loves me back unconditionbly, why ruin that with thinking about it . laughter well, these are exceptions, i think, to the typical new yorker story. When it comes to writing about our dogs we let our hair down a little bit. Stephen you let your hair up of course. laughter well, i wasnt including myself. Stephen what who does your grooming, by the way . Do you ever crack an egg in there to keep it silky . I dont. Stephen you should, you should. If we all let our hair down when were talking about our dogs you say our dogs do you have a dog . I dont have a dog. Stephen you dont have a dog. Okay. My building doesnt allow dogs. Im an aspirational dog owner. laughter stephen really. So if you had the ability you would own a dog . Someday i hope to own a dog. I grew up with dogs. Stephen were you raised by wolfes . laughter grew up with dogs . I had dogs my parents had dogs when i was a child and i dont know this is perhaps why i was asked to write the forward because ive done things on behalf of dogs. Stephen i know this. A but the years ago i saved a dog that was on death row in new jersey. An akita named taro who had been wrongly convicted, as it turns out, of biting a young girl. And i did an enormous expose on this. And the dog was granted a reprieve. A stay of execution. And relocated to new york state. cheers and applause i feel ive learned my stripes when it comes to the issue of dogs. Stephen so youre soft on dog crime . Yes. Stephen what is it about dogs that makes intelligent men, gifted women, great minds, look at them and say whos a good boy . Is this that something evolutionary inn us that makes us good speaks gibberish laughter because you cant help but do it. Well, dogs were evolved to Pay Attention to us. Stephen or made by god perfectly to Pay Attention to us. Theyre an extraordinary example of a species that we have bread on the basis of their of how much attention they pay to us and how closely they look a us in the eye and how attentive they hang on our every word. Its the most narcissistic thing weve ever done as human beings. laughter stephen so its the best thing weve ever done. As far as were concerned, because we are the ones who are the subject of the narcissism. Yes. I dog pays more attention to your face than a human being does because dogs have much better eyesight than we do and they have much better hearing and obviously much better smell. Stephen my dog gipper and i are always in constant competition as to who can pay more attention to me. laughter everything has to be political these days. I havent seen much political in here. Everything has to be political in our lives today, you know this. What is the conservative dog and what is the liberal dog . Well, this may by one of those wonderful examples that doesnt have. Stephen wrong, wrong. The president s dog bo is the liberal dog. Its a portuguese water dog, okay . Why not an American Water dog . Conservative dogs . I dont know. I mean, thats a. Stephen checkers. That was nixons dog. But remember checkers was given to nixon by that was the whole scandal. Were both dating ourselves. I wish i could date myself. laughter again, im paying a lot more attention to me than i dog is. Cats war war worshipped by ancient egyptians. Does anybody worship dogs . New yorkers worship their dogs. The particular status of the new york city dog who is pampered but also the same time whose owner feels guilty about having their dog in new york city. Right . I mean, its an extraordinarily this relationship defined by guilt i think one of the most extraordinary things, the most unique things about dog in new york is that this is one of the few places in the world where humans also poop on the sidewalk. laughter yes, there is. Stephen they fit in. laughter well on that note, Malcolm Gladwell, thank you so much for joining me. The new yorker book of dogs. Be a good boy and go fetch one. Well be right backck cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Now for your yuletide enjoyment the new host from live at Lincoln Center and broadway star Audra Mcdonald. Hit it, andy. I really cant stay baby, its cold outside ive got to go away baby its cold outside this evening has been so very nice ill squeeze your hands, theyre just like ice my mother will start to veryry and father will be pacing the floor listen to fir place roar so really i gotta scurry well, maybe just a half a drink more put the some records on while a pour the neighbors might think baby, its bad out there say, whats in this drink . I wish i knew how to break the spell ill take your hat, your lair looks swell i ought to say no, no, no, at least im going to say that i tried whats the use of hurting my pride i really cant stay, oh, but its cold outside baby, its cold outside cheers and applause stephen Audra Mcdonald cheers and applause stephen than captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause jon welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart weve got a good one for you tonight. Weve got a good one. Our guest, laura linney. Shes in the new movie in hyde park on the hudson. Daisy was apparently f. D. R. s confidante at a time when confidante meant guy i have sex with. laughter we begin tonight in michigan where ten months ago michigans Governor Rick Snyder laughter . Thats dee snyder. Duke snyder. Thats roy scheider. laughter . cheers and applause thats just a picture of me looking aknowed with this bit. There we go. Rick snyder. Anyway, this bleep guy