Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240713

Okay. Ill take a nap. This sort of thing never happened back at the ed sullivan theater. God, i wish i was there again. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, is stephen sleeping or is he awake . And is all existence just a collective hallucination to deceive us about the true nature of reality . Plus, stephen welcomes Thandie Newton. And ina garten. With a special appearance by john mulaney. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live from his own subconscious, its Stephen Colbert stephen whoo hey, everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much. Please, please have a seat. Ladies and gentlemen. Everybody, in here, out there, all around the world. Welcome to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause audience stephen, Stephen Stephen and. Hold on a second. cheers and applause click silence there you go. Folks, as you can see, i am coming to you once again from the beautiful ed sullivan theater here in midtown manhattan. And i can do this because today, may 1, the federal stayathome order has been lifted. And since were governed by the federal communications commission, im pretty sure thats olly olly oxen free. Of course, im playing it safe by being a cartoon, which is the ultimate mask. And, im so happy to be able to say this and see this man in person, please say hello to the great jon batiste, everybody. Jon, good to see you. piano riff jon great to see you, too, stephen. How do i sound . piano stephen you sound fantastic. You look a little flat, but you sound amazing. Im so happy to be back here. Ever since the lockdown, ive been dreaming about doing the show here at the ed sullivan. Wait a minute. Maybe this is just a dream. Hold on, let me check. Nope. Not waking up. This must be real life. Jon its real, stephen piano riff ad im staying human. Ooh, thats some smokin squid right there piano riff stephen moving on to something slightly more cartoonish, donald trump. Trumps poll numbers have been going right down the tweeting throne, because he so fragrantly shanked the response to the coronavirus. For example, his series of disastrous press conferences, in which he suggested, among other things, that people somehow put bleach into their bodies. Okay, lets give that a try. Okay, thats a little too much. Lets fix that. There you go. So, to continue his perfect record for never taking responsibility for anything, trump has started a Public Campaign to blame china for the pandemic. as trump i want to see the virus long form birth certificate. I have a feeling its from china, which many are calling the kenya of asia. specifically, trump has pressured the Intelligence Community for evidence to support an unsubstantiated theory that a Government Laboratory in wuhan was the origin of the coronavirus outbreak. Ive seen that theory, too, from my source on the internet who assures me, ermahgerd, cerernervehrus came from a wuhern lerb but yesterday, the director of National Intelligence released a statement saying, the Intelligence Community concurs with the wide Scientific Consensus that the covid19 virus was not manmade or genetically modified. Oh, not genetically modified. So its better for you than corn . Scientific consensus is that covid19 began as a bat virus. No word yet on how it spread to humans, but scientists think the likely culprit was this man. I had sex with a bat. Upside down. It was pretty hot. Yesterday, trump said he believed the wuhan Lab Conspiracy theory, and then reporters pressed him on why he believed that. Yes, i have. Yes, i have. Stephen yes, he has. Trump looked at the virus under a microscope and saw it was clearly made in china. The reporter pressed him further. I cant tell you that. Im not allowed to tell you that. Stephen as trump i could tell you, but then id have to kill you. Probably with the virus im not taking seriously. And what do you mean, youre not allowed to . Youre the president. Anything you say is instantly declassified. as trump look, id love to tell you, but my boss would kill me. Again, with the virus im not taking seriously. Trump made these comments at an event about protecting seniors, a group hes not sure he belongs to. This afternoon, ill sign a proclamation declaring the month of may to be Older Americans month. I dont know if im in that category. I have a feeling i am. But i feel good. Stephen im pretty sure being confused about whether you belong in the Older Americans category means you belong in the Older Americans category. Trump also weighed in on the character of his old pal general michael flynn. I think hes a fine man. I think hes got a great family. He loves his son. I will tell you, his son was around a lot, and he loves his son, as people generally do. Stephen as trump people generally love their sons, but, of course, there is an eric to every rule. Trump desperately misses his rallies. So on sunday, hes planning what he hopes is the next best thing a twohour event on emerging from the coronavirus pandemic, live from the Lincoln Memorial. I cant think of anything more appropriate than to stand in front of Abraham Lincoln and say, let the states do whatever they want. Its up to them. The planners say they picked the Lincoln Memorial because they wanted a powerful image of american strength and the idea of what reopening looks like. And thats why were doing it in front of a man frozen in stone, indoors, sitting in a chair for all eternity. Now, during the pandemic, we havent heard a lot from Presumptive Democratic nominee and National Tooth reserve, joe biden. Up till now, biden has been especially silent when it comes to the allegations of Sexual Assault made by his former staffer, tara reade. Early last year, reade told the Associated Press that when she worked for biden in 1993, he rubbed her shoulders and neck and played with her hair. Now, that would be wrong even if he were her hairdresser unless he worked at superuncomfortable cuts. But on a recent podcast, reade took the allegations much further, alleging that, while delivering a gym bag to biden in a Congressional Office building, he. Did something really bad, something im not allowed to say on cbs. How do i do this . A little help, please . Stephen yes, what he said. And did. Parts of reades story have been corroborated by her brother, a former coworker, and a former neighbor, who all said she told them about it at the time. And a newlyresurfaced video from 1993 appears to show reades mother calling in to larry king live to seek advice around the time of the alleged assault. Wow you know its a rough era for women when their best option for help was calling larry king. It was either that, the butterball hotline, or being caller number 10 on wyyy in the morning with wally and the snooch. Whats the phrase that makes abusers pay . Haha, thats a trick question, there isnt one i dont want to work i just want to bang on the drum all daydayday well, today, the former Vice President finally addressed the charges with coffee joe and the brew crew, and mika morning drove straight at it. Would you please go on the record with the American People . Did you sexually assault tara reade . No. It is not true. Im saying unequivocally it never, never happened, and it didnt, it never happened. Stephen there it is. Complete denial. And furthermore, he doesnt remember her complaining about him. I dont remember any type of complaint she may have made. It was 27 years ago. And, i dont remember, nor does anyone else that im aware of. And, the fact is that that i dont remember. I dont remember any complaint ever being made. Stephen so he doesnt remember anything, though research does show there is memory loss associated with decades of huffing hair. Now, mika pushed biden, asking if he could promise her he never had a Sexual Assault complaint, and he did not hesitate to equivocate. I am absolutely positive that no one that i am aware of, ever, was been made aware of any complaint, a formal complaint made by, or a complaint by tara reade against me at the time this allegedly happened 27 years ago, or until the i announced for pres well, i guess it was in april or may of this year. I know of no one who is aware that any complaint was made. Stephen thats a lot of qualifications. as joe biden look, look, im not aware that i am aware of anybody being aware of any persons knowing that anyone was aware of a complaint to my awareness. Listen, jack, i dont care where youre aware, as long youre not a werewolf. Whats the question . Trump was asked about the biden case yesterday, and he was unhelpfully sympathetic. You know, it could be false accusations. I know all about false accusations. I have been falsely charged numerous times. Stephen as trump look, ill make joe a deal. Ill say that he was falsely accused this one time, as long as he agrees that i was falsely accused 21 times. Tell you what let me sweeten the deal. Even if he loses in november, i promise to make joe a Supreme Court justice. Nobody tell him what boofing is. Like many of these cases, its hard to know exactly what happened after so many years. And a lot of people have compared this to accusations of Christine Blasey ford against brett kavanaugh. And thats legitimate. And while both accusations should be taken seriously, there is at least one difference a nominee to the Supreme Court goes through a process of investigation by the f. B. I. , then confirmation by the senate. And then the senators judge. But for the presidency, theres only you, the voters. Youre the jury. And you are ready to be a jury, because youre already sequestered. Weve got a great show for you tonight. From hbos west world Thandie Newton is here. But when we return, definitive proof that donald trump watches my show. Hi, mr. President my show. Hi, mr. President a new moment in wireless has begun. Bile and sprint are joining forces. By bringing together our two networks, tmobile will build americas largest and most reliable 5g network. With more towers, more engineers, and more coverage. Youll get the best 5g network, and the best prices. Welcome to tmobile. Americas largest 5g network. Ill start. Oh, do you want to go first . No, no i dont. You go. I was just going to say on slide 7, talking about bundling and saving. Umm. Jamie, youre cutting out. Sorry im late hey, whoevers doing that, can you go on mute . Oh, my bad i was just saying theres a typo on slide 7. Bundle home auto for big discosnouts. I think thats supposed to say discounts. You sure about that . Hey, can you guys see me . And we want you to know that the starbucks app is the easiest way to find your store, order ahead, pay, and pick up your favorites. We cant wait to see you again. Breathe freely fast, with vicks sinex. My congestions gone. I can breathe again ahhhh i can breathe again ughh vicks sinex. Breathe on. Feel like getting back out there . Nissan is ready to help you with a bold, awardwinning lineup. And great offers. Kick off summer. With no payments for 3 months. Plus, well cover your payments for up to 2 more months. Or get 0 financing on 13 models for up to 84 months. Stephen snoring oh, hey. I just had the weirdest dream. I was fully clothed. Anyway, welcome back. Now, folks, if you watch the show every night and i hope you do you know that last night, my guest was new york senator chuck schumer, seen here trying to remember the last place he saw his glasses. Well, you know who else watched him on the late show last night . Donald trump. Because today, he talked about it on the radio show of conservative commentator and living can of protein powder, dan bongino. And spoiler the president wasnt impressed with schumer. Stephen oh, my god donald trump watched my interview mr. President , i know you may not have liked senator schumer, but you should check out my monologue. I say your name a lot. Youre kind of the star in that, youre slowly expanding to destroy all of us. Who am i kidding . He wasnt thrilled with me, either. Stephen mr. President , i have some terrible news. And its not that johnnys dead. Its that he thought you were a joke, too. Dont worry about gennifer flowers. She got a new job she got fired, you know. She was a receptionist at an unemployment agency. She got canned. But she got a new job today, as a donald trump backup mistress. laughter stephen heyo also, ill tell you how i make my money. I dont bankrupt my casinos. Heyo now, of course, im in the meat in a twitter fight sandwich, because trump also tweeted about it, and schumer responded im glad to see President Trump is watching Stephen Colbert. Maybe hell learn something. I do have a lot to teach the president. For example, i also ran for president. But unlike trump, i knew it was a joke. Well be right back with a special Community Calendar with our friend john mulaney. Energizer. N match the power of because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Im ms. V, a Delivery Driver here in euless, texas. Good neighbors is there for one another during a time like these. We are here to serve you during lunchtime, breakfast and dinner, and we will deliver to you. Im here for you and we can get through this together. Theand we want to thank times, the Extraordinary People in the healthcare community, working to care for all of us. At novartis, we promise to do our part. As always, were doing everything we can to help keep cosentyx accessible and affordable. If you have any questions at all, call us, email us, visit us online. Were here to help support you when you need us. Take care, and be well. To learn more, call one eight four four cosentyx or visit cosentyx. Com stephen welcome back, everybody. One of my favorite segments we do on the late show is something called Community Calendar, where a celebrity guest and i highlight actual Upcoming Events happening in a small town that they happen to be from. Events like poetry readings, local battles of the bands, deepfried testicle festivals you know, the heartland. Well, i want to do it again, but, of course, right now, all those local events have been canceled. However, resourceful people across the country have been holding the same sorts of incredible events online, because were now all living in the same small town known as the internet. Here to help me discuss some of the best Online Events, a man who is currently online himself, john mulaney hello, Stephen Stephen thank you for being here, john. Are you ready to highlight some real upcoming Online Events . I have literally nothing else going on right now stephen great then its time for Community Calendar internet edition. phone dialing modem connecting stephen welcome to Community Calendar, your source for everything happening on the web that isnt porn. John, do you enjoy the internet . Oh, i sure do. Its perfect for when i want to feel bad about myself. Stephen well, lets show some people some real upcoming Online Events that they can attend. First up, are you a book lover looking for a sense of community . Then check out the quarantined pages project using the hashtag readingaparttogether. Every day they are hosting a onehour silent reading session on zoom. Its the perfect event for anyone who wants to be silently ignored, but does not have a cat. Then, for all you cooks out there, on saturday, may the 2nd, sacramentos scratchmade life is hosting sausage making, online. Its like the saying goes you dont want to know how the sausage gets made, because its so fun that youll just want to do it all the time. Stephen every wednesday, staten islands frank d. Paulo Intermediate School is hosting the masked singer at paulo, where middle School Teachers perform in masks, while students try to guess who they are. Its perfect for any teacher who likes working from home, but misses getting made fun of by students. So, please tune in to see who is behind mister charmin. Then quickly log off before you see him reuse that toilet paper. Stephen for a stunning look at nature, check out explore. Orgs live webcam of the Aurora Borealis from naitoba, canada. Go full screen to see why scientists call the Northern Lights natures screen saver. And this saturday, may 2, little rocks Club Nevermore will host cabin fever, an Online Dance Party featuring four hours of goth industrial tacks. Plus goth gossip in our chat room. Goth gossip, by the way, is what they originally called obituaries. Hey, stephen, do you want to hear some hot goth gossip . Stephen always hit me with the hot goth goss. You know jack raven the bassist in that bauhaus cover band, the gloomy accountants . Stephen raven rules. Well, i saw him smiling and wearing pastels. Stephen get out yes and guess where he was . Stephen bed, bath and beyond . Buildabear workshop. Stephen wait, what were you doing there . Oh, i like to take my nephew there and then not buy him anything so he gets upset. Stephen thats awful. Thank you. Stephen on may 12, the United States office of Personnel Management will host a webinar on preparing a resume for federal jobs. Learn helpful tips, like if you want to head up a Coronovirus Task force, under relevant experience, put married to the president s daughter. Tuesday, may 5, join allentown forward thinking fitness on zoom for free kids superhero training an interactive Training Session for kids that features such superheroes as batman, wonder woman, captain america, spider man, bat girl, and many more. So come for the workout and stay to see d. C. And marvel team up to sue a local gym. Stephen want to exercise from home, but also enjoy drinking . Then sign up for a virtual drunk yoga class. Start the session in downward facing dog and end the night in downwardfacing toilet bowl. But theres more. Every friday at 8 00 p. M. , jersey citys art House Productions presents virtual drag bingo hosted by harmonica. Sunbeam. I cant wait to tune in and find out what her drag name is. Stephen every night at 7 00 central on facebook live, you can check out quarantine quarterhour a daily variety show brought to you by a farm somewhere near nashville. It features live music, magic tricks, and occasional relationship advice. That advice . Dont date a musical magician who lives on a farm. Well, comma, that does it for this edition of Community Calendar. Check out colbertlateshow. Com for the links to the events weve covered here tonight. If you see any other links on the internet, remember dont click em. Stephen thank you, john mulaney. John mulaney, everybody. Well be right back. vo love. Its what weve always said makes subaru, subaru. And right now, love is more important than ever. In response to covid19, subaru and our retailers are donating fifty million meals to feeding america, to help feed those who now need our help. Its all part of our commitment to our communities through subaru loves to help. Love, its what makes subaru, subaru. Step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, theres another prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. Its not for everyone. Descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. Talk to your doctor to find out if its right for you. Step up. For health and body. Prep up for your one and only love or many loves. For kings, this queen, and you royals in between. For my now. Our now. And my future. Our future. Step up. Prep up. Descovy is another way to prep. Descovy does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections, so its important to use safer sex practices and get tested regularly. You must be hivnegative to take descovy for prep. So you need to get tested for hiv immediately before and at least every 3 months while taking it. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. They may check to confirm you are still hivnegative. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. The most common side effect was diarrhea. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy without talking to your doctor. Ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. Words are loud but actions are louder. Step up. Prep up. With descovy for prep. Get help paying for descovy for prep. Learn more at stepupprepup. Com and we want you to know that the starbucks app is the easiest way to find your store, order ahead, pay, and pick up your favorites. We cant wait to see you again. Wthe Natural Light is amazing. Hardwood floors. There is a bit of a clogging problem. clog dancing at least geico makes it easy to bundle our renters and car insurance. Yeah, helping us save us even more. For bundling made easy, go to geico. Com when you think of a bank, you think of people in a place. But when you have the chase mobile app, your bank can be virtually any place. So, when you get a check. You can deposit it from here. And you can see your transactions and check your balance from here. You can detect suspicious activity on your account from here. And you can pay your friends back from here. So when someone asks you, wheres your bank . You can tell them heres my bank. Or heres my bank. Or, heres my bank. Because if you download and use the chase mobile app, your bank is virtually any place. So visit chase. Com mobile. Stephen welcome back, everybody. She is an Emmy Awardwinning actress you know from westworld, which is now in its third season. Please welcome to a late show, Thandie Newton. Hey, thandie hi stephen that is a fantastic tshirt. Right . I just reached into my wardrobe and it was the first thing that came out. Stephen oh, and a matching mug i know, i just went into the kitchen and just grabbed it stephen youre totally set for quarantine. Youre just vibing in this house in london. Stephen how are you handling your quarantining, thandie . Well, it is a blessing to be with all of my children, to have them locked in the house for eight weeks. Stephen are you back in the u. K. . Yeah, were in london. My 19yearold who moved out at the end of last year is back home. So thats fantastic stephen we have the same experience here. Because because i have an adult daughter and i have, essentially an adult son, about to graduate from college, and theyre back with us, too. While its all terrible, its kind of lovely that we get to trap all of our chickadees in the chicken coop again. Yeah, but also were all going through this experience together. Were all sharing, and theyre seeing, you know, my husband and i trying to do as much as we can you know, for the effort to help the vulnerable, the particularly vulnerable during this time. And were all doing our bit, you know. And, but theres a lot of playing. A lot of playing. Stephen well, listen, youre a gifted actress. Your husband is a director and a writer. Your one of your children. Is it im sorry, we had her on the show. Nico, who came on the show. Stephen nico, yes, she was lovely, from dumbo. And, so, you guys could write and shoot your own movie, couldnt you . I know, we should, shouldnt we . You would think we would do that. Stephen how frank are your children with you about your performances . Do you get critiques from them . Thats good. Ive got one of them here, should we ask her . Stephen please, sure. Come on, noodle. Stephen hey, nico good to see you again. You, too. Stephen so, tell me about your moms performances. Do you ever give her critiques . I dont watch them. Stephen that is a critique right there. I mean, i watched one episode of westworld. She was great. You were great. Thanks. The one thing i, like, i really do praise her on is big mouth. Stephen sure, sure. Thats where you get the praise. She was super impressed and i didnt know that she was watching it. I was probably hoping she wasnt watching it. And i had already recorded a season of it, and i went into nicos bedroom one day, and she was watching it, and i was like, oh, yeah, i did that. And she was pretty impressed. You were in awe, werent you . I was in awe, i was. Stephen thats nice. And you said youve watched one episode of westworld . I watched from the first season, the second episode. Did you . Yeah. Stephen well, you know what . The nice thing about westworld, is you can just watch one episode and you know everything that is going on. You totally have the idea. I think we probably forwarded through quite a lot of it. I mean, i remember there was, like, a death or something, and i had to cover my eyes. So i was very confused. But you were great. Oh, thanks. I think, basically, its its just never going to happen. It must be very odd. It must be very odd to see your parent. I mean, i watched you, and i thought you were fantastic. Through my tears. That was different. Yeah. Do you remember when you were going to a retreat, i think . Yeah. Ages ago, and there was one scene where she not to spoil it but she got shot in the head. And, obviously, they were going to put the bullet wound and then c. G. I. It out afterwards but she reacted like shed just been shot in the head. And i remember me and my sister i think we had to be pushed back away from the set because we were laughing so hard. They were laughing. We thought her reaction was so funny. Stephen thats nice. Thats nice. I just thought it would be good for them to see the before and after and demystify the whole thing. Stephen thats better than some reactions. What are you guys doing in the house . Are you who is the cook . Because everybody is stuck together. There has been a lot of baking, a lot of cooking going on. Who in your family is the cook . I make a mean banana bread. I hear you do, too. Stephen i do. Its my wifes recipe. Its my wife evies banana bread recipe. She said i make a mean banana bread, shes heard. But i mostly just watch. And eat. Stephen i made it once and brought it into my staff and convinced them that i was a baker. With banana bread so you lied. Oh, my god, i did this terrible thing once though, stephen so i was doing a movie in vancouver, and i basically to befriend people, i would make them a banana loaf, a banana bread. I made one for judi dench and she loved it, loved it, loved it. So and i made one for the director. And i didnt realize the butter that i had used was rancid, and so i gave it to him. And he was really because he had been working hard. He was suffering, right . He was really i think his immune system was pretty knocked out. So the next day i heard that he was in hospital on a drip because he had such violent Food Poisoning that he i mean, and we all the film shut down for four days because of it. And no one knew it was me. This is im saying it now for the first time. Stephen no one it was me. Stephen that would actually make a pretty good murder mystery. No one would suspect the murder weapon was the banana bread. The rancid goat butter in the banana bread. Yeah. But it was good to have the four days off, it really was. Stephen everyone has plans being canceled left and right, but you might have a plan canceled that tops everybody else. You were supposed to receive an o. B. E. , which is for those who dont know order of the british empire. And your ceremony got postponed. Yeah. Stephen can you receive an o. B. E. Over zoom . No way. Im going to wait until ive got inperson royal skin to, you know although they wear gloves, dont they . Stephen they have to. Just to keep them away from the, the riffraff. They have to have gloves on. Look, as long as it takes, babe. As long as it takes. Im in it for the im in it for the proper visit to the castle, all of it. Stephen how have they prepped you . What are you supposed to do . Like, what comes with it . Does it come from a side of fries . What do you get with the o. B. E. . Oh, well, i spoke to someone who has already received one and on the low down he told me theres a wonderful gift shop afterwards. So stephen wait a second. Theres a gift shop . Yes stephen so theres an angle on this one, were turning some coin on this. No, but, you know, those poor little knights. Im going to get it all, babe, seriously. If its a key ring with my picture in it, coasters, you know. This is going to be, like, out the door, replaced with stephen get me something nice, would you . As an american i cant get an o. B. E. As an american. Obviously i would have one by now. I reckon theyll have boxer shorts stephen teacup. Something nice . Teacup . Not boxer shorts . Stephen sure. Okay, okay. Ill see what i can get for you. Stephen now, the Season Finale of westworld is this sunday on hbo. Can you tell us anything about the finale, or are you sworn to secrecy . Okay, well, very unhelpfully, i have known Evan Rachel Wood now for six years, since we started the show, and we havent had a lot to do together on the show. And we finally come together in this explosive way. And weve been doing stunt Work Together in rehearsals and i always felt like the biggest loser, and i just cant seem to do it. And i find out at the end of shooting that shes a black belt in tae kwon do. I mean, ill got my o. B. E. , so. O. B. E. , tae kwon do black belt . Who is going to win . That made me feel much better, actually. Thats to give a hint of that much going on. Stephen were you totally was the season totally done before the quarantining began . Yes, it was. Although the postproduction hadnt finished. And so, we had already started. The season had begun to air when covid really took hold globally. And so there was talk about how we were going to get the last four episodes finished because we couldnt go in to do a. D. R. , which is additional dialogue recording. So they ended up asking us to do it from home. I dont have a sound studio. I dont even have an office, stephen, if you can believe it. And i did it in the car in the garage. Stephen really . I did, and it worked. So, im never going to a. D. R. Studios again. Stephen i know. I think there are a lot of things were never going to do again, now that we can do them from home. You look comfortable there. I think you should stay right where you are. Stephen i am. Im never going to wear a tie again. Dont. Im going to wear this every day just in readiness for the next time. Stephen well, thandie, thank you so much for being on. Nico, lovely to see you again. It was so nice to see you, angel. Wishing you so much goodwill and well all get through this. Stephen absolutely, absolutely. Stay safe. Stay strong. Yay yay stephen the season three finale of westworld airs this sunday on hbo. Thandie newton, everybody and nico. When we come back, ill be making cocktails with ina garten. Stick around. On sunday night and every night. Nyquil severe. The nightime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, best sleep with a cold, medicine. Its good to know. A lot hasnt changed, at all. Add some resistance. Sara, your movie plus trial is about to expire. Do you want to continue or cancel . Capital one knows life doesnt update you about your credit card. So meet eno. The capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Another way capital one is watching out for your money when youre not. Whats in your wallet . Get 0 apr financing up to 36 months on most models, and 90day firstpayment deferral on any model. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest is the bestselling cookbook author and beloved host of the Food Networks barefoot contessa. Please welcome ina garten. Hello there you are laughs stephen there you are, too. All right stephen i i one of the things i love about your show is that its so intimate. I feel like im in your kitchen while youre cooking. So im totally prepared for this kind of intimacy right now. Its isnt it great . I mean, you can do it from home. Its not the same, but its still its different. Its interesting to see where people live. Stephen yes. And you get a sense of who they think they are by whats behind them, right . Dont you . Stephen yes. I can tell who you are because you have you have cabinets behind me. Im in the kitchen. Where else would i be . Stephen hospitality behind you, is what you have. You have a dinner party behind you. I have a big sign with my own name on it. Now, you and jeffrey have been married for 52 years, which is beautiful. Yeah. Stephen have you learned anything new about jeffrey from this intimate time together . You know, when we were married for, i think like a year and a half, we had four months and nothing to do and no money. He was going to graduate school. And i just we just decided that we were going to get two really cheap tickets to europe. We bought an orange pup tent which was like three feet tall. And we lived in that pup tent for four months. And at the end of that i thought, if were still such good friends, we can survive anything. So being quarantined in a whole house is like a luxury. laughs it was really it was it was the moment you knew everything was going to be okay. Stephen now, a couple of weeks ago, you made a bit of a splash, had a viral moment, when you posted on instagram making a cocktail in a huge martini glass. I just, i dont know why. I just i had this glass, and i thought, oh, this would be really funny. I had no idea what was going to happen. It was like a bomb exploded. laughs are we making cocktails together . Stephen i hope so. Oh, good. Stephen the fact that somebody has a martini glass that size says a lot about the person. It says something about my friends, that they think i need a glass this size. It was a gift. Stephen yeah, exactly. Theres something about youve got one, too stephen cheers. Yeah, but, do you have the largest cocktail shaker ever . Stephen i i do i dont have it in the room. Do you . Stephen i dont have it in the room. Ill get it. Someone else gave me this cocktail shaker. And wait, are you ready . Stephen im ready to ill make my cocktail. You make your cocktail. Okay, great. Okay. Stephen im going to ask you some other questions. Okay. Okay. Stephen what time did you post that video, by the way, the other day . I was afraid you were going to ask that. It was 9 30 in the morning. I mean, its a virus, you know. Youre quarantined. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. You can have chocolate cake in the morning and you can have breakfast for dinner. Stephen what kind of drink are you making, ina . Im making a cosmopolitan. What are you making . Stephen im making an espresso martini. Its a martini . I thought youd be having bourbon. Stephen its an espresso martini. Ooh, that sounds good stephen so it will keep me going during the show. A shot of espresso. Some kahlua. Some vodka. Oh, that sounds good. Stephen its lovely. A nice chunk of ice in here. Right there. laughs i like that youre doing it on your desk. Is this a very natural place for you to be doing it . Stephen no, nothing about this is natural. Okay, 30 seconds. You have to do it for 30 seconds. Stephen 30 seconds. What did you learn about your wife that you didnt know before quarantine . Stephen how patient she could be with me. laughs thats good. Stephen though, i had hints of it over the years. Now, youre known for throwing fabulous dinner parties. A lot of people are having cocktail parties, dinner parties. What is the secret to throwing a good teledinner party . You know, its interesting. I thought i havent done a zoom dinner party, but a friend said we should do it. And she said the key is that everybody is eating the same thing. So you not only have that experience of seeing each other, but in fact you have the experience of really of smelling the same thing and eating the same thing. Wait a minute you have a humansized cocktail there i have a very large one. Cheers. laughs stephen cheers. Cheers. Stephen cheers. I didnt have enough coffee. Am i going to drink this . What . Stephen sure. Ill take a sip, at least. I think i need jeffrey to help me with this. Stephen is jeffrey there . He is. laughs jeffrey . Are you here . Uhoh. Hes lurking around. I think this is a twoperson cocktail, right . Stephen exactly. See people put crazy straws in heres jeffrey. Stephen hey, jeffrey good to see you. Good to see you. Do you want to see how we are so good together in quarantine . A straw for you. laughs a straw for me. Were good. Stephen though, technically, i think the straws are supposed to be six feet long. laughs this is good thats good yeah, thats really good. Its good, isnt it . Stephen now, this is a time of great anxiety for a lot of people. What do you do . What calms you down . What do we do that calms us down . You know, i think anything that makes you feel normal calms me down. Like, i kind of forget like, we get in the car and we drive to the beach and listen to a podcast. You know, just take a ride, or i dont know, what . Watch a movie. Watch a movie. Yeah, just things, like normal things. Work during the day. I cook i cook breakfast, lunch and dinner. I had no idea what this was going to be. Fortunately, i like to cook. Stephen one of my favorite things about the show, jeffrey, is when ina sends you on chores. laughs which i stephen now that you cant leave the house, what chores is she sending you to do now . Well, now i cant. Now i cant go out. laughs yeah, thats his excuse thats my excuse. Sorry, i cant do it. Stephen yeah, youd help if you could. To the market to get water, get bottles of water. Okay, youre good. Im good . Good to see you. Thank you for coming. Stephen good to see you. Take care. Hes very busy. Stephen bye, jeffrey. See you at the cheese shop. Hes such a good sport. Stephen ina, i know you like to bake. Are you baking anything new lately . Well, you know, im working i have a book coming out in the fall, appropriately called modern comfort food. How is that for prescient . And, the two things in there i like the most are something ive worked on for years, literally years boston cream pie. And i finally nailed it. So stephen i love boston cream pie. I know. And its usually boring, isnt it . Stephen sure. Its like, sweet and more sweet and vanilla and chocolate. laughs so i made a really good one. Stephen please, save me a slice. And black and white cookies. What . Stephen save me a slice, please. Ill save you a slice. And i know youre a good baker, because you made me the most delicious apple raisin cookies after the last time i was on the show. I was so touched that you did that. Stephen oh, im so glad you liked them. I was a little nervous to send them out to ina garten. No, no, they were so good do you share the recipe . Stephen no so good. No . Old family recipe. Stephen i cant remember it they were really good. And it was the next morning. I couldnt believe you went home and baked cookies. Stephen yeah, i essentially was trying to make my own pop tarts. Now, a lot of people are cooking with whatever is in their pantry right now. Yeah. Stephen theyre sort of rediscovering why they got those cans of, you know, cannalini beans, four years ago. So many beans stephen what is what is what are the staples that everybody should have . Like, name three things that everybody maybe wouldnt think of, but really they should have to sort of stretch their pantry. Whats really important . Certainly like olive oil. All different kinds of pasta. Canned tomatoes. You know, you can make so many things with that. You can make soup. You can make pasta. You can make a frittata with spaghetti in it. You can make all kinds of things. I think those are the big ones. And i people keep writing to me. And i started this instagram post, sort of saying what im cooking every day from the pantry. And people are sending in, you know, like, what do i do with the you know, the runner beans, or, i dont know, some kind of like, red beans that i have in the pantry . Im like, everybody got beans, but nobody knows what to do with them stephen and carbohydrates are a great tranquilizer. Forget the vegetables in your refrigerator. A friend of mine said she got all of these vegetables and all these really healthy grains, and she went to the refrigerator, and all she wanted was a Grilled Cheese sandwich. laughs thats really what we want. Stephen ina, thank you so much. I cant wait to see you in person again. So great to see you. Stay safe. Have fun. Stephen you too. And celebrate everything. Stephen ina garten, everybody. Well be right back. Cheers. Stephen now, lets say good night with some music from jon batiste. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right ite