And hes Battle Tested because hes already waged allout war with chrissy teigen. Whos the pussyassed bitch now . cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert stephen welcomes Tom Hiddleston and marie osmond, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen whoo come on welcome one and all, down here, up there, hey, everybody welcome so happy to see you. Welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen, to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause piano riff theres big doins is what there is. I mean, the wheel keeps on turning. On saturday, a major Oil Processing facility in saudi arabia was knocked out by drone strikes. Responsibility was immediately taken by Houthi Rebels. Also known as houthi and the blowup bleep . laughter its the translation. now, these Houthi Rebels are in yemen, so, were going to bomb iran. laughter or not. Ill tell you all about it in tonights america at wha . laughter while the houthis claim they did it, the administration blames the houthis allies, iran. According to one intelligence expert, this is the handiwork of a sophisticated, most likely state actor, and most likely the work of a government or governmentsponsored group, and argued that such an attack could not be carried out with ten drones, which the houthis claimed to have used. Yes, drones are highlyadvanced tech. So theyve narrowed down the suspect to iran or your dad who just bought a quadcopter at best buy. laughter totally sweet. Were taking the Family Picture. Were taking the Family Picture this way this year. Were doing the Christmas Card everybody in the yard, everybody oh, i blew up an oil refinery. laughter piano riff anyway, our top intelligence officials think iran did it, and so does our top unintelligence official donald trump. laughter cheers and applause ri who tweeted as trump Saudi Arabia Oil supply was attacked. There is reason to believe that we know the culprit, are locked and loaded depending on verification. Hold it right there. You dont get to be locked and loaded and wait on verification. laughter dirty harry didnt say as dirty harry go ahead, make my day. Once youve been found guilty by a jury of your peers, punk. He continued, as trump waiting to hear from the kingdom as to who they believe was the cause of this attack, and under what terms we would proceed oh, i keep forgetting that Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman now tells the u. S. President who to attack and how. Amrent 500 room, get a free war laughter this morning, after the attack, crude Oil Prices Rose sharply, but trump says never fear, tweeting, based on the attack on saudi arabia, which may have an impact on oil prices, i have authorized the release of oil from the Strategic Petroleum reserve. Which, of course, is his nickname for don jrs scalp. laughter cheers and applause trump accent we hit a gusher. Then, trump put everyones minds of oil plenty plenty of oil. Sounds like siri accidentally recorded trumps k. F. C. Order. laughter oh, i love it. I love it when it squirts down the throat, man. Jon original recipe. Stephen original recipe, only way to go. laughter now, this afternoon, trump invited reporters into the oval office to attend a president ial manspreading, and delivered a brand new episode of chair chat open. Trump held todays chair chat with the crown prince of bahrain, and answered some questions about americas potential new war with iran. I dont want war with anybody. I am somebody that would like not to have war. We have the Strongest Military in the world. We have the best equipment in the world, we have the best missiles. But, no, i dont want war with anybody. Stephen as trump as you know, i will do anything , ll say heplane laughter cheers and applause they do. So sad. Its so its so, so sad. Its so its so its so its so sad. piano riff and he drove home the point that america is prepared. The United States is more prepared than any country in the history of of, in any history. laughter stephen as trump of of. You know the thing we live on. Big, flat, dragons on the edges. laughter piano riff sun goes over it. What else . Hey, you know who i thought id never be talking about again . Supreme Court Justice and man booing and man seen here calmly enjoying his beer, Brett Kavanaugh. Specifically, i didnt think id be talking about hispenis again. But theres a new book by two New York Times reporters that has a new allegation of Sexual Assault by Brett Kavanaugh and more corroboration of the story told by one of bretts former yale classmates, deborah ramirez. If youll remember, she says that, while at a party, kavanaugh thrust his penis in her face and she had to bat it away. laughter ramirez was not from a privileged background, and she says this incident reinforced the idea that, at yale, they invite you to the game, but they never show you the rules or where the equipment is. Oh, unfortunately, he showed you where the equipment is. laughter and in the book, max stier, a former male classmate of classmate of kavanaugh, claims to have seen kavanaugh at a dorm party forcing his penis with the help of his friends into a female students hand. With the help of his friends . laughter i cant even get mine to help me move. laughter and i offered penis laughter jon oh oh cheers and applause piano riff i offered pizza and i offered pizza and no penis. I promise you laughter this other woman, who has not been identified, says she has no memory of it and doesnt want to be interviewed. And the president wants kavanaugh to fight back, tweeting, Brett Kavanaugh should start suing people for libel, or the Justice Department should come to his rescue. Arent supposed to come to his rescue . Is william barr supposed to write a misleading fourpage summary of his junk . laughter trump also has a weird theory about why this is coming back up now the radical left democrats and their partner, the lamestream media, are after Brett Kavanaugh again, talking loudly of their favorite word, impeachment. He is an innocent man who has been treated horribly. Such lies about him. They want to scare him into turning liberal laughter look, liberals dont need Brett Kavanaugh. Between Harvey Weinstein and kevin spacey, were all good on bad penises. cheers and applause laughter stephen pizza. Pizza. Jon yeah, stephen switching gears completely. Almost every day we get a new mustsee moment from former Vice President and man asking, if theyre unlimited breadsticks, why cant i take some home in a ziploc . Joe biden. laughter an old video from 2017 went viral this weekend. And in it, biden tells a story from his youth, when he was the only white lifeguard at a predominately black delaware pool. Makes sense. Lifeguard is the Vice President of the pool largely ceremonial, no one listens to you, and you have a whistle. laughter biden told the story at a ceremony in which the city named that pool after him, and it turned into a weird rambly story about a guy named corn pop. Corn pop was a bad dude, and he ran a bunch of bad boys. And i did back in those days to show how things have changed, one of the things you had to use, if you used pomade in your hair, you had to wear a bathing cap, and so he was up on the board, wouldnt listen to me, i said hey esther, you, off the board, or ill come up and drag you off. Stephen okay, okay, i got back in those days, pomade, bathing cap, 1940s film star esther williams. I have grandpa bingo cheers and applause piano riff so biden told corn pop to get off the diving board for breaking the rules, and corn pop had another offer. Well, he came off and he said ill meet you outside. He was waiting there for me with three guys and straight razors. Not a joke. There was a guy named bill wright, mouse, the only white guy guy and he did all the pools. He was the mechanic. There used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six foot length of chain. So, i walked out with the chain. laughter stephen yes, joe biden fights with a chain, also known as getting smacked with the rust belt. laughter so biden had the chain, but corn pop and the gang had some gnarly weapons of their own. In those days, remember the straight razors youd bang them on the curb, get them rusty, put them in the rain barrel, get them rusty. Stephen the rain barrel . They would dip them in the saltwater taffy vat. laughter is this what kids were doing in the early 60s . Because i think we need to reevaluate how bad screen time is. as parent little timmy has been watching a lot of youtube, but he has not cut a bitch in months laughter cheers and applause jon six of one, half dozen of the other, you know. Stephen now, i know what youre thinking, youre thinking how did this story end . And, also, did this story end . It did. Biden apologized, corn pop accepted, and they joined up to balletfight their real enemies, the sharks and jets. laughter pow pow piano riff cheers and applause crazy boy easy easy, corn pop cheers and applause i like a lot of what joe biden says. All this sounds too insane to be true, but the former mayor of wilmington, delaware, confirmed corn pop was the real person, saying he was real as the moon in the sky. Does everyone in this story sound like theyre in a frank capra movie . as old man oh i remember the dustup between joe and corn pop it was as real as the song in your heart the first time you see a ladys gams. laughter if this story is true, then its a critical moment in u. S. History. Which is why weve brought it to life with this painstakingly accurate historical reenactment. Hey its malarkey ends here, corn pop. Oh, really . Tell that to the balanced breakfast gang thats 2 milk, sliced banana and toast. This is about respecting the law of the pool. No bouncing on the board, no swimming after you eat and no running by the pool. You could slip and hurt yourself, and then i would have to hit you with this chain. I miss you corn pop, this guys eyes are filling with blood. Hes crazy. Just thinking of barack obama, my best friend in the world. Hes currently one year old. Just looking out for you and sorry i called you Ester Williams because i realize now even in 1962 thats a really old reference. Joe, youre not so bad. Youre not my favorite, but youre fine. Lets get out of here, boys. Nice guy. Wonder why they call him corn pop. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Tom hiddleston is here. But when we return, meanwhile stick around. cheers and applause band playing s human, everybody s and appla cheers and applause oh, jon jonathan, johnathan cheers and applause jon hey stephen jon, tonight, im very excited. We have our old friend Tom Hiddleston here tonight jon Tom Hiddleston is here cheers and applause stephen you know what . When i found out, i made the same noise. Tomorrow, get ready for the same noise, Elizabeth Warren sitting right there. cheers and applause unbelievable. Unbelievable. You know, i spend a lot of time over there whipping the biggest news stories of the day into the light, delicate, chiffon cake stiff peaks that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to sweep up some leftover flour, toss in some water, salt, maybe discarded pork grease, then flatten it out, poke holes in it and bake it under the basement boiler to make the civil war hardtack biscuf mnwle cheers and applause keeps america going piano riff meanwhile, a librarian went viral this weekend when she posted a picture of a book that had been returned to the library with a full taco inside. laughter how dare you ruin something so beautiful and precious. With a book. laughter the book had a 50 late fee, plus extra for guac. Meanwhile, new york plans to deal with its rat problem by drowning them in booze. cheers and applause aaand thats one more thing to add to my list of problems that can be drowned in booz laughter put that right down there. Ill put that cheers and applause ill put that right under pants no longer fit, and wife done gone. laughter cheers and applause laughter meanwhile, speaking of booze, a drunk woman swallowed a 6inch spoon and forgot. Yknow, i thought i knew what being drunk was. But i have never been poopingthesilverware drunk. laughter meanwhile, the duchess of sussex, meghan markle, Just Launched a small fashion line, which was an immediate smash. In fact, before it could even hit the shelves the bag is already sold out. There hasnt been a monarchymerch tiein this successful since royal consort prince alberts mansatchel. Victoria called it fun, useful, and looks great dangling from your arm. And the bags nice, too. laughter cheers and applause looks good. Looks good. Meanwhile, in toy news a new day of the dead barbie celebrates the mexican holiday. Beautiful and i assume itll be a much more popular holiday doll than st. Patricks day ken. laughter well be right back with Tom Hiddleston. cheers and applause band playing for the irresistible taste of temptations™ treats. What are you doing . Oh hey, check this out. Temptations ™. All it takes is a shake™. Oooooooooo. Ill show you something neeeeeewwww. Im gonna make you moooooove. Ill show you something, ill show you something. Neeeeeewwww. Ill show you something, ill show you something. Here i go again on my own goin down the only road ive ever known like a drifter i was born to walk alone . Barb you left me hangin on the high harmony there. If you ride, you get it. Geico motorcycle. 15 minutes could save you 15 or more. Depend® silhouette™ briefs feature maximum absorbency, with trusted protection for all out confidence. Beautiful colors and an improved fit for a sleek design and personal style. Lifes better when youre in it. Be there with depend®. For that many calories you could have 9 veggie chips. These are more chip than veggie. While v8 is a snack you can veg out on. V8 the original Plant Powered drink. Veg up. Of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. I knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. I knew there was a vaccine available that could help protect her before she could be exposed to hpv. I knew. So i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. Performance comes in lots of flavors. dramatic orchestra theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show, already in progress. Void where prohibited. cheers and applause certain restrictions may apply. Hey, everybody, welcome back to the show my first guest is an actor best known for thor, war horse and the night manager. Hes now making his broadway debut in Harold Pinters betrayal. Please welcome, Tom Hiddleston cheers and applause band playing stephen no, no, maestro, please cheers and applause welcome back nice to see you again. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, stephen. Stephen pleasure. How have you been . I have been very well. audience shouting stephen they really like you. Thank you very much. Stephen i think people are excited to see you because they like your past work, but theyre also really excited about news that came out this summer that it turns out there is going to be a disneyplus series called loki. Yes. Stephen you are in this. I am. Stephen you are loki. Now, lets see, you can tell me nothing, im guessing. Well, i can tell you this, actually, the end of the years since avengers infinity war and avengers end gawh came out this spring, two questions i have been asked, is loki really dead, and what loki doing with that cube. laughter , and this series will answer both of those questions. cheers and applause stephen okay, great. Well, until the series is here, let me just ask, is loki really dead . laughter and what is he doing with that cube, tom . i understand theres time travel in this, that much we know. That much we know, tom this has been revealed disney called and said its okay laughter theres time travel in the first episode, its got to be you going back to kill baby, right . Wow. Stephen can you tell me anything that its not . laughter is it a musical . laughter but youve also played a lot of shakespeare, and im just curious, what is a few shakespeare fans here. Who have you played . Shakespeare. Stephen professionally. Posthumous, casio and and othello, hamlet. Stephen theres a big one. First question, to be or not to be, tom . laughter thats the question, man. Its a big question. Stephen yeah. Its a big question to open with. Stephen a really big question. I wonder if anybody ever asked that question. Stephen i dont know. I mean, its the question. Stephen whether its nobler scwoaght shakespeare cheers and applause to die or to sleep no more. By sleep to say we end a heartache and a thousand natural shocks stephen to die, to die, to sleep per chance to dream, ah, theres the rub. cheers and applause piano riff stephen do i get knighted now . Yes, you do. Stephen compare, like, stage combat to marvel combat. Like, whats it like to fight laiertes as opposed to Chris Hemsworth . Fighting Chris Hemsworth, youre going to lose, lets face it, where at least i suppose laiertes is going to lose because its in the script. On film, its all about angles when youre fighting. So youre trying to get the angles of the different part of the choreography to tell the story, but you only have to do it once. There was a scene in the firsved i was wearing the horns which weigh about 30 pounds, and i couldnt really sell the hit. N . The smack. So i just said to chris, i think you should just hit me in the face. Stephen that is a terrible idea. I went down like a stone. laughter and i suppose, on stage, when youre doing a fight, you have to do it riff night for 100odd performances. Stephen sure. I think if i was being hit in the face by Chris Hemsworth day after day, i dont know if i would be able to manage that. laughter stephen how do you sell a sword fight . Youre trying to hit the other guy but he knows your move . You probably know as a classically trained actor yourself laughter somebody told me you have to imagine you have an apple on the end of your sword, because you dont actually strike the fellow actor, you want to work with him the next day, you have to imagine that youre slinging the apple past the arm so that you stop at the arm. Stephen wow. However, there was one night i was doing corey elaines in london and there was an intense fight at the end of the first act and we had broad swords and it was precisely practiced and choreographed. We had done it 57, 58 times and the steel had been compromised in some way, so we connected and the seal sword snapped in half and went like a helicopter blade into thin air somewhere, mercifully not into the audience, to the back wall. And that night happened to be the night that damian lewis and Kenneth Branner were in the audience watching, and my acting partner and i wentte rditi of e. Lauger stephen thumb wrestle applause but, afterwards, damian lewis came backstage and said, oh, my god when the sword snapped in half that was amazing how do you do it every night . I said, well, damien, it was not planned. laughter stephen youre up here on a broadway review in Harold Pinters portrayal of bernard. Hows it going . Ive never done broadway, the audience has been so kind. Stephen do you have any rituals you do before going on stage . Its very common. I have an absurd and foolish warmup game. Stephen those are the best. You have a warmup for the show. Stephen i slap myself in the face really hard twice. laughter so this game is as absurd as it sounds, its called big booty. And ive played this game since doing othello, and you stand in a circle and you number off from the top, big boot as at the top, number one, two, three, four, and you have to keep this metro nometronomic rhythm. The aim of the game is to maintain the big booty position. Stephen and what would that be, Tom Hiddleston . laughter just to be stephen you dont have to actually show people the big booty. I thought perhaps it was the bi. laughter thats a natural see, youve got to stay on top of the big booty. Stephen words to live by, Tom Hiddleston. laughter stephen betrayal is on broadway at the Bernard Jacobs theater. Tom hiddleston, everybody well be right back with marie osmond. cheers and applause band playing you know that look . That life of the party look walk it off look one more mile look reply all look own your look. With fewer lines. Theres only one botox® cosmetic. Its the only one. Fda approved. To temporarily make. Frown lines. Crows feet. And forehead lines. Look better. The effects of botox® cosmetic, may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness may be a sign of a lifethreatening condition. 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It has actually helped me grow my business. Whats in your wallet . Alright, lets get going hey d im aiming it. everyone awww. girl i ordered it for everyone. dad vo we got the biggest subaru to help bring our family together. girl im just resting my eyes. dad vo even though were generations apart. grandma what a day. I just love those kids. avo the threerow subaru ascent. dad wave to grandma, everybody. avo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Did you eat all of your treats . Help i need somebody help not just anybody help you know i need someone did you eat all of your treats . Help i need somebody help not just anybody help you know i need someone cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the show. You know my next guest from donny marie and her five decades of performing on stage and screen. She is the newest host of the talk. Please welcome, marie osmond cheers and applause band playing i love you guys stephen hello. Okay, you own me. So sweet. Stephen nice to meet you. It is so fun to finally meet you. Stephen i have been watching you since i was a little boy and you were a little girl. Im glad you clarified that. Stephen and i was saying backe, we us to act out lt try,. Stephen wha exactly, in our little garage band when i was in school. And i heard you like to be me. Stephen well, i had the wigs for it. You have been entertaining us since you were three years old, now youve got a new gig as one of the new hosts of the talk. The talk. Stephen how is the first week going . Oh, my gosh, it is so fun. Ive cohosted like nine years, 40something times, and the ladies, they are the best, seriously. We can have different opinions, but, you know, you just kind of get into this groove and you kind of just talk whatever you feel. But it was interesting because the first week the first show especially, i felt like some nerves. Stephen youve done it, like, 50 times before. And i have been working, you know, a few decades. laughter and i started getting these, like, butterflies, and about tenmiteim, li, rie, stop it, you know, do what you do. But to me its a good thing because, when you lose that, i think you should move on to something else. Dont you . Stephen yeah, if youre not a little nervous, youre not really trying. But not nervous from being there. Just kind of like excited. Its kind of like a new chapter in my book and very honored cbs would pick me. Stephen youre one of nine. Cohosts . Stephen youre one of nine kids, where do you fall in the nine. Next to the youngest. Stephen im the youngest of eleven. Of eleven. Stephen yeah, i like to do this with people who have a lot of kids in your family. How fast can you say them from the top down. Done. Stephen one, two, three namingchnd app thats a sibling. Stephen it is. Youre the only girl among these eight other boys. I am. Stephen you must have had a few fight when you were a kid. Ha stephen you had to learn to speak up, obviously. Which is harder, arguing with eight brothers or four cohosts . laughter well, men only listen to half of what you say cheering so ive won every time there, and we dont fight on the talk, actually. In fact, its pleasant. Make your lunch date around it. Stephen i didnt hear half of that, but laughter piano riff stephen this is something i found out, Everybody Knows you have a Las Vegas Residency with your brother donny. Give my best to him. How is he doing. Good. Would you want to work with your sibling for eleven years . Stephen sure. Which one . Dont get mad out there. Its crazy. We were supposed to have been there sieks and its evolved to eleven years. Isnt it crazy . At year ten, we were, like, okay, lets move on to something else, because the show we have been very blessed, best show, best band, performers, dancers, whatever. And i looked at him at the tenth year and said, did you ever watch spinal tap . Stephen sure. I said, lets go to eleven because its one more. laughter and thats the truth so we went to eleven. Stephen its ending in november. And by then you will have performed more shows on the strip than elvis and cre celinen combined. Isnt that crazy . cheers and applause stephen youre hitting your stride. Why stop now . Because im on the talk. Stephen oh, so you have a full i time gig. How is donny handling you walking out on him . laughter well, ive done it a couple of times. Stephen right. laughter he wants to do some things. We love our separate careers besides working together, and its been really fun. Ive loved it. It is fun to go to work with your sibling. Stephen how many a shows a week do you do . Five. Stephen okay. How do you unwind after a show . Youre in an exciting city, vegas. Like truth . Stephen truth, no. Honest to god, shoot me straight. I was so boring. So i like to clean. laughter i go home and clean the house. Stephen you clean . Its soothing. So when i was a young girl, and the donny marie show was dubbed into 17 languages and it was worldwide and i thought i was pretty cool as a 16yearold. Stephen sure. And for the young people i was kind of like the selina gomez of that era. Stephen sure. And, so, i went home on memori and a half days and do our schooling and learn everything, and i walked in and my mom said, you need to do your chores, and it had been, like, a 16hour day. She looks at me and said, you havent done your chores and i went, uh, mother im me, i have to look good tomorrow. And she goes, really . And i said, well, yeah, were taping, i have to get my rest. And she says, oh, okay, well now instead of just doing the kitchen now you can do the toilets, too. Stephen wow. I learned quickly this was a job and there was reality. Stephen did you pass that form of down . To my children . Stephen did they do the toilets, too . Yes. I have a housekeeper that helps me but she never does their room. They go, well, why . I say, because i had to clean the toilets. Stephen it builds character and puts hair on your chest. cheers and applause piano riff thank you so much for being here. So lovely to have you. The talk airs weekdays on cbs. The young lady is marie osmond, everybody. Well be right back cheers and applause band playing aveeno® with prebiotic oat. Rates softens in. So it looks like this. And you feel like this. Aveeno® daily moisturizer get skin happy™ [upbeat action music] pilot were going to be on the tarmac for another 45 minutes or so. No wait ugh, sorry its ok [laughs out of breath] oh you got a fast one there just cant get him to slow down this class will help with that we get it. You got it were petsmart whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. Ands. If you say so. S im sorry . What teach here isnt telling you is that snapshot rewards safe drivers with discounts on car insurance. What . Or maybe he didnt know. [ chuckles ] im done with this class. Youre not even enrolled in this class. I know. Im supposed to be in ceramics. Do you know room 303. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. Good luck, everybody. cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause jon, everybody, greatest band on television was just playing one of my favorite bands in the world. You were just playing candy o by the cars written by ric ocasek. Jon exactly. Stephen ric ocasek, unfortunately, yesterday, died at the age of 75, and, i tell you, this job gives you a lot of great opportunities. Its a real blessing to do this job. The opportunities you have are incredible. The very first celebrity i ever saw when i came to new york, i was visiting with friends in college, at greenwich village, getting a cup of coffee, sitting on the sidewalk and ric ocasek walked by. I thought, i have to move here ric ocasek lives here . The first album of the cars is packed with hits like peanuts in a snickers bar. I think that is one of the greatest debut albums. Ric ocasek was 34 years old when their first album came out. He had put in the hours. He wrote everything for the cars and his music was the sound track of my high school. The cars the cars came out when i was a freshman. The next year candy o. , next year panorama. Then shake it up. I couldnt believe it when ric ocasek came on the colbert report. I got to meet one of my greatest musical heroes. Then he started doing bits on the show. We would send him out to do, like, commando raids for us. We have him looking for my eagle adopted son stephen junior. I have to send a commando squad to se find stephen, jr. Good man thankou so much for al your music. Thank you for playing with ouru. Well be right back. Stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guestsh brady bunch. Now stick around for james corden. Goodnight captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show ladies a