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Want in on the secret take the olay 28 day challenge. Millions of real women see results starting day 1. There is not a friend i have, that will not own this product visible results or your money back olay. Ageless. Use pantene shampoo together with 3 minute miracle daily conditioner. Their prov formula is like a multivitamin. Making your hair 2x stronger see the difference when you add 3 minute miracle daily conditioner. James we have a brand new Carpool Karaoke with sam smith. Reg, take us home. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org applause comics unleashed with your host byron allen. Tonight hes got jimmy stewart, carla williams. And now the new owner of the brooklyn bridge, byron allen. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Welcome to comics unleashed. Tonight, some very funny people here. Jimmy shubert. [ cheers and applause ] and lisa lampanelli. Oh, my god. I had a rough week. I got googled and blogged. Have you ever had that, man . Thats a violation. Someone was out there googling all over me. This thing google earth, i watched you eat dinner last night, dude. Thats cia stuff. Its all over the place. You can zoom in on anything, jimmy. I watched you at the mall the other day buying a can of gorgonzola wheat water. [ laughter ] have you ever been blogged or googled . No. At the mouth, man. That stuffs weird. I dont like technologys getting crazy. The names theyve got for stuff. I bought a brand new laserjet printer a few months ago. Oh, laserjet, like i could fly around on the thing. Hey, everybody, im up here making copies. Yeah dig this, three weeks ago i paid 99 for the thing, three weeks ago the ink cartridge went out and i had to buy a new one. 700. You just got out of a longterm relationship . Yeah. Its a very sad thing. I actually had a nice fine black boyfriend for three years. Matter of nine and a half years and back. Shut up. [ laughter ] its been a good three years. But actually the guy a year ago dumps me. Do you believe that crap . He says im not feminine. Are you kidding me . Look at me. Im feminine. I like candles. They set my fares on fire. Its hot. Asked me out last week not slurpee, indian, casino indian. I cannot date a guy half black and half native american. Every time we go out dancing it starts to rain. The guys indian name was sitting in jail. [ laughter ] youre just making friends wherever you go. Wow. Did you just get back from performance of the troops . Yeah. I was in afghanistan. It was a great thing to go over there and entertain those guys. What was it like . Its a lot of you know, you fly in helicopter with double propellers, you have apache escort. Im going this is a way to go do a comedy show. Got some backups. It was great. Something i always wanted to do. When i was little i used to take my Green Army Men and run them under the hose and tell them jokes and pretend it was bob hope. [ laughter ] thats great. How are they treating you at Airline Security . Let me tell you what happened. Im getting ready to go on a plane, they pull me and a 70yearold lady out of line. Not supposed to be profiling but an irish guy and chick with the walker and they think were thieves. Me and mrs. Doubtfire are spread eagle against the back wall. [ laughter ] guys like when he comes across my shirt pretty good to hijack a plane with a nail just open the cockpit. I was really short, i put that piggy tail. [ laughter ] oh, man. Im going to grandmothers house. No. I feel sorry for the afghani women, man. These beautiful women, they wrap them up like human burritos, byron. They cant see anything but their eyes. Its like youre dating an owl for god sake. Why dont we get a tent around rosie odonnell. [ laughter ] find out how to be part of our studio audience. Most people think that after an accident, youll have to pay five hundred bucks for your deductible. The truth . At allstate, you could pay zero. Allstate gives you a hundred dollars off your deductible the day you sign up. Then another hundred off every year you dont have an accident. Let the good hands reward your safe driving with a deductible that goes away. Deductible rewards. One more way youre in good hands with allstate. Oneoh, look. Oure in good hands with allstate. Another antiwrinkle cream in no hurry to make anything happen. Neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repair® works in just one week. With the fastest retinol formula available. Its clinically proven to work on fine lines and wrinkles. One week . That definitely works rapid wrinkle repair®. And for dark spots, rapid tone repair. Neutrogena®. See whats possible. Some whitening toothpastes only remove surface stains, but colgate optic white high impact white is different. It has hydrogen peroxide, to whiten four shades for a visibly whiter smile. Trust your smile to colgate optic white. I do saved money on motorcycle insurance with geico. Goin up the country. Later, gary i have a motorcycle wonderful. Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. You dont want anything stopping you from doing what you love. For extra immune support, theres airborne plus betaimmune booster™. The only one made with vitamins and minerals, plus an ingredient proven to boost your natural defenses. Airborne. Mom i dropped my ball. Got it. Ewwww oh eat it lysol kills 99. 9 of bacteria on soft and hard surfaces. One more way youve got what it takes to protect. Welcome back to comics unleashed. I dont. You know whats even worse . I dont like missing kids. You know who never gets snatched . Fat kids. They dont play that. Youll never see a fat kid on that little thing. Have you seen me . Yeah, right there. Oh, okay. You cant snatch a fat kid. They dont have a net. You cant get them. If you do, they just get you with their chin. I hope they all get chunky when theyre 6 or 7 and say, daddy, can we go outside . Say yeah, forever. The fat kids have the best selfdefense mechanism. They just drop. One of these kids with the steel braces on their teeth, what you do is grab a cabbage, walk up and start making coleslaw. You ever do this . You ever see how many onion rings you can stack on your . Better let them cool off before you try that. [ laughter ] youre watching cartoons. Guy who invented scoobydoo died. He was run over by the mystery machine. Can you imagine being at that guys funeral . You know shaggys going to get up and speak, right . Like, ashes to ashes. Like dust to dust. Like though i pass through the valley of death, i will not be afraid. [ laughter ] like are they serving food at this thing or what, scoob . No. Now, you make fun of all types anybody who just doesnt like you . Let me tell you who doesnt like lisa lampanelli. Its the soccer moms. They go, oh, my god, this is so inappropriate. [ laughter ] you travel a lot . Yeah. Ive been traveling a lot. Traveling is just not fun anymore, man. What happened to the flight attendants . They have an attitude now. Dont they have an attitude . You ever ask for the whole can . Lady, did you want a tip for the rest . Give me the whole can . They need to change the buzzer sound thing too. Youve been talking about obesity in america. I read an article about obesity and it scared me. Two out of three people have now become four out of five people. [ laughter ] the thing is im trying to eat healthier myself. Today im having breakfast and had a protein scramble, read the ingredients, an egg omelet with chicken meat in it. Its a chicken omelet. Which is wrong you dont take the eggs out of a chicken and then cook the chicken and put it in the egg. Its too much chicken. [ laughter ] a chicken cereal killer. An omelet has three generations of chicken. Thats a vendetta. [ laughter ] i want the chicken you dip it into your milk. Oh, man. All right. Were going to take a break. Dont go away. To find out how to be part of our studio audience, visit welcome back to comics unleashed. You were told, you never want to do your own home repair, buddy . Okay . I put up four ceiling fans in my house last week. I did all the wiring myself. I turned it on high, my house is flying over greenland. Youre a big baseball fan . Im a huge, huge baseball fan. Yes, i dont know any baseball fans here, especially latin baseball players. I love latin baseball players. Yeah, because they look like me and you. Except they ruin it during the interview. You know, they go, hey, manny, you hit that home run. Howd you feel . I feel good about hitting the home run. Thats you, brad. Thats a home run. I not black. I not black. I say why are we both in handcuffs then . Youre ripping on everybody. You have any repercussions . The audience is fun. The audience gets the jokes. But im afraid god is going to see my act some day. And that hes going to do something and make me not do comedy no more. Like make me blind. It must be cruel to be a blind comic. Id have a little ear piece and the system would say black guy at 2 00 and id be like [ laughter ] wow. I think i see a black man. And the audience would be like how did she know . And id be like because i smell the cocoa butter. [ laughter ] lately, Corporate America starbucks. I mean, how much coffee are people drinking . I mean, you give people directions using starbucks. After starbucks, make a left, go up two starbucks, make a right. Heres the tricky part. Youre going to come to an intersection with starbucks in this corner and starbucks, ill be the coffee bean on the other side of the street. I drink it to wake up in the morning. Im not getting emotionally involved with this stuff. You walk into starbucks, theyre a little nutty. Would you like a smooth with a side. Give me the coffee. Drink it. Its not wine. Its coffee. You should have two lines in a starbucks. One line for people who need coffee. And another line of people ordering milk shakes. [ laughter ] you keeping up with that technology . Im trying to. Im not embracing it necessarily. Traffic was bad before in l. A. But now everybodys texting people and theyre on cell phones. People are driving too fast, now everybodys driving slow. Just drive. Put it down. Drive. Please. For the love of god. I mean, its annoying. You need to calm down. You need a milk shake. [ laughter ] we have to take a break. Well be right back. Dont go away. To find out how to be part of our studio audience, visit comicsunleashed. Com. You dont want anything stopping you from doing what you love. For extra immune support, theres airborne plus betaimmune booster™. The only one made with vitamins and minerals, plus an ingredient proven to boost your natural defenses. Airborne. Wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena i had this chest cold, but my medicine kept wearing off. coughsah hey, chad i missed you. Ah i was in the tree watching you, and then i fell. Im not eating pizza from the trash. Then i discovered mucinex. Huge difference. One pill lasts 12 hours, and im good. Oh, here kitty, kitty. Ah not a cat, not a cat why take 4hour medicine . Just one mucinex lasts 12 hours. Start the relief. Ditch the misery. Lets end this. Jimmys gotten used to his whole yup, hes gone noseblind. Odors. He thinks it smells fine, but his mom smells this. Luckily for all your hardtowash fabrics. Theres febreze fabric refresher. Febreze doesnt just mask, it eliminates odors youve. Gone noseblind to. And try Febreze Unstopables for fabric. With up to twice the fresh scent power, youll want to try it. Again and again and maybe just one more time. Indulge in irresistible freshness. Febreze unstopables. Breathe happy. Youll have to pay five hundred bucks for your deductible. The truth . At allstate, you could pay zero. Allstate gives you a hundred dollars off your deductible the day you sign up. Then another hundred off every year you dont have an accident. Let the good hands reward your safe driving with a deductible that goes away. Deductible rewards. One more way youre in good hands with allstate. One more way youre in good hands with allstate. Some whitening toothpastes only remove surface stains, but colgate optic white high impact white is different. It has hydrogen peroxide, to whiten four shades for a visibly whiter smile. Trust your smile to colgate optic white. I do hey screams ts that . Get out. Dcon bait station. Mice eat the bait. Then they die. Guaranteed. You cant be serious with twizzlers. Youll have to pay five hundred bucks for your deductible. The truth . At allstate, you could pay zero. Allstate gives you a hundred dollars off your deductible the day you sign up. Then another hundred off every year you dont have an accident. Let the good hands reward your safe driving with a deductible that goes away. Deductible rewards. One more way youre in good hands with allstate. Onedelsym helpswhich means, impulse to cough for 12 hours. Youre controlling your cough on your morning commute. And later when youre joking with beth. Even when most cough medicines stop, delsym is still working. Delsym. The 1 12hour cough medicine. All right. Welcome back to comics unleashed. Growing up, what were some of your favorite toys . Favorite toys . Favorite toys . Oh, i liked water gun. Yeah . What . You see these kids with super soakers now. I get jealous when i see super soakers. Theyve got the backpack and the, you know, the water tank. And its cool. I grew up with the whack water gun, the one you get for 99 cents. Pink or green. Thats all you got, right . Then you go to the water fountain, you have to fill it for like two years because the hole is about this long. And if its cracked, its dripping down your arm. And everybodys gone home except the fat kid. That was the reload. That was the reload. That was your favorite toy . That was my favorite toy. What about these women getting Plastic Surgery . I think its disgusting. I think women should like themselves and not to screw with their bodies. Stop the boob implants, the lips, trust me, both of these sag. If i take my bra off, theyll take you both down. I swear. Talking about customer service. Or lack of. You get to pump

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