Yeah. Impeachment f youre going to cough, please leave the room. coughing youre digging your own grave Robert Mueller was conflicted, he had numerous conflicts coughing he said theres no collusion. No collusion coughing shut your mouth you crazy bastard coughing announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes dax shepard, Preet Bharara, with special appearance by jon stewart, and musical guest lukas nelson and promise of the real, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo happy monday thanks, everybody up there, down here, out there, all around the world, welcome to the late show thanks so much, everybody. cheers and applause welcome, one and all, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause election day 2020 is just around the corner. Only 504 days, 25 minutes and 30 seconds. Not that im counting. 27, 26, 25. lahter and tomorrow, a new candidate is throwing his hat in the ring donald trump, who is officially kicking off his Reelection Campaign with a rally in orlando. Makes sense hed do it in the home of disney. His ideas are goofy, and his base is snow white. cheers and applause piano riff also, with his climate policies, were all going to end up under the sea laughter piano riff i want to go where the people are laughter turns out, trumps Approval Rating in orlando is only 29 . And most of that is from sea world, after he held that big meeting with the prince of whales. cheers and applause piano riff making whale sounds laughter and orlando is not alone, because according to the latest poll, joe biden is leading trump, 49 to 39 . Although you should take that with a grain of salt because that poll was conducted by the lefty liberal loons over at fox news. laughter wow cheers and applause wow wow fox news is telling trump the truth . What will they tell him next . The wall isnt being built . laughter golf has rules . laughter cake isnt dinner . laughter and its not just fox. Trump is also trailing biden according to internal polling numbers from his own campaign. as trump i cant believe it, betrayed by my own data. Ive always said, you cant trust any poll that doesnt have a dancer on it. laughter cheers and applause youve got to hold it down. They hold it cheers and applause piano riff laughter but trump solved the problem of low poll numbers by firing his pollsters. laughter thats like firing a canary in a coal mine for its bad attitude. laughter as coal miner hey, wake up, you lazy bastard, youre fired come on, pack your stuff and get out of here. Man, im feeling sleepy. laughter the Trump Campaign acknowledged that the polls are real, but calls them incomplete and misleading, saying they represent a worstcase scenario for voter turnout. Its true. Voters turning out is their worstcase scenario. laughter applause trump fired back on twitter this morning only fake polls show us behind the motley crew. Yes, those polls show trump behind the motley crew because hes not popular with girls, girls, girls cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. Jon that was nice. That was nice. singing stephen trump also talked about polling in an interview that aired last night with george stephanopoulos, starting with how hes trailing biden. Hes still beating you, according to the polls. Well, i dont believe the polls. Theres no way he beats me in texas. But even your own polls show youre behind right now, dont they . No, my polls show im winning everywhere. laughter stephen as trump yes, everywhere. I defeated the Golden State Warriors to become the n. B. A. Champs, i won americas got talent, and donald, will you accept this rose . Why, yes, i will. Thank you. laughter cheers and applause i cant believe. Oh, my god oh, my god oh, oh, oh. laughter but george pushed back. I dont know, weve all seen these reports, that in 15 out of 17 states you spent 2 million on a poll, and youre behind in 15 out of 17 states. Nobody showed you those polls because those polls dont exist, george, because those polls dont exist. Stephen as trump those polls dont exist, george, and do you know why . Because this is the matrix, george. All of us right now are just duracell batteries for our machine masters, our bodies sustained in a nutrient bath with tubes out of every hole, george. Every hole. You can take the red pill or the blue pill, george. I took the red pill, and it was pure robitussin and i am tripping balls. cheers and applause tripping balls. But the interview wasnt just polls. Trump and stephanopoulos also argued about the mueller report. They didnt examine collusion. He laid out evidence of obstruction. Oh, are you trying to say now that there was collusion, even though he said there was no collusion . He didnt say theres no collusion. He said no collusion. He said he didnt look at collusion. George, the report said no collusion. Did you read the report . Uh, yes i did, and you should read it, too. I read every word. All right, lets go. You should read it, too, george. Stephen hes getting out of there fast because hes busted. He didnt read the report. You ever read moby dick . Yeah i definitely read moby dick. Really . I wrote my doctoral thesis on melvilles use of nautical imagery nice. Well, ive got to jump out of this moving limo. Bye tuck and roll cheers and applause piano riff that was our camera, right . I dont know if theres anybody else out there, but i always have this fantasy in my head that if i had to do that out of a car, i could do that. Tuck and roll and spin out i just failed to do it on a not moving stage. laughter i think i need arthroscopic surgery during the commercial break. laughter welcome to my last show. laughter stephanopoulos pressed the president on why he didnt sit for an interview with mueller. But if you answer these questions to me now, why not answer them to Robert Mueller under oath . Because laughter applause cheering stephen got to say, any pause that long is a red flag. Honey, how was work today . laughter . Good. Did you get fired . Because. laughter to his credit, stephanopoulos did not let him off easy and trump was not offended by that. Did you answer questions . They gave me questions, ainsed them in writing. Not on obstruction. Look, george, youre being a little wise guy. audience reacts stephen look, george, youre being a little wise guy. Youre being a tiny news leprechaun. Youre being an itty bitty greek hobbit. Look, i dont i dont answer questions from the lollipop field. laughter but there were a few hiccups. Or actually, coughs. Theyre after my financial statement. The senate, theyd like to get my financial statement. At some point, i hope they get it you going to turn it over . No. At some point, i might, but at some point, i hope they get it because its a coughs fantastic financial statement. Its a fantastic financial statement. And lets do that over, hes coughing in the middle of my answer. Yeah, okay. I dont like that, you know, i dont like that. Your chief of staff. If youre going to cough, please leave the room. Im just going to get a shot. Ill come over here. You just cant, you just cant cough. Just to change the shot. Sorry, mr. Trump. audience reacts stephen can you imagine working for that guy . as trump george, the iranians are clearly in violation can we start over . That guy blinked. Okay . Stop the blinking. If your eyes are thirsty, they can have a diet coke like the rest of us. laughter boy, oh, boy. Impeachment talk is increasing among the democrats, and its dividing the party. Some members of the house want trump impeached immediately, but Speaker Nancy Pelosi is resisting these calls, saying , i dont want to see him impeached. I want to see him in prison. cheers and applause i got to say piano riff i want to see him in prison, too. And i do, every time i close my eyes. laughter heh, heh. Where does his jumpsuit end and his skin begin . laughter no way of knowing. Theres no way of knowing. cheers and applause piano riff trump has become obsessed with what he calls the i word, and this weekend, he quoted a surprising source, congresswoman alexandria ocasio cortez, seen here watching you let the water run while you brush your teeth. laughter jon thats a good one. laughter stephen its true. Save water. Save water. applause yesterday, trump tweeted, representative alexandria ocasiocortez, i think we have a very real risk of losing the presidency to donald trump. i agree, and that is the only reason they play the impeach card, which cannot be legally used thats right. Hes right about that, jon. Thats why article one of the constitutions reads, the house of representatives shall have the sole power of impeachment psych, this card cannot be legally used. laughter piano riff psych psych not applause but second of all, wow, did a. O. C. Really say that . Answer kind of. Heres the clip trump pulled his quote from. Do you believe the democrats will lose to donald trump if they dont nominate somebody who is, in your mind, a true progressive along the lines you just described . Well, i think that we have a very real risk of losing the presidency to donald trump ifni we do not have a president ial candidate that is fighting for true transformational change in the lives of working people in the United States. Stephen so he just quoted the first half of what she said, and pretended that was the whole thing it reminds me of this old tweet. Charles dickens says, it was the best of times. i agree. Keep america great. Laugh applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Dax shepard is here. But when we return, Mitch Mcconnell is just a jerk. Stick around. cheers and applause band playing this is the ocean. Just listen. vo theres so much we want to show her. We needed a car that would last long enough to see it all. avo subaru outback. Ninety eight percent are still on the road after 10 years. Come on mom, lets go do you battery sound. Want a charge . Yeah battery charging. Thank you so much. Battery charging. 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Get started with a limited time offer on xfinity internet for 19. 99 a month for 12 months, plus ask how to get twohundredfifty back when you switch to xfinity mobile. cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band right there cheers and applause jon, the lovely and talented dax shepard is here. Jon dax is in the house going to be a nice one tonight cheers and applause im loving the energy in here. Stephen you know, folks, last week, our friend jon stewart was in congress, calling on lawmakers to extend the 9 11 Victims Compensation fund, which covers healthcare for survivors and first responders. The fund expires next year, and its been difficult to get Congress Attention on the issue. So jon called them out for dragging their feet on reauthorizing the fund. Because the situation is urgent, yesterday, jon met with the only constituents that republican lawmakers still listen to, fox news. Its very likely that the house is going to pass the full bill that you want, extending the program through the lives of these people. Then you have to go to the senate and, in your testimony, senate you said that a certain someone, by which it appeared you meant Senate LeaderMitch Mcconnell, cannot be allowed to use this as a political football in negotiations. Have you had problems with senator mcconnell . Yes. I mean, not me personally, but in terms of getting the 9 11 bills passed. Mitch mcconnell has been the white whale of this since 2010. Stephen yes, Mitch Mcconnell is the white whale. laughter in that he has been acting like a huge moby dick. laughter cheers and applause well, this morning, mcconnell went on fox and friends and told jon stewart that when it comes to providing healthcare for 9 11 first responders, he should just chillax. Why has it always seemed like the vote comes at the last minute . Well, many things in congress happen at the last minute. We never failed to address this issue, and we will address it again. I dont see why hes all bent out of shape. Stephen well, senator, i dont think what is wrong with this guy . cheers and applause stephen jon, now that ive got you here are you bent out of shape, jon . No no no no, Mitch Mcconnell, im not bent out of shape. Im in fine shape. Well, im out of shape. Im really more pizza crust than man at this point. laughter but im not bent out of shape. Im bent out of shape for them. These are the first heroes and veterans and victims of the great trillionsofdollars war on terror. And theyre currently still suffering and dying and in terrible need. You would think that would be enough to get Congress Attention. But apparently, its not. I think he was shocked that when he was appearing before that committee. So few members showed up that day. Well, that frequently happens, because members have a lot of things going on and the same time, and it sounds to me like he is looking for some way to take offense. audience reacts i feel like an bleep . laughter you know, stephen, now i feel stupid. This was a huge misunderstanding. I didnt know that they were busy. laughter oh, boy. Now i dont even know what to say. I didnt mean to interrupt them with their jobs cheers and applause honestly, Mitch Mcconnell, you really want to go with the well get to it when we get to it argument for the heroes of 9 11 . Listen, senator, i know your species isnt known for moving quickly. laughter stephen would that be a turtle reference, jon . laughter yeah, a little red meat for the base. A little red meat for the base. But, damn, senator, youre not good at this argument thing. Basically, were saying, you love the 9 11 community when they serve your political purposes, but when they are in urgent need, you slow walk, you dither, you use it as a political pawn, and you dont get the job done completely. And your answer to that is yeah, duh were congress. Thats how we do laughter but the truth is, thats not how congress do. Thats how the kids would say it. Stephen oh. laughter stephen thats how you, Mitch Mcconnell, do. Weve spent a year compiling bipartisan cosponsors and advocates for this bill, all in the hopes that when it finally gets to the great Mitch Mcconnells desk, you wont so, you want to know why the 9 11 community is bent out of shape, over these past, lets call it 18 years . Meet with them. And dont make them beg for it. You could pass this thing as a standalone bill tomorrow. Meet with them tomorrow. But you know what . Actually, if youre busy, i get it. laughter just understand that next time we have a war, or youre being robbed, or your house is on fire, and you make that desperate call for help, dont get bent out of shape if they show up at the last minute, with fewer people than you thought, and dont actually put it out, just sort of leave it smoldering for another five years. Because thats how things are done around here, mister. Im sure theyll put it out for good when they feel like getting around to it. No offense. Stephen jon stewart, everyone cheers and applause arll be right back with d cheers and applause band playing wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. Tlets go mets go time daddy [ giggling ] ohhhh man. Took my hat off. 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You gotta try the dish soap cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight has starred in idiocracy, parenthood, and bless this mess. He also hosts one of the most popular podcasts in the country. Please welcome dax shepard cheers and applause band playing hello stephen hello. Nice to have you on. Yes. Long time fan. First time caller. Stephen ditto, im supposed to say, ditto. Thank you. Stephen we had your lovely wife on cheers and applause right there. Oh, okay, good. Stephen she had nice things to say about you. She did . Stephen yeah. Oh, good. Stephen thats why were so excited to have you here tonight. Shes got to protect our image. These samsung washer washers wit sell themselves. laughter stephen she seems like a nice person. Shes the most beautiful human ive ever met, other than my children. Theyre slightly nicer than her. Stephen how old are your children . Four and six, two girls. Stephen thats the best age. Youre peaking now. Im aware of it, too. The snuggle sessions are beyond anything i could have dreamt of. Stephen do your kids know you are famous . That is an interesting question because they know that mom is princess anna from frozen. Stephen thats as famous as you can be. Well, yes, i agree. They have been to set, they see us work, they have seen billboards around town and people have taken photos of us when were out and about, but i was talking with my daughter and she said, why do people listen to the podcast . Do they list torn you or monica, my cohost . I said, its 50 50. She said, okay, but thats why they started listening . I said initially i think they started lis listening because ty knew me and not monica. She said, why . I said because im famous. She said youre famous . i said, yeah, thats why im on tv and people take pictures of us. And she goes, does mom know . laughter and i go, honey, moms more famous than dad. And she goes, moms famous, too . and i was, like, what is happening right now . She understands how were making a living but this word famous was its own thing. Like at kindergarten, i guess we were all of a sudden taylor swift or something. Very weird, though, right . Stephen no, thats reasonable response for a child. Okay. Stephen because famousness t assumed she was aware of that yet. Stephen because if you think about it, its a weird thing to be. Famous is a weird thing to be. Its a very b bizarre thing o be. Stephen because once you, are it doesnt require action on your behalf, you just are. Thats my hope. laughter i want to be able to sell, like, lawn gardening equipment when im older. Stephen seed, fertilizer. laughter do they now think everyone in your family is famous . Well, something happened which is very misleading where they would be right to assume that. So my mother goes by gaga in our house. laughter also, i was on a tv show that sam elliott is on and sam elliott is my moms number one heart throb of all time. I brought her to work one day, sam kissed her hand, put his arm around her, it was awesome and she told the girls i saw my boyfriend sam elliott. So they start watching the golden globes. My moms watching the kids and sam elliott comes on stage. Stephen for a star is born. And the kids go, gaga, your boyfriends on stage she says, i know, im watching. And sam elliott says, id like to bring out the most important woman of the year, the beautiful lady gaga, and the kids go, gaga he said your name hes talking about you on tv stephen isnt that fantastic . Isnt that great . You would think they have a better understanding than the rest of the kids. No. Stephen thats great. They think gaga is dating sam elliott. Stephen you have the new game show. Is this on fox . Fox thursday night at 9 00 p. M. I hope im saying that correctly. Stephen probably. It is for sure. Stephen and what is it called . Spin the wheel is the game. Its a fourstory tall wheel. Its preposterously large. Stephen look at this photo. Look at these people down here. Thats you. Look at that it looks even dumber than i remembered. laughter stephen now, wait a second we look like ants are playing this game. Stephen wait a second, this is a 40foot 40foot tall, and it weighs 20some tons, right . So the first time oh, go ahead. Stephen my question is why dont you name it 40foot wheel . If it says, spin the wheel, no, im not sure, i want to see somebody spin that 40foot wheel. Im thinking about a scifi horror film run its coming stephen is it important the wheel be this big . I guess, when my boss andrew called the wheel manufacturer, they said weve got one but its four stories. We can probably work with you on the price, and he said, great. laughter stephen but what happens on spin the wheel . This is the best part of the show. You can win 23 million, yall, on this show. Stephen what . twentythree which is an odd number of millions, i gotta say. Suspicious number stephen why 23 . Again, he called up the briefcase people. They said, the most we could possibly fit in, weve already made the briefcases, turns out you can put 23 million in them. laughter so, as you might expect, reallife friends have been, like, i want to win 23 million. Who does snnt id like to win that money. Stephen yeah, yeah. They said can you get us on the show . And i said the contestants this is not a joke all of the contestants have done things like this. One guy crawled out of his car, rescued a dozen people out of a derailed train car. Stephen how does that person then get on the show . What happens . So there was a news story about him in washington, and the cast team folks invited him to play the game as a reward. Stephen so you have to be some kind of hero to play this game . Thats exactly right. I had to tell my friends that. Im not good enough to be on the show. My wife would probably be. Stephen i hear very good things. I look forward to it. Thank you. Stephen keep the 40foot wheel in mind, every once in a while, refer to it that way. Its not too plate. We have three days to rebrand this sucker. Tune in to the 40foot wheel stephen spin the wheel premieres this thursday on fox. Dax shepard, everybody well be right back with the former u. S. Attorney for the Southern District of new york, Preet Bharara. cheers and applause band playing [tv] [door bell]t stop loving you. [door bell] [door bell] other places deliver food. We deliver more than that. Delivering happy. Mcdonalds with uber eats. Zero dollar delivery fee for a limited time. cat cat 2 frisso many choices cat 1 look lil soups cat 2 theres the shreds cat 2 friskies has it all. cat 1 i want it all can i have it all . vo feed their fantasy. Friskies. vo you can win free friskies for a year. Learn how at friskies. Com ours is a proud bloodline. We hail from the battlefields to the badlands. From the mountains and the midtowns. From the islands to the highlands. And directly to those who understand. That when you get behind the wheel. Youre not just driving a jeep wrangler. Youre joining a family. What would i say to somebody living with hiv . Keep being you. Keep loving. Keep aspiring. Keep striving. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable. That means the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured in lab tests. So keep pushing. Keep creating. And keep pouring your soul into everything you do. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre hivpositive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. Ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Milland zero grams of sugar. Eat taste with only 96 calories ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. So when ones done, its the perfect time to start another. Miller lite. Hold true. Were not going to make it. Oh, were going to make it. Woo. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody, welcome back folks, my next guest tonight is one of the countrys top legal minds. He served as u. S. Attorney for the Southern District of new york for eight years, and his new book is called doing justice. Please welcome Preet Bharara cheers and applause band playing stephen well, counselor, nice to have you on. Nice to be here. Stephen its a very powerful position to be attorney for the Southern District of new york. No longer, i got fired, but now i get to be on the Stephen Colbert show. Stephen exactly. Youve ascended to a whole new level. I feel thats a form of soft power, as they say. Stephen it is very soft. Very soft. You actually can take a pill for that now. laughter so the book is called doing justice. What is so special about the Southern District of new york . It is very powerful. The saying goes, the jurisdiction for the Southern District is planet earth. Is that a joke . Why is it such a powerful position . So i had the honor and privilege of leading that office for almost eight years, and its in the news a lot lately because my former office is, among other things, overseeing the investigation and prosecution of michael cohen, the president s former lawyer. One of the reasons, it has a tradition of going back to the founding of the republic. The district of new york before it was southern and eastern and western and all the other directions to the founding of the republi republic. The nickname has often been the sovereign district of new york, and turns out that for justice to be done, you want an independent Prosecutors Office, not a Prosecutors Office in the pocket of any particular politician who, you know, looks to the winds of political partisanship or anything else, and they do things, in my experience, and i have a parochial pride about that place, other offices may not do. Theyre tough and aggressive but i think theyre fair. A lot of the stories i tell in the book, in none of them am i the here o. The heroes of the stories are the men, women, investigators, prosecutors, staff, who have brought justice and accountability to a lot of folks and also kept the country safe, not just from corruption and financial fraud, but terrorism and everything else. Stephen trump fired. Ye ste what was the stated reason . You know, i didnt get a memo. laughter so ordinarily, the u. S. Attorney whos appointed by a prior president i was appointed by barack obama and confirmed by the senate you leave in some orderly fashion when a new president takes power, particularly one of another party. I expected to take a long, lovely, expensive vacation with my family after donald trump won, that would be the one silver lining. laughter donald trump personally invited me to come to trump tower, i met with him on the 26th ther floor, and he asked me to stay, which was unusual. One thing that may have contributed to me being fired in march, oddly, when i met with the president elect, he asked me for my phone number, which is odd, because obviously the meeting had been arranged and somebody must have had my phone number. So i wrote down my phone number literally on a postit bad, my cell and office number, and gave it to him. He called me on march 9 after he became the president of the United States, which is before i knew how much executive time he spends, and i didnt return the phone call after he left a message because i didnt know what he was calling about, i didnt know what inappropriate thing he might want to talk about, i didnt want it to look like because the attorney general wasnt involved in the call, nobody had a heads up about the call, i wanted to have the arms length relationship. Do you know how many times barack obama called me . No times. Thats how it should be with respect to a Political Office holder of the president of the United States and the local United States attorney. Its fine in certain circumstances for the president to talk to the f. B. I. Director or attorney general, but to call and try to cultivate a relationship with the u. S. Attorney in the Southern District of new york who, by the way, coincidentally, has natural jurisdiction over the Trump Organization and the Trump Foundation and various other things, and i didnt feel it was appropriate. So i didnt return the call and 22 hours later i was asked for my resignation. Stephen because youre playing hard to get, thats why. Doing justice is available now. Preet bharara, everybody well be right back with a performance by lukas nelson and promise of the real. cheers and applause band playing oh ozempic® announcer people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential of onceweekly ozempic®. 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Stephen their new album, turn off the news; build a garden, came out on friday. Here performing bad case, please welcome lukas nelson and promise of the real cheers and applause cheers and applause you have the want you have the want but not the need you want the flower but not the seed you might be clever, ha but youre tied up in your words and there are consequences circling like birds youve got a bad case of must be a terrible feeling youve got a bad case of wanting what you cant have must be a terrible feeling i cant help you, anymore you can do what you want i cant help you, anymore ah, youre too far gone youre too far gone i was too young now im too old i was too shy now im too bold i hung around too much now im too much away you had my love now you push me away youve got a bad case of wanting what you cant have you got a case wantingling what you cant have must be a terrible feeling i cant help you, anymore you can do what you want i cant help you, anymore ah, youre too far gone too far gone yeah youre too far gone yeah youre too far gone yeah yeah youve got a bad case of wanting what you cant hav youve got a bad case of wanting what you cant have must be a terrible feeling i cant help you anymore you can do what you want i cant help you anymore ah, youre too far gone youre too far gone youre too far gone youre too far gone cheers and applause stephen thank you, lukas. Thanks for being here. Lukas nelson and promise of the real, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause termites, feasting on homes 24 7. Were on the move. Roger. Hey rick, all good . Oh yeah, were good. Were good. Termites never stop trying to get in, we never stop working to keep them out. Terminix. Defenders of home. From loreal paris. Ra voluptuous volume. Intense length. Featherysoft lashes. This is what paradise looks like. Lash paradise mascara from loreal paris. Take your lashes to paradise. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be chris matthews, and wild rose star jessie buckley. Now stick around for james corden in london. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way