At the same time. In the serious business human resources. In the. I'm told Mitchell some. Time or your one morning morning settle down these people are going to get on you make me sorry I'm late all up every rule of law be with haranguing me about the rise of the cover price if we can hurry it up but what about our readers into the lobby Anyhow numbers like that I'd like to get started minute sorry not that I'm responsible pricing is that mad sorry sorry for past. Sad news about our resident astrologer premonition proved passed away at the weekend we're not being replaced as it should not least because she was expecting love to come in a letter and a surprise to come in a box I suppose she was right about the 2nd bit now our sponsor a well in Somalia scheme is reason enormous sum of money Well unfortunately no wells have actually been dark as yet though I'm told the village elder has recently installed a rather nice infinity pools as I'm sure it's just coincidence that's not reportage how would we have to block Facebook from all work computer files parenting one of you was logged on for 68 hours straight not good it was good I want to deny you a key journalistic resource but from now on if you need a drink fuelled photo of some mad man who's just murdered his girlfriend you'll have to doorstep his parents right news a big pat on the back on my excellent video of Vince Cable pacing up and down the Clifton Suspension Bridge would be more of a scoop if you actually jumped but there you go with all. One other thing I'll be out of the office from this afternoon through Thursday if I and my father has been rushed to hospital with acute appendicitis and my mother's 25 year old boyfriend will get a flight back from Nicholas So once more it's down to me to do the looking after tomorrow's edition when we go. Right through things. Like both no. Because I'm thinking Masha I'm thinking Can't you tell mash that's why he's got his mouth open I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that our editor is lying to us so all of the lies about everything he's a journalist in it I don't know what he's lying about his father Why did you suspicious Matt because Freddy 2 years ago all of us suddenly had to take a week off and why because he's a father was having his appendix removed that's the n.h.s. For you missed it the 1st time Masha I need a graphic showing the percentage increase in City bonuses since David Cameron promised to reign in top salaries Ok by you seem to be I don't matter is there a problem is it becoming too much for you is it we need to do we say there's no shame in taking early retirement you know I'm thinking I'm thinking why why why because finding time to think is part of being a good journalist you were old Already all of us out of something the question is what he is looked up to nothing his then clip is email him running news paper arguing with wife tending the sick father learning Russian learning Russian Yes he's been taking classes me as a practice with him a few key phrases Masha why I don't know mostly the simple stuff like hello how are you good morning how we get on good evening good night 10 minutes from now if it's not too much trouble and also he'll learn Russian for women be discreet what I teach him to say when must be discreet Oh wow he's having an affair with me all of this got him so for Russian Boris he may be just as enquiring mind wishes to travel once to immerse himself in foreign parts only in a certain very specific sense Masha What else did you teach him mash as he learned to say Come over here and give me some of our Polish or you is like a Russians. No and I is going to get inside to you again and again who is being discreet could refer to anything on what else did you teach him much or nothing only what I have told you all and also it is honor to welcome a great man such as you what Sorry forgot to mention and of Adonis hypothesis I think Friday all of us taking time off he's learning to flat earth some important Russian must be fly to Moscow must have scored lot a high level interview Putin or midfield much the of Yes but why lie about it because he is not flying to most school you call yourselves a journalist liftin he'll learn phrase it is honor to welcome great man such as you your bright well spotted mashup think you you know the good student text is not always they must you pick you know whoever it is is coming here Ready Freddy check the future events calendar I'm on it Ok let's see. George Osborne's visit in Eritrea to explore new approaches to Chi and welfare. Tomorrow Nick Clegg's being given 25 minutes with the deputy vice president of Malta to discuss the big society if you know someone Russian there somewhere though Peter Tatchell comment or gain plan in a citizens arrest of. Have. The Russian only got. The not yet is currently on could off the Ilo why such could be it checked the date he jumps there today to 1st date which is exactly the period all of us out of the office supposedly looking after is dangerously ill father back must be it editor is planning to hang out on a big yacht with a Russian oligarch Why would you want to do that Freddy what kind of questions that you get invited onto a 1000000000 is your you go with me the only one way to find out for sure I think Rockefeller is only tell you lies that graphic still not receive a Ok I do all the more crazy I'm getting you into a big serious story and all I know Carol please please no give that stuff to magic so I ain't across politics straight up I for Ed Miliband was one half a gent would this isn't about politics is about is about our hearts and oh you put in a story about Isabella Yes Oh wow thanks Carol I see every one of the movies I've been passed the house in Beverly Hills I don't want hero worship Freddy I want a story oh yeah sure sure she's in the house or she's in a kidney to say the loss of the mother of 5 in Bangladesh the operations itself and they're all great you'd see that the Isabella Hudson I knows enough she is one into the lie that is to Mailer it could be a publicity stunt no way she is one solid sister are not so sure she strikes me as one of those celebs if they can end world hunger but how can an African child on camera no no no no no not my is a bailout no way well see what you can turn up I want the real Isabella ready Ok I get me some nitty gritty he she should get his she used to shag she might say as she had been spit roasted If not why no I don't think Isabella is that kind of go kill read books and stuff Carole you are getting soft if you ask me you are spending too much time with Magix. Oh all of it or should I say 0 2. Should you say was. The hours were with you and you having a stroke No I call you can tell ye More Yeah Ok So finally how do you manage oh you the few weeks in the Priory possibly yes or perhaps a few weeks aboard a big yacht sorry in the company of owner is an obvious who is I believe sometimes known as your Father with the appendicitis are close the door where you are matters that night. And. Why are you cozying up to a Russian billionaire all over I knock it was eating up I'm joining him for supper and a couple of days relaxation on his yacht far from prying eyes why if I choose to dine on a billionaire's yacht I can expect to ask questions about it doesn't I don't ask you which brands of pizza you've been seen in where an Englishman dying's and with whom is his own business not when it's with an odious ex k.g.b. Hit man who is now a leader of the Russian mafia or as it's commonly called free enterprise it's what newspaper editors have to do Maddox mix with people from all walks of life I rub shoulders with odious people all the time and the last week I had to do with a reserve may now tell me the truth all of our i'll only find out. Well. This is in the strictest confidence matter. It is possible it is likely in fact it is almost certain that. That in the next few days on drizzled of the air of will become the owner of this newspaper. And that is your right. This is. Well it's the worst thing you could have told me no I could have told you that Diane Abbott is coming to live with you all over this is serious it's appalling I agree Maddux but sometimes you have to embrace the appalling when it's the only option and it is in 3 months from now this paper will be dead we are losing millions there's no money live for us you know via is a crook he has completely ruthless he kills people that is no way to talk about your future employer and anyway he assures me he's given up the killing you should be making a stand against this Oliver and may I suggest an easy way of doing so you run the 2000 word piece I recently wrote about an obvious and which you spiked if I recall correctly it was rather grim and extremely dull get it through going to find all of them come down from your the mountain Maddox what would you prefer a rich morally dubious man owning this newspaper or no newspaper because that's the choice Maddux and then no newspaper are you serious if they're not your takes control will be endorsing everything he stands for corruption murder fraud tax evasion money laundering drug dealing he's a bit of a black sheep black sheep black sheep he's a dog matters throughout history newspapers have had on pleasant proprietors Beaverbrook Maxwell Northcliffe we've had Nazi sympathizers communist sympathizers pornographers and the Barclay brothers on drugs in of the air will be just another one to add to the list what about a co-operative sorry ownership by the staff the John Lewis model we could all chip in what's wrong with a bit of good old fashioned Brotherhood Brotherhood Yes. Oh and sisterhood. Maddux if you can sell to your brothers and sisters in journalism the attractiveness of investing in an aging bowed legged Cottle's in the hope that it will come 1st in the telling them Gold Cup and I can only wish you luck No I'm afraid only Ms does an obvious his brave or stupid enough to back this particular nag he'll fire you know he won't want an editor like you do you'll annoy him I have a personal assurance I'll be kept on and you're sure this drug dealing murder always keeps his will that I'm not naive you know malice it's in Zenobia own interest to keep his word he needs me to provide continuity and familiarity you know what is in a 3rd little nation this is Maddox I will be his beacon of Britishness I'm not going to keep my mouth shut Oliver but very heroic Maddux But if you speak out you will wreck the delicate negotiations currently taking place between the board and Mr is an obvious Moyer's out what I want to do is fine then this newspaper will cease to exist and along with it the jobs of every person in this building as I'm going to make you feel Maddox so I suggest you take your conscience out to dinner and have a good long talk with it I mean while I'm off to the Isle of Wight to be wined dined and corrupted on board the yacht of an international criminal. I shall not be diverted by champagne and caviar in the life I am going into the lion's den to make sure that I save as many jobs as I can do my best to protect the values that have made this paper great now that Maddox is true courage as distinct from your vainglorious gestures oh so standing up for a free and independent press is a vainglorious gesture is it. Yes. Pretty healthy Isabella had some peace looking working on it working on it I got fooled background info on the hospital where she had the op looked so hot trivia her hospital gown was pink sleepovers blue 1st thing she said when she came around was is the recipient Ok Don't worry about me she said worry about her great less color science is about to see if it catches on yet sweep out like a journalist of you yet since you've done that tell me I need someone to interview that 11 year old whose 1st novel is a publishing sensation we've acquired the serial rights this sexy series through and they're very very as you go what yes very far worse than I feared not draw closer why. Just recently this is very very secret or that that's too close medics are kids now your last bacon roll my hand up bread Shut Up and Listen this paper is about to be sold to on Drazen of yes that's why all of us heading off to meet him here so what you worried about losing your job. I suppose at your age that would be it would need nothing new for you but a life of pajamas gardening and what you know lessons for an afternoon say no we have got to be stopped Freddie we have to resist at all costs well you is going to be resisting from the bottom of the ocean and in the last couple of years the navi if as a free journalist might because they were planning to reveal as well dodgy business is the fact was old in Russia you don't think he can get you here you wait you'll be munching on your bacon sandwich one day go green and keel over I'm not afraid of him. You have to stand up to bullies what you could not do warn him off your patch tell him you hit him with a rolled up newspaper if he messes with you frightened to breathe on him well that might work actually why do people just sit back and accept it can terrible things happen cause him back is more relaxing What a world. Oil men destroy the ocean and then walk off with fat pensions a multi-millionaire Chancellor tells us we're all in it together banks keep the cash when the going is good and take ours when they go bust and now a Russian oligarch wants to help himself to a bit of British respectability is that what we is respectability you could have fooled me take my word for it if he buys his paper you'll be dining in Downing Street by the end of the month and Fergie will be selling tickets to me direct husband now do I look ill here but you always look ill you see yourself for this pile or that in the source Crikey bit starting to hang down under the chin scrap heap big it's yeah you can get plastic surgery you know everyone's doing it look when you see Carole tell her I was taken ill and had to go home why I'm off on a mission log God help us all just going on with some work instead of staring at semi pornographic photographs who is in a way that is Isabella Hudson who who who she is only in the favor actress after Paris Hilton she played tinder in pleasing island that futuristic soap opera yet we're all defeat survivors of climate change are forced to wear bikinis and play beach ball in slo mo you know what I'm saying Ascot plastic magic few interesting no thank you now if you would kindly lay aside the porno for a moment this this ain't no poor no this is a long lens photo of Isabella Hudson on a private beach in Key need at the pier Pat 20 grand for a waste of money how back's turned you can hardly even tell her oh yes you can take a look at that bump that bum is world famous give me that see even you get so excited when was this taken today so after the kidney operation Yeah I notice anything odd about it No only that she is hot pretty you know where the kidneys are yet they're sort of a little chilly Freddie there. Right there on the lower back if a surgeon had recently operated to remove a kid neat don't you think it would have left a scar maybe it was keyhole surgery I think your kidneys probably too large to be taken out through a keyhole don't you here. You may be where is the scar friendly I don't know maybe when in front of front I would have done before you go to press don't you think you maybe ought to check this out oh my God What if you'll rat let me see the I gave your problem I'm off remember I was taken ill. Oh ever have another glass of the children and some luck out here they go I'm not certain I can manage any more for sure you can just grand gold Beluga this is not just yet a shit from Iran will set you up with a girl that got on standby and limbering up for you right now girls bring up my goodness so you eat up all of them on every I don't come any better than great Beluga 5000 euros a kill us just one more spoonful trade I should go home with rather a bad conscience. What a big Yeah this war forget about the stupid little people out there stupid little concerns what is very good is just stuck sometimes wonder and worry you know that but with the surgeon being threatened species is not a problem this we have solved Oh I wasn't aware of sure my company is one of my companies is buying up all the remaining stocks of caviar and freezing it then when storage and is extinct will sell at the biggest markup in the history of the goddamn world by 2015 the stuff you're reading now will be $10000000.00 a kilo though you know. I suppose some people might find that this is the future business model and doing the same with June extinction. Species is a market opportunity yes after I buy your paper you don't write about it Ok I don't want nobody else getting the same I do ah yes well that Don's brings to the issue of editorial independence on the staff who cares my guys will fix it oh right fine . With me yes. And it must have a free hand you know and I would insist upon natural non-problem more carry are gone oh I want to look sweet nestling on that golden spoon you gotta use a gold school for caviar silver rules the taste the gin all that yes George Osborne told me. About editorial independence you shut up about this now all of Ok you want to be my editor or you don't yes yes I do Ok so it's all solved tomorrow the papers will be signed in Monaco your board gets the funds my guys transferred from Switzerland and you stay on the bridge making sure nobody jumps overboard except the ones we push Yeah. Yes but I don't you get an extra 50 k. On your salary and we set up a bonus scheme for you. Oh well that's so extreme in the form since related of course. Yeah and when I ain't using the yeah you come and stay on it my invitations Oh lovely I'll make sure there are a few girls around for you how to go that pay top dollar for them when I'm I'm not sure about the girl you want Boreas that's Ok no problem I get you book new new new new boys they only like them but no need to feel guilty run a big yacht Oh very private. Only the girls now. Look at each other. Missed this in the obvious what is it where the girls get the girls Ollie is panting for what I wouldn't put it exactly this problem Mr. We found a weirdo snooping around in your private cabin he made a run for it and jumped over the side we fished him out got to right hand. On us to kill him well oh oh. Oh. Well you know that God send them in you get in that. Doesn't want to hold Maddox think Galt's name will this guy I demand a time he sees one of my journalists and he's dripping on my carpet and you must be the famous business in all the I'm terribly sorry if you think that doing magic sounds you get here boarding gate road out but this is an obvious expense and I do apologize he was a good journalist in his time he's a friend of yours you know we need to earn it employee can I help you sir you seem to have taken a lot of trouble to get here well who wouldn't go to a lot of trouble to be such a fine and upstanding an honorable member of the business community would miss is not the time it all seems very agreeable it was that kind of a oh how lovely you got to hear the words Please help yourself matter you have many people like this working for you all over no he's a one off leave the carry out alone asshole you know we keep him on for sentimental reasons he's like a mascot and now we really must go Ok but next time don't bring asshole and no need to be shy Ollie you let me know what kind of boys you like and what this is something you have been telling the elephant shut up Max Come on I'm so sorry Andre it's been a privilege and an absolute pleasure to be your guest but we really must be getting along Oh mustn't we manage how do you how do my how good. You keep to your side managed to wit private Could you kindly turn the heating up thank you so much you're a fool man it's I don't want anything more to do you quite sure about that yes Ok Ok fine then you don't want to see the document I removed from the Navios private cabinet No I don't George absolutely right. What document this one sorry and it's a bit soggy but he's a you'll find itself explanatory if there are any long words to give you trouble don't hesitate to ask it's a. Contract. For the purpose of editor Yes. Yes it is and perceptive you know all of it is a contract but not with you because you see he's going to fire you he's good. People is to keep me on and so he will for 24 hours after the purchase has gone through you're just there to briefly oil the wheels of transition cost. And even employees I think that is an uncannily accurate prediction all of a better that's a piece of yours I want spiked but one that also many the big non-citizen of Andre's and obvious his life and crimes yes could I name maybe take another look at his I. Haven't frenzy Well you didn't hear this time in the morning guys been there all night Carol Well I live to be current to poor boy he has been burning midnight oil of the both ends yes so there's a problem with Isabella Hudson story what problem she's a fraud Well it 1st she tells the media she's going to donate a kidney then she gets scared she bought was out decides she needs 2 kidneys off the role I don't write well then a p.r. People panic right think it will be but for image so she lives pretends yokes really taken place when it isin about the woman who needed to kick she got a kidney All right Hudsons people bought one for on the open market but the parts for sale all life was a big supermarket find Freddie Same story different angle better angle forgets I heard Bring on cold calculating fame hungry lawyer I used to love that woman morning everybody warning my goodness will seem to be up with a lot today down where were you yesterday oh I went on a little excursion all the way to the Isle of Wight and do you know who I happened to run into that our editor hanging out on a very large yacht only. Here is why I'm sure he'd like to tell you in person about his little jaunt wouldn't you all of us. Well I was going to wait till morning conference to make the announcement but if you insist or I do whatever I do write. Well Mannix is under the impression this newspaper was about to be sold to an unsavory Russian tanks Well I'm happy to tell you there is absolutely no truth in it it's something all of us would know of countenance. Yeah absolutely it's an obvious did make an approach but in the end I decided he was totally unsuitable nonvoter wise decision all of a yes indeed I simply up and gave him a little hint of what Maddox will be saying about him in tomorrow's paper I believe Mr Nobody ever is now heading to Paris has he become by the moment instead Happy Days happy day unfortunately the paper is still completely and utterly broke so the board has decided that as of next month the print edition will cease to exist and this newspaper will only be available online what we may all be sad Maddux but a trillion trees will be very very happy to go to news paper with our paper we keep the stamp of the sun because in the great tradition that went into weeping over milk that is spilt I fear some jobs will have to go on what is meant no not yours of course not mine I'm not going to let this happen I'm going to fight this we're all going to fight this every man and woman in this building is going to stand shoulder to shoulder and fight this who is with me if you're ready to fight make yourself known step forward now step forward now now. All of them yes. Electrocuting Maddox was played by John Sessions and all of us by Alex Jennings. Stephen White. Graeme mash. And the steward. Of. Electric ink was written by Alice debate and Tom Mitchell's and the director was Sally Eva and. Next week a new dentist will arrive at a very dysfunctional practice. In the cavity within the same time here on Radio 4 extra. Classic. B.b.c. Radio 4 extra. I'm a work in the great news collecting center of the Big Brother corporation as you knew it the b.b.c. . In every room is a t.v. Screen that gives out a stream of. Facts to. The price of tea. To 85. Housewife the following gods are now in the. Plastic and sawdust. Secondhand. Explodable want to. Self igniting. In the. 283947654769503616 stroke. Classic comedy on b.b.c. Radio 4 extra weekdays at midday and at 7 pm. The digital station comedy drama. B.b.c. Radio 4 extra. In a new series now Andy Hamilton shares personal stories about how politics has affected his life particularly as a comedy writer including Which politician he calls the. Thank. You. On top of the Old Smokey when nobody girl it's their lives Christine key where out any close. Up comes profuse. Clickety click pulls down is trousers and whips out is that was the 1st piece of satire. I ever performed but it was sort of made by Colleen Harper I think and we sang in the infants playground and when we were about 8 years old but we didn't understand what the some meant but we guessed it was rude because Miss McCarthy scored us from the playground I know. But I certainly didn't understand the intricacies of the profession about crisis the only thing I did was that there were lots of new photographs of trysting in the newspapers and that for some reason she didn't seem to know the right way round to sit on a chair. But that we'd see little ditty was the 1st sign that I realised that there were these creatures called politicians who people like to laugh at and about. I've just ended a sentence with 2 propositions on the radio for. I just that's professional suicide. The online petition starting up even as I speak on the Twitter storm. Ashfaq Andy Gran a rapist I. Placed Oh yeah. Politicians I'm remission about them because this week my sort of memories concern politics starting with perfume out in 1963 now for a younger list this. Sorry. I just just a funny idea. For anyone who doesn't know or doesn't remember John Profumo was Secretary of State for War and he resigned after he admitted lying to Parliament because in 1963 politicians who were caught lying were expected to resign. But things were so quiet that they were. Anyway because Profumo was Dean too of morally disgraced himself he decided to completely withdraw from public life now he goes straight into on a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here with me there yeah and they need to do one of those long t.v. Interviews with Piers Morgan you know all about how he acts struggle with his demons you know everyone's got demons Now have you noticed course there was a time when if someone talked about having demons. They'd been burned at the state. I mean obviously I'm not advocating that in all cases. Maybe just Alastair Campbell. They seem to have a long way doesn't it from say Joan Profumo to Neil and Christine Hamilton. The Danes incidentally listeners I do apologize for mentioning Neil and Christine Hamilton if you just. Now are trying to give you a proper warning if I'm going to mention them again or indeed any other human emetics. Profumo. To it the rest of his life to charity work and the contrast between the dignity of Profumo. And say warning Neil Hamilton I. Marks one of the big changes in the years that I've been writing about politicians you know the downgrading O'Shane So the point where public disgrace can cut what basically is a great career move. Now before I proceed I have a confession to make at this point because politicians may have ruined a lot of your lives but they've been quite good to me. There are done reasonably well out of them you know if you add it all up over the years since $976.00 I've received significant amounts of money for jokes about Brown Blair major Callahan Cameron faction that I mean are of thousands of jokes about the Iron Lady. Or as we call or in our house the up stairs bathroom. Have it done in blue as a thank you note. Now I'm sure some of you are thinking there's someone who just writes jokes and mocks from the sidelines I can have played any significant role in the politics of this country will you be Rob because it just so happens that I occupy a totally unique place in British political history that I will tell you about at the end of the show. That that's called a cliffhanger. So when did my interest in politics really start to take root Well in my teens most of my mates were left wing and I was too how left wing was or well I wasn't leftwing enough to attend demos in Grosvenor Square but I was left wing enough to argue with my dad. That that was my contribution to the revolution and my dad was a working class Tory and a fan of one of the more. Controversial figures of the age a not Powell now for those of you too young to remember a not Powell he was basically Nigel for only with a Lattin I. Guess Powell prided himself on being a class a cyst so whenever he wanted to be racist he quoted virtue didn't not not Thunderbird. Now my dad rated very clever man and as we tell Me and one day we had a blazing round about power and politics and I said that as soon as I was old enough to vote I'd be voting Labor and the round got even more heated and then my dad said your lot won't be happy till someone like me is hanging from a lamp post and I say to you all right we have a lamp post outside the house. That one is there that's your lamp post it's got your name on it of put you in. Here and my dad looked a bit taken aback. Understandably so because that was a terrible thing for me to say to anyone and it was only much later in my life that I realised some ashamed that Dad had actually witnessed people being strung up during his 5 years as a prisoner of war so it was not my finest hour but I was 14 I was young and stupid and when you 14 you just say stuff you haven't yet learnt how to shutter but my engagement with politics went a little bit beyond threatening family members with execution. Partly it expressed itself through an interest in satirical comedy and in 1976 I found myself at the suggestion of a marvelous young producer called Geoffrey Perkins submitting sketches to radio falls weekending and I've now spent 40 years trying to far. And the comedy in how terrible things have become and in that time I've been repeatedly asked whether satire can make a difference and the answer is yes yes it can it can make things worse. Right in 1979 Alice the beaten and I decided to write a funny book about our newly elected prime minister Margaret Thatcher we thought we'd better do it quickly because she clearly wasn't going to last long. That's how shrewd we were as political observers So anyway the book was called the factual papers and it purported to be a leak from deep inside the Death Star of the government and we wrote a supposed campaign poster which showed a picture of an emaciated looking Asian child a bit like you see on the old Oxfam posters you know and the caption we wrote said this is assay he lives in Bangladesh in total poverty he gets hardly any food to eat tough luck Kasey Now Mr and I saw this as a dark savage satirical indictment of the government's racism. Unfortunately what the National Front saw was something that make a great poster. Yeah because one of the features of neo nazis is they're quite literal people you know Hitler was notoriously weak on irony. So that is how I inadvertently became the coach author of a white supremacists. That's not something you find on my c.v. . And don't add it's in a with a pediatrician I hate with a pedia do you know that for 6 months and with a pedia I had no legs. Was. Absolutely true and may of my oldest son thought it would be hilarious. To say that you know he's young you see more panel shows he's got no legs and I was didn't know I didn't know because I don't check now with a pedia page I was a bit perplexed when theatres kept ringing me up and asking me if I needed a ramp was. There any way. So yes sometimes when you're writing political comedy the best intentions can go a Roy one of the lowest points of my professional life was what will make in the t.v. Sitcom Drop the Dead Donkey and I was reading an interview in the paper with the Tory minister of Virginia Bottomley again for younger listeners. The junior Bottomley was sort of like to reserve my only without the girlish sponsored a it was. In this interview Virginia Bottomley said to my horror that Drop the Dead Donkey was her favorite show on and she said this even though in fact episode we had had the character of Dave. It's that the 9 the genial Bottomley was an anagram of I'm an evil Tory bigots I. Know there's a bloke down there checking it it's. Only on report the pencil why isn't it on a sleaze Now of course Regina may have been lying she may have wanted to look like a good sport because politicians like to give the impression that they've got a good sense of humor swipe three's I'm a mate Boris foreign secretary. Whether it was true or not beam big dark by Virginia made me feel like I needed to go in shallow for several months. Ok so here's the controversial bit where I stick up for politicians now there is a massive general contempt for politicians right now which seems to date from the M.P.'s expenses scandal when M.P.'s were revealed to be making cynical expenses claims this revelation was made by journalists right many of whom expense claims could probably win the book a price. That's so tightly on its face fiddling All righ zat generating expenses is a British tradition as old as morris dancing you know but the tsunami of outrage swept all before it and it reinvigorated one of our great national catchphrases they're all the same. With respect to the good people of Britain that's partly ludicrous to say that a warning from Neil Hamilton. Is the same as a Charles Kennedy for example I mean yes our political system does create problems of groupthink but that's true in all professions but you never hear someone say that toilets blown up but I'm not calling out a plumber because they're all are saying. Now I've had various close up encounters with politicians and those of help me understand that they are just human beings with the possible exception of warning. John Redwood. Now most of these personal encounters with politicians are come through work but a case in early it's been pure chance when we had our 1st baby Pip He was a lovely baby but he went through a phase where he wouldn't sleep and I'm sure many of you have experienced that madness It's terrible isn't it you send We went on holiday to Wales and we were sitting on the veranda of a lovely country pub and fell asleep in the push chair and it was blissful you know it was joyful We just could feel the relaxation suffusing through our bodies and we we sat there just just drinking in the afternoon sun and a big car pulls up. And out of the car gets our expression Minister Jim Callaghan and his wife or 3 and they walk up the steps of the veranda and they walk past us now for some reason Jim Callaghan reverses bends down over the push chair and booms What a lovely. I woke up and scream the place down. That was nearly the most puzzling assassination. In British political history. Historians would have argued about that one for decades later said well obviously he was assassinated by the Ira But why did they beat him to death with the babies rattle. It makes me angry just thinking about it. Where was i oh yeah none of you will probably want to hear this but but I've witnessed close up some examples of politicians behaving rather impressively you may remember that in the months after Neil Kinnock shock defeat to John Major cannot understandably disappear from public view a bit and they were dark whisperings in the press about him being a broken man it cetera but then he agreed to come and make an appearance in an episode of Drop the Dead Donkey now and show day the rehearsal for that particular episode was especially chaotic but let me just sat through it being very gracious and very patient he was even gracious in the bar after the recording when he listened very patiently as my dad explained to him all the reasons why he lost the election. But there was one moment that sticks in my mind from the dress rehearsal because that episode was supposed to end with the character of Damian played by Stephen Tompkinson punching a female journalist and then Neil Kinnock was surprised to dive in and grapple with him. But in the rehearsal Neil grab Stephen before he could throw the punch so we asked Neil not to be so quick off the mark and he said no I'm sorry but I could never knowingly stand by and watch a man punch a woman with one obvious exception. I was. In the last 40 years changes in society have changed our politics for instance there was a time not that long ago when the t.v. News and he came on at lunchtime and then at 6 and then 9 or 10 o'clock depending on the channel Personally I used to watch i.t.v. News at 10 if only for the nail biting excitement of seeing whether Reggie Bose and Kay would make it to the end of a 2nd to. See that's another thing on most news readers are. Now not only our news readers disappointingly so but they also constantly on their own 24 hours every day scaring the crap out of us and while they're scaring the crap out of us and even scary a bit of news is scrolling along the screen mini. 24 hour news created 24 hour politics where modern politicians compulsively seek to achieve something called controlling the narrative and we we are the victims of this compulsion because it is cheapened and demeaned public discourse and I blame Tony Blair. That's my default setting for. The nice things now if in doubt blame Tony Blair for the last extension as he's known in my house. Now I have a confession in my ear our vote seat for Tony Blair in that 1st election against John Major I thought that Sonny Blair represented the future like a lot of people there. And I I remember watching him give his victory address to his supporters the 1st words he spoke as prime minister in fact you probably remember him on the stairs and he said. A new dawn has broken has it not and I thought. But all. This time that religious internation you know and are a member think it's a Myself I hope yes and made a mistake. Ah Biazon gone and accidentally confused himself with Jesus. And he and. Sin easy mistake to make especially if you're delusional egomaniac. It's funny you read lots of analysis pieces about what went wrong for Blair but the truth was staring us in the face right in the very 1st sentence he uttered as prime minister but to be fair there's no doubt he changed our politics because he was the master of mass intimacy the 1st pm to really understand that feelings have become the dominant currency of public conversation now I'm not claiming that back in the 1960 s. And seventy's the electorate was somehow more intellectual you know said he was mocked because of his Yo-Yo shoulders and all because he was a bachelor in invisible inverted columns and and Danny Seeley was to steal which repair vibe Brownson Wilson was an untrustworthy man an American Michael for was a scruff in a donkey jacket although it was actually a donkey jacket but our attention spans are not yet become so sure that an entire election could be reduced to tiny sound bites and a bacon sandwich. Now when I started writing in 76 the public mood was very much set by the popular press if anything that's worse now in fact it's got to the stage where maybe we should just let Murdoch I'm Paul Dacre draft our laws and cut out the middleman and. My favorite satirical joke of the last 40 years remains how do you confuse the Daily Mail reader Salem but the natural diet of asylum seekers is paedophiles. Yeah I didn't write that I wish I wish I had. Other jokes are we should written Nick revel wrote. He said the Major that had a tragic childhood because as a child he was someone else's imaginary friend. I. Was. Certain the fear of the gaffe the twist still in the online petition or the disastrous father or whatever has made modern politics much more risk averse and boring than when I started writing they used to be a gallery of chaotic flamboyant eccentric figures like Quintin hawk the perpetually tired and emotional George Brown Norman singe and Steve Michael visits are huge Jenkins and city which would pay Barber Castle the Reverend Ian Paisley and warning . Danger surely Porter. Again for younger listeners Thanks Shirley Porter was what she was horrible. Nowadays Sadly the nearest thing that out politics has to a personality A's Boris Johnson's Mr pastry tribute act. You see he's the only personality. That's if you ignore Nigel for a large which is what you should dig because it annoys him. Yeah there is a Michael god but he's less of a personality and more of a species. Somehow I seem to arrive at the present day and some of you may be expecting me to talk about Bret's it but it is my policy not to do jokes about bricks it because I don't want to jeopardize the negotiations. And my memories of the Brits referendum of why most of them but there was one. Incident that was reported to me I did find it a bit disturbing we were working on a hiding topical last minute comedy at the time called Power monkeys a lot of it was poking fun at how impossible it would be for Donald Trump to get elected. Sorry I just spiraled into depression for him. Anyway a few days after the Brits it referring to one of our cameraman told us the story about how he got into his local and got chatting with a regular who told him that he'd vote it leaf and he said Oh that's interesting why is that and this chap said well you just have to look at the E.U.'s record or what you know now they privatized all our railways. Now they shut down so many any and closed down all the law and breeze Now don't get me wrong I am a firm believer in democracy you know they are seriously and I and I think we should do everything we can to encourage people to engage with the democratic process and express their vote in the ballot box but I also think it's Ok to say to some people you know what you don't have to vote. Because you haven't really been paying attention now. Did you know that political strategists now apparently talk about the need to go after what they call low information voters Yeah that low information voters that's they euphemism for lazy and thick. Of course if the percentage of low information voters gets too high then it won't really be worth our elections into that they are a do you know the views I'm expressing will open me up to the charge of elite is a bit of a from being called elitist doesn't bother me when someone calls me elitist I just quote wrestling that the. Usually shuts them out. I do in French. Well I think I better stop there because on start to sound like about a few drinks. I got that feeling I forgot something to get that I got that something I said was get the cliffhanger yeah oh yeah right this is why I am a unique supposedly totally unique figure in British political history it's the 1980 s. And I've been invited to the House of Commons by the Labor m.p. Tom Pendry He's written a sit com He wants my professional opinion so I'm in the lobby of the House of Commons and Tom arrives and he greets be with the traditional House of Commons greeting of let's go for a drink so. We set off we're winding through the corridors and cloisters of the Palace of Westminster and we walking down this cloister having a chat it's only 2 people wide very narrow and coming towards us we see 2 figures one of very tall civil servant carrying a big pile of folders and next to him directly in front of me is the unmistakable figure of our then Prime Minister Mrs Margaret Thatcher and she's walking towards me and she's carrying a handbag in that unmistakable wage remember she used to I've never seen a woman carry a handbag like that before or since you know she's to carry it with that very straight ramrod straight arm do remember like like like there was a brick in it. Which there might have been so so anyway they're walking towards us and we got a bit of an impasse because this closer is only 2 people white so me and Tom step to our left to let them pass but they've nearest they've stepped to their right you know so so we do that slightly nervous laugh and then we and then we compensate and we step through our right but again they say they stick to their lives they mirror us again so we still got this this logjam so eventually we'll work it out and we'll turn side on like that and we just squeeze past each other and as Mrs Thatcher squeezes past me I distinctly hear her say sori. That makes me I. Think. The only person the only person in Britain that Mrs Thatcher said sorry to say that never they can never take that away from me. Well thank you for listening to my sort of memories about politics any resemblance to characters living or dead is entirely deliberate tell that divide. Some from. The film. Producer Kevin this is the B.B.C.'s t.v. . More reminiscences from Andy at the same time next week and tomorrow the poet will take a comic unpoetic look at all phones in Lem's his Ses origin stories oh I must drop host of news groups and also very much a human being in my own right I'm here to tell you about the upcoming documentary about 40 years of The News Quiz which is entitled 40 years of The News Quiz I came up with the title myself and at the producers know in no uncertain terms that if they tried to change it I would walk Needless to say they stood down and here we are the program is a wonderful insight into the last 4 decades of a British comedy institution bringing you the funniest most delightful fascinating and controversial clips from panelists past and present as well as the finest selections of cuttings the world.