We really have to rush. Luca okay, then we will really rush. Shelley im not used to seeing you in makeup. You look very pretty. Be loud and clear when you answer your question, okay . Ren ill try. Shelley oh, boy, were gonna be late. Ren okay, we have everything ready. Shelley yeah, we packed the car. Oh, a brush i gotta bring a brush. Were going in daddys car. Ren, when we get there, you rush right to the stage, cause theyre doing the rehearsal. Well, im sure they say 9 30 just to get people there early enough. We shouldve gotten up earlier today, i just didnt realize it would take us so long. Luca its literally 9 31, its okay. people talking in background shelley im going to have to get a spot, too, because those women can be vicious. party in the u. S. A. By miley cyrus playing song continues shelley its unbelievable back there in the dressing room i mean, we got here at 9 30, but the dressing room is, like, i had to go all the way in the back to get two chairs. Luca oh. Shelley and we are just squished, all, like, all our stuff is on these two little chairs. Because people are spread out with, like, makeup, and. Dresses hanging. And 3,000 dresses its crazy. Luca oh, theyre so cute none of them can spin. Theyre so adorable. Shelley same dance, see . Luca yeah. Shelley you could have taught it to ren. Im sure you still know it. laughing all right, let me go sign ren in. people talking in background shelley so you are number 40. So most of the things that you do, youll go out, youll be the 40th in line. Well look up whos number 39. Ill go over the program with you. Ren why is this room used for, for little miss westie . Oh, its the changing and, and makeup room. This is the backstage room. Where would someone change . Well, thats why i told you, you just change here we just quickly switch clothes. Its so fast. And everyones changing, and no ones looking at you. And you have your. Thats why i knew youd want to wear the little bra. people talking in background audience cheering and applauding party in the u. S. A. By miley cyrus playing welcome, everyone. Im so glad everyone can join us today to watch the amazing girls and boys strut their stuff today. audience applauding emcee and now its time for the talent section. Enjoy the show. My hearts far, far away on speakers but they cant see the light, thats right hiphop beat playing my name is sydney and im five years old and im really excited to be in the show on speakers she works the nights by the water shes gone astray, so far away from her fathers daughter empty belly life rotten smelly life full of sorrow life no tomorrow life holding note audience cheering and applauding emcee next up, we have ren mccarthy. audience cheering and applauding playing quietly audience murmuring, shuffling audience noise continues, ren playing quietly people shushing luca why arent they listening . Why wont they be quiet . people shushing woman hi, everyone, i just want to ask everyone to please be quiet when kids are doing their talents, because its really hard for the judges to hear, and if you want people to be quiet for your kid, you should be quiet for other peoples thank you. audience cheering and applauding resumes playing people talking in background rens piece continues phone camera clicks ren im feeling nervous. Shelley just know this, theres nothing you could do wrong. Emcee tell us, what famous person would you like to be for a day . I would like to be the Boston Bruins goalie, because i would love to be in an nhl game and meet all the players. audience cheers and applauds, emcee speaking softly emcee whats the hardest thing youve ever had to do and how did you accomplish it . The hardest thing ive ever had to do is not being able to speak to my grandmother in spain, because i dont speak spanish. But now im learning how to speak spanish so i can speak to her. Emcee thank you. audience cheers and applauds please welcome ren mccarthy. audience cheers and applauds shelley i have no idea what ren is going to do. audience cheers and applauds emcee if you could timetravel, when would you go, and why . I would go back to when i was three or four. people talking in background and tell my parents that i was a girl, rather than a boy. And make sure that they knew that back then. audience cheers and applauds luca she did it audience cheers and applauds emcee wow, im at a loss of words for that audience cheers and applauds announcer model for baby or mini, giovanna harty. Pageant princess, emiliana gonzalez. Pageant queen, kiki adamo. Prettiest hair for preteen or teen, rebecca aranzo. Prettiest eyes, petites, isabelle roche. Costume, preteen or teen, kiki johnson woods. Model for little, olivia moretti. Personality, baby or mini, leonna fillogy. audience cheers our preteen category, this years pageant sweetheart, ren mccarthy audience cheers and applauds shelley woohoo gasps a crown, oh, now shes happy. Yay laughs luca ren, ren, ren highfive. giggles teens happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you happy birthday, dear luca happy birthday to you laughing woo applauding talking in background phone camera clicks girl does it. Does it look like he cut his hair . Luca why is he wearing the hat . No, go back, go, leave leave, leave luca if i could go back in time, it would probably be to when i came out the first time, and just stuck with it. Because i know, like, in the moment, it was really stressful, it was really upsetting. But if i stuck with it back then, i could have gone into high school as luca. Luca laughing that was worse that was worse than the first luca i dont know if i would really change that, actually. Because i like my group of friends. And i like everything that im doing. And im really excited for the next school year. So it doesnt really matter anymore. Luca you messed up no, you, i. Luca a lot has happened, and, like, getting my name changed and going on testosterone and stuff like that. Im really glad that that whole process is done. I think that all, like, the big major challenges are done with, and now its pretty much just normal. And, like, every Single Person makes fun of me for it and i dont know why. Every single chris i have some concerns for their safety. The biggest scare for me is that they will feel unhappy with themselves, because thats the, the threat thats hardest to protect them from. As long as theyre happy with who they are and theyre feeling comfortable and supported, thats the most important thing to me. kids talking in background shelley oh, thank you. Shelley it was tumultuous at first. Before she transitioned, ren couldnt read at grade level. She couldnt write a sentence. She would get really worked up about it. She had this underlying anxiety that put her base levels so high, that anything that added a teeny bit of anxiety put her over the edge. After she transitioned, they approached me and said they didnt think that she needed the special Education Services anymore. They said shes one of the smartest kids in the school. And shes well above grade level in reading and writing. She can write pages now. kids talking in background ren okay, this is cheese pizza. I dont know about the other two. Not as cheesy as my jokes. friend giggles like that one. Shelley at this point, it seems odd that we ever struggled. Now i never think of them as being a different gender than they are right now. Luca is my son. Ren is my daughter. And. You know, now were just the mccarthys again. restless year by ezra furman playing ooh, la, ooh salayga, ooh la, ooh la, ooh loo ooh, la, ooh shalayga, ooh la, ooh la, ooh loo del toro stay up to date on america reframed at worldchannel. Org. Subscribe to world channels youtube to go beyond the lens with our filmmakers. Tell us what you think using americareframed. Its 11 00 on a tuesday, and im staring at a computer screen, working at a job, picking up some parttime hours at a job that i used to work at 15 years ago. And everythings going fine, because its not complicated technology. But all of a sudden, my heart rates picking up really fast, and my throat is closing up, and my chest, my heart is, like, beating, and this person whos trying to train me is talking, and shes using words, but, like, its just not computing and, like, executions that. Things i could just do, like, an hour ago, like, my finger just wont. Its like everythings in slow motion. And i know when the scales tipped that made the anxiety attack thats, like, fullblown panic attack come on. It was about 20 minutes ago, someone had walked to the front of this store where im working. And shes so familiar, and she and i are, like, eyeing each other. Its like i know her face, and i know her name, but was like 15 years ago. And, and im like, you know, i dont really know. And she comes up, and she said, did you say you were a teacher . And im distracted, right . cause im trying to learn this new technology, and im, like, trying to make Good Impressions with new people and, like, manage old acquaintances, and so my guard is down. And just instinctively, im like, yeah, i taught middle school in hillsboro. And her head snaps back, and shes like, so did i for 30 years. Why cant i place you . And thats when i lost it. Because i was completely terrified of what she was going to say next. So i turned to the woman next to me, whos training me, and im like, ill be right back. And i make a beeline to the back of the store, frantically searching for the hr person who i just met an hour ago i dont even know her. And shes walking toward me with this plate, and theres, like, macaroni and cheese and something else, its her lunch, the poor thing. And im like, do you have a second . And shes like, yeah, probably thinking, hes been here an hour, what could have happened . And we sit in this office, and these chairs are so close to each other its like a closet, our knees are practically touching. And im like, uh, you know, and these words are falling out of my face even though im trying to be profesh. And im like, do people know, like. Are people, you know. And shes like, do people know what . Im like, are they saying. Like, i dont really know, and im, like, just falling apart. And she. And i realize she has no idea what im talking about. And so i stop. And i said, i worked here 15 years ago. And shes like, i know. And i said, and then i moved away, and i transitioned my, my gender identity, and, and now im back. And her eyes start filling up with tears, because i realize shes in shock, because im passing as male, and she has no idea. And shes trying to make me feel better in the minute, in the moment. Shes like, were all very welcoming here. And she actually starts to, like, tell me about another transgender person on the staff. And im like, whoa, did the person disclose that its okay for you to say that . And shes like, oh, i dont know. And i was like, you know what . Its going to be fine, its going to be fine. And we kind of awkwardly wrap up. And i stand up, and i leave the office, and shes kind of, like, shaking her head, you know, im like, oh, i just floored her. And then im like, you know, really, what i need is something to eat, because hunger always makes the anxiety worse. So i go over to the cafe, and im, like, staring at the menu. Im, like, i can do this, i can do this. Vegetables always is a good decision. Im a health coach, i know that. But i cant. Like, my brain is just hijacked by this anxiety of like, what are people going to say . And so people across the counter, like, smiling, like, introducing themselves, and like, i cant even. So i grab my phone, and i run outside, and i called my mom, who answers on the first ring, which is poignant, because we were estranged for four years because of my transition. And so to be calling mom in a moment like this is pretty profound. And she answers; and im like, mom, i totally made the wrong decision. And shes like, what . Why, what happened . And she knows what im talking about, because 24 hours ago, i was trying to decide between choosing two parttime jobs, starting to get my business up and running after doing it up here in boston for ten years, got to start from scratch. So what kind of parttime job do i pick . Other people would factor in things like, well, how far is it . How many miles, you know, would you put on your car . How much gas would you use . So thats what i tried to decide. So i pick the one thats closer, and i pick the one that i used to work at as a different identity 15 years ago. So theres this added factor of me being transgender. And i realize what brought on the anxiety is my fear of people asking what my name used to be and talking about pronouns and asking invasive questions that for six years ive answered and im tired of answering. And i just dont want to answer those questions anymore. I dont want to talk about who i was, because whats the point, otherwise, if i dont get to be who i am now . And my mom listens; she says, well, you had to know it was going to be like this. And i say, well, mom, at 34, i didnt really know it was going to be like this, because thats when i transitioned. And she said, well, have you had lunch yet . And i say, no. She said, go get yourself some vegetables. Itll make you feel better. Which is adorable, that my mother, again, the one that im calling in a moment like this, knows what to tell the health coach to do. So i go back inside, and i do get myself some vegetables, and i sit down, and the anxiety goes away because i realize that i cant control what people say, i cant control what people do who can . All i can control is my response, and thats what transition has taught me, is that im going to do that one person and one conversation, and probably one anxiety attack, at a time. applause Stefan Lynch Strassfeld ss my family were mostly gay guys, who were my babysitters and the guys who you know, took the pictures at my birthday parties. And i felt like i had this amazing family. I called them my aunties. And it was a really wonderful, amazing world that came crashing down. Starting in 82, the first person i knew, died of aids. Um, a young guy named steve. Beth teper bt and how old were you at the time . Ss i was ten when he was diagnosed. I remember, i was on the beach on fire island and he was covered in these purple spots and i remember asking my dad, like whats wrong with steve . And my dad said, oh he has this skin cancer called kaposis sarcoma. And i said, well what is that . And my dad said, well nobody really knows, but there are some gay men that are getting it. And within i think 2 months, steve was dead. And it was pretty much a succession of deaths of my family throughout the next decade. My step dad bill died in 87. My dad died in 91, after a really grueling six months of me taking care of him. You know, i was 19 and i was on a break from college and was really at my wits end and exhausted from taking care of my dad i called up my auntie eddie and i said, can you help . And within a week, hed organized 40 people to do round the clock shifts. He was the only other person in the room with me and my mom when my dad died. At that point, everyone had died except for a handful of stragglers who i now hold near and dear to my heart. My aunties. It was a powerful family. There was a lot of love. And they modeled for me how to survive an epidemic, even if you were dying while doing it
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