cheers and applause you can rely on the old mans money stephen now laughs whoo cheers and applause now i know that lotto money is going to be mine, okay . Even though the drawing hasnt happened yet, even though the odds of winning are 175 million to one. Because i bought 175 million tickets. laughter and im guaranteed to win, because every single one of these babies has the exact same lucky numbers. laughter all right . So its in the bank. I am megarich no more slaving away for the man 30 minutes a day four days a week. laughter look, its been a great run, its been fun, but lets face it im not doing this show for my health just look at any picture of me from seven years ago. laughter now i can afford to build a time machine and go back and warn that guy not to do this show were dying laughter anyway, call your friends because the partay is going to be bumping in my new mansion weve got two pools one shaped like the squirrel from ice age 2 one shaped like the squirrel from ice age 3. laughter i got a Basketball Court in every room. Weekends i pay yao ming to go one on one against ming the merciless. Ming on ming and im never going to be lonely again because my house is filled with cousins ive never heard of who need money. Of course theyre family, i want them get back on their feet after their release. laughter and the drugs, oh, primo uruguayian electric pop rock. laughter of course, all those drugs make me paranoid that those friends who keep showing up dont really care about me, just about my squirrel pool. laughter so ill start gambling, playing the ponies. And not just upcoming races but also past races. Oh, god, i cant believe i lost 320 20million on the 1982 Belmont Stakes curse you, crystal sins laughter now the moneys drying up, people dont come around anymore. My wife and my kids dont recognize me because i paid cosmetic surgeons to make me look like an olson twin. laughter cheers and applause so my family walks out on me. But thats okay, i got that new girlfriend, cinnamon. And she loves me for me, money. laughter and she leaves me for ming the merciless how could you do me like, that ming . Bros before hos oh, my god, how has my life come to this . I wish id never won the lotto. laughter i didnt win. Oh. Oh, god, thank god. Okay, back to the salt mine. laughter from now on, no more stupid gambles, im going to keep my money safe in the stock market. laughter nation cheers and applause nation, there is a war on traditional marriage in this country did you know many of those brides and grooms on the top of wedding cakes arent legally married . Youre frosting in sin now the threat to traditional marriage is coming from inside the couple. The importance of marriage among women rose 9 percentage point from 1997 from 28 to 37 . But those women arent finding men to marry. Apparently because men are less interested, dropping from 35 to 29 . Stephen shocking women want to get married more than men do. laughter thats from the same researchers who found that women ten to scratch their balls less than men. laughter and applause true. Shocking. Are these chilling marriage statistics mean there are millions of women who may never walk down the aisle, and that brings us tonights word. cheers and applause sisters are doing it to themselves. Folks, when it comes to matters of the woman, i always turn to one source . I turn to fox news. Their web site recently addressed why so many women cant get married. According to fox contributors, its all part of the war on men. She writes ive accidentally stumbled upon a subculture of men whove told me theyre never getting married. When i ask them why the answer is always the same women arent women anymore. Right, women arent women anymore thats why, fellas, always look for the adams apple, okay . laughter thats a pro tip. Then look for the adams we us in. laughter because you know what they say, fool me once. laughter now, folks, this hard truth has been attacked in the mainstream media. It evidently ruffled a lot of lady feathers. At least i think they have feathers, im not sure. I a lot of them pluck these days. Of course, this thinskinned reaction wont surprise banker. In the article, she wrote that what if the derth of good men is womens fault . Since the sexual revolution, men havent changed much but women have changed dramatically. In a nutshell, women are angry, theyre also defensive. Women are angry and defensive. You need proof . Go up to any single woman and say the reason youre not married is because youre angry and defensive. laughter and not only applause not only are todays shrill haarpys scaring good quality men away from marriage, but also making these men deadbeats banker says the rise of women has pissed men off and underundermineded mens ability in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them yeah, men hate women who compete with them thats why its so rare for men to be attracted to women in the workplace. laughter i mean, what man wants a woman providing the money while he stays home to do what . Witness his child taking its first steps . I mean, people before and, frankly, babies arent that good at it. laughter men want paperwork we want a grinding commute to sit in the cube all day long taking crap from from from that jerkoff rick laughter luckily banker sees a way to liberate women and men from these liberated women. All the ladies have to do is surrender to their nature, their femininity, and let men surrender to theirs. If they do, marriageable men will come out of the woodwork. Yes, just surrender and those men will come out of the woodwork like cockroaches in a darkened crab shack. laughter but ladies, ladies, you can do more by doing less. Maybe stop voting or stop talking. I mean is, what are you girls thinking . I mean, follow miss bankers advice and you single gals will finally be able to live out every womans wildest dream marrying a man who doesnt want you to achieve anything. And as a man on behalf of women everywhere, thank you, susan banker. I trust you will lead the charge by getting out of the writing business clearly its not in your nature. And thats the word. Well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Nation, i have been saying far month now that once the president ial election is over i hope well finally see bipartisan compromise in washington. And i siner is vie mean that i said it. laughter sadly, the powermad democrats decided that just because people voted for them, theyre in power. And theyre already trampling our freedoms. Reporter democrats are proving yet again they will do anything to push through their liberal agenda. Now they have gone a step too far. Senate democrats with harry reid leading the charge want to drastically change the filibuster in order to limit the republicans ability to oppose certain legislation. Stephen yes, harry reid is trying to stop republicans from blocking certain legislation. For instance, any legislation. Hes chipping away at the sacred senatorial institution known as the filibuster which allows the Minority Party to prevent a bill from coming to a vote simply by speaking nonstop on the senate floor. For instance, by reading the phone book. Thats how, in 1974, the d. C. Metro area yellow pages were signed into law. laughter the courts have since repeatedly upheld that clays audio has the most far out selection of 8tracks in town. But in 1975, this rule was changed so that a senator didnt have to actually speak, merely state his intention of launching a filibuster. A technique made famous in the classic movie mr. Smith goes to washington and expresses his intention to late dore something. laughter now, harry reids doing this because he claims republicans are abusing the filibuster. I have faced 386 filibusters. Stephen 386 filibusters during harry reids six years as majority leader. And given how Little Congress works, some of that has to be Mitch Mcconnell stopping by harry reids family dinner to block passage of the mashed potato. laughter but i say so what . Thats just politics. And Mitch Mcconnell is warning it could get worse. If the majority chooses to end the filibuster, if they choose to change the rules and put an end to democratic debate then the fighting, the bitterness, and the gridlock will only get worse. In the name of efficiency they would prevent the very possibility of compromise and threaten to make the disputes of the past few years look like mere pillow fights. Stephen hes right. To me they already look like pillow fights. Im pretty sure Joe Liebermans jowls are memory foam. laughter so youve been warned, harry reid take away Mitch Mcconnells filibuster and he will strike back by obstructing everything you do or let him keep the filibuster so he can obstruct everything you do laughter i think the choice is clear. Well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is the original voice of both yoda and cookie monster. Ill ask him if four cookie cs. Please welcome frank oz. cheers and applause thank you, hey, nice to meet you frank oz. Can i call you frank oz. You can. Stephen frank oz can i just Say Something . Stephen yes. My favorite part of your show bar none is when you introduce the guest and you come here and take a bow. laughter i love that. Stephen well, ive got to give these people what they want. Its great. cheers and applause stephen well, thats great to hear. I mean it, i think its hysterical, and you deserve it. Stephen thank you, i put the most thought into it. Of course. Stephen well, Everybody Knows you, of course, as being the voice of miss piggy, the voice of grover, the voice of foz zi bear, the voice of animal and the voice of yoda. Yeah, its so weird, though. Stephen whats weird. That you say the voice of. So what who does the character . Stephen the person does. Fozzie the character. Stephen physically how is it . Stephen well, isnt there a real yoda . Oh, okay, so you do all that stuff. Its so weird. People are so used to animation that people just do the voices, but when the performers, the muppets do it, its the voices are only 10 , the rest is 90 of it. Stephen okay. Okay. 92 . Stephen do you ever get pissed off that people recognize the muppet more than they recognize you . laughter i mean, because are you ever tempted to make a muppet that looks exactly like frank oz so you can get a little bit of that muppet love yourself . laughter not that youre not slightly muppetish. Im thrilled. I can i can be be the star and then i can go buy my pork and beans or do my laundry. Stephen that sounds like a beautiful, beautiful day. Pork and beans and laundry. You live the high life, man you are living the dream mundane stuff like that, its wonderful. Stephen are there muppet grouppys . Like animal is a drummer. Does animal get any action . What do you mean action . Stephen what . What do you mean action . Stephen groupies, man, were all adults. Action, muppet sex. laughter so you said it. Stephen you made me say it. I didnt ask you. Stephen i insinuated and you exsin waited. I might have drawn you out, but it was there. Stephen do muppets have sex . laughter what . laughter stephen im wondering how you get new muppets, is all im asking. How do you get new muppets . Im a big boy. Stephen were all adults here. Well, i dont actually i havent performed there the muppets for many years and when i did i didnt make the characters. There was a tremendous amount of people who were very talented who were the workshop who made the characters. Stephen so thats where the action is. I cant tell you what actually happens there, whether theres action or not. Stephen its a family show. But it was done in the workshop. Stephen okay, good. You were famous for directing little shop of horrors. I am. Stephen its a cult classic from 1986. Around there. Stephen 25th anniversary of the movie is coming. Theres a new ending on the end. Yes. Well, its the original ending. Stephen not the ending i saw. I saw it in the theater, it had a happy ending. It had a happy ending, but the original ending which is about a Million Dollars worth of work by Richard Conway was excised about 25 years ago because the scores were so low that they would not retheres movie. Stephen when they do market testing . Showed it to the audience . And i didnt do the market testing. I was there at a san jose screening and they loved the show until we killed the two stars ellen and rick. So therefore howard ashman, who is brilliant and i knew we had to do it we had to have a happy ending. Stephen lets look at the original ending. Well show it right here. screaming laughing stephen that was a little table top it was a little taste of. Stephen that was table top thats all real. About a Million Dollars. That was about a years work. Stephen thats the end of the world yes, yes. Stephen and in the first version you had a happy ending. Do you prefer that or this . Howard and i both preferred that. Stephen why didnt you just stick to your guns . Because i know when im in an audience and i can feel them totally against me. Stephen right now, like right now. Like now. laughter its a very wellknown feeling i have. Then i dont need cards. And we did a second preview in los angeles and i ask david geffen if we could do it again, same thing happened. Stephen so why change it . I paid good money to see the happy ending in 1986. Why change this . You had a perfectly fine you dont change the ending to a classic, you know . You dont change rose bud into a snow cone machine. Stephen you prefer the happy ending . I enjoy whatever ending i paid for originally. Im a conservative and i dont like things to change. laughter okay. I just wanted to do it i would have asked you first, but i wanted to laughter i wanted i should have. I just wanted to give Richard Conway his dues. His team did all the work so thats why i wanted to do it. Stephen all right, okay. Are you going to change the ending of any other movies . Make those downers . No, i promise i wont. Stephen really. No. Stephen end of in and out maybe kevin klein is crushed to death . Something like that . laughs stephen bert and ernie, thats a straight situation, right . laughter totally straight . Because i hear things. Are you ever tempted to use your characters voices to get out of bad situations . Like what situations . Stephen jump into yoda when youre pulled over and say as yoda not speeding, was i, officer . laughter no. Stephen youre missing out on a great opportunity. laughs stephen whats it like living your life . I know theyre not voices, theyre characters, but what is it like being famous for a character who isnt you . Who gets to say and do things you dont get to do . laughter im asking for a friend. laughter is that fun . Did you enjoy that . laughs frank, thank you so much for joining me. Frank oz. Little shop of horrors well be right back. cheers and a cheers and applause stephen well, thats it for the report, everybody. Good night cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause jon welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart weve got one for