Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240713

Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight super news day plus, stephen welcomes anthony mackie. And Susan Glasser. With a special appearance by David Alan Grier. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey how you doing, friendo . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. Hows it going . Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen good to see you. Very nice. Happy tuesday. Happy tuesday. Whoa thats nice. cheers and applause thank you very much. Thank you up there. Thank you down there. Welcome. Welcome, one and all, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome. Welcome, my friends, to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause tonight jon super tuesday stephen you know, you know, people are excited because tonight is the night its super tuesday, the biggest haul the biggest haul of the primary season, where tonight the lions share of the ga someone, i assume. Because as we tape this, the results are not in yet. But its going to take more than complete ignorance to stop me from talking about it, in tonights edition of i have a plan for that. I beat trump made a lot of money. Im going to beat this man like a drum. Bing, bing, bong, bong. Fury road to the white house 2020 super tuesday Senior Citizen slam down. It all depends on tonight to ensure victory 2020. I dropped out stephen the we want to welcome our new sponsors. The big story coming into tonight was that the moderates are consolidating behind joe biden. Yes, the moderates are consolidating. We are reaching extreme levels of centrism laughter jim, lets get a new reading from the late show polititgraph. Meh. Stephen with everybody whos dropped out of the race and this is true at 11 years old joe biden is now the youngest man vying for the democratic president ial nomination. Keep in mind 77. Keep in mind that the average Life Expectancy for men is about 76. Ask so, if one of these democratic men gets elected, you know his first year in office is going to be checking off the bucket list. My fellow americans, in my first 100 days, i will learn to surf. I will bike a moik. , and i will make out with angie dickenson. Police woman, i love you last night, biden racked up two big endorsements former south bend mayor and business pinocchio, pete buttigieg; along with minnesota senator and mom being supportive after you blew the dance recital, amy klobuchar. Klobuchar took the stage and announced her support for joe. Today, i am ending my campaign and endorsing joe biden for president. cheers and applause i cannot think of a better way to end my campaign than joining his. Stephen you cant think of a better way to end your campaign . laughter did you think about winning . laughter now, we knew buttigieg and klobuchar were going to endorse biden, but then the Vice President introduced a surprise guest. Theres one more person i want to thank a, man who electrified this state and nation. One of the most incredible runs for the United States senate we have ever seen, here in this state and who demonstrated enormous compassion and courage in the wake of the shooting at el paso, a man with an unlimited future, a man who will be changing this nation for the better for many years to come. Ladies and gentleman, beto orourke cheers and applause stephen wow, betos back, too . This is like a reunion of friends if some of the friend. By throwing in with biden, beto, amy, and pete, theyre aging to slow bernie sanders. Good luck with that because youll need it. I move at one speed only determined lunch. I lean in. Im like a glacier in low gear. In response, last night, sanders held a rally in Amy Klobuchars home state of minnesota and welcomed their supporters to his campaign. To all of amy and petes millions of supporters, the door is open. Come on in. Stephen as bernie but once youre inside, close the damn door youre letting the heat out. What, do you think were made of money . Roll up a towel and shove it in the bottom. Trump also held a rally last night. He was in super tuesday state north carolina, and he pandered in a really weird way. You know eric and lara named their daughter. You know what her name is . Carolina. Carolina, her name is carolina for a reason. laughter stephen for a reason . Are his grandkids named after things he needs to win reelection . laughter as trump these are my granddaughters, carolina and pennsylvania. Those are my grandsons, voter suppression, rust belt coal miner who votes against his economic selfinterest, and of course, and of course, little ku klux kenny. I love you. Takes after his grandpa. Speaking of the coronavirus, it has now been found in at least 15 states. Yesterday, trump met with top execs from big pharma to show hes on top of the crisis. We have nobody in this country vaccinated for coronavirus right now. So that if it the same vaccine could not work. You take a solid flu vaccine, you dont think that would have an impact or much of an impact on corona . No. Probably none. Stephen as trump so a regular a regular flu vaccine wont work . Huh, weird. What about a solid flu vaccine . Im talking topshelf, admiral class. Now, what about circle dot cootie shot . What about that . All right. How about this i got no, quiet. How about this . A box of bandaids. Im talking the good ones. frozen 2, all elsa. Throw away the annas. They dont work, okay. Try it . Will you try it . The problem is, we have no idea how far coronavirus has actually spread in the United States. As of last week, the c. D. C. Had tested just under 500 americans with suspected infections. Other nations have tested patients by tens of thousands. China has probably tested millions. Were so far behind other nations, its embarrassing. Were like the friend who just now is saying, guys, i started this show called game of thrones. i think its gonna catch on. I cannot wait to see who wins the throne game. I bet its ned stark. Im on episode one. Course, there are plenty of ways you can stay safe from coronavirus, like handwashing. Experts say you have to scrub for a minimum of 20 seconds. Thats a lot of time. Thats time i could be spending with my family. Spreading the coronavirus. laughter to help you wash long enough, experts have suggested humming a song thats about 20 seconds long. They say that 20 seconds is about the equivalent of singing happy birthday twice. But any 20second refrain works. So for those of you who are already sick and dont want to spread it to others, i recommend singing to hot blooded hot blooded check it and see i got a fever of 103 come on, baby, do you do more than dance . Hotblooded, hot blooded very sick. cheers and applause or or, at the very least, how about singing to my sharona muhmuhmuh thank you. Jon that was a nice one. Stephen thank you very much. The main reason for handwashing is that you dont want germs reaching your face zone, which is why experts keep saying this keep your fingertips away from your eyes. Touch your face less. Dont touch your eyes or your face with your hands. Dont touch your face. Dont touch your face. Dont touch your face. Dont touch your face. Stephen dont touch your face. No dont touch your face no back, back. Of ed about good and later ill let you touch something nice. cheers and applause but sometimes sometimes cheers and applause sometimes, the best way to keep the virus from spreading is to just shut things down. For example, two new york schools closed today over coronavirus fears. The sar academy and sar high school. Oooh, so close to the word sars. laughter there hasnt been an outbreak this ironic since the closure of herpe high. laughter please join us. Wherever we want to go, autosave your way there with chase. Chase. Make more of whats yours. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Please say hello to the band. Please say hello to jon batiste and stay human right over there, those good people. applause you hitting a home run. Jon yeah, got to knock it out of the park. Stephen you knock it outs of the park every night. Jon weve got to do it. Stephen were breaking windows all around this place. The cost, the cost to replace all the windows. Folks, i spend a lot of time over there in the comedy gym, sculpting my major news muscles, blasting my topical pecs and quads, bulking and cutting the stories of the day into the sinewy, herculean physique that is my monologue. But once in a while, i like to scan my keycard, putter around looking at my phone for a while, do five minutes of halfassed cardio, all so i can justify the chocolate peanutbuster protein shake that is my segment cheers and applause thats hot coffee, man meanwhile, meanwhile is a hot cup of coffee for america. Meanwhile, Prince Andrew reportedly let a supermodel sit on the queens throne at buckingham palace, then the suermodel spotted a bowl she liked and asked andrew if she could steal it and mail it to her mom. She claims that he let her, and her mom loved it laughter now, i just want to be clear this is all from some unnamed source, and its not corroborated and should not be taken at face value, but he definitely did it. laughter the supermodel in question was a certain caprice bourret, which made prince harry, who was then just a 16yearold schoolboy, jealous because he had caprices calendar on his bedroom wall. andrew has now become a caricature of the irresponsible uncle. Hey, check it out, kid. Ive got the girl from your wall. Im gonna have her put her sexy butt on your grandmas chair. I lost mine breaking up a cockfight. Meanwhile, a Fashion Designer went viral this week when he unveiled his new line of inflatable pants. Just what ive always wanted a pair of leather pants that look like i put them on, couldnt get them off, and then peed in them for days. laughter applause thats a really good look. Thats a really good look. As you can see, the pants fit snugly at the waist, but then balloon out to double the width of the wearer around the thighs. Perfect for anyone who wants to take their manspreading to the next level. laughter the pants designer explained why he felt the need to design these, saying, i see the same images and similar proportions everywhere. Yeah, its almost like people who wear clothes are the same species. Shirts on their torsos. thats why i created the face shirt. Meanwhile, doctors are now warning the public that putting potatoes up your butt wont cure hemorrhoids. laughter although, if its a bag of frozen tater tots, it will speed up the defrosting process. laughter now that sounds refreshing, absolutely. That sounds absolutely refresh be. Jon yes, i cant do it. Stephen now, when warnings like these are given, its tempting to dismiss them as stupid and unnecessary, which is why id like to issue this late show Public Service announcement remember if theres a warning, it means someone did it. laughter applause cheers and applause meanwhile, the world of indoor succulentfanciers waser pladn watering for two years was fake and just plastic attached to a block of foam, and decorated with sand, which was glued on top. And she says, i feel like these last two years have been a lie. laughter thankfully, in this trying time, she has the support of her loving husband. laughter applause meanwhile, according to a new study, 38 of americans say they wouldnt buy corona beer under any circumstances because of the coronavirus, while the other 62 wouldnt buy it because its corona beer. laughter obviously, obviously, those people are misinformed. Still, corona really wants to steer clear of saying anything that associates their product with an impending threat from overseas. So they put out this actual ad for their hard seltzer stephen yeah. Coming ashore soon. A little tone deaf. Still better than their original ad. Jim . Introducing corona hard settler, the sickest drink out there. Your friends might already have it. You cant tell just by looking at them. Corona hard settler youve been exposed. laughter stephen well be right back with anthony mackie. Why wouldnt we expect our deodorant to dry in an instant . New degree advanced protection dry spray goes on instantly dry, for a cleaner feel. 72 hour protection in an instant. 72 hour protection e trade core portfolios is an easy, automated way to get invested. Well save you time by building, monitoring and managing a portfolio for you and provide all handson deck support when you need it helping you become top dog. 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Stephen ladies and gentlemen, folks, you know my first guest from such films as the hurt locker, detroit, and as falcon in the avengers. His new film is the banker. Plooz please welcome back to the late show, anthony mackie. applause oh, boy stephen now, i got a question i love you, but i dont trust you. Stephen ditto, my friend. I dont want the sars i dont know what its called. I dont even drink budweiser no more. Whatever it is, i dont want it. Stephen i want to point something out you and jon are wearing the same suit tonight. Hey, hey i aint trying to say nothing. We both from the same city. We got that swag. I aint trying to say nothing. Us what la night was the c premiere of the new film the banker, which i understand youre also a producer of. Yeah, yeah yeah, i produced it with a great group of people and was able to get a great cast involved. Stephen the premiere was held at the National Civil Rights Museum in memphis . Yes. Stephen tell me about that night. It was revolutionary, man. It was mind blowing. I had never had the experience of goth Lorraine Hotel where dr. King was assassinated. And we had the premiere there. And they brought us through this if you havent done bn, they brought us through this amazing museum, just going through civil rights through american history. And then at the end we got to go to the room where dr. King was, whre he stepped out on to the baju moved to tears. I literally was i wasnt able to fathom the idea of standing on the steps where this man was killed. Stephen that must have been an extraordinary feeling. It was, it was. And this movie kind of it plays along the same times that that happened. I mean, the 60s i feel like th america went from being a teenager to an adult. You know, we lost some monumental figures in the 60s, dr. King being one of them. And to be at that hotel was amazing. Theres nothing like it on earth. Stephen you were with your costar last night right here. Samuel jackson right there. I look flossie there, too. See what iki stephen yeah, youre looking good. Hey, you see that . Thats called work, baby. Thats called work right there. Thats called work. Stephen but i want to point out in every photo taken of him, Samuel Jackson looks like hes having a better time than anybody else. People know you of course from the avengers together. But guway back. Tell me who is going on what is this right here . That was a movie diwith sam back in the day called the man. That was my first time working with him. Stephen this is 15 years ago. 15. Y. Anthe dior was like my character didnt have a name. He was like, what, do you want to call him . I was like, booty. Thats me as booty as a local little street hustler, and sam picked me up to get some information. Stephen and getting freaked out. Yess a snit yes. I was a street snitch. Stephen we have a clip here from the movie. You can explain whats happening here . Well, this is the clip where the guy i play, bernard gator, is a young man trying to make his way in l. A. And wants to become a real estate titoon. So he buys this building and hes in the process of fixing it up, and the los angeles could buy and own property so they give him the huft bell who owns the property. Stephen jim. Yes, officers, is there a problem. We received a complaint about you. Mr. Cooper in part 2adoesnt like you working in a building . Why not. She said youre impersonating the owner of the building. No, he owns the building. Im not talking to you. I do own the building, officer. All the paperwork is filed downtown, but i keep a copy with me just to be safe. His actuly looks real. Yeah, i guess so. Try to be more respectful to your tenants. Yes, sir, officer. Sorry for the inconvenience. Stephen now, this is based applause correct me if im wrong, but this is based on a true story. It is. Bernard garrett, he and joe at one point owned the largest commercial building in the city of los angeles. It was the bank building, the banker building in downtown l. A. They bought it. And theres pictures with them with lyndon b. Johnson, with everyone, because they at one time were some of the wealthiest people in l. A. In the 60s. Stephen now, at the end of last years avengers end game, captain america spoiler alert captain america handed his shield over to your character. Uhhuh. Stephen you know, falcon, sam wilson. Yes. Stephen and youre currently and this is very exciting to people out there youre currently working on falcon and the winter soldier. What you can tell bus this photograph right here . Whats going on . We started shooting a few months ago. Were almost done. And the shield is in good hands. Stephen okay. cheers and applause i hope so. Because its right up there. Jim, can we have a shot of that . Its right up there. The shield is right up up there. You know that, right . Stephen on deck. Stephen qt and so it begins, welcome back, guys. Hooive the falcon of winter soldier. Leg day saves lives. What does that mean . A lot of people go to the gym and dont work legs. You see dudes jacked up here and they wear sweat sweatpants. This summer were going to do hot boys summer hot shorts summer because we want everybody to see the legs and let them know were doing it right. If you go back, dudes used to wear little shorts because they want you to see the legs. To all my guys out there, lets bring the shortshorts back. Let the ladies see the legs. applause you got some hot shorts . Stephen im wearing them right now. What does it mean to you im a fan of captain america, the previous depiction. What does it mean to you to have the shield . Its monumental, man, with this movie with the banker and the history of this country, with African Americans to have for marvel to select a young black man ament the moniker of n itenothinthatan compare as captain america, but all of their friends white, black, latino, and asian get to see a black man as captain america. cheers and applause stephen all of this this moment, this moment of course was predated by this announcement being made in the comic books themselves. Uhhuh. Stephen is that sam wilson became captain america in the comic books. Right. Stephen and then do you know who they originally made newt falcon . laughter because when they announced the falcons going to become captain of marvel mics, cameto announce that i,en falcon. cheers and applause right there. Nothing makes me happy gler yes. And it just means a lot to me ton there are white kids out there who will see finally a white man allowed to be a super hero. Its momentous. Anything is possible if this happens stephen do you know how much i had to work out just to get ready for this drawing . I was about to say, how much did you shave to put those wings on . Stephen oh, i wax from the nex down, baby. Thats what you do. Never know. Stephen people love these characters. Were you obsessed with this as a kid . What did you nerd out on as a kid . No, i never my brother, my oldest brother was a big comic book geek and he would alwaysoud steal his comic books for paper fights. I was a weird kid. I used to hang out outside. I new up in new orleans. For christmas when everybody else got this stuff, i got fishing rods. I used to big in peoples yards and go fishing. I still do that. If im in your yard digging worms dont get mad. Stephen do you have a favorite fish . Red fish . I love a good red fish fight. But im a bass man. My goal is to retire at 50 and become a fisherman on bass masters. Stephen id watch that. You do not want to see me with my ugly stick. I yank hard,un what im saying . If im going for a 1520pound pitch. Use fivepound test line. I set my drag loose and let them go. Sometimes you have to jump in and get them and bring them in the boat. Stephen do you use braided line, a mono . I dont like braided. Braided is too strong. I like regular easy line. You want them to wear themselves off. Stephen your favorite knot, a uni . Slipknot, round and round through the hole. Stephen how about the real . Im a zip code dude. Boom like an 808, baby, you know what im talking about . That 808 aint going to let you go. That was fishing talk that was fishing talk. Stephen circle hook . Always. Stephen or j. Always. And i take my bar off so if it comes out, they go. Stephen im glad we lost a lot of people with that conversation. Thats my retirement plan, too, by the way. The banker opens in select theaters this friday and is available on apple tv on march 20. 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And to keep our celebration going, i invited friend of the show, David Alan Grier, to deliver this special message. Hello, im David Alan Grier. Throughout this black history month, weve had the opportunity to honor so many great men and women in our past. But as february comes to a close, its now time for black future month. So join me in a celebration of all the achievements that havent even happened yet. September 22, 2026. Lawyers neela dibaba and robert james successfully convince th citizens reparations. Unfortunately, the reparations take the form of gift cards to the Cheesecake Factory. laughter i think thats a win. On july 19, 2115, right fielder omari brown hits a walkoff home run to win the intergalactic series of baseball. Oh, also, in the future, there are aliens, and they play baseball, and they taste delicious. October 31, the first halloween in recorded history in which no white people wear black face. October 22, 2021, joe abiola is electedly the first black Prime Minister of japan. Honestly, we dont know how that happened. Were just going with it. Sunday, august 24, 2437, at precisely 8 14 p. M. , racism finally ends. It was all set in motion today with the flap of a butterfly wing. That delicate flutter led to the precise circumstances necessary to bring an end to centuries of prejudice and bigotry. Well, thats all for our celebration in great achievements in black future. Ope. Hes fine. Im David Alan Grier. Now, can somebody tell me how to geisbr aughte stephen thank you David Alan Grier well be right back with the new yorkers Susan Glasser. Snoeft applause ooking off. How is she there and were here . Condoms. True. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. An expression of disgust caused by inadequate litter. Stank face. Tidy cats is the cure. With guaranteed tidylock protection. 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My next guest tonight is a veteran reporter who has worked as editor in chief of foreign policy, founded politico magazine, and served as the Moscow Bureau chief for the Washington Post. She now has a weekly column at the new yorker. Please welcome Susan Glasser applause stephen good to see you. cheers and applause stephen thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. Stephen i personally requested to have you on because i have read just about every column you have written in the last three years for the new yorker. Theyre all called letter from washington, right . Im sorry, i know its a lot to take in. Stephen what i really like about them is i dont think there is anybody out there who, a, has the breadth of journalistic experience, who has the knowledge of what happens underneath a burgeoning autocratic regime, because you were one of the Moscow Bureau chiefs for the Washington Post when putin was rising to power in the early 2000s, and who understands the norms were losing in our government than you. Im not going to say its a cheerful column, you know. Its mildly refreshing. Its 90 water, 10 hemlock. Its not too bad. But you said you needed a term for the trump effect, the thing were all feeling but have trouble naming. And you asked a friend to help you who helped you come up with this term . Okay, so i have this wonderful friend, casanza, who is german, and you know how people are always joking there ought to be a long german word for that. I said, is there a long german word for this trump soul sickness . And she said, no, but ill make one up. So she made one up. laughter the second part is good. The schlamassle. Stephen what does it mean . I think its technically yiddish. O. At does it mean . Again, i dont actually speak german. Trump, you got that, regnorran is government. Schlamassle is what it sounds like, craziness. And schmirtz, is soul sickness. Its like trump, craziness, soul sickness. Stephen i get a constant feeling in the sort of gas lighting of america that the president is taking place and the people aiding and abetting him, like some sort of spell is trying to be cast on us, like some sort of weird somewhat abusive spells being cast on us so we dont see reality anymore. Were being dragged into his insanity. When you were seeing the rise of putin from 2000to 2004, was this happening then . You wouldnt think there would be an overlappingexse betn russia and being in washington, and throw in a clinton impeachment these things arent supposed to go togethervr years, he did what all aspiring authoritarians do, what erdogan did in turkey, consolidate power. First you go after the journalists. They took over the independent television. You go after the parliament, and you make sure that its a pocket parliament. You go after this and, you know, there are some unkane parallels. Trump seems to have the instincting of a naturalminded awe authoritarian, even though we have a very different history and institutions and cultures, thanks goodness you. Stephen have been writing about the new phase of the presidency since the senate acquittal. Who postimpeachment trump . Is it really different . My suspicion before it happened, if he isnt acquitted, the guardrails will be off. I dont see that the guardrails have ever been on. Is he the same person postacquittal . Thats a good question. I saw that you said that before. And thought hes going to challenge me on this. Whats the answer . I went back and looked. And we are actually, you know, the frog being slowly boiled. You know that . Stephen yeah. I think were kind of boiled already. Because i think we are slowly getting used to trump doing things now that he never would have tried to do three years ago when he first came into office two, years ago. Since hes been acquitted, hes attacked Supreme Court justices, gone after not only a federal judge in the roger stone case but the four women forwoman ofe he has not only fired the acting director of National Intelligence because a briefing about russia was given to members of congress, put in someone very unqualified for the job in an acting capacity. And then just this week, hes named as the new director of National Intelligence, the congressman who was disqualified by republicans just aify months ago because he was lying on his resume. So the head of National Intelligence is going to be someone who cant tell the truth about his own record. So were used to something republicans are now endorsing him for the job that they refusedly to put him in just six months ago. Stephen its almost as if they dont want to know things. Well, you know, i dont think you need to speak to motives. I think thats one thing ive learned in sort of three years of trumpology. Its like kremlinology. You dont actually have to get inside their head to know does donald trump love Vladimir Putin . Just look at the crazy stuff that theyre saying and doing. And so thats what ive tried to do is to write it down on the theory that 20 years from now, were all going to be saying, did this really happen . Stephen i hope so. I hope 20 years from now we have that attitude. That were not just in scuba gear in midtown manhattan. laughter but you raise you raise a good point, raise a good point that we are the frogs slowly being boiled and weve become inured of some of the shocking things that happens. How do you maintain your fresh shock. Metaphorically i have to pull the car over, vomit into a ditch, slap myself on the face and get back in so i can stay weak on at the wheel. How do you stay freshly shocked at it . It is kind of looking at the eclipse of the sun but without the glasses on every week. I know most people have tuned it out. I understand that. If your job is to stare straight at it. We forget all the crazy stuff, right. Even the people whose job it is to pay attention. Do you remember when donald trump said he was going to buy greenland . Stephen yeah. He goes on his rallies all the time and he attacks windmills and he attacks stephen for caution cancer . And toilets. He doesnt like modern toilet. Stephen right. And you forget these things because its too much to say i should write about it all the time. Often that is what i do to get myself psyched up to write a column, i go back through the twitter feed, and within a second im ready to go. laughter applause stephen susan, thank you so much for being here. Lovely to have you on. Please keep it up. Shouldnt you pay less when you use less data . Now you can. Because Xfinity Mobile gives you more flexible data. You can choose to share data between lines, mix with unlimited, or switch it up at any time. All on the most reliable wireless network. Which means you can save money without compromising on coverage. Get more flexible data, the most reliable network, and more savings. Plus, get 300 off when you buy a new Samsung Galaxy s20 ultra. Thats simple. Easy. Awesome. Call, click or visit a store today. Cae deys ght bancause wee per ™. R hungry. All for just 6. 99. The 6. 99 super slam™ is back see you at dennys stephen thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be chris hayes and david chang. Now stick around for james corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late late show