NOW Magazine
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Plus: Etiquette for rejecting a homophobe's wedding invitation
By Dan Savage
Preference or phobia?
I have a quick question about bisexuality. What if one has a preference for dating straight individuals? As a straight woman, I am only interested in dating straight men. Is that some kind of phobia? Or is it okay for that to be a preference? I’ve always wanted to ask someone this but I’m afraid of being thought of as having a phobia.
Nervously Asking Dan Something
I think you’re fine, NADS, so long as you’ve taken a moment to think about why you’re burdened with this “preference.” Our sexual attractions, orientations and preferences are easily distorted and limited by prejudice. If you reflect on what might be at the root of your “preference” for men who are straight (or for men who’ll tell you they are), NADS, you might be able to open yourself up to more partners. But a person can reflect day and night for decades and still feel the same way. At the very least, though, we can all be thoughtful about our erotic and/or sexual biases, take responsibility for them, be considerate about how we express them, and – perhaps most importantly – do our best not to transit them. I’m not into shame, but not finding a particular group of people attractive for whatever reason is something we can keep to ourselves – not just to avoid doing harm to people we aren’t attracted to, but to avoid passing our erotic biases and limitations on to the next generation.