Uh sir, just a reminder, i have a ph. D. From yale, and using me this way is illegal. I want to express my thanks to the dozens of oh, and i got your curly fries. Want me to feed them to you pelican style . Yes, sir. crunch announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, shot heard around the world. Plus stephen welcomes elmo, Kumail Nanjiani, and musical guest andra day, featuring jon batiste and sta stay stay homi now live from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen we set over here . All right. Do it. Welcome to a late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Just when you think things cant get any weirder, trump cranks it up to 11 and then swallows the knob. Today, the president held a white house meeting with leaders in the restaurant industry. as trump before we begin, how about apps for the whole table . Jalapeno poppers, nachos, clam strips, and calamari, thanks. Oooh, garlic knots. The topic was supposed to be reopening the economy, but then trump started answering questions and it was t. M. I. Trump got upset with whistleblower dr. Rick bright, who said he was pressured to support hydroxycholoroquine for political reasons. And trump made this startling admission i happen to be taking it. I happen to be taking it. Im taking it. Hydroxycholoroquine. Right now, yeah. Couple of weeks ago i started taking it. Why . Because i think its good. Ive heard a lot of good stories. Stephen of course, thats why anyone takes an experimental drug treatment. Weve all seen the pharmaceutical ads. If you think hydroxycholoroquine might be right for you, dont ask your doctor. Just ask around, and if you hear some good stories, eat it. Eat it, you coward. Stephen then, asked about what research he has that this is a preventative wonderdrug, the president cited the new england journal of i heard it from a guy. Can you explain to me though what is the evidence that it has a preventative effect . Here you go, you ready . Heres my evidence. I get a lot of positive calls about it. Stephen for the sake of his children, i hope hes not getting a lot of positive calls about clorox. It was such a shocking statement that even fox news had to clap back. Heres the beige beast known as neal cavuto the fact of the matter is though, when the president said what have you got to lose, in a number of studies those certainly vulnerable in the population have one thing to lose their lives. If you are in a risky population here and you are taking this as a preventative treatment, it will kill you. I cannot stress enough. This. Will. Kill. You. Stephen okay, neil, but to be fair, after that. Technically, you dont have the virus anymore. Anyway, the newsman says its deadly, so i hope im not surprising anyone when i say, mr. President , dont take it. Now, in addition to the president slowly poisoning himself with the dr. Jekyll method, the other big news is that on friday, trump removed the Inspector General for the state department. Its the third time in six weeks that such a move has been announced on a friday night. cause at the white house, t. G. I. F. Stands for trump got the inspector fired. Turns out, trump was really protecting his buddy secretary of state and man with a ccup mask for a dcup face, mike pompeo. According to a white house official, trump removed Inspector General linick at pompeos urging. Coincidentally, the i. G. Was investigating the secretary for using government staffers to run errands like picking up his dry cleaning, making a dinner reservation for him and his wife, and walking his dog. Thats so degrading. Not only did the staffer have to walk pompeos dog, they also had to walk trumps dog. It didnt take long for trump to get asked about firing the i. G. Heres what he said i dont know him at all. I never even heard of him. But i was asked to by the state department, by mike. So i dont know him, never heard of him, but they asked me to terminate him. I have the absolute right as president to terminate. I dont know whats going on other than that. But youd have to ask mike pompeo. Stephen im not sure that sounds as exonerating as trump thinks. as trump dont look at me i have no idea whats going on. They just prop me up here and i do the things they tell me. That reminds me, hand me the nuclear football. I got a lot of negative phone calls about china. Now, in addition to using state Department Officials to walk his dog, the i. G. Was investigating pompeo for one other thing might not be important not cooperating with their probe into an 8 billion arms deal to saudi arabia. Guess which one trump thought was important . Youre just telling me about walking a dog and whatd you say, doing dishes . Saudi arms deal, sir. Stephen ouch. Thats like when a husband comes home and says honey, i know youre mad that i didnt take out the garbage and his wife goes, yes, and also because of your 8 billion arms deal to saudi arabia. Heres something i have been waiting a long time to say theres good news. Because a Coronavirus Vaccine trial by a Company Called moderna shows promising early results. This is the first Coronavirus Vaccine to be tested on humans and it appears to be safe and able to stimulate an immune response against the virus, based on results from eight people. Okay, you have an experimental vaccine so you only test it on eight people. How do you pick . You know, phil in accounting looks expendable. Hey, phil the Company Plans on a second phase where they test it on 600 people and if all goes well, a vaccine could become available for widespread use by the end of 2020 or early 2021. On new years eve, theyre not dropping a ball in times square, theyre dropping a giant syringe. Its made of swarovski crystals news of modernas possible vaccine caused wall street to soar more than 900 points today, even though on friday, at an event about getting a vaccine, the prsident said that getting a vaccine was not a big deal. We think were going to have a vaccine in the pretty near future. And if we do, were going to really be a big step ahead. And if we dont, were going to be like so many other cases where you had a problem come in, itll go away at some point, itll go away. Stephen he said that at the launch of the race for the vaccine its like standing up at your wedding and saying, im so excited to spend the rest of my life with you, cindy. But also living alone is super cool. At some point, like so many other women, you will go away. Trump made it clear that developing a vaccine is a global effort. We have no ego when it comes to this. No ego whatsoever. So were working together with many different countries. And again, we have no ego. We have no ego. Whoever gets it, we think its great. Stephen methinks he doth no ego too much. as trump theres no ego here. After all, theres no i in ego. And if theres no i in it, why am i talking about it . Also on friday, trump held a special event for his weird side project, space force the event was to unveil the new Space Force Flag, but before that happened, the president took a minute to name a new weapon. Were building, right now, incredible military equipment at a level that nobody has ever seen before. We have no choice. We have to do it with the adversaries we have out there. We have a i call it the superduper missile. And i heard the other night, 17 times faster than what they have right now. Stephen thats right, we have the superduper missile. Of course, our enemies will soon develop a doublesupercool missile. Wed have to counter with our awesometimesinfinity missile, which youd think is unbeatable, unless the russians achieve awesometimesinfinityplusone technology. Of course, it seems like nobody really knows what hes talking about. Soon after he made the remarks, the white house was unable to elaborate and referred reporters to the pentagon, and when reached for comment, a pentagon spokesman referred reporters back to the white house. The white house was then forced to issue a no tag backs order to the pentagon. Then came the main event, where the commanders unrolled the new Space Force Flag which, as you can tell, they ripped off from star trek. Star trek is a cbs property, sir. Im going to have to ask you to cease and desist your Copyright Infringement or at least remove the tribble from your head. Trump has been criticized for not doing more during this cisis, so this weekend, he proved that he has his eye on the ball by calling into a pro golf event. The president kicked off the conversation with a stunning admission. I love golf and i love even the exercise. Sometimes its not as much when youre running around in carts for speed. Stephen so he likes the exercise, but skips the only part where you exercise. as trump i love doing pullups, though sometimes theyre not as hard when they use a forklift to raise my body. The president had optimistic words for sports fans we want to get sports back. We miss sports. We are getting it back and its going to be fast. Stephen its going to be fast . Clearly you have never watched golf. Eventually, trump got around to talking about coronavirus, but he chose to refer to it by a new nickname when i took over the administration we didnt have testing and plus the testing had to be specific to this particular problem. And, you know, we call it the problem that came in. Stephen funny, thats what i call you. This joke fixed everything stephen we heard a lot more from the president this weekend, but it was from the one we like talkin bout former president and muppet show guest who doesnt think statler and waldorf are funny, barack obama. On saturday, obama delivered two commencement speeches to graduates. One for seniors from historically black colleges and universities, and one for High Schoolers as part of lebron james primetime special graduate together. And coming this fall, the exciting follow up special pledge the backyard fraternity your dad made up together. During his speech to the high school grads, obama started out with a joke. The world is turned upside down by a global pandemic. And as much as im sure you love your parents, ill bet that being stuck at home with them and playing board games or watching tiger king on tv is not exactly how you envisioned the last few months of your senior year. Stephen what are you doing plugging the tiger king . Youve got your own netflix shows. Your book wasnt called dreams from somebody elses father. The big headline out of obamas speeches was when he took a thinlyveiled swipe at trump. More than anything, this pandemic has fully, finally torn back the curtain on the idea that so many of the folks in charge know what theyre doing. A lot of them arent even pretending to be in charge. Stephen as trump how dare you for my stinging response, i will defer to the governors. But the president did have a response. inaudible . Look, he was an incomp ten president , thats all i can say, grossly incompetent. Stephen as trump grossly incompetent. Thats all i can say. Now if youll excuse me, i have to go call into a Golf Tournament and brag about how only 90,000 people have died on my watch. The shutdown has hurt a lot of businesses that rely on bringing people inside, like chuck e. Cheese, which has lost 21 of sales due to coronavirus. Weirdly, the idea of letting a bunch of kids eat with their hands from the same tray while playing in a communal pit of plastic balls and dirty diapers no longer appeals. But the good people at chuck e. Cheese have a solution. Theyve been making their Menu Available for delivery on grubhub under the pseudonym pasquallys pizza and wings. A fake name . Really . Charles entertainment cheese ive never been so disappointed in my life mostly by the pizza, but also, this behavior though i have to say it is very clever. People will never think its chuck e. Cheese if you associate it with food. For all you none. Cheese heads out there, pasqually is the name of the fictional italian chef in the chuck e. Cheese expanded universe. Which means they had an italian chef character and still said, nah, lets go with the rat. It more accurately represents the experience. Weve got a show for you tonight. Ill be talking to elmo, and later Kumail Nanjiani. But when we come back, meanwhile join us. There, jon, it happened. It finally happened. Hoorah. Effortless is the lincoln way. So as you head back out on the road, well be doing what we do best. Providing some calm amidst the chaos. With virtual, realtime tours of our vehicles as well as remote purchasing. For a little help, on and off the road. Now when you buy or lease a new lincoln, well make up to 3 payments on your behalf. Lets be honest. Quitting smoking is hard. Like, quitting every monday hard. Quitting feels so big. So try making it smaller, and youll be surprised at how easily starting small can lead to something big. Start stopping with nicorette. Starting small can lead to something big. A new moment in wireless has begun. Tmobile and sprint are joining forces. By bringing together our two networks, tmobile will build americas largest and most reliable 5g network. With more towers, more engineers, and more coverage. Youll get the best 5g network, and the best prices. Welcome to tmobile. Americas largest 5g network. Thats why they trust raid ant and roach to quickly protect their family. Raid. Americas most trusted insect control brand. Sc johnson hi. Uh, can you tell me how to get to i70, please . Ookay, are you ah, yes. Thank you. Switch to progressive and you can save hundreds. You know, like the sign says. Stephen hey, jon. How are ya . Jon whats happening . Im feeling good today. How are you . Stephen im good. Whats the good news . Jon our great star wars drummer joe sailor the jazz cowboy is a father. Stephen what . joe is a father no stephen that is fantastic. Boy . Girl . Jon its a girl. Stephen girl oh, thats great stephen fantastic. Jon congratulations, joe congratulations, lauren and baby cowboy. Jon laughter cowgirl. Stephen see you jon. Jon later on stephen you know, i spend a lot of time unloading the fresh groceries that are the days top stories, washing and drying every piece of produce, and neatly arranging them in the highend, freshly cleaned, touchscreen activated, subzero refrigerator that is my monologue. But sometimes, i gather up some jumbo packs of hotdogs, eight boxes of bagel bites, and a bunch of discount dented stuff from the 7eleven frozen section, haul it downstairs, and toss it into the utility room coffin freezer of news that is my segment quarantinewhile quarantinewhile, after spending months alone at sea canadian sailor bill norrie just arrived in christchurch, new zealand, to find the world completely changed by the coronavirus pandemic. Mustve been quite a shock. Let me get this straight, they made a cats movie . and they dont have butt holes . speaking of which, i need to go buy some toilet paper whaaaat . Quarantinewhile, the European Space agency has announced that human urine could help make concrete on the moon, and said the 1. 5 liters of liquid waste a person generates each day could become a promising byproduct for space exploration. Inspiring words. Reminds me of those famous motivational posters shoot for the moon, even if you miss, the 1. 5 liters of liquid waste you generate could become a promising byproduct for space exploration. Quarantinewhile, people across the country are finding creative ways to maintain social distancing while reopening the country. Like this detroit priest who is spraying holy water from a squirt gun. Of course for really big sins, you get the super savior. I gotta say, this is one change i think we should keep when this is all over. It makes church fun lets keep holy water squirt guns and while were at it, logflume baptisms. Quarantinewhile, there are now so many stories about using puppets and dolls to fill empty seats that i regretfully introduce my brand new longrunning segment, figurinewhile. Figurinewhile, last week i told you about a restaurant using mannequins to ensure customers properly social distance. Well, one restaurant in South Carolina saw that and said hold my face mask. A real life owner at the open hearth greets diners. And then seats them next to a couple of blow up dolls. Rather than blocking off tables to achieve social distancing, paula starr decided to have some fun. Stephen the perfect idea for anyone who ever walked into a restaurant and said, i love the food and ambiance. I just wish it could feel more like when im done, someone is going to wear my skin as a cape. But the owner of the restaurant assures us that none of this is terrifying. They are very humorous and have nice faces. The ladies have pretty makeup on. Stephen and theyre excellent company. This is ginger. She has just the funniest joke she wants to tell you, but she says its only funny if you hear it in my basement. Go down to the basement. laughter figurinewhile, south korean soccer has resumed to empty stadiums, and one team bought dolls to fill out the stands. Just one problem, they all turned out to be sex dolls. Oh, come on. That doesnt pass the smell test. And im guessing neither do the dolls. How do you order that many sex dolls and not know theyre sex dolls . I dont know what happened. I ordered a few dozen of these giantbreasted, poseable plastic women and somehow they turned out to be sex dolls darn it my bad, ill just pack these up and ship them to a restaurant in South Carolina. Quarantinewhile, twitter has announced they will start alerting users when a tweet makes disputed or misleading claims about the coronavirus. And misleading tweets will now have a label underneath that directs users to a link with Additional Information about covid19. cause if theres one thing people who believe internet hoaxes are looking for, its Additional Information. No thanks, ive got all the peerreviewed research i need from eagleglock88. Of course, inaccurate coronavirus tweets are just the tip of the impreciseberg. Which is why twitter is rolling out a whole new set of labels. Hello, im jack dorsey and at twitter were doing our part to stop fake news by labeling any tweet that spreads misinformation about covid 19. But were also rolling out labels for others who stretch the truth. Users will be warned if a brunch was not epic. Democracy dice in darkness. Were also looking at tweets like ruffles not bag being as good as regular chips. These tweets will be our new no one cares about anything you think label. Weve made a label for someone who steals a joke and trays to pass it off as their own. A label will now reflect these memes. I know labels might take getting used to. But rest assured that despite these changes, we at twitter will continue to take no action against White Supremacists and other people who use hate speech on our web site. It wouldnt be twitter without them. Im jack dorsey. You picked on me in high school. Now look what happened. Stephen thanks, jack. Well be right back with elmo. Confident financial plans, calming financial plans, complete financial plans. Theyre all possible with a cfp® professional. Find yours at letsmakeaplan. Org. Theyre all possible with a cfp® professional. for my mother,vo iit was a very difficult time. But she wasnt alone. Everybody tried to do what they could to help. We can get through this. We all have the strength to do it. Ive seen it. [laughs] they will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident. Cut is that good . No you were talking about allstate and. I just. When i. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Bang bang, there goes my bang bang, i want my bang bang, i want my bang bang go bang bang there goes my bang bang, go bang bang, there goes my bazooka go bang bang, there goes my bang bang, i want my mind blown, i want my mind blown go bang bang, there goes my bazooka stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to a late show. Im really grateful to be able to keep doing this show while staying at home. And its been great see so many other late night hosts keep their shows going as well. In fact, during this time, there are even new late night shows starting up, including one hosted by americas favorite furry ticklish host and im not talking about john krasinski. I mean elmo, who is about to star in the not too late show with elmo. Well, i want to welcome him to late night. So, here he is, the monster himself, elmo hi, elmo thanks for joining me. Thanks for having elmo on your show, mister colbert. Stephen oh, please, you can call me stephen. Thats great, mister Stephen Colbert stephen elmo, first off, how are you doing with social distancing . Thanks for asking. Elmo is okay. Elmos staying inside with his mommy and daddy. Everyone on sesame street is staying in their home. Or trashcan. Stephen oh, how is oscar . Hes doing good. Hes happy. So much to be grouchy about. Stephen well, im glad youre all staying healthy. Because people are having to make a lot of adjustments right now. Yeah, thats true. Elmo has been lucky because it hasnt been too bad for elmo elmo likes using his imagination to go places, spending extra time with elmos family. And elmo never needs to go get a haircut. Stephen yeah, its getting a bit shaggy around. Everywhere yeah. Stephen by the way, elmo, ive never seen you in a suit before. Looks really good thank you stephen you might be the only person i know who just started wearing pants. Thats true, youre assuming elmos wearing pants yeah, elmo is wearing pants. How is Mister Stephen doing . Stephen im okay, elmo. Im very excited to watch your new show. Though i noticed its called the nottoolateshow. I see what youre doing there. Elmo can see what stephen is doing, too. Thats how these video calls work stephen not that. I mean i can see that youre copying me. What . laughs no way stephen really . The not too late show . Sounds awfully close to the late show. But not too close. Elmo checked with some experts to make sure. Stephen you mean your lawyers . No, no. The letters t and m. Stephen those guys are good. I just want to say good luck with your show. If you need anything, im here for you. Just because were both late night, dont think of me as a competitor. Dont worry mr. Stephen, the not too late show has a very specific target demographic. So elmo wont overlap with mr. Stephens live same day broadcast market share. Whatever that means. And besides, elmo has to be in bed by 7 30 stephen the nottoolateshow with elmo premieres may 27 on hbo max. Well be right back. cheering effortless is the lincoln way. So as you head back out on the road, well be doing what we do best. Providing some calm amidst the chaos. With virtual, realtime tours of our vehicles as well as remote purchasing. For a little help, on and off the road. Now when you buy or lease a new lincoln, well make up to 3 payments on your behalf. Lets be honest. Quitting smoking is hard. Like, quitting every monday hard. Quitting feels so big. So try making it smaller, and youll be surprised at how easily starting small can lead to something big. Start stopping with nicorette. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. My guest tonight is an actor you know from the big sick, silicon valley, and, of course, his blockbuster abs. Please welcome, Kumail Nanjiani hello, ca kumail how are you . Stephen fine. laughter p people at home will never know or understand the chaos you just saw as we tried to make this phone call begin. Well, no, i have been recording the whole time, and this is definitely going on twitter. Stephen good. Blow the lid off this socalled professionalism i have here. Hey, how are you . Im im im great. What if i said that . Thriving in the apocalypse. laughter stephen youll make a lot of friends. How are you, stephen . Stephen im okay. Im here with my family and thank god they know what theyre doing so we can have this conversation now. My boys, unfortunately, are in school still, so they have to get dragged out of here to go to their online classes and its just me and my lovely wife evie here. Are you at home with your lovely wife emily gordon . Yeah, its just me and emily and our cat bagel and were just trying to first of all, i was really excited to talk to you. How are you doing through all this . Stephen well, you know, as a parent of essentially all Adult Children who weve managed to wrangle into our house for the last nine weeks, there is that positive aspect of it is that well never get them all together like this again. Right. Stephen and thats, you know, thats joyful on a certain level, but, of course, behind that is the knowledge of why, you know. Thats like ive compared it to an open now sound track being played in the distance at all times. Also, its a little strange to not know what the right thing to do next is. Weve all gone into quarantine and were not sure what the responsible thing to do next is, and thats got his own level of anxiety. Well, the other thing thats hard about this, i dont i mean, this does not feel like a normal latenight conversation. Stephen nothing about this feels like normal late night. Im here to tell you, as a guy whos been doing it every night for nine weeks, not normal is normal. So, please. Well, this is the other weird thing thats hard about this is theres no way to, like, process through this, you know what i mean . Usually how horrible a tragedy you go through youre, like, all right, i have to go through different stages of grief or i have to process through this and then ill come out on the other side. This is literally something that there is no way for you to process through, youre just in it. So, for me, the best is only when im not actively thinking about it, an thats another weird thing. What happened was i was really obsessed with the news updates, you know. Looking up stuff all the time, all the time. And then, at some point, i just had to feel like this is not helping my mental state. Its really doing nothing to keep me or my family safer, so i just had to completely check out of those updates because it jusu already know, and theres just so much information all the time that i just had to sort of the only way i could get through it is by not constantly thinking about it, which also feels, like, cowardly or something. Stephen i i dont think youre a coward. I think thats perfectly human. You have to give yourself a break. I understand youve gotten a little emotional during the quarantine and that there have been some unusual things that have made you cry. laughter yes, on the podcast. We have a section in it where you start every podcast with what was the weird thing that made you cry this week, and one of them was just a couple of weeks ago, you know when people got really into bread making. Ans youre bread making right now. Stephen i have had a starter and i have a bulle in the next room. I dont know what a bulle is. Stephen its like a lump of dough. All these people were tweeting pictures of bread and some people were annoyed at them and i just saw a picture and i was, like, wow, i like seeing this picture, so i just tweeted and said, im genuinely enjoying you guys making new bread, i want to see pictures of it. So, for three days, people just tweeted pictures of these gorgeous and notsogorgeous loaves of bread they were making, and just looking at these pictures and the pride that people im getting emotional right now just the pride people had in what they made, this really small thing you know, were in this world where everything is out of control, and theyre, like, making these loaves of bread, and it just made me cry for three days straight. Stephen i get it. Its beautiful. Its the staff of life. You want to do something thats useful and nourishing and a creation at the same time and simple, in all this chaos and uncertainty you want to do something simple and beautiful, i totally get it. I will hit you, instagram or twitter . Where are you getting these photos. Twitter. Stephen i will hit you on twitter with this bread. Were baking it tonight. You will see whether you let me know whether it was beautiful enough to make you cry. No, no, even the ones that werent beautiful made me cry. It feels like magic, you know, like making bread. I never i have no idea where to start. I dont oh, my god. Okay. Yes. laughter stephen okay. I want to get on to your film ththe lovebirds but i want to ask you about your body. It is a global sensation. You have a new finelytuned physician because youre going to be in a movie. Your outdid krasinski. I was so excited when that happened. That meant a lot to me. Stephen is it degrading in quarantine or is it slowly just turning back into normal adult male . No, i saw the quarantine coming early so i bought pants, and i have been working out as if its the only thing tethering me to sanity. Because i think it is because, again, i feel like im saying this a lot, but when i first started working out a lot, it just made sense. I would just, like, start crying because i think stephen you think of all that bread you cant have. Oh, yeah, i think thats why i was crying. Just pictures is all i could do. In the beginning, i felt like 30 of my brain was just working all the time to not freak out. It was working to keep that door shut, you know, 30 of my brain. Then when youre working out, you can kind of only focus on the weight. So the door flew open. So in between sets i would sit and get really emotional. And then the clock would go off, time to lift more weights, you know. So it actually really helped me in the first couple of weeks. Stephen the new film is the lovebirds with your costar easter ray. It filmed in new orleans during mardi gras, right, last year . Yeah, we shot through mardi gras last year, yeah. Stephen and i know you guys were supposed to be released in theaters, but, of course, nobodys doing that right now, and, so, its going to be available to stream on netflix starting when . Starting may 22, friday. Stephen may 22, friday. So normally big premiere, red carpet, how are you going to do the premiere at home . Are you going to glam up . What are you going to do . Well, emily and i, we ordered four pies this morning. Stephen dessert pies, like pies . I got a key lime pie because i still like keeping up the diet, but this weekend its a key lime pie. I got an apple pie, Blueberry Pie and then i ordered a strawberry mars capone pie but a they said they were out and i switched to a chocolate pie. Stephen and thats it . Yeah. I mean, thats all. What else do you do . Stephen hands behind your back and just a race to the other end of the crust . Yeah. Stephen please say its going to be a pie eating contest. I am so excited stephen well, kumail, so nice to see you. Give your best to emily and stay safe and sterile and all ripped and stay off the bread and i will send you the photo later and give our best to the pies. I cannot wait. Thank you. Stephen the lovebirds is available on netflix starting this friday. Kumail nanjiani, everybody well be right back with a performance by andra day. Mksz add some resistance. 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As always, were doing everything we can to help keep cosentyx accessible and affordable. If you have any questions at all, call us, email us, visit us online. Were here to help support you when you need us. Take care, and be well. To learn more, call one eight four four cosentyx or visit cosentyx. Com great parenting new ziploc grip n seal. Easier to grip and open for the worlds greatest parents. Sc johnson [orange] hey, whats up guys . [ginger] oh my god [captain] orange, why are you naked . [orange] oh god, is my camera on . [captain] ill never unsee this. [orange] okay hold on. Hows that . [miscellaneous reactions of disgust] [orange] floridas finest baby. I didnt hear it. inaudible . Look, he was an incompetent president. Thats all i can say, grossly incompetent. Thank you. Yeah, obama never did that im okay. Hey, can i. Safe drivers save 40 guys guys safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. When you think of a bank, you think of people in a place. But when you have the chase mobile app, your bank can be virtually any place. So, when you get a check. You can deposit it from here. And you can see your transactions and check your balance from here. You can detect suspicious activity on your account from here. And you can pay your friends back from here. So when someone asks you, wheres your bank . You can tell them heres my bank. Or heres my bank. Or, heres my bank. Because if you download and use the chase mobile app, your bank is virtually any place. So visit chase. Com mobile. Stephen welcome back. And now with a special bill withers medley, ladies and gentlemen, andra day. Aint no sunshine when shes gone its not warm when shes away aint no sunshine when shes gone and shes always gone too long anytime she goes away wonder this time where shes gone wonder if shes gone to stay aint no sunshine when shes gone and this house just aint no home anytime she goes away and i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know my friends feel its their appointed duty they keep tryna tell me all you want to do is use me but my answer, yeah to all that use me stuff i wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used oh, you just keep on using me until you use me up until you use me up sometimes, its true you really do abuse me you get me in a crowd of highclass people and then you act real rude to me but oh, baby, baby, baby, baby when you love me i cant get enough i wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used girl, you just keep on using me until you use me up until you use me up until you use me up until you use me up stephen andra day has partnered with give directly for her personal campaign igivedirectly, helping those most affected by covid19. Thank you, andra. Well be right back. Stephen thats it for a late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be gayle king and amy sedaris. Stick around for james corden. But first, lets say good night with some music from jon batiste and stay human. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by cbs the late late show, oh, oh the late late show oh, oh its the late late show