Transcripts For KPIX The 20240703

Through his new interpreter. [speaking japanese] he says hey, and hes so happy that im his translator. [speaking japanese] he says put it all on captains boy to place in the third at belmont. Go ahead. [speaking japanese] he says my wife cheryl should just calm down about the college fund. Well win it back. Are you listening, cheryl . Thats his words, not mine. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Oaf of wall street plus, stephen welcomes Carol Burnett and musical guest waxahatchee and mj lenderman. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheering] stephen youve got to set it up. Youve got to offer it up. Happy tuesday, baby. Happy, happy, happy, happy. Hey, everybody thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Hello thank you very much, my friends. Welcome. Welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] im being told is this true . This just in. We have breaking news. Donald trump is upset about something. [laughtr] can we factcheck that . That is true, okay. Evidently im just finding this out now one of the things that joe biden has been running on in this election is the success and popularity of obamacare. Its all part of the radical political theory that people enjoy staying alive. Well, this idea seems to have ruffled trumps dander, cause a short time ago, he truthed im not running to terminate the aca, as crooked joe buden disinformates and misinformates all the time its true. No, folks, listen up. He misinformates, disinformates, and spreads untruthfullnessitudes joe buden clearly has diminished cognoogitude. Now, trump claims hes not trying to repeal obamacare, which is something he actually tried repeatedly to do in the past. Instead he says he wants to make the Affordable Care act much, much, much better for far less money, or cost, to our grest american citizens. Yes, our grest. Which, according to urban dictionary, means an interesting way to say great breasts. [cheers and applause] im guessing that ones not a typo. In fact, i believe thats what maga stands for make America Grest Awooga you dont often get to say awooga im going to linger on that. You know, folks, i consider myself a deep spiritual thinker. I frequently ponder the ageold questions like why do bad things happen to good people, and why do good things ever happen to donald trump . Yesterday, the trump media and technology group, or hpv, which owns truth social, completed a deal to go public. According to bloomberg news, that deal increased trumps net worth by more than 4 billion, making him one of the worlds 500 richest people. He made over 4 billion misspelling things on the toilet. My god, i hope that article is misinformated. The name of the Company Trump merged with is the completely innocent sounding Digital World acquisition corp. I forget. Are they the bad guys in robocop or terminator . Coming into trading today, wall street gave the combined company a valuation of about 13 billion, which experts warn us is untethered to reality. To give a sense of how bonkers that estimate is reddit was only valued at 6. 4 billion at its ipo last week, even though it generated 160 times more revenue than trump media. Yeah, theres no way truth social is worth more than reddit. Truth social doesnt have even one subchannel dedicated to birds with arms. [laughter] can we just run that for the rest of the monologue . On top of that, in the first nine months of 2023, truth social lost 49 million. [applause] and with results like that, naturally, at the opening bell, the stock surged about 56 . So trump sells something that does terribly, yet it makes him billions. I like that business model. Thats why im introducing my new product Stephen Colberts bathtub toaster. The tingling means its working now, in fairness, you can see why investors might get excited about the company. Just take a look at their quarterly income statements. That is a rocket ride to the moon and im sorry. Im being told thats upside down. To add insult to there is no justice in this veil of tears, the company is trading under the ticker djt. That is the height of narcissism. And i say that as a man who bolted his name to the side of this building. So, thats tasteful [cheering] thats not narcissism cause its my name how was trump so lucky that the ticker djt was available . Well, there wasnt much demand for it after he previously used it in 1995 for his hotel and casino company, which filed for bankruptcy and was delisted from the Stock Exchange nine years later. But that wasnt his fault he was trying to make money in the notoriously difficult casino industry. You know what they say the house always files for bankruptcy. No surprise, theres an alluring whiff of corruption around this whole deal centered on secretive billionaire and guy at the food court whos just gonna sit here and watch you eat, jeff yass. Reportedly, yass is a part owner of Digital World acquisition corp. Hes also a major investor in tiktoks parent company. Congress has been threatening to shut down tiktok unless it is sold by its chinabased parent company. The person who originally demanded that sale was a guy named donald trump. He changed his mind after yass met with trump in florida. Is that suspicious . Yaaaaass yaaaaass [applause] coldblooded [laughter] thats a blast from the past. Truth social does have one poweruser, his name is donald trump. Yesterday, on his app, trump embraced the idea that hes kind of like jesus christ, in a post about his new york fraud case where he claims a fan came up to him and said its ironic that christ walked through his greatest persecution the very week they are trying to steal your property from you. Exactly. Trump is just like christ. The pharisees despised jesus because jesus had all of that prime deadseafront property. Jesus was a brilliant capitalist. Hes buying lepers at rock bottom prices, healing them, then flipping them for big dinarii. We all know how he got initial round of funding selling golden sandals. Speaking of people who are divorced from reality, there was a big announcement this afternoon from president ial candidate most likely to eat a stick of natural deodorant, rfk jr. Junior is getting heat from democrats who think hes trying to siphon votes away from biden, calling him a stalking horse for trump. But im not sure that metaphor is apt, because at least horses wear shoes. Even biden trolled rfk, jr. On st. Patricks day by posing with over three dozen members of the Kennedy Family who oppose rfks independent run. Wow. I havent seen an irishonirish attack that vicious since the lines at every soft pretzel cart in fenway park. So rfk, jr. Could use some bigname help to boost his campaign. And after floating potential runningmates like Aaron Rodgers and jesse ventura, today he unveiled his megawatt vp pick. Say it with me. Nicole shanahan [laughter] now, what do we know about Nicole Shanahan . Well, her first name is nicole and, this is actually interesting, her last name is shanahan. Apparently, shes an attorney and entrepreneur who was once married to google founder sergey brin. In fact, if you try to google shanahan, you just get a page that says, error 404, not found. Im doing fine, bro. Better than ever. Why . Did she ask . So just why. Why. So why is rfk getting into these shenanahanigans . Well, many, many one reason shes a Major Campaign donor who paid most of the cost for rfk jr. s 7 million Super Bowl Ad. Picking a veep based on who can afford a Super Bowl Ad is a long tradition. Thats why mitt romney chose his running mate, florida senator bud light limearita. Oh, no its shanahan. Why not . Its womens History Month check your calendar. And you know what that means some guy is saying something dumb about women. This time its political strategist and six flags man after his grandson introduced him to edibles, james carville. In a recent interview with the new york times, carville blamed the democratic partys problems on too many preachy females who keep telling men dont drink beer. Dont watch football. Yeah, women dont want men drinking beer and watching football. Who do men they think they are . Taylor swift . Carville added, the message is too feminine. Everything youre doing is destroying the planet. Youve got to eat your peas. [laughter] you gotta eat your peas . That sounds weirdly specific to james carville. These women are like, Global Warming is real. James, you gotta eat your peas, you gotta change your sheets more than once a month. The smell is intolerable. Dont preach to me, woman im spoonin with my gator we got a great show for you tonight my guest is the one, the only ms. Carol burnett. But when we come back, its time for cyborgasm then were gonna cuddle. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by mcdonalds. Who do say its juicy. And when you taste it, youll say that too. ugh. Cabin crew cross check. That yellows not gonna fly. Buckle up whoa reality checkup theres toothpaste white, and theres crest 3dwhitestrips white. Whitens like a 400 professional treatment. [pilot] prepare for nonstop smiles. Crest. Every day, more dog people are deciding its time for a fresh approach to pet food. Developed with vets. Made from real meat and veggies. 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Apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. Practice safer sex to reduce your risk. Dont take apretude if youre allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. Tell your doctor if youve had liver or kidney problems or Mental Health concerns. If you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. Serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. Some of the most common side effects include injectionsite reactions and headache. You must receive apretude as scheduled. Ask your doctor about longacting apretude. And prep without pills. Save at apretude. Com. Hi, im jason. Ive lost 228 pounds on golo. And prep wi hout pills. Changing your habits is the only way that gets you to lose the weight. And golo is the plan thats going to help you do that. Just take the first step, go to golo. Com. Marshalls buyers hustle for the latest trends, from fashion. Double denim is back. Got it to beauty, so you dont have to. That is a deal we get the deals, you get the good stuff. Marshalls. Sometimes jonah wrestles with falling asleep. So he takes zzzquil. The worlds 1 sleep aid brand. And wakes up feeling like himself. Get the rest to be your best with nonhabit forming zzzquil. [cheers and applause] stephen give it up for louis cato and the late show band, everybody there you go. [applause] you know, ive said many times. I have said it many times, im lucky to share the stage with these people over here but louis, you know we are all lucky to share the stage with our guest this evening, the one, the only, the great Carol Burnett is going to be out here. [cheers and applause] almost 91. Almost 91. Sharp as a tack, still performing, still dynamic. This is why you want one of these jobs. Folks, if you know me, you know that i love technology. Its the reason i can instantly share all of my contacts, photos, and calendar with everyone in my family whether they want it or not. And i like to bring you all the latest tech in my futureforward segment. Cyborgasm [crackling] [grunting] oh stephen theoretical, theoretical spot. First up on cyborgasm, a scientific journal had an illustration whoopsie after a study featuring an aigenerated image of a giant rat penis had to be retracted, and the journal has now apologized. Okay, i mean, a. I. Is still pretty new and obviously it makes some mistakes, but how giant a rat penis could it possibly oh, sweet. Oh, sweet and sour mickey willies packin a steamboat. This is either from a scientific journal or the Childrens Book jack and the giant peenstalk. What i love about this illustration is just how pleased he seems. Hes just staring up at it with deep satisfaction. Going ya know, i got a lot problems in life. This aint one of em. Long may you wave. Next up, big news from google. Last month, the company paused its ai chatbots image generation tool after it created historically inaccurate pictures, including black vikings, female popes, and native americans among the Founding Fathers and even generated racially diverse nazis. Apparently the images were caused by an overcorrection to longstanding racial bias problems in ai. Okay, got it. So people pointed out, because a. I. Is trained on artwork and writing generated by humans, it naturally comes with all the prejudices, both conscious and unconscious, that we as deeply flawed humans carry with us all the time. And google was like, got it black hitler comin up next up, ai love is in the air, because romances between human beings and ai chatbots are booming, with people chatting with a. I. Apps like lovegpt, lover ai, and truemate ai girlfriend chat. What is it like to send romantic dms with an a. I. . U up . Send sexy pic. Okay. [applause] oh, goodness. Even when you know that graphic is coming. Next up on the gasm, chinese Robotics Company unitree has made a major breakthrough and humanoid robots are running even faster now. Cool no downside there. Lets take a look at the speedster in action behold, the blistering pace of the future our most advanced technology has finally reproduced the gait of a retiree heading for the Golden Corral buffet. Hard to get that one out. These new chinese robots are so good that the unitree h1 is the first humanoid to nail a backflip without hydraulics. Still unclear what the application for this is, but i gotta say, things are looking really good for chinas olympic gymnastics team. Up next, a warning for all the tesla owners out there. Everyone hates you. [laughter] and another warning, be careful when offroading, because recently a Tesla Cybertruck got stuck while driving on a california beach. This despite the truck being touted on teslas website as apocalypseproof. 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Theyre a sign of bacterial infection. Crest gum detoxifys antibacterial fluoride works below the gumline to help heal gums and stop bleeding. Crest saves the day. Crest. [cheers and applause] stephen there you go. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my friends. Oh, my dears. My guest tonight is a seventime emmywinning actress and the queen of tv variety shows. Now she stars in the apple tv series palm royale. Answer all my problems. Would be if i could smother you with this pillow. I dare you to try it. You dont have it in you. You dont have the guts, the pizzazz, they doordie sparkle. But i could have it in me. Die why wont you just die die already see . [laughs] you dont have it in you. My god, oh, my god. Oh, god. Of course i would never do that. Bad maxine, bad stephen please welcome back to the late show, Carol Burnett. [cheers and applause] [cheering] please, madame. Nice to see you. Isnt that lovely . Isnt that lovely . Carol, as you can tell, i am not the only one excited that youre here. Thank you for being here. [cheering] ive had the opportunity to interview you a few times both on this show on the last show. Always a joy. Youre one of my alltime favorite guests. You are so natural and relaxed in yourself but also larger than life at the same time. Im just curious. You had such a long and storied career, did you ever get nervous on talk shows . Carol oh, yes. I remember a long time ago, you know, when Johnny Carson was on. Stephen sure, sure. Carol and i would be nervous. He kind of made me nervous because when you sat in that chair, you had to score. I am not a standup or anything. I thought, what am i going to do . I decided i didnt tell johnny, that i would be the worlds worst guest. [laughter] so stephen i shudder to imagine. Carol so i get on the show and this was years ago and he said im so glad youre here, carol. I understand you just moved out from new york but that you were raised here in hollywood and then you went to new york and i are back in california again. Are you thrilled about that . And i said yes. And then he said. He said, wasnt betty grable your Favorite Movie star when you were growing up in hollywood . I said yes. And then he said i understand that you bought Betty Grables old house, so youre living in it. Yes. He said, did you everything think that such a thing whatever happened to you . I said no. Of course he caught on. He started asking all kinds of interesting questions which i could just say maybe. No. [laughs] stephen im jealous of anybody that had any time with carson because obviously is the model for so many of us. You also had, you started your career with garry moore. Carol right here on this stage. [applause] stephen and then you are on the Ed Sullivan Show seven times. Carol i was . Stephen thats what research says. They couldnt print it if it wasnt legal. Seven times. Of course, so many people came on this stage. Where were sitting right now, the beatles performed up center up there. Weve been told that elvis performed right here with the jordanaires behind him or this desk is. Did you ever meet any of them . Carol i was on when elvis was on when he was in the army and they did a whole big thing when he was in the army on the stage and they put me on first. Nobody wanted to see me. I mean, it was it was elvis. Where the hell is elvis . I bombed. Oh, my god. It was terrible, it was awful. Stephen did you say hi to him . Carol yes, i met him and he was very sweet and i got his autograph for my kid sister. Stephen thats nice. Well, elvis inspired the song that you did called i made a fool of myself. Carol over John Foster Dulles. Stephen i know this song. Ive heard this song. For the people who dont know, tell the people who John Foster Dulles was. Carol John Foster Dulles in the 50s was our secretary of state, aptly named. He was so dull. There was nothing there. I remember he wore this overcoat and a hat and never smiled or anything. So i was doing a special materials song that a friend of mine wrote called i made a fool of myself over John Foster Dulles which was meant to be, like everybody was going crazy over elvis. So he wrote this song about this young girl going crazy over John Foster Dulles. Stephen elvis dulles. Its a very short jump. Carol i did it on the parr show and i was working at a nightclub, the blue angel, and i went back to the second show of the phones are ringing off the hook and one of the calls was from david waters who was mr. Dulles press advisor. He said mr. Dulles didnt see it but could you go back on the jack parr show and do it so that he could see it . So i went back. I went back and did it again and i did it on the Ed Sullivan Show and all hell broke loose. And it was front page news. Who was this girl singing about the secretary of state . Stephen did he ever say anything to you about it . Carol what happened, a week later im home and im watching meet the press and mr. Dulles is on. And all the difficult things they are talking about the world today. Stephen sure, cold war. Carol at the end of the program the guy said mr. Dulles, would you tell us, mr. Secretary, would you tell us whats going on between you and this girl that sings that love song about you . [laughter] and im like this, glued to the set. And he said i make it a policy never to discuss matters of the heart in public. [laughter] stephen thats nice. That is nice. Carol so he did have a sense of humor. Stephen carol, we have to take a little break. Please dont leave. And dont you leave either. Well be back with more Carol Burnett, everybody. [cheers and applause] type 2 diabetes . Discover the ozempic® trizone. I got the power of 3. I lowered my a1c, cv risk, and lost some weight. In studies, the majority of people reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. 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For one and done heartburn relief, prilosec otc. One pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn. [cheers and applause] stephen hey, everybody. Look at this. We are back with the start of palm royale, the one, the only Carol Burnett. Garry moore had a variety show. People may not remember but garry moore was a very popular variety show on this stage. What did you learn from him about heading up and running a variety show . Since you went on to do the greatest variety show of alltime. Carol thank you. [applause] garry, it said the garry moore show. But he wasnt the star. What he would do, for instance, if we were sitting around reading the script on a monday. We would tape on a friday. And durwar wed be reading the script and if garry had a punch line or joke or something, he said you know what . Give this to carol or durward. They can say it funnier than i can. Stephen generous. Carol thats what i learned because when i got my show i wanted it to be a real company. It had my name on it but there were sketches where i would be supporting harvey korman. Harvey would be supporting vicki. Tim would be supporting me. It was a real rep company and thats one of the things that i took away from the garry moore show. Stephen theres sketch comedy, comedic acting, and then theres being a comic, like a standup pair people often say to me how did you get started and stand up . And i go i didnt, i started an improv im a actor who happy accident, ended up in this job. How did you make this decision . Carol i was doing garys show, and im in my 20s. And this vaudevillian was a guess that week named ed wynn, when he was guesting on garrys show, he had been in ezekiel follies and everything i remember we were talking about, we are reading about on monday reading sketches and garry asked, whats the difference between, i hope i get this right, a comedic actor and a comic . And ed wynn said comics say funny things and a comedic actor says things funny. Stephen wow. Yeah, and thats when you made your choice . Carol i wanted to say things funny. Stephen i have some good news for you. [laughter] it worked out. We have to take a break, but dont go anywhere. Well be right back with Carol Burnett, everybody. [cheers and applause] got that message. But, always flexfoam did it protects against different flows for up to zero leaks. And it flexes to fit all bodies, for up to zero feel. Feel it yourself with always flexfoam. To help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. With apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. In reducing the risk of hiv. You must be hiv negative, to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. Apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. Practice safer sex to reduce your risk. Dont take apretude if youre allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. Tell your doctor if youve had liver or kidney problems or Mental Health concerns. If you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. Serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. Some of the most common side effects include injectionsite reactions and headache. You must receive apretude as scheduled. Ask your doctor about longacting apretude. And prep without pills. Save at apretude. Com. Head shoulders bare clinically proven dandruff protection with just 9 essential ingredients no sulfates, no silicones, no dyes. Dandruff protection, minimal ingredients. Job done. [ cellphone ringing ] phone call from the boss . Sorry. Outdoor time is me time. I hear that. Thats why we protect all your vehicles here. But hey. Nothing wrong with sticking it to the boss. Ooooh, flo, you gonna take that . Why would that concern me . Because youre. The. Arent you the. . Huh. We never actually discussed hierarchy. Ok, why dont we just stick to letting dave know how much he can save when he bundles his home or auto with his boat or rv. Wait, i thought jamie was the boss. [ laughter ] its funny because im not boss material that grimy film on your teeth . Dr. G . its actually the buildup of plaque bacteria which can cause cavities. Most toothpastes quit working in minutes. But crest prohealths antibacterial fluoride protects all day. It stops cavities before they start. Crest. Our excellence is shining yet so many of us are dying it stops cavities before they start. Colon screenings are a must theyre recommended for those 45 and up its on us to stand up to cancer once and for all [cheers and applause] stephen hey, everybody look at that. The star of palm royale, Carol Burnett. Youre in the new serious palm royale about of fancy Palm Beach Country Club in 1969. Who do you play . Carol i play norma, who is the matriarch and kind of runs the whole society thing. She has secrets on everybody. Shes kind of a blackmailer and she has secrets of her own and in the first two or three, three episodes, shes in a coma. Stephen wait a second. First three episodes youre in a coma . How does one do good coma acting . Because the reason i ask is its more than sleep but less than death. [laughter] carol you nailed it. I would get up at 5 00 in the morning, as we do, and go to the set. You get in the makeup trailer and you get all made up and everything, dressed. And then i went to bed. [laughter] stephen you just lay down. Carol yeah. And i got paid. Stephen nice work if you can get it. Carol but i do start to wake up, of course, later on. And she doesnt want anybody to know that shes kind of coming out of it. Stephen oh. Carol because shes not a very nice person. But they are the most fun to play. Stephen your character is obsessed with power but also money. Now you did not grow up with much. Carol no. Stephen im curious how your family stretched a dollar. Like what did you do to get by . Carol well, my grandmother raised me. And we lived in one room with a pull down murphy bed that she slept on and i slept on the couch. We would save our pennies to go to the movies. That was our one thing. And so when we were about to leave, nanny, my grandmother would say lets hit the ladies room. We did and we would steal all the toilet paper. [laughter] stephen there you go. Youve got to use your head. Got to use your noggin. The costumes on the show are incredible works of art. Here you are. Here you are as cleopatra for some reason. Here you are as marie antoinette. For another reason. And youve always had fantastic costumes. Carol bob mackie. Stephen im curious, how does the costume in form or change or performance . Carol completely. There were times when i didnt know how i was going to do a character until i went to the costume fitting. Bob mackie put me in what was he was going to design, for instance, mrs. Wiggins. Stephen sure. That tight dress. Carol originally, tim conway wrote those characters and he had written mrs. Wiggins to be a doddering old lady so i went into costume fitting that week and bob mackie said we been doing doddering old ladies. Lets make her into this bimbo whom the i. Q. Fairy never visited. So he put me in the blond wig and the push up bra and the tight, tight skirt, but it was an old skirt he had in the Costume Department and it bagged in the behind. And i said. Also he put me in these stiletto high heels. The skirt was tight around the knees, but it bagged. I said, bob, im flat back there. Youre going to have to take this in. He said no, no. Stick your behind into it. And i did, and thats how the walk happens. [applause] stephen working the suit. Carol that gave me my character. Stephen i understand that when you were young actress trying to make it, you and some of your friends had a special audition dress. Carol i lived at a place called the Rehearsal Club here, which was a wonderful boardinghouse that housed women who wanted to be in the theater. It was all very much on the up and up. We didnt have much money or anything. And so i decided that five of us should go to bloomingdales and each one of us, we put in 5 so we got a dress for 25, that would stand out in auditions. And we were built the same and in the waist so we got that fit. But then it was a full skirt that would hide any fat rear ends. Long sleeves and turtleneck and it was orange and it stood out. And then if you had an audition, we would sign up for the dress, wear it for the audition, bring it back to the club. Be responsible for having it cleaned and then hung back up in the closet waiting for the next person to use it. Stephen wow. Did it work . Carol yeah. I mean, i got a few callbacks. I didnt get the job. Stephen baby steps. Carol right, absolutely. Stephen carol, its such a joy to see you. Thank you so much for being here. Palm royale is available now on apple tv . Its Carol Burnett, everybody. Well be right back with a performance by waxahatchee featuring mj lenderman you made a cow actually its a piggy bank. My inspiration to start saving. How about a more solid way to save . Im listening. Well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward, every month you save. Both cash reward . And theres a cash bonus when you open a new Checking Account to get you started. Wow. Anything you cant do . mugs. Bmo stephen performing right back to it from her album, tigers blood, waxahatchee featuring mj lenderman. Photograph of us in a spotlight on a hot night i was drifting in and out reticent on the off chance im blunter than a bullseye begging for peace of mind i get ahead of myself bracing for a bombshell your love written on a blank check wear it around your neck i was at a loss but you come to me on a fault line deep inside a goldmine hovering like a moth i lose a bit of myself laying out eggshells been yours for so long we come right back to it i let my mind run wild i dont know why i do it but you just settle in like a song with no end if i can keep up get right back to it if i swerve in and out of my lane burning up an old flame turn a jealous eye ill fall down into a fair game lick a wound that was not ever mine i get ahead of myself refusing anyones help been yours for so long we come right back to it i let my mind run wild i dont know why i do it but you just settle in like a song with no end if i can keep up well get right back to it been yours for so long we come right back to it i let my mind run wild i dont know why i do it but you just settle in like a song with no end if i can keep up well get right back to it well get right back to it well get right back to it [cheers and applause] stephen that was beautiful. Thank you so much. Waxahatchee and mj lenderman, everybody. Thats it for the late show. Now stick around for after midnight good night [cheers and applause]