Transcripts For KPIX The 20240703

Hmm announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight. Burning down the house. First, stephen welcomes Anderson Cooper. And musical guest japanese breakfast. Featuring louis cato and the late show band. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert [cheers and applause] stephen hey thanks, everybody. Welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. The nation is still reeling from yesterdays big story about former speaker of the house Kevin Mccarthy, seen here saying, hello, monsterdotcom . After just 9 months of sucking at his job, mccarthy was stripped of the gavel by eight members of his own party. To make it even worse, this all happened and this is true on national kevin day. [laughter] [applause] theres a national kevin. Today is, of course and, again, this is true is National Taco day and National Vodka day. Tacos and vodka. Or as Kevin Mccarthy called them this morning breakfast. Following the vote, a defeated mccarthy held a press conference that can only be described as one hour long. Just would not end. And he started like this. President Abraham Lincoln once said im an optimist because i dont see any other way. Stephen is he sure thats really from lincoln and not a crocheted pillow on etsy . As Winston Churchill famously said, its wine oclock somewhere. mccarthy also waxed nostalgic about his start in politics. I opened up the local paper. It said be a summer intern in washington, d. C. , with my local congressman. I did not know this man, but i thought hed be lucky to have me so i applied. And you know what he did . He turned me down. But you want to know the end of the story . I got elected to the seat i couldnt get an internship for. I ended up being the 55th speaker of the house. Stephen turns out, thats actually not the end of the story. Id love to see Kevin Mccarthy do movie recaps. Titanic beautiful boat. So cool that its unsinkable. Cant wait to see what hijinks jack and rose get up to in the sequel remember, remember. The only reason eight republicans were able to get rid of mccarthy is that, back when he was struggling after 15 failed votes to get enough votes to become speaker, the hardliners got mccarthy to agree to a rule that allows any one lawmaker to call up a vote to eject him. So mccarthy cant blame anybody but himself. Is what i thought. I think today was a political decision by the democrats. Stephen really . You handed a straight razor to the craziest, most selfish nihilists in the entire maga mob and said, hold this to my neck and if i say or do one thing you dont like, just slice away. And youre blaming the democratats . Remindnds me of ththat iconicc e in jajaws. This wawas a polititical decn frfrom the dememocrats [cheers and applause] stephen but he had a lot of blame for a lot of people that arent him, which led one cnn commentator to give his press conference this review. I just kept thinking about Michael Jordans hall of fame speech from a few years ago. He just went after everybody throughout his entire life who ever did him wrong. And it seemed like mccarthy was circling around to the same thing. Stephen thats a perfect comparison. If Michael Jordan had been the worst basketball player of all time. And had been cut nine months in to his career at unc. Yesterdays slide down chaos mountain into insanity river at he bottom of dumbass canyon was sherpaed by one man, florida republican. [booing] and bobs big boy who sells molly in the club bathroom, matt gaetz. Despite getting exactly what he asked for, gaetz was in a reflective mood. The stages of grief i think are in progress right now with some of my colleagues. I think there was a stage of denial. And ive certainly experienced a good amount of their anger, and now we appear to be headed toward bargaining. Stephen it is so, so rare to get lectured about grief by the murderer. There, there. Shh, let it out. Its healthy to cry. By the way, do you have a tarp i can roll your corpse up in . Thats him, not me. Thats him. [cheering] gaetz isnt wrong, though. His colleagues are definitely gopeeved, including louisiana rep and john boehner rookie card, garret graves. Graves went after gaetz for sending fundraising texts while he was in the act of attacking his own party. I keep wondering what is going on . And all of a sudden, my phone keeps sending text messages, text messages, saying hey, give me money. Oh, look at that. Oh, look. Give me money. I filed the motion to vacate. Using official actions, official actions to raise money. Its disgusting stephen and if you think its disgusting, send 10 today to disgustingpac you know our slogan ew this slogan sucks come on come on give me your money [cheering] so mad at my coat but gaetz didnt back down from his proud douchery. When it comes to how those raise money, i take no lecture on asking patriotic americans to weigh in and contribute to this fight from those who would grovel and bend knee for the lobbyists and special interests who own our leadership. [booing from chamber] oh, boo all you want. Stephen okay. Booooooooo [audience booing] that was very generous. Meanwhile over in the senate, even the g. O. P. Are mocking the dysfunction in the house. Take, for instance, louisiana senator john kennedy, who said this. I got a new strapon harness today. I cant wait to put it on you. It will fit my favorite dildo perf stephen sorry, wrong clip sorry actually, not sorry. But still, wrong clip. I meant to show you this one from yesterday. I dont have a lot of advice for my house colleagues, other than this. Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. I would also advise all of my house colleagues to be sure and take their meds. Stephen cause youre gonna need em after you see my new strapon. Its beautiful. The point is, its a hot mess, mccarthys out, and he was immediately replaced by acting speaker the star of old sheldon, patrick mchenry. You of course remember Patrick Mchenrys famous quote. Give me liberty, or give me mcdeath last night, mchenry stepped up to the speakers podium and showed just how he intends to wield that gavel. The chair declares the house in recess subject to the call of the chair. Stephen damn. That boy brought the hammer down. I wonder why. Jim, is there any more to that footage . Chair declares the houston recess subject to the call of the chair. [video game jingle] stephen thats nice oh, he won a minion but heres the thing. Mchenry wont be speaker for long. When Congress Gets back in session, theyll hold a new speakership election. Right now, the top contenders are guys youd expect. House majority leader Steve Scalise and judiciary chair jim jordan. [booing] but theyre facing potential challengers like House Majority whip tom emmer and oklahoma representative kevin hern, who are known by the collective name, huuuhh . Now, it might not be any of those guys. Because, according to the constitution, the speaker of the house doesnt technically have to be a sitting member of congress. So, naturally, like a turd in a hot tub, one name has floated to the surface. According to fox news, House Republicans are trying to draft trump as speaker. Dont worry. But theres no way trump can be drafted. Hes got the bone spurs. The former president himself weighed in today, and hes not ruling it out. A lot of people have been calling me about speaker. All i can say is well do whatever is best for the country. Stephen oh, well, then slather yourself in honey and let the fire ants have at you. [cheering] republicans arent the only ones dealing with chaos. Theres also a scandal brewing in the white house. Because we just learned that bidens dog bit a secret service officer. Thats right. We have breaking news. Dog bites man its not the first time bidens dog, commander, has had the taste for human flesh. This is believed to be the 11th such incident since he entered the white house. What does commander have against the president s bodyguards . Jim, do we have a picture of the secret service age okay, that makes sense. Bad choice for a bodyguard. There may be another explanation for commanders antilaw enforcement bias, because, according to experts, its possible commander is biting secret Service Agents because of their unfriendly expressions. Huh. I dont know why they wouldnt look friendlier. They have such a nice life. All right, welcome aboard basically, your job is to stand around in silence until its your turn to jump in front of a bullet. And dont forget to smile or that dog will bite your nards off. Okay . Keep it light. He smells fear. And nards. In another incident, an agent said that he felt the need to hoist up the chair he was sitting on to use as a shield when commander began barking at him from the top of a white house staircase. You can see it all in the classic thriller, in the line of fur. We got a great show for you tonight my guest is Anderson Cooper. But when we come back, my tech segment, cyborgasm. Stay close. Announcer the late show with Stephen Colbert sponsored by olay body heres why you should switch from chrome to duckduckgo. Duckduckgo is a b browser y you downloaoad to your r mo and desktop devicices. Unlike chchrome, the ducuckduckgo brbrowser h has privacycy builtin. N i it comes s with a p private altlternative to gogoogle searcrch, whichch doesn■t s spy onon your sesearches, andnd it blocksks cookies and creeeepy ads. A and theress no catctch itits free. We mamake money f from ads, but t they dont t follolow you arouound. Join the m millions ofof peope takingng back theieir privacy by dodownloading g duckduckg on n mobile andnd desktop t to stephen ladies and gentlemen, louis cato and the late show band. Very excited, very excited. In just a little while, coming out here to sit in that cherry there is a gentleman that i have the pleasure and the honor of interviewing since 2005. Back when we used to call him the silver surfer of cable news. Mr. Anderson cooper will be out here just a moment. A new book, talking about everything going down in washington, d. C. Folks, if you know me, and you do. My life is an open book. You know i love tech. Look at this. Thanks to the wizards of silicon valley, i hold in the palm of my hand a digital gateway to all the worlds knowledge with more Computing Power than launched the apollo missions, which i use to watch a sleeping dad get bit on the nuts by a chihuahua. [laughs] you got him, chico and i like to bring you all the latest tech news in my tech segment cyborgasm. [groaning] [cheers and applause] theres no right answer. Therefore here is no wrong answer. First up, iphone 15 pro users are reporting that their phones are overheating. To which Android Users replied, well, well, well. Who has the lame phone now . Still us . Okay. Next up, tom hanks recently took to instagram to post this still from an ad with his face, saying beware theres a video out there promoting some dental plan with an a. I. Version of me. I have nothing to do with it. Well, clearly. Clearly, thats a fake. If youre promoting dental care, you dont go with tom hanks. Youd go with joe biden. Listen. [applause] i dont know why people say hes old. Those teeth arent old enough to vote. Up next, in los angeles, privacy advocates are up in arms after an uber eats delivery bot shared video footage with the lapd. Well, im mad too. I dont need my food delivery robot dropping a dime on me. Open up weve obtained footage of you ordering five crunchwrap supremes. Were declaring your bathroom a crime scene. [cheers and applause] dont reward jokes like that. Well only write more of them. Apparently, uber uses the robots of a Company Called Serve Robotics and the footage that uber eats gave to the cops was part of a criminal investigation that involved one of serves own robots because someone tried to steal the delivery bot off the street. Lemme get this straight. You sent a 5,000 robot full of food into the streets of los angeles and someone tried to take it . Huh. This is terrible news for the new high tech startup take a 20 leave a 20 bot. So convenient. You need a 20 . Next up, on the gasm, San Francisco has become the epicenter of testing driverless cabs, which has led to a steamy new phenomenon. Apparently san franciscans are having sex in the robotaxis. Reminds me of one of my favorite songs. If youre going to San Francisco be sure to [bleep] in a robocar [cheers and applause] stephen it was a simpler time. Next, new york mayor eric adams unveiled a twomonth Pilot Program for a robot that will patrol the new york city subway. And to pay for the program, theyve trained it to go from car to car breakdancing on the poles. Its showtime anyway, cool robot. I hope it cuts down on crime. One note you shaped it like a urinal. How do you think this story ends . [cheering] up next, fitbit has announced the new charge 6 with google smarts. Is it smart enough to understand what any of those words mean . That headline might as well have read tech flip grid boxed wifi soup shampoo. Up next, coke has launched a new drink cocreated with a. I. Intended to evoke the flavors of the year 3000. Really . Pretty sure the flavors of the year 3000 are going to be cockroaches and tire fire. Apparently cocacola created the drink to draw in genz consumers and named it cocacola y3000 this has got to be the lamest attempt to by a beverage to appeal to young people since taytaytorade. According to one reviewer, cocacolas new aigenerated soda flavor falls flat and, quote, is bad. Dont drink it. Okay, not cool. Thats already the slogan for coors light. Well be right back with Anderson Cooper get the new iphone 15 pro with t titanium frfrom boost i infinite and trtranscend to a a wireless s utopia. The new w titanium i iphone 1o on us, witith no trtradein neeeeded. Infininitely betteter. The e right age e for neutrogegena® retininol . Thatats whenenever yoyou want it t to be. Itit has dermmproven retetil that targegets vitatal cell tururnover, evens skskin tone, and smooths finene lines. Withth visible r results in just onone week. Neututrogena® r retinol [traffic noise] [text message] lets ace this thing i got you coffee. Oh my god, what . You literally read my mind. Got you, girl. Yo man erally read my mind. That looks really high. woman it is high. Whenever you are ready. man are there any snakes . woman nope. man are you sure . Here we go vo its time to push your limits. man okay. woman youre doing great man oh, is that a buffalo . woman babe, thats a cow. vo the allnew Subaru Crosstrek wilderness. Adventure on the edge. Ugh, i ill deal with thihis tomorrowow. You wowont. Its r ripe in herere. My e eyes are wawatering. Look howow crusty ththis is. Ugh, its s just too m much. Not with t this. Good advdvice. When stainins and odorors pile, itss got to bebe tide. Stephen welcome back thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, my friends. Folks. [cheering] ladies and gentlemen. My guest tonight is a cnn anchor and a New York Times bestselling author. Please welcome back to the late show Anderson Cooper. [cheers and applause] nice to see you. Speak to welcome back. Stephen it feels like im back. I am talking to Anderson Cooper. This is a we do. Speak to its great tacit link to watch in late may. Ive been going to bed at like 9 30 every night. Stephen i watch you when i get home at night. I record you. The handoff, i watch a little anderson. Anderson the show is not called the anderson prelost a little credibility. Stephen insiders call it the anderson. You are a perfect guide have right now because things are crazy. Anderson it is a bit of a shandagas. Stephen ill mix one. When kevin was pulled out, i had a schadengasm. Anderson is that an orgasm of schadenfreude . My son is here, by the way. Hes backstage. Stephen he is learning german. Very international. Youre an expert explainer. Explain to us how big a deal this is. Anderson what . Stephen Kevin Mccarthy losing the speakership. Anderson its the only time its ever happened in american history, 200 some odd years of our democracy. Its pretty crazy. Stephen weve got another 15 minutes of interview. If you could spread that. Never happened before. Next. [laughter] mechanically, what is the upshot . Can anything be done in congress until there is a new speaker . Anderson no. Theres a crisis. So what they did is they took a week off. Stephen Justice Center . Anderson yeah. Theres probably a lot of yoga retreats going on. A lot of people reflecting deeply. They got out of town. They went back to their districts. Their fundraising. Those who do that sort of stuff all the time. Yeah, theyll come back tuesday. I think theyll have a conference and discuss. People can put their hat in the ring and make a speech to the republicans and i think wednesday theyll maybe go to a vote. Stephen according to the people that youre talking to, if youve asked this question, is this idea that a nonmember of congress such as Donald John Trump could become speaker. Is that a reality . Anderson by rules, you dont have to be a member. It seems highly unlikely. The clip you played of the former president talking about, people are talking about me as possible speaker, thats at a courthouse. New york that he was making that statement. Where hes on trial for fraud. Stephen where i believe not only is he on trial for fraud, he has already been found guilty of fraud. Now its just how much does he have to pay for being so fraughty . Anderson and was that of the things as well as the fraud corruption and the fixing of the books. Stephen the fraud might just be the amuse bouche. Anderson the potential penalty of 250 million. Theres a question about whether he has that, despite the braggadocio. Stephen this trial here, because he has talked trash about people who are actually about the judge and about the clerk. Anderson it was more the judges clerk. Stephen he has talked smack about the judge as well. Anderson the judges clerk who he insinuated was the girlfriend of schumer, chuck schumer. There is no reason to say that other than theres a photo i guess of them together at some event. The judge did not like that and put a gag order on all parties. Stephen but with some teeth in it. He said jail time, right . Anderson any gag order, its financial penalties for ultimately jail time. It seems ard to imagine. Stephen i agree. I agree. It is hard to imagine that that would actually happen. Anderson a judge in a county in new york is going to jail the former president of the United States . It seems hard to imagine. Stephen it is hard to imagine. That part actually is a little scary to me because if that actually did happen, i think we would have a january 6th every week. It wouldnt be justified but he has definitely already lead with the threat of violence in the last two years. Anderson he did just say that the general milley, who has spent 40 years serving this country in the military, one of the most extraordinary military record, and just retired as chairman of the joint chiefs, the fact that the former president put out a statement saying that he is guilty of treason and that the penalty for treason is death, to be continued, he said. Thats an extraordinary thing. Stephen and that people who steal things from shops should be shot as they leave the shops. It is a hopeful future is what hes painting. We have to take a quick break here, but please be back. Because Anderson Cooper will be here, and youll miss that. Lalactaid is 1 100 real m m, jujust withoutut the lactoto. Delicious s too. Just a ask my old friend, keke. Noththing like e enjoying a a ce whwhile watching the game. Whos wiwinning . We a are, my friend. We are. Im adding d downy ununstopables s to my washsh. Ill be smelelling frfresh all daday long. [s[sniffs] still l fresh. Ststill fresh h get 6 timemes longerllastig freshnesess, plusus odor prototection with dodowny unstopabables. vo ultimate endless shrimp is here get 6 timemes longerllastig freshnesess, with a limited time flavor drop. New crispy dragon shrimp. One of seven endless choices. Right now, only at red lobster. Welcome to fun dining. Boring. With over 40 delicious flavors, cirkul starts a party for your taste buds. No sugar, no calories, and no artificial flavors. Cirkul. Its your water, your way. Now with even more flavors. Available at walmart or drinkcirkul. Com. Zyrtetec woworks hard a at hour 1 and twice e as hard whwhen you takake it againn ththe next dayay. So betty c can be the. E. Babarcode beatat conductoro. Letts be more e than our allelergies and for fafast allergygy relif withth a powerfuful decongeses, try y zyrtecd. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back. We are back with the author of astor the rise and fall of an american fortune. Anderson cooper. Its not just this fraud case. I have lost track. There is four broad strokes. Anderson 91 felony counts, criminal court. There is four, no cases. There is two civil cases in new york county. Stephen given all of that, even for a man who has seen as much as you in politics, in war zones, does it surprise you that given everything you just described, the other candidates in the republican field combined have fewer support than donald trump . Anderson not really. Stephen doesnt seem to have an effect. Anderson does not seem to have an effect. Look, i dont know why i am so stunned by this. Jake tapper, john kelly. Hes had an admiral career in the military and public life, confirming on the record every horrible thing they former president said about Service Members. That he didnt want disabled veterans, disabled Service Members in his presence at Public Events because he thought it made him look bad. He didnt want to go to american graveyards in france for soldiers who fought and marines who fought and died in world war i because they were losers. He obviously called john mccain a loser for getting shot down. Turns out he according to john kelly, george hwb, called him a loser for getting shot down in the pacific. Nobody bats and i. Nobody bats an eye in the republican party. Stephen how do you cover him in a fresh way . Contextualize this. Six years ago. Eight years ago. Eight years ago he came on the scene politically as kind of a comic figure. But he ended as an avatar of a american tragedy. Now he starts as a tragic figure or a symbol of american tragedy. You feel any compulsion to remind the audience of that . Or does that seem not objective . Or is the objective choice to point out the tragedy . Anderson i think the role of journalist is to point out what is true and what is not true. Theres only so much journalists can do. You can confront somebody, you point out facts, you call them out on what is true, what is not true, you point out when theyre lying. Ultimately subject voters to decide and nobody can say they dont know who this person is. Nobody can say they are surprised by any of these th things. Shocked, yes. But not necessarily surprised. I think you keep doing what journalists do witches ask the questions, have the facts at your disposal, confront the person with the facts. And again, t this is acrosstheboard. Democrats, republicans, thats the role of what journalists are supposed to do. Let the voters decide. With the American Public decide what they want and where they want this country to go. I dont think it should be up to reporters. I not i dont watch hardcore opinion news programs. Im not particularly interested in what an anchor thinks about or is trying to push an agenda. Im interested in information facts and trying to stick to that let viewers make up their mind. 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Stephen its no secret that you are a scion of the vanderbilts. You know what scion means . Stephen to jew ever rub elbows with a schema did you ever rub elbows with a astor . Anderson i met her. My mom and i would go there. We would talk afterward. It was a crazy scene. The bar at star wars. These society figures. It was fun to watch. We were sitting there and brooke astor walks and i dont know who she is. I do know the astors and i said who is this little old lady. Not realizing that there fortune was made in the slaughter of beavers in the beaver trade. Anyway. Im not going to argue about the beaver trade. I knew that my mom did not like brooke astor. My mom would never say mean things of the people what she wanted to say sunday she had a language all our own. I asked her later. Why do you like brooke astor . She said i dont know. She never grabbed me. Which from my mom was the biggest insult. She never grabbed me. Its very understated and waspy. Her greatest insult was my moms word, he is dreadful. That was the biggest insult. Fast forward. I worked as a waiter at mortimers and i ran into brooke astor. A couple years later after meeting her several times. When i said her name, she looked at me. For a moment, she smiled but i was wearing the waiter outfit so she didnt recognize me as Gloria Vanderbilts on. I was just the waiter. A smile had just started to form and then as soon as she saw my waiter outfit, my face, he just dropped. She just kept on walking. For me, it was a really important moment in my life, realizing. I realize this already before. To see how one gets created when youre not standing next to glory Gloria Vanderbilt and people know youre her son. I was the worst waiter in new york. Horrible. It was the summer. I couldnt develop a system. If you wanted more water and someone else needed a fresh fork, i couldnt figure out how to do both and make one trip. I would run with the water. I would come back and i would put the water down and then go get the fork. I would be sweating in a few minutes. I would arrive at peoples tables sweating and dripping. No one wants to see that in a waiter. It got to the point, it was so bad i started saying to people sitting at my tables, you might want to sit at someone elses station because im just not very good. Stephen oh, my god. Anderson i made no money. Stephen somehow i thought anderson now i will be great. I would be great now. Stephen i have plates now. I have plates here. Anderson the only thing i remember. The only thing i remember. Stephen order up order up, cooper. Anderson you do the two fingers on the plate up top, the third plate for me, that was the problem. There you go. Stephen did you do the trade . Anderson no. How long were you a waiter for . Stephen five years. As you can tell, i wasnt very busy. All right. Well. Dont forget to tip out your back waiter. Anderson, lovely to see you. Thank you for setting us straight on so many things this evening, especially your new book astor the rise and fall of an american fortune. Its available now. The man is Anderson Cooper, everybody. Thank you. Well be right back with a performance by japanese breakfast. At cretors, we handcraft every batch of our delicious popcorn. Like our cretors cheese and caramel mix. Great on their own, even better together. Try cretors, handcrafted smallbatch popcorn. Wewe made it bmo has ararr. Hello . You sasaid it. Hehello to morore ways to savave money, grow your r wealth, growow your busisiness. Just w what we neeeeded, ananother big g bank. Not so f fast. How manyny banks do o youw that reweward you fofor saving evevery month . . Hes got a a good poi. Did i i mention bmbmo has more f feefree atatms than the t two largestst usus banks comombined . Uh, bmo . O . Just bebeemo, actctually. Quick ququestion, wiwill all this stuffff fit in yoyour car . should i g get rid of f the . Bmo stephen performing kokomo indiana from their grammynominated album jubilee, japanese breakfast. [cheers and applause] if i could throw my arms around you for just another day maybe itd feel like the first time now that youre away ill just spend my life not knowing how itd feel to these days i cant shake the awful feeling im missing something i cant place is that you . Manifesting like the fear of an oven left on god, i felt so much back then i was soft as a dune if ever you come back wherever you find your way to and though it may not last just know that ill be here longing longing ill wait, passing time just popping wheelies and kicking round this flyover state watching you show off to the world the parts i fell so hard for god, i wish we could go back there left alone in my room i know they deserve you too and maybe im not that worthy if ever you come back wherever you find your way to and though it may not last just know that ill be here longing if ever you come back wherever you find your way to you know that ill be here always [cheers and applause] stephen thank you. Japanese breakfast, everybody thats it for the late show. Good night