Stephen colbert. Togh hng rttom. Plus, stephen welcomes deusus and mero and musical guest jake isaac featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen thank you, friendly announcer lady. I never say thank you to her. Thats on me. Im sorry. Its been years now. Thank you, friendly announcer lady. I hope we meet some day. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It will be a while because we cant meet anybody right now. Too bad, we cant go for a walk. Happy first day of fall. Theres a crispness in the air, the leaves are changing, our nation is ravaged by a preventable disease due to our president s criminal negligence. So happy is a relative term. Its a mixed bag. But despite his historic shanking of the coronavirus response, yesterday in ohio, our Pumpkin Spice potus put a positive spin on things. We now know the disease. We didnt know it. Now we know it. It affects elderly people, elderly people with heart problems and other problems, if they have other problems. Thats what it really affects. Thats it. You know, in some states, thousands of people, nobody young. Below the age of 18, like nobody. They have a strong immune system. Who knows . Take your hat off to the young, because they have a hell of an immune system. But it affects virtually nobody. Stephen as trump they say 200,000 people have died, but i havent heom t raise yourifvdi of coronavirus. See . Nobody. The coronavirus has now killed more americans than the u. S. Battle deaths from the last five wars combined. So brace yourself for trumps update to the vietnam memorial. Personally, i havent been affected at all, and neither have the two masked men in this room with, or this great crowd, right . girls screaming in fact, america has been so unaffected by the coronavirus that this halloween, the c. D. C. Is discouraging trickortreating. You know, maybe thats for the best. Anybody who goes dressed up as a mummy is going to get mugged for the toilet paper. The new guidelines include lowrisk waytiyoe,or scavengntse contests. Of c tf a virtual e contesis knowing that the ppas are probably not wearing pants. Its going to be spiderman up top, porky pig downtown. Ibbidaibbidaibbida thats balls, folks. The c. D. C. Also wants you to terrify responsibly if screaming will occur, greater distancing is advised. So you cant make things too scary. So instead of a haunted house, get your thrills and chills from a mildanxiety house. Stick your hand into this pile of overdue verizon bills theres a laaaaate fee other big news from the c. D. C. On friday, they updated their official covid guidance with this scary addendum airborne particles can remain suspended in the air and be breathed in by others and travel distances beyond six feet. Kind of Important Information to just slip in there on friday afternoon. Hey, you guys, no biggie, but the virus is airborne, six feet wont save you, so youre gonna wanna wrap yourself in saran wrap and start a new life under the floorboards. Then, yesterday, c. D. C. Abruptly removed its guidance about airborne coronavirus transmission. Well, thats not comforting. Its like a fire marshall saying, if you catch fire, remember just stop, drop, and ignore everything i just said. Whos got marshmallows . The c. D. C. Is claiming that fridays disappearing airborne virus guidelines were just a draft version posted in error. Well, thats embarrassing. You published a first draft . I mean, come up with joke here about how this is embarrassing. Maybe a metaphor . Figure out later. Note cbs lawyers wont let you do jokes that involve masturbation. Really . True. Stephen that is true. We cut a good one tonight. We cut a real good one tonight. Not only that, the c. D. C. Claimed that telling the public the virus is extraairborne was just an honest mistake. I believe the medical term for that is an oopsie deathy. Maybe it was just an honest mistake, but we should take everything the c. D. C. Says with a grain salt for the foreseeable future. For instance, trump appointees delayed one c. D. C. Study for weeks, because it showed the actual number of Coronavirus Infections was likely ten times the official number, which was deemed to be in conflict with trumps messaging. Okay, so theyre trying to change reality just to fit what the president says, which is why the c. D. C. Says the new recommended serving size for foods is bucket. But as bad as trumps handling of the coronavirus has been in public, apparently in private, its way worse. According to olivia troye, a former pence aide and advisor to the Coronavirus Task force, trumps response to the coronavirus pandemic showed a flatout disregard for human life. That is rough. Its not great for a president when youre described with the same slogan as the arbys bacon ranch chicken wrap. laughter in other important stuff, just when it seemed like the coming Supreme Court battle was going to be the craziest part of our government, the Justice Department said hold my beer. And kavanaugh said gladly laughter because yesterday, in an official statement, the department of justice named new york city, portland, and seattle anarchist jurisdictions. Anarchist jurisdictions do you know what that means . Im going to guess no, because its a madeup term. Its all just part of trumps crackdown on cities that have protesters. The Justice Department has identified these three cities as having permitted violence and destruction of property and are now at risk of losing federal dollars. So, new york is a kid, and bill barr is basically saying, no allowance until you clean up their room. Except the kid in question gives the parents 116 billion dollars more in lemonade sales than the kid gets back. Its not a perfect analogy, but what do you want from me . Im living in an anarchist jurisdiction. And the anarchy is everywhere. I barely got in here tonight i had to wade through the corpses just look at the scene in front of the ed sullivan theater. Oh, my god, look at the mayhem its a oneman biker gang look delivery man what is he delivering, chaos . Whats for lunch, disorder . Those two guys both have masks. I dont know what that thats some sort of sex thing i think. The late show with Stephen Colbert. Ive heard bad things about that guy. Wat is this coming around the coroner. Thats a brinks truck. Now its so dangerous in new york, they have to deliver the money in an armored van . Whats that bold m. . Is that mayhem. Before we looked at the hellscape, trump was in ohio spraying spittle at his fans, and the commander in chief took time to brag about americas new weapons. We have the, i call it the superduper missiles, like at a level no one has ever seen before. Its hydrosonic. I call it superduper because superduper is easier for people to understand than hydrosonic. Stephen its true. Hydrosonic missiles can be hard to understand, because they dont exist. Theyre called hypersonic missiles. So, superduper missiles is actually a madeup name for something he didnt know the real name of. And i know it feels petty at this point to call out trump on the words he says, but when it comes to weapons of war, they really should matter. I mean, imagine its 1945 and you heard president truman say this 16 hours ago, an american airplane dropped a bigbang boom on hiroshima. That kablooey had more power than 20,000 tons of blowyuppy sticks. Tephen with the election only six weeks away, trump had some strong words about joe biden. Joes got no spirit. Hes dead as a rock. The only spirit hes got is spirit to beat me, and thats called a negative spirit. And, historically, that doesnt do that well. Stephen as trump Everybody Knows you cant trust the negative spirits. I know a ton of them. They keep visiting me at night showing me christmases past, present, and future. They would not shut up about my sins. I had to get a bug zapper. Trump admitted that no one likes him, but explained it doesnt matter. Somebody said, we dont like his personality. I said, i always thought i had a good personality. They dont like my personality. Who the hell cares about my personality . They dont like me, they dont like my personality but, i hate to say it, im what you need. Stephen yes, hes thoroughly unpleasant, but hes necessary. Hes americas colonoscopy. Its all on camera. You dont want to watch. It helps to be sedated for the whole thing, and its a huge pain in the ass. That trump even needs to campaign in ohio, by the way, is a bad sign for him. In 2016, he won the Buckeye State by eight points. But now, the state is a tossup. So trump told one ohio crowd just to ignore the polls. You know what they do . Its suppression polls. They try and depress you. They try and make you happy so you dont unhappy so you go out to dinner with your wife, your husband. You go out to dinner. Darling, lets have dinner. So sad. We love donald, but he just cant make it. He cant make it. Lets go out, have dinner, come home, watch the results. Stephen hey, dummy thats a terrible example. You got to update your madeup scenarios no ones going out to dinner as trump you go to dinner, you hit the movies, you get a haircut, and then lick your grandparents. I love 2020. Its not just ohio. Trumps support is lagging all over the midwest for a surprising reason hes losing ground with white voters. Et tu, whitey . In minnesota, where he won white voters by seven points in 2016, hes currently running two Percentage Points behind biden. And in wisconsin, where trump won noncollegeeducated white women by 16 Percentage Points four years ago, hes now losing them by nine Percentage Points. Thats got to make them nervous. For more insight, lets go to Trump Campaign advisor, cleavon bart. Mr. Bart, what is the Trump Campaign saying behind closed doors . Hey, where the white women at . Stephen thank you, sheriff. Well, wherever they are, its important that everyone out there vote. And today, across the country, people are celebrating National Voter registration day. And i know we said we werent going to do it this year, but i got you a present its our website betterknowaballot. Com, which has all the links you need to register to vote or check your Voter Registration status. It also has statebystate information on how to vote mailin or absentee, including videos of me walking you through most of the process. Were uploading new videos every day, as well as updating the old ones. So please keep checking back. I think were up to about 30 videos. Were up to about 30 videos right now. And that has to be most of them, right. How many states could there be . And with so many of you voting from home this year, we didnt want you to miss one of the best parts of the democinsticke you e on your stories by searching better know a ballot. We have the classic i voted, as well as the more timely, i have filled out the necessary forms to request an absentee ballot and am eagerly awaiting its arrival, at which point i will carefully fill it out and return immediately, so very soon, i will have voted so happy National Voter registration day. Register as soon as you can, and spread the word using the hashtag betterknowaballot. No masturbation jokes, still. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Desus and mero are here. But when we come back, meanwhile stick around dont be afraid, this halloween will be just like last. Well buy tons of reeses cups for the youngins. laughing then eat them all ourselves. Reeses. If sttry new align digestivetive issuedestress. All ourselves. It combines aligns probiotic with ashwagandha to help soothe occasional digestive upsets, plus stress that can make them worse. Align digestive destress. From the pros in digestive health. My psoriasis. Cosentyx works on all of this. Cosentyx treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis to help you look and feel better. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Watch me learn more at cosentyx. Com. We love our new home. Theres so much space. We have a guestroom now. But, we have aunts. Youre slouching again, ted. Expired, expired. Expired. Thanks, aunt bonnie. Its a lot of house. I hope you can keep it clean. At least geico makes bundling our home and Car Insurance easy. Which helps us save a lot of money oh, teddy. Did you get my friend request . Uh, ill have to check. doorbell ringing aunt jonis here for bundling made easy, go to geico. Com. Hello . Your shoulder seems to be healing nicely. Im sorry baby. I dont want you to play with that. singing twinkle, twinkle little star. How i wonder what you are. How are you doing . Schedule a video visit with your doctor. Kaiser permanente. Thrive. With your doctor. Your bank can be virtually any place you are. You can deposit checks from here. And you can see your transactions and check your balance from here. And pay bills from here. Because your bank isnt just one place. Its virtually any place you are. Just download and use the chase mobile app. Visit chase. Com mobile. Welcome back to a late show. That musical tinchg ling you hear in the background and our friend and jurs, mr. Jon batiste. Hello, jon jon hello. Stephen happy National Voter registration day. Are you registered to vote, sir . Jon yes, im registered and im helping to spread the word because weve got to register now. Stephen everybody, register, go to what are we going to betterknowaballot. Com. And go reg to vote. Its important. We have to get out there. Over 40 of people didnt vote the last time, and look where we at. We have to push it. Stephen all right, you want the future you want, you got to do what you gotta do. Jon yes, indeed. And were going to do it. Were going to do it its already done stephen i understand you did something with one of my one of my friends today. My friend michelle. Jon yes. Stephen what did you guys do . Jon you know, there was such a great thing going on, on instagram where she went live for the first time and was talking to incredible people in the arts, and i was a part of that. And i played a song that was a Voter Registration ballard, to encourage us and soothe us in this crazy time. Stephen and just to be clear to everybody just tuning in, we mean michelle obama, not my other great friend, michelle fiver who is also encouraging everyone to vote. Michelle obama, all right. Jon that michelle, yes. Stephen jon, how about a little voting music. Jon oh, yeah. You got to go vote you got to go vote you got to go you got to go vote stephen i hear a hit. I hear a hit. Jon batiste, everybody. Jon yeah, baby. Stephen you know, i spend a lot of time carefully molding the paper mache of stories, decorating it with the finest and most vibrant feathers and the most bedazzling gemstone designs to create the delicate, yet haunting, venetian mask that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, i like to take an old screwdriver, poke some eyeholes in a potato sack i the Texas Chainsaw Massacre hood of news that is my segment. Quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, scientists in canada have come out with a study linking bold eyebrows to narcissism. So the thinner the eyebrow, the more selfless the person . Sit down, mother teresa. Turns out the real saint is christina aguilera. According to the study, thick, dark and dense eyebrows were a dead giveaway for someone who ticks the survey options that say i have a natural talent for influencing people. makes sense. So many influencers have big eyebrows, like Kim Kardashian cara delevigne, and the most selfobsessed of all, eugene levy. Get over yourself, eugene also, welldeserved. Congratulaons. Ten bottles of new estee lauder skincare serum will launch to the space station, and nasa astronauts are expected to film the items in the microgravity environment for use in ad campaigns. Which is a gross corporate encroachment on space exploration, but still a step up from the 80s when estee lauder tested mascara on chewbacca. Quarantinewhile, an interesting tidbit is making the rounds online about costco, which has charged 1. 50 for its iconic hot dog and soda combo since 1985. Costco hasnt changed their hot dog price since 1985 . Big whoop. 7eleven hasnt changed their hot dogs since 1972. Thats so cheap, that according to a recently resurfaced bit of intel, the c. E. O. Ostc complained to costcos founder, jim sinegal, that they were losing money on the hot dog deal, to whhe effing hot dog, i will kill you. Now, im sure that was just an idle threat. I mean, if he actually killed the guy, then hed have to dispose of the body somehow, maybe by grinding it up and oh, dear lord costco hot dogs are people theyre a great deal, but theyre people quarantinewhile, a wisconsin man was shocked to discover a brain washed up on the beach. That is disgusting. When you discard a brain, you put it in the brains recycling bin. Come on everybody has to do their part. Now, youll want to know, this wasnt a human brain. But it was packaged pretty weirdly. The man who found it says he came across a brickshaped package wrapped in aluminum foil with a pink rubber band, along with pink flowers. Worst gender reveal ever. Quarantinewhile, the n. F. L. Season is under way but, of course, due to the pandemic, theyre playing to empty stadiums with prerecorded crowd sounds. Which is great, but also weird because on sunday the eagles quarterback was booed during a home game by fake crowd noise in philadelphia. Now thats commitment. Eagle fans are horrible even when theyre not there. Apparently, the simulated fan reactions were only heard by tv viewers, not by players at the stadium. That is so unfair. If the players cant hear all the booing, how are they supposed to know they suck . I just think piping in fake crowd sound is kind of a cheap trick. And my pledge to you is that we here at the late show will never stoop to it because my audience is too sophisticated to fall for that garbage, right audience . girls screaming well be right back with desus and mero. Get ready our most popular battery is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. Theres my career, my cause, my choir. So much goes into who i am. Hiv medicine is one part of it. Prescription dovato is for adults who are starting hiv1 treatment and who arent resistant to either of the medicines dolutegravir or lamivudine. Dovato has 2 medicines in 1 pill to help you reach and then stay undetectable. So your hiv can be controlled with fewer medicines while taking dovato. Dont take dovato if youre allergic to any of its ingredients or if you take dofetilide. If you have hepatitis b, it can change during treatment with dovato and become harder to treat. Your hepatitis b may get worse or become lifethreatening if you stop taking dovato. So do not stop dovato without talking to your doctor. Serious side effects can occur, including allergic reactions, liver problems, and liver failure. Lifethreatening side effects include lactic acid buildup d seveer pro if youavrash and other symptomse. Of an allergic reaction, stop taking dovato and get medical help right away. Tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis b or c. One of the ingredients in dovato may harm your unborn baby. Your doctor may prescribe a different medicine than dovato. Your doctor should do a pregnancy test before starting dovato. Use effective Birth Control while taking dovato. The most common side effects are headache, diarrhea, nausea, trouble sleeping, and tiredness. So much goes into who i am and hope to be. Ask your doctor if starting hiv treatment with dovato is right for you. If youre having difficulty paying for your medications, we may be able to help. It was absolutely terrifying. This is a free video curriculum that can teach anyone basic digital skills. When you lift up one person, you lift up the entire community. Heres the very model of a modern daily family meal when food ideas are scarce and everything becomes a big ordeal you want something nutritious that your family will devour but add one thing thats healthy. Ugh the taste will overpower so. Only lightlife can return the balance to your every dish our food is always made of plants of a modern daily family meal lightlife. Try a clean plantbased burger for a change. Stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my guests tonight from their podcast bodega boys and their late night show desus mero on showtime. Please welcome, desus and mero. Hello, desus and mero. Stevie hows it going, man cbs family, yay stevie its our coworker. Eh hes part of the cbs family. Mwah mwah. La familya. T . W many pairs of sneakers you y, thiwas probably about 100. But then theres more on the other side of the camera you cant see. I say it in the book, that my mother often jokes that it looks like youre starting a foot locker. She has been making the joke about five years now. She always lawstles when she says it. I dont find it funny. But shes right. Desus, the first step is admitting you have a problem. It is a problem. Especially during quarantine, you have all these great sneakers and im going nowhere. Now the sneakers are laughing at me. Stephen how are you guys holding up under covid . How are you handling staying at home . Help me, stephen. Help me. Stephen why . Why, do you need more help . Mero, you need more help than desus . Why . He definitely does. Yes, well, you know, a little thing called koitus happened with my wife, and we created four beautiful children stephen at once . Not at once. The quarantine hasnt been that long. But, no, you know, its kind of hectic over here in the martinez household. Stephen wait, you have four children . Four. Stephen how old are they . They are nine, seven, five, and three. Bingo stephen first of all, now grouping. And, second, good lord. Prime numbers. Stephen do you have it harder. Desus, do you not have kids . I have similar to a kid. I have a peleton bike that i use a lot, and i u app yoga. Every time i wake up im like how am i going to find 20 minutes of my day to do tabada . Sometimes im like, hey, how am i going to find 20 minutes to take a dump. You know what i mean . Stephen that is a substantial dump, my friend. laughter you should definitely seek medical help. More fiber. Thats a married man dump. Stephen youre not going too the bathroom. You are going into a chamber of isolation. Exactly stephen i know exactly what you mean. We have a rule in my family. And my rule is i dont talk through a bathroom door. Thats smart. Stephen and i go in there a lot. Yes, yes. Stephen just to be alone. Yes its like solitary in prison, but, like good, you know what i mean . Stephen right, congratulations to both of yall. You just got picked up, desus mero just got picked up for a third season on showtime. Thats fantastic. Are you going to steal any more of my writers. Wow wow wow stephen am i going out after the decision is made that youre stealing one of my favorite writers . Is that how cold this is going to get. Stephen stephen. You have to let these things go. Stephen no, i dont no, i dont i did let things go his name is mike and i let him go. He was under contract, and you stole him. We love you, mike stephen i love mike more than you do. Dont say you love mike. I live mike and i loved him first i loved him first. The boy is ours. The boy is ourselves. Also, listen stephen you know what . We can relocate to utah and we can both share mike. He can be our sister writer. Stephen im in. I hear its beautiful, so beautiful out there. Okay. Do you have any dream guests for the next season . Anybody you really want to get in the chair . So there is this guy, right, who has yeah, a show. It was amazing. It was, like, kind of like i dont want to even call it a spinoff because that would be doing it a disservice. It came from the daily show. And it starred this guy who whats his name . I cant remember his name right now. But he was just really, really good on. He was hilarious. Yelling at the president and stuff. Stephen larry will mor. Thats the guy was it. Stephen i know him. You want him on. Ill give him a call. Was it . Stephen yeah, hes a good guy. He had more hair. He had more hair, the other guy. More attractive, too. Yeah. He was cuter. Stephen john oliver . Joveis just very stressed out about everything. Stephen oh, yeah, exactly. We cant trust british people. Wasnt he in that show strangers with candy . Yes, he was. Stephen i know that cat. Hes sure to be willing to come on. You never did anything to piss him off, right . You have never stolen anything from him, have you . Hes does not let bleep. Not to my knowledge. Fars we know, the free market, capitalism, et cetera. Stephen yeah. Twoparty system. laughter . Stephen sure. Okay, you guys, i have i have i have been fans of yours since before you guys blew up. Thank you thank you stephen and im just curious when you thought, okay, now weve made it. We reached a new level here. Look, this is not to continue to stroke your ego, which iwove, we came out of a building i was i just remembered this. W came out of a building, and you said we were fans before we blew up. We came out of a building and we were like we said hello to you. And we said hello to you. You walked past us, but you turned around. And had a conversation with us. You could have just kept walking. And that clearly was before we stole one of your writers. Obviously. Obviously. Stephen i think thats where you got the idea. But, i mean, for me i think one of the moments i knew we made it and this is actually kind of sad for me and mero we were ata network where we didnt have a show yet and we were at a windys located underground, and every time we went to this wendys we were recognized by some of the worst people in new york city. Strokur egowould go down there and buy wendys burgers until we got recognized. Stephen purposely recognized. Purposely. Stephen that is sad. That is so sad laughter listen, we just woo he i more kids than i had shirts at that time. You know what im saying. Stephen sure. We spent our Network Money on baconaters. Stephen lets get to the next thing, the next level youve hit right here. Youve got a new book. Thats right. Its called godlevel knowledge darts life lessons from the bronx. Its out today. Okay. Yes, sir. Lets get into this a little bit. The first chapter is how drugs are great. And then you also endorse shoplifting in here. Yeah stephen what is what is the worst advice you give in this book . Uhm. Oooh. So much to choose from. My worst advice my worst advice was in the chapter about what to do when youre broke. And my advice to people, if you know youre going through financial troubles, just run up your credit card. Run it up, max it up. Listen, have fun. Stephen drink your way to sobriety. Exactly. When they come for the money next month, you say i dont got it. What else can they do . And thats it. Rinse, wash, and repeat. Stephen got it. For me it was, listen, if you dont got tyou dont necessarily have to pay for it. If youre in a Big Box Store and you really need, lice, vaseline or something, you can just take it and put it under your cart. You know what i mean . The security guards getting paid 10 an hour. Hes not going to chase you into your Ford Explorer to get back that jar of vaseline. Stephen you get your vaseline at box stores . How much vaseline do you need . They come in cosco size. He gets a gallon at b. J. s. Listen, were in quarantine, right . I have four kids. Theres a lot of stuff going on down here. You know what i mean . Stephen i actually dont. But thank you. laughter stephen you were you used the word allegedly in this thing. Yes. Stephen like, as much as in a legal brief. Right. Stephen can you just get away with anything as long as you say allegedly. After a lifetime of watching judge judy, peoples court, i know the law in and out like the back of my hand. And if you say allegedly its like confessing your sins on your death bed. They cant do anything after you do that. Done, youre good. Take that, lawyers. Look at that loophole stephen is that part is that some of the advice cnfess your sins on your death bed . Oh, yeah, definitely. Just wait for last minute, and just, like, pick a religion at random. Boom, there you go. Stephen pick a religion at random. Quick. Both of you. Judaism. Buddhist. Who is judaism, who is buddhism. Im judaism. My motherinlaw is upstairs and i think she can hear me through the door. Rosh shashanna just passed. Stephen happy new year. Fellas, we have to take a quick break. Dont go away, because well be right back with more desus and mero. Knowing who we are is hard. Its hard. Eliminate who you are not first, and youre going to find yourself where you need to be. The race is never over. The journey has no port. The adventure never ends, because we are always on the way. This piece is talking yeah . So what do you see . I see an unbelievable opportunity. I see bestinclass platforms and education. I see awardwinning service, and a trade desk full of experts, available to answer your toughest questions. And i see it with zero commissions on online trades. I like what youre seeing. Its beautiful, isnt it . Yeah. Td ameritrade now offers zero commissions on online trades. Stephen hey, everybody. Were back with desus and mero of desus mero. This is a monumental moment in every every talk show hosts career. Yes. Stephen you guys have your own ice cream flavor now. Thats right. Stephen talk to me. It. Yes, we do. Odd fellows. They went against science and just the laws of nature and took the beloved new york city staple, the bacon egg and cheese, one word, and put it into ice cream. Cliious. Stephen bacon egg and cheese ice cream. Yes. Stephen you have been sent a mind of my ice cream, americone dream. Its tasteoff time, gentlemen. Tasteoff time. Stephen im going with yours first. Im going with yours first. Im going to take my lactate. Stephen is it true, all of your pints come with lactate . They do. Stephen youre both lactose intolerant. Like, i will bleep my pants on the air if i eat this without taking that first. Stephen hence, the 20minute dump. There it is. Its violent. Stephen im going in. Its explosive. Go in. I dont want to be put at risk. This is my intestinal condom. Stephen how does it taste . Stephen this is a sucker punch to your taste buds. Right . You dont expect it to be so rich. Stephen oh, that is fantastic its the cheese bacon, i can see. Its the cheese, its the double dairy. Yup. Uhhuh. Double dairy. Stephen and the egg is very kuftardy. Thats ca fantastic. Lets go to amere icone. Im not going to lie to you, stephen. I have had this on several occasions. You know what i mean . But this is a family show im not going to say what state i was in, when i was enjoying it, but it was very enjoyable. Stephen are you high . Is that why . Were you high . Because thats legal most places now. Its not it is. Stephen its not its not that edgy anymore. No, grandmothers use it to go to sleep at night. Yeah. I have a i have a library card. I forgot. I live in jersey now. Exactly. Steve, this is good. This is good. This is anlll in here. Stephen you have other flavors, right . Its not just the bacon egg and cheese. We have sher bert, we have chico stick, which is amazing, based off the candy in boldyga. The bodiego crunch. What you would find behind the glassy window of a boldyga. Stephen aspirin in condoms. Yes. Stephen exactly. And an extension cord. All of my proceeds go to charity . How about yours . Is this for charity or are you pocketing it . Parent of it goes to legal aid, which is super important because we are two little hood rats from the bronx who had to use public defenders and now weve gone full circle. Stephen good for you. Get the ice cream, ladies and gentlemen. Its absolutely delicious, and youre doing it for a good cause. Thats right. Stephen, you know what i mean . You, too, can live the americone dream. Stephen you guys are from the bronx. I have a very important question for you guys. Yes. Stephen because of covid, because some people left the city while this is going on, because theres been a spike in crime, so people say. Some people are saying, oh, new york is dead what do you say to people who say new york is dead . We lived in new york in the 9090s and the 80s, and if this is scary for you, then you were never a new yorker to begin with. I mean, i just do my most obnoxious new yorker laugh and i make them stop and think. How many times have people said new york is dead . Hurricane sandy, the blackout, after 9 11. People say wed never be able to bounce back. And thats literally what makes new york, new york. New york is resilient. We have an energy that keeps the city going. And, also, now we have the greatest moment ever in history to rebuild the iconic new york we need. And by doing, that were going to get rid of Bottle Service in nightclubs because its ruining a good night, right. People should not pay 200 for vodka. Stephen this is true. You know what they should pay 200 for . Bacon egg and cheese. All right, and give my give my love to mike. Mike, we love you we love you you know, this could be. Stephen godlevel knowledge darts, this book on sale now. Desus and mero. Well be back with a performance by jake isaac. Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you, stephen imagine the places well go. Togeexpedia when he was diagnosed my son bewith leukemia. Years old he would get sick. Aubrey would take him to the bathroom and she would rub his back. Our family is fighting this every single day. If donald trump gets rid of our health care law, my son wont be protected. We would have to be making some tough decisions about what medications we can afford. We need a president who will protect our health care and thats joe biden. Im joe biden and i approve this message. Im a delivery operations na san diego, california. Were striving to deliver a package with zero emissions into the air. I feel really proud of the impact that has on the environment. We have two daughters and i want to do everything i can to protect the environment so hopefully they can have a great future. You try to stay ahead of the but scrubbing still takes time. Now theres powerwash dish spray its the faster way to clean as you go just spray, wipe and rinse it cleans grease five times faster dawn powerwash. Spray, wipe, rinse. Mcdonalds chicken mcnuggets better. . If they were breaded in spicy tempura, made with a blend of aged cayenne. And they made me cry a little. New spicy chicken mcnuggets ba da ba ba ba about the covid19 virus. Its real. Its dangerous. And we do know how to keep you and your loved ones safe. Wear a mask. Wash your hands. Stay six feet apart. We can do this. If we do it together. The president was skeptical that ginsburgs dying wish supposedly conveyed to her granddaughter was that she wanted the next president to fill her seats. It sounds to me like it would be somebody else. I dont believe it could be. It could be. And it might not be, too. Sir, what would bet connie. Itstle convenient that a brilliant Supreme Court justice would deliver eloquent kieg words that align perfectly with her beliefs. Someones got to be behind this. As for whom. Thats what i intend to find out. Stick around for more huge, dumbass detective. Bright colors febreze freshness glad forceflexplus proof i can fight moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. Proof i can fight Psoriatic Arthritis. With humira. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin in psa. Humira targets and blocks a source of inflammation that contributes to joint pain and irreversible damage. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Humira is proven to help stop further joint damage. If you cant afford your medicine, abbvie may be able to help. Seeing what people left behind in the attic. Well, saving on Homeowners Insurance with geicos help was pretty fun too. Ahhhh, its a tiny dancer. They left a ton of stuff up here. Welp, enjoy your house. Nope. No thank you. Geico could help you save on homeowners and renters insurance. Is now even more powerful. The stronger, lastslonger energizer max. The stronger, lastslonger rush to work, grab a drink, hurry home. [cell phone beeps] stop dont be on your phone. Let someone else take the wheel. Make a little eye contact. Make a plan. Its a busy world out there. Were all in it together. Go safely, california. A drink with friends can turn into two, and a prescription can be stronger than you thought. Stop there are a lot of ways to get a dui. And a lot of ways to go text a friend, call a cab, share a ride. Whatever you choose to do, go safely, california. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Making his Television Debut with new york from his e. P. , things ill tell you tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen, jake isaac. I left my heart in new york she had brown eyes and she had skin like gold how she loved me so i left my heart in new york i left my heart where she lay her tears were falling oh, i wish i had stayed id tell her well make it work i left my heart there with her ill be right there if you call ill come back im so sorry i left you alone i thought it just wouldnt work i realize i was wrong so, so wrong from afari cant love you left my heart where you a i left my heart in new york wherever i go shell always have my love and key to my soul i never feel like im home til i get back home to her ill be right there if you call ill come back im so sorry i left you alone i thought it just wouldnt work i realize i was wrong so, so wrong cause i cant love you from afar i left my heart where you are i left my heart in new york oh, where you are oh, where you are ooh ill be right there if you call ill come back im so sorry i left you alone i thought it just wouldnt work i realize i was wrong so, so wrong cause i cant love you from afar i left my heart where you are i left my heart in new york stephen thank you, jake well be right back. When you think of a bank, you think of people in a place. But when you have the chase mobile app, your bank can be virtually any place. So, when you get a check. You can deposit it from here. And you can see your transactions and check your balance from here. You can save for an emergency from here. Or pay bills from here. So when someone asks you, wheres your bank . You can tell them heres my bank. Or heres my bank. Or, heres my bank. Because if you download and use the chase mobile app, your bank is virtually any place. Visit chase. Com mobile. Stephen thats it for a late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my ill be joined by jeff daniels and musical guest yusuf cat stevens. James corden is next, but first, lets say good night with some music from jon batiste and stay human. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by cbs the late late show, oh, oh the late late show, ooh the late late show, oh, oh the late late show oh, oh its the late late show