Congratyoullations. Please shred this card so it cant be used for evidence n and, of course, today youre a woman. Goodbye. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, a whole lot of more. Plus stephen welcomes Saoirse Ronan van jones and Michelle Wolf featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, how are you . How are you . Hey, whats up . Welcome, thank you so much. Please have a seat, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. We are exactly one week one week from the possible election of Alabama Senate candidate and depressing sequel to toy story, roy moore. laughter you do not want him to play woody. laughter he has been accused just a character name has been accused by at least nine women of Sexual Misconduct while they were teenagers, but the president is standing by his man for a simple reason. We dont want to have a liberal democrat in alabama, believe me. We want strong borders. We want stopping crime. Stephen yes, we want stopping crime. laughter we just not want stopping Sexual Assault. laughter applause cheers moore thank you. Thank you. Theyre on your side, mr. President. Theyre on your side please come on the show. Moore is grateful for trumps support, tweeting, i look forward to fighting alongside the president to maga of course, thats the sound teenage girls make when they see roy moore at the mall, magah laughter now, moore has repeatedly denied the allegations. I do not know any of these women, did not date any of these women, have not engaged in any Sexual Misconduct with anyone. Stephen i do not even know what a woman looks like. laughter theyre the ones with the bumpy parts, right, with the niblets on the front . I have no idea how sex works. My parents found me under a cabbage leaf. So, see cheers yeah, yeah. Its time to come together as a nation so, strong denial right there. Unfortunately for moore, theres proof that he knows some of them. One woman was so frustrated with his repeated denials that, yesterday, she shared new evidence of a relationship with roy moore when she was 17 or as roy moore called her, a mature honey. laughter this woman found a note in her scrapbook signed by moore that says, happy graduation, debbie. I wanted to give you this card myself. I know that youll be a success in anything you do. Unless that thing is accusing me of writing you this card. And this woman says she knows that moore was 34 and she was 17 when they dated, because she saw photos of herself in the yearbook and thought thats the age i was when i dated roy moore, because my braces were off. laughter thats right no, thats right right, its very important roy moore would never date someone young enough to wear braces. Hes more of a retainer man. Leave the headgear on. Leave the headgear on. But the campaign is moving full steam ahead, and this morning, roy moore spokeswoman, janet porter, had an interesting defense of the candidate. Poppy, we need to make it clear that theres a group of nonaccusers that have not accused the judge of any Sexual Misconduct or anything illegal. Stephen yes, lets be fair. Lets be fair. Its just nine women. What about all the women who havent accused him of Sexual Assault . laughter i mean, everybody cheers and applause yeah, come on. Yes. Yes yes everyone remember, lets not make the same mistake. Everyone was so quick to call Jeffrey Dahmer a serial killer and cannibal, but we forget about all the people he didnt eat. Come on laughter and the madness, the madness of defending him does not stop there. Listen to moores chief strategist, dean young, explain with a camera rolling that even if moore did everything hes accused of, its not his fault. Dean, are you okay with, if he did this, that it was okay for a man in his 30s to be dating teenagers . What im okay with is judge moore made it perfectly clear, if he did date a teenager, he didnt know about it. So, i cant tell you how many times ive been on a date and didnt ask a girl how old she was especially after i asked her mama if i could date them. Stephen im from South Carolina and that is why our state motto is, hey, were not alabama. cheers and applause theres limits. What does he mean, roy moore didnt know about it when he dated teenagers . Heres a hint if you have to ask her mama if she can come out and play, shes too young. But not every republican is throwing their support behind moore. G. O. P. Senator jeff flake just tweeted out a photo of a check for 100 to roy moores opponent, doug jones, with a memo line that reads, country over party. Wow cheers and applause wow i cant believe that someone still uses checks laughter remind me not to get behind jeff flake at the grocery store. , of course, it hasnt been all defending pedophiles for donald trump. Hes also been assaulting mother nature. Yesterday, he signed an order slashing the size of bears ears and grand staircaseescalante National Monuments. Its reasonable that he doesnt cace about them. Theyre Just National monuments. Theyre not confederate monuments. Yes, give it up for the confederacy. Just tricked you into that. Heres trump making his big announcement. I will sign two president ial proclamations. These actions will modify the National Monuments designations of both bears ears and grand staircaseescalante. Stephen so hes opening millions of acres of protected land to strip mining. But on the bright side, escalante is the first time hes ever spoken spanish. laughter if you dont count taco bowl. Now this is and this is true. This is an unprecedented move. Trump cut these parks by two million acres, which is the largest rollback of federal Land Protection in the nations history or it will be until he turns the grand canyon into don jr. s ball pit. laughter now, the decision you know hes peeing in there. Now, the decision isnt popular with everyone. Several native american tribes are suing, in part because its estimated that bears ears alone holds more than 100,000 native american cultural and archaeological sites. You know, if trump goes ahead with this plan, im worried that native americans will stop trusting the federal government. laughter applause and the Outdoor Clothing company, patagonia, changed their home page to a black screen that just says, the president stole your land. cheers and applause thats strong. Thats bold. Jon thats a strong message. Stephen thats bold. That puts it out there. That is the most shocking political statement ive seen since the travelocity gnome declared, fight the power. Hey, oh, the olympics are coming up. Did you know that, the 2018 olympics are coming up. I am really excited because im off for those weeks because theyre not on this network. But theres big news. Remember back in 2014 at the sochi games, when russia was caught up in a huge doping scandal . Its all in that documentary rocky iv. laughter well, today, the International Olympic committee announced the punishment, and buckle your borscht, because russia is banned from participating in the 2018 winter olympics. cheers and applause i i i agree. Its time to do something. But that is shocking russia was punished for interfering with the results of something . Not only is russia banned, but the countrys government officials are forbidden to attend, its flag will not be displayed at the opening ceremony, and its anthem will not sound. Also, for the duration of the games, any russian dressing served in Olympic Village will be referred to as cheater sauce. laughter i could go for some. Like a hamburger with some cheater sauce on that. But the i. O. C. Wont bar all russians. Any athletes who can prove they never doped will be allowed to compete as individuals wearing a neutral uniform, but the official record books will forever show that russia won zero medals. Well, what happens if one of the nationless athletes wins gold . Do they just stand on the podium staring at nothing while we listen to two and a half minutes of whatevers on the radio laughter i hope so. Because id love to see a speed skater tear up to my sharona. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Saoirse Ronan is here. But when we return, stupid Paul Manafort tricks. Stick around. This just in from washington d. C. , the 21st amendment of the United States constitution has been repealed. Setting prohibition back into immediate effect. Sale, distribution, and possession of alcohol what, are you serious . Are banned. I just got a text from this as well. Sources confirm that agents are headed to bars, to the liquor stores, and will even proceed to enter american homes. Weve got to start this immediately, go ahead and pull the drinks off the bar. Is this real . Uh yeah, it is, unfortunately. Sir no, no, sir this concludes our special report. Im just trying to do my job. Well youre not doing a very good job. crowd chanting we want beer if everyone could just calm down. crowd chanting we want beer good evening again, america. I have some good news. Look. Hey its the bud man this buds for you. crowd chanting u. S. A, u. S. A. squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody we bring your family amazing value every day. T. J. Maxx. Marshalls. Homegoods. Family is the greatest gift. Giwhere this weekend fines jewelery is 6070 off plus take an extra 25 off give joy with a Brilliant Diamond bracelet a diamond ring. Or a sprakling diamond necklace and earring set give joy, get joy this weekend at kohls. But this guy is in a hurry. This van is going, uh, i was in a hurry this morning. Barely had time for breakfast. Growl. Grumpy jacks gonna crash your crave hey guys. Try my country scrambler plate, with jimmy dean sausage, homestyle potatoes and scrambled eggs mixed with bacon, ham and cheese. Careful out there, jack, i heard theres some crazy driver in a van. laughing its him im talking about him try my brunchfast country scrambler plate with jimmy dean sausage. Crave van band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Jon batiste and stay human right there. Give it up for the band jon. Jon hey whats happening . Stephen jon, you know what im excited about . Jon whats that. Stephen ive got this book right here. Ive got Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. And im excited about im not the only one, because its just come out that esquire magazine in their list of the top books of 2017 has declared that Stephen Colberts midnight confessions is one of the best books of this year cheers and applause yeah. Right there best. Book cheers and applause boom ive got to fan myself. Oh, my lord. Jon oh, in the glory land. Stephen i have to fan myself because im so excited but i cant actually cool down because the book is so damn hot right now. Go by buythis for your loved ones. Everyone is going to want this husbands, wives, grandchildren, grandparents, cousins, people you have never met, people on the street. Buy them. Hand them out like gideon bibles. This is christmas, this is hanukkah, this is kwanzaa, this is for next year years ramay this right now. Its one of the best books of 2017. Its not one of the best books of 2018. So if you buy it now, youre cool. If you buy it next year theyll be like, why are you buying that 2017 thing . Anyway, congratulations. Congratulations to everyone involved. applause you know, information, the investigation by f. B. I. Director Robert Mueller into the Trump Campaign conditions. There are still so many Unanswered Questions who will be indicted next . Whos secretly cooperating with the investigation . How many walnuts is mueller storing in his cheeks for winter . laughter well, this week, the mueller squad dropped a couple bombshells about former Trump Campaign manager and man flirting with his phone, Paul Manafort. Manaforts under house arrest right now, after being indicted for lying about millions in payments from foreign governments, dodging u. S. Taxes, and conspiracy against the United States. It is a damning list of serious charges that can only be described as former Trump Campaign manager. laughter with all of those charges against him, manafort really needs to lay low, especially since he is under specific court order to refrain from making statements to the media or in public settings. Paul manafort wants the court to relax the conditions of his house arrest, but, unfortunately for Paul Manafort, Paul Manafort is an idiot because we just learned that as late as last week, Paul Manafort and a colleague were ghostwriting an editorial about Paul Manaforts political work in ukraine. The plan was for mr. Manafort and his associate to ghostwrite the oped to appear under someone elses name. Something totally unrecognizable cliek pauline womanfort. Of course, of course, the main thing manafort needs to do is distance himself from any connections to russia. So, naturally, his collaborator was a longtime russian colleague, who is currently based in russia and has ties to a russian intelligence service. laughter manafort is so tied to russia, hes going to get banned from the olympics. laughter applause mamamy sharona this just makes me wonder if there are other articles manafort could have been ghostwriting. Because just today i dont know if you saw this i took a buzzfeed quiz which game of thrones character are you that thinks Paul Manafort is innocent . Well be right back with Saoirse Ronan, everybody hurry in to old navy get gifting with up to 60 off the entire store. Thats up to 60 off the entire store with styles from 6 dollars, at old navy. I remember the warmth and the wonder. Twinkling lights mixed with the scent of spruce. And now, my chance to relive it all. Magic. We have a fragrance for that. Glade limited edition fragrances. Im here to talk to you about how at t gives you more. And so am i. Like how when you buy the amazing new iphone 8 you get another one on us. See we give you more phones and more spokespeople. Are you guys doing a spokesperson thing right now . Yes. Awesome, can i be in it . Well, its kind of like a twophone deal. So two spokespeople. Got it. K. Thanks. At t its time for more. Its time for more. Buy the amazing iphone 8 at at t and get a second one to gift, on us. People spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. Advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. Gentle, nonhabit forming advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. Hey, need fast try cool mint zantac. It releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. Try cool mint zantac. No pill relieves heartburn faster. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my first guest from movies like atonement and brooklyn. She now stars in one of the best movies ive ever seen lady bird. Darlene, can you excuse us . Darlene, stay. Why arent you in algebra two. I switched sections. Why . Arent jenna and kyle enough . Im sorry that youre jealous. Jenna is a moron, you know. Shes not, shes in a. P. Calculus. How do you assign the role by the way. You just never showed up to claim it. What role . The tempest. There is no role of the tempest. Its a madeup thing so we all can cap participate. You cant do anything unless youre the center of attention, you can. Yeah, well you know your mom bleep are fake, totally fake. She made one bad decision at 19. Two bad decision please welcome Saoirse Ronan. applause were back stephen welcome back. Were back together again . We are. By popular demand. By popular demand. Stephen thanks so much for being here. Thanks so much for saying such lovely things about the film. Stephen i absolute this film was absolutely we had greta gerwig on, and i talked to her about this, but im absolutely devastated by this film. It is funny. It is beautiful. Its heartbreaking. Its hopeful. And and i think i could probably give away the entire plot im not gog but the entire plot of the movie and it wouldnt affect peoples experience because in some movies youre waiting for the explosion or the big event. Exactly. Its not overly dramatic at all. Stephen the big event of this movie is every moment in the movie. Peoples lives honestly told. Yeah, i keep describing it as sort of like a photo album, and every moment that greta has chosen to, like, show and spend time with is so considered and well thought out, and shes just shes done such a brilliant job. Like, thats her first film. Its her first film and, you know, its amazing to be a part of the whole stephen that almost makes me angry that its her first film. I gln its extraordinary. The paces she has. You would think a firsttime director would be a little nervous and rush moments. Also, i dont understand for firsttime directors as well, for some of them, theyre finding their feet and figuring out what kind of filmmaker they want to be. And i think because greta was involved in francis hahn, and things like, that shes found her style already even before she took to directing and stuff. Stephen and, also, this is in some ways her story. Yeah. Stephen you know, this is in essence. Stephen in essence her story. But not yours, okay. Youre not from sacramento, california. Im not. Im actually not. If you thought i was, you were wrong. laughter . Stephen doesnt sound like a Northern California accent. No. Stephen i dont necessarily want to go into the intricacies of your accent because we talked about it last time. We did. Stephen but an extraordinaryue have an american neutral accent, perfectly, even when you sing in this movie because you do, you odd dig in this movie and thats when the accent can come back. How did you how did you get your hook . Are there american phrases you worked on that really get you to it . Theres it is it is sort of a generic american accent in some ways, but, actually, the sacramento accent, i never realized before and i dont know if you stephen i have been to sacramento. I am aware of how boring it. Sacramento is a beautiful place. Stephen very beautiful but theres not a lot to do. But very pretty and we like it, and greta loves it, and thats the main thing. There are actually certain sounds she would pick up on, like the way i would with an irish accent, and she would really hone in on that. He would be like, no, no, you have to say it like this. And it became quite specific. I find with capitol hillian accents in general because theyre in the sun and super laid back, they dont my accent we probably talked about in the last time my accent is so sort of like errr and its out there and very melodic and sort of like, like me i feel like wit with the califon s. Stephen i never had a girl come up and say, like me. But the irish accent stephen theres i bounce to it. And i think with a californian accent its more laid back. I fount that difficult. Stephen your scenes with laurie metcalf, theyre actively, and if she does not win best supporting actress, she is not only fantastic but supporting the emotional Playing Field that youre on. Yeah. Stephen i mean tstarts off with the two of you like, sleeping in the same bed. Yeah. Stephen and then immediately in conflict. Yeah, and its what you were saying that moment to moment, every every piece in this movie and every scene or every shot that we see or every interaction, it is just like inviting us into this world more and more. So, like, one of the very first scenes between laurie and me self were in a car, and were listening to the grapes of wrath and weve gotten to the end of it and were crying and the next minute were arguing. And its stephen and the next minute you are throwing yourself out of the car while its moving. Yeah, yeah. Stephen yes. They dont get it yet because they havent seen it but its actually a really good seen scooep. Yeah, there are all these wonderful intricacies within the relationship. Stephen stephen im not the only whon likes it. If dethroned toy story 2 as the best movie ever on rotten tomatoes. Its 100 on rotten tomatoes. I didnt know we beat toy story 2. Stephen they had it coming. I feel a bit guilty about it. Stephen really . Yeah. We were talking about that backstage how toy story has stood the test of time. Stephen yeah, sure. So hopefully lady bird will as well. Stephen yeah, yeah. I think it will. Because, again, its just about how people relate to each other. Yeah. Stephen now, that collicism is a big part of this movie did we talk about it the last time we were here . I dont think we did. Stephen were you raised catholic . I was raised catholic, yes. And its a much more sort of cultural thing in ireland there are, obviously, very religious catholics as well. I went to a Catholic School and made confirmation and first communion stephen this movie you ate unconserated communion crackers. There is no way you would get away with that in ireland. Stephen its bread. Its against the rules. Stephen its definitely against the rules. God will be looking down on you judging you, Stephen Stephen that accent put a chill down my back just now. Youre like a character in a james joyce novel. Yeah. Stephen now the title i dont think im giving anything way here when i say the title comes from the characters name is christine. Christine, yeah. Stephen but she doesnt want to be called christine. She wants to be called lady bird. Saoirse, if youre not from ireland, its a bit of a confusing name. It is, and we talked about that before. Stephen did you ever go by another name . Did you give yourself a nickname as well . I never gave me self another name. When i was younger nobody was called saoirse, i had never met another saoirse, and so when i was a kid, i didnt want to be, you know, too different. So i thought, maybe ill ask people to call me sarah or hannah or something, you know, nice and simple like that. And but that never happened. And then later on, i remember a few years ago, i was in an airport, and i was being picked up by someone, and they have your, you know, the name on the boards and stuff. And i was scanning through, and i was like i cant find my name anywhere. Its always mispelled. They never get it right. I was looking for this massive typo. And i looked through, and then i, like, scanned again, and i saw a board that just said, shelly ronan. And i was like thats me. Shelly it is. Maybe i should be shelly, i dont know. Stephen why do you think a movie about a 17yearold, pinkhaired girl in a Catholic School in sacramento is resonating with so many people . Why do you think that i mean, im not a 17yearold girl from a Catholic School in sacramento. Oh,. Stephen sometimes i wish i was. laughter why do you think this is so this movie is coming off as s so. Gripping, even though, again, no quality kills. Because i think theyre not the things that define her in the same way that you can sort of categorize any human. And youre watching this person figure themselves out, and i mean, i dont even think its not its not a teenaged comedy. I dont even necessarily want to call it coming of age. Youre watching a human being just, almost, like, try these different characters on to see which one fits. And thats something weve all done and continue to do. And its been an incredible a very sort of, like, lifeaffirming experience to, like, know that you connect with just as much as a 15yearold girl whose gone to, say or a guy who went to n. Y. U. 10 years ago and he came from a small town, too. Because its human, you know. Its a gender lesson away. And i love that about the film so. Stephen so do i. Thank you so much for being here. cheers and applause lady bird is in theaters now. Shelly ronan, everybody. Well be right back with van jones. And ive got all this extra cash back. Yep. Thats your Cashback Match. Only discover will automatically match all the cash back new cardmembers earn at the end of their first year. You matched everything i earned this year . Yeah. Whoo more money more money its all very exciting. 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No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . Stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest is a former Obama White House advisor and cnn political contributor who has a few opinions on president trump. Please welcome van jones. applause stephen okay, so you nice to see you again. Yes. Stephen i interviewed you a long time ago in character over at the colbert report. How many years ago was that . Nine and a half years ago. My First National tv show was with you, nine and a half years ago. Stephen no way. Im honored. That was before barack obama became president of the United States. Whats that guy doing these days . Hes laughing at all of us. Stephen hes on david givens boat right now. Hes like, how do you like me now . You were all complaining. Stephen you are a contributor over at cnn. How is the Fake News Network doing . How fake is it . Do you guys get together and decide how youre going to fake the news every day. First of all, first of all, i wish this news was fake, because you cant make this stuff up. You cannot make this stuff up. cheers and applause so i wish it was fake. Stephen stephen are you guys cnn has decided for people out there, theres a Christmas Party at the white house, and the press gets invited. Theres a series of them, and the press gets invited to one of the White House Christmas parties. And cnn said, no, were not going this yearment. Its a nice party. Its a nice party. I think we wouldnt have made it back out alive. I think it would have been, like, the red wedding you know game of thrones. Stephen why is any News Organization willing to go to that party if theyve been called fake, theyve been called the enemy of america by the president. Anybody but fox news, the wall street journal, and the New York Post shouldnt go. Im sure they have good hors doeuvres but if i was a reporter, i wouldnt eat any of them. Stephen on a slightly serious note, why would you go to a white house youre not going to get access. You wont get news there. You are just there to go, isnt this fun to be with a guy who diso does not believe we have the right to ask him questions. That is my view and that is why cnn is not going. I think were in a situation where we have a president of the United States who just doesnt believe in the first amendment. He has like a peanut allergy to facts and ive never seen anything like this. Literally, if you just say things that are true, he gets mad. Stephen cnn should have a label before every show, processed in a factory that also processes information. applause just as a warning. Now, the russia investigation the russia investigation is escalating. Is it possible to downplay it anymore . Is it possible to say, this isnt going to go anywhere . Listen, i will tell you this. You had flynn pled guilty. I did criminal justice work in oakland for a very long time. Heres how i would say it when your main home boy turns snitch, a whole bunch of people are about to go to jail. Thats how that works. Thats just how that works. Stephen thats not just Wishful Thinking . You think thats reasonable. What are the odds makers, if youre in vegas and laying odds on somebody going to the gray bar hotel, what are you going to give me on that one . Zero, because a bunch of people are about to go to jail. Stephen you wont give me any odds on that. Youre a former obama adviser. Youre a liberal voice. Let me ask you this, how did the dems because youre a democrat. You believe in the Democratic Party how did the democratics screw is up so badly that a guy like trump would win . How did you personally do it, van jones . Youre the only democrat in this room right now. How did you do it no, no, no, theyre all independents. Help me help me stephen how did you do it . Look, i think i was one of the few people that was warning, beg, plead ieg grew up in tennessee. I knew he had a real shot. But the reality is that we didnt fight that hard to stop trump. I remember in 2008, people worked hard. 2012, people worked hard. We got in that obama bubble bath, man, and it just felt so good, you know. And stephen i never got invited to that party. laughter . It was it was amazing stephen i bet. And, you know, we stood up and were all wet and wrinkly and not ready to fight. And so when trump came on laughter . Stephen you can stop right there. Okay, so, youve got a new book here. Its called beyond the messy truth. The subtitle is here, how we came apart. How we come together. Thats a good message because one of the things that does worry me is what is on the other side of all this . Yes, were at the lowest confidence of our government of all time and more divide between now and any time since the civil war and the great depression. How do we come back together, van jones. Its a noble goal and, obviously, sacrifice will have to be made on both sides. What are those . A couple of things. I think there are some things were going to have to fight about. Were not going to abandon immigrants, were not going to attack muslims. There is some stuff we have to fight about and thats okay. In a democracy you dont have to. Beyond the battleground, theres actual Common Ground we dont talk about anymore. This addiction crisis is killing black information, white information, latinos. We should be together on that. The criminal Justice System is broken, i work with cut50. Org, to fix the Justice System. Thats Common Ground. Where we disagree, we should disagree strongly. But we dont have to disrespect and we dont have to disregard, and we dont have to hate each other just to vote against each other. That has to stop in america. That has to stop. Stephen thats a good message. The man is van jones. The book is beyond the messy truth. Its available now. Well be right back with Michelle Wolf, everybody. applause lets get the big guy in place. The ford year end sales event is here. I can guide you in. No, thanks , santa. I got this. Santa uh, it looks a little tight. Perfect fit. Santa needs an f150. Thats ford, americas best selling brand. Hurry in today for 0 financing for 72 months across the full line up of ford cars, trucks and suvs. For a limited time, get an additional 1,000 cash back on top of 0 financing for 72 months. Get these exclusive offers during the ford year end sales event. Get these exclusive offers that cough doesnt sound so good. Take mucinex dm. Ill text you in 4 hours when your cough returns. One pill lasts 12 hours, so. Looks like im good all night why take 4hour cough medicine . Just one mucinex lasts 12 hours. Lets end this. This is Google Home Mini. It makes shopping super easy. 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Stephen sure. And everyone i love was backstage. Stephen yes, i it was an Amazing Group of people. Michelle wolf was there. She was terrible stephen now, you worked at a couple of great shows. Late night with seth myers. Now youre at the daily show with trevor noah. I hear very good things. You also just released your first please say hi to both of those people, please. I will. Stephen you just released i have a big poster here your first hbo special. 2s called night of too many stars. You can explain to me whats going on in this poster here . Well, i wanted to its nice lady because im not a nice lady. And i wanted to look like i was, like, burning it all down. And this was the concept they came up with, which i loved. But as you can see, im throwing a lighter. And a lot of people took issue with that. A lot of real nerds on instagram and twitter were like, um, so are you throwing a second lighter . laughter stephen oh, because because if the explosion happened, then you threw the lighter to set off the thing yes, but thats not how i set the explosion i lit a fuse. Stephen oh, so why are you throwing away your lighter . Its evidence. Im not a smoker, so i was like, i dont need this. laughter get out of here. Stephen all right. applause now, you know, ive got this other card here with a tweet you just sent recently. Oh, yeah. Stephen and i think its got a strong message. Yeah, i think stephen its a strong message. Its about sort of the rash of revelations of sexual impropriety and sexual abuse. And this is a really important message, i think. Would you mind say it. Its written right on the back here. laughter applause cheers stephen how does that go . Do you have to say your penis . Or just penis three times. You say your penis or penis. Would say beetle juice. Penis wait, were getting really close to it being three times. laughter applause stephen im insulted by the implication. laughter . Theres a lot of men here. Stephen what . Oh, okay. Well, what is your like, what is your reaction to the these revelations about Sexual Harassment . Which, obviously, women know and talk about and men, to i a certain degree, with willfully ignorant. There is so much Sexual Harassment over the past couple of centurys. laughter just all these brand new allegations from the beginning of time. I think its actually in the bible. They were like, and on the third day god was like hey, sugar bleep . I just imagine every morning men, like, scroll through the news on their phone and theyre like, ahhhh. I live another day stephen its like checking the obits to see if youre dead. Yeah. Stephen well, do you have do you have any advice on, like, you know, how to properly approach a woman in a way that is not obviously not at work. Obviously notor dynamic . Im not referring to us, but an unequal power dynamic . What do you think a proper way to do this would be . Its so the thing thats so annoying about Sexual Harassment is that its so easy not to sexually harass. Like, men, youre being dumb. Like, women we will do almost anything you want. Were so easy to manipulate. Youre just taking the shortcut. You have to put in the work. You know. Dont just pull out your penis. You know, like, put in the work. Say something like, oh, my god, have you lost weight . laughter applause and before you know it, youre masturbating in front of us with our consent. Its like, yeah, sure you can do that. I feel so skinny. laughter applause then were both orgasming for different reason s. Stephen what we should not say to a man sother oh, my god, has your penis lost weight. Do you think do you think that the Entertainment Industry is improving in any way . Do you think like, in general or right now its improving in any way . Well, i mean, its nice to see that theyre get something female sioux heroes. We have wonder woman. Stephen great movie. Well, i think we should admit maybe were ready as a society to admit wonder woman is a terrible super hero. No, take a walk with me. I she sucks. Her power is theula so of truth. Thats a really bad power. And im also im pretty sure its sexist. The guy that created her is like if women could have any power, any power at all, theyd want the truth laughter . Stephen we get to be invisible and fly. Yeah. Its like, we want the truth. Which is crazy, because i wouldnt want the truth. If i could have any power it would be the power to make a man have my baby. You have my baby. You have my baby. You have my baby. You have my baby. Before you know it, weve got a bunch of little redheads running around here, and i didnt have to do anything. Truth truth is a bad power. Because villains arent bad because they lie. Villains tell you exactly what theyre going to do. Its one of the trademarks of a villain. Stephen right. Like the jokers like, i put a bomb in gotham. You have 90 minutes. Wonder woman shows up and shes like, i mean, he was honest, so. Its really all you can ask. Stephen well, thank you so much for being here. It was wonderful to see you again. Thank you for having me. Stephen Michelle Wolf nice lady is available on hbo. Well be right back. My name is jamir dixon and im a locate and Mark Fieldman for pg e. Most people in the community recognize the blue trucks as pg e. My truck is something new. Its an 811 truck. When you call 811, i come out to your house and i mark out our gas lines and our electric lines to make sure that you dont hit them when youre digging. 811 is a free service. Im passionate about it because every time i go on the street i think about my own kids. Theyre the reason that i want to protect our community and our environment, and if me driving a that truck means that somebody gets to go home safer, then ill drive it every day of the week. Together, were building a better california. Late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be ed helms, christopher jackson, and musical guest bleachers. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, matthew broderick, gina rodriguez, and christopher meloni. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show