Ooh this one, jay picked it up for you himself. He did . paper ripping hey, dad. So, whats going on with that hat . Gloria thinks i look grumpy in the photos that we take when we go to these things, so im searching for the right hat that makes me look like im having fun. Or you could just smile more. Eh. Wow the sommeliers guide to the wines of france. Claire ooh i love it so much. Nice oh, my goodness. Its inscribed. gasps may you continue to age as gracefully as a fine bordeaux. Dad. Happy birthday, jay. Love, cam. Cam. Yeah. Jay, you regifted my gift . Dad i didnt know he wrote in it. Because you didnt open it. So now i feel like a jerk. How could you be a jerk . Youre wearing that hat. A year from now, im gonna know what that means. I got gloria the greatest valentines day gift a box set of dvds of all the dean martin roasts. I was so moved by the romantic gesture that for jays birthday, i invited a bunch of people over to insult him. laughter shorty so, my exwife and i, we were on vacation with jay and gloria. Theyre walking down the beach, and my exwife says, whoa, look at all that skin. And i said, baby, come on. Whats wrong with that . Shes a beautiful woman in a bikini. She said, oh, im talkin about jays scalp. laughter jay is so not latin that every time that he dances, people point him to the bathroom. laughter he has no rhythm. Thats what i mean. But seriously, i love the whites. No, but seriously, jay is quite the environmentalist. Just this last year, he recycled a gift of mine a wonderful book about wine. laughs, whimpers clears throat ii dont want to say my father is old, but he remembers panicking at y1k. laughter my dad is old. Together how old is he . Hes so old that when he started using it, it was called preparation g. laughter enough this is terrible i dont know why any of you people think this is funny you may think these are jokes, but its way too real. We need to respect grandpa instead of cutting him down. None of us really knows how much time he has left. Do you really want these to be the last words he hears . Well, now i feel like hell. And thats how you roast bam laughter and applause i dont understand why adults make such a big deal about their birthdays. So this year, i asked for nothing. No party, no fuss. Just a quiet night by myself, with my thoughts, all alone. crickets chirping okay. Just as i had hoped, mitchell is miserable. He said he didnt want a party, but its like when you write no gifts on an invitation but you secretly want everyone to bring Something Big and expensive, jotham. I made a heartfelt toast at your party. Yes, and those 12 words were just as generous as the actual physical gifts everyone else brought. Okay, im gonna go in. When you hear me say mitchell, youre not alone, thats when you come in and you yell surprise. We know what to say. Mm. Do you . chuckles hey how you doing . Okay . Yeah. Now do you see what its like to spend your birthday alone . sighs i do. And its. Yeah. Amazing. What . Cam, thank you. Thank you. For once, you heard me and gave me exactly what i wanted instead of what you thought i should want. Honey, this is the best birthday present ever. It is . Yes oh, and youve youve got to be relieved, too. I mean, every time we hang out with our friends, they leave and you spend the rest of the night complaining about how every single one of them annoys you. I dont know what youre talking about oh, please. Jothams cheap. Lmichael has bad breath. That doesnt sound like me antonios weave is falling apart. Vincents a sloppy drunk. Oh, oh, jeffrey wont stop telling his one Bernadette Peters story. Youre the sloppy drunk surprise heres a thing i realized you cant get older if you never have birthdays. Happy birth whatd i tell you . I thought this would be the year. I told my family i just wanted my birthday to be me and dylan this year because at the time, i was still keeping my pregnancy a secret, and i knew theyd get all suspicious about why i wasnt drinking. What was i going to say . I cant drink because i have work in the morning . laughs theres no way theyd believe that. Here. I got you a present. Ooh thank you gasps get out gucci baby sneakers laughs theyre adorable. crying our babys gonna be so hot. Personally, i think its weird that there are shoes for someone who cant walk. But you know what, haley . I love that were pregnannnt hello hi what are you guys doing here . At the restaurant . We got a we got a groupon, but we us too. Yeah, we j we just saw that you were over here. Wanted to say happy birthday. Happy birthday. Didnt mean to overhear. You didnt overhear anything. We were talking about a tv show. Oh, well, then, whats whats up with these little baby shoes, then . These are these are not baby shoes. Oh. No, theyre, um. We are starting a business for people who cannot afford fullsize designer wear. Oh. Well, as much as that does sound like you, i mm. Okay. Im pregnant. gasping oh, my god. whispering thats exciting is it . We think so. But we have not told my parents yet, so please dont say anything. Oh, honey, i could keep your secret forever, but just so you know, he cant. Yeah, im weak. Yeah, you got maybe three, four days tops. laughs nervously what . Yeah. Oh. Okay. Well, these were from us, but. Yeah, she cant have it. Shes pregnant. Okay, there you go. See . Now, you listen to me. My rollercoastering hormones cannot handle another lecture from my mother right now, so you are going to tell me a secret that i will reveal to everyone if you ever spill mine yeah, but i dont have any secrets. Mm . whispering uh, when he dresses as fizbo, he puts the makeup everywhere. Mm. Youre the best. giggles mmhmm. Still a father. But now a friend. Still an electric car. Just more electrifying. Still a night out. But everything fits in. Still hard work. Just a little easier. Still a legend. Just more legendary. Chevrolet. Making lifes journey, just better. Making lifes journey, someone just got her period. What size do you need . Wait theres more than one size . Yes your flow changes and so should the size of your tampax. Huh. Only tampax has 5 sizes. If it hurts to remove, go down. If it leaks, go up. Ill take a regular for today and for tomorrow a super. Nice tampax the only tampon with a leakguard braid to help give you more leakfree periods. Time to tampax . Whats your combo . Our most advanced formularonamel repair. Helps you brush in Vital Minerals to actively repair and strengthen enamel. So you dont just brush to clean, you brush to build. Pronamel intensive enamel repair. Crunchy oat clusters with a hotouch of honey. Ombine. Plump, juicy raisins. And tasty fiber. Into one delicious cereal . It took a lot of branstorming. Get it . Kelloggs raisin bran crunch. Two scoops of delicious. If i could, baby id how can i, when you wont take it from me you can go your own way go your own way your wireless. Your rules. Only with xfinity mobile. But i cant say i expected this. Because it was easy. To fight these fires, we need funding plain and simple. For this crisis, and for the next one. Prop 15 closes tax loopholes so rich corporations pay their fair share of taxes. So firefighters like me, have what we need to do the job, and to do it right. The big corporations want to keep their tax loopholes. Its what they do. Well, i do what i do. If yould like to help, join me and vote yes on prop 15. Is it the juicy 100 allwhite meat . Or because you can spice them up or cool them down . Or because a little birdie told me you wanted them back really bad. Get my spicy chicken strips combo for only 5. 99. He whole 21 thing, get my spicy chicken strips combo people dont think turning 20 is a big deal. But its all ive been thinking about for the last three years. rock music playing, needle buzzing hey. Three years ago, i came in here, and when i saw you, i fell in love. The kind of love that punches you in the gut and makes you wanna be a better man. But when i asked you out, you said, sorry, kid. Youre cute, but i dont date teenagers. Well. Check it out. Oh happy birthday but now i dont date men. Oh. Well. Looks like ive got a decision to make. On my birthday this year, i really got a sense of what people think of me. Which is. So great. This is from me and the boys. Gloria got you her own gift. Wow, this is wrapped so nicely i did that. Its a lost art in this modern age where people simply click and ship gifts over the internet. Papi, just be normal. Lets see. It is, uh. Some kind of silk pillow . Well, its more than that. See, theres a switch on the side, and when you lay on it, it it plays ocean sounds for you. You know, iit helps you relax. Huh. At least its not a regift. How do you live with this . I. inhales sharply tell you what. How about we do one more gift, and then we take a break for cake and do the rest after . Yeah. Hmm . Here, mrs. Dunphy. This is from me and haley. Mm, thank you, dylan. Although i have to say, you have given me enough gifts this year already. Again, im very sorry about impregnating your daughter. Yeah. clears throat what is this . Its an aromatherapy machine. See, you put in oils that are supposed to help you with the stress of the day. Oh alright, well. Lets see. So far, i have gotten a spa day, three massages, a meditation class, an ocean pillow, a rage bat, and a Little Machine thats supposed to trick my nose into calming me down. Why does everyone think im so tense . You bit through your night guard. Youre squeezing me too hard. And last week, you made the pharmacist cry. Thats because he wouldnt sell me any more sudafed. The entire family was sick. I was not cooking meth. You know what . I dont even want cake. I really dont appreciate being criticized like this, especially on my birthday. motor buzzing um, thats my gift. Open later. Manny and i share a birthday, so i always do Something Big to get attention. Look no hands way to go, kid bravo, papi hey, guys check it out. Unicycling to my piano lesson. Wow were so proud of you now, thats impressive. Happy birthday, joe it was it goes without saying im the best performer in the family. This year, for my birthday, i decided to have a talent show so they all start saying it. Wait. Its a talent show . Ii didnt know that. It said so on the invitation. Cam mitchell . I only skimmed it. This is a disaster. We didnt prepare anything nothing could be finer than to be in carolina in the morning no one could be sweeter than my sweetie. I cant believe they had matching vests in their car. beethovens fur elise plays slowly offkey notes play i knew i wasnt ready naahaah butterflies all flutter up aahaah and kiss each little buttercup. Stella, walk in a circle. Stella, sit. Bang ohh. Ah. Close, dad. No, i taught her to go for the gun. He was a threetoed tree toad, but a twotoed toad was she. The threetoed tree toad tried to win the twotoed shetoads heart, for the threetoed tree toad loved the ground that the twotoed tree toad trod. Tree toad trod. And sent. cellphone bloops cellphones ding, chime ohh whoa ay stop it fastest thumbs in the west blows, laughs if i had aladdins lamp for only a day i would make a wish, and heres what id say nothing could be finer than to be in carolina in the mooorniiing as you all know, sherry and i met and fell for each other over our love of improv. So, were at a romantic restaurant. Okay. chair thuds sighs that dinner was delicious. I cant believe you chose this place. The chef is my exboyfriend. The crazy one . Yes. Hes very jealous, and im scared he did something to your food. I am feeling a little funny. I wish this were a little funny. Whew iis this room spinning . I no. I was afraid of that. Well, then i better do this before its too late. And this part is real. Sherry shaker, i used to be a oneman show, and then you entered from stage left, and i fell in love. I want you to be my scene partner forever. Darling, lets force our friends to sit through the rest of our lives together. gasps will you marry me . whispering oh, my god. exhales sharply manny no why would you do this . you gotta be feeling better about that piano. chuckles door opens, closes come on lets hide in the attic. No. In the basement. Why cant we just get in the running car . Are you crazy . Lets hide behind the chainsaws. Smart. Yeah. Ok. If youre in a horror movie, you make poor decisions. Its what you do. This was a good idea. Shhhh. Im being quiet. Youre breathing on me if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Lets go to the cemetery will be right back. To put on me about having hiv isnt gonna fit. Thats for sure. My name is zach and im on biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment. Used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure but with one small. Pill, biktarvy fights hiv. To help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding. Or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv. Keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. R. Keep loving who you are. Happy birthday, dear lily happy birthday to you crying i still cant believe sherry said no and broke up with me. whispering what does he expect . Hes 20 years old. He proposed in front of his family at a pretend restaurant. Whatever happened to yes and . Gloria quietly jay, ive tried everything. Please Say Something to him that will make him feel better. Fine. Kid, let it go. It was four days ago. Alright, lets make a wish i wish i were dead. blows alright. There we go. Haley and i have had this plan for years that when i turn 21, wed hit the bars together. But since shes pregnant, i was drinking for two. Technically, four. Lemme tell you something, haley dunphy. Do you know how much i admire you . laughs do you . So much while i was working my butt off, you were out there having fun not worrying about anything not school, not work. laughing not condoms. Look at you all preganant. chuckles maybe i should have bill come get me pregnant. Ooh. Then we can be pregnant together that would be fun wheres my phone . Im gonna text him to come get me pregnant. You know what . Its 2000something. Im gonna get him pregnant i miss drinking. Unlike some people, i love my birthday. Its the one day a year that can be all about me. scoffs, chuckles indistinct conversations oh, yeah. Um, um so, um, i thought it would be fun if we all went around the room and say what we love about cam. Oh yeah. Well, thats out of nowhere, but if you insist. Haley, why dont you go first . Oh, me . Okay. Well, um. I love uncle cam because he is fun and dresses with flair. chuckles oh, my gosh. chuckles and, uh, i love that he makes my uncle mitchell happy. Aww ohh oh, also, i love that you guys were the first ones to find out i was pregnant and you never judged me. Wait a minute. What are you talking about . I thought we all found out at the same time. Oh, uh. Well. Mitchell, you knew she was pregnant and you didnt tell me . I didnt think it was my place. Anyway, whos next . What i love about cam is. I just wish you would have my back just once. I dont think shes been using my gift. Happy birthday to cam, happy stop. Drop it. Welcome to my world. At my birthday, all anyone cared about was weepy manny cause sherry broke up with him. crying she has a boyfriend now. Way to go, lily. Way to go sighs vivaldis four seasons plays how old are you . I turn 51 in, uh. This many days. Ugh. My dad had a midlife crisis, too. I have a hamster at his condo. No. Nno midlife crisis. I just think youre youre never too old to learn. Just stay away from my mom. She has a thing for losers. breathing quickly are you okay . Should we take you to the hospital . Yeah, the contractions are getting closer together. No. Dad is next. I can hold it for a few minutes, okay . I dont want to screw this up for him. groans song ends cheers and applause yikes. Hate to follow that. What are you gonna dazzle us with . Fur elise. In which key b obvious . Next up, the only student of mine who shaves. chuckles phillip dunphy. applause breathing quickly phil clears throat um. bench squeaks when i turned 50, i vowed to do some things to take me out of my comfort zone and keep me on my toes, and i want to thank my family for being my biggest cheerleaders. Haley oooaah i love you, too, honey. No, haleys going into labor weve got to get her to the hospital, honey phil oh i tried to hold it im sorry, dad oh, my god. Im so sorry, everyone convenient. beethovens fur elise plays quickly song ends cheers and applause yes great come on great work, honey. Tell your mom i say hi. cheers and applause continue indistinct talking over p. A. dylan is everything okay . sighs no. Everythings amazing. Why would you say it that way . Haleys fine. She was so brave. And the babies are great i cant wait to see them as soon as theyre done getting checked out. Im gonna go get them now. Wait, wait. What about the sex . Doctor says not for six weeks. Jay is this the dunphy suite . laughter oh, hows the mommy . Hand sanitizer, everyone. Here you go. How you doing, kiddo . A little tired. I overdid it last night. chuckling i dont think he was talking to you, buddy. Its overwhelming. Just feeling so many different emotions. Im also doing great. I have a son and a daughter, and once they washed them off, they were really cute. Gloria aww oh, what are their names . Were gonna put a pin in that until the drugs wear off. Nobody needs grandchildren named pixar and coachella. Ooh. Phil, this is for you. Its a. Little early birthday present. And i admit, this one is a regift. Worlds best grandfather. Claire gasps its the mug i gave you when haley was born. You kept it all these years. Yeah. But, uh. Its yours now. I dont need it anymore. I got a new title. Great grandma . Oh, hell. I grabbed the wrong one. Here. Im going to count to three. Yeah. Hey, how was your recital, phil . Oh, i messed it all up for him. Sorry about that, dad. Ii know that was your big goal for the year. I have a better one now. Mi ano fue hermoso. My year was beautiful. Claire mm. Ano means year. Ano means anus. Still works. Hey, everybody. gasps ay, where are the babies . I want to see them. Theres no easy way to say this. Mitch and cam have a whole thing they want to do. Oh, god. Its worse than i thought. Nants ingonyama bagithi baba oh, my god i love it so much laughter its the circle of life i cant believe they had matching robes in their car. And it moves us all theyre so beautiful through despair and hope good job. whispering youre both gonna get dog beds. Through faith and love youre next, huh . Shh okay. Okay. Im just saying. In the circle good job, kid. The circle of life so youre a small businor a big one. You were thriving, but then. Oh. Ah. Okay. Plan, pivot. How do you bounce back . You dont, you bounce forward, with serious and reliable internet. Powered by the largest gig Speed Network in america. But is it secure . Sure its secure. And even if the power goes down, your connection doesnt. So how do i do this . You dont do this. We do this, together. Bounce forward, with comcast business. Oh, is he still crying . Yeah, has been for hours. sighs wow. I thought hed cry himself to sleep, poor little guy. Well, has he eaten anything . Uh, i fed him an hour ago. Its amazing how one can be fine and the other one is so upset. You go up to bed. Ill check on him one last time. Thanks, mom. Theres my big, brave boy. crying sherry booked a toothpaste commercial. Uhhuh. Im going to have to see that beautiful smile all the time mm. Captions by vitac re kids breakfast kids . Oh. Phil, would you get them . Yeah. Just a sec. Kids that is so okay