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Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, coffee joe calls trump cuckoo. Plus stephen welcomes Carol Burnett and lewis black. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thank you, joseph. Hey, everybody hey, jon. Thats nice. Thats nice. Thank you very much. Audience Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you, everybody audience Stephen Stephen stephen cheers and applause thank you. Incredible. These people are incredible. Please, have a seat everybody. Thank you so much. Please. These people are amazing. This is the kind of crowd i would want two nights a week. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Jon thats right, thats right. Stephen double header. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is friday, and its been quite a week for the president. Calling senator Warren Pocahontas in front of navajo code talkers, denying that was his voice on the access hollywood tape, but weve all accepted that a little bit of crazy was part of the deal with a trump presidency. Kind of like how we accept theres a little bit of rat poop in hot dogs. Laugh its the flavor. This is delicious. It is true. Look it up. This week, just feels different somehow this week. And yesterday, whats the show, on the joe coffee morning, and the brew crew, coffee joe laid it all out. You have somebody inside the white house, somebody that the New York Daily News says is mentally unfit, people close to him say is mentally unfit, that people close to him during the campaign told me he had early stages of dementia. Stephen oh, so were doing this now . Its okay to say the d word . I thought we were all just supposed to smile and pretend he was being colorful, like uncle marty when he started wearing kleenex boxes as shoes. laughter , of course, its charming. Of course, java joe, herald of the dawn, knows its dicey to accuse the sittingp resident of going senile, so he went on. Now, listen, you can get mad at me if you want to. You can say its not okay to say but it is okay to say when are we supposed to say this . Stephen before he was elected wouldve been nice. laughter cheers and applause just just that would have been nice. Right . It would have been useful and joe joe starbucks isnt the only one pointing out trumps recent downturn. So is trumps biographer, a guy who spent a whole lot of time with trump about 30 years ago. He is decompensating, a psychiatric term. But what it means in simple terms is he is losing his grip on reality. He is more limited in his vocabulary. Stephen oh, i dont know. Its not that limited. It just went up to 280 characters. Laugh although, there are some troubling signs. Just listen to the president at his tax bill rally this week. These massive tax cuts will be rocket fuel. laughter little rocket man, rocket fuel for the american economy. applause he is a sick puppy. Stephen sir, stay on the taxes, then go to nuclear war dont go back and forth. It sounds like youre scatting tax cuts, rocket fuel, rocket man, manhole, holy cow, cowabunga, bungalow, how low can you go, deedily boopba doop a doop sick puppy bopbopbeepbeepbeepbop. One thing that has people concerned is that yesterday trump retweeted some disturbing racist videos. To give you a sense of just how awful these are, one of them is called muslim migrant beats up dutch boy on crutches, probably my least favorite Hans Christian anderson fairy tale. This videos were put out by the farright hate Group Britain first, so its concerning that trump would retweet the video, especially since theyre not accurate. In the touch boy on crutches, local media and police never identified the attackers as muslim. So basically these videos are someone committing an act of violence against someone else. This remind me, i want to show you this video of a muslim man visually attacking an innocent bystander. Stephen we have got to built that wall. Between us and who is it between . And trump retweeting this hate group hasnt gone over too well in britain. Take it from britain triement teresa may who said its really too coherent for our president to understand. Madam you need to translate that into trump speak on a tweet. Hashtag. Hashtag. , of course, Great Britain is our strongest ally, so naturally, donald trump took the high road and moved on to other matters of state. Im just kidding. He tweeted, dot theresa may, dont focus on me, focus on the destructive radical islamic terrorism that is taking place within the united kingdom. We are doing just fine dont believe him england, we need your help. Take us back well be good cheers and applause well even well drink tea. Well drink tea. applause oh, and there was also one problem with trumps response. He originally tweeted at the wrong teresa may. Hey, its happened before. Remember f. D. R. Accidentally bombed new jersey resident adolph hilter. Now, there is good man. The spelling hilter, hilter, is a good guy. Of course, there is some evidence that about two decades ago, trump was a lot more eloquent. In fact, theres a controversial quote that just came out from an interview in 2000 that trump did with maximum golf magazine, which is also the amount of golf trump plays as president. Apparently, while being maximum interviewed, trump pointed out a young socialite at maralago and told a reporter, there is nothing in the world like firstrate. And there it is. The grabby area. Now, to be fair, maybe trump wasnt referring to the female anatomy. Maybe he was referring to the popular british childrens movie character, first rate pussy. Who you might remember from first rate pussy cat about town, first rate pussy teatime shenanigans and, of course, first rate pussy meets fivestar trouser snake. cheers and applause so why really . applause big fans. They they they all read those books as children. Now, why are we just now hearing about this . Well, because, according to the interviewer, the editor in chief changed the quote to there is nothing in the world like firstrate talent. Wow, i gotta say, an editor who lacks the courage to run that quote is a real. Talent. laughter applause cheers but there were also less sexy scandals this week, like the one at the Consumer Financial protection bureau. The c. F. P. B. Was designed to regulate the reckless behavior that lead to the stock market collapse of 2008. But people on wall street and republicans hate the c. F. P. B. , including director of the office of management and budget and losing his harry potter, mick mulvaney. It is to me, sir, one of the most offensive concepts i think in a representative government, which is an almost completely unaccountable government bureaucracy, government regulatory agency. It turns up being a joke, which is what the c. F. P. B. Really has been in a sick, sad kind of way. And guess who trump appointed to take over the c. F. P. B. Its mick mulvaney. Despite what he said in the past he takes his new job seriously. This agency will stay open. Rumors that i am going to set the place on fire or blow it up or lock the doors are completely false. Stephen no one said anything about fire or explosions. Laugh uh, thank you for hiring me. I take this position seriously. Rumors that im going to embezzle a billion dollars, then create a distraction by setting off the sprinklers while i escape to the airport are completely false. Quick question which way is the airport . cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Carol burnett is here but first, when we come back, i share my darkest confessions. Stick around. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin this is Google Home Mini. It makes shopping super easy. Like when you finally get home from the store but forgot that one thing. sigh just say, hey google, buy dog food. It knows that was a disaster and this ones your fave. And while youre doing that, it can do this. Google home mini okay, ordered coffee. And when you dont want to share everything with your family. sneezing yelling Google Home Mini reordering gummy vitamins. And you even get free delivery from here, here, here, and lots of other places with google express. Its Google Home Mini. Now only 29. lines . An develop fine lines what lines . The chapstick total hydration collection. Our advanced skin care formulas instantly smooth and transform your lips. 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Thank you for being here, michael and thank you for being at thanksgiving dinner. Nice having me. Stephen it sure was. It sure was. Stephen folks, were about to do confessions, which reminds me you should buy my new book Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. Its an actual book. It has pages and everything. Its everything you love about midnight confessions, combined with everything i love about selling books. Heres an example, sometimes i look at a shampoo bottle and think, shouldnt they have tested this on animals first . Otherwise, arent they testing it on me . laughter lots of wisdom like that. Now we do confessions here because even though i am a roman catholic, i dont make it to church that often because i believe faith say private matter. And what i miss most is confession. So if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause stephen standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ril ill be right back. organ music forgive me, audience, i never took my halloween decorations down, so for christmas, im just adding beards and hats to my skeletons and telling the kids that santa lost weight. laughter this year, this year, audience, im recycling old cards, but im crossing out, sorry for your loss. laughter this year im doing all of my shopping online. Thats why i ask people for their size, and their favorite color of porn. laughter sometimes, sometimes i read the side effects on my medications to the tune of we didnt start the fire. laughter blurred vision, weight gain, diarrhea, stomach pain we didnt start the fire laughter i never wipe down the machines at the gym after im done eating ribs on them. laughter sometimes, sometimes when i play the video game call of duty, i pretend to have bone spurs and go into real estate with my father. laughter applause cheers my doctor said i needed more roughage, so i stopped chewing my oreos before i swallow them. laughter i have seasonal affective disorder, so to fight the depression, i got a special lamp so i can see my special bottle of bourbon. laughter applause cheers when someone says, everything happens for a reason, i push them down the stairs and say, do you know why i did that . laughter applause sometimes ill tell people i got to drop the kids off at the pool. By kids, i mean poop. 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My first guest is a legend whose vairt series is celebrating its 50th anniversary. Please welcome the one, the only, Carol Burnett. applause cheers and applause hi, jon stephen its so nice to see you again. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for having me back. Stephen now, kiddo if i can call you that. Oh, sure, yeah, please. Stephen no, kiddo, youre a legend now. Everybody loves you. People leap to their feet when you walk into the theater, but is this true your first job in new york you were a hat check girl . Yes, i was. Stephen where. At a ladies tea room. Stephen okay. Thats how bright i was women dont check their hats. laughter . Stephen no one checks their hat anymore. They dont wear them. Stephen no one wares a hat. Was that the long green there . It was called susan palmers tea room, but they had an oyster bar downstairs that the men would go to. So in order to get a tip, i would grab the men as they were going downstairs and say, check your coat, sir . So theyd give me their coat. And then i would take a scissors now you know the little thing in the back. Stephen the hang tab, yeah. I cut that off. And then i would resew it with a differentcolor thread. So when they would come back up and ask for their coat, i would say, this was broken, but i fixed it for you. laughter and then applause then instead of getting a quarter, theyd give me an extra dime. Id get 35 cents for that. Stephen wow yeah, i was a con artist. laughter . Stephen youre a grifter. That i was. Stephen and a dancer, because what . Stephen have you seen this photo. Oh, my stephen we dug up here. Is you are no stranger to this theater. No. Stephen we talked about this last time you were here, but i hadnt seen any of the photos. You work on the old gary moore show shot at the same time as the ed sullivan show. On this stage. Stephen in the 50s . 59, 60, and 61. Stephen you you are with gary moore around 1560. Nice gams, by the way. And the guest book. Now, at the same time you were, like, making your break on broadway in once upon a mattress. I doubled. Stephen you were doing this. That was your day job. That was my day job and i did once upon a mattress eight times a week on broadway. Stephen how did you do that . That must have absolutely wiped you out. I was young, i was very young, and i was very hungry. So i had both jobs. But i never had a day off. And so, in once upon a mattress its the story of the princess and the pea, so the princess is supposed to, towards the end of the show, get on top of 20 mattresses and not be able to sleep. So thats the whole bit. laughter one matinee, i fell asleep. laughter in front of the audience i put people to sleep, but i fell asleep. Stephen well, thats not easy to do, to fall asleep on stage. Exactly. I was exhausted. So all i remember is the stage manager going, Carol Carol Carol wake up and i jumped up like this. Its a wonder i didnt fall off the mattress. Stephen three or four years on gary moore . Yes. Stephen one of those two. How long after that did you start the Carol Burnett show. I started the burnett show in 67 so that took a while. Stephen how did that come about . Gary moore was also for cbs, right . Yes. Stephen and did they say, you. You get a variety show . I signed a contract with cbs for 10 years, and they said within the first five years eye dont know. I had a really good agent if within the first five years if i wanted to do a variety comedy variety show, all i would have to do is push the button, and cbs would have to put it on 30, onehour shows, whether they wanted to or not. Stephen that is a good agent. That was a good agent. laughter stephen wow and i thought, ill never want to do that. Well, towards the end of the fifth year, the last week of the fifth year, i decided i was going to push that button. laughter and i did. And i called one of the Vice President s back here i was in california it was between christmas and new years. And i got the Vice President of cbs on the phone, and sayid, hi. He said, carol, merry christmas. Hows it going . I said, great. You know, mike, i want to push that button. He said, what button . I said, you know, where five years ago you said they could do he totally forgot. He didnt know, didnt remember. And he said, well, great, ill call you back. So im sure he got a lot of lawyers out of the Christmas Parties that night, you know. Called me back the next day, and he said, yeah, well, i see that, but, you know, carol, comedy variety television, its a mans game. Stephen wow. And he said, its not for you gals. Its really its dean martin. Its milton berle. Sid caesar, you know, jackie gleason. He said, weve got this great sitcom wed love you to do called heres agnes. laughter stephen i hear very good things about that one. I should have i should have taken that. Stephen it got away from you. I said, no, i dont want to be agnes every week. So they had to put us on the air. Stephen wow. cheers and applause how did that work out . How did that work out . I still kind of wonder if i should have done agnes. I dont know. Stephen i dont. Because the you know, youre the greatest variety comedian of all time. applause cheers and applause its the greatest variety show ever made. Look at the characters. Look at all these characters. This is just a hand full of the characters you inhabited on the show. You know was there was there anything of of all the things did you over the years, was there anything at cbs which is a fairly conservative organization anything they said, no, you cant do that. You cant do that sketch. Or cant do that line, or Something Like that. In 11 years the network only talked to me about one thing, censors, right. Stephen sure, sure, standards and practices. Standards and practices. We were doing a sketch where i was a nudist laughter no, no, not like that. Theres enough violence in the world wiewt wout me flashing. But anyway, i was standing behind a fence. Stephen very tasteful. And a sign said, keep out. My shoulders were bare, and bare legs with hightop sneakers on. And Harvey Korman was interviewing me voiceover. And it was just a bunch of jokes about a nudist colony. He said one of the jokes was, he said, so what do you nudist do for recreation . And my line was, well, we have dances every saturday night. Well, how do you nudists dance . And my line was, very carefully. laughter well, for some reason, they thought that was risque. laughter . Stephen that was too dirt gee it was too dirty. They said, you have to come up with another line. This is what they bought. So what do you nudist do for recreation . We have dances every saturday night. How do you newsists dance . Cheek to cheek. laughter applause stephen not bad. That was better stephen not bad. Okay, so, youve got the book that you have written about the 11 years doing the the Carol Burnett show. Which is out in paperback right now. And there is a special coming out on december third. Stephen december third. Sunday. Stephen i am in it. Yes, you are applause stephen but i want to go back in a time machine and talk to my younger self and say, hang in there. Youre eventually going to do scenes with this person. Not only scenes, singing. Stephen a little bit of singing. You have a great set of pipes. Stephen thank you for saying the thing i asked you to. laughter we have to take a little break here. But dont go away, well be right back with more Carol Burnett, everybody. applause what i gots full stock of thoughts and dreams that scatter you pull them all together and how, i cant explain oh yeah, well well well youuuu you make my dreams come true well, well, well youuuu topped steak twisted potatoes at applebees. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Hey yeah . I switched to geico and got more more savings on Car Insurance . They helped with homeowners, too ok plus motorcycle, boat and rv insurance geicos got you covered like a blanket houston . You seeing this . Geico. Expect great savings and a whole lot more. Theseare heading back home. Y oil geico. Thanks to dawn, rescue workers only trust dawn, because its tough on grease yet gentle. I am home, i am home, i am home i need you baby you can make my heart go round you ohh camera shutter clicks you can make my heart go round ahhhh whoooo ohh, ohhohhohhohh baby were here with our friend Carol Burnett. Now carol. Yes. Stephen i heard so many times the story of why you tugged your ear but i cant remember i heard two different things. One it was for your grandmother and one for your children. What was the purpose of pulling on your ear . My grandmother when i got my first job in television here in new york i called her collect in california and i said, nanny, im going to be on tv saturday. And she said, say hello to me. And i said, i dont, theyre going to let me say hepo nanni. And we worked this out and meant, hello, nanny, im fine. And i kept doing it and later when i got more successful. It was high, nanny. I love you. Im fine. Your checks on the way. laughter . Stephen any performers say they copied that to signal their family or anything like that . I dont know. Stephen because i did. I used to do this to my mom, give her one of these. Do that to say hi at the end of the show. Did your nose grew . Because my ear grew. Stephen it got longer . A millimeter or two longer. Stephen one of the things youre most famous for is, of course, your tarzan yell. Okay. Now, are you guys familiar with carols tarzan yell . applause when did you discover you could do that . I was about nine, nine or 10 years old. I had a beautiful cousin who we were the same age. And we would go to the movies, and we would like nelson eddie and jeanette mcdonald. And wed come home and act them out. She was always jeanette and i was nelson, because she was the really pretty one. And so laughter we would do tarzan and jane. So guess who was tarzan . Me. Stephen at least you werent a cheetah. Oooooo so i taught myself the yell when i was about nine or 10 years old. Stephen did it ever come in handy off stage when people were searching for you in the woods or Something Like that . Is there a practical purpose to it . Well, one time, i was here in new york, and i was i was doing a special, and i had to run across the street to berg bergdorph goodmans to get some stocking. They opened at 10 00 and i was there early in the lingerie department. And a lovely lady said, mis burnett, may i help you . I said, i need some stockings. And she said, yes. And she asked if i would sign five or six autograph for her grandchildren, and i did. And i went to pay for the stockings and i said i didnt have the write credit card. I said, can i write you a check . And she said, ill need some identification. laughter and i said, but, you know, she said, i know, but we have to get your license number and all of that. I said, please, cant i . She said, let me ask miss carlton across the way. She was a floor manager. If shell okay your check. She goes across the way, theyre whispering. Miss carlton will okay your check if you do the tarzan yell. And im in bergborph goodman and i said okay, ill do it. And it was a doozy. It was a good one. And behind the lady, there was an exit door, burst open, and there was a Security Guard way gun. laughter so i only do it under controlled circumstances. Stephen i hesitate to ask, but do you still do the tarzan yell . I think i can. Stephen would you be so would you cheers and applause be so kind . I know. All right. Stephen tell the guards. Tell the guards this is about to happen. Okay, ill try. Aaaaahaaaaahaaaahaaaaaah cheers and applause stephen oh, i love that. Thats my favorite. Now, as somebody i host a type of variety show, a talk show is a type of variety show. One of the things, when i took over this job, one of the things i asked dave because he i came in and he talked to me about an hour and a half about the space spaceand about doing a show like this. I said, i have a weird question, where do you hide from your producers when they need you to do something and you dont really want to do it . When you want to get away and just think. And he gave me a couple of places that i havent told anyone who works here yet because i want to hide i want to hide. Where would you hide youre under a lot of pressure, a star with a show with your name on it, people always want to ask you things. The only time i kind of hid out was just before on wednesdays when we would do a runthrough for the crew and, you know, everybody coming in after wed rehearsed fair couple of days. Stephen what day would you actually shoot . Wed shoot on friday. But wed have a runthrough on wednesday afternoon. So about 15 minutes before the runthrough, i would go across the hall from the rehearsal hall to the ladies room and i would go into one of the stalls and i would sit down on the toilet seat. And i would go through the show in my mind, you know, because i could be alone there. And this one one day, i was going to do a character i had never done before called stella toddler, it was this old, old lady. And i had done old ladies before and i had always done this kind of voice. And i thought i have to come up with a different voice. So im sitting on the toilet seat and im going, well, you know, i think maybe this would be good. Yeah, i think thats the way i should do it because down lower. Well, i think this is really good. Its oh, im feeling good about this. laughter i open the door, and there were two women standing laughter im feeling really good about this. Stephen well, carol its so lovely to see you again. 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Why do you go, first of all . I go because about 15 years ago, a friend of mine and i were having dinner at his mothers house, and we realized his mother couldnt cook a turkey. And it wasnt it was tasteless. And it was why were we doing this . And my mother, i had already discovered years before that, would cook a turkey and it would taste as if it had a muscular problem. So it was, lets just get out of here. Stephen so you leave the country. We leave the country and go to, you know, this year portugal. Stephen what did you have for thanksgiving, lewis . Pork. Always good for a jew to dig into a little pork. Stephen portuguese pork. Grilled octopus or Something Like that . I had some octopus there. What i really like about going away, and especially now. Stephen oh, yeah. You know, because its theres nothing beats going to a country you dont really understand their language. Stephen yeah. So youre sitting in a beautiful cafe. And nobody around you. You dont understand anything anyone is saying. And its no greater its serene, because that moment in time, there are no bleep anywhere. laughter . Stephen you have no way of knowing. Yeah. Stephen speaking of which, lets talk a little politics for a second. Are you ready to do this . Have you looked at the republicans tax bill at all . Has yeah. Stephen what do what do you think of it . I think it helps us. You and me. Stephen yeah, because weve got cash. Yeah. Stephen yeah. Sothat means somethings got to be wrong with it. Heres why. We dont need help. A lot of people need help. Not us. So cheers and applause stephen the trickle down. Oh, yeah. That trickle stephen trickle down. But this is this is this is more trickle down. You just fill up the top bucket and it trickles down. You want to test that trickledown theory. Drink about 20 beers, then pee your pants, okay . Then put a cup down here. Stephen yes and stand and see how long it takes for that pee to fill up that cup. laughter cheers and applause stephen challenge accepted. Challenge accepted. Well do it next week. Stephen now, there are a lot of sexual allegations arising in many different industries. Youre one of the elder statesmen of outrage. What is what is your level of outrage about whats going on now, what were finding out now . Im just kind of stunned that my generation, which should have known better because thats the beginning of the sense of the the first real kick about, you know, womens liberation. You know, all of this stuff that should have been dealt with years ago, you know. My generation kind of knew that and was talking about it and discussing it. And in the meantime it wasnt dealt with. Women didnt get equal pay. Women didnt get you know, they didnt get bleep . So as a result it all got put on a back burner, all of it. It all got thrown in the back, you know, got thrown on the back burner. And then eventually the stove exploded. And thats what weve got now. The stove has exploded. Stephen its a grease fire. applause dont throw water on it. Yeah. You know, i mean, you i mean, the thing they dont get is, you know, i had a tv show for about eight minutes. laughter and we did, like, two short seasons. I dont know where you get the energy. Stephen you know, i find that amazing, too. Isnt that unbelievable stephen that is the greatest thing to keep you on the straight and narrow is to work hard enough. The people who are having sexual, you know, misconduct in an office, im like, you should fire them just for not being busy enough. Where do you find the time to do that, to be a bleep . I dont know. The exhaustion they felt just when Comedy Central would give me notes, like at 10 00 in the morning, about what we did the day before and what the show was going to be. So by 10 15, i didnt have the energy to have sex. By the time theyre done stephen because normally 10 15 is the time perfect time to have sex, 10 15. Well, you know, these guys were having it any how do you all i cared about is when can i get my drink . That was all i cared about. When is the day over and i can, you know, knock something back. laughter . Stephen i wish i had something for you right here. Yeah. Yeah, well, what can i tell you . I dont get it. I mean who the hellue can make eye mean the other thing is the whole thing about masturbating in front of people. I mean, how i dont even have the courage to ask for dates sometimes. Stephen i go to Great Lengths so women will never see nakedness. I know you know stephen theres no pride here laughter id be wearing an overcoat if they would allow me right now. laughter im a 53yearold man this is why this is what i tell my wife, when these things come up with matt lauer, i go, this is why im not fit. If i were fit, this is what would be going on. This is what happens when a man is in his 50s and has a six pag, you know something bleep is wrong. His new tour is the jokes on us. The album is black to the hi, were alaska airlines. And our california game is stepping up. With our low fares, your san jose startup wont have to pony up for a quick flight to an la meetup. And you might even get an upgrade on your next trip to palm springs. Over 90 daily nonstops. From san diego on up. Alaska airlines. Thats how we fly. And now, step up to alaska premium class, with upgrades starting at just 15. Late show. Join me next week when ill be joined by sarah paulson, mark hamill, and a performance by bleachers. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by cbs are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from houston, give

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