Jon theodore. [ cheers and applause ] and now, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. We hope youre doing well. Now if you dont mind, were going to get to the news. Former President Trump appeared to fall asleep yesterday during Michael Cohens testimony for a full half hour. Again . [ laughter ] you know, i was excited for this trial, but it seems like the only thing were accomplishing is making sure that trump is well rested before the election. [ laughter ] Michael Cohen testified yesterday that the former president wasnt thinking about former First Lady Melania Trump when he told him to take care of the Stormy Daniels story. Yeah, no kidding. Id be surprised if he was thinking about her at the wedding. Just a few more vows until cake time. [ laughter ] former republican president ial candidate Vivek Ramaswamy today attended former President Trumps criminal hush money trial, though he had to be removed because he kept screaming, ill wait for you [ light laughter ] independent president ial candidate robert f. Kennedy jr. Is set to host a comedy show on wednesday in nashville. So if you like to laugh, check out his poll numbers. [ laughter ] Warner Brothers discovery has announced its developing two new films in the lord of the rings franchise, just as soon as gollum wraps up his court cases. [ laughter ] [ audience groans ] my precious. No, its not it is [ laughter ] a georgia man was arrested recently after he allegedly drove a lawn mower on a highway while drunk. Though, its only fair that his lawn mower was on the highway, since his car was definitely on his lawn. [ laughter ] thats right, a georgia man was arrested recently after he allegedly drove a lawn mower on a highway while drunk. Even worse, this was his third mui. [ light laughter ] [ laughter ] and finally, the juice brand welshs recently announced that its releasing four flavors of canned cocktails include vodka cranberry and Passion Fruit mojito. Parents, be warned, they may look like theyre for little kids, but these drinks are intended strictly for high schoolers. [ laughter ] that was the monologue, everybody [ cheers and applause ] we are off and running. Weve got a great show for you tonight. You know him from incredible hits like married with children and modern family. He stars in the new limited fx series clipped, which premieres on hulu next month. Ed oneill is back on the show everybody. [ cheers and applause ] shes a is very funny comedian you know from shows like fboy island and lovers and liars. Her standup special someday youll die, is streaming now on max, nikki glaser is back on the show everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hes a best selling author. His latest book table for two, is out now, amor towles is on the show. [ cheers and applause ] check out a new episode of family trips. We have Johnny Knoxville and elna baker. It is a very fun conversation. You guys, moving on here at late night every night, i deliver a monologue made up of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to my being a straight white male would be difficult for me to deliver, but we dont think that should stop you from enjoying them, so we would like to share them with you now in a segment we like to call jokes seth cant tell. [ cheers and applause ] seth hey, everybody, these are two of our writers, thats amber, thats jenny. Im black. And im gay and were both women. Seth and im not. So heres how it works. Ill read the set ups to these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. Here we go. A county in california recently set aside 7. 5 million for an africanamerican Wellness Center its just a giant target where no one asks, do you work here . [ laughter ] seth the show greys anatomy recently brought back a popular lesbian character but only so she could fix the ambulance. [ laughter ] seth an africanamerican museum in illinois is searching for a new executive director i think im qualified to do that, said a white guy. [ laughter ] seth, be honest. Do you think you could run an africanamerican museum . Seth no. Seth . seth i do think i could bring a lot of perspective to the role. [ light laughter ] i knew it i knew it. Seth a woman in oregon recently set the world Guinness Record for largest tongue circumference said the womans girlfriend, i do. Seth jenny. [ laughter ] jenny, apologize to that woman. [ sighs ] im sorry. [ laughter ] seth secretary of transportation Pete Buttigieg recently visited a black community in alabama said the community, j. Crew is that way. Seth amber, do you shop at j. Crew . Yes, every year on your birthday [ laughter ] seth singer jojo siwa recently claimed she invented a new kind of music called gay pop. Incidentally, gay pop is also what elton johns children call him. [ laughter ] seth black lawmakers recently reintroduced the crown act to ban hair discrimination for everyone except white people with dreadlocks. [ light laughter ] seth hey, amber, when is it appropriate for white people to have dreadlocks . When theyre trying to get on my nerves. Seth okay. A new docuseries will explore the lives of queer mormon teens its called here comes therapy. [ light laughter ] seth the federal government has unveiled new rules to protect coal miners from black lung you can tell you have black lung when you exhale and it makes this sound aaaaaaaaaahh [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ] seth you were so confident all week. [ laughter ] [ laughs ] and you remember who had doubts . Do you remember who had doubts . Seth had doubts seth yeah. So maybe i could be the executive director of that museum. [ laughter ] according to a do you want to try one more time. Yeah. Seth yeah, black lung, here we go. Um, but uh seth just do the note you can tell when you have black lung when you exhale and it makes this sound, aahh [ laughter ] its worse each time i do it. Seth yeah i did it one time right seth . Seth you did do it one time right out of like nine. Yeah, yeah. Seth and i was like, are you sure youre one for nine. Are you sure youre going to nail it on air . And you were like absolutely. [ laughter ] seth according to a recent article, young people have started to referring to whiteribbed tank tops as wife pleasers also referred to as wife pleasers, lesbians. Seth oh, my god. [ laughter ] jenny, do you wear a lot of tank tops . Oh, i only wear tank tops. Seth yeah, but thats not a tank top. Not yet. [ light laughter ] seth oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] so many tops. So many tops. Is this enough of a tank is this im sorry. Seth thats great. Im going to take these. Hey, seth hey seth, yeah, cover up [ light laughter ] seth yeah. Hey, seth, why dont you tell one . Seth no, you guys i couldnt tell one. Are you kidding me . Seth, come on just one seth no, i dont think it would end well if i do it. Just one seth please. Seth okay. The nations first allblack Radio Station is launching this month and black people cant wait to blast it at a red light. [ light laughter ] Seth Seth Seth i think that was all right. Let me try agains have opened a restaurant in palm springs called alice b. Its short for alice be gay. [ light laughter ] how dare you . seth you told me it would be okay you should be ashamed of yourself seth im wearing lesbian sleeves. [ laughter ] im an ally [ laughter ] black women and lesbians are liars [ cheers and applause ] seth well be right back with ed oneill. I told myself i was ok with my moderate to severe Rheumatoid Arthritis symptoms. With my Psoriatic Arthritis symptoms. But just ok isnt ok. And i was done settling. If you still have symptoms after a tnf blocker like humira or enbrel, rinvoq is different and may help. Rinvoq is a oncedaily pill that can rapidly relieve joint pain, stiffness, and swelling in ra and psa. Relieve fatigue. And stop further joint damage. And in psa, can leave skin clear or almost clear. Rinvoq can lower your ability to fight infections, including tb. Serious infections and blood clots, some fatal; cancers, including lymphoma and skin; heart attack, stroke, and gi tears occurred. People 50 and older with a Heart Disease risk factor have an increased risk of death. Serious allergic reactions can occur. Tell your doctor if you are or may become pregnant. Done settling . Ask your rheumatologist for rinvoq. And take back whats yours. Abbvie could help you save. If youre someone who says, if only there was a delicious, spicy, chicken sandwich at mcdonalds. You should know. Theres literally the spicy mccrispy. He needs protection that goes beyond. Dove men with 72h protection and 1 4 moisturizer. So he can forget his underarms and focus on being unforgettable. Dove men. Forgettable underarms, unforgettable you. You know those mornings when it takes just atable little bit extraerarms, to get you out of bed . This might be it. Wake up to the goodness of jimmy dean. [ cheers and applause ] seth give it up for the fantastic 8g band, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] back with us tonight on drums, hes played with renowned groups like the mars volta, one day is a lion, and golden. Hes a member of Grammy Nominated rock band queens of the stone age who are currently out on tour in support of their latest album, in times new roman. From baltimore, one of our favorites, jon theodore is here [ cheers and applause ] great to have you back. Thank you. Seth always a pleasure. Our first guest tonight is an emmy nominated actor you know from shows such as married with children and modern family. He stars in the new limited fx series clipped which premieres on hulu june 4th. Lets take a look. Wheres my favorite coach . Doc . Donald. Bet youre glad youre out of boston. I love boston. Did doc tell you when he used to play for me . Well, you were here, sandy, minus about 20 pounds here. Listen, donald, i would like to get into some personnel issues. Good. Andy, are you oh, yeah. Oh, come on, back to work seth please welcome back to the show, our friend, ed oneill everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back good to be back. Thank you, nice to see you. Seth were happy to have you back on the show. Were happy to have you back in new york city. I didnt realize this. So before married with children, which is the role that, i mean, changed your life, safe to say, you spent ten years in new york as an actor. Is that yes, yes, yes. And around this neighborhood, too. Seth so, you came here, you were doing broadway stuff . Did broadway, did regional theater. You know, all the you know. Playwrights horizons and philadelphia drama guild. Seth i mean, it must have been a hard time, but was it an exciting time . Did you like to be a young actor in new york . Well, i was young. Seth yeah, everythings exciting. [ laughter ] you know, it was great. Seth and is it true that you sort of got your first break because somebody you were an understudy and you got to go on stage for a couple of nights . I was the understudy and for some reason i thought for sure i was going to, you know, get the part. You know, i got it. But its because they fired the guy. Seth oh, really . [ laughter ] so, could you see it going that way . Were you thinking, i think hes going to get fired . Yes. No, and ill tell you how i knew it was going that way, because it was about a boxer, and i had done some boxing. Seth okay. Well, i mean, amateur. Seth right. And this guy had never did. And so, it was danny ayala was the star and i was the bad guy and i had to make him look good. Well, you know, if you know basic boxing, i knew i was looking him look better than the other guy. Seth oh, there you go. So, i knew yeah. Seth it wasnt that you looked better than the other guy, you made the star look better. Thats right, seth. Seth what about your early new york apartments . Oh, those were sad. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] i mean the one was in gramercy park, and that sounds good. Seth it does sound good. It wasnt. And it was [ laughter ] it was right across the street from mother cabrini. It was a tenement. Seth okay. An actual tenement. Rats, the whole thing. And i used come out in the morning, there was a stoop, and there were these young kids on the stoop. Not in school. Seth yeah. And if i was going anywhere, i would bribe them. I would give them like a couple of bucks not to rob me. Seth really . [ laughter ] i would say, dont rob me, dont go back in when i leave. Dont rob me. Seth yeah. I mean, if they were smart enough to get them to give you money, they didnt need school. And really [ light laughter ] seth yeah. There was nothing in the apartment to rob anyways. Seth right . Exactly. Yeah, you probably should have just given them a key and be like, do you worst. Yeah, yeah e [ laughter ] exactly, exactly. I think the rent was like 20 bucks a month or something. Seth thats really ridiculous. Seth i mean, yeah. It wasnt worth it. Seth no, you couldnt [ laughter ] i mean, they wont let you lie down on the sidewalk in gramercy for 20 bucks now. No. [ laughter ] seth you ill never forget, last time you were here, we talked about fact that you actually had a tryout with my beloved pittsburgh steelers. Yes. Seth so, youd come out of school and you actually went to Training Camp with the pittsburgh steelers. Yes. Seth do you think about it as often as i do . Because its your memory. I do. [ laughter ] i got cut in 19 my rookie year, 1969. Seth how far into were you the last round of cuts . Two weeks. Seth okay, so two weeks. Yeah. Not the last round. Seth yeah. But i was i did okay. It was the my problem was that i was out trying to play outside linebacker, and i never played the position. So i was trying to make the team and learn the position at the same time, which is not recommended. [ light laughter ] but i have a funny story about and it just recently occurred to me, it was funny. [ laughter ] i think its funny. Seth all right, well find out ill try it out on you. Seth yeah, yeah. Well find out. When i got cut, so were talking about 1969. I was 23 years old. Every year since then, i would have a recurring dream. Like, at least once a year. And the dream would be, i was on the sidelines in latrobe at st. Vincents college where the training [ clapping ] where the Training Camp is. [ light laughter ] in uniform. But now im 24. Seth yeah. It was a year later. And the coach would say, you know, youre going in on the next series. I would say, okay, coach. You know, i get another shot. Id go in, and then i would wake up. This happened all the way, every year, im always the same im a different age. Im the age i actually am. Seth so when youre 50, youre 50 on the sidelines. Its going too long, isnt it . No, the last time i had it, i was on the sidelines, same scenario. Youre going in. Youre going to be fine. I would say, yeah, coach. You know im 77 years old. [ laughter ] and he said, youll be fine [ laughter ] and i said, i think im done. [ laughter ] and i never had the dream again. [ laughter and applause ] seth i love it its true seth i love that your subconscious held on until you were 77. It was incredible seth do you remember how when they cut you, how did you find out . Was it like is it like when you watch shows like hard knocks, where its like somebody says, hey, can we talk to you real quick . Yeah, yeah. No, bring your playbook. Seth yeah, bring your playbook. So, i knew, you know, when i brought the playbook and went up. And this is another thing, i didnt remember this until recently. The whole the whole conversation with coach noll. And how it played out was, we love you, you know, they give you the birdseed. Seth yeah, yeah, yeah. And weve got to let you go. And i said, okay, fine. I go, thanks, it was great. And he said, by the way, i talked to coach culherrich with the eagles and theyre desperate for linebackers, so how about we rent you a car, you drive down the p. A. Pike to philly and theyll give you a good look. But i have to know right now, because theyve got to fill the spot. And i said, uh no. [ laughter ] seth wow. Thats amazing. I forgot that seth yeah and i said, no, im done. Seth thats great. He said, youre done . And i said, yeah, im sick of it. Seth well, thats really good. Im glad you actually got to like i know. Seth have a hand in your own exit but can you imagine i didnt remember that. Seth yeah. I mean, based on that, im glad you didnt continue to play football. Exact i was already [ laughter ] seth if your memory was already that bad. Well, i must have been concussed. [ laughter ] you play donald sterling. This is the story, 2014, owner of the clippers. Yeah. Seth basically how he lost the team. Yes. Seth due to some some pretty abhorrent behavior. You do you approach the role differently when youre playing a real person . No. Seth okay. [ laughter ] i mean, i probably should seth. Seth yeah. But, look, what youre doings working, ed. I wouldnt change up. I mean, its not because im lazy, although i am. I like to [ laughter ] i just read the script, you know . Seth sure. And the script was written by gena welsh, who had worked with david milch, who was a good friend of mine. I had done two series for david. Serious ones. Seth yeah. And neither one made it. But it was big apple and john from cincinnati. Anyway, shes a wonderful writer. So, when i read the script, i thought, i didnt think i was going to do the part, though. You know what i mean . I thought, oh, i dont know. Donald sterling. Seth sure. So, i had a lunch set up with her. And on the way to this restaurant to have lunch, i was already forming my speech of why im not going to do it, you know. So, i get there, and shes such a nice woman and shes were talking and shes saying, you know, oh, you can do this. Its going to be great. And i said, sure, ill do it. [ laughter ] and again, its like the dream. Seth yeah. You know, im thinking, what did i just say . Seth yeah. [ laughter ] i like all of these stories are you just making a decision like immediately. Like that seth yeah. Its true seth you should just start bringing your coin with you. Well, its like [ laughter ] it depends on what room im in. What person i am. Seth but yet, obviously, you i mean, you know, things have gone well. You should continue to trust your instincts. Is there anything again, real person, is there something a little bit fun playing someone whos a bit villainous . You know, i hate to say it is, but it is. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] i mean, if youre playing john gotti or al capone or, you know seth yeah. Idi amin. Seth yeah. You probably shouldnt play idi amin. Not idi amin. [ laughter ] seth its just im just worried about you, because based on how im hearing, somebodys going to ask, and youre going to be like, yeah. Yeah. [ laughter ] it is fun. Seth yeah. It is it was fun because this character was inadvertently funny. Seth yeah. He could be charming, he could be something else, as we know. And it was a challenging part, really. It was quite challenging. Seth it seemed like there was some challenging hair work for you. There was. Seth now how much there was. Seth how much of this is ed over here . Well, that wasnt a fullonzg things. Seth its really, its truly its some kind of fitted thing. And then, they did a kind of tan like, he liked the seth he had a fake tan. Fake tan. And then the glasses. You know, i really dont i think im wearing them there. But he had certain glasses that were kind of strange. Seth we you mentioned it and then, we dug it up. This is not the most makeup youve had to do. So, tell us about this role. Well, that was a tenhour mini series for nbc called the tenth kingdom. Seth the tenth kingdom. And i played a character called relish the troll king. Seth okay. [ laughter ] i want to note, the tenth kingdom got less applause than latrobe, pennsylvania. Well, yes. [ laughter ] yeah, and i im not surprised. But the thing was, i thought it was going to be a fun, simple role. And i didnt realize it was prosthetics. Seth yeah. Which meant two hours into this drag, and an hour and a half out. Seth yeah. I cant believe it only took you two hours to get you into this. Because this is a far way from ed oneill. [ laughter ] and the worst part is, it looks like me. [ laughter ] seth and when its done, youre like, they didnt need to do that much work. Well, when i said that, i said that i had two children. I had troll children in this, and they didnt look anything like what they looked like with it off. And i mentioned that to the producer. I said, why do i look like me . [ laughter ] and he said, because were paying you more [ laughter ] seth well, thats fair. Hey, always such a pleasure to talk to you. Congrats on the new show. [ cheers and applause ] ed oneill, everyone. Fxs clipped premieres on tuesday, june 4th on hulu. Stick around, well be right back with nikki glaser. [ cheers and applause ] imagine a future where plastic is not wasted. But instead remade over and over. Into the things that keep our food fresher, our families safer, and our planet cleaner. To help us get there, americas plastic makers are investing billions of dollars to create Innovative Products and new recycling technologies for sustainable change. Because when you push for smarter solutions, big things can happen. vo its shrimp your way. Because when you push for smarter solutions, choose three flavors for just 20. Like new street corn shrimp. And our famous garlic shrimp scampi. Its time to grab some cheddar bays and get flavorfull. Hurry in to try shrimp your way, only at red lobster. Feeling claritin clear is like. [cat meow] is she . Letting her imagination run wild even though she has allergies. Yeah. Neutrogena beach defense blocks 97 of burning uv rays for vital sun protection. So you can get more out of all your days in the sun. More protection. More sun. More joy. Neutrogena. Can i have some mikes please . Was this guys day hard enough for a mikes hard lemonade, hank . I dont know, was it . stadium cheering hop to it, bunny boy hard days deserve a hard lemonade whats the worst part of the locker room . Shareef axe. Axe. Brandon i like that. Shareef reminds me of like a designer store. Brandon this smells like a candle. Shareef is this a joke . You chose axe brandon i knew i had good taste shareef i thought that was a designer brand. Youre really making all of this by hand. Oh yeah. The avocados are hand mashed, the chips are hand tossed. And everything is made fresh you make it fresh every day. Yes, every day. The chipotle way is we make it fresh every day. Sounds delicious. And done. Can we just call my dad now . Ohh. Ahh gorilla glue. Of course. Gorilla glue is incredibly strong and versatile, even outdoors. For the toughest jobs on planet earth [ cheers and applause ] seth our next guest is a very funny comedian and the host of shows like fboy island and lovers and liars. Her standup special, someday youll die is streaming now on max. Lets take a look. I look at being a mom and i think, its too hard to be a mom for me. I just actually, no, its not hard to be a mom, its hard to be a good mom. Thats its easy to be a bad mom. Thats so easy. [ cheers and applause ] but to be a good mom is hard. To be a bad mom, thats as easy as being a great dad. Thats [ laughter ] thats what that is. Yeah. [ cheers and applause ] its a cakewalk. You know it. Seth please welcome back to the show, nikki glaser, everybody [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back hi, thank you for having me back. Its good to be here. Seth well, lets get started. Lets talk about the tom brady roast. Yeah. Seth youre absolutely on a night where there were so many funny people. So many, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] seth you had a standout set. Thank you. Seth what is the feedback been like . I mean, its been insane. Its been the best week of my life. Nothing will ever even get close to this, no matter what i do in my career. Its its unprecedented that you get this much attention as a comedian for something you do. I think the next time people talk about me as much as if i die tragically. Seth oh wow. I think thats the only way. [ light laughter ] that my face will be everywhere. Like i open my phone and my face was showing up. Like that doesnt i was taylor swift for a day. Seth oh, my god. [ laughter ] it really felt that way. I was like, this is what its like. Seth not a lot of people even get to be taylor swift for a day. I know. Seth it was a long i wanna ask. So its a the long threehour roast. Yeah. Seth you go early. Youre in the first hour. Yeah. Seth did you know for the second two hours how well it had gone . You know, with i was like stealing glances at my cell phone and it was lighting up. Like, it was the numbers were getting in the hundreds of texts coming in. So i felt like, okay, i nailed it. People are watching this live. I didnt sense how big it was until i think after i left and started looking online and seeing people talking about it. But, like, yeah, i obviously knew i had done well. And then you see other performances and you can kind of like base yourself around them. But i think the real thing about this that popped is that its live. And so usually, its edited. [ l] like, i work really hard and i usually walk away being like, i had one of the best sets of the night. But when they air, everyone its edited, so everyone looks like they did that well. And so this was the first seth right, the editing like levels everybody out. Yeah. And ive never been annoyed by it, ive just been like, oh, thats great for the show. But this time it was kind of like obvious. And it was treated because it was like a celebrating tom brady, like an athletic endeavor of like, there has to be a winner. Seth yeah. So it was a weird thing to walk out of and people being like, you won i was like, i didnt even know this was a competition, but it is awesome to have won one thing in my life. Seth i knew yeah, give it up give it up [ cheers and applause ] i mean i hate when i hate when people are like, i never win anything. But i really like, i always was like getting trophies of like most dedicated performer, like most improved. Like those are always the trophies i got in i got most improved twice in a row. Two years in a row. [ light laughter ] seth that meant that the first improvement wasnt enough. It wasnt that good. Seth you still had enough room to improve more than anyone else. Yes yes seth so you mentioned that you did this in the past. So i think, you know, certainly, i had an expectation for how well you would do. Because you know how much work has to go into this, did you know much about tom brady . No. I mean, i was really being honest at the roast when i said that i only got into football when taylor swift said it was okay, like, in the fall. Like [ cheers and applause ] i didnt care about it. And now i genuinely do. I know that people are like, oh, the bandwagon swiftys getting onboard, but i really i care about football in a real way now. Like i get it now. I wasnt paying attention before. And then the brady booking happened and i go, oh, im going to dig it even more. I just watched a ton of his documentaries and i learned like how to train for something through watching him. And i was it was early enough in the process that i was like, im going to tom brady this roast. Like im going to [ light laughter ] im going to be pliable and give myself rest. Usually im just like so hardcore and i burn out and right before the roast, i have like a meltdown. This was like, i went in very confident and i went in with that kind of like sixth round draft pick like delusion of im the best decision this organization has ever made kind of thing. Seth yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] and i literally, like, i heard that tom brady was going to kind of make the decision about who gets to be on the dais. And i was telling robbie at netflix who i was talking to, i was like i want this roast. And he was like, well see what happens. I have a meeting with tom today. And i go, you tell tom im the tom brady of roasting. Seth wow. And that this is and i did not know what that even meant at that point. I just knew it would get through to him in some way. And i think it did, but then i actually did tb12 it. Like i really i really was just like, just work as hard work harder than anyone else, and itll work out, is kind of his method. Seth it was it really did pay off. Im wondering, what have you learned from doing roasts . Because one of the things i was noting during your set, because the jokes were vicious. Yeah. Seth but you also have this really nice move of apologizing. Thats new. Seth and smiling. Theres a lot of like, im so sorry, im so sorry, as if its not 100 the decision you made. I know. [ laughter ] im so glad youre calling me out on that, seth, because seth but its great. It like makes it go down smoother. Thank you. That is something that i realized watching old roast sets, and someone actually commented to me, like, oh, youre apologizing more. Im like, thats because im a better person than i was when i started doing these that i actually do feel bad. But the thing is, theyve asked for it. So i have an excuse of like, this is the job im doing, and i can still at the same time hold this, like, kind of, sorrow and pity over having to say these words, while also saying them. So i felt like those moments, i was able to, for the first time, like inject my real self which is like, what am i doing. Like, what gives me a right seth now, i should stress, i didnt think you were sorry at all. [ laughter ] i actually was i really was because these are my friends, and like also i know how its like to be on the receiving end of it. Like this [ bleep ], it stings, man. Seth well that is a whole nother part of it. People will laugh it off, but it gets in and you think about it later. And it will itll make you make appointments at a med spa that you should not be spending 10,000 at right after a roast where they compared you to looking like larry bird. I was like, im gonna fix that. [ laughter ] and i went in and i spent a lot at a place that claimed to do the kardashians. They do not. She took a picture there once. Seth and they have a thats called a debirding, right . Yes. Seth but you but it is like you mentioned that like debirding. Seth tom brady signs up for it, but you all the roasters do as well, right . Yeah. Seth like you know that you can make jokes about your colleagues. Yes. Seth and then, in turn, theyre going to make fun of you. Yes. Seth and and so i was wondering, im like, so for like two hours, you, one, knew you killed, but also knew for the next two hours, pretty much every single comedian to go up would have at least one yes. Seth and so it just must have been such a weird emotional thing to juggle. Im like just im hoping they call me a whore, because i know that i am. And so i [ laughter ] seth so youll feel seen. Yeah, ill feel like, okay, they really get who i am. Yeah, call me a whore, i can take that. Say im not funny, i just proved that wrong. But coming for my looks or my age, they told me they told Bill Belichick to date someone his own age, like nikki glaser and i thought was really funny. I mean, im turning 40 which is the age where suddenly like eligible bachelors for you are in their 80s and its like not weird. Theyre like, yeah, hes youre age. And youre like, what . Suddenly this world of old men opens up to you. But yeah, so, i was worried about the age things, because im about to turn 40, its just sensitive. But i really, i felt so i felt so detached from being like a sex symbol that night. Like i felt like i was a comedian that night. And then sometimes i try to balance both of those, especially on like a big stage like that. So i was like, say what you want about my looks. Like, yeah, some of it has stung a little bit later, but it just yeah, i feel like im also im both confident enough in my old age that i can handle the jokes about it. Seth stop saying old age to someone who just turned 50. [ laughter ] just give me a [ bleep ] break, all right . 50 is 40. [ laughter ] seth youre like, oh, im 50, im 40. You look so no, theres nothing more annoying than someone younger than you talking about theyre old. Im sorry. Seth yeah, i know, and youve been doing it for like a long whole thats really true. [ laughter ] like what does that make you then . really old seth i have another question, which i was surprised to hear because again, it makes me really happy, because obviously you have very supportive parents. They were there. Yeah. Seth your parents came. Yes, oh, my god. I fly them out to anything fun. Seth thats great. And did they were they theyre not here tonight, but thats not because this isnt fun. I wanted to make [ laughter ] i was like, if you dont like [ talking ] seth youre like, theyre here at anything fun. Im like, lets see where oh, okay, [ bleep ] off. They are so excited they went hard that night. And really treated it like my wedding night. Like, it kind of was. Its the big most attention ill ever get, like, and my mom is just going around going being like, wasnt she the best, saying it to other roasters. Like, it was like really [ light laughter ] she went up to tom brady, im nikkis mom. Wasnt she great . Im like, dont make him have to even have to think about me. Hes mad he even had to learn my name. Hes gonna forget it before he gets to the car. Like and then, i was just trying to keep them away from people. And my dad someone was someone was smoking in the kia forum and my dad really hates cigarette smoke. Hes, oh, what is this . Hes so offended by it, he like complained about it. And then he later found out, he was like it was Dave Chappelle smoking inside. [ laughter ] as hes allowed to do. Seth right, yeah. Yeah, we all know this. Seth i think he has a waiver in any arena. Yes. Anywhere Dave Chappelle is turns to france, suddenly. [ light laughter ] theres no rules. But i later told my dad, and he was like, well, its still secondhand smoke, lung cancer. I was like, you should be so lucky to get lung cancer from Dave Chappelle. [ laughter ] that could be the best kind. But later on, i thought he was Dave Chappelle came into my green room smoking and i thought my dad was going to say something, but he was like, gimme a cig. Like Dave Chappelle is so cool, my dad is like, im smoking now. Seth yeah, yeah, good. [ laughter ] and just it was amazing, yes. Seth you have a new special as well, which is fantastic. You wrote a song for the special. Yeah, yes i did. Seth tell us the name of the song . Its called, someday youll die, its also the name of the special. And i didnt have any money to use to get a cool song for the credits and i was over budget. Spray tans and fake hair and lighting and everything. And so seth it looks beautiful, by the way. So, the money, you can see the money, which is they did amazing. It really thank you. [ applause ] theyll really appreciate that. But its a stunning special, but yeah, i was like and they go, its going to be like 20,000 of your own pocket to get a song that maybe fits in there. And i go, i should just write one. And then they were like, you should. And so i just i did. And it was my first song i ever wrote, and its this people are calling are it like the song of the summer. Seth are they really . Yeah. [ laughter ] ive heard that. Seth its called someday youll die and its the song of the summer . Someday youll die. Yeah, and its like good to play with your fam like its for your families. Seth im glad you mentioned that because this is this is a video of your niece and nephew. Yes, they are in on this song. Seth how old are they . Two and just turned five. My niece just turned five. Seth two and five i would guess is not the right audience for a song called someday youll die. But they will. Seth lets take a look and just like we all will. Seth they do seem to enjoy it. Lets take a look. Someday youll die someday youll die someday youll die seth you know who hates that video . Whoever makes those car seats. Theyre like, oh [ laughter ] i dont need kids singing someday youll die in our car seats. Its so good. Youre the best seth congrats on the roast, the special, the song of the summer. [ cheers and applause ] of the summer. Thank you seth. Seth you guys, thats nikki glaser. Someday youll die streaming on max. Check out her roast on netflix. Well be right back with amor towles. [ cheers and applause ] tstepper by ini ] man ooh woman 1 haha woman 2 hmm hmm woman 3 ha ha you want thicker, stronger, fuller hair . You need expert skincare. New dove scalp hair therapy serum active skincare ingredients targets the source of beautiful hair. Your scalp for visibly thicker, stronger, fuller hair. Maria and julio thought their life would never slow down. Then one day, it finally did. You were made to find inner peace. 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[ cheers and applause ] seth our next guest is a bestselling author whose latest book, a table for two, is on sale now. The tv adaptation of his fantastic novel, a gentlemen in moscow airs sunday nights on showtime. Lets take a look. According to local folklore, there is a tree deep within the forest with fruit as black as coal. And if you can find this tree and eat of its fruit, you can start your life anew. So would you . Would i what . Would you take the bite . How could i possibly relinquish the memory of this . Seth please welcome back to the show, amor towles everybody [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back. Good to be back. Seth i loved your book, a gentlemen in moscow, and i think the show is fantastic. Im wondering as someone who provides obviously, the source material for an adaptation like this, do they send you cuts of the show as theyre making it . Thats sort of a setup for this, is about im friends with Michael Lewis seth okay. Who wrote moneyball, seth money ball. And the big short, and has had multiple books turned into films. So, were friends and were having lunch about a year and a half ago, and he said, hows it going . And i said, well, they just sent me the drafts of the first two episodes and theyve asked me for my feedback, but i think theyre just being polite. There was a pause, and michael says, amor, theyre definitely just being polite. [ light laughter ] and not only do they not want to know what you think, they wish you were dead. [ laughter ] and i was like, okay, yeah, all right. Seth easier to adapt a dead writers book. Yeah, thats sort of the idea i guess. Seth now, sometimes there are scenes where i imagine the dialogue is almost word for word what youve written and other times, due to the you know, the constraints of an adaptation, theyre not. How do you find yourself reacting differently when youre watching . Yeah, absolutely. So, when youre watching a scene and its exactly word for word as its in the book, my response is usually, oh, thats very good. [ laughter ] thats a really nice scene, you know. And so then but then when its something that theyve invented, i start to fidget a little bit in my seat. So im watching the fourth episode, i think it is, with my wife, and theres a scene where the count is talking to his childhood friend, mischka, and its very emotional. I didnt write it, so im getting a little edgy. And it goes on and on, and so finally, im turning to my wife to sort of express my moderate indignation. And shes going, boohoo, and im like, honey, i didnt even write that scene, and she goes, but its so beautiful. Its like, all right. Seth i never react emotionally to your writing. [ laughter ] thats exactly right. Seth there was that scene we showed there, the clip, ewans talking about a tree. Yes. Seth its very evocative, and was that based on something you had seen . Yeah, well so in the story, as the count says, its sort of this moment of folklore, comes from the folklore. And well, late in the series, they were shooting out in the countryside, and going on set, its so meticulous. You know, the set people, the props people, the costume people. Theyre doing such a careful job, and theyre so impressive. So theyre shooting out in the countryside and the head writer, ben, sends me an email saying, amor, we found your tree. You know, so and i was so im looking at it, and theres this giant tree with black apples. And im like, i send him an email back, ben, this is just incredible. Like, its really amazing. And you know, of course, i made that up, right . And an email comes back like that saying, yeah, and you know the trees fake, right . [ laughter ] and im like, yeah, yeah, i was so on to that. Yeah, i could tell. I could tell. [ laughter ] and so then they all come to town for the premiere, and the day after the premiere, i come home for lunch and this is hanging on my doorknob. Seth oh, the black apple. Which is, you know, which is that real, you know . So i was like, thanks, guys. Seth so your new book, six short stories and a novella. Yes. Seth i felt very it really reminded me of the way ive somehow behaved when i thought it was time to write something. Theres a story about a writer, a young writer. Yeah. Seth who feels like he doesnt have any stories to tell. He had an uninteresting life, and hes waiting for the interesting thing to happen that he can write a story about. Is that something that reflected your experience as a writer . Yeah, its not an autobiographical story exactly, but yes, i grew up in a suburb. So it was the Biggest Challenges were shoveling snow, raking leaves, painting the fence. Those were the jobs and stuff. Seth yeah. So you do, kind of as a young writer, youre reading faulkner or dostoevsky, and im like, ooh, this isnt good. You know, i have not had what i need to become a writer my seth by the way, dostoevsky, what he wouldnt give to have raked a leaf. [ light laughter ] thats true, thats true. Meanwhile, im like my parents havent even had the courtesy to be alcoholics, you know. [ laughter ] cause then we would have something to work with. Seth just give me a Little Something just give me a Little Something to work with. So, yes, the young man is kind of wrestling with this lack of experiences, and yes, of course, the story, the experiences come to find him. I enjoyed that you made it clear that this story took place ten years after the invention of the personal computer, but he still goes to a store and buys like, paper and pens, and i feel theres a lot of that, i dont know theres a bit of ceremony when youre a writer yeah. Seth and youre like, if i just get the write pens, all the ideas will come. Yes yes, the right chair, the right time of day, you know, the right food. Seth just sit there. And nothing happens. And then, the genius the genius will follow. Seth is it harder with, you know, obviously, youve a shorter smaller real estate when youre writing short stories. And being a writer, it only works if people have empathy for your characters. Is it trickier to build that empathy over the course of 30 pages versus a full novel . Yeah, its a big part of the challenge. And its part of the fun, too, because the nature of a short story, thats different from a novel is, its not about something unfolding. Youre slowly getting to know a character and the family or what have you. And seeing the events that accumulate. In the short story, youre dropped in. Both as the writer and the reader, and you have to meet the person its almost like youre sitting in a restaurant overhearing an argument between a man and a woman. And you dont know the context, its you know, you can hear it fullon, and youre going to leave without knowing how it concludes. Thats sort of the nature of a short story. So, you have to bring the reader in to that moment, make it feel vivid and the people real, because youre not going to get to finish to tell them how it all unfolds in the end. Seth the bootlegger, one of the stories, is based on a thing that actually happened. Yeah, when i was in my 30s, my wife and i i saw that the worldfamous pianist, evgeny kissin, was coming to Carnegie Hall for the first time in america. And i thought, oh, thats something we should do. You know, so i convinced my wife we should go, and we paid for nice tickets and dressed up and went to dinner and we arrived in Carnegie Hall, were sitting down and an old guy in a trench coat comes in and sits next to me. And i noticed that sticking out of the sleeve of his coat are two little black stems and i realized, oh, my god, hes recording the concert, in Carnegie Hall of all places. And the musician starts to play, kissin starts to play, but im all wrapped up in the guy. Seth yeah. And by now im like, oh, im going to turn this guy in. [ light laughter ] at the intermission, im going to storm out there, get security, and well come back and be like, this man is bootlegging, right now and sort of in the, to defend Musical Artists everywhere, some sort of minor superhero was kind of my thing. But the irony of this story was that, the next morning, the New York Times reported that kissin had the longest standing ovation in recent memory at Carnegie Hall and i do not remember him playing. [ light laughter ] you know, because i was spending the whole time, you know, mad at the guy next to me, and imagining what would happen. Seth yeah. So, yeah. Seth so the good news is, there is a recording if you want to hear it. [ laughter ] so thats there is something thats true. Its out there. Seth yeah, its out there. On ebay, i could probably find it. Seth yeah, you could probably find it. Hey, thanks so much for being here. I really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] amor towles, everybody, a table for two, on sale now and a gentlemen in moscow airs sunday nights on showtime. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more late night. luke this will be a gold mine of local intel. Just you wait. marci right. So, tell us about this corn festival . stylist 1 oooh you got your corn pudding. You got your corn chowder. marci so. Is it safe around here . stylist 2 sometimes. luke if a family of eight were to need a cold plunge, where would they find it . stylist 1 . And then they dip it in butter, then bam, it goes right in. stylist 2 . Really cute vampire bar. stylist 1 the reverend does like a blessing on the corn. luke donut shops. How far from here . marci no eyebrows . luke think of how light itll feel in the summer. Weve got to run. Eleven thousand more neighborhoods to go vo ding dong homesdotcom. Whats the worst part of the locker room . Shareef axe. Axe. Brandon i like that. Shareef reminds me of like a designer store. Brandon this smells like a candle. Shareef is this a joke . You chose axe brandon i knew i had good taste shareef i thought that was a designer brand. At university of maryland global campus, getting a bachelors degree doesnt have to mean starting from scratch. 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Both cash reward . And theres a cash bonus when you open a new Checking Account to get you started. Wow. Anything you cant do . mugs. Bmo announcer come join the audience at late night live in studio 8g. For tickets, head over to latenightsethtickets. Com. Follow us latenightseth on all social media platforms. Subscribe to late night seth on youtube. Find us online at latenightseth. Com. And subscribe to the late night podcast, featuring a closer look, guest interviews, and more. Available wherever you listen to podcasts. A slow network is no network for business. Thats why more choose comcast business. And now, were introducing ultimate speed for business our fastest plans yet. Were up to 12 times faster than verizon, at t, and tmobile. And existing customers could even get up to triple the speeds. At no additional cost. Its ultimate speed for ultimate business. Dont miss out on our fastest speed plans yet switch to comcast business and get started for 49. 99 a month. Plus, ask how to get up to an 800 prepaid card. Call today [ cheers and applause ] seth i want to thank my guests ed oneill, nikki glazer, amor towles everybody i want to thank jon theodore and the 8g band. Thanks for watching everybody. We love you. [ cheers and applause ]