I know more about steelworkers than anybody thats ever run for office. I know the h1b. I know the h2b. Nobody knows it better than me. A lot of people dont realize abraham lincoln, the great abraham lincoln, was a republican. laughter i love the poorly educated laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, not so sharpie plus, stephen welcomes Vice President joe biden. And musical guest pixies. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello how are you . Jon please have a seat, everybody. Thank you very much. Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. The big story the big story continues to be Hurricane Dorian, which, as we speak, is churning towards my hometown of charleston, south carolina, which is under a mandatory evacuation. I hope everyone down there stays safe. Dorian devastated the bahamas over the weekend. And we all want to help, so last night, i talked to our friend Chef Jose Andres of world central kitchen, who is in the bahamas right now to feed the survivors. cheers and applause he is hes in nassau. Right now, hes in nassau, making meals in the kitchen of his restaurant at the atlantis resort. And i love this guests at atlantis are joining in the relief effort, with families and their children pitching in the kitchens to help make ham and cheese sandwiches. They are cheers and applause yeah. Jon thats the right thing to do. Thats the right thing to do. Stephen they are spending their vacations making sandwiches also known as being a mom. applause so last night i asked last night i asked jose what we could do. And he said, just tell the audience not to forget these people. So we found charities where you can do your part. Go to colbertlateshow. Com, and please be generous. And do not forget. And of course donald trump you can applaud donald trump if you want. Of course, donald trump is trying to help the only way he knows how by being an old man yelling at wind. laughter today, in the oval office, our weathertrackerinchief explained why dorian has been so hard to forecast. It is a very erratic, a very slow, very powerful hurricane. Stephen as trump erratic, slow, powerful, and destructive. Its like looking in a mirror. laughter applause but trump wasnt interested in where the storm is going to go. He wanted to talk more about where the storm was going to go. That was the original chart. You see it was going to hit not only florida but georgia. Was going toward the gulf. That was what was originally projected. Stephen why . Why . Why, you ask, did trump show a map with an outdated projection of dorians path instead of one showing where the storm actually went . Im glad i pretended you asked. laughter remember the last two days, how he got in a disagreement with the National Weather service where he tweeted that the storm was going to hit alabama, and they said what . No. Well, take a look at trumps outdated map from last thursday morning. He used a sharpie to extend the path into alabama he gave the storm a boob job laughter as trump i tell you, a couple of high, hard ones. applause before i did that, it was a category 5. Now shes a category 10. laughter so, obviously, obviously i dont think im talking out of school when i say that is an insane thing to do. But it could be a criminally insane thing, because a lot of wonks online are pointing out that this breaks title 18, u. S. Code 2074, which says its illegal to knowingly falsely represent a forecast or warning issued by the weather bureau. Oh, my god oooh audience reacts yeah a little late. Oh, my god audience ooooh stephen no, we already did it. We already did it. Okay. This is what happens when you dont show up for rehearsal oh, my god do you know what this means . We finally got him we finally caught trump doing something wrong mr. President , youre going to weather jail because of the fact that the president misrepresented where the water would go, im calling this scandal watergate. Trademark. Trade. applause at an event right after trumps map presentation there in the oval office, a reporter asked him if he had altered the map. And trump cranked his mouth settings to ramble. No, i just know. Yeah, i know that alabama was in the original forecast. They thought it would get it as a piece of it. It was supposed to go actually, we have a better map than that which is gonna be presented where we had many lines going directly, many models each line being a model. And they were going directly through. And in all cases, alabama was hit. Stephen as trump and i had an even better map than that one, where the line the line the line follows the hurricanes path through a maze, and it leads to a Treasure Chest full of delicious popcorn shrimp from long john silvers. laughter thank you for your service, captain silvers. applause he will be missed. But trump says that the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has another map . Can we put that up on screen . No, we cant, because a noaa spokesperson just declined to address trumps doctored dorian map, and also declined to say whether alabama was ever in dorians possible path. The noaa spokesperson then said ring, ring and, oh i gotta take this, bye bye. laughter it was just his hand. There was no phone. laughter but the reporter pressed on. I dont know. I dont know. I dont know. Stephen oh, he did it. laughter you know how i know . Because trump has never, ever, ever said he doesnt know anything. Thats a sure tell that he knows something. It must be so easy to play poker with this guy. as trump let me just see what ive got here. Let me see. I dont be. I dont know. I do not i do not have three queens. I do not have i do not have three queens. Or, if anyone has a sharpie, i do not have four queens. Anyone have. Any. laughter applause Hurricane Dorian is another reminder of the urgent need to take action on Climate Change. And today donald trump did just that to make it worse. Because his Administration Just announced theyre rolling back rules requiring more Energy Efficient light bulbs, which will increase u. S. Electricity use by 80 billion kilowatt hours roughly the amount of electricity needed to power all households in pennsylvania and new jersey. Audience ooooh stephen thats what you should have done the last time. I was there. Jon timing. Stephen of course, in pennsylvania dutch country, the amish are going, who laugheth now, bitches . laughter applause really . They said that . That seems like that really seems like we made that up. But there must be a good reason for it, right, mr. President . On what . Energyefficient lightbulbs. We will give you a report on that. Were doing a report on all of that. But there is a very good rationale when you hear it. laughter stephen as trump im telling you, its a fantastic rationale, and we had the report already but, unfortunately, it was in alabama, and it was hit by the hurricane. Such a sad loss of rationale. Such a. applause but now there are a bunch of democrats applying to sit in that chair who do care about Climate Change, and theyalked about it tonight. Cnn hosted the 10 major candidates for a Climate Crisis town hall, which was a seven hour live event. Seven hours is not a town hall it is a hostage situation laughter now, the event started just as i began taping tonights show, so i have not seen it yet. Or ever. But we do know that the candidates will take audience questions about their climate plans. Im guessing the questions will get a little less focused on Climate Change after hour five. Hi, im alice darnell, im from des moines, iowa, and my question is, does anyone remember what its like not to be in this room . Also, can i pee in the corner . laughter speaking of desperate to leave Great Britain. laughter theyve been trying to brexit the e. U. For three years now, but every time an agreement has been reached, brexit hardliners have derailed it over something called the irish backstop which is not, as i assumed, the nickname for a dublin pub floor. No, its a customs agreement to make sure theres no hard border dividing ireland from northern ireland. The inability to come up with an agreement on this issue caused the resignation of former Prime Minister and woman not amused by her bubble gum necklace, theresa may. Brexit is now in the hands of new Prime Minister and midlife crisis draco malfoy, boris johnson. audience boos upon taking office, johnson promised to deliver brexit with or without a deal, which might be a problem, because a Nodeal Brexit would be an economic nightmare and lead to food and medicine shortages in britain. That is horrible. Not only will they be without medicine; theyre going to have to start eating british food. laughter either way, either way, theres going to be a lot of spotted dick going around. laughter look it up. But yesterday, in the house of commons, they debated a bill banning a Nodeal Brexit. And while johnson was up giving a speech defending his plan, a member of his own party walked over to sit with the opposition, costing johnson his onevote majority cheers and applause what was that . Can you imagine . Can you imagine . What on earth was that like for johnson . as johnson oh this is going quite well i think people are really liking my speech that one guys even giving me a standing ohhhhh noooooo. In retaliation, johnson is kicking all 21 of the conservatives who voted against him out of the conservative party, including nicholas soames, who is the grandson of winston churchill. Thats like the vatican kicking out jesus cousin, steve of nazareth. laughter i dont know why hes got a beer. I dont know why he has the beer. Dave what about the wine. Stephen i dont understand that. Yeah, yeah. It was water before, and then he turned it into an i. P. A. These lawmakers bucking their own party to stand up to an unnaturally blonde man with terrible ideas gives me hope. If they can do it, maybe we can, too we can, too applause Great Britain is always ahead of us with stuff like this. They elected a woman head of state in 1979. And we didnt do that until possibly someday. And standing up to a Nodeal Brexit isnt the only way that im jealous of the british. Heres the speaker of the house of commons calling for order during yesterdays debate ordeeeeer. Order very rude for members ordeeeeeeer ordeeeer order order i say to you, chancellor of the duchy, that when he turns up at our Childrens School as a parent, hes a very well behaved fellow. He wouldnt dare behave like that in front of colin hall, and neither would i. Dont geiculate dont rant spare us the theatrics. Behave yourself be a good boy, young man be a good boy cheers and applause . Stephen why cant we why why why why did we ever just think of how our lawmakers could sound. Instead of, this appropriations bill will undermine our already dangerously neglected infrastructure, we could have british accent order orderrrrr order now dont be daft about this proposal, you tollywodging git, or ill tell your grandmum what i really think of her jammy squares, eh eh now, be a good boy, donald be a good boy, donald. Go squatty on the potty cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Joseph r. Biden is here. Stick around band playing cheers and applause vo the big dogs. The old dogs. The deaf, blind, the different. Subaru presents the underdogs. These shelter dogs still love unconditionally. Theyre just hoping to find their human, who does too. To help, subaru is establishing National Make a dogs day to ask you to please consider adopting an underdog, or do something extraspecial for your dog. Burrito. Raw kitfo fried shiso. Pork chop. Soda pop. Soursop. Hot pot. Scallop. Kebab. inhale brussels sprout. Sauerkraut. Freshcaught trout. Alfalfa sprout. 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Stephen this is the excitement. It has the excitement of a live show tonight. Jon we have a live show coming up. Stephen when is the live show . Next week . Next thursday . Next thursday is the democratic debate, next round, we will be live that night from the ed sullivan theater. Be there or be scare. applause you know who is going to be on stage, who is going to be on stage that night on the debate, joe biden is going to be on the stage. Jon Vice President joe biden, hes going to be on stage. Stephen i cant wait. And i dont have to. My guest tonight served as the 47th Vice President of these United States and is now running for president. Please welcome back to the late show, Vice President joseph r. Biden applause oh, joe biden oh, joe biden oh, joe biden oh, joe biden where can i get a pair of those . applause oh, joe biden applause oh, joe biden applause stephen you want to leave while youre peaking . applause cheers sir, welcome back. Good to be back. Good to be back. Stephen nice to see you. This is i think this is the third or fourth time youve fourth time youve been on the show. Havent talked to you in over a year. Whats new . Whats going going nothing much. Things going the same. You know, we have theres no global warming. Dont worry about any of that. And everythings going well. The nation is in great shape. And the rest of the world is looking at us with envy. laughter . Stephen okay, okay. Can i leave now . Stephen sure, sure. Now, you once said to me uhoh. Stephen no, no, no, its fine. Its good. You said, do you want to be the most popular guy in america . Do you remember what the answer was . No. Stephen you said, announce youre not running for president. Thats exactly right. Stephen okay. Now you have announced that you are running for president spoiler alert. And youre still pretty darn popular. Well, i guess they dont know me yet. I dont know. Stephen how this is the this is the third time that youre running for president. Youre the frontrunner. What have you learned from your two previous pardon my accuracy unsuccessful campaigns for president . What are you doing differently this time, sir . Well, a couple of things. Pointing out that look, my dad used to have an expression. He said, joey dont compare me to the almighty. Compare me to the alternative. And the alternative is stephen when when did your dad say that . I want to know when he gave you that advice . He gave me that advice a long look, all kidding aside. Im in a situation where i hadnt you and i talked about this on one of the previous shows i was on, when my son was going through some tough times, and after he passed. And you said i should run. And thats why im running. Its your fault. Stephen all right, ill accept the blame. Ill accept the blame. applause . But, look stephen just to follow up on that, the first time i talked to you was shortly after your son beau died, and you had given it serious thought and you said you cant do that unless youre 100 . When did you get to 100 . When did you know, this is something i have to do, for yourself . Charlottesville. When those folks came out of the field carrying torches with contorted faces and carrying nazi flags and chanting the same antisemitic bile that was chanted in the streets of germany in the 30s, accompanied by the White Supremacists and ku klux klan. And, you know, those spewing hate were met by people who said, not in my town. And a young woman was killed. When the president was asked about it, he said they asked what he thought and he said, i thought there were very fine people on both sides. No president , sitting president has ever said anything like that, making a moral equivalence between haters and those folks who said, no, no, not in my town. And i realized that things werent going to change very much with this president and i think that we have to and i wrote a piece for the atlantic magazine at the time saying we have to restore the soul of this country. Because i really do believe that were at a place that we havent been in a long, long time, and a president has taken us there. And all you had to do was look at the people who who gave him credit for what he said. David duke, the former head of the ku klux klan said im paraphrasing this is why we elected him. This is why we elected him. And playing on fears and the divisions in the country is is thats not who we are as a country. And we have to restore the soul of this country. And i really mean it. applause stephen a lot of people a lot of people look to your candidacy and have said very specifically that if you were to be elected, part of the appeal is returning to a pretrump normalcy. Do we want a pretrump normalcy . Because the pretrump normalcy gave us donald trump. Its not like hes not the problem, but there were conditions, certain aspects of peoples lives that led to wanting a donald trump. What would you change about america so that we dont get another donald trump . Well, first of all, america has changed drastically since we left office. And the problems the next president is going to inherit are fundamentally different than just going back to a pretrump era. Were in trouble around the world. Weve dissed our allies. Weve embraced our enemies. Were in a position where we no longer lead by the power of our example at home. Were in a situation where people have been divided against each other, based on race and religion and ethnicity, and so on. And so i think it requires a whole different set of initiatives. And the thing that really bothers me the most, though, stephen, is we are so well positioned, but for this administration, to to lead the world in the 21st century. We have more available to us in this country. We have more opportunities. Were the largest economy. We have the greatest Research Universities in the world. Were in a situation where our workers are more productive than they are in other parts of the world. And here we are, Walking Around with our heads down, woe is me. What are we going to do . Damn it. This is the United States of america. Time to pick our heads up and move. cheers and applause and if i may finish, i think thats what happened is there has been a reckoning, a reckoning that people Everybody Knows who donald trump is, even his supporters. They make no they have no illusions about who he is. And weve got to let people know who we are. We choose science over fiction. We choose unity over division. We choose, you know, hope over fear. This is we have to demonstrate whats possible now. And people are prepared to say, god, i didnt realize this was going to happen. This is what did happen. This is what we can change. And i think the public is ready for a real significant change where we take back who we are, remind people of who we are, and begin to lead the world again. applause stephen why will voters necessarily care about trumps character and values . Because he didnt come off as a choir boy before he was elected. No. Stephen asking and i think there are some voters who kind of want a jerk in office. The same people who wanted dick cheney to walk on the dark side. Like, to overtly say that theyre not going to play by the rules. Maybe well, look, weve always had this john meacham, and we talked a lot about this, and theres always this struggle. American history has not been a fairy tale. Weve been down this road before. Weve been down this road for example in the 20s. Meacham writes about it. 1925, people in full ku klux klan garb walking down the street. And what happened though is in order to deal with that percentage of the population thats always been on the dark side is that the rest of the nation stood up not just republican and democratic president s stood up. But you also had the news Media Standing up. You had communities standing up, ordinary people, volunteer groups. They said, not here. Thats not who we are. Stephen we have to take a little bit of a break, sir. Well be right back with Vice President joseph r. Biden. applause just get one of me looking off. How is she there and were here . Condoms. True. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Its not acceptabled or nothing. And its definitely not close enough or nothing. Mercedesbenz suvs were engineered with only one mission in mind. To be the best. In the category, in the industry. In the world. Lease the gla 250 suv for just 329 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. 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Me . Stephen you have called yourself a gaffe machine. Okay . In the last few weeks youve confused New Hampshire for vermont, said Bobby Kennedy and m. L. K. Were assassinated in the late 70s, assured us, im not going nuts. Followup question, are you going nuts . laughter . Look, the reason i came on the jimmy kimmel show is because im not. laughter i i i got it. applause hey, look. Stephen okay, fine. Im fine. Thats good. Thats going to make rest of this easier. Is it fair is it fair or unfair to get after you because of your gaffes . Look, i think its fair to go after a political figure for anything, okay . I mean, we stand up and it comes with the territory. But heres the deal. Any gaffe that i have made and ive made gaffes, like every politician i know has have been not about a substantive issue. Have been about other im trying to talk about what other people have done. Like, for example they made a big deal of my saying they pinned a medal on two people who i did but, anyway, i pinned a medal on two people and the dates, et cetera. Et cetera. Stephen they said the branch of the military was wrong, and the date was wrong, and the act he was awarded for was wrong, and the medal was wrong. laughter and what position you held at the time all of those were fact checked for you. And you said that details dont matter, or details arent serious . It doesnt matter. I was not talking about me. I was praising what the valor of all these people out there that i visited in over 20 visits in afghanistan and iraq, and ive watched these people, and ive watched what theyve done. And i was pointing out the young man who i did pin the medal on, he didnt want the medal because his buddy had been killed as we as he was being dragged out of a burning humvee. And he said, dont pin that on me. Stephen i know the man who actually, who said that, dont pin it on me said the important thing for him was you empathized with him, you understood the emotional state he was in, which he sorely needed right then. Its a different thing to say when youre talking about honoring the bravery or the sacrifice or what other people went through. And the essence of it is absolutely true. The fact that i said that i was Vice President , well, in one case, i was Vice President elect. The other case i was a senator. Im not sure thats relevant. But i dont you know, i dont get wrong things like you know, there is we should lock kids up in cages at the border. I mean, i dont applause i think theres a difference whether youre talking about somebody else. Stephen just a followup, just to follow up here, you told npr that the details are irrelevant. Those details are irrelevant when the point i was making was absolutely relevant. Stephen some of the details are relevant. Thats where the devil lives. The devil lives in the details if the details youre talking about would affect the outcome of something that is about to happen or should happen. And the idea that, you know, i made the case that these folks are heroes and we should treat them as that and we should be thankful to them, i dont think the detail of whether or not it was at a fob in the upper kunar valley, which one of them was, is particularly relevant. Stephen we have to take a break. When we come back, we will do a lightning round with Vice President joe biden. Stick with us. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. For fast pain relief. [ turn around, look at me there is someone walking behind you turn around look at me there is someone look at me i am totally blind. And non24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442142424. Full of tasty, good for you ingredients. 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The roomba i7 with cleanngter base automatic dirt disposal and allergenlock™ bags that trap 99 of allergens, so they dont escape back into the air. If its not from irobot, its not a roomba™ stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Were here with joe biden, having a lovely conversation about all kinds of stuff. Sir, its time for lightning round. Are you ready . Yes. Stephen okay, are you capable of giving quick answers . No. laughter . Stephen okay, here we go. Were in the competition for the democratic nomination. What do you say to democratic voters who say that you are not progressive enough, that incremental change is not what we need right now, and that Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren, who are calling for broader, systemic change, are what we need right now . Look at my record. Everything ive done is really significant and id be happy to talk about the details. Medicare for all. We dont have stephen are you in favor of medicare for all . No, 30 trillion. Im in favor of taking obamacare, restoring it, adding a public option. Making sure everybody has access to it. Stephen do you think the republicans will play along with you for that . Because the republicans will not do anything with you, you realize . Thats not true. But on this it is. What happens is where they disagree with you, you have to go out and beat them, like we did in 2018 on the very issue of health care. Stephen why would they be nicer to you than barack obama. He was a nice guy . He was a nice guy. I got a lot of things done. The recovery act, almost 90 billion stephen not one republican in congress voted for it. I got three republicans stephen senators. No one in the house of representatives. But they were republicans and i got it passed. They changed their vote, and i got it passed. applause it doesnt mean that that will happen again. Stephen you have stressed your electability. After trump was elected, does electability mean anything anymore . And i mean that semiseriously. Where are the standards . The standard is look, ive been around a long time. The good and bad news is all these people think they know me. They know a lot of things about me. They know the things that are real about me. They know the things that are noreal. So its a lot harder for people to go out and make the case for this or that. And ive been around a lot of years. A lot of me they dont like, a lot they do like. Electability is whether they think im straight forward, whether im honest with them, whether im going into a position where i do what i say im going to do. I say what im going to do and i do it. Thats all i can say. applause stephen you said and i know im getting the wrap over here, but im going to blow a little bit. You said your campaign is not a continuation of Barack Obamas administration. What would you differ with him on . Like, look back to four years ago, what would you guys change . What should you have done differently . Look, he pulled us out of a godawful recession, prevented a depression, and the biggest thing was not one single solitary piece of illegitimate action took place in the United States presidency. Not one. applause . Stephen no indictments, no but but the worlds changed. We need health care for all. We tried to get it done. We couldnt. Now people have figured out. Guess what . We agree. We need health care for everybody. Stephen have you called him for advice . Ive called i talk to barack stephen when is last time you talked to him . I guess now its about three, four weeks ago. Stephen okay. Would you appoint him to the Supreme Court . Hell. cheers and applause yes. I dont think hed do it, but stephen he was a constitutional professor at the university of chicago. No, no, i understand. Hes fully qualified, fully qualified. Stephen have you asked Michelle Obama for advice . Only to be my Vice President. cheers and applause im only joking michelle, im joking. That was a joke. Stephen she said she said famously, when they go low. We go high. You said id like to take that guy behind the High School Gym and beat the hell out of him. Well, thats stephen which one is it going to be, sir . Lets put it in context. I was asked, dont you wish you were debating barack obama excuse me, after the obama administration, dont you wish you were debating trump now . And i said, if he said what he said about women in front of my sister in high school, i would take him behind the gym. And i shouldnt even have said that, but it was about high school. applause . Stephen sir, thank you so much for being here. I think i think weve got to go, unfortunately. Please come back. I will. Stephen the debate. Were covering it live, next thursday. Were going to have a show afterwards. Youre going to be on stage with Elizabeth Warren for the first time. Yes. Stephen give me a preview. Are we going to have the old Jack Johnsons out . How is it going to be . Rough and tumble. Is it going to be broad systematic change or what people say is incrementalism . Theyre looking for a fight. There is no incrementalism in what im proposing. Stephen what is the boldest thing you would change . The boldest thing i would change is Climate Change. I would invest 400 billion, change the way we invest. Think about this if we took the money available to us and we invested it in a in health care in a way to find cures, i have forgotten more about the cancer fight than most people know. We could, in fact, be curing major pieces of cancer. We could take out alzheimers. Theres so much we can do that is bold, very bold. And im the only one proposing. Stephen sir, thank you so much for being here. See you next thursday. Vice president joe biden, everybody weve got a performance by pixies coming up, stick around. V8 only has 5 grams of sugar. This smoothie has over three times as much. So maybe we should call this smoothie sweetie. V8. The original plantpowered drink. Veg up. 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Try listerine® and for onthego, try listerine® ready tabs™ stephen performing catfish kate from their album beneath the eyrie, ladies and gentlemen, pixies cheers and applause call me devil, call me friend, but call me black jack hooligan i came all the way from aberdeen to live among the gobetweens let me tell about catfish kate in the time before when shes just kate here in the mountains all alone before the time we called this home where is my angel fallen down at the river bottom and will she get away . Where is my blackfoot blossom is she just playing possum who lives another day . Here in the valley that we all know a river bend thats deep and slow where every creature drinks their fill and other creatures take their kill now kate had went to catch a fish to put inside her favorite dish a catfish grabbed her by the head and took her to his house instead where is my angel fallen down at the river bottom and will she get away . Where is my blackfoot blossom is she just playing possum who lives another day . Well, they wrestled all the day and night the morning showed the bloody sight kate all dressed in catfish clothes his whiskers for her catfish robe whiskers for her robe where is my angel fallen down at the river bottom and is she there to stay . Where is my blackfoot blossom is she just playing possum who lives another day . Now shes known as catfish kate cheers and applause stephen pixies everybody. Well be right back. Stephen now stick around for james corden. Good night hosted all 10 candidates for a Climate Crisis town hall, which was a sevenhour live event. Seven hours. Thats not a town hall. Thats a hostage situation. Thats the first cut of Frank Herberts dune. Its a ken burns documentary. Its war and peace. Thats what it feels like going to les mis. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show