[screaming] but i wont back down announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Its getting hot in hur plus, stephen welcomes diane lane and Patton Oswalt featuring live louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen there you go there you go. Happy tuesday, happy tuesday. Tuesday. Stephen Stephen Stephen thank you, everybody out here, but they are. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, my friends. You are my friends. Romans, countrymen. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. [cheering] today down in washington was yet another clownish attempt by the g. O. P. To draw some sort of moral equivalency between joe biden and donald trump. This time, they heard testimony from special counsel robert hur, who was the guy in charge of the investigation into president bidens handling of classified documents. In hurs report, he declined to charge biden with any crimes, but attacked the president s mental fitness, saying he presents as a sympathetic, wellmeaning, elderly man with a poor memory. That kind of assessment is sort of outside the normal Job Description of a special counsel. Itd be like your doctor saying, we ran some tests, mr. Johnson, and your cholesterol looks good. But i am worried about how ugly you are. Im gonna write you a prescription for bag over your head. Unlimited refills. Today, the g. O. P. Was hoping to use details from hurs report about bidens memory lapses to damage biden ahead of the president ial election. Yes, biden has been dangerously forgetful, unlike trump, who always remembers that hes running against obama, and unopposed, at that, since nancy pelosi dropped out. So there was a lot of drama leading up to the big moment. Heres the special counsel being introduced to the judiciary committee. Ladies and gentlemen, h. E. R. [laughter] stephen sounds kinda classy when she does it. Republicans pressed hur with a sharp line of questioning. Did joe biden commit crimes in an alternate universe . If you have the same facts, and the individual that you were investigating was 65 and had a good memory, do you reach the same conclusion . If this president was 60 years old instead of 80 years old, would your prosecute him . Stephen ill follow up. What if joe biden was a strapping young buck, age 35, sunbleached hair, washboard abs, that little vcut muscle down here, i mean, tight. With fire in his eyes and a soul full of sin . Would you be tempted to charge him with unforgivable crimes of sultry passion . Now. [cheering] right there, that little cut like you could snap off a leg. Hur refused to engage in hypotheticals, but today, he did release the full transcript of his interviews with the president. And, what do know, its not as oldmanforgetsalot as his summary made it out to be. At one point, hur even complimented bidens memory specifically saying you appear to have a photographic understanding and recall. So the exact opposite of his report. At this point,im worried about hurs cognitive ability. Did anyone ask him to identify a whale . [cheers and applause] whale the transcripts revealed that biden remembered a lot of details. He described a submarine deal in australia, curbing chinese influence in africa, the improvement of solar facilities in angola, and the president twice mimicked the sounds of a car. [loudly] loved angola, jack. Visited two photovoltaic electricity plants that generate over 500 megawatts of renewable power. [softly] also, cars go vroomvroom, thats number one. No, no, im serious, folks. thats number one. Number two they go beepbeep. [cheers and applause] really . The car noises were apparently part of a lengthy exchange over the torque of electric vehicles, in which biden asked, you know how it works . To which hur responded, sir, id love i would love, love to hear much more about this, but i do have a few more questions to get through. Look, im no fan of hur, but the guy had a tough job. Uh, mr. President , with all due respect, might it be possible to answer the question without a trip to the basement to see the model trains . No . Okay. Biden also regaled hur with details of a trip to mongolia, saying, were out in the middle of nowhere and theyre looking up on the hill. Its a 20mile horse race with all these kids under the age of 16 on bareback racing to come down. And you know, there are sumo wrestlers doin everything they do. So they walked over and they had a target with bales of hay a hundred yards away and. I get handed the bow and arrow. Im not a bad archer. That, of course, in response to the question, sir, would you like a glass of water . The president also joked about the fbi search of his stuff saying, i just hope you didnt find any risque pictures of my wife in a bathing suit, which you probably did. Shes beautiful. [cheers and applause] what a strange day it must hve been for those agents. Sir, we found several boxes of classified documents. Uh, also bathing suit photos of jill from rehoboth in 1997 in a folder labeled tax documents hubba hubba. Now of course. Of course, unlike joe biden, donald trump was charged for illegally retaining classified material, and ooh, boy, do he seem guilty. Because a former maralago employee and a central witness in the case just just told cnn that the American People have the right to know the facts and this is not a witch hunt. [cheering] its clearly. I mean, come on. I think we all know this is clearly not a witch hunt. Unless. Wait, is trump a witch . Wait, are these incantations . Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Bing, bing, bing, bung, fsheeee xeon, xeonening, vadoon, kadang. Ahhhh. Stephen judges . A witch a witch a witch [cheers and applause] stephen thatll clean up nicely. Now, the witnesss name is brian butler thats right, the butler did it previously known in Court Documents only as trump employee number five. Trump employee number five, by the way, also chanels worstselling fragrance. If butlers interview is any indication of his testimony, trump is, to use a legal term, screwed up the wazoo. Butler says he and others moved boxes from maralago to the airport at the same time that federal investigators were visiting trump to discuss returning the classified material. That is insane hes doing the exact crime hes beng investigated for while hes being investigated for the crime. Identity theft . Officer i would never i swear on your mothers maiden name, which is. What again . If thats not bad enough, in exchange for butlers loyalty, trump may have dangled the promise of legal representation as a reward. Though i gotta say trump picking your lawyer is about the worst reward i can imagine. Okay, do want the one who drinks so much that he pees shiraz, the one who farts in court, or the one whose head is dripping with mystery ooze . Trick question its all the same guy. [cheering] the former president s legal bills have been piling up. Theyre a money pit. And word on the street is that the Trump Campaign is so light on cash that the former president may not be able to hold many of the signature rallies he so enjoys. Ohhh. Stephen imagine what thats going to do to trumps already fragile psyche. To get the approval he so desperately needs, hes going to have to rally door to door. Hello, citizen, do you have a moment for me to tell you how windmills are destroying our failing nation . Bing, bong, fshew can i use your bathroom . Spoiler ill be flushing like 10, 15 times. Heres something. Heres something. For those of you who are royal watchers. I know you are, louis. Im afraid ive got some troubling news about englands royal family. I know youre its your lifes passion. As we were talking about yesterday, the kingdom has been aflutter by the seeming disappearance of kate middleton. Well, now, internet sleuths are guessing that kates absence may be related to her husband and the future king of england, william, having an affair. Ohhh. Stephen oh, my heart goes out to poor kate. Now lets dish the hot goss i am ready to spill the tea literally fabrizio bring it out. There you go. Thank you, fabrizio thank you. You may go. Go, go, go, go. Im not gonna share the stage with someone so handsome. So, i think we all know who the alleged other woman is. Say it with me the marchioness of cholmondeley. What a beautiful name that i am being told that ive pronounced incorrectly. It is in fact pronounced chumley. Counterpoint no, its not. Learn english, england. There have been rumors of an affair between william and the marching band of chicanery since 2019. According to tabloids, back then, when kate supposedly confronted him about it, he laughed it off saying there was nothng to it. Always a good response when your wife accuses you of cheating. [british accent] ha ha. Imagine me having an affair. It is too laugh. It reminds me of a jape. Knock knock, whos there . Oh, its my illegitimate son. Ive knocked up my mistress. The marcusmumford of chumbawumba is an old friend of the royals and shes married to a close friend of williams, david rocksavage. Really . Rocksavage. That sounds less like a british noble and more like a musician from the flintstones. Rocksavage. Im sorry, im being told its actually pronounced chumley. We got a great show for you tonight [cheering] my guests are diane lane and comedian Patton Oswalt. Heres the thing. Now usually we would go to commercial now, but if youd like, we could do more show. What do you guys think . More show stephen okay, great but are you okay if theres some corporate sponsorship . Corporate sponsorship stephen wow, okay. Let me ask you a personal question. How do you feel about nissan . Official partner of march madness stephen well, if youre that into it. Folks, heres the thing. [cheering] heres the thing. Heres the thing with me and this show. I dont usually pay that much attention to sports. But i took a keen interest in sport the moment cbs told me that a major sponsor of tonights show is nissan, the official partner of march madness. And thats why tonight, were gonna introduce my highly profitable, hastily assembled segment talkin sportz [cheers and applause] first talkin on the sportz, two University Professors have released a study claiming that nba teams are taking too many threepoint shots. Their research was published in the prestigious new england journal of can you even dunk, bro . The professors argue that, statistically, players score more by attempting 2pointers than 3pointers, and the actual title of the paper is estimating nba team shot selection efficiency from aggregations of true, continuous shot charts. Fun basketball would be so much more exciting if the commentary sounded like this. Mcgrady for the win. And it is. An aggregation of efficient shot selections next sportz were talkin l. A. Dodger superstar Shohei Ohtani recently revealed hes married, in a surprise announcement. I dont know why people were surprised. Ohtanis announcement even caught his coach by surprise. Dodger manager dave roberts said as far as wedding gifts, we got surprised and didnt have much time to think about it. Im sure its en route. Sounds like somebodys scrambling for a wedding gift. I hope ohtani and his wife enjoy their his and hers ice cream helmets. Up next, french president Emmanuel Macron promised to swim in the seine river to prove its clean enough for the olympics next summer. Lovely gesture. Unfortunately, the seine will be even less sanitary once its clogged with his chest hair. Oooh, he did not fake the funk on that nasty dunk. Boom shaka laka stephen what is happening . Its madness season, steve its everywhere. So were here to provide indepth analysis of your jokes, from the leading Commentary Team in sports. Im larry boberry. And im gary nannafanafoferry. And we are coming to you live, courtesy of nissan, official partner of march madness. Stephen thanks, fellas. Obviously we love nissan around here, dont we . But i really dont need you analyzing my jokes so why dont you, as they say, make like a basketball and leave. Oooh, we just got posterized i feel both ashamed and exhilarated like skinnydipping at a Family Reunion will we be added to a list of characters permanently banned from the premises . Only time will tell. Speaker looks like we are getting a ride from lea seong. Official partner for being ejected from the premises. Something in the rulebook that says a dog cant drive. Driver, to phoenix for the ncaa final. We have a date with basketball. Stephen that was more sh show. Say hello to louis cato and the late show band, everybody welcome back. Welcome back for more show. Ive got one thing, one thing over there. Louis, good to see you. Tonight we have two wonderful guests, the incredible actress diane lane from truman versus the swans. After that an amazing comedian, Patton Oswald will be out here. From ghostbusters frozen empire. Folks, if youre one of those people who has a cell phone or the internet, you might be interested in the big news from congress, because tomorrow the house is voting on a bill that could ban tiktok in the u. S. Or as most members of congress put it. The tiktoks have to go. The orange ones are the only ones that taste good and when i drop the box they go clickety clack and everybody stares at me at the matinee. No more tiktoks banning one of the most popular social media apps in the world would set a huge precedent and have a massive impact on american life. Without tik tok, where else would i learn about actual trends like cooking chicken in nyquil . Or future trends like calling the ambulance after someone cooks chicken in nyquil . The bill is a response to fears that tiktoks owner company, bytedance, could share user data such as browsing history, location, and biometric identifiers with chinas authoritarian government. Oh, god. China could spy on us or brainwash our youth with propaganda, or worst of all, put us on a mailing list. Ni hao, stephen. Old navy capris are now 4 for 1. To unsubscribe, pledge your undying loyalty to xi jinping. Pledge, pledge, pledge and congress means business. The bill would force the chinese owners of tiktok to sell the platform or face being barred in the united states. They want all social Media Companies to have only american owners. Like mark zuckerberg, elon musk, or abraham linkedin. Well, heres the thing. The folks at tiktok is pissed. This week, tiktok sent push notifications urging its users to call their representatives. Genius what better way to dispel the idea that they are covertly influencing american politics than overtly influencing american politics. Heres what the push notification said. Congress is planning a total ban of tiktok. Speak up now, before your government strips 170 million of their constitutional right to free expression. Well said, because this is what the founders intended. As James Madison wrote in the ederalist papers, the people must have freedom to throw cheese slices at their babies inside a magic rectangle whose proprietors reside in the mysterious, faraway realm of cathay. Well, tiktok, they got people in a froth, because lawmakers say theyve been deluged with calls from tiktok users, from teenagers to the elderly, and most are really confused and are calling because tiktok told me to. Hello, congress . I am outraged that you think that my addiction to an app could make me a pawn of the Chinese Government. The Chinese Government assures me thats not true also, taiwan has always been a part of china. Good day, sir a lot of these calls werent even from voters. Florida congressman neal dunns office said they has received more than 900 calls from tiktokers, many of which were schoolaged children. Okay, thats weird, but its actually the best Case Scenario of what your teenager is doing in their room with the door locked. Billy . What are you doing in there . Dont come in, mom im calling congressman neil dunn privacy please im furiously calling congressman neil dunn but it wasnt just kids calling. One staffer said that the most aggressive and threatening calls their office received came from adult women. Which makes sense. If you spend any time on tiktok, you know that the most unhinged users are grownass millennials who still describe themselves by their hogwarts house. Youre 37, megan. Youre not in hufflepuff. Youre in marketing. Whatever happens in congress, this is a very complex issue and its a lot for you to take in, so we made a Little Something to explain it. America is doing a vibe check cause spying sounds sus deadass stephen hope that clears things up. Well be right back with diane lane announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by nissan. Nissan official partner of march madness. [buzzer] game time. No two bodies are the same. Some pads, never got that message. But, always flexfoam did it protects against different flows for up to zero leaks. And it flexes to fit all bodies, for up to zero feel. 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Farxiga farxiga can cause serious side effects, including ketoacidosis that may be fatal, dehydration, urinary tract or genital yeast infections, and low blood sugar. A rare, lifethreatening bacterial infection in the skin of the perineum could occur. Stop taking farxiga and call your doctor right away if you have symptoms of this infection, an allergic reaction, or ketoacidosis. When you have chronic kidney disease, its time to ask your doctor for farxiga. Because there are places you want to be. If you cant afford your medication, astrazeneca may be able to help. Farxiga [cheers and applause] stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen. You all know my first guest from movies like unfaithful, under the tuscan sun, and justice league. Now, she stars in feud capote vs. The swans. Please welcome back to the late show, diane lane. [cheers and applause] lovely. Speak to you guys, what a show. Stephen lovely tabby back at the ed sullivan theater. I just recently found out that this is your old neighborhood. You lived around the corner. Warrior local spots. Is anything still here . Diane i used the walk pass this on my way to the colony record store to buy blank cassettes to record off the radio. You had to press two buttons. Stephen you would put the microphone in front of the speaker. Diane i would tell my dad to be quiet because im recording stephen did you go to studio 54 . Diane yes, i think i was there on a night when capote was there. How metaweird is that. Stephen it was like capote and andy and bianca and everybody. How old were you . Diane way too young to be in the room. I was 14. Stephen 14 you were Brooke Shields in there. Diane literally. Im not sure i approve. Stephen in retrospect. Your dad was a cabdriver. Diane yes, he loved that story. He said you were hatched under a rock. Tell them i was a cabdriver. He did that for money. It was a great way to be a single parent and get your kid where they needed to go and i was doing theater late at night and he had to pick me up. He taught acting with john kass of eddys and the 50s. He was like a secret superhero. Stephen did you ever go with him in the cab . Diane absolutely. They would pick up somebody and they would be a 7yearold with no front teeth riding shotgun. Stephen did your dad smoke . Diane absolutely. Stephen my mom did too. My joke as i will never have to be involved because as a child my mother Hickory Smoked me. Do you number your dads cabin number . Diane i still look for it. Looking at the yellow cabs trying to find his number. Stephen dude you ever go in and say this is my dads cab . Diane it happened to my daughter eleanor. She called me up and she said ive been sick 799, face timing, the cabdrivers like got a crazy one. At ai arrived and my dad had passed and that cat was pulling away. It was the first time i ever saw it and i started to tear up and i thought he wants me to do good. Stephen you are starting and the new show feud capote vs. The swans. Diane what a feeling. Such a wonderful view in that. Lack of time. Your costar Tom Hollander was on last night. Diane yes. Stephen the two of you are in here, you can describe was going on with your character. Diane this is the finale, the final episode. This is sort of stephen socialite women in new york and environs. Diane yes, you are setting it up properly. Hopefully they watch the previous. This is trumans wish, if he could have made amends. This is how he would have done it. Stephen jim . You gain nothing but you made me a joke. You made my dreams and ambitions seem so ugly when it was all i had. I consisted of my ambitions and why am i even taking these . They are from japan. I got them and then betty bacall did and everyone said hers were prettier. Your story cast its spell and took away everything i had throw it, throw the dish at me at me, and everyone but youve got to get rid of this anger, throw it its worth a fortune. [clattering] after i picked up and flung the first priceless piece of china against the wall, it was open season. The lady went berserk. [applause] stephen cathartic. Diane it felt good. What was fun was to aim for the camera. They had a camera hidden in the wall so you aim right for it. Stephen a contest. We have to take a quick break with please dont go anywhere. Well be right back with more diane lane, everybody. Stick around. Its time. Yes, the time has come for a fresh approach to dog food. Everyday, more dog people are deciding its time to quit the kibble and feed their dogs fresh food from the farmers dog. Made by vets and delivered right to your door precisely portioned for your dogs needs. Its an idea whose time has come. Im sholeh, and i lost 75 pounds with golo. Its an idea whose time has come. 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They all choose the advanced Network Solutions and round the clock partnership from comcast business. See why comcast business powers more Small Businesses than anyone else. Get started for 49. 99 a month plus ask how to get up to an 800 prepaid card. Dont wait call today. Stephen hey, everybody. We are back here with the start of feud, diane lane. I understand jane fonda gave you some advice about playing, or an insight into your character. Who was slim keith . Diane of formidable woman, very erudite, well read. She married well, as these ladies tend to do especially because she wasnt a blue blood. She didnt come from wealth. Without going too far into detail all jump right into jane knew slim because slim was a friend of janes stepmother. So she said. [laughs] slim used to walk like she had something dangling between her legs and she did this. And i thought, im not going to walk around like that. Anyway, we had already shot it. It was too late. Stephen did she say what was dangling . Diane a fish. Slim is going to get mad at me after all the portrayal. I have to duck. No lights are going to fall on my head. Stephen speaking of jane fonda, jane does this thing every so often called fire drill friday and capitol hill. Jane is here evidently. And she and her friends go down there and they get arrested for protesting that congress isnt taking action about Climate Change and heres one of her friends, you, getting arrested on capitol hill. [cheers and applause] diane speaking of letting your anger showing not having to be pretty for the camera. Stephen i think you look lovely. I have never been arrested on purpose. What did this feel like . Diane so many combinations of emotions. I felt empowered. I think its so important to be active rather than depressed about things. You want movement. You want motion. There ought to be a long weve got to make them and motivate them to do it. Stephen did you take any friends with you . Diane my daughter came. This was so great. My daughter called me the night before and she says mom, i want to be there. Im going to take the Midnight Train. The Midnight Train to d. C. , thats got a ring to it. She came up and got arrested with me. Stephen speaking of daughter memories i understand you were really young when you started touring the world with a theater company. How old were you . Diane that is true. Well, i was seven. Stephen you left home. Did your parents come with you . Diane no. Stephen they handed you over diane ran away and join the circus literally. La mama theater company. Stephen why was that what was that like for you . Why would your parents let this happen . Diane my therapist is rich. I tell you. My dad said it was the best education a person could have, traveling the world, seeing other cultures, experiencing autonomy as young as possible because in a way, of course they were very careful that Nothing Happened to me even though i was a runaway. I would run away sometimes. Stephen when you are on tour, you would run away . Diane it did happen one time in amsterdam. Stephen these things happen. Diane we performed in the ruins, that was the venue is chosen the ruins of persepolis. Lebanon. Where that us famous concert footage is. Mount etna insistently. Diane this fear in vegas . Diane one day it might be a ruin but lets not imagine that. Classic venues that id seen in history books in school. Stephen so youre 7 years old. Was there someplace that stuck with you all these years . Most magical are most arresting for you . Diane i think the ruins at baldock were pretty great. My hands were tethered by a rope. Two men were carrying a stick in my head was bouncing on every step, with the help but because i was playing dead. These greek tragedies, children get killed. That was my job. Stephen i alone live to tell the tale. Diane, wonderful to see you. Diane thank you for having me. Stephen the Season Finale of feud capote vs. The swans airs tomorrow on fx, and the entire season is available thursday on hulu. Diane lane, everybody. Well be right back with Patton Oswalt. [booth] im gonna be the most famous man in the whole world. [stanton] how does a wellknown actor murder the president. gunshot . And escape . I am tasking you with the capture of John Wilkes Booth. He is being protected by the confederacy. All of this can be broken devils spoke by Laura Marling [booth] god bless america. Type 2 diabetes . Discover the ozempic® trizone. I got the power of 3. I lowered my a1c, cv risk, and lost some weight. In studies, the majority of people reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. Im under 7. Ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as stroke, heart attack, or death in adults also with known heart disease. Im lowering my risk. Adults lost up to 14 pounds. I lost some weight. Ozempic® isnt for people with type 1 diabetes. 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Weve done your home work. luke now, that is worth celebrating brad i love it. luke thank you. brad home. Work. Very clever. vo ding dong luke vo homesdotcom. Leftover chicken, scallions, cheese. What am i gonna make with this . Mayow mayo . Mayow best foods . . You can talk . A Chicken Salad sandwich. God i love you. [ ] theres a way to cut your dishwashing time by 50 . Try dawn powerwash dish spray. It removes 99 of grease and grime in half the time. It cleans so well, you can replace multiple cleaning products. Try dawn powerwash. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the late show, already in progress. Folks, my next guest is an emmy and grammy awardwinning comedian you know from the king of queens, ratatouille, and his standup specials. Now you can see him in the new ghostbusters movie, ghostbusters frozen empire. Please welcome back to the late show, mr. Patton oswalt. [cheers and applause] lovely to see you again, Patton Oswalt. Its been a minute since youve been here. If im not mistaken the last time you are supposed to be here you had to cancel because you have the covid. Patton yes, i got the rona and i had to stay home. Stephen what if you been doing with your time . Patton too much. I so much or quite so much to promote today. Stephen we are in a president ial year and youre in a new series. Do not want to promote this one . Patton i thought you were going to talk about politics i got really scared for a second. Stephen no, ive done that already. Patton see the name of the series. Stephen manhunt. Patton manhunt. Stephen the hunt for the man who killed our 16th president , abraham lincoln. Patton wow. Stephen they just found out about linkedin. Patton all right. Stephen they dont know about kennedy yet. Patton its called manhunt, about the 12 days tracking down John Wilkes Booth. Stephen who is this bearded gentleman . Patton oh, good lord. I am playing lafayette baker, detective lafayette baker. Stephen real guy . Patton very real, very sketchy guy who was on the group that was trying to find John Wilkes Booth but was very, very, very aware of the reward money for catching him. So its like, how do i maybe get some of this money for myself . Might have messed with the investigation a little bit. Again, this show is about the panic with oh, my god. The president has been killed. What we do now question sometimes you have to rely on some sketchy people and that included me in a heavy beard and a union uniform in savannah, georgia, in august. Mwah stephen get a whiff of that. This is a tragic period in american history. You do your research. Was there anything about doing this that informs you a about that time or our country now . Patton its going to sound kind of grandma that its going to get hopeful so stay with me. Stephen hold on. Patton there you go. Its so clear that we are never ready for history. History always blindside us. You see this, you know, when this assassination happens and you realize although this is weirdly hopeful, we are always trying to catch up with history. Historyis always about eight or nine teps ahead of us. I think one of the things that makes America Great is that we are of every other country, we are the ones that are the most open to we are never going to actually catch up with his idea of what we want to be. We are always going to tweak it and trying to get to it. And that kind of makes it beautiful. Stephen a more perfect union. Patton you just said it, more perfect. More perfect means we are always in the process of pursuing it. We are not going to ever arrive there. But the process of pursuing it makes us better. We are never a finished country. Im going to quote darby crash from the germs but we are always forming. Its the american experiment and theres no final thesis statement. [cheers and applause] stephen you know about a lot of great scifi and fantasy franchises that have come down the pipe. You are part of one of the greatest of all time, ghostbusters. Ghostbusters frozen empire. Heres one of the original ghostbusters tweeting recently. In u. K. Working on ghostbusters, cracking a bottle to celebrate my day with comic genius Patton Oswalt. His stuff alone worth the price of admission. Dan aykroyd. How does that feel . [applause] a buster, blues brother. Patton a doctor from detroit. Thats one of those things that your brain is a community in your brain cant process it. That guy invented and made way. He invented the bassomatic. The level of insanity that fell out of that guys skull that ended up being the foundation for what my generation of commonly did, i cant properly react to that but just go oh, wow. Big deal. Stephen we have a scene here with you and dan. Patton i play a librarian at the New York Public Library and im explaining the origin and then dan takes over and explains the stakes of what were about to be up against. Youll see. Its great. And orb is a magical prism per phantom god. His plan was to raise an army of the undead and wage war on humanity by challenging fear into a weapon. The power to kill by fear itself. The cold shiver runs down your spine. Your veins turn to rivers of ice. Your bones crack. Your lungs cave, the last you see is your own tear ducts freezing up. Its so cool. [applause] stephen i cant think, its kind of a perfect part. Patton yes. Stephen you have to explain glyphs on an ancient orb, seems like what you are born for. Patton and info dump out of my skull was so much fun. Stephen when i looked at this photo of you as the civil war detective i thought, there he is in the beard buddies explaining to everybody in the room how the plot of tenet works. Patton its time travel but they are going backwards. Im trying to explain it and not doing a good job. Stephen ghostbusters, the movie is set in new york city. Does new york ever feel like home to you . Do you like it here . Patton i love visiting new york but i missed my window to live here. New york is such a great city if youre young and broke or if youre old and insanely rich. Stephen either take the suffering. Patton yes. Once youre in your mid30s to mid 40s, that suffering, in your 20s it makes you awesome. It just peels the skin off of you. I know that if i moved here, i would end up in union square barefoot playing backgammon with a ghost and talking to myself. Its too late. Stephen i would watch that film. Patton you know what. Say happy brothers, if youre watching, give us a call. Stephen this year marks the 30th anniversary of your premier as a professional actor. Is this really patton its how i got my sagaftra card. Stephen you in seinfeld with george. Patton look me. [applause] stephen what a great start. Patton whats happening is im a bundle of nerves and i had one line. Im sorry it doesnt work that way. I was sitting there just reading. I was enunciating every other word. Im sorry it doesnt work. Jason alexander could see how wound up i was and right before and my kind of old my career moving forward to jason for this. He leaned forward right before they said action and he went its not too late to be fired, patton. It made me laugh so hard and cut the tension. I will forever owe that guy. He knew exactly what i needed as a comedian. Stephen patton, lovely to see you. Lets not make it so long. Ghostbusters frozen empire opens in theaters friday, march 22nd. Manhunt premieres this friday on apple tv . Its Patton Oswalt. So many projects. Well be right back. You can make money the hard way as a bullfighter or a human cannonball. Or save money the easy way, with xfinity mobile. Existing customers can get a free line of our most popular unlimited plan for a year not only will you save hundreds but youll also be joining millions who have connected to americas most reliable 5g network. Sure is a lot safer than becoming a stuntman for money. Get a free line of unlimited intro for a year when you buy one unlimited line. Visit xfinitymobile. Com today to learn more. you made a cow actually its a piggy bank. My inspiration to start saving. How about a more solid way to save . Im listening. Well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward, every month you save. Both cash reward . And theres a cash bonus when you open a new Checking Account to get you started. Wow. Anything you cant do . mugs. Bmo stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be paul rudd and cecilia vega. Now stick around for after midnight with our friend Taylor Tomlinson. Good night taylor im Taylor Tomlinson and this is after midnight, a late night comedy game show that has some people asking is it .