Big and important. Ask your doctor is your heart is healthy enough to destroy the world. Do not take viagrageton if you are sane. Viagragedon do we all have to die because your penis is small . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, tiny hands, big button. Plus, stephen welcomes America FerraraDavid Harbour and musical guest julien baker. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen anniversary nice. Lovely. Invigorating. Hey, everybody thanks so much. Please sit down, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen welcome, welcome cheers and applause theyre just theyre just theyre just screaming to keep warm, you realize. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is great cheers and applause thank you very much. Back at you. No, back at you for being here tonight. Its great to be with you, all of you here, together, physically intablght, skin still firmly on our faces. Because i bring it up, only because its a small story you may not have heard of it tonight were closer to thermonuclear than last night, which is a fun fact. And it all started on new years day . New years day. When north Korean Leader and stackable dictator, kim jongun, bragged, its not a mere threat but a reality that i have a Nuclear Button on the desk in my office. Yes, its true analysts didnt think north korea would ever achieve the Technology Necessary to create a desk. laughter and it was terrifying. It was a terrifying threat from a desperate nation led by an unstable madman, so our president met with his National Security team and did Everything Possible to deescalate this potentially cataclysmic confrontation. laughter im just kidding. He tweeted north Korean Leader kim jongun just stated that the Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times. will someone from his depleted and foodstarved regime please inform him that i, too, have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger and more powerful one than his, and my button works first of all, mr. Trump, you should be bragging about the size of your missiles. Okay . Buttons cheers and applause i dont know if he knows this traditionally, buttons are kind of a lady part. laughter as in, i dont think the president knows where to find the button. laughter cheers and applause plus i hope. I hope not. Dont know what that means. Plus, interesting fact about the Nuclear Button there is no button. It is not real. Its a metaphor. Unless they put a phony button on trumps desk. Right between the one that orders him a coke and the one he presses to hear what the cow says. Stupid cow, fake moos. laughter obviously my favorite joke. Obviously cheers and applause thank you, thank you. Thank you. Obviously, were kidding, and we kid because we dont want to die. At least i dont want to die this stupid, you know. I was hoping for something with more dignity, like slipping on a roller skate into the mouth of a yawning polar bear. Or choking on gum while dancing in my underwear to huey lewis and the news. Or being struck by the Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile, surviving, only to be run over by its competitor, the Hebrew National beefwagon. cheers and applause meanwhile that would be a better way to die. Meanwhile, republicans have been silent about this. Nothing about the risk of thermonuclear response oh, obviously, other than mitch mcconnell. Duck and cover cheers and applause . Stephen but, remember, kids, under the desk. I think there might be a way, though, i really do think there might be a way to calm trump down about the size of his button. This is a message for the president. President obama. cheers and applause sir, youve given a lot for this country, but we need one more thing. We need you to go on national tv and say trumps penis is bigger than yours. No one will believe you, but only one person has to. For the love of god, sir, what choice do we have . cheers and applause in the meantime think hell do it . Do you think hell do it . I think he will. Hes a good man. In the meantime, if im gonna die, im gonna die doing what i love. Hit it its hip to be square its hip to be square its hip to be square its hip to be square but today laughter but today, we learned why trump may be acting like this. According to a new book called fire and fury, donald trump didnt want to be president. He didnt want him to win. Theres a name for that the majority of american voters. cheers and applause trump applause trump was planning on failing and walking away with the fame and the money. Or, as the article describes it, this was a reallife version of mel brooks the producers. in some ways, it still is. Just look at all the happy nazis jon ooooh. Stephen what . Am i being too hard on nazis . I didnt realize we had so many nazi fans here tonight. laughter its a brilliant plan. But then tragedy struck he won. Donald jr. Told a friend that, on election night, his father looked as if he had seen a ghost. Melania was in tears and not of joy. Really, melania cried on election night. That is the first thing we have in common. cheers and applause other than, of course, our smoky eyes. laughter cheers thank you. No, thank you. The campaign was in such disarray that his closest advisors had no faith in him, like trump strategist and Vincent Donofrio from men in black, steve bannon. Got any sugar water . When he came on board in august, bannon thought the campaign was done for. He described it as the broke dick campaign. Our previous president was a professor of constitutional law. But in Trumps Campaign early on, a Campaign Staffer was sent to explain the constitution to the candidate. You cant have a president who doesnt know what the constitution is. Thats like a pilot saying, attention, passengers, we are heading towards houston so just sit back and enjoy the flight. One quick thing, if anyone back there knows how to get to houston and land a plane, please, just push your call button. And im not sure which button that one sthough. laughter and nobody in trumps circle seemed to like him very much. During the transition trump called murdoch to float a plan that murdoch thought would alienate his base. When he got off the phone, murdoch reportedly shrugged and said, what a bleep idiot. Two things, mr. Murdoch, one, youre an australian. You have no right to talk about our president that way. And, 2, is australia current accepts application . Because ive heard our president is a bleep idiot. Even trump applause thank you, mr. Murdoch. All of this proves once again, which it comes to mr. Trump everything is exactly what you thought it was. His entire schtick is just trying to convince you youre crazy for seeing whats obvious which makes sense. Thats basically how you sell luxury real estate. Wait, why is this so expensive . And why is your name on the building you . Didnt even build it . Ill tell you, because its got gold leaf and faux marble floors and lots of fancy french stuff like a bidet and a foyer. By the way, dont get those two confused. Trust me. cheers and applause do you know what else is exactly how you think it is . Trump and his campaign and russia. Once again, lets go to another bombshell from former trump adviser and what happens when your syphilis gets herpes, steve bannon. laughter in his book in this book cheers and applause in this same book, bannon unloaded on don jr. For his Infamous Trump tower meeting with russians, saying, even if you thought that this was not treasonous or unpatriotic or bad bleep and i happen to think its all of that you should have called the f. B. I. Immediately. So he thinks manafort, don jr. , and kushner did something treasonous, unpatriotic, and bad bleep . Coincidentally, those are also their secret service code names. bleep best of all youre welcome. Youre welcome. Worst of all, bannon thinks they did it wrong. The three senior guys in the campaign thought it was a good idea to meet with a Foreign Government inside trump tower, when they should have done it at a holiday inn in manchester, new hampshire. So hes basically saying it was unpatriotic treason heres how i would have done it. laughter and bannon thinks they should have had their lawyers there so any information could then be dumped down to breitbart, or maybe some other, morelegitimate publication. More legitimate than breitbart . So bazooka joe comics. And and the placemat at long john silvers. Find the maize. Go through the maze. The collusion is at the center of the maze. And bannon is not confident that don jr. Can handle the pressure of testifying before congress, saying, theyre going to crack don jr. Like an egg on national tv. They sure are. Cnn is already running a promo. This is the senate. This is don jr. Testifying before the senate. Any questions . Stephen yeah, i have a question. How soon can that happen . This afternoon cheers and applause superbowl ratings. Superbowl rate. Ratings. This afternoon, trump fired back hard. Steve bannon has nothing to do with me or my presidency. When he was fired, he not only lost his job. He lost his mind. Now all he has to do is lose his dog, and hes gonna have an awesome country song. cheers and applause still thank you very much. Still applause still, lost his mind . Thats harsh. What kind of stuff has bannon been saying since he was fired . Every person in this country should get down every night and thank god donald trump is president of the United States stephen clearly insane. applause donald trump even downplayed bannons role on the campaign, saying, steve was a staffer who worked for me after i had already won the nomination yeah, bannon was just a staffer. Or as some people pronounce it campaign c. E. O. laughter though, trump argued, steve had very little to do with our historic victory. I do agree with trump there. That victory was the selfless, uncredited work of one eager young staffer. Trump, trump never never learned his name. Dont know who that kid is. That kids going places. Jon i never met him, yeah. Stephen trumped wrapped it all up by saying that while he and his supporters are trying to build the country back up, bannon is simply seeking to burn it all down. This guys crazy. I mean, he got me elected. Even i didnt want that. Weve got a great show for you tonight. America ferrara is here. But when we come back, donald trump wants his own award show. Stick around. Nah. So, why dont we like flo . She has the name your price tool, and we want it. But why . Why dont we actually do any work . Why do you only own one suit . Its just the way it is, underdeveloped office character. Youre right. Thanks, bill. No, youre bill. Im tom. You know what . No one cares. Chicken and steak for just 10. 99 chilis made some major fajita improvements 48 more meat, 10. 99 please sing it with us its 10. 99 chilis is back baby back baby back mmhmm oh baby chilis is back baby back baby back resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for only forty bucks each. Plus, netflix for the whole family. On us. So, they get their shows. Lets go, girl youre gonna love this bit and you get yours. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. For just forty bucks per line. With no extra charges. Lets rock this joint all on americas best unlimited network, tmobile. 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Stay tuned oh, i will be. laughter i cant take my eyes off any part of your presidency. Its like watching a snake swallow democracy. Personally, im excited for the most dishonest and corrupt media awards of the year, or as we call them in the biz, the fakies. Because nothing gives you more credibility than donald trump calling you a liar. And i, of course, dont want to get snubbed. Thats why tonight and this is true i have placed a billboard in times square the failing New York Times square an laughter purchased a fullpage ad on my twitter feed with a for your consideration ad. Ooipg hoping cheers and applause yeah. Im hoping to be nominated in all categories, including, Outstanding Achievement in parroting george soros talking points, best sound mixing, best chex mixing, least breitbarty, the eric trump memorial award for disappointment, fakest dishonesty, corruptest fakeness, dishonestest corruption, and smallest button. laughter cheers and applause well be right back with america ferrera. applause feel the power of theraflu expressmax. New power. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. . From far away. But they. Honly see his wrinkles. Hes gotta play it cool to seal the deal. Better find a way to smooth things over. If only harry used some. Bounce, to dry. Yeah he would be a less wrinkly, and winning at life. Do i use. One thatsthat wgood for my teeth . Now i dont have to choose from crest 3d white comes new whitening therapy. Its our best whitening technology. Plus, it has a fortifying formula to protect your enamel. Crest. Healthy, beautiful smiles for life. Gives skin the moisture it needs and keeps it there longer with lockin Moisture Technology skin is petal smooth after all, a cleansers just a cleanser unless its olay. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back folks, my first guest tonight is an emmywinning actress and activist who currently stars in the sitcom superstore. Please welcome america ferrera. applause stephen good to see you. Good too see you. Happy new year. Stephen youre one of my most frequent guests. I think this is the fourth time you have been on the show in four years. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Happy new year. Stephen i know this is a very happy new year for you because you made a big announcement on new years eve. Tell the people. I am expecting my first child. cheers and applause stephen thats just great. Thank you. Stephen thats just great. How are you feeling . I feel good i feel really good. You know, aside from a completely sober new years eve, its going well. Stephen you didnt hit the clubs or the phone pit or Bottle Service or any of that stuff. I did not hit the clubs bof, but my dear husband built me a club in the apartment which means he got lights and a fog machine. Stephen seriously, he built you a club . He did. Stephen hold on to this one. I think i will. I was stonecoaled sober so it sort of felt like a junior high Party Everyone else was having a great time. Stephen how quickly did you get them out of the house after midnight . Right after midnight. It was, happy new, im pregnant, goodbye. Stephen first child. Pregnancy is super easy. Youre going to love it laughter . Thank you. Stephen my wife said its just great. I heard. Stephen no problems at all. Except the very last couple of minutes. laughter now, you did something oh, ive got a question for you. I always wanted to ask this. You are about to be a mother, and youve got to name your child. Youre named america yourself. Are you thinking of naming your child would you recommend naming your child after a land mass or idea. Would you want to name your child Something Like america . Im going to go with no. Im going to go with stephen has it been a burden being called america . Look, i love my name now. But growing up with the name america is not easy. And i just i dont want to put that on my child. Because i know what that feels like. So im going to go with something that is more of, like, a name. Stephen sure, sure. Yeah. Stephen stephens a nice name. Steve sen a nice name. Stephen very pretty name. Good on a girl. This is a very, very sweet picture. Here are you with some friends. You peefted this on instagram yesterday. There it is. Theres your babia male or female being inducted into sisterhood of the traveling pants right there. Thats absolutely right. Stephen those are magical pants, right . Blakes wearing the magic pants. Stephen shes wearing the magic pants . Yes. Stephen and im not up on the sisterhood of the traveling pants as i should be. They fit all of you magically. Stephen magically. Would the traveling pants fit you through all nine months of your pregnancy . Do you know what the word magic means, stephen . Yes. Theyre magic they would fit me all times. Stephen speak of magic, who would win aragorn or that guy wants to know. Hes about are those stephen in a fight would willingless or aragorn win. Are those drag glons okay, okay yes, they are. Youre a guest so i will say yes, they are. Have you seen lord of the ringses . Ive seen game of thrones. Stephen okay its like that. Its like that. Stephen its like that, but less, you know, bleep . Which is why i havent seen ti guess. Stephen thats probably why, thats probably why. Thats probably why. I forgot where we were. I apologize. You were part of the metoo campaign. And i helped start something id like to explain called times up. On monday, you and hundreds of other women in hollywood launched this campaign. Tell me what it is about. Its called times up, and its a campaign that was started by, as you say, hundreds of women in the Entertainment Industry who came together to say we have to leverage our resources, our access, our platform to better conditions for women across all industries in the workplace. cheers and applause and its and were staying, you know were saying times up on silence, times up on waiting for things to change, times up on any behavior or culture that makes women less safe in the workplace. Women and people of color and l. G. B. T. Q. People and disabled people and anyone else. It stands for all of us. Stephen well, i understand theres a very practical aspect to it, too. You have raised a tremendous amount of money in a short period of time. We announced the times up Legal Defense fund and its to help men and women across all industries fight their Sexual Harassment cases and weve raised over 14 million. Stephen so if it was a woman so if there was a woman in, say, not quite as a highprofile industry of yours who was facing Sexual Harassment or sexual abuse in the workplace, she could go to an organization that would be funded by this fund so she could have proper legal representations . Yes, she would go to the timesupnow. Com website and search for the resiewrsz women and men, it represents women and men and subsidizes their Legal Defense. Stephen now, were coming up on the First Anniversary of the womens march, the largest single march ever in the United States. cheers and applause all across the United States. Yes. Stephen and if i am not mistaken, you were the opening speaker. I was, yeah. Stephen what an amazing thing to have done. What an honor. It was. Stephen do you think that there would be, times up, that there would be the harve me too movement in response to donald trump, who is a been accused of sexual abuse and Sexual Harassment himself to raise awareness at the beginning of this year and activate people to become more aware of the marginalization and needs and the abuse against women. Metoo was started by terona burke in 2006, before there were hashtags, the work whether me too or the womens march or whats happening right now is cumulative. Its a convergence of so many movementmovements and so much wt builds a foundation, and you never know when the culture is ripe for shifting. You never know when that thing is going to topple that allows for a watershed of women and people to find their voices and say, no more, call b. S. On the silence and the accepting of things the way they are. And thats exactly what this moment is and feels like. And so its all credited. And its all it all builds on itself. And this is a true example of us standing on the shoulders of so many who have come before us. And the goal of times up is not to recreate or even begin the work. We didnt begin the work. Were here to amplify the incredible work thats been done for generations to make people more equal. cheers and applause stephen now, we have to celebrate. Yes. Stephen to thank you for being here for the fourth time and to celebrate your good news, we have a little gift for you. Okay. Stephen we have a little onesie for your for your baby, male or female. And it says. cheers and applause there you go. Oh, my gosh. I love that thank you so much. Stephen thank you so much thank you so much for being here. Superstore returns tomorrow on nbc. America ferrera, everybody well be right back with Stranger ThingsDavid Harbour. Thank you so much. I used to ask if you can hear me now, but i made the smart choice hi, im paul. And switched to sprint. These days all networks are great. 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Make sure that the lives weve lost will not have been lost in vain. Addiction is a disease. When you ask for help, help is there for you. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is nominated for a golden globe for his role as jim hopper in Stranger Things. Were making progress with these people. Friends dont lie. What . You say soon on day 21. You say soon on day 205. You now say soon on day 326 . What is this, youre, like, counting the days now, like youre some kind of prisoner. When is soon . Soon is when its not dangerous anymore. When . I dont know. On day 500 . I dont know. On day 600 . I dont know. Day 700 . On day 800 i dont know oh bleep . Stephen please welcome David Harbour cheers and applause . Wooo thank you stephen good to see you again. Thank you. Nice to see you, too. Stephen we spent a little time with each other after the emmys. I saw you out there. We da couple of losers hanging out. Stephen yeah, you lost . Yeah, i lost. Stephen i lost, too. You lost. You lost in a couple of category s. Stephen three, three categories. Congratulations. We lost in five. Stephen you lost in five . Yeah, yeah. Stephen nobody in Stranger Things won anything . No, not that night. We won it the week before, they call them the shemmies. But the ones televised on television, the big ones where they announce nothing, not a single award. Stephen its rigged, the whole thing is rigged. Its rigged. Fake moos. Fake moos. That was so great eye dont know why i dont know what happened. Stephen they know. They know. applause the thing was. Yes. Stephen and i discussed this with you when i saw you at the party afterwards thank you for coming to that. My pleasure gli thought you won. I didnt know thats why i was invited. Stephen i would come out, like, 30 seconds before we came back from commercial break. As the host, i would come out there and look at the audience and say hi to my wife and kids out there. And every time i looked out, you were sitting next to my wife. Yeah, it was strange, yeah. Stephen yeah, it was strange. Yeah. Stephen you guys were awfully friendly with each other. Shes a lovely person. Big fan of the show. Stephen yes. , she syeah. I didnt have a date that night stephen not when you got there i was solo, and i sat next to your entire family. So i was basically, like, Stephen Colbert for the night. Stephen yeah. So its it was an interesting, you know, situation to be in, like to be stephen id be honored to be played by you. I see it. I totally see it jiervetion a little more bearded than you were and a little gruffer, but i think i played the part well. Youll have to ask your kids. laughter applause ive they dont let me out of the house i know. Stephen i i i said this. I gushed at you that night god that show is so fantastic. I just love Stranger Things so much. Thank you. Stephen youre nominated speak of awards shows youre nominated for a golden globe, i am. Stephen arent you monday on sunday night. Yes, another one ill be happy to lose. Stephen no, no, do you have your acceptance speech ready . Ah, ive thought about it. You know, i love giving speeches. Like, i gave a sort of big, rowdy, passionate one at the saga, wards that people kind of saw. And i dont im thinking about what would i say to, like, top that . Verbally, i dont really know that i could top that. I feel like the only way that i could would be through the power of dance. laughter . Stephen do you have any do you have anything in mind . I know that you i mean, you exemplified some of your skills tonight which were extraordinary. Stephen thank you. I dont know if you know this, but ive become smaf a dance i know youve heard of people like justin timberlake. Stephen i dont know who that is. Novices. Stephen yeah, yeah sure. Novices in the way of dance. Stephen youve studied a little . Its something they did on season two that was very popular. applause . Stephen any chance we could could i could you jon baptiste, do you stephen could you drop a beat . Jon oh, yeah. Oldschool jon oh, yeah. Just look a little bit cheers it basically goes like that. Thats it. Thank you very much stephen its a family show. Oh owwww stephen its a family show. Its a family show. Lets keep it clean, kids. Stephen this is much more important. I know we have to talk about projects but this is the most important thing. Miriam webster dictionary this is a great honor under the entry for bad bod in miriam webster, they put your picture. cheers and applause under dad bod. Congratulations no, congratulations. Thank you. Stephen congratulations. I mean, you know, some people win emmys. Stephen yeah, not us. Some people, you know stephen yeah. A quick question do you have children . I do not have children. laughter stephen you technically cant have a dad bod. You just have a bod. Or youre such an amazing actor, that it goes beyond even having children to this place where whereyou have studied dads so intensely and their bods, that youve Just Incorporated one, you know, like that. So it actually you just jumps over the children part. Stephen yeah. How do you know if youre not how do you know when youve achieved dad bod . I did have a moment, like, years ago. I remember an audition. I i got called to audition for a character in the x men series called the blob right which is a character who controls Gravitational Forces with the stomach, basically. Stephen his mass. Yeah, hes a big dude. And i remember at the end of the audition i made a tape and at the end of the audition i kind of pulled up my shirt a little bit and squeezed my body and said, i have your blob right here. The director was very interested in me, and i met with him, and he said, david, we love you. We think youre wonderful. Youre a wonderful actor. Were just a little worried about your about something. I was like, there are no problems. Lets do this. And he was like, no, its just we saw your stomach at the end and were just worried that youre youre not going to be able to carry this suit and youre just not healthy enough to play the role. And i said, youre saying im too fat to play the blob. Thats when i knew i had a dad bod. I think that was laughter that was stephen youve got a different bod now, because youre going to be the next hell boy. Theres the bod. Thats the bod right now. applause none of that is c. G. I. , right . None of that is c. G. I. , right . Not a single bit, man. I dont know why people complain about fake news. Fake news works in my favor in this. Thats all me. 100 . Stephen good luck on monday. Good luck with the dance. You know youre going to dance. Stranger things is on netflix. David harbour, everybody. The dad bod. Well be right back with a performance by julien baker. singing tenders, riblets singing riblets, tenders. singing thennnnnn riblets singing its applebees singing all you can eat singing with mountains oof french friiiies. singing 12. 99. singing all you can eat. singing at applebees. singintry degree can eat. Ultraclear black white saves your white clothes from yellow stains and black clothes from white marks still with 48 hour sweat protection. Try degree ultraclear black white it wont let you down making a target run after cli need vitamins. Inhale. Im out of yogurt i need protein powder. Ill drive. I need ice cream get low prices, today and every day. Target run done. Weland you look amazinglyes youcomfortable. When your vneck looks more like a uneck. Thats when you know, its halfwashed. Add downy to keep your collars from stretching. Unlike detergent alone, downy conditions to smooth and. Strengthen fibers. So, next time dont halfwash it. Downy and its done. 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And you, honeybear. Awwwww. avo we all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin . My doctor says i havey, whats skittles pox. Are they contagious . I dont think so. Contract the rainbow taste the rainbow ayep, and my teeth are yellow. . Time for whitestrips. Crest glamorous White Whitestrips are the only adaaccepted whitening strips proven to be safe and effective. And they whiten 25x better than a leading whitening toothpaste. Crest. Healthy, beautiful smiles for life. Tha. Oh, burnton gravy . Ie. Gotta rinse that. Nope. No way. Nada. Really . Dish issues . Throw it all in. Cascade platinum powers through even burnton gravy. Nice. Cascade. Stephen my next guest is making her late night debut with the title track from her critically acclaimed album, turn out the lights. Ladies and gentlemen, julien baker cheers and applause theres a hole in the drywall still not fixed i just havent gotten around to it and besides im starting to get used to the gaps so you wish you could find some way to help dont be so hard on myself so why is it easy for everyone else . Im not always like this theres always tomorrow i guess and id never do it but its not a joke i cant tell the difference when im all alone said youre either a dream which is worse can you help me i just wanted to go to sleep when i turn out the lights when i turn out the lights theres no one left between myself and me but when i turn out the lights when i turn out the lights when i turn out the lights theres no one left between myself and me cheers and applause stephen that was beautiful. Thank you. Julien baker, everybody well be right back. Fred would do anything for hiwell fred. Good thing the front of this unicorn washed. The shirt with gain. 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