Announcer this program is made possible in part by the corporation for public broadcasting, the john d. And catherine t. Macarthur foundation, the National Endowment for the arts, and from contributions from viewers like you. Thank you. [animals bleating] man heres her back feet, and theres her front. Just standing right there. Just young. Oh, well. Pretty neat to see. I wasnt gonna shoot him. I just wanted to see him. Female interviewer is there anything that you would want people to know . Woman oh, i think the biggest thing people need to realize is that. Everything isnt the way it seems. [woman humming] [rooster crows] [goat bleating] i know youre not happy. I know it, buddy. If you leave that on there, shell get sorer. Man, voiceover hi. [chuckles] my name is alexander sutton. I am retired from the u. S. Army. I am. [whispers] 32. 32 years old. Alex, voiceover this is my fiancee jessica. 1, 2, 3. [goat bleating] [baby goat bleating] alex were just gonna clean out in here a little bit for you, little buddy. So the front of the property is like this. Theres a little cut in right to the farm, and then we have the goat pen. Alex, voiceover my grandfather was a korean war vet. He came back from the war, and he bought 40 acres. I seen how happy it made my grandpa. I retired in july of last year. I was medically discharged from the army and was 100 disabled. In my last tour in iraq, i got hit with an ied, and it tore me in up really bad. [chuckles] um, after a bunch of surgeries later on, you know, they told me, hey, youre either gonna have to retire, or youre gonna have to take a desk job. And i just i couldnt do it, so i picked the retirement. Man whats wrong with this . Alex you can try it. It might stretch out. [laughter] man, you got to let us do something, man. Lets go knock this one down, bo. Hes gonna go ahead and pull this one out. He think he gonna do everything, bo. Come on. Lets move it out. Alex, voiceover what id love to do and my future goals, id love to have a couple of little cabins out here where vets could come out. Wed teach them a little bit about farming, about working the land. So many people have been there to support me. Its my turn. [chicks cheeping] jessica they got covering down their legs. All the way down, and. Alex, voiceover poultry is like the beginner level. Its really forgiving, you know . [chuckles] we have barred rocks, delaware, silver sebrights, blacktail, buck, japanese, mille de fleurs, standard cochins, giant cochins. Thats chickens. And then we got pigeons, quail, the narragansetts. We have the standard bronze, purple, pied, blue, maybe a pink one somewhere. Jessica, voiceover theres no pink guineas out there, alex. Alex, voiceover oh, thats the elephant and then the pink elephant. [jessica chuckles] alex, voiceover when you are a soldier, especially a combat soldier, you notice every detail. You know everything that comes by. You know everything. Farming keeps you in that same awareness. Just to watch this little bitty plant come out of the ground out of nothing its like, wow. Its an adrenaline rush, you know . I get the same feel from watching my babies hatch as i did pulling the trigger of a. 50 cal and watching somebodys head explode. Jessica hi, stephanie. I was calling to make an appointment for my fianc silberhorn, but ill be a sutton on the 19th of next month. [laughs] we said 2 00 . And also, do you guys have a talky doctor an actual talky doctor, not a, uma social worker . A talky doctortalk therapy . [stephanie, indistinct] jessica yes. Thank you. Ok. Yeah. Hes been doing that one for his meds, but hes needing one that he can actually just do talk therapy, not the meds. Ok. [birds chirping] [dog barking] [crunching] [indistinct] [chickens clucking] come on. Come on. Youre gonna hang out with me. Jessica, voiceover when we first met each other, we had only seen pictures you know, from, like, the waist up, obviously. I had posted an ad on craigslist that i was just looking for a friend to go fishing with me. When ii first saw alex, i was like, oh, yeah. Hes just gonna be a friend. [chuckles] as i learned more about him, i immediately fell in love with him. I remember the little battle in my head is to, do i tell him now that i have feelings for him, or do i wait . [chuckles] youre all sweaty. Jessica, voiceover and i remember that first night i said, i love you. It was insane. [laughs] i dont know why i said it, but it was just, well, what if something happens and he never hears it . Look at me. [chuckles] mwah [chuckles] female interviewer tell me about your tattoos. Well, of course, theres my infantry tattoo, and my crossed rifles is the sign of the infantry. Thats where i started, and that was my first one. And then the dragonive always been a mythical person. This one is bettie page. Just stay up here. Dont show my fat belly. Thats my zodiac, thats my daughters zodiac, and thats my exs zodiac. My exwife has the exact same one, except hers is right there. Female interviewer its part of the hope of this story, in sharing your story, is to help educate people to what happens in war. Some of the other bad stuff is families having alex i dont want that part in the story. Female interviewer ok. Jessica yeah. It doesnt need to be in the story. Alex does it . Female interviewer the reason were interested in it is with her picture on the wall, we feel like its a part of your life now. Alex my family was destroyed because of the combat and the [bleep], and i dont like to think about it because it brings up way too many bad memories. [chatter] alex good job. You see any more in here . She wont hurt you. [chicken squawks] here. You want to hold my hand . Alex come on. I got you. Look, reach in there and grab the egg, ok . Ill protect you. Good job. We get our chickens in kentucky. We have about 100. And then we came out alex we have a hatchery inside. Oh, gosh. Man its all every single thing at the va has been hard. Jessica you have that, too. Well, thats what a seizure is. Jessica he has that, but he doesnt like it. He doesnt take it. Alex yeah. Why dont you take it . I just dont like taking all these pills. I dont even know what they are. I forget. That ones helped me a lot, is fluoxetine. Well, maybe you should actually do it. They gave it to him, and he took it for, like, a week, and hes like, i dont like it. Im not taking it. Alex yeah. Woman itll be like zero to sixty. Alex so you got that same problem i do you know, the little conscience, the little dude thats in your brain thats supposed to tell you whats right and wrong mines down on the beach somewhere. It wont come back. He does not have that. Male interviewer alex, do you mind telling us a little bit about your career in the military . Theres some stuff i can tell you. Male interviewer right. Anything you cant, obviously no pressure. Female interviewer whatever you feel comfortable. Male interviewer yeah. Whatever you feel comfortable. Well, its not so much comfortable; its female interviewer whatever is legally allowed. There you go. Confidentiality. Um, i came in right out of high school. Uh, i went into basic training, became an infantry soldier. And thats when all hell busted loose. Thats when the towers crumbled. Alex coins are given to you for achievement, exceptional performance. This ones from a onestar general. He gave it to me after a convoy, after i kept him safe on convoy. I thought i had more than that. The purple heart is if youre wounded or killed in combat. Alex, voiceover i always put the mission first. I never questioned. I never asked. I just had my mission. I did it. I was the perfect soldier. This is an m4. 556 is the rounds that the military use. See . The rounds went right through. Didnt explode or anything . No. If you want to see it explode, im gonna get the 12gauge. No alex, voiceover you know, we only wanted the best of the best. We weeded out the little wussies that didnt want to be real people. Boy imagine. Id like to imagine. Jessica youre showing off, and now the peacocks showing off. Boy oh, look the peacock its put its feathers out. Alex, voiceover and you know, as soldiers, as true soldiers, were bred for pain. [goat bleating] before i had my rebuild on my legs, the doctors told me, youre not gonna be able to do this. Dont do this. Dont do that. I told them to [bleep] off. Female interviewer alex, can you talk about what exactly happened in your rehabilitation with your body . Alex, voiceover august 2008, i was blown up, medevacd back, and i spent the next couple of years getting put back together. I had to rebuild. I had to have titanium rods, support rods, put in. A lot of it was experimental, what they were doing, you know. It was new procedures. Female interviewer you have titanium in you . Alex, voiceover they make a thin titanium coat on your bone, and it disintegrates after a while, and its just like internal shrapnel. It just tears you apart inside. Female interviewer and so when you you said it was experimental. Can you talk more about that . Alex, voiceover theres been 8 people that have had the procedure done. It was a german doctor that came up with it. Its not registered through usda or licensed or anything through the states. Out of the 8 people that have had it done, 6 are dead. Its all under classified records. They told me that, you know, probably within 7 years, ill be dead, but ive fought every other battle and won. I havent lost yet. [rooster crows] [chickens clucking] come here, buddy. Hey come here. Woo hoo. Jessica are you ok . Alex did i get him . Jessica no. [rooster crows] jessica you shot coco up. [gunshot] [chickens squawking] ill get it. [engine running] woman ok, now, we got this. Second woman mmhmm. Thank you. I suppose we should save the tops in case we dont finish it all. Woman thats probably a good idea. Well, i call alex the accidental farmer, and, um to his face. I mean, thats a joke between us, but, um, hes really a tremendous soldier, but hes not a good farmer. Yet. Woman our daughter was living here at the home, and jessica knew we liked this young man. You know, we werent biting our tongue. His desire to become a part of a family and then, thank goodness, part of our family was, uhwas endearing to us. It really was. His parents left him when he was just a small baby, i mean, and went off in two different directions, and he was raised by his grandma and grandpa. Jessicas father, voiceover and the military had been his family from the age of 17 until 33 or so, when he met us. I wasnt frightened of him, um, but i was leery. Alex went through a really bad period over at fort bragg because he was having problems with all the uniforms. He was having flashbacks and things, so his doctor thought it wouldnt be bad for him to get off post. [chatter] jessicas father, voiceover so hehe stayed here for a while, and, uh, that seemed to calm him down quite a bit. You know, its a very difficult thing, what these men come back with. Jessie, i got drugs. What are they . I dont know. They are. Oh, theyre my happy pills. Oh, your [indistinct] . Yup. Theyre my i dont kill people pills. No, theyre not. Those are the pills that keep you working. Oh. Oh. Female interviewer how many different pills do you take . Well, prazosin nightmare control. Concertathese are my energy pills oomph to get out of bed and go. Zolpimsomething oranother. Oxycontins, fluoxetine these are the ones these are my antipsychotic pills. Lunesta, robaxin, klonopin my anxiety pills. Dioxecine, imitrex, and fish oil. Thats supposed to help with my blood pressure. Male interviewer how do you feel, like, inin your head . Alex, voiceover the mental side . Yeah. I feel tranquilized a lot. I mean, thats the best way to say it. I mean, its better than the alternative locking me up someplace. [chuckles] or sitting on a water tower with a sniper rifle and. Female interviewer do you really feel like that would be the alternative, knowing yourself, that its those extremes . Alex, voiceover yeah. [chuckles] jessica you know, to be honest, growing up, i never thought id get married. I had selfesteem issues, and, um, so i just. I dont know. I just didnt ever think it would ever happen. [chatter] alex, voiceover you want to see how sappy i am . I wrote my own vows. I, alexander, take you, jessica, to be my lawfully wedded wife. I will have and hold you even though youve been out birthing goats or pitchforking manure out of the barn. I have you for richer or for poorer, and i will try not to panic when you spend a chunk of the alreadyspent farm check on new animals. Woman yeah. I like that. Alex, voiceover i will honor you even when you put health food in my lunchbox. I will love you in a messy house or a clean one, in insulated coveralls or a beautiful black dress. I will stick with you until both of us are returned to the land that we have worked and loved for our entire life. I will love you forever and always. Woman ok, guys. Hey [chatter] singer . To be loved by you [different song playing] singer apple bottom jeans, jeans boots with the fur, with the fur the whole world was looking at her she hit the floor, next thing you know shorty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low i knew it. But, i mean, i just i looked at her. I was like, its possible, but ii was surprised when he told me. She smells pregnant, too. Thank you, and i love you, too. Does this smell pregnant . Oh. It smells like deodorant. [laughs] were gonna have a baby. You know what his name is . Jelly bean. Yeah. Thats the babys name for right now because i told him one day it was like, yeah, this big. Its, like, the size of a jelly bean. Alex this is gonna be the babys room. Right now its the mancave, and this is the start. Hmm. I had every wolverine card there was. Alex, voiceover well, i was a big kid already in high school. I was kind of like the mama hen of the nerds. This is my real father, my blood father. Male interviewer what happened to him . Alex sperm donor. Hes dead. This is when i made 85, but its got a picture of my grandpa on it from the korean war. The shellshock bothered him a lot. If we went out in public anyplace there would be koreans, he wouldnt be comfortable. Just that hatred for koreans, and i never understood, and now i do. Theres my tags. And i have that same hatred for the middle east, you know . I will do my damnedest not to show my kids that side. I dont think it was one of hers. I dont know where it came from. Hey, jessie . I dont know. With the memory loss, i dont know. Jessie. Jessie jessie . Jessie alex did i have it before . Yeah. I wonder if thats from my grandma. I think its from your grandma. Thats got to stay in here, then. Ok. Itll stay. Ok. Jessica, voiceover i guess kind of like a mother tries to protect her children, i try to stay aware of our surroundings as far as, you know, wherever were going, who were gonna be around, how that can impact alex. I know he sometimes thinks hes a burden. Um, you know, hes always asked me, because hes already lost one wife, you know, what would i have to do to when would you want to leave me . And i said, you pretty much would have to be trying to kill me or, you know, id have to be in either mental or bodily harm for me to leave you. Female interviewer and leanahow does it stand, like, in terms of him having access to her . He has no access to her. He has none. Um, his only hope at this point, as far as we know, is that as she gets older, shell be curious about her who her, you know, biological father was and maybe will seek him out. [chatter] [rooster crows] but its only 9 00. Here we go. Uh. [indistinct] yeah. Just sprinkle it on the floor for them. Yeah. [buzzing] [heartbeat] [heavy breathing] [helicopter] [speaking arabic] what did you tell him in his language . I said, thank you. Now [bleep] leave. [speaking arabic] get out of here. [speaking arabic] did he understand you . [speaking arabic] yeah. I didnt see him. What . I didnt see him. Oh, you didnt see him . How did you miss seeing him . [rooster crows] alex, voiceover you have to calm down to heal. [chuckles] you have to calm down to heal, and i never get that. All the drug does is repress. My selfdiscipline i lose control of it, and thats when it gets really ugly. [chuckles] thats whenwhen it really kicks in hard and when i start to black out and get the flashbacks really bad. Alex, voiceover we want to be able to fit in with the normal pop. We want to be able to have normal lives. We dont want to be like this. I mean, people think, oh, wow. Yeah. You get nightmares. No. Its a lot more than that, to the point where i dont even know if ill even be able to have a child just because of that. I dont even know if ill ever be able to hold my baby because of that. I cant even have my little daughter next to me because i. [chuckles] man its great to be around all these friends and, uh, more importantly, veterans here, and a lot of folks in america do not understand thatthat there are folks that want to change our way of life and take charge here and, uhand some of them want to kill us maybe about 10 of the world. We have to keep our military strong the ones that protect our freedoms, protect our way of life, and thats you each and every one of you. [bell jingles] different man there we go [woman shouts] [gunshots] did you get both of them . [indistinct] alex damn them hawks. This is all from the hawks. Hawks, foxes, neighbor dogs. I mean, there was our fault, too. We made a lot of mistakes. [rooster crows] i dont want to talk anymore. Jessica its hard to not want to give up when youre not succeeding. And then, of course, pride comes into play. I think it makes him feel like hes a failure when he knows theres stuff to be done and he just simply cant do it. Its not his fault. Its from the injuries. They said that, you know, he might only have, like, 7 years from the time of thethe accident, when the blast was. Um, that was when his body would give out and something bad would happen. [music playing] jessica, voiceover i think at this point, um, theres times that i get worried, you know, but what kind of life is it to live where youre afraid of your loved ones dying . [man speaking on tv] male interviewer did you read any of it when they gave it to you . [bleep] no. No. I was having issues with it after the first conflict in 2003, 2004. Male interviewer that was the first deployment to iraq . Alex mmhmm. I went to visits with the docs then, but it was more like, yeah, suck it up, wipe the sand out of your crack, and get on with the mission. Male interviewer and this is a point of clarification for us because youve told us a lot about your leaving iraq. And everything i could find in the medical records about you leaving iraq says that you were medevacd out for posttraumatic stress and for depression. After the blast, yeah. It was after the blast . Male interviewer ok. Because so here. I mean, this is what im talking about. Its, like, the airevac. Everything i found, it says posttraumatic stress and major depression. There is absolutely nothing about the blast. Should be. I was sent to kuwait after the blast to try and recover and get back in. To get back into iraq . Mmhmm. So you were mostly physically well enough to think that you were going to be going back . No. I was tore up. I was tore up pretty bad, but i didnt care. Tore up how . I had [bleep] shrapnel through my legs. I had a cast on both my legs. I had steel rods going down through them. I didnt care about pain. I didnt care about injuries. I didnt care about [bleep]. I just wanted to get back and kill the guys that killed me and killed my soldiers. But i couldnt. I couldnt straighten my head out. My mind had snapped. It was too much. It pushed me beyond my point, and i lost it. Um, dod directive states that members on mood stabilizers should not deploy, but somehow this patient was cleared for deployment on it. It was my mission. I do what i have to do. Obviously there was a reason i still had to go. I went, i did my mission, and i continued on with it. [bleating] its called stars and stripes, i think. Jessica that is so cool. And thats what the quilt looks like. Alex oh, my gosh. They made that for you. Oh, my gosh. Jessicas father im gonna get a picture of you sitting in your chair with your lap quilt over you. All right. Jessica its cool that youre wearing your airborne shirt like always. [laughter] you guys did not have to do any of this. Jessicas father no, but ive got a lot of people that reached out to me and wanted to do things, and. Alex, voiceover ive been talking to my doc, and he said, its good to let go of the past. So i decided, on my own, that i was gonna cut back on my tactical rifles and get them, you know, out of sight, out of mind. And i dont need all them damn firearms around with a kid in the house. Jessicas father you guys have the most beautiful little baby girl. She is so sweet. I dont think ive ever seen a cuter baby. [whispers] i love her. Thank you. [baby crying on baby monitor] today is my first day by myself with the baby. Ive been pooped on, peed on, pooped on again. God dont give you any challenges he dont think you cant handle, so. Thats what i got to keep telling myself and remembering. You just have to be strong and not give up. And i almost did. I tried to give up. I tried to kill myself. It didnt work, and then. Thats when jesus kicked me in the ass, and thats when he showed me jess. Thats when we got to start this life out here. [crying] hey, whats wrong . [crying] whats wrong . [crying] [indistinct] [crying] oh, come on, baby. [crying loudly] [crying stops] o hail, o hail, o infantry queen of battle, follow me nothing in this world is free the infantry is the life for me late at night in the drizzling rain i am hit but feel no pain o ranger, ranger, have no fear the infantry god is always near o hail, o hail, o infantry. Jessica, voiceover well, its certainly interesting between having two children now. Um, clara has just about turnedoh, gosh uh, i think shes 19 months now, and james just turned 8 months. Seems like yesterday that he was born. [james babbles] this has been my winter project. Ive been buying old old reels, and ive been rebuilding them. Stingray, sea trout, weakfish, red grunts, cobia, blacktip shark. Theres nothing like the rush of saltwater fishing being hooked on to, you know, something that you know could eat you. Wheres daddy going . [alex humming] [chuckling] she knew you were gonna get her. [blblblbl] jessica beep beep. Alex wheres my beep . Beep. Jessica beep beep. Alex beep jessica good job. Alex beep beep rowr. Jessica its a big horn. Alex honk honk blblbl. Alex want to touch the cow . Jessica, voiceover i honestly think the innocence of our children have done the most help, along with medications. Alex say mrrrh. Clara ooh ooh ooh. Jessica, voiceover the blackouts and the flashbacks and things have really subsided. Hes, you know, still aggressive at times, but its to a dull roar at this point. Jessica, voiceover we have to be understanding to those that are coming back that they have been changed. Hopefully eventually it will get better, but it might not. For me, its all up to alex, you know what he can handle, what he cant handle. Hes the most important thing in my life, you know . Female interviewer do you think hes better because he did farm, or do you think he would have been better off if you guys had found fishing at the beach sooner . Jessica im not sure. I know hes happy at the ocean, but he was happy here, too, at first. I wish i had the answer to that. I really dont have the answer to that. I think the farm has given him great purpose and, uh. What are we doing . Arent you supposed to be watching children. Alex yeah. I got bored. And notand not breaking machetes . I got bored. I was wondering what yall were doing. Were interviewing. Oh. What are you interviewing about . Wheres clara . In her seat, eating. Is she still eating . Yeah. I just keep giving her more food. What . Shes gonna look like, uh, whats that gluttonous boy . Glutus, or whatever it was . Who . I dont know, but im supposed to be doing an interview, and youre disturbing it. Am i . Yeah. Fine. [laughs] bye women hardest work ive ever done is working on a farm the easiest work ive ever done was rolling in your arms swing and turn, jubilee live and learn, jubilee if i had no horse to ride you might find me crawling up and down this rocky road looking for my darlin swing and turn, jubilee live and learn, jubilee its all out on the old railroad its all out on the sea its all out on the old railroad its all out on the sea as far as i can see swing and turn, jubilee dad sent me 20 pictures and resumes of matrimonial candidates. Totally normal, right . Different man objects are a big part of how we tell our story. Woman that was the moment that separated the brave people from the scared people. Announcer great documentary films that stay with you independent lens streaming now. Announcer this program is made possible in part by the corporation for public broadcasting, the john d. And catherine t. Macarthur foundation, the National Endowment for the arts, and from contributions from viewers like you. Thank you. Pbs your home for independent film production. Sbrocco another umami bomb. Obrien umami bomb