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I dont blame the fella. Could be the axe, too. Kids love a snow day. Before you go, jack, could you tell us if the cold will let up any time soon . Ill take that as a no. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, freezing toasms, hot tweets. Plus, stephen welcomes Anderson Cooper maz jobrani and musical guest margo price. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen how are you . Hey, everybody wooo wooo cheers and applause wooo oh, gotta love it. Thank you so much. Please, have a seat. Youre too kind. Thank you very much. How lovely. Please, gotta love it. Every january every january they ship in fresh audiences for us and thats so welcome. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause thank you very much. Its our first, first show of 2018. Happy new year, everybody. Happy new year. Going to be a good one. I love new years. Its one of my favorite holidays that involves getting together with friends and screaming at a clock. So far, so far, my resolution is to stay inside until june because it is cold. Id like to salute all the brave audience members, these heroes. cheers and applause are you okay . These heroes, they did it they said in freezing temperatures to get in here tonight, and tonight we salute them and remember the friends they had to eat to survive. Jon oh, snap. Stephen but brutal cold is tormenting the u. S. , folks. And reports say the worst is yet to come. The worst is yet to come, by the way, was also the theme of my new years party. The National Weather service has warned that were in a prolonged period of muchbelownormal temperatures. For my younger viewers, thats what we used to call winter. laughter prolonged low temperatures apparently, thats new now. Plus, times square had the secondcoldest new years eve celebration on record. Its true. The ball did not so much drop as shrivel up and rise back into 2017. Its just where are come on down come on down fun family joke. And its not just new york. There are winter storm warnings as far south as florida. And right now, it feels colder in parts of canada than on mars. Still no evidence of life in canada. laughter speaking of new lows, donald trump. laughter cheers and applause they were wondering, they were wondering. They were wondering when i was going to get there. laughter donald trump tweeted, in the east, it could be the coldest new years eve on record. Perhaps we could use a bit of that good old Global Warming that our country, but not other country, was going to pay trillions of dollars to protect against. Bundle up you see the logic here because Donald Trumps cold right now, thats evidence that the earth. Just like because trumps president right now, thats evidence weve never had a competent president. cheers and applause and theres no evidence. Its only whats happening now the church of whats happening now. Jon the church of whats happening now. Stephen thats right. And this morning, trump went on a tear tweeting nine times . Nine times. Including this one, crooked Hillary Clintons top aid, huma abedin, has been accused of disregarding basic security protocols. She put classified passwords into the hands of foreign agents. Remember sailors pictures on submarine . Jail deep state justice dept must finally act . Also on comey and others. Remember sailors pictures on submarine . laughter i i think grandpas reminiscing again i remember, i remember when licorice came in a little pouch with a blue stamp on it, and nickels cost a dime. All right. Jail laughter but i just want to take a moment here to point out this is the president of the United States just described the Justice Department as a deepstate entity because it is so corrupt, it is unwilling to throw his political opponents in jail. That is a serious charge, the kind of thing you could never, ever make lightly. And, of course, you could never take back. Im kidding. laughter today, white house insists donald trump does not think d. O. J. Is deep state despite tweeting otherwise. Yes, Sarah Huckabee sanders said that this afternoon. Who got to her . Could it be. The deep state . laughter applause cheers could it . Could it . Nah, he was just talking out of his butt. Then trump took credit for something he had absolutely nothing to do with. Since taking office, i have been very strict on commercial aviation. Good news, it was just reported that there were zero deaths in 2017, the best and safest year on record trump took credit for no one dying in a plane crash last year. That explains his new Campaign Slogan, trump 2020 you got to tulsa, didnt you . What do you want . Trump also yeah, tulsa tulsa hell, yeah trump also took aim at his favorite punching bag, the free press, tweeting, the failing New York Times has a new publisher, a. G. Sulzberger. Congratulations here is a last chance for the times to fulfill the vision of its founder, adolph ochs. So that makes two adolphs hes pulling for. laughter jon wooo wooo wooo stephen happy new year. Fresh start it continues to give the news impartially, without fear or favor, regardless of party, sect, or interests involved. Get, dot dot dot, dot dot dot dot, impartial journalists of a much higher standard, lose all of your phony and nonexistent sources, and treat the president of the United States fairly, so that the next time i and the people win, you wont have to write an apology to your readers for a job poorly done glah laughter now applause i havent done that in a while. Thats a tough impression on the throat. Ive got to toughen up. Now, hes probably saying, good luck, as in, its 2018, and donald trump is still the president. Glah laughter on the international front, while on the front internationale, the year started off big for north korean dictator kim jongun. He gave a speech yesterday, and for the new year, he got a sharp new suit and had his head rerectangled. laughter very, very nice. Yes. Could we go back to that, jimmy . Why first of all, cheers and applause yeah. His barber uses a compass and a protractor. But why are there seven microphones in front of him . Is that one for every television in north korea . Once he got through his obligatory ive got nukes, death to america, meow, meow, meow, un actually had some good news. In what is seen as an offering of an olive branch, he plans to send a delegation to the Winter Olympics in south korea. There are even rumors that north korea has been pumping their olympic team with performanceenhancing food. laughter so there is some hope for better relations between north and south korea. A lot of people deserve credit for that, but one person is taking all of it, because this morning, the president tweeted, sanctions and other pressures are beginning to have a big impact on north korea. Soldiers are dangerously fleeing to south korea. Rocket man now wants to talk to south korea for first time. Perhaps that is good news, perhaps not we will see we will see . Thats a little nonchalant. Maybe itll lead to peace. Maybe itll lead to thermonuclear war. No way of knowing. I, as the president , would do something about it, but im too busy keeping all the planes in the sky. Thats right. Delta 35niner, you are clear delta 35niner, you are clear to land. laughter you know what else hes busy with . Hes designed this new president ial challenge coin. Now, for those of you who dont know what a challenge coin is, ive got one right here. Theyre these medallions that the military put their unit insignias on and slip it into someones hand with a handshake, similar to how you pass a tip to a maitred, or buy a dime bag, or give your maitred a dime bag, you know. Ive received several coins myself. Its a great honor and a wonderful american tradition, so, naturally, trump is ruining it. Lets take a look at Barack Obamas president ial challenge coin. Its a copper color with the president ial seal on one side and on the other the white house, obamas name and signature. It was a simpler time. Well, no surprise, trumps coin is gold. And at the top of it, it says, donald j. Trump. Then theres his signature in the middle. And theyve also added his name again at the bottom in a banner, in case you forgot his name midcoin. laughter plus, trump has flipped the direction of the eagle and replaced the nations motto, E Pluribus Unum with make America Great again. Audience ooooh booing . Stephen oh, come on i guess replacing the National Motto with his Campaign Slogan is kind of tacky. It beats good for one free drink. Sounds classier in latin. And not satisfied with making it gold and putting his name all over it, he also had to make it thicker. You know what they say about a man with a thick coin very small penis. cheers and applause i dont know if thats true. I dont know if thats true. I dont actually know if thats true. Were going to fact check that. I dont know if thats true. And its not just honoring trump honoring trump. Over the break, the donald trump animatronic robot was unveiled at disneys hall of president s. Lets take a look. Glah glah glah jim, jim, i said put up a picture of trumps robot, not jon voight after a chemical spill. laughter well, that is truly disturbing. I know one sculptor who did not vote for him. laughter well, cbs late show has obtained exclusive footage of the trump robot in action and, evidently, it is not getting along with its fellow president s. Wornlg washington, he will go down as one of the worst president s in the history of our country. Thomas jefferson, one of the great sleaze bags of our time. Honest abe lincoln, hes such a liar. A big, fat, ugly mess. God bless the United States. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Anderson cooper is here. But when we come back, marijuana stick around. applause wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena use pantene shampoo together with 3 minute miracle daily conditioner. 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Try degree ultraclear black white it wont let you down with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. band playing cheers and applause stephen yeah. Give it up for that band right there, joan batiste and stay human. Hey, everybody. How are you . Good to see you. So nice to see you again. Jon hoop, new year. Stephen folks, welcome. Thank you for joining us here tonight. I dont think anyone had a better new years eve than cnn reporter and woman hearing for the first time that her child bit someone, randi kaye cnn gave randi kaye a tough assignment covering how a bus full of stoners in colorado celebrate new years. Spoiler alert they do it by smoking weed. Randi, where are you . laughs we are in, uh, denver, colorado. Good evening to you guys, anderson and andy. We have the Party Started here. Theres a little bit of a purple haze. Um, we call this magic bus the cannabus, get it . Woah this is what im dealing with were at a dispensary called the medicine man. See, this is mike. I think i got a little high. Mike, im trying to remember where we are. Where am i . Stephen believe it or not, cnn. And she didnt stop there, because randi kaye grabbed a randi jay. Oh, my god. Randis dose is kicking in. This is for andy andy, this is for you stephen andy, andy, this is for you come on, itll get you so high youll think you can pass a joint through a tv camera andy no . How about you, Anderson Cooper . Want a little Anderson Cooper 420 . But the pot party wasnt just happening on the cnn, because as of yesterday, recreational pot is officially legal in california. cheers and applause thats right. That is right californians can finally try marijuana. I think you guys might like it. To all of our freshly baked california viewers, i just want to say, thanks for switching over from the Monterey Bay Aquarium livestream of jellyfish. I will do my best to move hypnotically. cheers and applause it was a big deal out there. At one california dispensary, 200 people waited in line before dawn for the 6 00 a. M. Start of sales. Weve come so far from people standing on street corners looking for drugs, to people standing on street corners waiting for drugs. laughter and i know one guy from california whos going to be particularly happy about this stoney von dankington, everybody. Say hi. Happy new year, everybody stephen stoney, stoney, youve got to be excited right . Oh, hell yeah january 1, 2018, will live forever as a special day in cali history. Stephen the day the day that weed was finally legal . Yeah, i guess, but i was talking about the states new salaryhistory inquiry ban. Now bosses cant ask what you made at your last job. And thats hella progressive legislation, dude. Stephen okay, but what about the lifting of the ban on Recreational Marijuana . Oh, yeah. I can tell you, californians are pretty stoked. I was just back home for new years, visiting some kind buds. Stephen you mean pot, right . Naw, stephen. Im talking bout my parents. Theyre some of the kindest people i know. And, honestly, parents are like your best buds for life. laughter stephen stoney, we talked about this earlier. Here to discuss your excitement about recreational pot. Right, sorry. Im just so high right now. Stephen stoney von dankington, everybody. Well be right back with Anderson Cooper. Please join us. When you filter out the bad. Youre left with. The good. In life. And in water. Choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita. Choose the filtered life. Making a target run after cli need vitamins. Inhale. Im out of yogurt i need protein powder. Ill drive. I need ice cream get low prices, today and every day. Target run done. 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Happy new year. Stephen happy new year to you. Did you have a new years resolution . A new years mine are so lame. Stephen thats what you said toand dee. I always resolve to work out more. Stephen that is lame. Ill tell you, i did an interview with the rock a couple months ago, when he walked in i said, oh, man, you let yourself go. And he was like, what . I said, im kidding, im kidding. Hes a lovely guy and he started asking me where i work out because he doesnt like his gym in new york. I said you might like my gym, its underground, no windows, the equipment is old and serious lifters, and me, and hes using my gym whenever he comes to new york so my gym cred has skyrocketed because people know i got the rock to come to the gym. Stephen you know im a fan of yours and im not taking anything away from Anderson Cooper when i say if the rock is there, isnt it really his gym . Thats true. Stephen i watched you and andy. I really enjoyed it. Thank you. Stephen the only criticism i would have is you cut away to anyone else. We want to see the two of you suffer in the cold. Yes. Well, i it was funny because in the runup, andy kept having these appointments to get warm jackets tailored. I said you dont need tailored coats. You need massive layers and parkas. I knew he was going to really die out there. On tuesday i called up the store called the warming store in philadelphia i found on the spirnt. applause . You work at the warming store. Stephen a sponsor. Right, the warming store i talked to. So i spent 2900 buying electric clothing. I didnt know that they had electrically heated clothing now. Stephen theres a battery pack . Theres a battery pack on your socks, on your vest, on long underwear, on your hats and your gloves. And they sold me the ferrari of warming gloves, they said. So confidence kind of amazing. Stephen so you werent wearing a coat. You were wearing an environment. I had coats over it, but every now and then you could press a button and your perks cs would get really hot. Stephen you know who can do that . The rock. Stephen the rock. He doesnt need the clothing. He just does that automatically. Stephen now, listen, are you still is this mine . Stephen sure, why not. Lets find out. Do you still have a contact high from randi kaye . You guys got a little teasing. First of all, its legal in colorado. She was just stephen no one said it wasnt. We are grown adults. And she did not smoke stephen secondhand. Whatever. She ended up at a paint party where i guess this pot bus ended up at a paint party where for whatever reason people riding around getting stoned all night want to end up paintin paintingn dayglo color s. Stephen look at you talking like you have no idea. I wouldnt know. I read about it. So they ended up at a paint party. Stephen sure, they burr ed the lead. I know. The whole thing surprised me as much as anyone else. I have to tell you. Stephen and now california its legal. I know. Stephen are you surprised it spread it spread so quickly . Not really. Think california, it makes sense. Its california. laughter . Stephen i dont know. I dont know that scene. Sure, yeah, yeah. Stephen i dont really know. If it was south carolina, i would be surprise gld i think it might be medicinal. It is. Stephen medicinal might be legal down there because i got some glaucoma coming on hard, on vacation, just for the christmas vacation. You had to work on new years eve. Were you allowed to go have fun . Yeah, i took, like, a couple of days off. And went to france for the holidays, my partner is french. applause and its weird, though, like, so we were out, like, in the french countryside in his house with his sister and all these kids and all these french people. And its weird when youre in france because they do this thing that nobody else does, and they dont know theyre doing it. They do this thing where they go with the whooo. And they have entire conversations like, i said, anyone seen star wars and the father went wooh. Stephen is there a b in there . How would you spell that . I dont know. So then i tried it just as a joke. I was like. And they all looked at me like, oh, my god. What are you doing . Thats so weird. They dont know theyre doing it. Its very strange. Stephen and what does it mean . And they all eat smelly cheese, like, the smellier the better. Its very strange. Stephen what does it mean . Its like meh . Did you Like Star Wars . Stephen by the way, you have seen the new star wars. I actually saw it last night. I walked out. I know, i know. Im sorry. Stephen you walked out. I had a lot going on. I have a lot of work to do stephen it wasnt a partly to mostly . It wasnt a protest. I had too much to do stephen you paid money . I went down to the theater on 23rd street. Stephen you paid money, walked in, and it it occurred to you in the middle of the movie, i dont have time for this. Yeah, yeah. Im not giving in the attention it deserves. Stephen which is really a compliment. Its like this deserve myself attention. Im not giving it my attention. Stephen its like with when youre making love to someone in the middle of it you g, you know what, im not giving it my all. I should come back. Lets put a pin in this. Lets table this for a moment. I did see i tonya. Stephen i did not see i tonya. But i am a huge jeff gilouly fan. Lets talk about actual news going out there. I have unplugged a little bit. Thats what i thought. Stephen i dont know what the hell is going on. You caught up on the tweets. Stephen well, its easy. Its shorthand. Its like the spark notes of democracy, just reading his tweets. Sad. Stephen sad. Iran, 2009, this also happened. Right, the green revolution. Stephen green revolution. It didnt anywhere, was crushed at the time. Right. Stephen is this different in any way . Right now, this hasnt taken the size of that. This started a couple of days ago outside of tehran. And it started more as a an economic protest. Rouhani promised reforms and a better economy. Its really high like doubledigit unemployment in iran, doubledigit inflation. And he hasnt followed through in the way many people would have liked. The the leader is khameini and people started protesting more over economics, and its started growing to tehran and people are talking about freedom and greater libertys. Theres a whole young population there that really wants , you know, they want more freedom, what they see on television and via satellite. Stephen one of the hallmarks of the green revolution going on in 2009 was the use of twitter. Right, yeah. Stephen thats all been shut down. Yeah. Most dictators will shut down twitter. Theyll shut down social media. Mubarak did it in the waning days of his regime. Y i dont know iran very well. I was only there once. I was a young reporter in like 93, 94, i was there with two producers for this thing called channel 1. And on my first day, my producer said, we should go to the park. And we did. We shot girls playing bat mitton, not offensive and we got arrested. I was in iran for three days and arrested for three of them. Stephen were you detained for three days . They would let us go back to the hotel at night. We were trapped there anyway. There was nowhere to go. They took our passports. When youre arrested in iran it is very scary. Theres no one to call, there is no embassy. And i was working for channel 1 at the time, and they didnt have much international reach. And every day i would sit in in a Police Station in front of a picture of the ayatollah khamenei, who is really the last person you want to be looking at when youre arrested and dont know what your future holds. It is not a very warming feeling. Stephen this is an election year, 2018. Theres a lot of excitement about what might happen in the midterms. As a journalist looking back at 2016, is there Something Different you think that the news media should do in 2018 because you all got a fair amount of criticism for your coverage of trump and look, theres so much information now. You know, people used to talk about a 24hour news cycle and thats theres not even its not 24 hours. It seems like its hourly. You know, the whole broadcast we planned i have a broadcast that starts at 8 00, were planning for it all day. A lot of times everything we worked on all day gets thrown out at five minutes to 8 00 and we do a completely different broadcast. I do think its fortunate just try to avoid always being distracted by, like latest thing, the shiniest obt and keep focused on chooshz are important. But, you know, its hard. Things are changing incredibly rapidly. Stephen well, good luck with that. I always enjoy your broadcast. I watch it every night. Thank you so much for being here. Anderson cooper 360 airs weeknights on cnn. And thats him. Well be right back with maz jobrani. Stick around you wont believe how much is new at red lobster. That is, until you taste our new menu. Discover more ways to enjoy seafood with new tasting plates small plates, with big flavor like yucatan shrimp covered in chililime butter and caramelized pineapple. And if you like hot, buttery maine lobster, get your hands on this petite red lobster roll. For new entrees, explore globallyinspired dishes like dragon shrimp with a spicy soyginger sauce. With so many new dishes and all the classics you crave, what are you waiting for . Come taste whats new at red lobster. Advil liquigels minis. Our first concentrated pill that rushes powerful relief. A small size. Thats fast, cause its liquid. Youll ask. What pain . Advil liquigels minis. 60 of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. 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Stephen a pleasure, a pleasure. Were fellow sentencians. Youre on superior donuts as well. How you doing over there . Im doing great over there. The show is going great. Were in the middle of season two. Stephen im not surprised. It was one of my favorite pastrybased sitcoms. Im iranianamerican, middle eastern american i have some people in the audience. I said as a middle eastern american im not used to lasting to season two. I get killed in season one. Most shows i do, i did 24 i died. Season two, im excited, man. Stephen thi this is unusuali havent asked a guest this before. Can i pet your sweater . Go ahead, pet. Stephen this is a thirsty cardigan. You have to be a man of a certain age to really rock a cardigan. That girl laughed at that. Are you saying im old . No, ill tell you, im 45. And i got so excited about this sweater, i realized think about it after 21, theres nothing to look forward to. 21, you drink, youre like wooo stephen thats milestone. They should make other things illegal so we can get excited about them. I mean, they are illegal, but to a certain age. 30, cocaine, wooo you know. I dont even do cocaine, but it would be like, yeah, cocaine. 40, heroin, 50 viagra i could use that. Stephen and card gans should be illegal until 45. Stephen, i ran into 22yearolds and theyre like, were going to vegas, bro. I said, bro, this is my vegas. Stephen thats a gateway cloth youre wearing. And it comes with a pocket to rest my 45yearold hands in there. Stephen maybe a little pipe. A pipe is next. Im telling you, bro, this isa nice cardigan. Stephen i immediately petted it. You did pet it, yes. Stephen i just had Anderson Cooper out here. Did you watch the interview . I saw the interview. Stephen do you have family in iran . I have cousins in iran, distant cousins and i have been watching what is going on as well and its crazy. I want to preface this with im not an expert on iran. Stephen you were born there, right jiefs born in iran but im not an expert. I last time i was here we talked about iranian new year, and a lot of iranians attacked me. You got it wrong, man i said im not a historian. Im just a comedian. First of all, i want to say i support protesters. Its crazy whats going on. applause there you go. Okay. You wait. You wait. On twitter, you misrepresented the protests its an interesting thing going on because a lot of people dont know whats happening. Its happening so fast, and its different from like what you said the 2009 protest. Stephen its hard to communicate because social media is shut down. One of the things is a debate should trump talk about it . Should he not talk about it . And i said he should talk to other people before he talks about it. You know what im saying . cheers and applause ill tell you why. I have three reasons yes im a little wary of trump talking about iran. Number one is i dont like him. cheers and applause thats just who i am. I know i number two is that he hasnt been a friend of the iranian people, as you know, the travel ban. He band iranians from coming to america. Iran has been a part travel ban. And number three is this is a very nuanced situation. And i dont know if you have noticed, but trump is not very nuanced. No, because what it is, its good to acknowledge and support protesters, but i think if he goes too aggressive with the support in the wrong way, then the islamic republic, the regime, which is a repressive regime will turn around saying this is america leading the protests and come down with an iron fist, which the Supreme Leader has already said there are external force heres that are legend these protests. So and by the way, when i saw that, i was like, dude, you should take responsibility once in a while for having an oppressive regime, economic inequality, all that stuff, and he reminded me a little bit of trump, who doesnt take responsibility for himself, either. applause . Stephen speak of the travel ban, speak of the travel ban, do you talk about that in your act. I know your special is called immigrant. Does it come up. The travel ban they had 1. 0, then 2. 0, and 3. 2 its like an iphone update, every three months they get a new one. I know you took note of it, in 1 and 2, the criticism was it was a muslim ban. So in an effort to show theyre not antimuslim the administration added three new countries to travel ban 3. 0. They add north korea, which i didnt know they were coming but now they really cant come. You have met a north korean. Stephen not yet. I dont think theyre coming anyway. But anyway, the second group that was added were venezuelan diplomats. So not the whole country, just 10 dudes from venezuela cant come. laughter and then they added chad which i thought was some guy. laughter i i heard it. I was like, what did chad do . laughter turns out chad, as you know, is another Muslim Country in africa. But chad does not sound like a Muslim Country. Chad sounds like a Muslim Country trying to pretend not to be a Muslim Country, right. Hi, we are chad. Thats mike, and thats chip. Just hangin out. Stephen well, happy new year. When is new when is iranian new year . Is it the same . The persian new year happens its first moment of spring is the persian new year. Its coming in march to a theater near you. Stephen come back for the next new years, too. I would love to, man. Thanks for having me. Stephen immigrant is on netflix, and you can see maz on superior donuts right here on cbs. Maz jobrani, everybody well be right back with a performance by margo price. Stick around your loose satellite dish. The literal deer in the headlights. 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Stephen here performing, a little pain from her album, all american made, please welcome margo price cheers and applause im so tired but i cant sleep too many obligations im trying to keep gotta please everybody except for myself but like levon said aint in it for my Health Everybody thinks its all work and no fun but a little pain never hurt anyone a little pain never hurt anyone when i come i home ive gotta leave my reality is only makebelieve someone said its one or the other but im breaking my back and working like a mother whos to say just how its done and a little pain never hurt anyone a little pain never hurt anyone a little pain never hurt anyone baby, slow down better hurry up quick i feel so good that its making me sick and i didnt mean to call your phone i said, i like you the best when im all alone its been real but i gotta run and a little pain never hurt anyone a little pain never hurt anyone a little pain never hurt anyone a little pain, a little pain never hurt anyone cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be america ferrera, david harbour, and musical guest, julien baker. Goodnight captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from mutual of omaha, give it up for your host, the one, the only, j c

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