Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trumps french faux pas. Plus stephen welcomes john mulaney. With a special appearance by jason segel. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen there is nothing like there is nothing like a friday crowd, man. There is nothing like it in the world. cheers and applause theyre lit. Theyre electric. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its been a heck of a week. Its been an interesting five days. This week saw the oneyear anniversary of Donald Trumps election. Audience booo stephen give him a chance. And were still learning new reasons we shouldnt have done it. laughter for instance, we just learned was it today or yesterday . Yesterday. We just learned of this strange phone call that donald trump made the day after the 2016 election to thenfrench president and ripe brie with glasses, francois hollande. Trump called to introduce himself to hollande, and the first thing he said was, mr. President , i am delighted to talk to you. You are a great president , a great leader, a great man. It is such an honor. Those are compliments trump usually reserves for the mirror. Youre a great president. laughter dad was wrong. People like you. Thats your real hair. Jobs, jobs, jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs. And hollande was especially confused, because during the campaign, trumps comments about france were mostly talking le smack. A friend of mine, he said he was going to france, like, three, four months ago. I saw him yesterday. I said, howd you like france . He said, i wouldnt go to france. I wouldnt go to france, because france is no longer france. Stephen thats funny. Thats what people say about the United States now. cheers and applause applause trumps next comments on his phone call with hollande showed his deep knowledge of french culture. I love france. I love french people. I love your country. I love paris. I love your wine. I love before hollande cut him off. Hold on, let me keep going. I love your wine. I love your fries. I love your toast. I love your kissing. Its the best. Hollande tried to steer the conversation to important topics like terrorism, the wars, and the climate, to which trump responded, everything you want, before letting out a long yeaaaahhhh. laughter so, for anyone who was still wondering if trump really takes his phone into the bathroom. There you go. laughter applause yeeah oh, yeeah. applause but that wasnt even but that wasnt even the weird part of the call. The weird part of the wall. You you know my country. You know many great americans. So let me ask you a question could you help me with the recruiting of my new staff . I need recommendations. What . What . Hollande cant tell you who to hire. Thats putins job. laughter cheers and applause vad wouldnt care. Hed be cool with it. A little bit. Although, advice from the french president would explain trumps first choice for secretary of transportation, baguette smoking a cigarette. Back on the home front, theres some controversy surrounding at ts proposed take over of time warner. Dont turn off your tv. Theres some trump in this. You see, time warner owns the president s longtime nemesis cnn. Trump even even threatened to stop the at t merger last year during his campaign. At t is buying time warner, and, thus, cnn, a deal we will not approve in my administration because its too much concentration of power in the hands of too few. Stephen now, if youll excuse me, i have to go tell my soninlaw to fire bob mueller. laughter and this could be a lot of jared fans here tonight. A lot of jared fans. Thats nice. Hes a good kid quality kid. And this could be his First Campaign promise to actually come true, because yesterday we learned that Trumps Justice Department told at t that for the time warner merger to go through, the company has to sell cnn, a troubling allegation that would surely make jake tapper make his patented jake tapper is disappointed in you face. laughter but there could be one bright spot in the story, because if at t does have to sell cnn, there is a chance my network, cbs, might buy it. Because recently, cbs chairman and man im not going to make a joke about, les moonves, said cnn is a very worthy news organization. Its something that could enhance cbs. Think about it the cbs lineup could be filled with fun cnn spinoffs. I cant wait for shows like young blitzer, and, two broke don lemons. Continuing id watch that. Id watch that show. Continuing in the world of media, you might have heard from your Facebook News feed that facebook is back in the news. Theyre battling whats known as revenge porn. Thats when someone like an exboyfriend posts naked pictures of a woman online to shame and humiliate her. Its despicable, and it gives a bad name to all the familyfriendly porn out there. laughter well, facebook has a simple solution. Theyve Just Announced that in an effort to combat revenge porn, theyre asking users to send the company their nude photos. Now, before you dash off to do that laughter heres how it works users would send a message containing their nude images, which facebook will then make a fingerprint of, and stop others from uploading similar or identical pictures. Thats just fighting fire with fire, okay. Just like if you think an arsonist is going to burn down your house, you torch it yourself, naked, then take send the photos to facebook. Because theyre fine with it. applause after all, we know the nudes are just going to be automatically processed by some mindless algorithm, right after facebook workers review full, uncensored versions of nude images first to determine if malicious posts by other users qualify as revenge porn. But it is a professional team headed by their chief of internet privacy, alan. laughter hell work as late as you want him to. You know who doesnt Like Technology . Pope francis. This week he told all his fellow catholics to put down your phones in church, telling the crowd in st. Peters square, it makes me very sad when i celebrate here in the piazza or in the basilica and see so many cell phones held up. You know what, i can understand the pope feeling like that, but i wonder how god feels about this issue . Whats that, steve . Stephen hey, its god, everybody thats right, jehovah in the jehousevah. Stephen god, we were just wondering how you feel about people using cell phones in church. laughter god . Oh, sorry, stephen, didnt catch that. A friend of mine just sent me a video of a cat stuck in a toilet. Haha, he doesnt like the water. laughter stephen well, im sure thats hilarious, god, but dont you think cell phones are distracting people in church . Come on, steve, even i know church can be kind of boring. Its hard enough gettin butts in the seats. As long as people show up, let em stream a Little Stranger things. Oooh, Reese Witherspoon just followed me on twitter. Maybe now ill get verified twitters kind of over, though. I mean, come on, 280 characters . What is this, leviticus . laughter stephen well, god, you really know your stuff. Yeah, im really up on the apps. Havent had much luck on tinder, though. One woman said my profile pic looked like kenny rogers. Better take another one. Duck face laughter oooh, sexy. Im glad i created ducks. Stephen so, god, is social media the best way to reach you these days . Well, my prayer inbox is full, but you can slide into my d. M. s anytime. Stephen thats good to know. Whatever you do, though, dont send me a linkedin request or youre goin straight to hell. Stephen god, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. John mulaney is here. But when we return, a bad movie with all the biggest stars. For real. cheers and applause can you fit in there . I got this. Thats the new man, huh . Yup. Getting kinda close to my ride. Wow. Now, thats how you make a first impression. Theyre going to love you. Thats ford, americas bestselling brand. Hurry in today for 0 financing for 72 months across the full line of ford cars, trucks and suvs and Just Announced. Get 0 apr for 72 months plus 1000 cash back take advantage of these exclusive holiday offers during the ford year end sales event. Can your phone get loud . Hello moto. Why stay trapped in your ear buds when you can turn it up with alexa . Alexa, blast my music. alexa playing your music. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Smart speaker with amazon alexa available now on the moto z2. with imagination, yeah, yeah, yeah with imagination sc johnson. Why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. Nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. And all day all night protection. When it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. Made with 100 ribeye beef, fresh spring mix and provalone cheese on a potato bun. R im inviting the whole industry to try it. Of course ill protect their identities. Like this. Try my first ever ribeye burgers. Introducing fast foods first made with 100 ribeye beef, fresh spring mix and provolone cheese on an artisan potato bun. Yep, nailed it come try my new ribeye burgers. Only at jack in the box. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody jon basteeft and stay human stephen you know what this is. I dont have to tell you. I dont have to tell you what this is. It is friday night here in america. At the late show. That means we are just one show away of sitting down with joe biden on monday, and elton john, who is going to do two songs, right . Unbelievable. Second song, second song and i havent verified this but im going to try to get joe biden to do hold me closer tiny dancer with elton jon. Jon wow, this would be nice. Stephen wouldnt that be amazing. Incredible. I think he has to do it now because i announced it. Jon its official, its official. Anyway, information, this is no secret, i love movies. And one of the biggest movies this week is bad moms christmas. Its great when a sequel can transcend the original and add a holiday, like godfather 2 happy fredoween but bad moms christmas is a perfect example of the latest cinematic trend so many movies that come out are bad not bad in the sense that they dont make sense or are about transformers, no. They literally have bad in the title. There was bad santa, bad grandpa, bad teacher, to say nothing of bad lieutenant, bad words, bad santa 2, bad grandmas, and, of course, the original, bad moms. And ill tell you right now, if i see this new movie and one of those bad moms doesnt sleep with that bad santa, what are we even doing here . laughter and thats not even getting into all the bad synonyms like horrible bosses and dirty grandpa who, by the way, is totally different from bad grandpa. Its like a tortoiseturtle and a tortoise very technical. Well, i assumed this trend had completely run its course until i saw this new trailer. Check it out. Im sorry, been a long night, if you know what i mean. I think so . But, hey, thats me. I love drugs and sex, and saying cuss words, and i dont play by anybodys rules. Can we talk about why im here . Oh, heck, yeah. Time to do some bleep cardiologist. I cant make it to surgery because im having sex with models. Your left and my right . Okay. Sorry. Im currently very drunk. And if that movie turns a profit and it will then get ready. Heres your chi latte. I ordered a soy machiato. Im sorry, let me fix that for you, your highness, i must have misheard you because of your fat, stupid face no, i didnt get your name wrong. Your names. Gerb now. Deal with it, gerb wait, we thought of more jobs people can do badly like Jessica Williams as terribly notary. Honestly, i dont know what my job is, either. Ill stamp anything. And t. G. I. Movies make a lot of money. When i asked valerie to be my maid of honor, i didnt realize she was going to gain all that neck weight. Bitch, please. Thats right. An unbelievably adjective noun. Is this really the whole thing . Because this is this is nonsense. No, now, look, bad and horrible and terrible that is all last year. This year, its all about baby. Baby driver, baby boss, so, next year, im thinking. Youre doing my triple bypass . laughter applause . Stephen i didnt know that was the end i didnt know. Well be right back with john mulaney. I thought there was a tag dog growls named after a star. Crafted to celebrate an unforgettable holiday. Host one to remember. You know how you dont talk like this play the peter, bjorn and john song called young folks on spotify you talk like this hey google, play that hipster song with whistling. It gets that. Like only google can. Depression is a tangle that can make you sad, feel tired, and have difficulty concentrating. Trintellix is a Prescription Medication for depression. It may help you take a step forward in improving your depression. Tell your healthcare professional right away if your depression worsens, or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior or thoughts of suicide. Antidepressants can increase these in children, teens and young adults. Do not take with maois. Tell your healthcare professional about your medications, including migraine, psychiatric and depression medications, to avoid a potentially lifethreatening condition. Increased risk of bleeding or bruising may occur, especially if taken with nsaid pain relievers, aspirin or blood thinners. Manic episodes or vision problems may occur in some people. May cause low sodium levels. The most common side effects were nausea, constipation and vomiting. Ask your healthcare professional if its time for a change to trintellix. When this guy got a flat tire in the middle of the night, so he got home safe. Yeah, my dad says our insurance doesnt have that. What . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. My shoulders carry some i deserve others i dont but in the end only one name really matters because shoulders were made for greatness, not dandruff this weekend visit petsmart the adopt spot for our National Adoption weekend event. Save a life and receive a free adoption kit worth over 400 in savings including a free bag of food. Adopting wont just change their world, it will change yours too. [ america by the 7seater volkswagen atlas. Lifes as big as you make it. Hi, were alaska airlines. And our california game is stepping up. With our low fares, your san jose startup wont have to pony up for a quick flight to an la meetup. And you might even get an upgrade on your next trip to palm springs. Over 90 daily nonstops. From san diego on up. Alaska airlines. Thats how we fly. And now, step up to alaska premium class, with upgrades starting at just 15. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the late show. cheers and applause im so happy to have my first guest tonight. He is a hilarious comedian you know from broadways oh, hello. Hes now on his kid gorgeous comedy tour. Please welcome john mulaney applause stephen welcome back thank you. Stephen john mulaney, everybody welcome back. This is the third time . This is the third time ive been here. Stephen the third time . Yeah. Stephen third times a charm. Thats what they say. Stephen well get it this time. Yeah, well be charming this time. Stephen thats a lovely jacket. Velvet . Yeah, this is black velvet. This collected a lot of stuff backstage, but they rolled me off with tape, and then i walked out, and now im on tv. Stephen yeah. We know its the change of season when you can bring the black velvet out. Absolutely. Thats an old mel torme line. The change of the season is when you can bring the old velvet out. Stephen youre super busy, super busy. No surprise there. A young talented moon like you. Thats nice of you to say. I have been on tour since may and now its gone every night. Stephen what do you mean gone every night . On the ride. Stephen youre on the road and then daddys gone. I dont say daddys gone. That upsets people. Stephen do you have children . No, i have a dog, though. Stephen then you should not say, daddys gone. Of it would be weird to say to your wife, daddys gone. Yeah, weve been gone we i, have been traveling a lot. And thats why i dont know my articles or pronouns. Stephen so, its called kid gorgeous. Of the. The tour. Stephen are you kid gorgeous . I dont know. Its just a name. I kept reading names to my wife at a restaurant until she laughed, and that was the one she went with. She laughed a lot at kid gorgeous, and i said i guess it has to be that. I like oldfashioned things, and kid gorgeous stephen kid gorgeous sound like youre a middleweight boxer. Yes, yes. Stephen who is famous for never having his nose broken. Yes. Stephen hes kid gorgeous. There was a mo on the simpsons, was kid gorgeous, then he was kid presentable. And i wanted it to be called kid charlemagne after the steely dan song, but everyone in my life warned me against that, saying that would be lost on people and not be an effective tour name. Stephen whereas kid gorgeous has resonance all across america. People like vanity, yeah. Stephen youre coming back to new york for a four nights at radio city, totally stole out. Four shows sold out, yeah. And were adding a fifth now, so, yeah. applause thank you very much. Stephen thats great great. You have played radio city before . I have never played radio city. Stephen extraordinary, extraordinary house. Extraordinary place. I want to rest before it. Im getting a little fried on this tour, but its going to be an amazing stephen like what kind of rest do you need . I need so i took a vacation with my wife, ana. I had been gone about 12 nights, and we went to fairm to relax in connecticut. Stephen oh, okay. We got there stephen somebody gave me photos before you came out here. Is that what this is . Yeah, ill show you that in a moment. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown while i was at the farm. Stephen okay. I land from san francisco. We get a rental car and we drive to connecticut. And we get there, and im really holocausteand imreally exhaustl existentially insane, and trying to hold it together. Stephen sure. And the current president tweeted Something Like, no talks with north korea. You know what that means . And i was like, thats not helping my situation. That was that weekend he did that. I was out walking with my dog trying to calm down, and i saw a gaggle of geese . Stephen a gaggle of geese, yes. A gaggle of geese. And i ran towards them and they flew away and it was amusing. Later on the geese were back and i had the dog and i say to my wife, check this out. And i run towards the geese, and they hold their ground, and one of them looks at me and opens his mouth, and he had this light, pink mouth, and he went haaaa. And caveman d. N. A. In me knew get out of here right now. Like, some old ancestor ran into some pterodactyls and it wasnt good, and this was like that. It was like these are dinosaurs, like, get out of here right now. And i ran across the creek, and i said to my wife, those geese werent messing around you know . You know how you say that to your wife . laughter . Stephen yeah. And she said, what the hell were you doing . Geese attack people. He said, youre such a city boy. I said, i didnt know geese attacked people. She said, yeah, my brother was attacked by a swan laughter so later on in the evening stephen not the same as a goose. Not the same as a goose. But you expect more from a swan because its more cosmopolitan. Stephen theyre glamorous. Theyre glamorous, yes. We hold them to a higher degree. Its sad. So im sitting okay, this was, like, fatigue and im also trying to hold it together in front of my wife. I didnt tell her about the nuclear war stuff as if im the only one with a newspaper ill hide this. The dog jumps into my lap, its a nice moment. My wife takes a photo of it. Stephen is this it . One second. No, i dont mean to interrupt your flow. I just wanted you to know we took a photo. We look at it. Then i leave the room and she we come back and look at it again, and thats a green spot that we never saw right there where my wedding band meets my dogs stomach. Stephen we have a closeup. And i said, what the hell is that . We zoom in, push it, ask it looks like the moon through the trees. And i said, what is that . And as soon as i said, what is that . Some voice in me that warned me about the geese said, you know its a ghost. laughter so. laughter imagine for a moment that a green orb appears on your dog in a photo. That very much looks like the moon through the trees. And imagine youre exhausted. You can imagine how youd leap to ghost. Stephen sure. laughter have you never seen a ghost . Stephen idont think so. I mean, i dont think so. This place might be haunted. Yes theaters are haupted. Stephen exreectly haunted. Ive been on the road in theaters 1900 and 1910. And i was very cavalier about ghostghosts and id say, is ths place haunted . And wed laugh about a goft in there. I felt i had a haunting of sorts. Stephen theaters have a ghost light to keep the ghost in on purpose. If you ask if you go to an old theater, ask the stagehands, is there a ghost here . And theyll be like, theres a ghost. I did a theater in kansas city, called the midlands, and they said the janitor was killed there in 1910 and still haunts the lobby. I said, what does he do . They said, we see him sweeping up. And i said, thats double terrible that hes stuck between realms and he still has to clean the lobby. It would be nice if they were like, we saw him applying for a new position, then we then we saw him managing the lobby. Stephen i know theres a ghost in this building because sometimes, like, even during the show, like, a guest will be sitting right there, and ill hear this voice coming from the guest going, i wish dave was still here. laughter . Thats probably something dave planted. Stephen yeah, probably. So i saw that, and ive been trying to held it together all day. Stephen this is today . No, no, that day at the farm. Stephen okay. I push in on the photo, and i go, tell me that doesnt look like the moon through the trees. And my wifes like, are you okay . And i said, i think we need to leave right now. Stephen no, you didnt. I did, yeah. Stephen you cant get your deposit back because you think you saw a ghost. No, you cannot. But it was already dark on the farm roads, and i was like, if this were a movie, would it be a good idea to drive out in the dark . And, also, i didnt want to say too loud what my plan was in case the ghosts were listening. laughter applause im sad to say stephen were the ghosting saying anything . Were you getting voices in your head anything like that she doesnt understand you. Shes your enemy. Do Something Like one of those shining,. No, because i was possessed i was assuming my dog was possessed. What it turned out to be was lens flare. We looked it up and on, like i wont say what brand of phone but its an iphone. And they have its a common thing where you get these green dots, and thats the reflection of the sun coming through the trees and the window pane behind me. Stephen if you saw this on your dog not on camera, that would be something to be upset about. I would bow down in front of her and say ill do whatever you want. Stephen you know what i really like, big mouth. Thank you very much. Stephen the show youre doing with nick kroll, our friend of the show. This is a wonderful animated show on netflix, that nick kroll and andrew goldberg, his friend from childhood created stephen you play andrew. Yeah, i am a get friend in adult life. Stephen its about kids going through puberty and very funny and very honest, harrowing ways. Yeah. Stephen because puberty is very upsetting. Yes, it feels its sort of a realist, nightmarish escape of puberty comedy, and i think its how its how puberty field in a lot of ways. Stephen did you go to Catholic Schools growing up . Yeah, only exclusively. Stephen jesuit schools. Another they teach you good. But did they teach you, like, about sex . Did you have, like, puberty, like health class or anything like that . We had health class. Stephen did they go through the birds and the bees. We did a sort of miracle on life on the please dont ever have sex side of it. Stephen okay. Its a miracle that you want nothing to do with. Yeah, and they said they were like, none of the contraceptives work, so dont try them. Well stephen wow. Well, you know, we were kids. Its unfortunately had a lasting effect in the subconscious of my brain, but. laughter they then the big thing was they would show us the miracle of life video, and i fainted at that, not one year, not two years, but three years in a row. laughter . Stephen i hesitate to ask what is is in the miracle of life video that would make john mulaney pass outside . I dont know anyone that has seen it. It begins with a couple that does not look contemporary, early 1980s, or late 1970s. And then it goes to animation about how their tubes and different valves work. And then youre like watching these diagrams and youre like, all right. And then its a hard cut to the entry of a human into the world. Stephen of a human coming through the loins of their mother which is nothing wrong with that. Stephen, of course, not weve all done that. Perfectly natural. Absolutely. Even cesarean, however you want to do it. Its all fantastic. So i would look, and i went the first year i went, huh . And then i was on the floor. laughter the second year stephen you know whats coming . The second year i know its coming. I go, no way am i going to flinch this time. So i stared longer. And i watched more of the opening number. laughter hit the floor. The third year, people were rooting for me to faint. cheers and applause and looking back. And they they were going, hes gonna go. Hes gonna faint. And i just the pressure i dont even know if i was watching the video. I think i had a panic attack because all the eyes were on me. And i fainted again, just to maybe just to appease them. What a life what a sad life to want to entertain so much that ill collapse for you if you cheer loud enough. Stephen youre a pro. cheers and applause youre kid gorgeous is what you were. Thank you. Stephen nice to see you. John mulaneys kid gorgeous is at radio city music hill this february. John mulaney, everybody well be right back with an neverbeforebroadcast comedy bit with jason segel. That was just aight for me. Yo, checi mean,t dawg. You got the walk. You got the stance. But i wasnt really feeling it. You know what, im not buying this. You gotta come a little harder dawg. You gotta figure it out. Eh, i dont know. Shaky on the walk, carriage was off. Randy jackson judging a dog show. I dont know dawg. Surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money lisa saved by switching to geico. Wow performance of the night. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. It all started when sophia stopped into marshalls and found a mug for surprisingly little green. She paired that with some succulents. And suddenly something clicked. That surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama. Or is that an alpaca . Super soft towels, and an enchanting vase that magically tied it all together. She arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. Did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks . No. But great things happen when you choose surprise. Marshalls. Your surprise is waiting. But great things happen when you choose surprise. Eve i drop what i do me you are my best friend and weve got some things to do do you wanna, do you wanna, do you wanna do you wanna, do you wanna, do you wanna yeaheaeaeah band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Im joined by the great jason segel. Jason you were here on tuesday and now its friday. Thank you for coming back. Yeah. You were promoting your new novel otherworld. Which i still have here. It turns out you also have several upcoming movies youre excited to promote. Youre so busy you didnt even know you were in these movies. Thats right. Stephen and i didnt know i was costarring with you in these movies. I know. Stephen because were both so damn busy. This should be interesting. What im going to do is put the posters up here, and were going to look at the posters, see them for the first time. Yeah. Stephen these posters were made by my graphics department. Yes. Stephen and we have not seen any of these. And we are going to relive what the plot of this movie is for the audience. Are we doing them for sure . Are we going to do these movie s. Stephen theyre all right shot. Got it. Stephen talk to your agent if you havent been paid, okay. Get ready to remember these plots together. Were going to generate some buzz and hopefully make some cash. This is maybe coming soon. cheers and applause stephen welcome, to hour two of this bit. All right, the first movie that you and i are both in is. Butlerfingers. Help, the help needs help. We shot this actually at san simmion, the old first of all, you dont have to remind me. It was one of the best times of my life. Stephen oh, incredible. Yeah. I was very glad they removed the secretary t. Stephen yes. We are two men who are running from the mob who are hiding out as butlers. Of course,. Stephen yes. Yeah, as a team of butlers. Stephen but were very terrible at our jobs. Thats right. Stephen were extremely clumsy. And we bring along a baby. Stephen and we try to hide the baby in the bowl. Yeah, and eventually, it ends, tragically, when the baby is accidentally served. laughter stephen its going to be limited release. laughter then, of course, we made i will tell you this, im pretty sure i didnt approve that that poster. We mad Party Lincoln. Four score and seven beers ago. Oh, my gosh right. cheers and applause . Stephen i play im pretty sure i play a frat brother. Yes. Stephen because i can still play college age. Yes. I mysteriously have been dethawed stephen youre dethawed lincoln. But im also wearing a hawaiian vest. Stephen thats Party Lincoln. Thats Party Lincoln, thats right. Stephen Party Lincoln, on monaula in hawaii theres a glacier, right they find a frozen abe lincoln which is where president johnson stashed him. Yeah, yeah. Until the future could find a cure for bullet in the head. laughter caand they cure him its a happy ending. They cure him and he goes to college and joins my frat. Super uncomfortable when i take the hat off. laughter and then, of course,. Just robbins. cheers and applause stephen and, of course, the tag line, this summer, bask in robins. I believe you thought of that. Stephen this was based on the novel oops all robbins. Which didnt test well, the title. Stephen you and i played rorins. And we had a dispute who would get top bilge, and apparent its colbert and siegel. Stephen its alphabetical. This is for the holidays. Its coming out soon. Supreme horse. Yeah, of course. The horse we were we were so lucky to be able to get american pharoah. Stephen he had so little time on his hooves, because he, of course, he and you are out to stud right now. Thats right. Stephen both of you. Thats right. Stephen both of you are out to stud. Thats right. Stephen thats what you do in that orange grove. laughter stephen okay . Incredible. But it also get into some issues. Yeah. Stephen gets into some issues, yeah, yeah. And then, of course, the holiday favorite. A Party Lincoln christmas. Stephen the first one was such a hit fourscore and seven notion ago. This time its personal. Stephen well, listen look how happy you look. Stephen, of course. Because in the first one, the first one, youre shot again. Oh oh, no. Stephen in the first one youre shot again. Again. Stephen because you know what happened to lincoln the first time, right . I just wanted to make sure. Spoiler alert i wanted you to know what the bullet joke was. Got it. Stephen but you get shot at the end of the next one, because you jump in front of me to save me from a rival frat assassinating me at a performance of my american cousin. Yeah, yeah. Stephen but then what what i didnt know was is that the sorority do i break dance in this . Stephen the great break danceipatotor is back. The tridealts freeze you. Stephen thats good. Theyre the good girls because theyre a sorority. Did you go to college . I didnt go to college. Stephen you do in this movie. Stephen well, listen, folks, thank you for joining us. Jason segel, everybody. All these movies are maybe coming soon well be right back. applause when you say wallpaper, most people think doilies and cabbage roses. We wanted to make wallpaper cool again. One of the greatest challenges of running a Small Business is having to do a little bit of everything. Office 365 really lets us collaborate in real time. Once a client sees a 3d rendering, they get it. Who knew there would be so much math with wallpaper . The math feature is so amazing. Love, love, love teams. It simplifies communication from everywhere. It makes our 10person company feel like 50. I like that math. Studying to be a dentist and she gave me advice. She said. My daughter is. Dadgo pro with crest prohealth. 4 out of 5 dentists confirm. These crest prohealth. Products help maintain a. Professional clean. Go pro with Crest Pro Health crest prohealth. Really brought my mouth. To the next level. Can your phone get loud . Hello moto. Why stay trapped in your ear buds when you can turn it up with alexa . Alexa, blast my music. alexa playing your music. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Smart speaker with amazon alexa available now on the moto z2. Awwwwww. Yummmm. Dennys new holiday pancakes are delicious. You guys can have some if you want. Order now at dennys. Com [ america by simon and garfunkel ] can i cross it off yet . Almost. And. Now. The volkswagen atlas. With available digital cockpit. Lifes as big as you make it. This is Google Home Mini. Its got the Google Assistant in it, so its super helpful. Watch this hey google, good morning. Good morning, claire. Its 72 and sunny. Dont forget to wear some sunscreen. Oh, thats nice. Itll also read you the news, look up traffic, and tell you your first meeting is at 9am. And you know how sometimes youre in bed and you cant get out of it until you hear that one song that ok, playing your get out of bed playlist. nants ingonyama lion king song plays yeah, it can do that too. Its Google Home Mini and the rest of the google home family. I remember the warmth and the wonder. Twinkling lights mixed with the scent of spruce. And now, my chance to relive it all. Magic. We have a fragrance for that. Glade limited edition fragrances. Eight hundred dollars when wet switched our auto and home insurance. With liberty, we could afford a real babysitter instead of your brother. Hey. Oh. Thats my robe. Is it . You could save seven hundred eighty two dollars when liberty stands with you. Liberty mutual insurance. Tha. Oh, burnton gravy . Ie. Gotta rinse that. Nope. No way. Nada. Really . Dish issues . Throw it all in. Cascade platinum powers through even burnton gravy. Nice. Cascade. dog growls named after a star. Crafted to celebrate an unforgettable holiday. Host one to remember. Im a substation electrician my nwith pg e. Ck varela. When i was 17 years old, signed up for the United States army and i started serving and i now get to serve the customers of pg e. I get to help other families. And thats what its all about. When i came back from iraq, couldnt find work. Then i found pg es power pathway program. Here at pg e im Successful Living in eureka with our two beautiful kids with a brand new career all because of the power pathway program. If you are a veteran, go to pge. Com powerpathway and hopefully your life will change like mine did. Together, were building a better california. band playing band playing cheers and applause stephen weve come to my favorite part of every week in the Trump Administration the end. Now, lets look back at the best moments from this weeks the late show. We have a nuclear submarine, also positioned. We have many things happening that we hope, he woap in fact, ill go a step further we hope to god we never have to use. Stephen yes, hope to god because we all know gods in the Nuclear Chain of command. Hes got the other key. Thats why they call it the Nuclear Triad because its the father, the son and the holy bleep . cheers and applause President Trump is still off on his trip through asia. He arrived today in china, although he kept calling it thailand, because its where they make his ties. laughter . President xi and i have had several conversations about our common goals and interests. Beyond, that we talk often. Its a very Good Chemistry between the two of us. laughter . Stephen, of course. Yeah, no. Of course, of course, they have Good Chemistry. They met on xiharmony. Feeding the coy is a timehonored tradition much like the Japanese Tea Service whereas the meditation of the movement is resonant bleep . Yeah. Suck on it, you fat fish yeah, there you go. There you go. Every single thing thats happened probably in the last two years of our politics, i would have been sitting in the writers room saying, no, no, that cant happen. I would have shot down every one. You know reality show guy runs for president. Id go, no, no it cant happen. You know stephen wins so guess what that does . Stephen what . That destroys drama. Fictional Television Drama about a white house is now destroyed because theres absolutely no gravity to it. Stephen its pretty good its pret pretty good lawrence, its pretty good for comedy. Its very good. Stephen donald jr. Woke up this morning to urge people to get the vote out, but maybe he should have waited until he had his morn cup of hair gel because he tweeted which is a fine thing to tweet. Except the election was today not tomorrow. Whoopsiedaisy. Turns out eric is the smart one. You know i have a theor. Do you want to hear it . Stephen yes. I think if dogs talked they would all sound like dave chappelle. Hold on son. Wait a minute, baby nobody comes back here im tired of eating squirrel, son oh stephen we met briefly during rehearsal because you walked out on stage just to say hi in your underwear. And stephen hey the reason i did that was my 15yearold daughter, elizabeth, begged me not to do anything to embarrass the family. You know, stephen, as you know ill be hosted night of too many stars to support next for autism on hbo. Stephen thats true. It will be live. Celebrities are donating incredible experiences to help raise even more money. For instance, Stephen Colbert is offering an Incredible Opportunity here at the late e show. Stephen yes, it is, and i cant wait to find out. But im feeling a little parched and i want to get a little sip of water here. Please tell me what im offering. laughter one lucky winner is going to spend an entire episode of the late show. laughter under your desk. cheers and applause stephen well be right back. Its time for the sleep number semiannual sale on the only bed that adjusts on both sides to your ideal comfort your sleep number setting. And snoring . Does your bed do that . Right now during our semiannual sale, our queen c4 mattress with adjustable comfort on both sides is only 1499. Save 300. Plus 36 month financing. Ends monday. Visit sleepnumber. Com for a store near you. Stephen thats it for the late show. Join me next week when ill be joined by joe biden, elton john, ben affleck, and norah odonnell. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from tulsa,