Favorite, because in our birthday cards, he would write, ivanka is my favorite. So visit audible and download mary trumps too much and never enough. When he told me to pull his finger, he farted and blamed obama. Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight trump of trumps cop out. Plus, stephen welcomes hasan minhaj and musical guest jason isbell the 400 unit. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert what . Stephen nothing nothing i was just collecting myself. Youre not doing youre perfect in every way. Yeah, uhhuh. laughter stephen welcome, welcome, friends, to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Protests continue all overfo now there have been a lot of unlikely people joining the fight, and today we got the least liked of all donald trump. Because this afternoon, donald trump signed an executive order on police reform. Now, before you get excited, dont. It doesnt do much. It does propose a National Database of police misconduct. So, hes compiling an excel spreadsheet of all the worst cops in america. Not sure what hes going to do with it. as trump lets see, i need someone to curbstomp some protesters. Oh, hes got big boots. Trumps order will also urge social workers and mental healt. Doesnt say how closely theyll be working together . Because that might get weird. Okay, you just teargassed a group of unarmed civilians. Is that because you never felt accepted by your mother . Okay, im aware of the time. Lets take this up at next weeks pepper spraying. Trumps plan also promises federal grant money to encourage local departments to bolster training and certification. Im pretty sure the chant is, defund the police. If you give them more funding, theyre just going to spend it on a tank called the de escalator 4,000. Now before the signing, trump met with the families of Police Shooting victims and made them a solemn oath, which he apparently to forgot immediately i gave a commitment to all of those families today with senator tim scott, attorney general bill barr. We are going to pursue. What we said we will be pursuing it, and we will be pursuing it strongly. Stephen as trump as god as my witness, i promise to pursue the thingamajig that we said with the. Folks for the whatchacallit and those people and whatshername and, the point is, black lives eow meowmeow. Now, this event was supposedly about police reform, but trump made it clear that he doesnt think its that necessary. Nobody needs a strong, Trustworthy Police force more than those who live in distressed areas. And nobody is more opposed to the small number of bad Police Officers and you have them. They are very tiny. I use the word tiny. Stephen as trump tiny, bad cops. Little little lego baddies. Still, the danger is, if you step on them in the middle of the night, youre in for a world of pain. Though, it does give me an idea for a new show. Coming this fall on cbs, good cop, tiny cop. You have the right to remain adorable. Then trump announced his decisively conditional action chokeholds will be banned except if an officers life is at risk. Stephen thats a loophole big enough to drive a squad car through. All right, all right, everybody. After multiple incidents, hungry tigers will now be banned from this elementary school, unless the tiger finds the children particularly delicious. Class dismissed. Then, right before he signed the executive order, he closed by making it creepy. We must cherish the principles of americas founding as we strive to deliver safe, beautiful, elegant justice, and liberty for all. Stephen also this fall on cbs, elegant justice. Sundays after good cop, tiny cop. There is some Actual Police reform going on out there. In new york, roughly 600 plainclothes officers have been reassigned to new roles effective immediately. The reassigned officers were part of a special unit in the n. Y. P. D. Known as the anti crime unit. Um, arent all Police Officers the anticrime unit . Because if theres a procrime unit, they really ought to reassign those guys, too. This is important the anti crime unit was responsible for a disproportionate number of civilian complaints and fatal shootings. They make up 2 of the departments uniformed force, but they have been involved in 31 of incidents. Thats not a few bad apples. Thats an orchard of destruction, which is also the name of my speed metal band that only performs at fall festivals. Okay, quick programming note it has only been a second since that fullframe graphic went up, but its been a half an hour since i said those last words you heard, because we took a break to write about news that just broke concerning a new book coming out by former National Security adviser john bolton, seen here pointing to his only friend. Bolton has written an explosive book about his time in the white thats clearly a reference to the musical hamilton, which i assume means the book includes boltons freestyle rap about hawkish foreign policy. My names johnny b. And im here to say lets nuke cuba and paraguay well turn tehran into a pile of ash and if you dont like it you can kiss my stash wicka wicka wicka wicka wicka wicka now, this isnt the first damning whitehouse tellall written by a former white house staffer way too late for it to make any difference. There was unhinged, fire and fury, team of vipers, furious snake fire, bucket of tapeworms, and hat full o rats. But this new bolton book must be extra spicy, because trump is expected to attempt to block its publication. Thats a crazy strategy telling people they cant have something just maes them want it more thats why the disney vault exists. I mean, i dont give a damn theristocs on bluray ing and heres why we took a break this part right here. During the taping of this monologue, the department of justice filed a breachof contract suit against ex National Security adviser john bolton. Now, let me explain what that means. No one knows what that means, because whats breach of contract with the government . You can arrest somebody for spreading state secrets, but breach of contract . Breach of contract is you sue your plumber because he never finished installing your new septic tank, which trumps really going to need because this lawsuit is a huge pile of crap. Heres apparently whats happening unlike every other disclosure agreements, and the lawsuit charges that bolton has breached his legal obligations embodied in his n. D. A. S. Now, weve all heard about trumps n. D. A. S. Stormy daniels had one, and she got out of it. So trump should just cut bolton a check for 130,000, because now bolton is going to spank him with his book, which i think technically makes bolton a porn star look forward to big johnny walrus in the room where its slappin. as trump oh, johnny walrus, i dont know how im going to pay for this dirt on joe biden, so i need you to do us a favor though. The real point of this lawsuit is to bury this book so no one ever says its name again, a name which appears in the lawsuit 22 times. Now, the lawsuit requests that a trust be set up for the benefit of the United States, and takes in anything bolton earns from selling the book. For the benefit of the United States . That means its your patriotic duty to buy more copies of the book. Oh, youre a sly one, mr. President. Sly means stupid, right . Okay. And its not just the book. The lawsuit specifies including movie rights. Ooh, a movie. Whos gonna play bolton . Ryan reynolds . Ryan gosling . Capn crunch . No, i have it wilford brimley. I dont want to be involved in whatever drug deal mulvaney is cooking up. Its the wrong thing to do and the wrong way to do it. Ive got enough trouble with my diabetes. And scene. Now, the book is slated to be released next week, which the white house clearly did not realize, as they indicated yesterday could the attorney general tell us what the d. O. J. Is doing, in terms of the bolton book . Well, there are a number of things, but the thing that is front and center right now is trying to get him to complete the process, go through the process and make the necessary deletions of classified information. But but the book has been published. No, it hasnt. Yes, its been published. Its just not released yet. Its being printed. Its being printed. Hasnt been released. According to sources it is being printed. It hasnt been released. Stephen hey, attorney general doofus, according to sources, i got this last friday oooh secret book secret book ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot burning my hands with all the hot, hot secret juice now, its under embargo, which means ive received it b hi about whats inside of it until next tuesday, when john bolton is on my show, unless you clap him in leg irons, and then send black ops to halojump into my locale, penetrate the perimeter of my nightstand and remove the classified document ive been resting my iced tea on. Full disclosure i have not read it yet because it looks really long, and it has no sympathetic characters. But lets just take a sneak peek ooh thrego. So thats how the turkey earned his pardon pence tried skim milk . Does mother know . And whats this . Oh, yeah, the centerfold so the mustache does match the carpet. Now, we havent thought about john bolton lately because of all the protests and the, uh, plague. Remember that . Last week thank you, citizen. Last week, the daily number of new coronavirus cases went up in 22 states, but thats not going to stop trump from holding a rally this saturday in tulsa, oklahoma, no matter how many people want him to stop. In an editorial yesterday, tulsas largest newspaper, the tulsa world, opined, this is the wrong time and tulsa is the wrong place for the trump rally. But you know what they say, two wrongs make a rally full of whites. The paper explained, the city and state have authorized reopening, but that doesnt make a mass indoor gathering of people pressed closely together and cheering a good idea. Yes, its not. Otherwise, i would still be doing it in the ed sullivan theater i have forgotten what laughter sounds like, and it is killing me, but not as fast as having an audience would kill them. Thats why im sitting in my study, shouting jokes into the draperies. Even the blondehaired guy who is steve doocy questioned this idea to mike pence this morning why dont you do some of the stuff outside . We just had dr. Oz on about a half an hour ago, and he said when youre in an enclosed place with a lot of people yelling and you do hope theres a lot of yelling and cheering at the rally in a couple of days you have the aerosol, and that stays in the air for hours. So just in the interest of public safety, maybe you do it outside going forward. Well, steve, you know, you raise a good point. And what i can tell you is its all a work in progress. Stephen that is not reassuring. Its like youre about to have unprotected sex and you say to your partner, wait, dont you have chlamydia . And they say, well, darling, you raise a good point, and what i can tell you is its all a work in progress. Now, the Trump Campaign says that Hand Sanitizer and face masks will be offered to all attendees, though not necessarily required. Then theyre not going o wear them, just like trump doesnt wear them, which puts trump in danger, too. The president of the United States is going to be exposed to the aerosolized spittle of 19,000 people. Honest to god, how does the secret service allow him to do that . Look, i never thought id say this, but, sir, please, build the wall. The campaign apparently has no social distancing plans. People will likely be packed shoulder to shoulder, which is a concept the president has endorsed, saying it loses a lot of flavor to have his devoted fans spread out. as trump and you gotta keep in the flavor because supporters like veal. I like em packed in tight, unable to move, or else the muscles get all stringy. And before anyone accuses me of be do not consider other people human. We have got a great show for you tonight. Ill be talking to comedian hasan minhaj. But when we come back, meanwhile remember meanwhile . Stick around. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. That sound you hear, that beautiful sound you hear, is our friend job batiste. Hey, jon. Jon hello. Whats going on, stephen . Stephen how are you doing today . Jon im using music as a coping mechanism. Stephen oh, i need it too. I couldnt sleep last night at all. Jon oh wow, yeah, you got a lot on your mind, too . Stephen yeah, yeah, we all. And the thing is i got up normally i listen to a podcast or something to go to sleep. Jon right. Stephen but i woke up before the podcasts get posted so i started listening to them from last week, so i was getting anxious about news that i already learned five days ago. It was a bad a bad loop to be in. Jon oh, no, yeah, the news now, i wouldnt want to repeat any of it. Its really something that i think is good to have a song in your heart. Ive been keeping that song i was playing, just trying to keep songs in my heart. I dont know if its about singing them even, just having them in the rotation, you know. Stephen would you would you mind playing a little bit of the song thats in your heart right now . Jon oh, yeah, of course. Stephen thank you. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Its in there. Its in there. Jon yes, indeed. Stephen thank you, jon. You know, i spend a lot of time hewing the biggest slabs of news marble out of Current Events mountain, assembling them according to detailed architectural plans, carving intricate barreliefs into the walls, and ornamenting it all with a lapidary of precious gemstones to create for you the taj mahal that is my monolog but sometimes, sometimes i like to drag some corrugated tin slats into the woods, clamp em together with bungie cords, toss a torn boat sail over it, then hunker down to scribble a joke manifesto in the demented loner cabin of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephquarantinewdarth vadeh village. And the campaigns objective is to tell off residents who still go outdoors without the proper quarantine passes needed and also those who do not wear face masks. And vader is particularly harsh on those who dont wash their hands nooooo stephen as vader i find your lack of hygiene disturbing. A little more bane than it was vader, i will admit that. A little more bane than vader. Quarantinewhile, after more than two months of lockdowns for coronavirus, there are hopeful signs that we may be emerging from our Long National nightmare, because costco has announced their free samples will return this month. Finally finally to eating a tiny square of cheese off a big tray of tiny squares of cheese and Room TemperatureTurkey Sausage that has been sitting out for hours. Nature is healing. That one hit home. Yeah. Stephen quarantinewhile, pages of his previously unpublished notes show that isaac newton proposed curing plague with toad vomit, using blended powdered toad with toad vomit to form lozenges, to which 17th century england said, ill stick with the plague. Quarantinewhile, a brewery is offering 20,000 for someone to hike the entire appalachian trail while drinking beer. The Devils BackboneBrewing Company is hiring a chief hiking officer, who will trek the entire 2,200mile trail from georgia to maine, consuming and sharing plenty of brews along the way. Alternately, theyll give you a canoe, and you can row to maine on a river of your own urine. Quarantinewhile, a recently published scientific paper asks an important question did bevoe toa punch to the jaw . When my kid asks for hot wheels, he expects hot wheels, old man. The article was published in the scientific journal integrative organismal biology, easily in my top three favorite journals of organismal biology. It was previously argued that beards evolved as ornamentation to attract a mate. But this new research argues that hairs in a beard would collectively diffuse the force of a blow and so may have evolved in response to the need to win malemale battles. Checks out. Leave it to men to spend thousands of years evolving shock absorbers for your face instead of just being less of a dick. Quarantinewhimiowave hack to prevent sogginess, saying add a halffull cup of water to the microwave with your pizza and heat for around 30 seconds. And for optimum flavor, leave the dominos in the microwave and order pizza from anywhere else. Well be right back with comedian hasan minhaj. Find great savings during kohls Super Saturday. Friends family take an extra 20 off. Save on mens and womens denim adidas footwear just 44. 99 and under and get up to 60 off bath bedding. Plus get kohls cash plus, limitedcontact store drive up. Its Super Saturday at kohls. Tonight, try pure zzzs all night. Unlike other sleep aids, our extended release melatonin helps you sleep longer. And longer. Zzzquil pure zzzs all night. Fall asleep. Stay asleep. Ooh, im blinded by the lights vo verizon knows how to build unlimited right. Start with americas most awarded network. Offer it at a price built for everyone with the most advanced iphone yet. Iphone 11 pro on us when you buy one. Because everyone deserves the best. This is unlimited built right. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Theyre going to be paying for this for a long time. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident, even if its your fault. Cut sonny. Was that good . Line the desert never lies. Isnt that what i said . No you were talking about allstate and insurance. I just. When i. Lets try again. Everybody back to one. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a very funny comedian you know from patriot act with hasan minhaj. Please welcome, hasan minhaj hasan how are you . Im doing great, man how are you. Stephen im doing well. I send greetings from a mutual friend of ours. I just got off the phone with jon stewart. He says please give him my best. Oh thank you, wow. A mutual friend. Stephen well, hes a very friendly guy. Yeah, he was cool, too. Stephen very friendly guy. Yeah. Stephen good to see you. I watched this week your incredible monologue you did on this past weeks episode of patriot act where you respond to thergoyd g speaking directly to the Asian American community. Yeah. Stephen and, listen, as a white guy with his own privilege and his own guilt about systemic racism, thank you for showing that there are other forms of racism in the world that you are addressing from your own inimitable way. Im happy to carry some of that guilt, man, yeah. Stephen ive got plenty to share, if youd like some. I dont know. Are you on whatsapp, stephen, ofiosi tephen id like a lawyer before you answer this. Yeah, sure, why not . Okay. Its a big part of the Asian Community and the way we communicate with loved ones and friends around the world. And, you know, after the murder of george floyd and peaceful protests started happening, which then sort of led to some of the rioting and some of the looting that sort of broke off of that, there was a lot of very ugly conversations that were happening in our community on whatsapp, first generation aunties and uncles with their kids having these very tense conversation about protesting. Is this necessary . Have they gone too far . And i kind of felt, especially because a lot of first generation businesses, small businesses, were being affected by this, that i should put together a piece and kind of address address this really kind of ugly conversation that was happening. Because a lot of times when we talk about race in america, we consider it in our community to be a very blackwhite conversation, and we dont think that were participants in it. And i think theres two key pieces of information that we take for granted. Number one, the legislation that was passed in 1964 and 1965, the immigration act that was passed in 65, we are beneficiaries of that. Thats the reason why my dad was able to come here in 1982. So whether we like it or not, Martin Luther king jr. Ccd us on that email of progress so we owe a lot to the African American community here in america. And then number two, if you actually look at the photo of what happened during the killing, were at the scene of the crime, you know. The owner of cup foods is arab american muslim, and one of the four Police Officers is hmong american. So im not saying we were directly involved in the killing of george floyd, but were there, and its our job to take the knee off that mans neck. And to me, i just felt like it was a moment of solidarity for us to kind of step up and say, hey, we are part of america, and we dont just get to own its successes. We also have to own its failures. Thats what it means to be an american citizen. Stephen it has been received very well online. Its got more than four million views just on youtube. Yup. Stephen have you gotten any reactions from your friends and relatives . Yeah, a lot of people have been saying you know, around the world just, hey, can you translate this, please. And can you not use the f word so much . Stephen look what america has done to you, hasan. I know, man, i know. Stephen you did an episode in the fall of 2019, in september. Yes. That was all about our broken policing system in the United States. Yes, yes. Stephen what did you learn i mean, that is certainly a subject that has been going on a long time. You dedicated an entire episode to it. What dou learn, doing that, that you didnt know before . Well, going into it, it still was this kind of divisive, thirdrail issue. And its not like now where a lot of people, you know, not only in the writers room, but just kind of editorially were like, no, now is the time to talk about it. But to me the big thing that i found to be most shopping that i wanted to approach the whole episode about was to talk about qualified immunity. I had no idea that its almost impossible to sue a cop. I thought that was what we loved to do most in this country. Stephen thats what cory booker is trying to eliminate with his legislation. Yes. Stephen it doesnt have that much chance in the senate right now. And it got shot down, right, in the Supreme Court . Yeah. Stephen im not dont quote me on that one. Okay. Stephen dont quote me on that one. If im not mistaken again, dont quote me on this one i think tim scott said thats a poison pill and you have to take that off. We wont do anything that has it in there. To me, i remember one of the jokes i pitched in the writers room was one of the first songs that i learned when i was a little kid was the theme song to cellino and barnes. Stephen yeah, yeah. Lets hear it, cellino and barnes injury attorneys 8008888888 it was on tv all the time, stephen. Like, i thought i was like, yeah, we all we love suing each other. Stephen we all get to sue everybody, exactly. Yeah, but we cant sue cops. So understanding qualified immunity, Police Unions and warrior training, that was something that was really shocking to sort of see, and we wanted to analyze it that way. Why is it, even in the wake of the death of say, eric garner, why is it so hard once youve charged Police Officers to then prosecute bad Police Officers on. Have them serve time in stephen yes, that seems like a Pretty Simple argument to make because what often gets thrown back is, what, about the people who have done violence against the police . Oh, those people will stand trial. Oh, yeah, for sure, and they will get prosecuted and they will serve time in prison. Stephen its about equal justice, including anyone who commits a crime has to face the consequences. Thats thats where the anger comes from, aside from the violence and the oppression and the brutality. It actually comes from that there are no consequences for it. This is the whole thing that i dont like about people who kind of hog the conversation, the what aboutism. And youve dealt with that for a long time when you kind of have had politicians on the other side of the aisle but what about this . Black lives matter. Well, all lives matter. Its like, why are you making this about you . Like at any point, i remember my wedding day. If im like, today is my wedding day. Well, what about my wedding day . And its like, its not your wedding day. Stephen this is the worst wedding i have ever been to. Were not throwing rice. Okay. Stephen okay, youre a eaandup and you typically have stephen foat how nyave n without a live audience, do you know . Weve done seven. Stephen how does that feel . We built the green screen studio. Its in our living room, and prashanth, our show runner and creator of the show lives in the basement. Stephen he lives at your house . Yeah, hes downstairs right now. stomps on the floor stephen that sounds awful. Literally, its one thing i have cameras in my house and my wife is my entire crew right now, but, literally, your shown runner is in your basement . Yeah. I thought jon batiste lived upstairs. He doesnt . Stephen next door. We have a pulley system. We have a pulley system. Hasan, we have to take a quick break but stick around, everybody. Well be right back with more hasan minhaj. Having dry skin is a struggle. Turns out, my body wash was the problem. Until i tried olay body. Which improves skin 3 times better than the leading body wash. Better skin from a body wash . You Better Believe it. You know limu,g after all these years its the ones that got away that haunt me the most. [ squawks ] cause youre not like everybody else. 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Unlimited and nationwide 5g for just 25 dollars per line only at tmobile. Sweetnsour, spicy buffalo, tangy bbq. Each mcnugget, a chance to diversify your sauce portfolio. Ba da ba ba ba neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repair®. Weve got the retinol that gives you results in one week. Not just any retinol. Accelerated retinol sa. But youngerlooking skin in just one week. And thats clinically proven. Results that fast or your money back. Unless youre attached to your wrinkles. One week is all it takes. Neutrogena®. Itchy . Scratchy . Family not oget charmin ultra strong. It just cleans better, so your family can use less. Hello clean bottom enjoy the go with charmin. Stephen hey, everybody, were back with the host of patriot act hasan minhaj. Well, congratulations on the new baby. Thank you. Stephen whats it like this is your second child. Whats it like to have babies in covid, under quarantine . We had the baby right as covid was hitting the states, and were very lucky, you know. Shoutouts to mount sinai east. Baby boy was born healthy. But it was weird, man. Like seeing, you know, doctors with, like, you know just, like, dish washing gloves and donated p. P. E. It was a really stephen wow. Strange thing. And hes part of this new generation of kids. Thats, theyre the stephen do they have a name . Our kids split between millennial and genz. , i think. Is there a name . Stephen, i hear theyre called genc. I thought quaranteens was the way to go. But theyre genc. Stephen they eventually will be the quarantines. Stephen, you know theres a war right now. Stephen there is . Yeah, between the generations. Stephen whos winning . Right now a fullon onslaught its a massacre right now genz hates my generation, the millennials. Stephen okay. For a longest time there was a big thing between millennials, genx, and we all collectively hated the boomers. But right now, my generation, were getting our asses handed to us. Were getting made fun of our dietary habits. Were getting made fun of our love of pop culture and harry potter and 90s television. And ill be honest a lot of my core demographic has been ripping me a new one in the internet comments. Stephen do you engage . En d i have engaged. I have engaged. Stephen youre outnumbered. Ill tell you what the giveaway is. Theyll be like, that joke is so cringey. And ill be like, really,ure d ilike, what am i doing . This guy is nine years old. But im not going to take crap from a person who is dunking on me with their older sisters cracked iphone 6s. Stephen so you recently did an episode of patriot act calling out trump for not taking the pandemic seriously. First of all, well spotted. I dont know what the clues were. Yeah. Stephen that you teased out of his behavior. On it was jus was rig a unique there. We picked it up. Stephen youre not going to get that anywhere else. Thats what you go to patriot act for. Tell me about this tell me about this trump guy. So what do you make of him holding the rally in tulsa on saturday . Look, i think its so interesting. You know, for the longest time i felt like, as a country weve been looking for leadership, and right now we dont really need a president. I think we need a commissioner. I feel like n. B. A. Commissioner adam silver has done a great job. Hes managed 30 teams better than trump has managed 50 states. Stephen sure. While everybodys easing things back in, i find it kind of terrifying that he wants to fullon raw dog that rona this week, and i certainly hope people wear masks. Stephen evidently, theyre going to give the masks and Hand Sanitizer, but theyre saying you dont have to use them. Its optional . Stephen its optional. My thing is i think they can make it work if they just rebranded the masks. We have to think of masks because its become this culture war. But we have to think of masks as bumper stickers for your face. Stephen i like it. I like it. Just put whatever you want on it. Stephen like any recommendations . Hydroxychloroquine is the bleep . Stephen this isnt netflix. You cant say that on cbs. We have a okay, alt, alt. 5g causes covid. Stephen oh wow, i heard that. The one i really like if i was at rally would be, Merry Christmas, say it back. When i used to bag groceries at safeway i used to bag groceries at safeway, there was this one guy during christmas youre supposed to say Merry Christmas and one of our managers he got really mad, dexter, and one time he was ringing up and i was bagging groceries, and he said Merry Christmas to a young lady. And she didnt say it back. And he goes, Merry Christmas. Merry christmas, say it back. And i have never forgotten that. Stephen to a customer . To a customer, Merry Christmas, say it back. Stephen thats dicey. Well, hasan, thank you for being here. Obviously, Merry Christmas. You, too, Merry Christmas to you, too. Stephen new episodes of patriot act with hasan minhaj are on netflix every sunday. Thats every sunday. Every sunday stephen hasan minhaj, everybody. Thanks so much for being here, buddy. Well be right back with a performance by jason isbell and the 400 unit. Does your deodorant protect you all day . We put dove men care to the test with mike who transforms homes for those in need. I feel comfortable and protected all day long. Dove men care 48h freshness with triple action moisturizer. Proof i can fight moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. Proof i can fight psoriatic arthritis. With humira. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin in psa. Humira targets and blocks a source of inflammation that contributes to joint pain and irreversible damage. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. 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Call or go online today. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Performing running with our eyes closed from their album reunions, ladies and gentlemen, jason isbell and the 400 unit. One, two, one two three four. Took forever to get you to trust me like i was feeding a bird from my hand and if this isnt love then it must be another answer i dont understand to a prayer that was please and not thank you to a question i wrote in the sand to a wish that i made on a satellite from a witness in tears on the stand running with our eyes closed running with our eyes closed ell yoe whyou are when you when youre scared or youre sad or youre bored when a stranger has slipped you a room key to a hotel room you couldnt afford and we can never go back and be strangers all our secrets are mixed and distilled but youve taught me to temper my anger and youve learned its alright to be still running with our eyes closed running with our eyes closed running with our eyes closed running with our eyes closed sleeping on my own when you wont forgive me swallowing my pride til i nearly choke screaming at the phone when you dont believe me and laughing at the joke running with our eyes closed running with our eyes closed running with our eyes closed running with our eyes closed stephen thanks, jason and the 400 unit. Check out another song from them, as well as other great performances, in our playat home series, online at colbertlateshow. Com. Well be right back. Sphen stick around for james corden. But first, lets say good night with some music from jon batiste and stay human. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by cbs the late late show, oh, oh the late late show oh, oh its the late late show james good evening, everyone, and welcome to the late late show. Were here. Weve got aboue