December 22, 2020
CALGARY – Mabel Doyle, a 24 year old graphic designer bled out in her apartment last Wednesday after attempting to floss for the first time in four years.
“I’m the one who found her”, said Doyle’s roommate, Claire Cannon, holding a newly purchased Waterpik. “She had just mentioned she watched an episode of Queer Eye and wanted to better herself, next thing I knew, blood was gushing out of her gums like she was flossing with a chainsaw and not a milimeter long nylon string.”
When contacted, her dentist, Dr. Marlon Reid, claimed to have warned her multiple times. He stated: “People think they bleed during their visits because I stab around in there with my little tools, but it’s actually because, like Mabel, people don’t floss enough.” When asked how to avoid bleeding when flossing, Dr. Reid replied, “flossing will help avoid bleeding.” Then, it was pointed out to Reid that flossing causes the bleeding. And he was all like, “yeah but flossing also prevents the bleeding.” Then we hung up on him.