Hello, dear sochi residents and guests of this wonderful city, of course, a lot has changed over the past year, something has come , something has gone, well, some fast food restaurants left the fastest, which fortunately led to a decline in gastritis and obesity ulcers in the country . But the number of vacationers in sochi does not change; this year there are so many of them again that you can not swim behind the buoys, but climb over the bodies of swimmers. And this is understandable, many people gather in sochi all year, putting aside finances to come here and have a good time, so to speak. Relax. And comedians put off jokes, gags and pranks for a whole year in order to come here and do a good job, so to speak. So, friends, today. An unforgettable spectacle awaits you all, well, everyone is ready, the twentieth anniversary festival of humor continues, and now i would like to tell a joke, but i wont, is it really so indecent, no, its quite decent, its just stupid to tell jokes when such a master is nearby. Popularly beloved igor momenko, thank you, concert, so, the following joke, a moderately elderly man comes to the golf club, says i play golf well, but due to the fact that my vision is no longer a fountain, i often dont see where the ball is flying, you can help, they say, no problem, we have a grandfather, 95 years old, but he sees thats it, the sharpeyed falcon, it costs 10,000 per hour, its inexpensive, we can help, he says, okay, he brings his grandfather in all sorts of socks with buboes, he says, dad . You can help, youll see where the ball flew, he says, of course, son, hit it, its a swing, the ball flew away, he saw where the ball flew, yes, where, i forgot, they brought pills to the collective farm for the concept of potency in bulls, nothing is the beginning. Yes, well, the next day the collective farmers came to see what kind of miracle this was, before bulls were corrected without pills, so they examine the drug, and one woman asks brightly why they are so green, well, the bull is a herbivore, so that it could, as it were, confused with grass and consumed without fear, why are they so big, well, huge, so the dosage is correspondingly large, the chairman is sitting in the corner, you cant imagine how bitter they are. Imagine himself a huge ship, plowing the expanses of the worlds oceans, and various artists entertain guests, people are sitting, watching a magician, he shows various very interesting tricks, he is a professional of the highest degree, but someone hung a cage with a parrot, and the parrot, not only is talking , he has performed in the circus before and knows absolutely all the tricks, all the clues, what goes where, only the magician will show you, everything is good, the pope says, there is a ball in the top hat, or a rope in the pocket, this parrot hates this, and he gives out tricks, suddenly the shipwreck is sinking, a ship, a poor magician is floating on a piece of a board, a butterfly is wet, a parrot is sitting on the other side of the board, looking at the magician, okay, i give up, where are the ships . The folder is pretty tipsy, goes up to the fourth floor, opens the door, the whole family is standing, everyone has been waiting for him for a long time, mother, children, she says, shame on you, semyon, you are the father of the family, the children take an example from you, in particular, the older ones look at you, he wants to be like you, who he will be like, shame on you, you got drunk like a pig, he says there are four skyscrapers, a man is standing, smoking, a girl approaches him hello, social survey, fight against smoking, how long have you been smoking . He says, about 30 years, approximately, horror, nightmare, and how many packs a day do you smoke , he says, up to two packs a day, approximately, oh, how can you ruin your health like that, he takes a calculator, you know, a curious thing it turns out , money saved, if you didnt smoke, we could buy this skyscraper, and you smoke, no, of course, but you have a skyscraper, no, but i smoke and my skyscraper, three foreigners come to the office of a Serious Company to renew a contract, they are greeted by a hospitable owner, he also tries to Say Something in english, you and i knew. They sit on the sofa using speakerphone to talk to the secretary, im sure a pod of cognac for these three kazakhs, one says tea to the two kazakhs, i translate thanks. And now friends, a little poetry, there is no artist in the universe wittier than elena. Great, why did you suddenly speak in poetry . Yes, because when i see her, i just cant speaking in prose, the entire huge hall stage is waiting for the beautiful elena. It seems that we got applause, friends, elena stepanenko. Attention, the monologue is performed in character, not on behalf of the artist, all the characters. Are fictitious, all coincidences are random, oh, girls, now you cant force me back into marriage, for some reason everyone feels sorry for a divorced woman, oh, poor thing what kind of misfortune are you . Oh, they came up with such an offensive word, divorced, but the man is divorced, who is he . Intelligence, divorced or intelligence . No, girls, whoever is lucky with a husband, yes, advice love, and i came across such a miracle, you know, there is. And my husbands samovar, big, hot, small, mine combined all three types, i ve only seen my husband sober once in my entire life, in a photo where hes 3 years old. And he was walking like, girls, oh, at night in bed he kept calling me by other peoples names, then galya, then tanya, then ira, but i was really scared when he called me gennady petrovich, and he was stupid, one morning he jumped up and screamed , im blind, call an ambulance, i cant see anything, i say, youre a fool. You have rubles instead of contact lenses did you insert coins . How did you go about getting a tattoo . I drank a bottle of cognac for courage. And the master pointed at the wrong drawing. And the master, instead of a parachute and vdv, put a heart on his chest. And the phrase i love kolya, he now washes himself in a bathhouse with men in a sweater, he has two kolyas in his company, no, of course, sometimes there is nostalgia, but i want to feel that i have a husband, girls, then i will come home in the evening, i throw socks and cigarette butts around the house , i wipe my hands on the curtains, i spill beer on the sofa, i use a childrens water pistol, i shoot everything wall in the toilet, i look at it all and think, god, how good it is that im not married . And what a jealous guy he was, girls, he went to sochi, and secretly installed a gps tracking program on my smartphone, he wanted to track where i was, and i forgot my smartphone in the taxi, in the morning he calls the home phone and yells, oh, and the prostitute is shameless, for the night traveled to all the restaurants, all the hotels, train stations , even went to a military unit, to a gypsy camp, thats it, girls, now im married to a nigga, girls, for some reason we treat our husbands like indians treat cows, and cows in india are a sacred animal, she can do anything, i saw on tv, theres an aunt standing there, its written, a cow is being beaten by her husband, an abuser, she says my husband, very single, is kind, and the fact that he shares, he. Is not to blame, its just that his meatball burst in childhood, and he wanted to kick it, when he sees my round basque, he thinks that its the meatball that is starting to kick him, so i love him very much and will never leave him , as long as the ball doesnt burst, girl, what is this, do we love our husbands . Take care of them, friend i call my wife and say, well, how are you doing . Oh, like Larisa Guzeeva . I mean, what do you mean . She says, i collect his socks around the apartment and look for a pair for everyone. Girls, what do you think of these tips in womens magazines . Your husband shouldnt see you in a robe. When your husband arrives , put on a beautiful dress, do your makeup, hair, manicure, what kind of discrimination is that . Lets write to the men too when your wife arrives, put on a tuxedo, shave your mug and polish your bald head, by the way, this is a moronic fashion for beards, the wimp is 17 years old, and his beard is like a hundredyearold aksakal, boys, you need to take care of your beard. You need to wash it, wash it, vacuum it, you can tell by your beard everything you ate during the week, i say to my neighbor , egor, were you at a barbecue or something, he says, oh, how did you know, i say, your beard is charred and a skewer is sticking out of it, nowadays its fashionable to fall asleep to the sounds of nature, my friend olga, she falls asleep like this, to the sound of the sea, svetka to this, oh, birdsong, oh, and i ve been married for 30 years, only now i fell asleep to this. I remember before the wedding he said, baby, with me, you wont fall asleep, i didnt know that he was the progrape, oh, girls, all his attempts to make money . Listen, i somehow got into business, decided to breed carps, at home, in the bathroom, i say, where should i swim, he says, well , where, where, like this , youll kill carps, youll swim on this side, i say, yeah , okay, then i found out that they give money for donating blood, she was inspired and said, oh, ill donate 800 liters. Ill earn money for a Country House and buy it for myself. I say fool, you only have 5 liters in your body, you only have enough for a doorknob from this house. No, no, no, no more marriage, no more. By the way, girls, another bonus no husband, no motherinlaw, although one friend. Her motherinlaw loves her so much, oh, shell come to her, bring candy, flowers , and say, mom, how i love you, how i like coming to you, you re the best thing for me, oh, shell stand like that by the fence, straighten the wreath, and go home coming. Here we are women, we endure everything, we forgive our husbands everything, because we want to get married, once in a lifetime, my sister was getting married, she thought, well, i wont change my last name, so why change my last name, well, i wont change everything, ill just add my husbands surname to my surname, there will be a double surname, she didnt know that she would get married nine times, she is now kobylina ignatyuk, debussy bulkin, karapetyan lyapuchini, razemblum from kirdyk za, also girls, a divorcee, this is not a second class woman , this is the woman who opened it. A new page in your life. When i was married, i didnt see life, i just washed, cleaned, cooked, and now im finally making my dreams come true. I signed up for dances , i spin feasts, not. Meat grinders, i go to the art studio and paint landscapes, not lists, that buy in the store, i teach. Spanish language, listen, solo alahonastra cien grandes, which means, only love makes our life great, girls, all my dreams have come true, all, all, except one, you know which one, i really want to get married, why, why, because solya, thank you, and now the song alletti, a song about sochi, all together, lets do it hot september brings back to us the joy of bygone years, there are memories in sochi, and let them be a secret for others. You ruffle my hair with your hand, touch my cheek with your lips. And you ask how before, what color is summer, and summer is the color of the sky, huge and blue, and summer is the light of the sun, embroidered with gold. Yes, and summer is the color of willow , green, beautiful, and summer is the light of happiness, almost irresistible, lets rock the hall, lets, lets, lets, lets do it. We met in sochi, suddenly laughed, looking into each others eyes, warm waves, whispered about something , the moon laughed in the sky, even though the years have passed, and we are no longer together, but we will never forget them. Ask me again, what color is summer, and summer is the color of the sky, huge and blue, and summer is the color the sun, embroidered with gold, and summer colors and you, green, are beautiful. No, but this is the light of happiness, almost imperceptible, but summer is the color of the sky, huge and blue, and summer is the light of the sun, embroidered with gold, and summer is the light of willow. Green is beautiful, and these are the colors of happiness, almost imperceptible, wow slachi, thank you, kremska with hyaluronic acid capus and your hair will not remain in the shade. Premiere on the russia channel, wrong prescription for the boy, from which he died, i was not involved in this drug, how could i prescribe it, even by mistake, we have one way out, i ask you not to get involved in this matter, so i dont understand anything at all, doctor krasnov, on monday at 21 20 on the russia channel, russia. Donbass, novororos, big festive concert, broadcast from red square. Today at 21 20 on the russia channel. Vascular disorders, blood clots, varicose veins. Poor blood vessels may be the cause of these health problems. The drug angian helps improve microcirculation, reduce the risk of blood clots, relieve inflammation and strengthen the walls. Blood vessels, keep the blood vessels normal, for real comfort, not renovation is needed, real business doesnt require an office, real friends are not on social networks, real art doesnt only exist in museums, real hobbies dont fade over the years, real life requires a real bank, ps b, a bank for the real, marina, children, me now ill show you this, ill show you this, you just wont believe it, well, here you go, you saw it, well, dad, this is a cashboy from megamarket, they dont allow you to buy without cashback, look, we open a megamarket, we buy everything you need, its profitable with a huge cashback, listen to cashboys advice and you can afford more profitable purchases, we can order a surprise for children for cashback . 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Liquid rubber this is an innovative material that combines the properties of sealant, rubber and glue, forming an elastic waterproof seal, it completely blocks the penetration of moisture , closing any leaks, a leaking pipe, a leaking roof under screws, a broken hose, fixprod three in one will solve any problem , three colors black, white and transparent, not throw away the cracked pot, just apply liquid rubber to the crack and the pot will be like new again, liquid rubber is safe for people, animals and plants, call order fixpro 3 in one for only 999 rubles. But call us right now and get a second cylinder as a gift. Call or order on our website liam. I have to fly across the entire globe at once and never land. Oscar, uruguay does not give permission for overflight. They wont shoot him down, will they . Lord of the wind songs from the heart. Only tomorrow at 16 50 on the channel. Russia, tell me, yur, can you speak in the voices of Famous Artists . Of course, for example, i speak perfectly in the voice of the wonderful artist yuri oskarov, an amazing talent, yuri, bravo, i simply understand your irony, because now an artist will appear on stage who not only speaks, but sings in the voices of his favorite artists, and there are a great many of these voices, the most talented parodist, andrey bararinov, hello, sochi, hello, dear viewers, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, we all watch the news every day, i thought that this news was heard it would be much more positive if they were told by our pop stars, our always positive expert Sergei Trofimov would tell about crime news. Here s a reel of incidents a kamas drove into a mercedes on the highway, in the north of moscow for the third time, a mattress under a man caught fire. And in volgograd, a psychopath in a blue dress organized an event in a womens bathhouse, and whether he will continue to live will be decided by a local court on tuesday. Thank you, sergei. Live from moscow by our special correspondent galip and mavik, who they will talk about how scooters run into pedestrians. Friends, lets applaud. Everything, still, in russia, damn it, trouble, the scooter is for me, back, forward, back and forth, the sidewalk is not for me, how did they get us, i want to scream from you, but god heard me, what am i watching, i, the scooter vleterzhini , give me oscar oscars, makeup on the hood of the car, this is the day for marie and well , now about show business news, our special correspondent Alexander Yakovlevich razenbaum. I wanted to write another song, but today its hardly possible, because i i dont know such people, they are wonderful, just like our murderers today. Moze and they are yelling, they wont name this song, but they are yelling, or they are whispering, like they are sick , but they are tools, such a song doesnt need intelligence, aru, like a cat, aru, thank you, stas mikhailov with the weather forecast, we sing, we dance, we sing along, dears friends, meet, hoba, more, more, novosibirs, minus one fog and krasnoyarsk, hurricane rains , magadan, cyclone from the ocean, all bullshit, but i can stop all this, im traveling around the country, on a tour, where i always usually, summer everything is for you, because where i am is sochen, always usually in the summer everything is for you, thank you, andryush, you are loved, you are applauded in sochi , andrey barinov, friends, thank you very much, hot weather and bright emotions to you, relax, enjoy, and come to concerts, the phrase is especially popular in our cheerful genre there is only one step to the funny, yes, but it turns out that from funny to great is also a step, but no, a huge creative path, a meter of russian humor, an outstanding artist who is celebrating 60 years of creative activity, and this is not just 60 years of professional stage, this is 60 years of laughter and applause from grateful spectators, peoples artist of russia, evgeny petrosyan. About our humor, 20 years is also an anniversary, 20 years is a program. Went on air and delighted our viewers, as you know, every year i give a report on the state of our folklore today, so someone expressed this not even funny, but accurate thought, the progressive west tried to destroy russia, but it never occurred to them. The idea that russia, in the general structure of the world, is a supporting structure. Yes, as our master said foreign affairs, Sergei Viktorovich lavrov, whoever forgets history gets his geography corrected, from the news. Us scientists decided to count the number of black and white stripes on a zebras body to understand how tolerant it is to African Americans . A german homeless person asks another german homeless person how you became a homeless person, alcohol, drugs, the stock market, but no, he forgot to turn off the light in the toilet. Please note that the words west, trap zapadlo, have the same root, without all of them it is impossible to cook ukrainian borscht, French Onion Soup and german sausages, without russian gas. If you hit a european in the face, he will run away, if you hit an american in the face, he will get angry and sue you, if you hit a russian in the face, then your problems are just beginning. Well, here i have. General topics have already started, a funny phrase nothing to do, sneeze in the ashtray, santa claus, vasya writes to you from omsk, 45 years old, i dont really need anything from you, just tell me please , what kind of creature orders from you every year an increase in the price of utilities, public transport, and food, why is it his wish that you fulfill first . Swine fever, mad cow disease, avian fungus, monkey pox, i would like to ask, will cockroaches have a runny nose . Yes, what do people come up with, a man at the market buys zucchini, are you males or females , otherwise i need caviar, its funny, but a hololet is like chess, checkmate, women say, yesterday i wrote on a dirty. Neighbor, wash me, i see, today its written on mine, come in, ill wash it. Now she has 15 children, but this doesnt bother her, in order to look good on the beach in the summer, natalya has been since winter started fattening up her best friend, oksana. Hello, ill be there in an hour, as soon as you recognize me, but im tall all in black, with a braid , stop, stop, a braid thats the hairstyle, man, congratulations, boy, 3. 700, the man counts out the money and says, look, and inexpensive. The rooster saw a chicken in the microwave, a disgrace in the village there is no one to lay eggs, and here she rides on a carousel, the women say im not a rowan tree to insist on cognac, ill drink whatever you pour. one summer resident had his tomatoes stolen from him all the time. He posted a note one day one tomato is poisoned, it arrives in the morning, all the tomatoes are in place, its written in the note , now there are two, the children are gone, dad, why is my sister called alyonka, and because mom loves these. Understand beer . Mom, dad fell down the stairs, and what did he say, skip swearing, yes, fell, silently, lesson at school, teacher, who considers himself an idiot, stand up, silence, gets up, student, says do you think you re an idiot . Yes, no, its just not good when you stand alone, husbands and wives, the wife listened to her husbands tale of how he drank all night with kolyan and was silent like a fish, kolyan in the closet was also silent. Was your wife a virgin when you got married . I dont know. Someone says yes, someone says no , i cant figure it out, yesterday, you know, i got divorced like horns off my shoulders, valera realized that his wife was cheating on him when he found a stool and a stack of solved crossfords in the closet. Grandma goes to bed, and grandfather lingered in the bathroom for a long time, grandma screams, grandfather, what are you doing there, im brushing my teeth, but then at the same time, brush mine too, grandma and grandfather loved to play hide and seek, in the morning grandma hid moonshine if grandfather his i found it, then in the evening the grandmother was hiding, dialogues, hello, your dog bites, come in, come in, im interested myself, it s only my second day, listen, friend, i brought so many swimsuits here to sochi, i just dont know which one to wear, put everything on, the water is cold. Lady, this dress makes you look fat, well, thank god, otherwise i kept sinning on cheburrek, why did i throw a brick at uncle vasya, i wont do it again, and he doesnt need anymore. My father accidentally swallowed a flash drive, now they call it a folder with files. The fairy tales have gone little Red Riding Hood comes to her grandmother and whispers grandmother, you. Have a scary gray wolf in your bed, some are a terrible wolf, and some are just a vovchik, just like that, yena is cutting her cheburashka, cheburashka, you need your ears, of course, they fixed them, tsar father, the dragon is hungry, and what does he eat, he eats innocent maidens, oh, hell probably die with us. Once on the counter , strawberries, walnuts and bananas started talking. Strawberry, everyone loves me because i look like a heart. Yes, nut says just think, little heart, i look like a brain. banana says friends, maybe well change it after all. mom was getting ready to go to work, this is familiar to everyone, my daughter is 4 years old, my daughter, i went to work, i need it, you lock the door, look, dont open it for anyone, i understood, okay, mommy, mom went out and thought i should check how she is. Reacts, knocked on the door, whos there . The daughter, the mother, asked in a deep voice, it was us, the gas workers, who came to check the gas equipment, silence, then the daughter, also trying to speak in a deep voice, shouted, screw it, were heating it with coal. A sense of humor is an allterrain vehicle that helps you get through the swamp of gray everyday life, i kind of say to all our people, we need to live in many ways like japanese, take our time, dont worry, smile. Thank you, thank you very much. Evgeny petrosyan, our guest is tashitsa, an ensemble that glorifies russian song and family values, small, but very fond of singing, andrei malakhovs evening show, today at 17 50 on the russia channel. Pentalin extragel, it contains a special component for better penetration of pain and inflammation into the glasses. Pentalgin extragel against pain and inflammation in muscles and joints. Contribution, best percentage of savings account up to 12 per annum. Bank deposit rates . But everyone is the same, its not clear how to choose, dear, but how did you choose, i chose the most advanced, and i chose the one that was always nearby, this is bad, the technologically advanced is always nearby, open a deposit with the highest rate, it s more profitable in sberbank with prime , its me, alexander osachiev, i discovered two sea currents, and Global Climate forecasts became more accurate, and this is the moment. When i realized that there were a whole sea of ​​seas in the world, i wanted to know everything about them. Develop an interest in science from childhood. Enroll in scientific specialties. Rf. Every girl wants to be an ideal mother and wife. And every woman, just be yourself. Mayonnaise sloboda. Lets be content, not perfect. Birthday of russian lotto, the main lottery in the country. Lets celebrate with a scale of 50 prizes of a million, ready, and at 100 million, ready, two tickets out of three win, take it for. 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In the application or on the website, when difficult trials come into our lives, it is very important to unite, each of them has their own story, im probably like a mother to them, a story that everyone should hear, the first flight is well remembered, when we were sitting in basements for 7 months, you literally go crazy from all these shellings, i always knew that i have a protector who protected me and my mother very much and protected us from monday to thursday. At 15 00 only on the russia channel, the whole system needs a major overhaul, the whole country needs a major overhaul, i am for private property, how can i open my own business, alexanders film velitinsky, i am for justice, ninetythird, and now, dear viewers, if you have flowers with you, prepare them urgently, and thats it, there is a golden voice on stage, the main performer of the super hit all the flowers are mine, nikolai basko, you always have a blast with her , she is the dream of kings, and caress the seas with tastier sweets, and how funny she is when. She is tender, and how tender she is when she is married, and in order to never lose herself, she wears all the best at once, dress shoes, silks rhinestones, so that your playful mind does not fall in love with another infection, it wears all the best at once. The shoes of the dress are silky with rhinestones, so that your playful mind does not fall in love with another infection, yes, you will always be with her, in any city, for all questions, she is softer than water, she is your talisman, and you are her trap, as if your romance, the shaman bewitched, and in order to never lose you, he puts on all the best at once, dress shoes rustle with rhinestones , so that your playful mind does not fall in love with another infection, she wears all the best at once, silk dress shoes made of rhinestones, so that your playful mind does not fall in love with another infection, above all, joy, happiness, love, health, the girls dont hear you, and we rock the hall, hey, oh, and in order to never lose you, she wears all the best at once, shoes, dresses, silks and rhinestones, so that my playful mind does not fall in love with another infection , she wears all the best at once, dresses, silks and fear. So that your naughty mind doesnt fall in love with someone else, you know why the song is called infection, because in russia they called the most beautiful. Girl infection and in no case wanted to offend anyone, so that you know, because no other word fit this rhyme , and this to me . And now a man who can do absolutely everything will take the stage. Yes, friends, because on our humor he acts both as a presenter, and as an author, and as an actor. In this case, we will be happy to play the role of admiring spectators. 25 years on stage, still the same young , lively, my friend, sergei drobotenko. Friends, i recently read an interesting book called rare professions , listen, there is so much in the world, what people do, well, a veterinarian, okay, we know, we love, it turns out, because of the condition of the cows hooves. Future nadui depend, so it is a special profession, a specialist in pedicures for cows, in europe there is a profession as a bag ripper, and we are fools all our lives for free. In japan, there is such a profession in the subway a pusher of people, we have been trained since childhood. Well, exotic is exotic, and those professions that we are accustomed to since childhood are still with us, and we cannot imagine our life without them, on behalf of a representative of such a heroic profession, i once wrote this story, let us greet this comrade, guys, it would seem, which male profession is the most heroic . An astronaut, maybe, maybe a submariner, but i think so, mine, mine. Im a minibus driver, every day im face to face with our people, and this is even worse than being in a cage with tigers, people know, even if a tiger wants a piece of meat, he ll calm down, our people are always unhappy, sometimes theyll say that, then you dont know how to go further, the guys told me, there was an incident, a minibus was traveling from one District Center to the glorious. City of kirov, betkom, there was a dad in the cabin, his fiveyearold son, a very lively boy, very, inquisitive, thats not the word, his mouth wont close, the minibus stops at a crossing, waits for the train, outside the window there is a steppe, cows , a bull is walking, but the bull doesnt care whether they are looking at him from the minibus or not, the reflex has worked, he has settled down behind the cow, dad, what is he doing . The minibus froze, there was such silence, the flies froze in flight. And then dad says son, and hes looking, how far is it to kirov . The driver could not move for another hour, the bull came up a couple of times , looked in to see if anything had happened, i myself, in my youth, tried to joke, amused myself, did such things, somehow my gazelle stood on stop, there is no one in the cabin yet, i quietly leave the cab, sit in the cabin and remain silent. Gradually a minibus. Soon the first indignant screams are heard, but where is this one, how long can i expect from you, i hear so many new things about myself , but i feel its time, i stand up and say, why wait for him, i myself know the way, i get out of the salon behind the wheel, in a minibus silence, like in the steppe in front of kirov, finally some man yells, guy, slow down, theyll catch up, theyll put you in prison, brake, i say, yes, whoever catches up with me, i live nearby, i ll come out now, well then i confessed, of course, yes ok, guys, im the driver, everyone got off at the next stop, heroic profession, you dont look like that from behind, we approach the stop, and there are two vietnamese, well, native muscovites, only one seat is free, these begin to babble in their own way, here is our man, a siberian , carefully pushes them aside, sits down and says relax, slavs, the gazelle is not going to vietnam. Well, theres constant stress, were driving quietly, calmly, suddenly the whole cabin hears a goats bleating, then some more, i turn around to see if anyone is lucky, then one girl takes out her mobile phone and says yes, dear, the impudent people have gone, impudent, i shout to one woman, citizen, well, where are you breaking in, well, there are no places, no, where are you barging in, im so tired, passionate, take me standing, i somehow regretted it, took two standing, such it was, a girl is standing, a smart guy is sitting next to him, he doesnt give up a seat, no, he just slaps himself on the knees, they say, give me, what a place , this, this, first class, beast this class, she s standing crimson, her teeth are clenched, and theres a guy next to her healthy, was silent, silent, but as soon as he gives it away, girl, you wont sit down, so ill sit down, and i sat down and sobered up instantly. I started to fight, but i wanted the best, but here you cant do that, i remember in the cabin the hatch somehow didnt close tightly, well, of course, while driving from there there was a lot of wind, i wanted the best, the gazelle picked up speed, i turn around and ask the passengers , theres no breeze for you there, under the hatch, people dont understand, who did you call a creep, youre a little gazelle with a steering wheel, but how do they all like to give orders . Grandma was yelling, stop me there on the corner, at the post, at the post, ill tell you specifically at the cat, i didnt go out, im telling you, at the front paws or at rear ones, and its better not to mess with the grandmothers at all, then one backpack comes in on my shoulders, i have only one stop , i wont sit down, ill stand at the door, while i was driving i thought about my own things, about my girls things, how i went hiking with budyonom, at the stop a man opens the door , the whole cavalry comes towards me, rises, he says that mother, the parachute did not open, i remember at my grannys, once a small thing fell and rolled around the cabin, i decided to joke with my head, i say that it fell, its mine, granny told me right away son, now ill fall and ill be all yours. Yesterday, grandma was making her way to the exit, ovozka in one hand, in the other a brand new enamel pot, so she makes her way with the pot, theres a man in front of her, granny pushes the pot and without a second thought, man, are you going . Then she turns around and says, mother, yes, i can wait until i get home, its a heroic profession, but im grateful, people sit down from work, tired, angry, they get home, their eyes are burning, they go out to their stops, with all the stupidity of the door, it feels like theyve rested. Well , thank you, the audience applauds, sergei drabotenko, sergei drabotenko, my pride. I am strong hello russia, russia, exactly a year ago , four regions returned to the russian federation, and this is forever a family where no matter how memorable their hero would be, i would leave the house, right behind the pier. 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That im all about the style of a fashionable lift and a bow, ive got my mouth shut , ive gathered my friends, im wearing red lipstick, im feeling inspired, im 18 today. The clock is ticktock, but theres something wrong with it, theres not enough arrows, the girl has no age, watch ticktock, but something is wrong in them, there are not enough arrows, the girl is too old , i press the Burial Ground in my hand, i go online, hayer in a sultry kick, fashionable nikulkan, i light a loud track, i get courage, i just 18, and the rest is old, a watch, but there is something wrong with it, there are not enough hands , the girl has no age, a watch, something is wrong with it, there are not enough hands, the girl has no age, so, lets turn off the light, say, there is no prohibition, we will go towards the wind, breaking time year by year. Not counting, i know for sure, i know, you and i are together, deshik, but for some reason i didnt understand so, i broke the arrows, depending on the girls age, well, but whatever, i broke the arrows, depending on the girls age, but for some reason theyre not there, i broke the arrows, depending on the girls age, im sure, but whatever, i broke them arrows, the girls age, but something is wrong with them, she broke the arrows, down to the girls age, no age, girls, skydance, girls have no age, thank you for the flowers, thank you very much, and you know on. Sasha, that alexander sergeevichkin always read his works to friends. Well, yes, thats how turgenev read it, and gogol, but what are you talking about . And to the fact that with all due respect, the classics of our literature could hardly read their masterpieces to a whole country of fans, as our favorite satirical writer does today. And here comes the applause, the classic of our humor, alexey tsapik. Moscow minibus, theres a big africanamerican on the minibus, opposite a russian guy , hes in a good mood this morning, he decided to tease him and says mine will be leaving now, yours will give way, the africanamerican is speaking in pure russian, yours. Weve come in large numbers, we and you are an amazing people, our lives are full of amazing, stavropol poster across the road, i wish your garden paradise, buy manure from nikolai, below is a poster manure at the manufacturers price, a post, on a post, a leaf and in clumsy handwriting it is written ill show you a hole in the fence of the distillery, inexpensive, barcelona, spain, and there our tourists came, and there is such a holiday when a herd of bulls is released into the streets of the city, and the men run away from this herd, three russians , shouting for the airborne forces, turned the herd of bulls back, my neighbor decided to find out if it was right they charge us for hot food water . I checked, it turns out that for the money they take from our house alone, you can boil the entire lake baikal and give tea to all the chinese. Tractor driver petrov, drunk, fell asleep at the wheel of the tractor and demolished three barracks, and he was awarded a medal for participating in the state program for the demolition of dilapidated housing. And our education, what a surprise. Well, so far only the first verse, grandson, this is not a joke, its true, he came home from school, he says, grandfather, that we took chemistry, i say that our pesticides are the most pesticidebearing pesticides in the world, and none of their pesticides are ours pesticides do not repesticide. We have been complaining all our lives that there is a brain drain, they introduced the unified state examination, the brain drain has stopped, there are no brains, there is no drain, and the consequences of this education are already being felt, a woman came to apply for a job, the Personnel Department fills out a form there, and it says giving birth, it takes her a long time i thought for a long time, then i wrote there was no childbirth, there were classes. There is now a special channel on tv, they say all the time aliens, flying saucers, thats all, they will fly in, conquer, enslave, and if they fly in, our men will be beaten for courage, theyll take three bottles of moonshine, go and meet you, get to know each other, and ask you to steer. They will waste their plate to hell, and these aliens will then walk on the trains and beg for alms, our people will sit and say the infection has finished drinking does not look like a person, our wonderful elena malysheva, she was offered a good contract in the west, she says, what are you whoever i leave the russian people to, i will treat them to the last. Our old people are wonderful, grandfathers were celebrating the birthday of one of their own in the yard, grandfather stood up with a glass and said im tired of saving for funeral, i will live forever, another grandfather of 80 years old came to the hairdresser, and there was a beautiful young lady, such a busty neckline, she cut his hair, he went there with his ears into this beauty, she cut, cut, then said father, wash your hair we will, but he was stupefied by this beauty, so what, bathe everything , in saratov, this is a real fact, the grandfather of the moonshiner was tried, and he was caught by such an impudent grandfather, he says he drove and will persecute, the prosecutor says, i will put him in jail, his son will persecute , he says, ill put my son in prison, the grandson will drive him away, he says the grandson. The grandfather says and by that time ill already ill go out, after the retirement age was introduced, many sayings became outdated, remember, its 45, a woman is a berry again, remember , forget, the deadlines have been moved, now a woman is considered a berry from 69 to 77. Then there are raisins up to 84 dried fruit after 97 volezhnik, appeared new sayings 67 little pioneer, 68 were quietly bringing it into the clerks office, 75 dont turn around, amazing people , maternity hospital, mommy, beauty, such a belly, the doctor comes up and says, darling, and the childs father will be present in nature, she says, no , for some reason he doesnt communicate with my husband, we amazing people, let me ask you about some of our brothers who have the right to examine the prime ministers patients. On the russia channel, i just believe him, unlike the others, you are right again, doh, he finds a way out where others see only a dead end, he will leave now, call the second therapy, call krasnov, but will he be able to find the key to your memory, and whats wrong with him, there are versions , the hospital comes first for you, this krasnov, you have so much in common, or maybe you shouldnt have disagreed, or maybe you should have, doctor . Krasnov, we watch the continuation on monday at 21 20 on the russia channel. Russia, donbass, novororos, big festive concert, broadcast from red square. Today at 21 20 on the russia channel. Where its cheaper, its cheaper here. Prices are lower than in the store in a special section in the savings market. Buy zeva Hygiene Products with discounts of up to 40 . Sbermarket is cheaper here. This is ozonbank. And how many clients do you have here . Already more than 25 million. They also give cashback up to 100 to the lucky ones. 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According to his command, we will bring her up to my level, soon, a unique show on the russia tv channel, the best teachers of the country are again in the project, a cool theme, 35 semifinalists, are ready to surprise you with their skills, every lesson is a fascinating performance, every subject is a world full of discoveries, enter the community of the project cool topic and choose your favorite, perhaps he will be in the final or even become its winner, i vote for the best teacher in russia, i always want to imagine the artist is somehow easily witty, but its not so simple , especially if there are three artists at once, nothing complicated, three is a fabulous number, so. There are three heroes of our humor on stage, no, not that, there are three fat men on stage, again not then, yur, stop before you get to the three little pigs, ill say it simply, the stage is a brilliant trio oksana nevezhina, roman seletsky and mikhail belov, we applaud with triple strength, a family of Opera Singers at home is putting the child to bed. Lets go to sleep , without disturbing the neighbors, im rocking the baby, why arent you sleeping, youre tired of work, there are things to do, worries, well, you keep shouting, whats going on here, dad is coming into the house, come on, quickly, everyone is in the corner , i came from work, ill throw off my boots, im very, very glad, i, good evening, my wife, good evening, and you my little doll, keep it down, dear, barely, child, its high time to rein in all of you in your theater of muscovite , you cant rein in everyone, im just keeping myself in a humorous form, by the way, today we discussed with the orchestra the autotentic codance in the majorminor system, oh, yeah, yeah, exactly, how are you doing at the opera house . Im tired, im sick of the fan, im sick too the double bass has hit the double bass, maybe well lie down, and dinner, what a dinner, im into shellshocked trambons, or maybe well knock on the moracas, moracas , come on, lets do your oratorio as a duet, darling, ill explain, i have a phonetic sound from the fano, well, i dont care this. Sing along the triangle, bravo, bravo, horn on your ligaments, you woke him up, even the child woke up while she was aware of my maxims, okay, dear, nothing, now i. Ill quickly rock him to sleep, like the classics work wonders, fall asleep, my darling, go to sleep quickly, kids should sleep at night, go to sleep, my son fall asleep quickly, my mother and i want to lie down, so to speak, well catch happiness, mik zloty, we havent caught it for a long time, but i suspect that hes a little bored with the classics, let me try folklore, oh, try. Oh, under the pine tree, under the green tree, ill put you to sleep, son, ill put you to sleep, my son, go to sleep quickly, dont delay kind and honest people , there will be a reaction, calmly, now ill sing him a mans lullaby, in the end, like a man, a man, he you must understand me in this situation, sleep, sleep son, sleep my son, my crazy son, my crazy son, come on, quickly, my crazy son, you son of a bitch, go to sleep, honey, well, you scared him, thats not the point, he just doesnt know anything about modern music yet, what should we do, lets move on to the crowning one, horse, cheriki, cheriki, well, what to do, dear, i dont even know , i heard modern children love this, whats his name, rap, exactly, dear, come on , yo, dear, the three of us live in a single room, this is the situation, your parents now need a bed, and ill add a banana for you now, are you not at all youre sleeping bro, nothings working out, well, lets move on to plan b, lets move on, well, again without grandma, no way . Sleep, sleep, my falcon, now your grandmother will sing you a lullaby, sleep my joy. Sleep, the lights have gone out in the house, the fish have fallen asleep in the garden, the birds have fallen asleep in the pond, sleep, the hood of the buzzards themselves will change. In a fairy tale, you can ride on the moon , ride a horse over the rainbow, make friends with a baby elephant, let s go to bed as we go to bed, on the bed, were tired during the day, well say good night to everyone, close your eyes. Well, come on, like this, every time. Guys, take a bow, the audience is applauding you, thank you, thank you, bravo, guys. Yura, remember, in humor, as in any business, you must strive for the top. Well, you dont have to worry about that, natasha, our festival is absolutely going uphill. You are sure . Of course, because in the performances of our next artist there is always the height, beauty and indescribable flavor of the caucasus mountains. On stage, the main horseman of humor, karen avanisyan, thank you, god, why, why, why am i so unlucky, why, i always try to do something good, but it turns out, as always, i remember, i lived in a communal apartment, one it was our neighbors birthday, and i decided to give her a painting, a gorgon jellyfish, you know, yes, who has eyes like shrek, and worms instead of hair. I decided to make a surprise, at night, while she was sleeping, i entered her room with a flashlight, i was thinking where to hang a single nail, i took the mirrors off the wall, hung this picture, well, what did i do so terrible, well, just think, she looked in the morning, instead mirrors in the gorgon, what immediately . Lose consciousness, by the way, she herself doesnt look any better in the morning, well, thats not all, in our communal apartment in one Three Sisters live in a room, three neighbors, old maids, they still remember my mother, well, i decided to give them a gift for the new year, order santa claus to give gifts, play there, hold some quizzes, and then you can see that. Then they messed up instead of santa claus, they sent a stripper instead of the usual santa claus, i heard a noise at night, went out into the corridor, oh, poor guy, he bursts out of the apartment screaming this is for a fee, and the grandmothers, pulling him back, squeal that from the seventh they have pension, they will pay him off, one of the grannies, a respectable lady of 75 years old sat down on the unfortunate streptesian and shouted that she was a veteran of labor and should be served in line. Another one was yelling at the whole entrance that she was ready to pay with a credit card, but at the same time she was waving a free medical insurance card, so you think at least someone said thank you, yeah, all three of them told me at once, they say, santa claus, he says, youre worthless , you suck at santa claus, they kept him there all night, but still didnt get a gift, and i decided, thats it, ill stop with the neighbors, ill do good, only for mine relatives, and then my motherinlaw moved to a new apartment, i decided to order her a regular gas stove for her housewarming, the Courier Service messed something up, instead of a gas stove they sent a granite stove. As soon as my motherinlaw opened the package, then i called, i didnt suspect anything, i said, well, mom , you liked my gift, are you completely crazy, is it normal to give such things in advance, i say, what s abnormal here, the day when you will be transport, there will be a lot of hassle, we need to take you, we need a bus with guests and do relatives need to order . Yes, it is necessary, you also need to negotiate with the musicians in the restaurant, you need to have fun celebrating such an event. By the way, i say, i need to remember to also take a hammer and nails. Surely it will be needed, she shouts, will you be there before me . I say, for your information, i am going to go there tomorrow, i need to see how best to get there, how it is more convenient to bring it in, if i were you, i say, i would also go there in advance. If only we could get to know our neighbors and see how theyre settling in, after all, its up to you side by side, at the same time we looked at who had which slabs, we would once again be convinced that your slab is the best, that it would scream, i knew it, i decided to get rid of me, put a cross on me, i say, which one . Cross, what are you talking about, what kind of cross, well, if i wanted to put up a cross, why did i order the stove . Word by word, we had a fight. So after that she didnt talk to me for a month, i cant understand why, but every person should do something pleasant, joyful, so i, for example, came on this stage to to cheer you up, and judging by the way you smiled, laughed and applauded, i succeeded. 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But if you call us right now, we will give you more than 50 discount. And the natural fur hat gerda will be yours for just 1,000. 499 rub. Call or order on our website leamax. Ru. Leamax purchases with a plus. Come on, all together . I see right through you all, i recognize you right away. Lets watch it all together. On friday at 21 30. You are the most beautiful. And my favorite thing, movies on weekends, i feel so good with you, you cant imagine, i understand about your love , and you think its right to seduce saividskys daughter in order to take a place in the office, what do you want, honestly, the only thing stronger than a womans love is a womans revenge, my bride, dont play these games with me, my favorite, tomorrow at 13 50 on the russia channel all viewers know the smile of this artist, but he practically does not know the smiles of his viewers. Naturally, because when he is on stage, the audience they practically dont smile, they hunt them. As i understand them, at our festival gennady. Thank you. You know, i was recently visiting my friend for a housewarming party, he lives in a high rise building, i heard two new residents talking there, one said to the other viktor pavlovich, why are you Walking Around so sad, you have such a face, you know, not a single light is on, its generally sad, you seem to have been on vacation in turkey for 3 weeks, he says you see, sergei dmitrievich, the fact is that i took 3,000 rubles there, and brought back a magnet for fridge. Someone says it would be better if there was a pebble, well, firstly, the pebble was eaten in a suitcase, secondly, it was taken away at customs, thirdly, you are interested in pebbles, are you a builder, he says, no, a jeweler, friends, my , todays miniature, it is dedicated to professions, by the way, today there are so many new professions that i recently heard one person say to another you know, mitya, i would work as a targetologist or trend watcher. Or a content aggregator at worst, just an ordinary tutor, the second one says and i, vitya, i would try my hand at crown funding, fundraising, or work as a cavisist, i stood and listened to the whole conversation, i recognized only two familiar words vitya and mitya, and this is a conversation between two teenagers, you know, 40 and 45 years old, thats the joke, well, no joke, its on there are professions that are typical specifically for this country, an acquaintance of mine came from japan , a certain valerchik said gen, what do you mean, they have such a profession, you know, theyre called huggers, these huggers relieve stress so well that you, and he stresses all the time, this valera, he has a nickname even valerchik is a cataclysm, something happens to him all the time, he recently bought a tv for 150,000, yes, on the very first day, his cat pushed the tv to the floor, and its not repairable, i say, valer, well it turns out, 150,000 down the drain, what did you do to the cat for this, gene, and what will you do with it, it costs 200,000 on its own, so he told me that in japan, there is a special cafe where they relieve stress, there instead of tables , this is real, i checked later on social networks, instead of a table in the bed, if a person comes to bad mood, heres a man, for example, he can order a boy, they lie down on this bed, hug, yes, they relieve stress , but no intimacy, well, the gene says, two stresses in a row, we are worse than japan, i am two huggers invited, well, we always improve everything, i think the clothes will make such contact, we completely undressed with them and the girls, hugged, relieved stress, thats all, and tamara is married, take it 3 days earlier, come back from her mother, i never thought that tamara and i could have such a misunderstanding, i didnt believe in the japanese method at all, so i said, i dont need your valerushka love, who needs you now without teeth . In scandinavia there is a profession called dog tax inspector, i have one friend, his name is tima, he lives in turku, finnish, he says, gen, our tax on a dog is about 700. Euros and many people hide their dogs so as not to pay , i say, what is this dog inspector supposed to do . Well, he walks around apartments, if he suspects that there is a dog somewhere, he must be able to. Bark in at least twenty ways, he approaches this apartment starts barking and sometimes barks for 15 minutes, or even half an hour, i say, and what is the result . Well, if theres no dog, they can just punch him in the face, but if he barks and the other side responded with a fine of 3,500 euros, i say, youre making up nothing, he fined me myself, and i decided not to have the dog anymore. And bought a new dog, i called it codpiece beautifully, set up a video camera and waited until this woman, the dog inspector, crept up to my door, and i took tape and wrapped the codpieces face with tape, she barked for about 20 minutes, i i watched this movie and laughed with inner laughter, i say how it ended, the codpiece couldnt stand it and burst into tears. I say why did they charge me a tax for the wolf . In italy there is a profession called parmesan listener, cheese listener, but at first i think that listening to cheese is what . Well, although on the other hand, if you are in a festive mood, you can not only listen to cheese, but also any products, but seriously, in italy , cheese mezan matures for 3 years, and the listener of this cheese must have absolute pitch and he constantly taps with a hammer head of cheese, determining the degree of its readiness, this information was heard by the loader uncle grisha from the elite supermarket chetvorochka, well, when the senior marketer and the junior merchandiser were talking , when everyone left, he took the head of cheese, italian, took a hammer and just as best he could, then i knocked i listened to sausage, then i listened to borscht, then beans, how good that before that i listened to strange mushrooms in the forest, and the profession of psychoanalyst, it is in demand in any country, because now there is so much stress, friends, yes, so many phobias, i found out , what there is even such a phobia, fear of beautiful women. Can you imagine, do you know what calligenophobia is called . What is the fear of closed spaces called . Claustrophobia, here the grandfather is going to visit his grandson, the grandson lives in a highrise building, on the twentyfifth floor, so the grandfather enters the elevator, reached the sixth floor, the door opens, this, you know, girl comes in, 2025 years old, all the blood, and with condensed, everything is here, the skirt begins here, ends here, the lips are like a duck at a watering hole, they are moving, grandfather he looks at her, weve passed five floors, he says, beautiful, stop the elevator, but i dont understand, stop the elevator, she stops , get out, come on, over grandpa, i didnt understand, he says, get out, lets go. Im for myself im not answering, this is an example when several phobias are combined into one, children also have phobias, i know a doctor who is a specialist in these phobias, he says, his mother brought a boy, hes about five years old, he says he hasnt been able to sleep peacefully for a month now , he says, i cant sleep, they were scared under the bed terrible, terrible monster , terrible monster, terrible monster, the doctor says, yes, but its like a childhood phobia. Dont even pay attention, dont need to be treated, but whats under your bed . Its nothing, just an ordinary bunk bed, he sleeps on top, i sleep on bottom. I wrote comments, everyone left, the doctor drank vodka, valerian and fistal, he himself almost became a bunny from this aunt. I recently found out that we do too. A new profession has appeared, not just somewhere, in russian elite baths, can you imagine, you know what its called, more often clap, its a massage therapist for bald people. Like that, there the bald spot is first pricked around the perimeter with small injections of psyllium, and then the whole cranial compartment is treated for 45 minutes with amber gloves, we heard, no, we heard, well, thats right, as you may have heard, i just came up with this myself yesterday, friends, but you can come up with anything , whatever, but it is important that there is a demand for the profession, call it the activity, you can do whatever you want, and more often there is a bang, and a wink, and a droop, the main thing is that the salary is normal, you pay and that without stress and recessions, i wish happiness to everyone in the profession, because everything the profession needs everyone profession, good luck in your career, sochi applauds, gennady vetrov. You know, natasha, i have one wonderful song spinning in my head, i can just hear it on the street somewhere, a lonely accordion wandering, i dont understand why it was brought to me . I know, only you are confused, wandering not on the street, but behind the scenes, not an accordion, but an accordion, and not at all alone, along with its owner. Exactly, exactly. Handsome guy with an accordion, pyotr drango, pyotr drango the Information Service of the russia tv channel continues its work on the air, you are watching news, my name is maria sittel, hello. Exactly a year ago , donbass and novorosiya again joined the big family of russia. Thank you for the fact that, despite all the trials, you preserved and passed on your love for the fatherland to your children. And now