Device. This is revolutionary, using the latest in forarm technology, it enables you to stop the tweets in real time. The best part, it has alexa built in, so you can listen to your favorite tunes as you activate the bluntforced interface. This product has created such buzz, they hear google has already started work on something called the pixel mallet, and apple will be introducing its iwhack next fall. Alec aplay sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trump if the twohour work day. Plus, stephen welcomes Laurie Metcalf author michael wolff. And Carly Fleischmann featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey make you work for you. Make you work for it a little bit. Hey, everybody how are you . Audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen cheers and applause stephen welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy friday. cheers and applause its the end of the work week. Of course, Donald Trumps work week never really begins. In fact, trumps typical workday now runs from around 11 00 a. M. To 6 00 p. M. Thats a sevenhour day. Thats not even fulltime. Personally, i think the president should work at least as many hours as a 15yearold saving up for an xbox. So, what does trump do after hes rolled into work at the crack of noon . Well, according to white house staff, his schedule largely consists of tv and twitter time alone in the residence, known internally as executive time. Come on. Were all adults. Just say pooping. laughter heres an actual example this is an actual example from the president s scheduled. On tuesday, trump had his first meeting of the day with john kelly at 11 00 a. M. He then had executive time for an hour, followed by an hour lunch in the private dining room. Then it was another one hour and 15 minutes of executive time, followed by a 45minute meeting. Then another 15 minutes of executive time before trump took his last meeting of the day at 3 45, before ending his official day at 4 15 p. M. So, if youre keeping track, that is one hour and 45 minutes of actual work. He spent less time being the american president than it would take to watch the american president. laughter applause but maybe its good. cheers and applause but maybe its good that trump is taking time away from the office, because secretary of state Rex Tillerson and defense secretary jim mad dog mattis are reportedly trying to hold trump back from striking north korea. You know things are bad when guys named rex and mad dog are the voices of reason. Sir, are you sure you want to go through with this . Youre getting some resistance from secretary spike and admiral psycho. laughter now, trump is not thinking about a fullon nuclear strike. Instead, its just a targeted strike against a north korean facility to bloody pyongyangs nose. Sound reasoning. Like if you walk up to a crazy person on the street and punch them in the nose, it ends right there. Were good, right . I punched you and its over. This is a crazy plan because it all comes to down to a gamble on whether north korea is ready to enter allout war over a limited strike. Thats right, donald trump is betting all of our lives on the rational decisionmaking skills of the man who settled on this haircut. laughter of course, trump has gotten some good polling news lately, which he tweeted out in new quinnipiac poll, 66 of people feel the economy is excellent or good. that is the highest number ever recorded by this poll. In fact, im pretty sure thats the highest number period. A lot of people are saying that there arent any higher numbers than that. And by a lot, i mean, like, 66 people. laughter but trump didnt read 100 of the poll, because it also says 49 of voters say former president barack obama is more responsible for the state of the economy, while only 40 say trump is more responsible. Sir, thats why you should always read past the first sentence of anything to get the full story. Lets see here, moby dick. Call me ishmael. thats a funny name for a whale. The end. Happy story. Pretty funny. They should call that i tell you, tech call they should call that ishmael dick. Jon oh hey hey stephen and when asked to grade trumps first year, 39 of voters give him an f. What . No shut up if you give him a failing grade, hell have to repeat the presidency laughter applause clean that up. The poll also let people freestyle a little bit with some openended questions, and in these, the two words most commonly offered to describe trumps first year were disaster and chaotic. Well, those are the two most common words that i am allowed to say cbs. In these answers, of the 43 words used at least five times, 25 words are negative, ten are positive and eight words are neutral, such as interesting or different. laughter interesting and different are not neutral. Because thats how you describe your cousins oneman show you got dragged to. Well, brian, that sure was. Interesting. Really different. Where did you get that much pudding . Well step outside while you put your pants back on. One thing that might be dragging down trumps poll numbers is Michael Wolffs explosive trump tellall, fire and fury. cheers and applause been here get it . Some people got it here. This things flying off the shelves, and theres not even any sex scenes thank god. laughter people are so eager to get their hands on this book that some people are buying the wrong fire and fury, instead picking up fire and fury the allied bombing of germany, 19421945. well, its an easy mistake to make. One book is about taking down a fascist regime, and the other is about world war ii. cheers and applause world war ii. Its about ii. The author of the world war ii book is a canadian historian, who was delighted when he went online and his book had landed on three different bestseller lists on amazon virtually overnight. Good for you, eh . Customers who mistakenly bought this other fire and fury were mad. One amazon reviewer said, i dont see anything about President Trump i dont know why the democrats are so happy with this book and makeinig a big deal of this laughter i look forward to that users review of eat, pray, love, this book tasted terrible and it was also very bad at makeinig love. applause how come so many people are making this mistake over fire and fury . Its ridiculous. Anyway, i just want to let you all know that i have a new book on amazon called friar and furries. Its about a monk who develops an erotic attraction to mascot costumes. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Laurie metcalf is here from lady bird. But when we come back, ill check in with my old friend, tuck buckford. I love you, basement bathroom of solitude, but sometimes you stink. Febreze air effects doesnt just mask, it cleans away odors. Because the things you love can stink. But on the inside, i feel like chronic, widespread pain. Fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. Fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. Lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. Im glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. For some, lyrica delivers effective relief for moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain. And improves function. Lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. Tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or blurry vision. 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One voice of calm in these troubled times is rightwing radio host and furious cashew, alex jones. laughter jones has personally advised donald trump, and jones conspiracypushing website, infowars, was granted White House Press credentials. A little while back, jones revealed why he thinks the president has seemed a bit off his game. I was told this by highlevel sources. Ive talked to people, multiple ones, and they believe that they are putting a slow sedative that theyre building up thats also addictive in his diet cokes and in his iced tea, and that the president , by 6 00 or 7 00 at night, is basically slurring his words. They isolate him, then you start slowly building up the dose, but instead of titrating it like poison, like venom of a cobra, or a rattlesnake, or a water moccasin where you build it up slowly so that you get a immunity to it, youre building it slowly so the person doesnt notice it. The president s about two months into being covertly drugged. laughter stephen and i dont think hes alone. It really feels like ive been on heavy hallucinogens since last january. And jones knows this is all part of a long history of president ial poisoning. Remember george w. Bush, was a governor, was wellspoken. Between him on the campaign trail and getting into office, he became a bumbling moron. You could look at him, and you could tell he was drugged up. And you look at him today, they admit hes on a bunch of psychotropics. He sits there naked in his bathtub doing those paintings. They drug president s stephen could he be right . Can we see george w. Bushs latest dog painting . Yeah, hes on drugs. But despite all the poison the president is drinking, jones believes that sometimes trump can still think clearly. Like last week, when trump tweeted that his Nuclear Button was bigger than kim jonguns. A lot of people thought that was crazy, but not alex jones. Theyre the ones saying, hey we got a bigger Nuclear Button than you. We got a bigger arsenal, more powerful, and it works. Nothing to do with the media trying to say the president has small genitals. And, by the way, he doesnt even have small hands, and by the way, thats a cliche and a wives tale, and not even true, as well. Medical doctors will tell you its the feet size. Stephen and how does alex jones know Donald Trumps genital size . laughter well, he gets a pretty good look when hes kissing his ass. cheers and applause thank you. But, youre asking, stephen, is there more to this story . Yes. And it was all covered by my colleague, conspiracy radio broadcaster tuck buckford, the host of brain fight. And this is why huma abedin is working with ikea to create a fleet of easytoassemble microsubmarines for swedens isis to invade through your toilet tank. Okay, so for your safety, jam a brita filter down there. Also gives it a nice crisp taste. Your dog will thank you. Now if youre just joining us, brainfighters, today were diving into the media conspiracy to convince you that the president has small genitals, okay. Not true, its just jealousy, because members of the Fake News Media have had their own genitals replaced by u. S. B. Ports in order to conceal Hillary Clintons emails inside their pelvic floors, okay. Thats what kegels are for opening a file. Ill do one right now. Hold on. No, that was just spam. Well, jokes on them, haha, because apple has a whole new kind of plug, and soon their groins will all be obsolete plus, it is well known that penis size has no correlation to your Nuclear Button, or your hands, or your penis, okay. The only correlation is to your instep. Ive consulted with my neuropathist at foot locker, and he assures me that the shoes ive purchased for my penis are the correct fit, okay. Always flats cant work a full day with my penis in heels. By the way, i happen to have one of the president s shoes right here, okay. Look at that. This is the President Trump. Oh, you can smell that maga, right in there, the musky maga. And lookylook whats inside. A poisoned yoohoo okay. Yoohoo, the arabic word for not as chocolatey as you were hoping. laughter now, you brainfighters down in the mind trench know i have been immune to all poisons since my sweat lodge vision quest, during the weekend i spent locked in my moms honda accord. The japanese put the child locks in the backseat on orders from crown prince pikachu. Which is why i am personally volunteering to be President Trumps food and beverage tester. Sir, reporting for duty, starting with your reddiwip. Mr. President , look at this. Yeah, i can tell immediately with one sniff that this is microdosed with the venom of the deadly emperor penguin, okay, on orders from u. N. Secretary general Morgan Freeman do not use it the only safe way to consume it is like this. Yeah, this one is safe. But just to be sure, dont put the liquid in your mouth, okay. You want to apply that you want to apply that topically. Right, just topically. Dont forget the yumgills. Down here, all right, its all a part of the flavor thorax. Mmm, delicioso. A little sweet, though. Feels a little sweet. Now, should the venom cross the neckbrain barrier, dont forget the antidote, okay. You got to fight fire with fire. You fight poison with poison. Thats why i always follow it up with drinking a bag of tide pods, all right. I take a little capri sun on there, ughugh reddiwips made this so slippery. Anyway, the point is just work your way through these. They got a real kick to it. Plus, it will make your lower intestine i mean, your duodenum will be brighter and softer than ever brainfight is brought to you by stamps. Con. All right, the service that sent a convicted felon to intercept your mail so the jackbooted government mail carriers cant push their propaganda through your letterhole. Stick around, well be right back with funnyman steven segal stephen well be right back with Laurie Metcalf, everybody. Thank you, tuck. Youre a good man charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin happy National Soup month. A whole new concept in skin say heldefense. Etox new absolutely ageless®. Pretox day mask from aveeno®. Its powerful antioxidant formula. Fights pollution and keeps skin looking younger, longer. Aveeno®. [ laughs ] rodney. Bowling. Classic. Can i help you . Its me. Jamie. Im not good with names. Celeste i trained you. We share a locker. Moose man yo. He gets two name your price tools. He gets two . I literally coined the phrase, we give you Coverage Options based on your budget. Thats me. Jamie yeah. Youre back from italy. [ both smooch ] ciao bella. [ both smooch ] this is Google Home Mini. Its the Google Assistant for your house, so it gets you. If you mumble. mumbling it gets you. If you talk like this add worcestershire sauce to my cart. It still gets you. Ok, adding now. And if youre like hey google, play my love playlist. truly madly deeply by Savage Garden plays oh really . Play my love playlist. pony ginuwine plays oh yeah. It also knows the difference between you and him. Its Google Home Mini and the rest of the google home family. Cbs presented by target. Art and history spark connections across cultures, igniting curiosity, conversation, and inspiration. Thats why target supports the Asian Art Museum in san francisco. The asian museum is here to make asian arts and culture relevant. The reality is we all have a story to tell. Its what makes us who we are. Cbs eye on the community is sponsored by target. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, back back to the show. Stephen ladies and gentlemen, happy friday. My first guest has three emmys, a tony, and a lot of oscar buzz for her brilliant performance in lady bird. Please welcome back to the show Laurie Metcalf applause stephen nice to see you again. Nice to see you. Stephen last time you were here was i think last may. Yes. Stephen you were here. You were nominated for a tony for dolls house part 2 and you won, congratulations. Thats great. Lovely. Thank you. Stephen and now, now, its been another great year for you. Now, you play lady birds mom, Saoirse Ronans mom, in the wonderful movie lady bird. Its such a brilliant performance. Thank you, thanks. Well, it was all on the page. Greta gerwig did the heavy lifting on this one, you know. She not only wroted, but she directed it and she did a wonderful job. Stephen i said this to saoirse when she was on. Its about a teenaged girl, shes finding her own voice, her own friends. You keep expecting something to happen. Yeah. Stephen like in most movies, something happens to the teenaged girl, Something Like that. Right. Stephen i said to saoirse is what is wonderful about this movie is its always happening. Yeah. Stephen its the relationship between people. Its so delicate, just moments, scene by scene, you have moment after moment. You recognize both sides of each character. Every character is totally three dimensional and has a back story, you know, the drama teacher and the math teacher and lois smiths character, of course,. Stephen oh, sister sarah jones, just amazing. Beautiful. Stephen i had i didnt get to see you last night, but the National Review last night i had the honor of presenting greta with the director award for lady bird, and what i wanted to point out is there is just a lovely line in the scene between Saoirse Ronan and sister sarah jones where she says to her, your writing, such love for sacramento. And she said, i just pay attention. And she said, dont you think thats the same thing . Thats what i mean, its so delicate. You cant lay into those lines as actors but greta set the tone perfectly, i think. Stephen and you were, well deservedly, nominated for a golden globe. It won the golden globe, the movie won the golden globe. Yeah, yeah. Stephen sunday night. Did you know at what point youve done a lot of projects at what point do you know oh, this is going to be good . Well, i guess it was when we were invited to the telluride festival, and it was the first time that i had seen the movie. It was the premiere. And i sat in the middle of the audience and heard the response around me, and then left with hearing everybody saying, ive got to call my mom. And so i thought, you know, somethings connecting, you know. Stephen yeah. Yeah. Yeah. laughter i have to take a breath after that. Now, you, obviously, play the mom, and you capture the motherdaughter relationship really perfectly. Theres a clip here that i want to show. I think this is when the two of you are shopping at thrift town. Stephen thrift town. Thrift town, in sacramento. Stephen okay, in order to try to find a dress for the perfect holiday dress for lady bird. Stephen because shes going to a thanksgiving dinner with her boyfriend. Her new boyfriend. I just think its such a shame that youre spending your last thanksgiving with a family you never met instead of us, but i guess you want it that way. Are you tired . No. Hey, marion. Hey, hows the baby shes growing. I want to see a picture at checkout. Okay. Okay. So if youre tired we can sit down. Im not tired. Oh, okay, i just couldnt tell because you were dragging your feet. Well, i just couldnt tell. Why didnt you just say, pick up your feet. I didnt youre being passive aggressive. No. Youre so infuriating. Stop yelling. Im not yelling. Oh, perfect do you love it . laughter applause on a dime. Stephen so perfect. Thats the way those mothers and daughters work, yeah they can change up so quickly. Stephen im not a mother or a daughter but but you have observed that, havent you. Stephen ive observed it. I said to my wife i said to my wife, im not a mother or daughter but im the camera. Yes, yeah, yeah stephen well, you have two daughters of your own. Yeah. Stephen have they seen it and gone, oh, yeah, thats true, mom . Well, its funny, one is 12. Stephen okay. So shes looking at all different other aspect s. Stephen shes about to enter into a period of loving conflict. Yes, those teenaged years. Stephen yes and my oldest dawrkt zoey, shes in her 30s now. We butted heads, you know, for an amount of time during those teenaged years. But its a little bit inevitable, isnt it . Stephen sure. Because i remember wanting i want to im graduating high school. I dont know where i want to go, but i want it to be somewhere different and i want to reinvent myself and start my life, not knowing that your life has started, you know, but you think that everythings going to be fresh. Stephen right. Now, does the older daughter give the younger daughter any advice, like, this is what moms going to be like . I havent heard any. But there might have been some going on in the background stephen youre not supposed to hear this. No. Stephen youre not supposed to hear this at all. Were you a rebellious child . No, i wasnt at all. Stephen where did you grow up . Edwinsville, illinois. I was pretty much by the rules and pretty shy and sort of a homebody and then i fell in with some theater people and they stephen its a rough bunch. Thats a bad thats a bad they were a Bad Influence on me. Stephen youve got another really exciting project that has started. Have you seen this promo picture . I hadnt seen, that no. Stephen well, obviously, you play Jackie Harris on rowes roserks anne and won three emmys. And now roseanne is coming back march 27. And here are you rushing. There you are as the nasty woman. cheers and applause thats a statement. Stephen right there. What has changed . Whats happened to jackie since . Oh, to jackie . Stephen yeah, whats happened to jackie. Well i dont want to give too much away but jackie says she has a job and claims she doesnt shes the best in landford at it, because i dont want to say what it is, but its funny. But we never see her at her job, so im not quite sure shes telling the truth. Stephen now, you walked on to the set after how many how many years were you guys off . 20. Stephen 20 years, so, whats it like its the same house, maybe not the same set, but the same built set. They had to recreate it. Stephen same lot, same studio . Same lot, yes. Stephen what is it like after 20 years to walk into it was a weird, muddy soup of emotions, some disturbing because, you know you could really tell that time had passed with the kids who grew up on the show. Stephen sure. And now there are new characters on the show because those kids had kids. Stephen right. And theyre old enough to be played by actors. But it so it was very surreal, and it was a time warp. So we all were looked at the set and were freaked out. But then we got to sit around the table and do the table read, and thats when it kind of clibd. And it was like no time had passed at all. That was also disturbing. Stephen im sure. It was like we had tan a hiatus week, although 20 years had pass gld well, i want to ask you one other thing before you go, talking about, like, moms and daughters, you did something you had a pretty good mom. You did something nice for your daughter. Tell the people what you did. Id like to hear the story. Well, my youngest, my 12yearold, is obsessed with supergirl and melissa benoist, understandably so, because its wonderful. So i weaseled my way on to the show, and i asked stephen youre playing a part on the show . Im playing a part on the show so we get to go to vancouver and she can meet her hero. Stephen oh, thats really nice. So mom will be cool. Mom is cool now. Well, that part yes, yeah. I mean, shes going to remember it forever so i hope she chalks it up to me some day. Stephen yeah, keep that on a piece of paper to hand back to her upon. Yeah. Stephen well, thank you so much for being here and thank you for the beautiful performance in lady bird. It was lovely to talk to you about it. Lady bird is in theaters now. Laurie metcalf, everybody well be right back. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. [music imagination by andrew simple] in the lincoln continental. whistle woo [sfx zip] with imagination, yeah yeah yeah with imagination sc johnson back back to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a writer with the number one bestselling book in the country, or as the white house calls it a garbage book by a garbage author. Please welcome michael wolff. applause the eye of the tiger, oh, yeah stephen thank you, once again, for this exclusive interview. laughter . You know hes watching. Stephen oh, he always watches. This is his favorite show and and he asked one of the remaining contacts i have said he asked for my media scheduled today. So that might mean all hes done today is watched me on television. laughter . Stephen well, congratulations, congratulations. Are you in any way surprised by the splash this book has made . , of course. I mean, you stephen you arent surprised . I am described. Stephen you described the president as mentally unstable, unfit for the office, basically jibbering to his cheeseburger when he goes to bed. And hes got the launch codes. Why wouldnt that cause a splash . Because i thought we knew this. laughter cheers and applause it turns out stephen thats true. I kept saying before this came out to the to my publisher, i said, you know, youre printing a lot of copies. Theres nothing really too new in this book. Stephen you said that to your publisher. Yeah, yeah. Stephen and he goes, youre crazy. Sit down. Yeah. Stephen you said in the forward of this you say in your authors note you say, you eventually after going through all your material settled on a version of events you believed to be true. What does that mean . It means its the trump white house. Everybody is telling you different stories. Lets put it this way everybody is lying in their own particular way because thats what you do in the trump white house. So i had to go and take whatever the event was, find as many people as i could, and then use my judgment. Stephen but in this world that you were in, in the trump white house, the actual existence of it is such a crazy thing that is so unbelievable you know, two years ago, if you had said, look, im looking at the facts here, and im going to say donald trump is going to be president , wed say, youre absolutely crazy. Thats not going to happen. Of the. Right a completely aberrant enterprise. So you go in there and you hear these events and you think this is completely aberrant. And this is the nature of this book. How do you put that into a narrative, into a story . How do you do it in such a way that it makes sense, that people can read this and say, okay, i have a pretty good im pretty confident that i now have some understanding of whats going on here. Stephen so how should i read it, though . Because im deeply conflicted when i read this because its not that im not enjoying it. I am enjoying it. But its not that it doesnt upset me. It does upset me, so on a certain level im not enjoying it it. As a exceedian, i would love it to be true because im can make jokes about it, but as a citizen, i dont want it to be true. You dont have sources for everything you have in here so how much should i believe . But this is you should believe all of it. Thats the alarming thing, that this is all true. Stephen but i do have to exercise some judgment. You say youve got recordings of a lot of these interviews here. Why not release the cordings so you can slap down the character attacks against you by the white house . Because im not in the recording im in the the writing business. Youve got to you know, if you want to turn to a recording, there are there are televisioning these people are nothing but recorded. Theyre on television all of the time. Im offering something different. Im offering and this was totally mystifying to people in the white house im offering a book. laughter you sit down, you read it page after page after page. Does the story does this does this comport with what you already know . Does it make sense . Does it have an internal integrity in which you come away saying, i think i understand this now . Thats my job as the writer. Stephen anything that gave you hope, like, oh, they do this well . laughter people have to go to sleep after this. Nothing. I mean, this is really this is alarming in every way to sit there and basically basically, thats what i did. I was like the sort of the you know, come to me and tell me how horrible you feel about working here. I was the guy. Stephen wow. And just people would reach out to you because they needed somebody to talk to . I think the truth is that they were talking to everybody, and that stephen but you got the book. Im the only person who who was willing to say this. Because im the only person who doesnt have to go back again. laughter i mean, the whole stephen i wouldnt go back again if i were you. laughter . I mean, all of the reporters in in the in the press room and in the Briefing Room and i was careful to stay away from there. I never went in as a reporter. They all have to show up there again and again and again every day. Stephen oh, i see. I do not. So this is the real story. Stephen well, thank you for the book. I look forward to the tapes. Thank you so much. cheers and applause michael wolff. The book fire and fury. Its the numberone book. When you have a cold, pain from a headache can make this. Feel like this. Allinone cold symptom relief from tylenol®, the 1 doctor recommended pain relief brand. Tylenol®. Studying to be a dentist and she gave me advice. She said dad. Go pro with crest prohealth. 4 out of 5 dentists confirm these crest prohealth products. Help maintain a professional clean. 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Youre left with. The good. In life. And in water. Choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita. Choose the filtered life. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, back boch to the late show. Back in november, i had fun being on stage with all of my friends at night of too many star. By the way, if you missed your chance to help out, you can still do so by going to omzae. Com colbert, where you can bid on a chance to spend a whole taping of the late show under my desk. Its better than behind the scenes its inside the scenes, next to the pants. So heres the deal so as part of the night of too many stars, i was supposed to be interviewed by an amazing young woman named Carly Fleischmann. Carly has autism and doesnt communicate verbally, but she does host a show on youtube and dreams of becoming the firstever nonverbal celebrity talk show host. Using special technology on an ipad to communicate, she does hilarious celebrity interviews. So james, how about it . Will you take off your shirt and be my sidekick . I mean, will you sit beside me and be my sidekick without your shirt on . I mean, will you sit beside me topless . I mean will you be my sidekick . laughs here is my serious question for you if you could fart by any celebrity, what celebrity would it be and why . If i could fart beside any celebrity . I would fart beside obama and blame it on michelle just to see what his reaction would be. You would fart beside michelle and barack obama . How about that channing, would you date a 21yearold person with autism . Ugh, yes if i got permission from my wife. All right, ive got my lawyers working on your divorce papers as we speak stephen a bold move. But i cant blame her, ive seen magic mike. Heres the thing carly was supposed to interview me at night of too many stars, but it was a live show, and things didnt go exactly as we planned, and it didnt happen. So i said, why dont you come to the ed sullivan theater and we can do the interview right here. So what you are about to see is the conversation we had. All of the questions were written by her, and all the answers are mine, except for a few she wrote for me from my apple watch. Youll see what i mean when you actually see the thing. So please enjoy what may be my favorite interview of the year. Announcer its the late show, not with Stephen Colbert, starring Carly Fleischmann. Please welcome carly. Hi, my name is carly cheers and applause applause stephen good to be here. Stephen okay. I was. Oh, really . Ugh, depends on what you consider sexy. You know, some people like dad bods, and ive got even better than that. Ive got a grandpa bod. So thats, like, twice as sexy as a dad bod. And, you know, if the lightings right. Stephen oh, yeah. laughter stephen do i love donald trump . No, no way. Uhuh, sorry, nice try, next question. Does he ask about me . Stephen i dont think so, either. Stephen thats true. Right. Okay. Yes. A that is a lie. B, why am i british . Stephen i dont know what that means, what i just did. laughter stephen wait, i know im boring, but stephen hold, hold. Im going to im going to try something. Stephen nope, okay, nope. Okay, good. Im ready. Thank you, thank you. These are actually renttoown. cheers and applause stephen Carly Fleischmann late show. Join me next week when ill be joined by bon jovi, ricky gervais, and sharon stone. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show