The mainstream media, these people back here, they are the worst. They are so dishonest. When you get your feelings hurt by somebody you love, think a minute before you cry and moan about your own feelings. They call her pocahontas. You think all indians are the same . We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you have ever seen. Control your weight. Dont let it control you. Everybody loves me. Everybody loves me. Have you ever wanted to believe in something, even though you knew it couldnt be true . Do whats right, and you cant go wrong. Take it from me. Mr. T its the late show with Stephen Colbert. The best of season 4, the greatest season 4 of all time. Tonight, too much monologue. Plus stephen welcomes famous people, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause hello there, america welcome, one and all to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is so great, so agreement to be here tonight is what i would say if i were actually here. Right now, im on my way to l. A. For the emmys, and this was recorded ahead of time. So as you watch this, im on a flight headed to los angeles, giving the Flight Attendant a verbal yes that im willing to assist in the evughter lae so long ast emeris res too much vodka on thi ughter piano riff cheers and applause youve got to make the most of emmy weekend. But we still have an amazing best of season four show for you, with all kinds of highlights from the shows last year, where we talk about the lowlights from our countrys last year. laughter but we will be back monday with a special allnew show featuring the one and only sir paul mccartney. cheers and applause back here yes, thats exactly right. Thats exactly right. Give it up. Jon i seen him. I seen him. Stephen sir paul is back here in the ed sullivan theater, where the beatles kicked off the british invasion in february, 1964. It was such an exciting night that just three months later, i decided to be born. Jim . Its Election Night and the late show is live, everything, everything cheers and applause everything you see right now is happening in real time. To prove tih vtest edition of the new york times. Heres the headline it is 11 36 and 42 seconds p. M. Eastern standard time. There you go, that proves it. If there is going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation. It just doesnt work that way. laughter stephen even even the republicans were like hey did he. What . Of course the reporter had to ask about yesterdays president ial tweet in which trump called the porn star he had sex with a horseface. When the carpenters asked if that was appropriate for the president , trump responded, you can take it any way you want. laughter what other way is there to take horseface . Hey, its a compliment. Did you know that every single winner of the Kentucky Derby had a horseface . And, and may i remind you, they also had a tiny man on top of them. Trump is not happy. Yesterday he coined a new catchphrase to describe the investigations its called president ial harassment. laughter . Stephen yes. Yes. President ial harassment. Its like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. laughter and a lucky turkey gets a president ial pardon. That turkey is so lucky. Ive never seen such a beautiful turkey. Stephen as trump its so beautiful, if it wasnt my dinner, perhaps i would be dating it. On friday, Robert Mueller turned in his report to attorney general and white collar fred flintstone, william barr. Secretary of state and reigning champion returning to ribmania. The whit white houses own statr and waldorf. Outgoing tennessee senator and moms new eharmony boyfriend. Acting attorney general and baby who grew up and is not happy about it. laughter matt whitaker. According to administration sources, trump prefers a diplomatic approach to resolving tensions and wants to speak directly with irans leaders. Great trump will get a chance to break out his diplomatic charms when he meets ayatollah khamenei. It is a pleasure to meet you, muslim wizard. Nice, nice, really nice. I like the dumbledore of the de, please, dont put a spell on me. I come in peace. Now, lets see that flying carpet. Where we got that . Then pelosi psychoanalyzed trump saying, this wall thing, its like a manhood thing with him, as if manhood could be associated with him. Oh oh jon ooooh stephen oh, thats cold so the wall is a metaphor for his manhood. Now wonder hes having trouble erecting it. cheers and applause theyve intercepted wonderful people from south america and from other parts further south. laughter stephen i dont understand. Wait a second. Further south than south america . Oh, my god did Border Patrol arrest terror penguins . cheers and applause they exist. They exist. Jon they exist. Man, you gotta watch them. Stephen better than known as isis. Thank you, thank you. Trump also got into a beef today with former Vice President and man enjoying his invisible corn. laughter . Joe biden. Pennsylvania representative and man whose eyebrows dont match the drapes. laughter 7 north korean dictator and all the members of the adams family combined. Kentucky senator and man who just saw his hair in the mirror. laughter Vice President and man wishing the dogs at the dog park would put on some damn pants. laughter mike pence. Now, weve been following this Mueller Investigation for two years. I think we even mention it on the show a couple of times. laughter and this is the finale, okay. This is worse than the finale of lost. Jon wow, wow. Stephen i mean, what about the smoke monster . Was it real or not . And if not, why have so many members of Trumps Campaign pled guilty to lying about meeting with the smokewhont i dont understand. I dont understand. Why couldnt this have been like the ending of seinfeld. Still, still disappointing, but at least theyre all in jail. I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges, the oranges of the. Investigation, the beginnings of that investigation. The Mueller Report i wish covered the oranges. laughter applause cheers stephen yes yes, sir must take a look at the oranges of the investigation i say it is high clemmen tine we do so coming into the evening, joe biden had a big lead in all the polls and to celebrate, his supporters handed out free ice cream. They called it joe cones. laughter a joe cone is also what biden rs da to make sure he respects laughter plaus. Just just safety. Trump was in the rose garden this afternoon with a brandnew immigration plan. The new plan comes courtesy of professional daughter husband jared kushner, who wants to move immigration towards a meritbased system. Both democrats and republicans hate this plan. Politico described as jareds complete whiff. Ah, this fathers day, give your man a whiff of jared. Mmmm mmmm mmmm laughter applause dangerously unqualified. laughter applause this victory means the return to power of presumed speaker of the house and woman treating herself to two calcium chews tonight. laughter nancy pelosi. South carolina senator and man who is acting all natural while peeing in the pool. Department attorney general and lab partner with a secret crush ow. Director of the office of management and budget, and bad guy from raiders before he looks in the arc. And baby sipter who lost two of them. laughter and simon from alvin and the chipmunks, mick mulvaney. Gather around kids. Ittle book we at the late show put together cawd, whose boat is this boat . Comments that dont help in the aftermath of a hurricane. cheers and applause just just a quick reminder these are all actual things that he said. Is this your boat or. Did it become your boat . laughter whose boat is this boat . Has raised 1 million. cheers and applause boom look at that 1 jon seven digits. Stephen a burch of zeros. When it came to medicare for all, bernie was ready to throw down. They will be better because medicare for all is comprehensive. It covers all Health Care Needs for senior citizens. It will finally include dental care, hearing aids, and eye glass. Second of all. You dont know that, bernie. I do it. I wrote the damn bill jon oh oh stephen boom jon give me that bern oh stephen i wrote the damn bill and its a good thing you getust slapped the teeth out of your dirty mouth its raining chicklets in here all right, theyre lifting her out of there. Okay, spinning a little bit. Okay, jump ahead. And. Oh, my god what is happening what on earth is happening . Did you tie her to the rotors . The rescue team was never really concerned. A phoenix fire captain explained. We were at least able to make some eye exact i could tell that she was doing okay. Stephen you made eye contact . How . Maam, maam, maam are you okay . Maam are you okay . Lets find it in here some place. Put kids in cages. Gave security clearance to soninlaw. Repeatedly humped the flag. Called nazis very fine people hasnt released tax returns yet. After that birther stuff. Thought Frederic Douglas was alive. Tried to ban muslims. Gave a speech about a sex boat to boy scouts. Ruined kanye west. Here we go, cliewlded with russia. Lets lets take that one off. There gu. Audience oh stephen no, no, no, fair is fair. Lets take that one off, okay. And i really want to be fair to him, okay . I should also cross off mueller from the list of trump investigations. Okay . cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen when we return, more, more coming up, people youve heard of if youve heard of celebrities. sprintern its iphone season at sprint. paul switch and get sprintern the new iphone 11 or iphone 11 pro with amazing allnew camera systems. And now you can get iphone 11 for paul zerodollars a month when you trade in your iphone 7 or newer in any condition. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. I cant believe it. That sophie opened up a wormhole through time . speaking japanese where am i . woman speaking french are you crazy nuts . Cyclist pip pip woman speaking french im here, look at me. Its completely your fault. man speaking french ok . Its me. Its my fault . No, i cant believe how easy it was to save hundreds of dollars on my Car Insurance with geico. pterodactyl screech believe it. Geico could save you 15 or more on Car Insurance. What shes zip lining with little jon . Its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Depend® fitflex underwear for all day fun. Features maximum absorbency, ultra soft fabric and new beautiful designs for your best comfort and protection guaranteed. Lifes better when youre in it. Be there with depend®. Of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. I knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. I knew there was a vaccinelabled help protect her before she could be exposed to hpv. I knew. So i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. The juul record. They took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Juul marketed mango, mint, and menthol flavors, addicting kids to nicotine. Five million kids now using ecigarettes. The fda said juul ignored the law with Misleading Health claims. Now juul is pushing prop c, to overturn san franciscos ecigarette protections. Say no to juul, no to big tobacco, no to prop c. Thiwith the worlds firstdo, invisible trailer. Invisible trailer . Hop in. Silverado offers an optional inuding onennced vieage with up to 15 different v silthat makes your traileral appear invisible. Wow. Thats pretty sweet. Thats cool. Whered the trailer go . Or, get a total value of ninety seven sixty on this silverado all star without optional tech package or enhanced invisible view. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Stephen please welcome Julia Roberts applause cheers and applause stephen hello . Hello. Stephen thanks for being here. Im happy to be here. cheers and applause im going to start crying. Stephen go ahead. Go ahead. Thats so overwhelming. Im going to start weeping. I wrote a book i wrote a book its a very good book im here to promote im here to promote my book im gonna talk to stephen its going to be great stephen we love having you on the show. Thank you. Stephen and what i did not know until i was informed this afternoon is that tonight, with this appearance, you overtake Bernie Sanders as the most frequent guest of the late show, with stephen col p , buddy. cheers and applause you know what . There is a she that i do watch stephen rupaul. I love that so so much stephen have you met ru paul. No. Stephen hes my guest tomorrow night. Would you like me to send a message to him. Is there anything youd like to say to him . I couldnt talk. Just say, i love you. Stephen why dont you say it to you right now . Ru, are you are you hi hello oh, my god cheers and applause i love you so much theyre sparkles. Stephen who have you been seeing these days . Oh, ive been seeing number 27 from the new york yankee s. Stephen really . Whats his name . His name is john carlo. Ive been seeing him on twitter. Ive been seeing him in my dreams a lot. We together. Stephen right. He is number 27, he is 64, 250 pounds. Yes thats what im talking about, somebody to burp me oh applause laughter thank you. applause cheers and applause we work with young actresses that are new in the business. A lot of times they dont want to say what they really feel about things because they dont want to offend anyone because theyre just Marriott Hotels . Stephen sorry. Hey hey stephen my watch hold on maya watch got a phone call, and i tried to put my hand over it because i tried to put it asleep but it was a call from the marriott hotel. Your awards program from marriott interrupted my touching story. About emma thompson. Stephen what do you do to wind down at the end of the day . I have a glass of wine and cry. laughter like, everybody else. Stephen youve been reading my journal. Stephen and the winner is. Oh, my gosh. Stephen lady gaga, bradley cooper. This you go applause hes the winner cheers and applause laughter stephen what do you think happens when we die, keanu reeves . I know that the ones who love us will misus. Audience oh applause what do you. Want to be remembered for . Stephen oh, thats easy. I want to be remembered as the guy who says, all right, all right, all right. applause cheers thats cool. laughter but im the guy who says, all right, all right, all right. cheers and applause stephen not if my obituary comes out first. laughter . Stephen have you ever had an impossible burger . No, thats what. Stephen its a vegetarian burger. Its very delicious. Oh,. Stephen have you ever tried one . No. Stephen would you like to try one . Yes. Im not no no laughter bleep . Stephen open your mouth. Open your mouth. No no you cant listen, this is this is th honestly. Stephen baah laughter i could i could right. Listen i could bleep take you into a tribunal for this. Open your mouth open your mouth. Open your mouth. What was your First Impression of me . He is going to be so handsome in his late 50s. laughter torolorula stephen youre loud. You asked me to sing in a box. Stephen i didnt know how loud you were. And then criticized the volume . Stephen im not criticizing. Hey, look it. Storm trooper. Stephen can we do a photo . Here, get in the middle. How much is this . 10. Stephen 10 . Its 15 to have your photo taken with bryan cranston, so you owe my 5 now. I now host the late show on cbs. No, im not kidding. I do. bleep carson. Another 85 pounds of generic white male mediocrity that shops at the lesbian white house. Thats not a very nice thing to say. This anonymous person wants to know did anyone ever have sex in their dressing room . Show of hands. What about someone elses dressing room. Stephen did you theres one honest person. And that did not include me. F. Y. I. We all used johnnys dressing room. laughter . You know, cats prowl. They sort of prowl, one shoulder in front of the other, and theres a bit of that, yeah. Yeah, there you go. And then she would say to you, whats that noise laughter applause stephen i have heard that you really want to be catwoman. I mean, im just not even going to try to get that part. Theres just no way in hell theyre going to cast me get that out of here. Stephen let them know right now that you want to be cheers and applause why . cheers and applause stephen when we come when we come is that what a cat does . Meanwhile coming up, meanwhile. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. Ever since you brought me home, that day. Ive been plotting to destroy you. Sizing you up. Calculating your every move. You think this is love . This is a billion years of tiger dna just ready to pounce. And if you have the wrong Home Insurance coverage, you could be coughing up the cash for this. So get allstate and be better protected from mayhem, like meow. So get allstate and be better protected from mayhem, for that many calories you could have 9 veggie chips. These are more chip than veggie. While v8 is a snack you can veg out on. V8 the original Plant Powered drink. Veg up. Used almost everywherezema, euon almost everybody. Like the back of a bodyguard. For ages 2 and up. Eucrisa works at. And below the surface of the skin. It blocks overactive pde4 enzymes. Which is believed to reduce inflammation. And its steroidfree. Do not use if you are allergic to eucrisa or its ingredients. Allergic reactions may occur at or near the application site. Application site pain. Ask your doctor about eucrisa. Stephen folks every night im standing right over there, gathering the finest tomiahog me steel of the news. A multilayered symphonic soundscape of news stories. I spend so much time right over there curating the tifutori of the day to carefully plan the spectacular Destination Wedding that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to get drunk and wander through the rough parts of news town and pick up whatever aimless outofwork forgotten stories that look my way, stand by the highway, stick out my thumb, and elope with the sketchy drifter of news that is my segment. Meanwhile. In iceland, a Swimming Pool has banned men from using hairdryers on their nether regions. And they even produced this poster showing what elderly men should not do i am here to say that level of detail is not necessary laughter and and just for the record, if you must use the dryer down there, dont make eye contact with us while you do it oh oh meanwhile, alcohol is now being marketed as a wellness drink. The Marathon Brewing Company has a new beer called 26. 2, purported to be a beer for runners by runners. laughter its 26. 2, because just leak a marathon, you know youve had enough when youre puking in the street with bleeding nipples. Meanwhile, a new Study Suggests household cats can respond to the sound of their own names. Finally confirming that theyre just jerks. laughter applause meanwhile, an investigation just revealed that a hacker gained access to 100 million capital one credit card applications expctses. Which explains capital ones new slogan whats in your wallet . Never mind, got it. Meanwhile, the recently bankrupt toys r us is coming back, with a different approach. New locations will be smaller, and the presentation will be far more experiential and interactive. And, in a nod to the financial demise, they just returned from, the Flagship Store will feature jeffrey the giraffe lying in state. Jon oh, man oh stephen hey. Jon hey stephen hey jon oh. Stephen he said he didnt want to grow up. laughter my staff and i had a debate about whether i should do that joke. laughter im not sure who just won. laughter meanwhile, meanwhile, jon jon meanwhile stephen brace yourselves because theres some important potato developments. According to scientists, right now all over the world, potatoes have a form of depression. You can tell theyre depressed because theyre always getting baked. laughter this potato depression is caused by generations of inbreeding. Inbreeding, of course, can result in stunted growth, shorter lifespans, and eric. laughter meanwhile, a koala named rogue is known as the worlds sexiest coall abecoming a viral sensation, and heres why hello laughter that is that is some sweet marsupial. Tear me off a piece of that gday. The names rogue. What do you say we visit the land downunder . Meanwhile, archaeologists have uncovered an elixir of inmortality in a 2,000yearold chinese tomb. Though, i do have suspicions this elixir of immortality may not work. First hint they found it in a tomb. laughter researchers found an ancient bronze pot filled with a yellowish liquid exhibiting a very strong alcohollike smell. I remember making a similar archaeological discovery in a milk jug under my College Roommates bed. Now, at first, first, the scientists believed the liquid was wine, but found that it was in fact a different substance after further lab work also known as making the intern chug it. laughter of course, this socalled elitionix of immortality is a combination of ancient chemicals with no reallifeextending properties. So the archaeologists should do the right thing, send it to me. Bring me the elixir so i may shed this cursal chain of immortal life on a throne of skulls, bringing you jokes about the latest trump goofemups for unknown aons to come. Give me. The elixir. laughter applause coming up, the news comes to stephen [ whimpe ere lost, a vast sert completely devoid of basset hounds. [ back in babys arms by patsy cline ] then, it appeared a beacon of hope. Im back in babys arms more glorious than a billion sunsets. We were found. Im back where i belong found by the hounds. Back in babys arms good morning. Good night. The allnew versa the most techadvanced car in its class. This is nissan intelligent mobility. Theo ozempic® anced car in itsoh ass. Oh ann le wh type 2 dias are excited about the potential of onceweekly ozempic®. In a study with ozempic®, a majority of adults lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than 7 and maintained it. Oh under 7 . announcer and you may lose weight. In the same oneyear study, adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. Oh up to 12 pounds . announcer a twoyear study showed that ozempic® does not increase the risk of major cardiovascular events like heart attack, stroke, or death. 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Oh oh oh ozempic® announcer if eligible, you may pay as little as 25 per prescription. Ask your Health Care Provider today about onceweekly ozempic®. Oooooooooo. Ill show you something neeeeeewwww. Im gonna make you moooooove. Ill show you something, ill show you something. Neeeeeewwww. Stephen stephen please welcome the former first lady of these united states, Michelle Obama cheers and applause love and happiness stephen thanks so much for being back here. Audience a. O. C. a. O. C. stephen were live, we have to do the she. Stephen do you think the division thats in the country right now is an aberration, this is not the norm . I think it is so easy and lazy to lead by fear. It is much harder to lead by hope. applause with hope. The constitution has a specific remedy, which is impeachment. Stephen oh, okay, okay. How about how about subpoenaed . Can a president be subpoenaed . Yes, the Supreme Court has decide that. Stephen okay, you dont have to yell. All right. laughter applause all right. You telling me i bleep . Robert. Stephen that robert is instantly legendary. Robert. I know. Stephen everybody who freaks out at anybody, from now on out applause if anybody if anybody yells at me, if anybody yells at me for the next year, im just going to go, robert. Weve never failed to address this issue. And we will address it again. I dont know why hes all bent out of shape. Stephen well, senator, i for within dont think what did he say . cheers and applause i know that your species isnt known for moving quickly. laughter stephen would that be would that be ape turtle reference, jon . Tomorrow, as soon as possible, and dont make them beg for it. You could pass this thing as a standalone bill tomorrow. Meet with them. I beg of you. Meet with them tomorrow. applause . Stephen do you feel like he is now, still, two years nyeah, thats right guy for this job at this time . Who the president . Stephen yeah. Well, i mean stephen do you regret at all do you regret at all helping this man get elected . And ill join you ill join you on this one. cheers and applause stephen former staffers of yours have launched organizing for bernie this week. I know youre not going to answer the question, so im not going to ask you if youre running in 2020, so dont make me ask it. Just tell me. Are you running in 2020 . Or are they wasting their time . Should we tell rim them right now theyre wasting their time to organize for jew why i think you would ask me that question. Stephen are you going to run for president . cheers and applause i might. Stephen you might. You might why cant you just tell us . Isnt leadership about decisiveness . It is. Stephen right now, youve got an opportunity to prove to the American People that you hahatt takesoit in t oval office make the tough calls ill speak on his behalf here. Hes going to run for president. How about that . cheers and applause stephen and the money would come from a tax on the super wealthy . Yeah stephen what number yeah stephen im all for that. Im all for that. Good. Stephen im just curious what number super wellie starts at. Could you write on this piece of paper and ill let you know how much i support 123123 plus 1. Thats wealth. Its 50 million. Stephen okay, im on board, im on board then. Im on board. applause stephen ted cruz has held on to his senate seat. In texas. Hold on one second. cheers and applause once again, ted cruz defeats beto orourke. Although, although, by not being ted cruz, beto is still a winner. cheers and applause just remember, it wasnt the republicans. It was the democrats that took you into the vet to get fixed. And and there is freedom on the other side. I support hey, i support spaying and neutering, just like trump did to you i kid coming up, stephen goes outside guy this is jamie. Youre going to be seeing a lot more of him now. Im not calling him dad. Oh, nno. Look, [sighs] i get it. Some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle and save with progressive, but hey, were all in this together. Right, champ . Im getting more nuggets. How about some carrots . You dont want to ruin your dinner. Youre not my dad thats fair. Overstepped. Thats fair. Of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew widespread hpv is and while hpv clears for most, that might not be the case for him. I knew his risk increases as he gets older. I knew a vaccine could help protect him at age 11 or 12, before he could be exposed. I knew so i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. [upbeat action music] pilot wergointo b the tc for another 45 minutes or so. Find the brands you love from nordstrom. Up to 70 off at nordstrom rack. Thats fashion at a fraction. Shop anytime at nordstromrack. Com and get easy returns in store. Nordstrom rack. What will you find . applause color. Full of. Woo full of good. So you can be too. Try our new warm grain bowls today. Order now on ubereats. sprint paul its ipswitch and getsprint. sprintern the new iphone 11 or iphone 11 pro with amazing allnew camera systems. And now you can get iphone 11 for paul zerodollars a month when you trade in your iphone 7 or newer in any condition. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Depend® fitflex underwear for all day fun. Features maximum absorbency, ultra soft fabric and new beautiful designs for your best comfort and protection guaranteed. Lifes better when youre in it. Be there with depend®. Man 1 vo proof of less joint pain woman 1 oc this is my body of proof. And clearer skin. Man 2 vo proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis. Woman 2 vo . With humira. Woman 3 vo humira targets and blocks a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. Its proven to help relieve pain, stop further irreversible joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. Humira is the number one prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. Avo humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Man 3 vo ask your rheumatologist about humira. Woman 4 vo go to humira. Com to see proof in action. Stephen lesion, tonight weve ghot a big, big, show, and it its thes. You may have heard theres a new musical craze sweeping the globe. These fellas are really something. Theyre called b. T. S. , or as theyre known by their nicknames the cute one. The cute one. The cute one. The cute one. The cute one and. Uh. Im sorry, a little help. The cute one cheers . Now, let me show you how blade does it. Ha all right, stephen, listen to me. This is a bad idea. You dont want to fight me. Stephen oh, why, because beautiful broadshouldered man is afraid hes going to hurt me . Yes. My sword fight scenes are highly choreographed and edited. And lets be honest, you dont have a budget for that. Nobody puts cbs in a coroner. Eat grape and fist vel, what else should i talk about . Okay, i know, maybe a classic christmas story, like a christmas carol, that story about edward scooj what the crapose shame shame you have scwawrpded your life, caring only for money. Donald is not here right now. Come back later. Another see you tomorrow, melania. Okay, looking good. What a sweet guy. Though, i can never tell which whiney white guys are ghosts and which are mike pence. What was i saying about this book . doorbell rings laughter did you wear that to the blade alldition . Im going to kill you halpert. Things are always gonna get worse before they get better. Hey, wait, thats not fair, you tricked me the news is overwhelming, and its hard thief the coach. Stephen lick the couch a garbage can and call yourself a grouch but humans are ingenious were not a bunch of quitters you still have faithn humanes after gging on to twitter . Thats a good point. Your beard looks so stupid mmm stephen tony, if the e. U. Would take you back right now, would do you it . Yeah. Stephen really . I think so. Stephen they havent been good to you. I know. Stephen they have not been good to you. They tuke for granted, okay. They just werent that into you and they walked away and you said, okay. But you know what . Youre going to find another union. There are a lot of unions out there, tony. You are a beautiful country, and any union would be lucky to have you. All right, stephen. Stephen you stay strong. Didnt have to be this way, john. Stephen, stop it one of us is going to get hurt stephen all you had to do was tell the truth us comedy guys, well never be like them we cant be heroes were not allowed to be sexy cheers damn you, krasinski goodbye, old friend. Stephen wow i did not see this coming i want to thank my guest, action guy john krasinski. Did you hear that, action guy. la the juul record. They took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Juul marketed mango, mint, and menthol flavors, addicting kids to nicotine. Five million kids now using ecigarettes. The fda said juul ignored the law with Misleading Health claims. Now juul is pushing prop c, to overturn san franciscos ecigarette protections. Say no to juul, no to big tobacco, no to prop c. It was truly a pleasure not to do. On behalf of everyone here at the late show, thanks for watching this year. And Stephen Colbert, if youre watching this, good luck sunday. cheers and applause yeah, yeah. Remember uremember, remember, watch out for kimmel. Hes a biter. laughter now, lets all strap in for the next season and the 2020 election, because i dont know about you, but im going to be wearing a cup. Good night, everybody stephen ice cream get your ice cream see if the cabbie wants one. Hey, you want some ice cream . Ice cream . Stephen ready . Right through the windmill. clink i have another golf club right here, in case you are wondering. clink tennis racket. Amsterdam opens a 5d porn cinema. Finally, something for all these people who watch porn and think, mmm, id love to smell that. Oh, no oh, no. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from l its the late, late show