Shows second anniversary special, featuring stephens favorite moments from the last two years, talking about donald trump and dave chappelle, tom hanks and making out with helen mirren. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hi, im Stephen Colbert. Tonight im celebrating my second anniversary here at the late show. Folks, its been such an honor and a joy to spend these last two years interviewing amazing guests, hearing fantastic music and finding comedic justifications to eat cake frosting straight from the container. Mmm, mmmmm i will think of one eventually. Again, im still in los angeles right now, so i taped all of this a week ago in new york. Want some proof . This is last fridays newspaper. How could i possibly have a newspaper from the past if i wasnt there right now . And tonight, im taking a look back at some of my favorite moments from my first two years here at the shoavment i cant wait to see how much hope i had in my eyes before election day. A lot of the show happens right here. Boy, if this desk could talk, it would probably say, stephen sits here and talks to celebrities over me. Its a desk. Its kind of boring. Thats why i dont interview the desk. Jim . This is the first thing. Even oprah can make this sound exciting. You flight has been canceled applause stephen nice. The lasting effects of Climate Change are irreversible . We launched a beauty line called honest beauty. Were in you willta beauty stores. Stephen what do we have here. Sea salt spray. Stephen is that tasty . No, no, dont put it in your mouth not supposed to put it in your mouth stephen thats really salty. Want some . No. Stephen come on, i had some. No, no, no stephen its delicious. By the way stephen you could put this on popcorn. No, you cant. Stephen jessica alba says you can put it on popcorn no stephen he fights a lot of people but he also has a lot of babes. Do you do your own stunts in that direction, too . laughter applause im going to punch you. This is a 60yearold mans punch. Stephen do i get to punch you back or is this a onesided thing. How old are you . Stephen a frail 52. Do what you need to. All right, im going to lean into it. Stephen lean into it, baby. Im going to rear back. Ready . laughter can i kick you as well . Stephen yes. laughter where shall i go . Frankly oh, my god. laughter i dont give a laughter applause i want the truth laughter you cant handle the gagging i see you and i see your bull bleep i see it cheers and applause know what . applause were live. laughter applause stephen you hosted snl i think the week after trump was elected. Is that true . The timing right there about that . Yeah, it was the saturday before that tuesday. Stephen you said at the time weve got to give this guy a chance. Which i agree with. Especially right, this is very true. Stephen so now were seven, eight months in. How do you feel about the chances hes been given . Do you still want to give him a chaps or have you given him all the chances hes going to get . Its not like i wanted to give him a chance that night laughter stephen no, im not criticizing you said that. I think its a really good impulse, but how do you feel about the guy now . You know, listen, man. In the last six months, i think were all getting an education about the presidency. I dont know that ive ever heard in popular discourse people discussing ethics this much and i didnt realize even how ethics were supposed to work at that level of government and hes putting all that stuff on the forefront. Stephen nobody likely talks about oxygen till somebodys got their hands around your throat. laughter stephen you directed yourself. Could you help me out . I started off as an actor back in the day. Okay. Stephen the first line is im the doctor, lost the patient, youre the family. Im sorry, we did everything we could. So youre coming out to give us the bad news . Stephen im in the scrubs, the blood, everything, like this. So you came out as if you just told us that our hamster died. You have to show a little more empty. Stephen show a little more, all right . Yeah. Stephen laughter now youre overacting. Stephen i havent even started acting yet. What are you talking about . You havent given me a chance laughter stephen you said hes trying to suck his own bleep okay . cheers and applause are you allowed to say it. Stephen its cool, they said i could say it tonight. Sorry, mom, about that. They picked up on a recorded line. Stephen i said suck. Heres the deal. Are you telling us you never even tried . No, im not capable of doing it. Lets put it that way. Stephen no one said you succeeded. Hes probably not capable of doing it either. Maybe hes doing hot yoga in there. laughter stephen do you do an impression of your husband . We all three have impressions of barack. Stephen would you mind sharing . Its usually at the dinner table. Malia will start it because she asks the serious question, dad, tell us about your day, and what about that conversation on Global Warming . And sasha and i are, like, oh, god, dont get him started and hes like, well, um, im glad you asked that. Let me just, um let me just answer that in three points. One and one one a, one b and sasha and i are, like, oh i guess you could do this interview without me, then, couldnt you. Interview . Yeah, i probably could. Bye. What . Bye. cheering bye. Bye. cheers and applause Stephen Ryan Ryan ryan ryan please ryan, ryan do something just look laughter applause stephen congressman, thank you so much. Thank you very much. Stephen want to walk out into the crowd with me . Yes. Stephen lets do it. band playing cheers and applause stephen when we come back ill show you why i have a restraining order against helen mirren. With advil, youll ask what twisted ankle . What muscle strain . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. Directv has been rated 1 in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. But some people still like cable. Just like some people like banging their head on a low ceiling. Drinking spoiled milk. Camping in poison ivy. Getting a papercut. And having their arm trapped in a vending machine. But for everyone else, theres directv. For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable switch to directv. Call 1800directv. The world is not flat. You cant just pinch it, swipe it, or scroll it. Sure, youve seen the mediterranean. But have you . How warm is brazil in february . What color is dusk in San Francisco . Theres a whole world out there and no other card lets you experience it like the platinum card. Backed by the service and security of american express. Not for me, for you. Aveeno® positively radiant 60 second inshower facial. Works with steam to reveal glowing skin in just one minute. Aveeno® naturally beautiful results® get on up, mama. Get on up. Do what you want. Do you want, let the record hop. Degree motionsense. Ultimate freshness. With every move. The more you move, the more it works. Degree, it wont let you down. Thats the new rockstar. All jeans on sale, up to fifty percent off. No time to spare stephen oh, hi. Welcome back to our second anniversary special. One of the perks of this job besides the 5 discount at all long john silvers participating locations is i get to meet celebrities. Another perk is that i get to taste what brand of toothpaste they use. cheers and applause band playing well, tyler, i want to point out that when you came out here you just touched me on the butt. No, i didnt. Stephen you just did. You have no proof. Stephen what do you mean. Youre a lier. Stephen if we work together, i have to report you to h. R. If thats unwelcomed contact. If hes lying make some noise cheering stephen thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Stephen its absolute pleasure to meet you. cheers and applause band playing youre very comfortable with kissing other men many. I mean, i dont even understand the question. Stephen me either. Not everybody is but im totally comfortable with it, too. All right. Stephen i just want you to know, at any point during this cheers and applause what were we talking about . laughter band playing cheering stephen im here. You are my father you are my father stephen you are my mother. crying cheering i got magical powers. Stephen okay. You know, so he had a long conversation with me. He had a long conversation with me. Stephen i think you have a tiffany hattish problem now. Wow, youre amazing. What a joy just to sit next to you. Its even more of a you if you get t get to know me better. applause stephen first you lead then you bleed then when youre on your knees thats what you get for falling in rove. Stephen you get a little but its never enough. Thats what you get for falling in love. Stephen now, this boys addicted. cheers and applause laughter stephen youre a good actor. Thats right. Stephen after the break, alec baldwin explains his trump impression. Its pretty good. Stick around. Does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. 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Tap one little bumper and up go your rates. What good is having insurance if you get punished for using it . For drivers with accident forgiveness, Liberty Mutual wont raise your rates due to your first accident. Liberty mutual insurance. Youbusted tail. Rd. And impressed the boss. Maybe, its time to be your own. Transform your career with strayer universitys mba program today. Lets get it, america. band playing stephen hi, there. Welcome back to our second anniversary special. Folks, literally the entire run of this show the big news story has been donald trump. In fact, i did my First Impression of donald trump online before we even went on the airport we rushed to get that on the internet because everybody thought his campaign wouldnt last till september of 2015. Its funny because nothing he says is true. Well, now everybody does a trump impression. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but i dont believe that because the people who imitate donald trump clearly cannot stand the guy. Whats your hook . Whats the thing you have to do . The face, hair, hands . Its totally a caricature. You pick a few things. Im sitting in the room, left eyebrow up, right eyebrow down, shove your face up like youre trying to suck the chrome off the fender of a car cheers and applause trump pitches forward so when he stands, he stands like this. He has no center of gravity. laughter thats why hes always leaning on people. So he leans like this, and then you have to accentuate the mouth, bring the mouth forward, and then bring in the arms. This is the key. The arms now do the whole thing. Were doing so well, so unbelievable. cheers and applause north korea, best not make any more threats to the united states. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen. They have been very threatening beyond a normal statement. And as i said, they will be met with fire, fury and, frankly, power, the likes of which this world has never seen before. Thank you. Thank you. Stephen amazing. Mr. Cartoon trump, how do you respond to Anderson Cooper compare you to a 5yearold . Anderson coopers a dumb dumb. Hes a stupidhead, a total poopy pants. Stephen i have to say right now you are sounding a little immature. I know you are, but what am i . Stephen you sound like an idiot. Stephen, im rubber, youre glue, i have a lawyer and i will sue. The Fake News Media has never been so wrong or so dirty incorrect stories and phony sources to meet their agenda of hate sad. cheers and applause stephen trump says well win and keep on winning until we dont want to win anymore. It might be good for you. It will be good for me. Stephen heres a picture of you right here. Okay, got it. Stephen and heres mrs. Trump. Yeah. Stephen right there. Im going to have a second career as an impersonator. applause stephen laughter can you imagine needing to work out that impression because Melania Trump actually became the first lady . Roll it live via satellite from the white house please welcome Melania Trump cheers and applause well, youre arriving at the white house at a very dramatic time. After james comeys testimony last week, some people are talking about impeachment. They are . i mean, they shouldnt say such things, stephen. America took a vow and donald trump is our president. For better or worse, for richer or even richer. In sickness and in no healthcare. And we must honor that no matter how often america fantasizes about being with justin trudeau. laughter stephen next up, brad pittt and i lie on a blanket. [l vwho can turn the worldan jeton with her smile . S who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile . Well its you girl, and you should know it. 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I should take a closer look at geico. Geico can help with way more than car insurance. Boats, homes, motorcycles. Even umbrella coverage. This guys gonna wish he brought his umbrella. Fire at will howd you know the guys name is will . Yeah . Its an expression, ya know . Fire at will . You never heard of that . Oh, there goes will bye, will thats not his name take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. band playing stephen oh, hi. And welcome back to the late show second anniversary special. I always love doing comedy bits with my guests. Stephen colberts midnight confessions on sale now. You will find it wherever they accept money for things. Jim . Name . Bond. James bond. cheers and applause stephen i dont have that. laughter could it be under another name . laughter givemanyacar. Give me a car. cheers and applause stephen sir sir sir sir i understand youre in a hurry. I understand. We have to pay for our own vests, if you dont mind. laughter cheers and applause zoltar, i finally found you again well, come on, Zoltar Zoltar yes yes oh, jeez laughter yes, the allknowing zoltar remembers you well. I want to say tim something . laughter tom. Tom. Tom hanks. Stephen yes. We worked on that movie together, the santa claus. No, it was big. Stephen right. cheers and applause hello, sweetheart. Stephen i usually say champ. Well, you dont mind if i call you sweetheart, do you, honey bunch . Listen, we know there is a lot of uncertainty in your life right now. Things are changing. There is strange hair in places you never expected. Like the oval office. laughter but we just want to tell you that everything is going to be okay. Stephen yeah, we really want to tell you that but we cant. Nope. Stephen sorry. But this helps. cheers and applause stephen its donald trump. laughter what . stephen yep. The guy from the apprentice . Stephen yep. I guess you do your own stunts then. laughter i mean, with all due respect, i find that hard to believe. applause come out from behind the desk. audience reacts hands in pockets, buddy. Stephen you want to go . Its already begun. laughter oh stephen thats what im talking bout, willis crashing sounds laughter stephen im gluten free you son of a pitch laughter applause are you not entertained . Stephen donald trump what . stephen yes. You get out of my way laughter stephen you play rose, ill play jack. The titanic has gone down and we float in the north atlantic clinging to our lives and our love. laughter lets get a little wet. Okay. Its freezing stephen were drowning, its freezing cold. Get in character. All right. All right. And act. I cant feel my body. laughter stephen winning that ticket, rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me. It brought me to you, and im thankful for that, rose. Im thankful. You must do me this honor, you must promise me that you will survive, that you wont give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless promise me now, rose, and never let go of that promise. I promise laughter stephen never let go ill never let go, jack ill never let go jack . applause jack cheers and applause hey, bradford . Yes, steveareno. Stephen do you think beauty is only skin deep . I dont know. Ive never taken my skin off. laughter what do you think oprahs doing right now. Stephen probably talking to gayle in their secret language. laughter applause will, are you an introvert or an extrovert . Um, that depends on how cold the water is. laughter five minutes to show time, people oh, my god quick you get me footage of an old lady slipping on ice. One frozen granny fanny coming up. As steve carell always says. Yeah, always says that. Give me three puns about Donald Rumsfelds penis. Shalonal. No wonder we win emmys. All right. Stephen what about me, john, what do i do . Stephen, i guess just arch your eyebrow or something, makes people think youre smart. Stephen got it. laughter want to see something spooky . Yeah. Oh dont do that its not funny stephen hey, ow ow cheers and applause stephen when i grow up, im going to be president so ill have the secret service stop you from doing that to me. Hello. Stephen im randy. Im the office manager. Hello, randy. Stephen this is going to go very well. Are you intending on helping me sharpen my skills when i go in for an interview, is that your intention here. Stephen its what i do for a living. Okay. Stephen were here to find out what youre going to do for a living. Okay. Stephen 55, tough time to start over for a man. laughter doesnt say here. Where were you born . Really . Stephen i is this the longest form of this resume available . Why dont we move on. laughter stephen do you have any awards or commendations . Well, i have almost 30 honorary degrees and i did get the nobel peace prize. Stephen oh, really . What was that for . To be honest, i still dont know. Stephen next, steve carell know. Stephen next, steve carell takes me to prom. Vey probiotics, endless fiber it could be wearing on you. Tell your doctor what youve tried, and how long youve been at it. Linzess works differently from laxatives. Linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation or chronic constipation. It can help relieve your belly pain and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. Do not give linzess to children less than six and it should not be given to children six to less than eighteen. It may harm them. Dont take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. Get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools. The most common side effect is diarrhea, sometimes severe. If its severe, stop taking linzess and call your doctor right away. Other side effects include gas, stomacharea pain and swelling. 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Bank human™. 60 of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. piano playing stephen hi, welcome back to our second anniversary special. Weve had legends, bruce springsteen, paul simons, mabel staples. But a lot of them were missing something turned out to be me. Jim . John, do you know anything from fidler . Yeah, what about the piano music match maker match maker make me a match find me a find catch me a catch humming line . And make me a Perfect Match cheers and applause for me, well, i wouldnt holler if he were as handsome as anything singing life is gonna be a wow, wowwee for my shadow and me cheers and applause hello lamp post nice to see ya we might get bombed by north korea were getting close to world war iii so run for the shelters feeling groovy badadadadada feeling groovy Wells Fargo Arena cheesecake jamboree where your mind can be set free miss power girl will change the world if donors all agree well, thats one way to wiggle but listen up close, theres a different kind of wiggle that i dig the most. You just stretch your back wings an make them clap and dont forget to do the skeleton clap mak stick my face in the candy bowl, turn you around like a hershey my kind of america u. S. A. My kind of america freedom made et that way dance with me i want to be your partner cant you see the music is just starting night is calling and i am falling dance with me let it lift you off the ground starry eyes and love is all around you night is calling and i am falling dance with me. Wacky hats crazy ties worn but thousands of white guys an entire airplane hanger filled with Donald Trumps exwives well see knew the, ron and rand,. Maybe members of the klan but no muslims or latinos because i think theyve all been banned im john freaking adams i know where we signed from boston to carolina rap music ist a mystery why youre pissed at me but gwyneth will make history. Dont you forget tell em my name whats my name . Two best friends singing a song two best friends always get along my friend is fun like Christmas Eve my friends a pal i can always believe in thats why i love my best friend steve thats why i love my best friend gary two friends stephen wait, wait, steve, whos gary . Hes my best friend. I have been singing about him this whole time just like you have been singing about your best friend steve. gasps laughter its the end of the year as we know it its the end of the year as we know it its the end of the year as we know it and i feel fine its the end of the year as we know it its the end of the year as we know it its the end of the year as we know it and i feel fine cheers and applause stephen after the break, i spent the day with a putin connected russian oligarch. Stick around to find out if im murdered. Ultimate freshness. With every move. The more you move, the more it works. Degree, it wont let you down. Buy the galaxy note8 and choose free accessories up to 229. When you ache and havent youre not you. Tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. We give you a better night. Youre a better you all day. Tylenol®. When this guy got a flat tire in the middle of the night, so he got home safe. Yeah, my dad says our insurance doesnt have that. What . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. The best. Der. The sclass has sat at the pinnacle of automotive excellence for generations. The one car that continually innovates and pushes technology forward. On each sclass, there lies a simple badge. And it serves as our constant reminder, to never rest on laurels, and to forever earn the star. This is the 2018 sclass from mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Stephen you may have noticed im not in the theater for this intro. I am what we industry insiders call in the field and what normal people callout side. Thats because while i love doing bits and talking to celebrities in the ed sullivan theater, sometimes i just want to dress up like an average guy and talk to real ordinary folks, folks like astronauts and billionaire russian oligarchs. Jim . Julie gross master practitioner of the myersbriggs personality assessment dropped by my office to administer the test. What if we find out i dont have a personality . laughter it is simply not possible to have no personality. Stephen have you ever met ryan secrest . No. applause are you more attracted to a person with a quick and brilliant mind or a practical person with a lot of common sense . Stephen im flattered but im in a relationship right now, thank you. applause im not going to say im not feeling it, too, but lets be professional about this, julie. What was the question . I got lost in your teeth there for a second. laughter you guys say light this cannedle . We never say that. Stephen if i said lets light this candle, would you know what i mean . I would know exactly what you mean but the cooler astronauts dont say that. Stephen whats the cool thing to say . Ready to fly. Stephen ready to fly . Ready to fly . Stephen lets light this candle. Stephen you bring the beef, ill bring the buns. Hot dog joke. Thats all ive got. Ive driven away everyone who ever loved me. Stephen stephen its show team. Its show time. cheers and applause hello. Join me, wont you . In the bedroom of the president ial suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in moscow. When youre in this room i dont know how to describe it. Its soaked in history. It just it just washes over you. I mean, its not even like its in the past. Youre in history. Youre in it. You know what im saying . laughter stephen the one thing left to do was the one thing democrats real will didnt want me to do, mount the podium where hillary would be crowned. Podium pass. Stephen i have a podium pass. Oh. Stephen thank you very much. Ill leave if you let the weasel on. What could the weasel hurt . What so proudly we hail at the twilights last gleaming whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight over the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming can i pull his teeth . Stephen yes. If you said no, you would never leave the country. Stephen thats hilarious . laughter an oligarch, you need to have balance. Stephen yes. And for the balance, an oligarch balance, you need both. Stephen those i have, my friend. This is cool. Stephen this is like dr. Seuss sex dungeon. laughter applause okay, when youre done talking and made them happy and say goodbye, you might want to say happy thanksgiving. Stephen is it more important to have a happy beginning of the phone call or a happy ending . All the way through. Stephen all the way through . Keep it happy, informative. When youre done, see the black button . Thats going to get release and stephen the release is right there . Right. Stephen after the happy ending, i hit the black button for the full release . Thats right. Stephen thank you. Stephen do you know who i am . Yeah, i know you. Stephen who am i . Yeah, i know. Stephen who am i . Youre a very cool guy from u. S. A. Stephen do you know my name . Jimmy colbert . laughter stephen i know you have white balls on your ep let there and these on my shoulders. What are these for . These are black tracks, basically a computerized spotlight. Wherever you move, theyll narrowly you. laughter stephen so i became Tax Professional otto i snuck into the h. R. Block undetected. Do you mind if i make duplicates . No. Stephen thank you very much. laughter what . laughter cheers and applause stephen on behalf of myself and the entire amazing staff and crew here at the late show, thank you so much for watching these past two years. Tonight is our 407th episode. You know what they say . You always remember your 407t 407th. Though i wont because, again, im not here. Im in los angeles. This is a pretape. Tune in tomorrow when i will be joined by Hillary Rodham clinton, yeah, that one. Well be talking about her new book and, who knows, maybe my new book. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun put stuff in your mouth. What could be sweet. Its the late, late show. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside the gravef