Theres danger. Come on come on. Gotta love it. Suspense. Intrigue. Oooh, yeah, thats good. Right now they gotta do oh, goonies. No, i cant do it again, cant do it again. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, the democrats trump, trump. Plus stephen welcomes Norman Reedus. Sean astin. And comedian pat mcgann. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Tack, tack, tack, tack particular thanks so much. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause well, folks, one year ago today, donald trump was elected president. Give him a chance. laughter yesterday, democrats commemorated this anniversary, by kicking trumps ass, using his arch enemy the popular vote. cheers and applause okay, lets go around the horn. Lets see the results. Lets start in helena, montana, where Wilmot Collins became the first black mayor in montanas history. cheers and applause jon i like that i like that stephen also and this is fun the first black person in montanas history. laughter wyoming is the 21st one out there. And in new jersey, democrat phil murphy was elected governor cheers and applause a sad day for chris christie. So, a day for chris christie. And in his acceptance speech, governorelect murphy expressed the way a lot of democrats were feeling last night. laughter let me try that. Hold on. laughter applause cheers jon make you wanna jump stephen theyve forgotten how to be happy. So, democrats have their swagger back. Theyve already updated their logo to this. laughter they also made major gains in virginias house of delegates, winning at least 15 seats in an upset cheers and applause yeah. 15 seats in an upset that stunned members of both parties. Both parties . So, even the democrats didnt democrats would win. What . No, people hate us. I demand a recount laughter virginia also elected its first transgender state lawmaker cheers and applause danica roem. And in a moment of, i think, sweet irony, the man she beat was bob marshall, the republican who introduced virginias bathroom bill. cheers and applause so, soon therell be one bathroom bob marshall cant use the one in his office. laughter of course, the big race in virginia last night was for governor, where Democrat Ralph Northam stomped republican ed gillespie 54 to 45 and it proves the states old saying virginia is for lovers of everyone but ed gillespie. One person who said he loved gillespie was donald trump, but the second gillespie lost, trump threw him under the tweet bus ed gillespie worked hard but did not embrace me or what i stand for. Clearly, if he worked hard, also jon oooh i get it, i get it. Stephen he doesnt. Also, youre lying. Because gillespie copied your whole playbook, portraying northam as enabling latino gangs, hitting n. F. L. Players for kneeling during the national anthem, and promising to keep confederate monuments up. He even copied the part where you lost the state of virginia laughter well, you know what they say, imitation is the sincerest form of you lost the state of virginia. Mr. Trump, all of these elections were about you. Significant numbers of voters in each state said trump was a reason for their vote, with far more voting to oppose you than support you. Thats the problem with making everything about you, sir. It means everything, even losing, is about you. Thats the downside of narcissism, along applause yeah. Yeah. Along with no one really loving you. laughter but tomorrow is another day, and trump is already there, because hes in asia. Yesterday, tomorrow, today, he gave a big speech to south Koreas National Assembly and praised the resiliency of the south korean people. In less than one lifetime, south korea climbed from total devastation to among the wealthiest nations on earth. Life expectancy has risen from just 53 years to more than 82 years today. Like korea, and since my election exactly one year ago today, i celebrate with you. Stephen urrrr that is a hard turn from korean Life Expectancy to i won the election. laughter do not have this man give the toast at your wedding congratulations to the bride and groom. I hope they have a long and happy marriage, as happy as i was when i hosted the highlyrated celebrity apprentice. top reality show of all time, tremendous. I may now kiss the bride. cheers and applause then trump continued to talk about himself. The United States is going through something of a miracle itself. Stephen its true. Ever since you were elected, all my water turned to wine technically bourbon, but im drinking a lot of it. cheers and applause then then the president addressed the most important issue facing south korea golf. Korean golfers are some of the best on earth. In fact and you know what im going to say. Stephen yes, so please dont. The womens u. S. Open was held this year at Trump National golf club in bedminster, new jersey. Stephen now, it may sound crass, but a lot of president s use foreign trips to hawk their personal products. Remember, nixon went to china, but he was just there to promote dick nixons salad fixins. I am not a crouton laughter but the big question going into trumps trip to south korea was how hed deal with the threat from north korea. Now, past president s have made a point to visit the Demilitarized Zone zones between the two countries, or the d. M. Z. , between north and south. But last week, before he left, the president was playing coy about a d. M. Z. Visit. The d. M. Z. , yes or no . Are you going, yes or no . Well, id rather not say. But youll be surprised. What does that mean, sir . Youll be surprised. Stephen does donald trump know what the word surprise means . Id rather not say if were throwing you a party. But on your birthday, show up to the Bowling Alley at 5 00, and youll be surprised. Also, also and im not asking for any particular reason can you bring sheet cake . laughter sometimes sometimes sometimes i enjoy the jokes too much. laughter then, this morning, press secretary harrah i almost said harrah suckabee sanders. Sarah Huckabee Sanders its going to be a long night. Gathered reporters cheers and applause over its over we had a good run, two years, two months. Anyway, sarah Huckabee Sanders gathered reporters who were traveling with the president and made a big announcement. Sort of. Because it was such a big secret that she had been instructed not even to utter the location aloud and said, this is where were going while holding up a piece of notebook paper on which she had scrawled the letters d. M. Z. cheers and applause which, of course, stands for wheres the fjord . In case theyre going to norway. It was all going according to plan, until the visit to the d. M. Z. Was called off due to fog. Thats right, north korea watch out kim jongun do not test donald trump, because if you do, he will rain down fire and fury the likes youve never seen unless its misty. In which case, seoul is all yours weve got a great show for you tonight. Norman reedus is here. But when we return, trump visits china, and im visited by a friendly hobo. snice. Stick around. Hurry in get fifty percent off all jeans, sweaters, and outerwear at old navy. All smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. Hello moto. Can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. And they might be bragging about portrait mode. But can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera . Its time to reinvent your smartphone. Its time to move on. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Get 200 off a moto z2 force edition. bell mnemonic [ america by simon can i cross it off yet . Almost. And. Now. The volkswagen atlas. With available digital cockpit. Lifes as big as you make it. Pre crowd cheering presents for them, kohls cash for you announcer kohls. Give joy. Get joy. Made with 100 ribeye beef, fresh spring mix and provalone cheese on a potato bun. R im inviting the whole industry to try it. Of course ill protect their identities. Like this. Try my first ever ribeye burgers. Introducing fast foods first made with 100 ribeye beef, fresh spring mix and provolone cheese on an artisan potato bun. Yep, nailed it come try my new ribeye burgers. Only at jack in the box. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, ladies and gentlemen. Right there. cheers and applause oh, folks. Folks, you know, information President Trump is still off on his trip through asia. He arrived today in china, although he kept calling it thailand because its where they make his ties. He spent a lot of time with his old buddy chinese president xi jinping. Theyve been friends since xi visited maralago and trump asked him how china got mexico to pay for their wall. Seeing the two together, i understand why they bonded, theyre both leaders of super powers. Its nice to have someone who understands what youre going through, a friend, a buddy, the kind of person who can finish your. Pudding. Pudding. He can finish your pudding. cheers and applause stephen jon stewart, everybody jon i dont know if i am. cheers and applause all right, jon, i gotta ask please. Hes here all the time. Sit down ladies and gentlemen, jon stewart, obviously. Jon, what are you doing under my desk. I watch the show from there every night. Its unbelievable. Its a frontrow seat to the number one ankles in late night. Stephens ankles the smart choice. Stephen what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, jon . Can i get you another pudding. Thats some incredible object work youre doing. Thats what i was thinking. I was going to do pantomime work but i figured ill use real pudding. Well, stephen, as you know, ill be hosting the night of too many stars to support next for autism, on saturday, november 18, on hbo. Its live and on hbo, which means i will be having somewhat night sex with a robot looking at you, james marsden. Stephen thats a good choice. Thats a good choice. Its a westworld reference. Obviously we dont have premium cable audience here tonight. Stephen night of too many stars, did i get the title right. Night of too many stars. Stephen can there be too many stars. Ive got chris rock, adam sandler, olivia munn, ellie kemper, john oliver, Stephen Colbert. Stephen Stephen Colbert wait. Stephen colbert. Stephen i very very good things about him. His ankles, alone. Unbelievable. The smartest in late night. What will always those people be doing. Were raising money for a great cause, support next for every dollar every one. Every dollar every dollar every nickel. It will b will be raised to help somebody with autism. Since we started this 12 years ago, 24 million. Stephen 24 million, wow, that is 2 million. You know what im going to do. Stephen what are you going to do . Im going to take this home and see if a raccoon will get its head stuck in this. That might go viral, jon. 24 million, that family must be rich now. Were spreading it out to different families. Stephen thats smart. It goes to many families across the america. Celebrities are donating incredible experiences to help raise even more money. For instance, Stephen Colbert is offering an Incredible Opportunity here at the late show. Stephen i am, and i cant way to see what it is im offering. Before you tell people, im feeling a little parched and need to get a sip of water here. Please tell me what im offering. laughter one lucky winner is going to spend an entire episode of the late show under your desk. laughter applause stephen what . What . Jon wow. Stephen you who. I cannot believe your mouth holds that much water. Thats fool nam. Stephen its an Incredible Opportunity, jon ive got the hottest ankles in late night you do. You just put out a fire on my cheek. Stephen good, wow. And theres more. The winner will stay down here for the monologue, get to ask a question to that nights guest, and pop up and do a punchline while stephen is at the desk. Stephen not my precious punchlines yes. Stephen well, i happen to know another detail of this amazing prize. Do you . laughter stephen yes, jon. Yes. And this is the detail. laughter for one whole segment of the show. The winner will be joined under the desk by jon stewart cheers and applause hand him another emmy yup, that will be me. Stephen yup, youre under the desk, jon. Thats what it says up here. Does this sound amazing to you . Ill tell you what, how does your suit get to bead the water in that way . Thats tremendous. Stephen they scotchguard me before you come on the show, jon. This is going to be a onceinalifetime opportunity. Go to www. Omaze. Com colbert to support next for autism and enter to win the chance to spend an theres no more water down there. To spend an episode of the late show under my desk jon, you better make some room down there. Okay. Stephen jon stewart, everybody. Watch night of too many stars, saturday forget it. November 18 on hbo, and go bid online. Well be right back with Norman Reedus. Is this it . [ barking ] its go time. Woohoo sir, the kids need you. Later lobster. [ sirens blaring ] [ minion babble ] [ holiday music playing ] hurry lets go thanks for coming everyone some of you from far, far, away. [ heavy breathing ] we found this special house. For a super special family. Uh, wheres the special part . Well, thats where you all come in [ all cheering ] here, i see a big tree. And a fireplace for all the stockings. Copy that. Tvs in the game room here we go and a closet filled with holiday outfits dream houses do come true think theyll like it . Yeah, theyre gonna love it. dog growls named after a star. Crafted to celebrate an unforgettable holiday. Host one to remember. The amazing new iphone 8 is at at t. And we know youll love it. Because we know you want more. More great camera features and more power. And more than just unlimited data, we give you unlimited plans with hbo included for life. Because you deserve more entertainment. And more spokespeople. Talking like this, saying the word more. At t. Its time for more. Am i too close . I feel like im too close. Get the iphone 8 and with all at t unlimited plans, get hbo for life. Only from at t. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human. Hey, everybody, you know, folks, youre in luck. My first guest is daryl from the walking dead and host of ride with Norman Reedus. Please welcome Norman Reedus applause stephen good to see you. The people are so excited when you come out here. Thank you for coming back. Oh, my pleasure. Thanks for having me. Stephen last time it was the same reaction. People went crazy. We needus some reidus. You should run for elected office. That would be a great slogan. You dont want that to happen. Stephen you dont want to run for office . Maybe, maybe, sure. Stephen youre on a tv show. Thats all it takes at this point. Wait, i brought you a present. Stephen no way nobody brings me presents. What did you bring . What . That is a Norman Reedus that is a the walking dead air freshener. That is yeah, that really smells dead. Yeah gr that is really that is really nice. Now, okay, now the last time you were here, you were talking about you were learning to, like, poach an egg or Something Like that, and make hol an dais sauce. How did that work out . Did you figure out how to do it yet . I gave up. Stephen you gave up on how to cook an egg. The egg part i got down. Stephen its just butter and egg yolk, and lemon juice . Im not sure. Stephen did you try to improvise or did you ask a chef. I just forgot and got busy and gave up. Stephen oh, okay. Okay, so you cant do that im not going to spit on you, i promise. Heres you and your coep from the walking dead. You opened a restaurant in georgia. Whats it called . Nic normans. Stephen what kind of food are we talking about here . Poaches eggs and hollandais sauce . Its southern feelgood food and a lot of it. Stephen what can i get there, things fried i assume . Things fried and mountains of gravy on stuff fried and i dont eat meat but the black meat burger is big. Stephen you dont do meat at all . Thats big in the south, meat. It is. Stephen how does nic eat the meats . We have sort of a competition, because we all had to come up with burgers. Theres a black bean burger. He came up with a sort of bleu cheese burger, and our competition is who is going to order more of our burgers. And hes crushing me right now. Stephen well, listen, is it, like a Family Restaurant . Yes, sir, its a kind of like, if your whole family got drunk and went there and needed, like, sobering food, it would be like that. laughter . Stephen yeah. Yeah. Right right from there, right to the Family Counseling. Right after that. Correct. Stephen before or after Family Counseling on, like, a sunday afternoon, Something Like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah,. Stephen that could be good. Youve got the new show ride with Norman Reedus. This is the second season. We had you on last year for the first season. So what happens again on this show . What does is required to be on ride with Norman Reedus . Youve got to know how to ride a motorcycle. Stephen okay. You have to be a celebrity, right . Well, not necessarily. There is a lot of people to that are custom bike builders or just friends of mine that do art and so forth. A friend of mine, patrick holly, in hawaii stephen you rode notification to hawaii . In hawaii. Thats easier. Stephen i dont know how to ride a motorcycle. I can teach you. Stephen no, i know how to ride a motorcycle. I grew up in North Carolina. What kind of motorcycle. Stephen a minibike. You didnt ask me to be on your show. Im just curious. You can ride a mini bike on the show. Stephen i can ride a mini bike on my show . Of course,. Stephen my wife wont let me. I hear that a lot. Stephen do you hear that a lot from men, my wife wont let me do it . Yeah. Stephen theyre dangerous. Well, yeah, but. Stephen thats not an argument i can bring to my wife, yeah, but, you know, ive had a good run. You went to my home state of North Carolina with dave chappelle, right . Yeah. Stephen did he ride before he did the show . I didnt know he yeah, hes a really good rider as well. Hes you know, i think he sort of started late in life, you know. When he turned 40, i think he got a bike. But he and i rode all over there. We rode down to savannah. Stephen thats now south carolina. Thats georgia. We started in charleston. Stephen thats my home town. What did you like more, charleston or savannah . The thing is, charleston and savannah are sister city s. Stephen thats what savannah thinks. St. Loui if you watch the epit the very end of twe were at a comedy store, and he walks on stage without anything exwb knowing it, and he kind of ribs them a little bit. And these are some good old boys who have been drinking and stuff. And he says a trump joke, didnt go over well. We just got back from charleston. And they were like, boo. And he said, wait a minute. They said the nicest stuff about you. And he turned that whole place into, like, a hippie lovefest. It was awesome. Stephen really . Oh, yeah. Stephen he said people in charleston said nice things about savannah . Is that not true . Stephen its not true. Where did you go in south carolina. Did you eat anything good when you were down there . The best food in the world is in south carolina. We went crawfishing. Stephen oh, really . Yeah, and we put on the waders, went out in the mud, and ripped up crawfish, and ripped the heads off. Stephen really . And all sorts of stuff. Stephen oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Stephen we have a clip of you guys. Where are you here . Do you know where you are in this one . No. Stephen okay, thats no help. I can tell you afterward s. Stephen tell me what . I can tell you afterwards, after i see it. Stephen okay okay i might be abe to, also. Okay, okay. Stephen afterwards. laughter jim. Its very exciting. Dave chappelle and Norman Reedus are drinking coffee. Its a good look. We should take a selfie right now. Yeah. Lets do it real quick. Let me scroll through these pics. Awesome thank you. Hey, thanks. Thats so funny. Look this way. The lights better. I want my photo printed. Look at this kid. Young darrell dixon. Bye, guys. Yeah. applause stephen i can do that. Yeah, you could stephen i could do that with you any time, any time. Just dont tell my wife. Look how jacked he is. Stephen hes absolutely huge. Youre not a small guy, but hes huge. I mean, were at the very end of our season, so im kind of stuffed in this suit right now. Stephen do you get bigger as the season goes on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen working out or from eating . Just being physical. But he not like that. Hes super jacked. Stephen he is. Its funny, that clip, the very beginning of the clip he leans over and goes, look out, america. Look what ive done to my body. Yeah. laughter . Stephen wow, wow. Well, norman good to see you, thank you so much for being here. Stephen ride with Norman Reedus airs monday nights on amc. And if youre in georgia, go to nic normans and consider a black bean burger. Well be right back with Stranger Things sean astin. A tiny sword . Bread. Breadstick . A matchstick a lamppost coin slot no . Uhhh. 10 seconds. A stick a Walking Stick eiffel tower, Mount Kilimanjaro ding time sorry, its a tandem bicycle. What . What . as long as sloths are slow, you can count on geico saving folks money. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Like new savory grilled with mediterranean shrimp, topped with a blend of green onions, tomatoes, and herbs. And your favorites, like garlic shrimp scampi. Nows the only time to try as much as you want, however you want em. So hurry in today. Why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. I got this. N there . Thats the new man, huh . Yup. Getting kinda close to my ride. Wow. Now, thats how you make a first impression. Theyre going to love you. Thats ford, americas bestselling brand. Hurry in today for 0 financing for 72 months across the full line of ford cars, trucks and suvs and just announced. Get 0 apr for 72 months plus 1000 cash back take advantage of these exclusive holiday offers during the ford year end sales event. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen i am beside myself with excitement because my next guest has played so many iconic characters, from rudy to Samwise Gamgee and most recently paul manafort. He now stars in Stranger Things. I was a little younger with you standing in line for the ferris wheel at the county fair. I feel a white glove tap me on the shoulder. I spin around and there he is, hey, kiddo. Would you like a balloon. Go ahead, laugh. It was funny. It wasnt funny back then, i can tell you that. I couldnt get him out of my head. Every night, he would come to me in my dreams. Every night when he came to me, i ran. Stephen please welcome sean astin. cheers and applause cheers thats awesome. Stephen hi hi. Stephen its so nice to meet you. Finally stephen yeah, we met briefly during rehearsal. Yeah. Stephen because you walked out on stage do we have this . I was in the middle i hate those embarrassing stephen i was just trying to rehearse some of the material, and as i was trying to rehearse it, you walked out just to say hi in your underwear. And hey i gotta tell you i gotta tell you, for me, its like im the cheerleader meeting the captain of the Football Team because i know youre probably tired of thrg. But you were in this movie called lord of the rings. Of. I was. cheers and applause . Stephen have you heard me talk buin that . You are my favorite character in my favorite movie. I am i dont know what how to describe how excited i am to meet you right now. Let me just say first of all, the reason i did that, come out to see you like, that my 15yearold daughter, elizabeth, begged me not to do anything to embarrass the family. laughter . Stephen thats a good dad. Elizabeth, i love you. Now well weil get back to the normal part. You know more about lord of the rings than all of the people who made lord of the rings combined gli found out and it only slightly broke my heart, that you when you got the part, you knew nothing about lord of the rings. My degree from u. C. L. A. , is in english and American History or history in American Literature and culture. Stephen okay. Its a british its an english story. Stephen yes, it is. U. C. L. A. , theyre going to be mad they kind of actually, when my agent called me, she said, honey, you have to have a flawless british accent by tuesday. This is eye real conversation. And i said okay. She said pierce jackson is doing the lorld of the rings triology for new line. I didnt know what the lord of the rings part was. She said its the sequel to the hobbit, the hobbit. Honestly, i thought it was the phantom tollbooth. Glvment thats a different story. Totally different. Stephen at any point did you read the books . Yes. Stephen because theyre pretty good. I i there were some that didnt. Stephen some on the in the cast . Im not saying anything. Stephen who didnt read them. Im not saying anything. But i read them cover to cover three times, and i absolutely love them. To me, it wasnt like being transported into another world. It was like work, you know. It was like i want to understand how would he hold the pipe . You know, how would stephen right. How would all the little the little you in glansz they changed a few things about your character. Okay, go on. And i have questions for you by the way. Stephen id love to answer your questions, be a guest on my own show. Sorry. laughter . Stephen your character, your version of sam, you call him mister froado, in the script he was master. I think i say master sometimes. Theyre long, you cant watch all the them at once stephen yes, you can. You can watch all of them at once. You dont even have to have pants on. laughter . Apparently, thats not a problem for me. Stephen exactly. Are you your own favorite character from lord of the rings. Sam is the hero, tolkien himself said sam is the hero of lord of the rings. I think that sam would never in a million years want to be considered hero of that story so my official, ontherecord answer is no. I have two favorite characters. Golum, the stinker, even though he keeps calling me stupid, fat hobbit, its one of the more interesting characters. And tree beard. Stephen sure, yeah. I love tree beard. And soots so kind of i guess its sort of typical and political whatever. During the industrial revolution, when you go across england, the smokestacks belching, and people were having lung problems and everything else, and tolkien wrote this story, and in the story he creates these trees, these slow, lumbering, thinking, talking trees that were just like my dad remember john aftin, gomez. Stephen yes. Hes an imp. And thats it, i finally figured it out, my dad is tree beard. And they come to life and fight to defend stephen the forest. The forest and, yeah, and accident sceney and stuff. So i just love the idea of, like, whether or not man wants to acknowledge our part in whats happening with the environment, the environment doesnt care. Its going to come its going to rise up and protect itself. Stephen i hope so. applause i hope so. It will. Stephen now, youre on Stranger Things. Yeah, Stranger Things. Stephen now youre on Stranger Things, second season. Its set in the 80s. And obviously youre one of the stars of the goonies, and other things like e t are big influences on this show. When youre in it, do you feel like this is really familiar to me . Yes, its a little bit whats so cool is the Duffer Brothers who created it, theyre so sweet and such beautiful guys. And youre standing there and youre looking at, like, a radio shack or, you know, a gremlin car or all these kind of other things that are and their idea, its like theyre unpacking elizabethan england or something. This great discovery. They have, like, historical advisers on the set to talk about what posters would be right to go on the set. So to me, like, the 80s is well, i dont know how old you are, but to me the 80s is hes kind of times, right . Like, you cant even applause cheers you are. You are. Anyhow, it is yes, it is a wonderful thing to work with these young performers, and wynonna rider and the fans love it to death, and im just blessed again to be invited to be a part of something special. Stephen well, were blessed that you are. Lovely to see you, sean. Thank you so much. Stephen Stranger Things is on netflix now. Sean astin, everybody. Well be right back with a performance from comedian pat mcgann. All smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. Hello moto. Can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. And they might be bragging about portrait mode. But can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera . Its time to reinvent your smartphone. Its time to move on. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Get 200 off a moto z2 force edition. 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Uh huh let it go whoo get a dollarfordollar match at the end of your first year. Only from discover. It all started when sophia found the Perfect Little mug at marshalls. Then piece by piece, surprise by surprise, she built the greatest guest bathroom ever. Did she expect to get so much bang for so few bucks . No. But great things happen when you choose surprise. Did she expect to get so much bang for so few bucks . dog growls named after a star. Crafted to celebrate an unforgettable holiday. Host one to remember. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the late show. Stephen folks, my next guest is a comedian coming to us from chicago. Please welcome, pat mcgann applause all right im happy to be here. Its good to be out, right, just good to be out. Got kids at home. My wife and i have three, three under four. Yeah, thats how people react. Some people ask me what its like. Heres a fast fact 75 of the asses i wipe, arent mine. laughter i got one in preschool. One from prepreschool. Did you know that existed, prepreschool. My wife is like, he wants to go. We have to sign him up. He wants to go to school. He wants to go to school . He doesnt know what school is. He wants to go to school, walk him out to the garage, here we are. This is our first day. Heres a broom. Were going to learn how to sweep today. He might be gifted. Thats what my wife said. He was eating a crayon yesterday, a purple one, looks like you after a glass of wine. Sometimes well take one. You know, ill take one, my wife will take one, kind of divide and conquer. She took my daughter out the other need and sent a text, staying out, thought you guys might like some boy time. Really, they dont know its boy time. Text me when youre close so i can get rid of all the strippers and blow. Boy time . What do you want to do . Watch a game . Throw the ball around. Stand on the chair and flick the light switch on and off . What do you want to get into . Take all the kleenex out of the box, one my one . Thats awesome. Dont worry about it. Ill just stuff them back in there. Im just happy to be hanging out with the fell as. laughter yeah, weve got to get out to vegas. I get it. Some of you dont have ciz kids. Just Pay Attention anyway. Im from the future. laughter probably in your 20s . Enjoy that. I cant even talk about my 20s at home. I met my wife when i was 31. Sometimes shell ask me, what were you doing in your 20s . Im just like, nothing. I was looking for you. laughter i thought you were in mexico one weekend. laughter yeah, now its just all about the kid, you know. And were exhausted. We argue, we love each other. She tried to insult me the other day. She said, youre not organized. I said, ouch. Im not organized. She acts like we met at the container store. I met terat a bar at noon. Maybe thats a sign i have crap on my drers. Im not putting them to bed tonight, so that makes me happy north putting my kids to bedda. Thats the worst. You have to lie to them. Thats what we do, lie every day. Were just like, big day tomorrow. laughter get some rest. Youve got a big day tomorrow. Big day youre going to wake up and cry about broccoli. And keep us from having sex laughter sometimes they do have big days, though, these kids. Overscheduled. Last week my wife was like, you have to bring her to music, then swimming, then giof gymnastics. We should probably get a calendar. No, we should probably cancel some stuff. Start with gymnastics. That doesnt run in our family. I feel like you sign your kid up for gymnastics you have bring the parn in the room test the gene pool. Cartwheel, no, all right, we cant accept your child. laughter my daughter had ballet, and my wife is like, get her dressed. Shes got ballet. I said, really, i have to get her dressed . Maybe thats a sign these shooez not ready for the performing arts. Maybe i should bring her to how to get dressed. And then ill drop her off at listening. laughter yeah, she doesnt listen sometimes, you know. Shes in the bath the other night, my daughter. Come out of the bath. No,. Out of the tub. No im staying there for a couple of whielz. Fine stay in there a couple of whiles. Thats how crazy it is. You start speaking their language. And im standing there and i dont know how long a couple of whiles is, so i just wait a while, twice. Laugh just answering questions. Thats my life now. Thats what you do. When you have little kids, you answer a million questions. Every day is a huge press conference. It starts in the morning how come there are holes in my cheerios. Just eat it. What do you want to hear . Thats profit for General Mills my son wanted to know why the inside of our windows were frosted. Dude, thats science. I went to cag school. No clue. laughter when is magoing to be moment . Thats a big one i get. When is mom going to be home . Dont you think im wondering the same thing. I dont know. How about this, when i start paying attention to you, shes close. laughter applause when i put my phone on the counter, shes in the driveway you guys are great. Thank you. Stephen you can see him november 22 at Zanies Comedy Club in rosemont, illinois. Pat mcgann, everyone well be right back. Oooooooo. Awwwwww. Yummmm. Dennys new holiday pancakes are delicious. You guys can have some if you want. Order now at dennys. Com my name is jamir dixon and im a locafor pg e. Rk fieldman most people in the community recognize the blue trucks as pg e. My truck is something new. Its an 811 truck. When you call 811, i come out to your house and i mark out our gas lines and our electric lines to make sure that you dont hit them when youre digging. 811 is a free service. Im passionate about it because every time i go on the street i think about my own kids. Theyre the reason that i want to protect our community and our environment, and if me driving a that truck means that somebody gets to go home safer, then ill drive it every day of the week. Together, were building a better california. Late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be william h. Macy, jay pharoah, and musical guest rationale. Now, stick around for an allnew james corden with many guests including Neil Degrasse tyson. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentleal