I dream of a world where those questions are never asked again. Thats why its time for commonsense number control starting with background checks on intjerz. Lets find out if 789. People say we wont be able to function without numbers. Those same people said the g. O. P. Wouldnt be able to function without shame. Look at me. Im doing fine, and im a complete jackass. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Plus, stephen welcomes Kirsten GillibrandChris Gethard and musical guest portugal, the man. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, how are you . Thank you, joe. Thank you very much. Hey, everybody thanks so much. Youre too kind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome, one and all, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. applause and it can be thank you for that it can be a rough and depressing world, but this weekend we timely got some news that was good. And it comes to us from Wakanda Wakanda forev is something i probably shouldnt say. Its cultural appropriation, even though its not a real place. Black panther broke all sorts of records this weekend. It had the largest solo super hero opening of all time, the largest ever box office in february, and the most white people seeing a movie starring a black person who is not will smith. Its true. You can fact check that one. Black panther is great. I saw it did you see it . Did you see it this weekend . Did you see it. Jon oh, yeah. Did you like it . I loved it. It was fantastic. Its so nice to see such a big budget movie with a predominantly African American cast. cheers and applause time was beautiful. Talented. Time was, the marketing would have focused on the only two white men in it, and the movie would have been called Martin Freeman in c. I. A. Guy back here in america, we have our own drama. On friday, Robert Mueller indicted 13 russian nationals and three russian entities for allegedly meddling in the 2016 president ial election, charging them with conspiracy to defraud the united states. First of all, no one saw this coming. There was no there were no leaks. They didnt know this was going to be the indictment on friday. That surprised everybody in the news media. Muellers office doesnt leak. That place is tighter than mike pences sphincter. Allegedly, allegedly. I dont know what that means. I dont know what that means. Apparently, the russians posted divisive facebook ads, posed as political activists and use the flash points of immigration, religion, and race to manipulate a campaign in which those issues were already particularly divisive. So they were using the internet to make people angry, or as cyber experts call it, using the internet. The russians even used Fake Identities that were a little weird. Quick tip if someone is ever that up front insisting about hating crime, they dont actually hate crime. Its like if someone is wearing a tshirt that says not going to murder you, get out of there according to the indictment, some of the russians were also in contact with unwitting individuals associated with the Trump Campaign. Unwitting. So that narrows it down to the entire Trump Campaign. laughter applause cheers Trump CampaignTrump Campaign look at you. Happy boy the indictment also shows russian trolls operated a popular twitter account called ten gop, which falsely claimed to be affiliated with the Tennessee Republican party. Ive said it before, and ill say it again you cant just believe everything you read online. There arent always horny milfs in your area. laughter some of them are like a fivemile drive away. laughter at first, donald trump claimed that these indictments actually exonerated him, tweeting, deputy a. G. Rod rosenstein stated at the News Conference there is no allegation in the indictment that any american was a knowing participant in this illegal activity. yeah, maybe, but cheers and applause fans of the president. So lovely. Maybe so, but the investigation isnt over thats like seeing the Empire Strikes back and going, well, han solo is frozen, landos a bad guy, and darth vader is victorious. I require zero followup. Lets go. Dont know where i was going just then. The parking lot, i guess. But then the mean tv people pointed out that it didnt exonerate him, so he tweeted 18 times about this, including, funny how the Fake News Media doesnt want to say that the Russian Group was formed in 2014, long before my run for president. Maybe they knew i was going to run even though i didnt know laughter maybe they told me i had to run because they had pictures of me with prostitutes. laughter maybe they helped me win. Maybe, maybe i knew about it the whole time and am lying right now. Maybe. I dont know. Of course, anythings possible. applause but, of course, donald trump is the president , and he knows that the buck stops on the previous guy. Obama was president up to, and beyond, the 2016 election. So why didnt he do something about russian meddling . Also, why didnt he kick down the door in at trump tower during that meeting and arrest the russian lawyer and tase my son and someone should have stopped me from sleeping with porn stars thanks, obama applause trump and this is hard to believe but of but trump even turned last weeks horrific shooting in parkland, florida, into an attack on the f. B. I. s investigation, saying, very sad that the f. B. I. Missed all of the many signals sent out by the Florida School shooter. This is not acceptable. They are spending too much time trying to prove russian collusion with the Trump Campaign. There is no collusion. Get back to the basics and make us all proud i have not seen anything that crass since f. D. R. s pearl harbor speech. December 7, 1941, a date which will live in infamy. Way to screw it up, Navy Laughter stephen i dont remember that part. Jon i dont remember that part. That part is new. Stephen not that great of a president after all, evidently. Jon yeah, to Say Something like that. Stephen not that great of a president after all. Now, we werent on air last week when this shooting happened in florida. And like you, i was sickened and heartbroken, not only by the attack and the loss of life, but by what i feared would be the complete lack of action by our leaders. And that feeling was quickly reinforced by statements like this from people like marco rubio, who completely abdicated responsibility. You could pass a law that makes it hard to get this kind of gun in a new condition, but youre going to struggle to keep it out of the hands of someone who has decided thats what they want to use. Im just trying to be clear and honest here. If someone has decided, im going to commit this crime, they will find a way to get the gun to do it. Stephen another as long as were being clear and honest, senator, as a lawmaker, your position is the laws are useless. Everyone into the thunderdome then why do we need you . It seems like a houseplant would do a better job, and it would probably need less water. cheers and applause we havent forgotten. No, we will never forget. applause but there is one group that does give me hope that we can do something to protect the children and, sadly, its the children. The students from parkland, florida applause hell, yeah. Good for them. These students saw their leaders doing nothing and said, hold my root beerment. My message for the people in office is youre either with us or against us. We are losing our lives while the adults are playing around. To every politician who is taking donations from the n. R. A. , shame on you. You havent taken a single bill for Mental Healthcare or gun control and passed it, and thats pathetic. Are you kidding me . You think now is the time to focus on the past and not the future to prevent the death of thousands of other children . You sicken me. Were children. You guys, like, are the adults. Stephen hes right. The adults arent cutting it anymore. I think we need to change the voting age. Until we do something about guns, you cant vote if youre over 18. laughter applause and its more id feel better. Id feel better. And its more than just words. These kids are taking action, organizing a series of School Walkouts across the country and a march in washington. These kids are inspiring. The only reason i walked out of class was to go behind the school and. Study. laughter today, these kids bussed to tallahassee to ask lawmakers to beg lawmakers, to reinstate the assault weapons ban, the very weapons that were used to kill their class mates. And with these students watching from the gallery, those legislators proved they heard their anguished cries and voted no anyway. Well, i hope these kids dont gich up, because this is their lives and their future. Someone else may be in power, but this country belongs to them. And there is reason for hope. Look at the metoo movement. A lot of men in power did not see that coming. But it proved that change can happen overnight. And this is an election year. So if you want to see change, you have to go to the polls and tell the people who will not protect you that their time is up. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand is here. But when we come back, new news about trumps sex life. Bungabunga hold together. A little to the left. 1, 2, 3, push easy easy easy horn honking alright alright weve all got places to go weve all got places to go Washington Crossing the delaware turnpike . Surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money sean saved by switching to geico. Big man with a horn. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Every great why discpump, foam, hydrate care foaming body wash. New dove men care foaming body wash ive had three people trooh, lucky penny. Anyway, sometimes i wish i were human. Woahhhh. Im human do you want to eat me . Would you like to eat me . Nobody wants to eat me. I see your one, two and three dollar deals. Tell you what, ill raise you five. Introducing value jacks way. Five great ways to save. Like i tell jack jr. , its all about big values, jr. Prices. Thats value jacks way. Like jacks oneofakind breakfast pockets for 2 each. Three of jacks famous tacos and a small drink for 3 or a classic bonus jack combo for 5 its like i tell jack jr. , its all about big values, jr. Prices. band playing cheers and applause jon jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band right there jon yeah, yeah stephen good to see you again. Good to see you all again. Well, welcome back, everybody. You know, this morning, the white house was able to get a break from the scandals of today with a scandal from ten years ago, because today, the Washington Post ran a story about a woman named rachel crooks, one of the 19 women whove accused donald trump of sexual assault, who has launched a campaign to become a Democratic State representative in ohio. Heres what happened. applause back in the early 2000s, crooks worked as a receptionist for a company in trump tower, and one day she saw trump waiting for the elevator outside her office, so she went to introduce herself. And then, before she understood what was happening, she remembered trump becoming the second man ever to kiss her, which is awful, but at least she had something to compare it to. Otherwise, shed think that kissing all men was like being assaulted by a leather bag of moist potatoes. laughter applause mmm of course, of course, the president was far too consumed with todays domestic crises to notice this story. And he tweeted, a woman i dont know and, to the best of my knowledge, never met, is on the front page of the fake news Washington Post saying i kissed her for two minutes yet in the lobby of trump tower 12 years ago. Never happened who would do this in a public space with live security dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot cameras running. laughter applause is this really the argument you want to put out there, sir . Come on, who would do it in public . If i were assaulting someone, i would do it in the alley behind trump tower at 6 30 p. M. During shift change at au bon pain, when nobodys looking out the window, like ive never done. applause and, and were also hearing more about the women who actually concepted to let trump kiss them. The new yorker is reporting that in 2006, President Trump had an affair with Karen Mcdougal, a former playboy model. No surprise. In her centerfold, her turnons included rampant corruption, thinskinned egomaniacs, and one wide yellow hair piled atop a deflated basketball. applause but if this happened over a decade ago, why is the new yorker reporting about it now . Because back before the election, the publisher of the National Enquirer paid 150,000 for exclusive rights to mcdougals story, which it never ran. Welcome to trumps america, where if a story is too steamy and trashy for the National Enquirer, youll find it in the new yorker. And there are handwritten notes from Karen Mcdougal about the affair. Apparently, after their first sexual encounter, mcdougal writes, he offered me money. I looked at him and felt sad, and said, no thanks. Im not that girl. I slept with you because i like you, not for money. he told me, you are special. yes, trump lets his mistresses know up front that hes willing to pay. Thats why he has a sign up in his hotel room we validate porking. Thats a misprint, isnt it . Its gotta mean parking. Its gotta mean parking. Thank you, jon. But mcdougal wasnt attracted to trump because of his money. In her notes, she writes, i was into his intelligence and charm, such a polite man. Okay, now this storys falling apart. laughter and according to the article, trump complimented mcdougal by saying that she was similar to his daughter, ivanka. Okay, now this story is starting to seem real again. And all of trumps affairs are family affairs, because mcdougal recalls that at one party, trump said he asked his son eric who he thought was the most beautiful girl here, and eric pointed at me. Well, first, eric pointed at a particularly curvy lamp. And laughter and smart guy. And it gets weirder. Mcdougal goes on, eric pointed at me. Mr. T. Said he has great taste, and we laughed now, its likely that by mr. T. , she means trump. But doesnt it feel just as likely that mr. T. Was somehow involved . I pity the fool i pity the fool who doesnt ask his son which bunny to bang. I also approve of Stephen Colberts impression of me. Through a friend, mcdougal reached out to see if anybody in the media would pay for her story. The response was like a hobo on a ham sandwich. laughter which is also a good way to describe sex with donald trump. So when i get that feeling stephen did i just offend hobos or ham sandwiches . So whos the publisher who shelled out for the story . His name is no joke david pecker. laughter as one former Senior Editor put it, you would think that trump has all the power in that relationship but, in fact, pecker has the power. laughter oh, no. Oh, no. It is quite clear that the peckers in charge. But most interesting of all is the timing. The affair with mcdougal happened around the same time as trumps affair with Stormy Daniels. How dare you, sir cheating on Stormy Daniels . Do you not respect the sanctity of the billionaireporn star relationship . You just go ahead and threetime the person youre twotiming with . For gods sake, sir. You watched shark week with her did that mean nothing to you . Well be right back with senator Kirsten Gillibrand. applause when you have a cold, pain from chest congestion can make this. Feel like this. Allinone cold symptom relief from tylenol®, the 1 doctor recommended pain relief brand. Tylenol®. I look like most people. But on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. Fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. Fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. Lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. Im glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. For some, lyrica delivers effective relief for moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain. And improves function. Lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. Tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or blurry vision. Common side effects dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs and feet. Dont drink alcohol while taking lyrica. Dont drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. Those whove had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. With less pain, i can do more with my family. Talk to your doctor today. See if lyrica can help. This is sumiko on her birthday. She turned 83. This is her with all her friends. This is what she does on tuesdays. This is what she does on saturdays. Her dj name is sumirok. Theres a deeper story behind every picture. Question your lens. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is the junior senator from new york. Please welcome senator Kirsten Gillibrand applause stephen nice to see you again. Thanks for being here. My privilege. Thank you. Stephen well, youre a senator. Im going to talk about some of the issues that are facing the country right now, that you guys in the legislature have to deal with. But, first, youre a fellow cath lin. Its lent. May i ask what you have given up for lent . Swearing. laughter stephen get the bleep out. laughter . Yes. Stephen really . Yes, yes, its true. Stephen hows it working out . Not well. laughter . Stephen what see, what when does it most flare up . Daily. Stephen daily. Trump tweets. It comes out all the time. Stephen i gave up hard liquor. I gave up spirits. Hows that going . Stephen im cursing a lot. laughter okay, lets talk about lets talk about gun control for a moment. Uhhuh. Stephen once again, a school, a Close Community is shattered by this senseless act of violence that is facilitated by semiautomatic weapons. Youve been in d. C. Since 2007. Why cant there be any meaningful reform or even meaningless reform . Theres absolutely no action. First, i just want to say that my heart is broken. I mean, this is unfathomable how many deaths weve had to see over and over and over again. And congress has done nothing. The silence is literally deafening. And they dont get anything done because the n. R. A. Has a chokehold on congress. The n. R. A. Is concerned only with gun sales. It is literally all about money. It is all about greed. Has nothing to do with the Second Amendment. And weve seen death after death after death, and it has to stop, and all of us stephen when are they are the people who are beholden to the n. R. A. , what is the what is held over them . Is it the money the n. R. A. Gives them oh, is it firing up those concerned or singleissue voters on the Second Amendment during the primaries . What is the i dont understand what the stick is here . They have so much power that nothing was done after aurora. Nothing was done after sandy hook. Nothing was done after charleston. Nothing was done after las vegas. And nothing is done now. That is the power. Its the power of money. Its the power of communications. Its the fear they instill in members. And its wrong. Its morally wrong. Stephen now is it is it applause is this strictly a republican problem, or are there democrats who are beholden to the n. R. A. As well . I think its a problem. And i can tell you what the solution is. The solution is they need to listen to these kids. Theyre not starting a movement and taking this into their own hands and speak truth to power. Because for me, when i nine years ago sat down with a mom and a dad who just last their daughter, their teenaged daughter to a stray bullet, and i met with her classmates and the anger and fear and resentment in their community because congress does nothing made meantime to change. And so the solution to this problem, stephen, is it listening to those kids, and hearing their pain, their frustration, their anger. And doing something about it. Stephen is that what you at one time applause at one time, you had an a rating from the n. R. A. And now you have an f. Was that the moment that changed applause changed your mind . Very much so. I came from a hunting family, but i can tell you, stephen, the minute you meet a mom or dad whos lost their child you know, i recently met a mom who lost her fouryearold son on a park bench in brooklyn. Thats in our neighborhood. Thats our community, right there. So we need to do something about it. And i think this whole conversation has a chance of changing, because of these kids. You know, people like Emma Gonzalez telling her story, speaking so forcefully, it could change. And to shame any member of congress that takes money from the n. R. A. And calling them out and holding them accountable. applause stephen this happens not infrequently. It will be Something Like whether its daca or universal background checks, where the vast majority of both parties and individual polls believe that something should happen, and nothing happens in warwick. Washington, d. C. And people throw up their hands in despair and lose the force of action because they feel like nothing can be done. Youre in washington. Youre in the senate. Is washington owned by corporations, as we all cynically fear . Well, yeah, i believe that first of all, we have dark money in politics. We have unlimited corporate spending with no no accountability, no transparency. So we have to get money out of politic s. Stephen what corporations give to you . Ive just banned corporate pac checks, actually, because i think its really important that stephen youre going to take no corporate money. No corporate money. Stephen is anyone joining you on this bandwagon. I believe people have already. Cory booker did right away, and other people are doing it, several of my colleagues. And the reason why i think we have to lead by example on this is because we have to start taking the money out of politics because it undermines our democracy. Money is not speech. I do not believe that the Supreme Court saying money is speech and corporations have the same free speech rights as americans. That is not true. It is false. We need publicly funded elections. You need to get the soft corruption out. You need to get the hard corruption out. And you need to take away the voice and the outside influence that corporations have over members of congress. And the n. R. A. Is one of the worst offenders. applause stephen well, on friday, on friday, we heard about the muellers 13 more indictments of individuals and three of organizations in russia. And the and the news continues that russia is going to try to meddle in the 2018 election as well. Youre up for reelection in 2018, arent you . Uhhuh. Stephen how can we trust the results . Well, we need to take this seriously. It is outrageous that we now have all these indictments proving that russia meddled in our elections, intentionally trying to change voters minds, using social media platforms. The social media platforms did not see it coming, had no protocols in place to prevent it. We now need transparency and accountability. We now need to make sure that we bring people together, not only the state election officials, but these social media platforms. Stephen are they going to be voluntary or regulation. And federal law we need to have regulation. We need to know exactly how to stop this outside foreign money coming into elections, which is illegal. And the fact that our president has done nothing, literally nothing is outrageous. Its a failure of leadership. applause stephen before weve got to go here in just a minute. Before we go, i want to talk about metoo for just a second. You have been called the metoo senator. You were the first to say al franken should leave the senate. Have you talked to al . Yes, he served a few more weeks before he resigned. Stephen he begrudgingly stepped down, clearly not happy about it, saying what he had been accused of, he had not done. What how did you explain to him that it was important that he step down . Because a lot of progressives were angry at you for leading that, for losing a voice like senator frankens in the senate over something that hadnt gone through the ethics investigation. What what did you say to him . Or how would you say it right now . Well, the way i looked at this, there were eight allegations, credible allegations. I believed the women, and tow me, enough was enough. I have two young sons, one who is nine and one hois 14 and how do i describe to them its okay to squeeze a woman here and grab a woman there but not okay to grab a woman there. That was not a cerch as a mother was appropriate to be having with a 14yearold boy. None of it is okay, stephen. None of it is okay. Stephen no, i understand. None of it is okay. And its important to say its wrong even when its somebody you like, somebody you care about, somebody you consider a friend. You have to speak out. You have to say, its not okay. And its painful, especially when its your friend. But you cant say, its okay as long as youre my friend. Thats the problem with it. And i had to be heard. I had to say how i felt about tbecause i cant abe good mother and i cant be a good leader on these issues if i dont speak that very hard truth. applause stephen senator, thank you so much for being here. It was lovely to talk to you again. Thank you, stephen. Stephen senator Kirsten Gillibrand everybody well be right back with Chris Gethard. Introducing the npower jean aka the perfect straight. And introducing the new relaxed slim for men. Power up with up to 50 off all jeans. Adults from fifteen dollars, kids from ten dollars. At old navy. Directv gives you more for your thing. Your toprated thing. That five stars, two thumbs up, 12outof10, would recommend thing. Because if you only want the best thing, you get the 1 thing. Directv is rated 1 in Customer Satisfaction over cable. Switch now and get a 200 reward card. More for your thing. Thats our thing. Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Most people come to la we came with big appetites. With expedia one click gives you access to discounts on thousands of hotels, cars and things to do. Like the Garland Hotel for 40 off. Everything you need to go. Expedia cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the late show. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a comedian who hosts the Chris Gethard show and the beautiful anonymous podcast. Please welcome back to the show, our friend, Chris Gethard. applause hello, sir. Stephen nice to see you. You, too. The last time we were going was a year and a half ago that long ago november of 2016, i think . We were talking about the tension of, like, doing shows on election night, how stressful it was, that particular election night. Yeah. Stephen yeah. Although, i was on public access, so you had more stress than i did. Stephen i dont know. I dont know. Public access, the cameras might not have been on. Thats pretty stressful, too. Thats true. Stephen now were into the presidency, following that election. What are you doing these days to keep calm . I mean, theres not really much you can do. I tried one of the classics. I tried yoga for the first time recently. Stephen really . Did not go well. Stephen really . Did you go to, like, a hot yoga situation . No, i dont have the guts for that. I was actually on vacation. I went to sri lanka with my wife. She told me i needed to try yoga. Stephen sri lanka sounds like a great place to start. Natural. Most people start in sri lanka. Thee found a place at the top of a mountain. You had to climb hundreds of steps. There is a buddhist sanctuary, a giant statue of buddha, going into the pavilion. Everything lining up to be the ultimate first yoga experience and it went downhill, man. Stephen did you not bring a mat . No, they had the mats there. The guy the class was up and running. People were doing very hard things. I was at the back i made it very clear at the start everybody had to spruce themselves. I said, im just tag along with my wife. I dont do those. And the guy said is there anybody who want wants to demone downward dog . Someone did it. Does anybody else want to demonstrate it, maybe a guy who is less experienced . And i said oh, no. And he said, maybe you would help us out. And i thought, here we go. And im doing it, and he goes to the whole class, i would like someone to give this man a number grade on his downward dog. He goes, on a scale of 0100, how would you say hes doing . This is the first time ive ever done it. And someone said, id give him a 200 because hes trying really hard. Stephen ooooh, thats nice. And the enstructure goes, no, someone grade this man, 0100. Stephen i didnt realize the boud afs such a bleep . It was nuts. It was nuts. And someone out of pity went, i dont know, a 50, a 60. And the instructor goes, i would give him negative points. Thats when i fell down. He was like an evil chris hardwick. He was like, negative points. Remember at midnight . Stephen no, was that on comedy central. Basic cable. You can cut this part out. Stephen now, this leads to the one obvious question could i see your downward dog, please . It wont be good. Stephen we will be the judge. It wont be good. Stephen we will be the judge. May we see your down ward dog. It wont be good. I cant really do it. Stephen you can do it. Youve got the right shoes for it. One of these. cheers and applause stephen thats pretty good. Hold on. Stay there stay there hold on this is so much better than i did it. This is so much better than i did it. Stephen what do we think . applause . Stephen thank you, you can get up now, thank you very much. If you can get up. That was really good. Thank you. Stephen yeah. It was, like, 10 times better than i did on the mountaintop. I got to be separated from the guy after the class. The jersey in me really bubbled to the surface. Stephen did it put you in a spiritual headspace . Have you, like, you have like, did you get anything spiritual out of it . No, i mean i was mostly just shouting at a man and had to be separated from him. Spiritual im not the most spiritual guy. Ive thought a lot about it. I think, like, like, i really theres, like, religions ive researched. Like, i grew up catholic. I think there are a lot of beautiful things about it. Sikhism is beautiful, quakers. Stephen quakers are nice. Are they the friends . The friends, yeah. Stephen and they sit in a circle and go, this is how my day was, expwts thats church. Yeah, thats beautiful. Stephen isnt that it . Yeah, a little bit. And you say what you tonight like about someone to hir face. Its nice. If i was going to get back into religion i would probably go and try to start a cult oring. Stephen oh, start a cult. Not join a cult, start a cult. Id like tong im a leader. Id like to think im a leader, not a follower. Stephen that downward dog, youre not, no. You do shows live. I do. Stephen weve sometimes done our shows live. It can be as i said tcan be very tense, and crazy things can happen. You have no control over it. Have things gone south for you . All the type. Thats my favorite thing about live tv. Actual disasters happen, and they get to see me wallow in shame. I love that. Stephen you can explain this we have to go here, but very quickly, you can explain this phot on right here . Oh, yes. Stephen what is happening there . That was the last episode of my season last year. The guests actually convinced the whole studio audience to leave thats true. To, like screw me over they were like, everyone, lets leave. And the only person who stayed was my wife who is the band leader on my show and this turtle hung out. The season ended with me just sitting in shame way turtle loudly eating lettuce, loudly chomping on lettuce, while i mum mumbled about how i often feel leak a failure. I think thats good comedy. Stephen the Chris Gethard show returns live to trutv on march 20. And thats Chris Gethard, everybody well be right back with a performance by portugal, the man. I am, um, very sorry. And were gonna get the phone his phone, uh out of you. The important thing is that were going to make you better. voiceiv okay. Heres how to make butter. Pour two thirds a cup of cold heavy cream into a one cup canning. Snickers® satisifes. We cantwhy . Y here flat toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. avo charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Ahh. The new guy. Whoa, he looks he looks exactly like me. No. Separated at birth much . We should switch name tags, and no one would know who was who. Jamie, you seriously think you look like him . Uh, im pretty good with comparisons. Like how progressive helps people save money by comparing rates, even if were not the lowest. Even if were not the lowest. Whoa wow. I mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. Look at us. Wow. I mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. Listerine® total care strengthens teeth, after brushing, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. Its an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. Listerine® total care. One bottle, six benefits. Power to your mouth™. Feel the power of theraflu expressmax. New power. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. Dial your bingewatching up to eleven. Join the uncarrier right now, and get four unlimited lines for only thirtyfive bucks each. Woah. Plus, netflix for the whole family. On us. Prrrrrrr. So, they get their shows. Lets go, girl youre gonna love this bit and you get yours. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. For a limited time, get 4 lines for just thirtyfive bucks per line, with no extra charges. Its showtime all on americas best unlimited network, tmobile. Your heart doesnt only belong to you. Bye grandpa. And if you have Heart Failure, entrusting your heart to entresto may help. Entresto is a Heart Failure medicine that helps improve your hearts ability to pump blood to the body. In the largest Heart Failure study ever, entresto was proven superior at helping people stay alive and out of the hospital compared to a leading Heart Failure medicine. Dont take entresto if pregnant. It can cause harm or death to an unborn baby. Dont take entresto with an ace inhibitor or aliskiren. If youve had angioedema while taking an ace or arb medicine, dont take entresto. The most serious side effects are angioedema, low blood pressure, kidney problems, or high blood potassium. Ask your doctor about entresto. And help make more tomorrows possible. I like yours too. Hair. Can i have some . Its not cool to ask that. Thanks, captain obvious. Online dating isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Instant savings now, free nights later. Hotels. Com stephen and now, performing, live in the moment with the bksteppers and the ps22 chorus, please welcome grammy winners portugal, the man cheers and applause my home is a girl with eyes like wishing wells im not alone but im still lone, lonely when i was young always go below the midnight sun those days are done but im still glowing ooh la la la la la lets live in the moment come back sunday morning a lie, oh well when youre gone goodbye, so long, farewell ooh la la la la la lets live in the moment come back sunday morning with that soul to sell when youre gone goodbye, so long, farewell my home is a girl who cant wait for time to tell god only knows we dont need history when your family swinging from the branches of a tree god only knows we dont need ghost stories ooh la la la la la lets live in the moment come back sunday morning a lie, oh well when youre gone goodbye, so long, farewell ooh la la la la la lets live come back sunday morning a lie, oh well when youre gone goodbye, so long, farewell ooh la la la la la lets live in the moment come back sunday morning a lie, oh well when youre gone goodbye, so long, farewell ooh la la la la la lets live in the moment come back sunday morning a lie, oh well when youre gone goodbye, so long, farewell cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be sam rockwell, j. J. Abrams, and musical guest, borns. Now stick around for james corden. Goodnight captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show announcer ladies and gentlemen, all the way from