I am for us. You know how you spell us, right . You spell us u. S. I just picked that up, has anybody thought of that before . I said, you know, you think about it, us equals u. S. U. Letter s. U. S. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, better late than never plus stephen welcomes jim gaffigan, and musical guest caroline polachek, featuring louis cato and the late show band and now live on tape from. Sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen thanks for being here please have a seat, everybody. Welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the late show. I am your host Stephen Colbert for the last three weeks, the house gop has repeatedly humiliated itself with its inability to do even the simplest legislative function pick a speaker of the house, proving themselves to be not so much a legislative body, but a flaming bag of poop left on the capitols doorstep. But today was the piece de resisstupid. After multiple rounds of voting, the gop narrowed their choices from 8 candidates down to one nominee minnesota congressman tom emmer, seen here saying, cmon, you fellas wouldnt screw me over like you did to the last two identical guys according to people i pay to care, emmer is the House Majority whip. He sits on the Financial Services committee, and perhaps most notably, he got two duis, then sponsored legislation to lower the legal penalties that face accused drunk drivers. A little selfserving. He also introduced h. R. 2435 that mailbox was already knocked down. But tom emmers enduring legacy will always be that hes the guy from this covidera zoom meeting in this House Committee during covid19, receiving time and time again. Im sorry, mr. Amer, are you okay . I am. You are upside down, tom. I dont know how to fix that. Stephen he continued, full disclosure, ive been drinking, so i dont know how to fix this. Hold up, i just gotta drive over to the genius bar. So maybe not the perfect candidate, but at least the republicans were this close to having a functioning government, which is, of course, Donald Trumps mortal enemy. So, this afternoon, he truthed i have many wonderful friends wanting to be speaker of the house, and some are truly great warriors. Rino tom emmer, who i do not know well, is not one of them. Ohhhh, so close obviously, that eliminated the chances for tom emmer. But, has donald trump ever met emmer tom . Mr. President , its much easier for me to smooch your butt from this angle. Shortly thereafter, tom emmer that actually made me a little dizzy. Shortly thereafter, tom emmer dropped out of the speaker race farewell, tom emmer. You will be googled. At this point, id call the gop a clown car, but clowns go to college. [laughter] so what now . With emmers ouster, there is, all of a sudden, a lot of mikejohnsonwillbespeaker buzz. You know what that means theres someone named mike johnson, and he will never be speaker. Who is mike johnson . Why its louisiana congressman and cardboard cutout at the lenscrafters, mike johnson. Johnson is an ultraconservative republican who, back in 2018, was involved in gop efforts to overhaul the endangered species act. Which is why hes promised that if republicans give him the gavel, he will use it to club jam it in a dolphins blowhole. But it turns out, as im saying these words, theyre holding a repeat of last nights closeddoor candidate jamboree, and today we got some insight into what that questioning is like. What kind of question . Favorite colors. Your geological sign. Things like that. [laughter] stephen geological sign . Im actually an igneous rising with a sedimentary moon. [cheers and applause] so i wish the g. O. P. Lots of luck in their fun, fun night tonight. Oh, another day, another trump codefendant has flipped. This time its down in georgia, and its former trump lawyer jenna ellis, seen here living her best mugshot. Thats three Trump Lawyers in one week which leads us to americas favorite new game show who. Flips. Next . We dont know, but whoever it is, tell em what they win johnny. Probation instead of hard time. A lifetime of shame that you cant scrub off. And this dinette set from roy hill. Roy hill, you are too pretty for jail. Back to you, steve. Stephen thank you, johnny. Among other things, ellis joined Rudy Giuliani in asking georgia lawmakers to violate their oaths of office by appointing fake electors. And in georgia, that oath is sacred. You place your hand on a stack of allman brothers records, and solemnly declare watch this yall yeehaww after entering her guilty plea, ellis gave a tearful speech and took full responsibility by blaming others. I relied on others including lawyers with many more years of experience to provide me with true and reliable information. If i knew then, what i know now, i would decline to represent donald trump in these postelection alliances. Stephen i bet she regrets representing donald trump and trusting those other lawyers. Especially this famous outburst from giulianis legal briefs. I will ask that he be disciplined for that. Stephen we did not make that up. We do not change that. Now we know why she was crying in court. Her eyes are still burning. While the trials are going on, trump is still out there proving to the American People he can be trusted once again with the launch codes. Yesterday, he held a rally in new hampshire, and made an incredible discovery onstage. Im for us. You know how you spell us, right . You spell us, u. S. I just pick that up. Has anyone ever thought of that . I just pick that up. A couple of days i am reading and it said us. And i said, you know, if you think about it, us equals u. S. You ever thought about that . You ever heard this word assume . You know what they say, never assume anything, because it makes your ass yumme. [laughter] dont do it. Thats true, thats math. I just picked that up. Also realized that god spelled backwards is dog, im the first guy to notice that. Pretty ironic because i hate dogs and im proof theres no god. Mom spelled backwards mom, upside down wow then trump weighed in on the attorneys that flipped on him in the Georgia Election fraud case if you want to challenge the result of an election, they how do you. Look what happened this week and with two good people. They hound them and they scare them, but we dont get scared, we dont get scared. I will tell you what. I dont mind being Nelson Mandela. Stephen no, no, no. I also dont mind him being Nelson Mandela specifically, the part when he goes to jail for 27 years. [cheers and applause] then he revealed his plan to win the most votes in 2024 keep everybody from voting. We had a little election that went astray. So we have to be careful. You have to get out there and you have to watch those voters. You dont have to vote. Dont worry about voting. We have plenty of votes. Stephen really . Weve got plenty of votes . It is possible that next year, both candidates could have the same slogan dont vote for donald trump. Is this in the same speech . Trump trotted out some more of that oldtime fascism when he praised a european strongman. You know, i was very honored as a man. Viktor orban, did anyone ever hear of him . Probably one of the strongest leaders anywhere in the world. He is the leader of turkey. Stephen okay. Okay, small detail, viktor orban is actually the Prime Minister of hungary. At this point, trump is just free associating. I was very hungary and i wanted some turkey, maybe with a little chile, not too much greece. And a cold glass of fiji water with a slice of yemen meringue pie. Theres some news from italy, and it concerns italian Prime Minister and mom considering making a break for it during the intermission at the frozen musical, giorgia meloni. Meloni just split with her boyfriend of ten years after he was caught asking a woman if she wanted to have a foursome. when some guy moons your eye while hes lickin your thigh, thatsafourway. The scandal emerged after melonis partner, tv presenter Andrea Giambruno was caught on tape propositioning a colleague. In the exchange, he says listen, i wanted to tell you something. Do you want to join our group . Will you join our working group . When the woman says yes, he adds you have to give us something in return. My expertise . The woman cheekily replies, to which giambruno says, you have to do threesomes or foursomes with us we [bleep]. Sounds more romantic in italian. [laughter] but it does remind me of that scene from love actually. [laughter] weve got a great show for you tonight, my guest is jim gaffigan. But when we come back, i talk science [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by progressive insurance. Round out your protection for life, phone, and pet health insurance. We made it bmo has arrived. Hello . You said it. Hello to more ways to save money, grow your wealth, grow your business. Just what we needed, another big bank. Not so fast. How many banks do you know that reward you for saving every month . Hes got a good point. Did i mention bmo has more feefree atms than the two largest us banks combined . Uh, bmo . Just beemo, actually. Quick question, will all this stuff fit in your car . should i get rid of the mug . Bmo [cheers and applause] stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Thats the band, say hello to the band, everybody louis, you have a musical caucus over there, right . There is never a struggle for power . Its on the first ballot. Louis i would say so. Stephen you have to watch your back sometimes postmark you dont think joe is gunning for you . Louis no, Everybody Loves everybody. Stephen same thing for the g. O. P. , they both just love each other over there. Speaking of love, just a lovely gentleman, one of my favorite guests to have on, and just a funny individual. Mr. Jim gaffigan is going to be out here. [cheers and applause] and thats the name of that tune. Folks, i love science. Except test tubes. Theyre lying to you. Theyre not really tubes at all theyre tall, skinny cups and i like to bring you all the latest science news in my longrunning segment the sound of science hello, science, my old friend stephen did it used to be longer . They wont tell me. First up, researchers say a new look at otzi the icemans dna has revealed new ancestry and other surprises. For instance, otzi didnt have ancestors from the caspian steppe as previously thought and that otzi was balding. Reached for comment, otzi added, thanks. Any other flattering insights . Does my dna say i sucked in the sack . And how about we blur my junk for tv . Thank you. And yes, its not impressive, but i was inside a glacier for 4000 years. Next up, in genetics news, scientists have used the gene editing system crispr to make chickens more resistant to bird flu. That makes sense. Very hard for a chicken to get the flu once youve run em through the crisper. [laughter] next up on soundsci, researchers have apparently been studying how to knock an elephant off balance. The research will soon be published in the International Journal of being dicks to megafauna. [laughter] the researchers found that elephants rely on visual cues to maintain consistent timing of their strides, and blindfolds throw the elephants off. Well yeah we all know how bad elephants are at hitting a pinata. Put a blindfold on the elephant. Why . Just do it. It will be funny. Next up, new research into fossils shows that around 13,000 years ago, humans and fire changed las ecosystem forever. And to this day, humans and fire is still the city motto. Next up, beer its like if pepsi came bread flavored. Scientists say the Climate Crisis will make europes beer cost more and taste worse and issues with growing hops might cause beer to become much more bitter. But all that extra bitterness will help the taste of divorced dad pale ale. You know their slogan im actually doing really well. Next up, scientists are trying to answer the question, can a. I. Crave a favorite food . By using a novel electronic tongue. Id love to see that grant application. Need novel electronic tongue for taste bud science stuff. Definitely not for kissing practice. [laughter] [applause] next up, 6,000yearold sandals found in a spanish cave are europes oldest shoes, dating to the mesolithic period. Which means experts could be on the verge of identifying the earliest known dad to wear sandals with socks. [laughter] its comfortable. Next up, Scientists Say that a toxin found in spider venom could help with erectile dysfunction. And im being told we have actual footage of this spider bite boner venom taking effect [cheers and applause] and finally, a new study says that cannibalistic europeans likely ate their dead at funerals 15,000 years ago instead of burying them then used their remaining bones as cups. Explains all those primitive novelty mugs that say worlds best dad. Literally, this was my dad until next time, this has been. The sound of science well be right back with jim gaffigan. [cheers and applause] with boost infinite, get iphone 15 pro with titanium and save up to 40 on your monthly bill. Transcend to a wireless utopia and experience americas smart network. With unparalleled coverage from three of the nations top wireless networks. No tradein needed to get iphone 15 pro with titanium on us. Save up to 40 on your monthly bill and enjoy the latest iphone every year with unlimited wireless. To give your teeth a dentist clean feeling. Start with a round brush head. Add power. And youve got oralb. 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Great on their own, even better together. Try cretors, handcrafted smallbatch popcorn. [cheers and applause] stephen look at that welcome back, ladies and gentlemen my guest is a comedian who released his 10th standup special and is currently on his barely alive comedy tour. Please welcom back to the late show, jim gaffigan. [cheers and applause] hello, buddy jim good to see you [cheers and applause] thank you thank you. Oh, my god. They mean that stephen exactly america sweetheart, jim gaffigan. Beloved jim gaffigan. Jim it so nice to be here. Stephen how have you been the last time since june . We have not spoken since you blew up dinner. Jim even recently there so much dramatic i think probably the biggest thing was since i have seen you pat sajak retiring. You know what i mean . Stephen thats true. Jim i mean, you can see how stunned they are. Stephen and now there is a power vacuum. Jim he has a host of wheel of fortune, but is there anything pat sajak cant do . You know, hosted wheel of fortune, he is he is he is like a renaissance man. And im sure he is a sweet person. I dont want to be mean, but i do love wheel of fortune and i am not 80. But i do love it. And i wish i was there when he announced his retirement. Because he is a quality guy. He probably gathered everyone from the wheel of fortune family together and its like i have done this for a couple of decades, but i have to retire. Because i wouldve stood up and said, you know, this is not a real job. You dont get to retire from playing hangman. You know . The appropriate thing to do is to apologize and give back all the money. [laughter] because stephen would you want the gig . Its sitting right there. Who would not want this man . To take over for pat sajak, first ballot. Jim i think they arty have someone, but thank you. No, he did it right. Pat sajak, you know how much you made a year . 17 million stephen and they shot them all out in like two weeks . Jim he did not even have to turn the letters, you know what i mean . He makes 17, she made three, which is not fair. Obviously they both should make nothing, you know what i mean . But the good news is is that pat sajak, i read this in an article, he is continuing on as a consultant. [laughter] not really sure what consulting work there is on wheel of fortune. Any new letters today . [laughter] and theyre like, no, no. All right, well, i will be in my office. And im sure he has a great guy. So im not criticizing. Stephen it does not sound like it. I understand to you and your lovely wife just had a nice anniversary, which anniversary was this one . Jim 20 years. Stephen congratulations, thats a big one. 20. Jim its bananas. And i dont know if anyone has been married for that length of time, but its 20, but it feels like 80. You know what i mean . I am joking. Its amazing. But like i mentioned, we are still in the thick of it. We were able to go out to dinner, but you know, we stole a couple of hours, but we also understand thats what we have to do, because we made the mistake of having kids. [laughter] stephen it is a mistake. So you have five kids. Still five . Jim still five. Yeah, they dont leave. Thats the problem. But parenting gets progressively harder. Thats what they dont tell anyone when you have a baby. It would be inappropriate if they were like, congratulations, its going to get really hard. You know and i mean . So as a parent, you have to figure it out. And when you have a baby, youre like oh, they are so fragile and independent, you think that this must be the hard part. And its not the hard part. Then you have a toddler and its chaos and they are screaming at Grocery Stores and they are almost accidentally killing themselves and you think, oh, this must be the hard part. And then the child becomes a teenager and most parents are like, oh, this whole thing was a mistake. [laughter] you know what i mean . Stephen they have opinions. Jim parenting is the only thing you can do for 13 years, 13 years and then it gets super hard. You know what i mean . Its like a cruel joke. God is just up there laughing at us. He is like, these people probably think they are pretty good at parenting. Watch this. Cue the hormones. Stephen i like people that say that their child is in the terrible twos, and i always know its their first child, because the second child, you know what three is like. Terrible twos are fine. Because the threes are just as terrible and they are much stronger. Jim it is really hard, and we have a lot of kids, and by the way, i fully admit that my wife has it harder. But this whole thing is kind of her faults. You know what i mean . I mean, these children did not come out of my body. [laughter] in a way, they are not even my kids. You know what i mean . Stephen in a way, you can go out for a pack of smokes. Jim i dont want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but the whole sperm fertilizing the egg thing, ive never seen that in person. Ive seen a simulation like landing on the moon. Men should be suspicious. Its like a woman discovers shes going to become apparent, that men are told. You know, men find out they are going to be a dad the same way they learn they have a terminal illness. Stephen a doctor tells them. Jim someone comes up and says you should sit down. Stephen we have to take a little bit of a break. But we will be right back with more jim gaffigan, everybody stick around. Is it menopause or Something Else . Why dont i feel like myself . Could this be menopause . Whats happening to me . The menopause journey has stages. Learn about yours with clearblue menopause stage indicator. That tracks your fsh hormone levels. Combining them with your cycle data. The more you learn about your stage. The better prepared you can be. Clearblue menopause stage indicator. 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Stephen last week hey, look at this coming you can see him on his barely alive tour. We are back with mr. Jim gaffigan. Moms and dads, it can be a different job at times. Do you appreciate it as a dad . Jim i think that generally dads are under appreciated. Thats not to say that, obviously moms, the reality is the mom is the hero of the story. The hero of the story. And, you know, but when people become famous, they buy their mom a house. They dont even invite the dad to live there. You know what i mean . Dads are kind of like the backup quarterback in the nfl. You are on the team, but you are not the star, you know what i mean . And on the rare occasion you are brought into the game, people are nervous. You know . [laughter] stephen you are a little overpaid . Jim they are good for up player two, but they are like one is the starter coming back . Stephen how did you meet . Jim we met in our neighborhood at the time in a korean bodega, or korean market, it was a korean store. And it was probably at midnight, and i was going i did not have any confidence around women until my early 30s, and i was probably like 33, and i saw this very attractive woman and i started talking to her, who is my wife. And i said, have i met you before . And she said, yeah, i have met you numerous times. And like i said, oh, you know, we are probably going to get married. And she said, i doubt it. And so i asked her out, and she was like, no. But she gave me her aol aim instant message thing. But we went out on a date and then coming out, i lived across from this church that i had never gone into, and my wife is, athletic, and i ended up not only getting married at that church, but all of my kids were baptized and confirmed in that church. And its right around the corner from this korean deli, and so, we got married and that church and then we walked and got pictures at the korean deli with stephen where you met . Is that what this is . I was trying to figure out why i had these. That is fantastic. All i like this guy a lot. All your maid of honor. Jim but thats where new yorkers camino coming you just love your sense of community and neighborhood stuff where as with new york its like, i remember when jeannie and i would go to the same deli and you know, she would have a late night craving, and when i was poor money, i went in there and i robbed them. You know . Its new york. Stephen one stop, so convenient. We have to take another little break here. But please stick around. Thats jim gaffigan. You are going to want more [cheers and applause] shrimp its another ultimate endles flavor drop with new tequila lime shrimp one of seven endless choices right now, only at red lobster welcome to fun dining honey. Honey. Nyquil severe honey. Powerful cold and flu relief with a dreamy honey taste. Nyquil honey, the nighttime, sniffing, sneezing, couging, aching, fever, honeylicious, best sleep with a cold, medicine. 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The alwayson, odorfighting air freshener you set and forget. No outlets used, no batteries needed, no effort required. So your bathroom stays continuously fresh for 45 days. Thats the power of febreze small spaces. [cheers and applause] stephen hey, everybody, look at that its sir jim gaffigan. You are an example, both of you, because you write with jeannie, so youre both comedians. Did you have that example like from your parents . What role did say your mom play in becoming a comedian . Jim i was the youngest of six kids, but like the impact of my mother on you know, making my mom laugh was probably the most powerful i ever felt. So i was one of those things where i remember specific moments just getting her to laugh. And thats not to say that she was depressed or anything, but it was just like a pretty important achievement. And i remember even when i was in my early 20s and i would call home and my first car i had bought, i did not, i dont know anything about cars, so essentially never replace the oil, and i just drove the car into the ground. And so i called home and i was explaining this to my mom and my dad. And my mom was just laughing so hard. And what it was getting to us asking for money. And she was laughing about that too. So it was like the ability to make her laugh was something that you know, particularly when i was complaining i thought, oh, wow, this is a strange unique thing. And then when my mother passed away in my early 20s, i mean, it was pretty devastating, but i think thats where standup kind of, stand up as my mom. No, i think that stand up replace that you know, that endorphin rush of getting that feedback and i dont know how to articulate it, but its pretty amazing. I remember i used to do impressions of my dad, my dad was a very kind of an intimidating figure. Like if you met him today, he is not around, but if you met them coming you would be like he is perfectly fine. But to me he was this intimidating figure. And im the baby. So i was doing an impression, which my mom loved and all of my siblings loved. So its so strange, because when my First Television appearance, which was carolines comedy hour, the whole set was complaining about my father and doing an impression of my father, and now all of my stand up its just complaining about my kids. [laughter] so it has come full circle. Stephen i dont want to put you on the spot, can i hear what your dad sounded like . Jim well, Stephen Colbert, sounds french. I dont know. You know why, jimmy carter carries around a turkey . Spare parts. [laughter] so he was unintentionally funny. So there was that influence, but he was and humor is a big deal in it was a big deal in my family growing up, and it is a big deal even in the family, the chaos that i have created with my wife. Stephen would you want your kids to jim my son jack has open for me many times. He is the second eldest. And he is 201 of the funniest people i know, and he does things that are so funny, but brutally like during the lockdown, as we all were locked down, you look at your family and your like im going to kill everyone in this family. And there was a moment where my son, kids just know the buttons to press. And so he invented this song where he was like, the mom rules the house, that dad is the mouse, we all live in fear so like wildly inappropriate, right . And it just kind of sums up the dynamic of tension. So what he would do after that is he would never sing the song, he would just hum it. [laughter] so we will be at dinner. And he would be like [homing] and its so brilliant. Stephen thats wonderful. Do you steal jokes from your kids . Jim there have definitely been ideas. Observations like where they dont know they are coming up with yeah, i will steal from them. Why not . They are not contributing. You know what i mean . Stephen more than pat sajak. Jim the great pat sajak. Stephen did you hear that . Dont say that. Jim i get nervous, im sure he is a great guy. And i dont want to just pile on some guy. Stephen pat, come on out [cheers and applause] that would be a good talk show. So jim, its always exciting to see you on stage. But now here on your barely alive comedy tour. And i understand you are headlining a few cities with a guy named Jerry Seinfeld . Jim yeah its like, you know, i think that its important to give back. And to help comedians that are struggling, you know what i m mean . Like maybe people dont know, but Jerry Seinfeld, you probably dont know who he is. He is, he has something. Like i feel like people, i feel like america would like him. You know and i mean . And so jerry and i are doing some shows. He is also serving as my assistant. [laughter] and im just going to show him some of the ropes. Stephen what are you expecting from being out there with him . Jim you know, i dont know how long or how often he has been on stage, but i think by the end we are just doing four markets and i might fire him. But, no, but oh stephen we are always looking for good people if you want to send them over here. Jim i think if people wanted to see Jerry Seinfeld, lets bring jerry out no [cheers and applause] lets bring jerry and pat sajak out. Stephen we keep on imagining much better talk show than i have tonight. All i have is jim gaffigan. Jim but this is us talking about going to dinner, it sounds like but with Jerry Seinfeld and was stand up, its like we have been talking about touring together since before the pandemic. So it was one of those things where we were like because we love to just talk comedy and craft and stuff like that. So that some of why we are doing the shows it so that we can hang out and just nerd out to. You know what i mean . Stephen thats really pleasant. Well, jim, thank you for being here. Lovely to see you. Give my best to jeannie. Tickets to his barely alive tour are on sale now, and you can watch dark pale on prime. Its jim gaffigan, everybody well be right back with a performance by carolin polachek. [cheers and applause] we made it bmo has arrived. Hello . You said it. Hello to more ways to save money, grow your wealth, grow your business. Just what we needed, another big bank. Not so fast. How many banks do you know that reward you for saving every month . Hes got a good point. Did i mention bmo has more feefree atms than the two largest us banks combined . Uh, bmo . Just beemo, actually. Quick question, will all this stuff fit in your car . should i get rid of the mug . Bmo stephen performing her new single dang caroline polachek. Pull up like a shipwreck in reverse yeah i do, yeah i do maybe its forever maybe its just shampoo dang mary poppins open up a purse like i do whos the greatest sipping on chartreuse dang its a shame i spilt the milk on the bed its my face, its just base, with the cheeks turning red dadadada dang ahdadadada dang ahdadadada dang tell me more dadadada dang ahdadadada dang ahdadadada dang tell me more always running late but, boy, im on time for you yeah, i do careful what you wish for cause it might just come true dang its a shame, yeah its a shame i spilled the milk on the bed its my face its just a face, yeah with the cheeks turnin red aah ahahahahahahah, ahah, ah dang dadadada dang ahdadadada dang ahdadadada dang tell me more dadadada dang ahdadadada dang dadadada dang ahdadadada dang ahdadadada dang tell me more dadadada dang ahdadadada dang dadadada dang ahdadadada dang [cheers and applause]