and i'd like -- you say well, are you happy that it's making a difference? of course i am. i still want my son back. >> absolutely. >> i still want my son back. but as david said in second samuel, who david lost a son. he said he will not come back to me but i will go to him. and that is the hope of heaven that we have. and that has strength then us even through the darkest day. david says when i go through the vail of the shadow of death, wherever there's a shadow there's a light. and so the key to walking through the vail of the shadow of death is to turn your back on the shadow which is scary and look at the light. and that's how you get through it. >> do you feel he's here now? >> well, i know that he's in heaven looking down on us. and we have many loved ones there. my parents, kay's mom and dad. and that presence of god is more important than the presence of matthew in my life. is that i sense the presence of god in my life very close. but i'm not going through this
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