Trumps impeachment trial to begin next Tuesday Morning and he says it could last as long as later that Tuesday Morning [ light laughter ] the white house said, yesterday, that President Trump will likely assert executive privilege to limit what his aides can say during his impeachment trial and hes working with the makers of taboo on a fun way to do it [ laughter ] [ imitates buzzer democrats held their latest primary debate tonight, and former Vice President joe biden and senator Bernie Sanders were placed at the center podiums, instead of where theyre usually placed, in the balcony [ laughter ] president [ applause ] President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump attended last nights College Football national championship, and stood on the field during the National Anthem and a little bit during the first quarter. [ laughter ] theyre still cheering. Im not going to my seat till they stop cheering. [ laughter ] oreo announced yesterday they will be releasing a limited edition most stuffed cookie that has extra cream filling. And if you want to eat that, youd probably eat most stuff. [ laughter ] macys has announced itll close 28 stores in the coming weeks due to declining sales theyre also making some cutbacks to the parade [ laughter ] boxer tyson fury revealed yesterday that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So im guessing the fight is with his roommate. Dude, close the door. [ laughter ] a brooklyn man was arrested at a Catholic Church on sunday for allegedly pouring juice on the altar and splashing it at the priest wow, thats crazy, a crime in a Catholic Church that led to an arrest [ audience groans we will tolerate a lot of stuff here, but you cant splash the juice. [ laughter ] thats where we draw the line. [ light laughter ] and finally, according to a new report, over 160 men in the u. K. Had surgery last year after fracturing their penises so, thats 160 broken penises and one messed up johnson. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show for you tonight [ cheers and applause he is a legendary actor and musician, who you can see next in bad boys for life in theaters and imax this friday, will smith is here tonight you guys [ cheers and applause he is a talented actor and comedian, who is directing the fantastic show, Jacqueline Novak get on your knees at the lucy lortel theatre here in new york, through february 16th, john early is back, everybody. [ cheers and applause and here to perform some standup for us is a very funny comedian and the cohost at the exhibition, a Monthly Comedy stage show at new york citys public arts, Michael Cruz Kayne is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause so youre here on a good night now, you guys, i am in my 40s. Im married. I have two kids. But nothing, and i mean nothing, makes me feel older than when i realize i no longer know the new slang terms teenagers are using. And it seems like these days, teen slang terms are evolving so fast, that sometimes its hard to keep up, so we decided to give you a little primer on new teen slang terms in a segment we call, seth explains teen slang. [ cheers and applause seth alright, lets get started. Our first new teen slang term is reefcase heres the definition. Its the fancy bag your friend carries their weed in. [ laughter ] for example, kyle rolled into the party with a monogrammed leather satchel with special compartments for his bong, stash and lighter, like hes the ceo of weed. Reefcase. [ laughter ] our next new teen slang term is markleing lets see the definition its when you cant handle your boyfriends family, so you move to canada. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause for example, jeffs parents never give us any privacy and are super racist, so we markled off to a farm in manitoba. Next, we have baby yoda. Lets see the definition its the kid whos so creepy looking that hes cute [ laughter ] for example, that new kid, kevin, has four strands of hair and skin like a basketball, but hes going to prom with the head cheerleader. Guess that baby yodas got game. [ light laughter ] moving on, we have red yolo cup. This is an unidentified liquid found at a party that you drink anyway [ laughter ] for example, we totally ran out of beer at brads party, and i was like, what the hell, i guess ill just chug whatevers in this red yolo cup i found. Call911 [ laughter ] our next teen slang term is e. T. , this is the kid who always phones home during a sleepover [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence were were at bens for about 15 minutes when matt called his parents to pick him up that e. T. Has serious separation anxiety. [ laughter ] next, we have paper straw. Lets see the definition its a replacement for your ex who is better for you, but who ends up being weak and useless [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause for example, noah is so much nicer and kinder than aidan. But one time we saw a roach and that paper straw fainted on the spot up next, its puke skywalker this is one who gets so drunk he doesnt recognize his father [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence ben got so wasted last night, someone had to call his dad to come pick hum up, but when he got there, that puke skywalker yelled, no, and jumped into the ravine [ laughter ] this next one is really blowing up with the teens. Its dialrhea [ laughter ] this is when you cant stop butt dialing someone. [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence tevin has called me six times in the last five minutes. Either hes obsessed with me or he has a massive case of dialrhea. [ laughter ] the next new teen slang term is vrinch this is a valentines day grinch for example, i feel so bad for stacy. Her boyfriend is such a vrinch all he got her for valentines day was a tube of toothpaste and a stapler [ light laughter ] and finally, you probably heard the slang term, fomo, the fear of missing out, and jomo, the joy of missing out well, this is nsfowotomo [ laughter ] this is, no strong feelings one way or the other about missing out. [ cheers and applause here it is here it is in a sentence tina had a party last night, but apparently it wasnt huge or anything some people had fun and some didnt and they watched a movie, but it was spiderman far from home. And ive already seen it it was pretty good, but i dont know if i need to see it again anyway, nsfowtomo [ laughter ] this has been seth explains teen slang. [ cheers and applause we will be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause shishito. Burrito. Raw kitfo fried shiso. Pork chop. Soda pop. 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Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Cheezit snapd. How does it taste . Its so thin, crispy and cheesy. And i just want to keep eating it. Ive done it and eating it. they love em snapd. So good, we may run out of cheese. [ cheers and applause seth our first guest tonight is a twotime Academy Award nominated actor, grammy winning artist and one of the biggest movie stars in the world you can see him in bad boys for life which opens in theaters and imax january 17th. Lets take a look. So were just going to do a knock and talk what . Hey, look, all our lives weve been bad boys, all right now its time to be good men who in the hell want to sing that song . Good men good men what you gonna to do well, maybe if you sang the song like you meant it, it will catch on no. Knock and talk yeah. Knock, knock. Get down. I need you on your knees with your hands behind your head right now. Seth please welcome to the show will smith, everybody [ cheers and applause hey seth man, oh, man alive. Wow love that. Seth this is just really [ cheers and applause yeah [ cheering ] theyre all feeling it Seth Seth Seth oh, its for me seth seth you think that was for me yeah. Seth oh, wow oh, my gosh. Yeah. [ laughter ] seth thank you, you guys its really wonderful having you here, man. It is great to be here, man seth and it is very exciting having you and martin back together because its 25 years since you did the first one. 25 since the first one, yeah. Seth what was do you remember when you first met martin was it right around then it must have been. It was what had happened is martin had bad boys first so its a long story. [ laughter ] originally, the bad boys were dana carvey and jon lovitz seth a very a wildly different film, yeah yes wildly different film. Seth although i would have loved to see them do one 25 years later i know, right seth yeah. So they had it. So basically they fell out and then martin had it and, you know, martin wanted me to be in the movie with him. So he called me over and we had dinner at his house. And that was really the first time that we met and he is hilarious. Seth yeah. You guys, youre going to love this movie. He has not missed a beat our chemistry is right back. Its right there seth you can tell from the what, again, i guess it was 17 years since the second one. Since the second one. Seth you take a break and take an even longer break. What made you want to come back to it now . You know, its you know, i mean, people liking sequels now. Seth yeah, thats true [ light laughter ] you know, people like sequels. Seth youve always noticed trends yeah, yeah. Seth youre very good at spotting trends. You know. You know, you make a couple movies that people dont want to go see then you just sort of start making what they want to go see [ laughter ] [ applause ] seth gotcha. Yeah, you just make seth yeah. So its not yeah, yeah. Seth in the end, its not that tricky. Yeah. Seth yeah. No, you know what, what happened was it was you know, for years, people walk up to me on the street and of all the movies that ive made, its, like, bad boys was the one that people would say the most, hey, man, when are you going to do another when you another . You know nobodys walking up and saying, man, i cant wait to see pursuit of happyness 2. [ laughter ] you know seth hasnt come up. I want to see how he turned out. Nobody is saying that. Seth well, i mean, the nice thing is that, and, again, you got you know, the chemistry does between two people, that doesnt get old. Yeah, and you cant you cant buy it you cant fake it. Seth right its like you either have that thing with somebody or you dont. And, you know, we hit it that first day. It was right back. There are some laugh out loud screamers in this movie. There are some things that and theres a lot of we havent given a lot away in the trailers so the movie is going to be really seth thats great. New for people when they see it a lot of times you have to give it all away in the trailer but seth right you know seth well, its nice because people come into it, they understand the core idea behind it yeah. Seth so you can hold a little back from them. Yeah, but theres some great ones seth you shot it atlanta in atlanta, yeah. Seth at the Tyler Perry Studios that he built. Yes, exactly. Seth they actually dedicated one of the studios is named after you, yeah yeah, that was fantastic. We went down there, and tyler, he really has made one of the most magnificent sound studios in the country and, you know, he named one after me and that was a that was a real honor, man, to walk down there you know, i just you know, when we were down there, i was down there with a bunch of people so, you know, i just walk on my soundstage, make sure they aint doing nothing i disapprove of. Seth right, of course. [ laughter ] you have that power now. Hey, what yall shooting in here what yall shooting in here . [ laughter ] hey, i dont want no funny business. [ light laughter ] seth you you mentioned that it is one of the most incredible soundstages in the country. Yeah. Seth and one of the benefits of that is while you guys are shooting things, other movies are happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seth and you posted this photo. Because coming to america 2 is also oh, yeah, yeah. Seth so this just gives you a sense of who you can run into. Yeah, that was fantastic. Yeah seth i think this last month, obviously, we all remembered exactly how much we cared about eddie murphy you know what i mean oh, my goodness seth when he was on snl. Yes, yes. Seth and i think youre that to a lot of people yeah. Seth like, when people see will smith they cant believe it are you that way with eddie . Like, when you see eddie listen, when i see eddie, its full little boy seth yeah. [ laughter ] its full [ laughter ] seth yeah. You you know, trying to hold it together seth yeah. Thats the godfather right there, man seth yeah. Hes just hes the one seth you also posted an instagram video. We took a little edit of it. Because i really think it proves exactly how funny eddie murphy is oh, you got yeah seth yeah, lets take a look real quick its hard to beat this. Its just hard to beat this. Thats right there thats right there thats iconicism thats iconicism im glad this video aint scratch and sniff. [ laughter ] theyll really know whats going on seth thats fantastic, man yeah. [ cheers and applause yeah no, it was interesting eddie, he was spending some time in his trailer seth yeah, he spent some time in his trailer probably going over his lines going over his lines. You know, it was his private time you know so seth you i know early in your career and, again, like, you watch that clip, you and martin, you guys look great. You guys look young. You used to do your own stunts you are 25 years older yeah. Seth are you still doing that yeah, you know, i was when i started, you know, i was, like, bad boys 3, were going right back, you know im doing my stunts. Im going to get it. I dont need no stuntman ill do it and, like, three days in, i was like, hey, wheres my stuntman . [ laughter ] seth yeah. Yeah. Its, like, that stuff does not and its crazy because you do this big, giant stunt you do something you fall out of a window and you do it and it goes perfect. And then the next day you have a little stunt where you jump over a chair and you twist your ankle and youre down for six weeks. Seth yeah. Its always its never the big ones its always those little ones seth of course that put you out seth and im sure, you know, any, you know, Film Production that cant have one of their stars going down, im sure they were thrilled when you finally said, get me a stuntman. Yeah, yeah, i was like, yeah, were going to use some new modern technology. [ laughter ] were going to do some stuff with somebody that can heal can do these stunts. [ laughter ] seth when you revisit a part like this, that you, you know, again, like you did when you were in your mid 20s, do you think about obviously your career has worked out great, your family life has worked out great do you ever think about advice you would have given yourself give 25 yearold will smith you know, i thought about that and i think that i wouldnt give myself advice id probably ask myself for advice seth yeah. Thats you know, when i was 25 years old, i was i was so ambitious and i was so driven and i was fearless and as ive gotten older i started getting a little bit more fearful and i would i would ask myself, i was like, why are you so crazy . [ laughter ] why do you think you can do so much . You know, theres such a power to naivety seth yeah, thats true yeah and its like once you know you cant you cant seth you cant unknow it. Thats right one thing you did that was fearless but maybe didnt look that way to people, you know, i first knew you obviously as a hiphop artist and you were at a time where this was not what a lot of people were doing, your lyrics were very clean. Absolutely. Seth that choice oh, yeah. Seth was a bigger choice than i think it probably looked to people. Thats when i started when i was i was 12 years old and i started rapping. So i had my rap book i was writing my stuff and had all my little, you know, my little curse words in my rap book and my grandmother found my rap book [ light laughter ] and she just turned she never said nothing turned to the back page and she said, dear willard, truly intelligent people do not have to use words like this to express themselves please show the world that youre as smart as we think you are. Love gigi. Seth oh, my god. [ audience aws ] i read that, and i was like [ bleep ]. [ laughter and applause seth i dont know how were going to top that. 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[ cheers and applause seth welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the 8g band, right over there also, we are so happy this week to have fred armisen back with us give it up for fred. [ cheers and applause and, fred, we were talking i was talking with the crew. The staff here at the show and we were saying, and i hope not to flatter you, but we believe you to be a renaissance man. Fred oh, thanks. [ laughter ] seth yeah, but its true a comedian, youre a musician, youre a writer. And one thing people dont know about you, maybe the audience at home doesnt know. Youre an art connoisseur. Fred yes, i know it all. [ laughter ] seth yeah. Now youre okay with that label, connoisseur, you dont think thats too hottie . No, i like it [ light laughter ] seth yeah, and you were saying backstage that you have an art historians knowledge of every painting ever painted. Fred i was saying that backstage. Seth yes [ laughter ] and thats not just something you were saying to impress those who were backstage that wasnt just one of those because sometimes in show business, people will be around other people in show business and theyll maybe brag a little bit. But this is a true thing about you. Fred yes, its one of those facts. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] so, i would like to put that to the test once again in our segment, fred armisen art aficionado. [ cheers and applause fred, this is salvador dalis 1931 painting the persistence of memory. Fred, tell us about this painting fred well, this is a fairly wellknown this painting. And it was commissioned for the city of disneyland [ laughter ] and seth the city of disneyland . Fred yeah. Before they built the Amusement Park there, it was just a city and they were like, we need a painting you know, we need something in our town courthouse. We need to have a painting of some sort. Seth disneyland was an actual city . Fred yeah. A smaller town sort of midsized. [ laughter ] seth because i always just assumed disneyland was the Amusement Park itself. Fred no, thats what drew them to it the Amusement Park came to them. They were like, we love this place. Can we build rides . Seth got it. [ laughter ] fred can we just put, you know, a little train through here i mean, this place is amazing. So, they reached out via mail, to salvador dali, who was working in spain and he was, like, making all this art and they were like, can you just send us something can you send us something that looks like, i dont know, Something Like a little village. Like a town, like, with, like, a town clock. [ laughter ] seth yeah. Fred and he got so annoyed with them, with, like, saying, we want the clock to look like this, and we want it, you know, so that the sun is facing it. Because he was like, these guys are just really driving me crazy. Im going to so he sort of did this painting as a sort of like, you want some clocks . Is that what you want . [ laughter ] and he sent them this. And he thought it was funny. But they were so just sort of, they didnt know enough about art to know that it was a joke so, they were like, i guess well put this up. So, they put it up [ laughter ] and this and so its sort of it was a peaceful transaction. Seth gotcha. [ laughter ] but you are saying that dali did not consider this a work of art, he considered this a joke painting fred he did. Seth yeah. Fred he did. [ laughter ] seth yeah. And then, years later im just curious, but then again, i can ask this because of your art historians knowledge, as it became a famous, beloved painting, did he then pretend that he had done it on purpose fred yes seth yes fred so as he went into his old age, he just sort of oh, yes. This is what i meant. And you know he became more sort of at peace with what he had done. Seth but, you know, in his dying breath, he knew that this wouldve fully been he was just [ bleep ] around with this painting fred yes, yes. [ laughter ] seth yes fred so to his nurse, he was like, oh, my god, i was so [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] seth give it up for fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause our next guest is a very funny actor and comedian you know from shows Like Search Party and at home with amy sedaris. He directs Jacqueline Novak get on your knees, which is running at the Lucille Lortel theatre through february 16th. Please welcome back to the show, our friend, john early, everybody. [ cheers and applause seth oh, my god. John, how are you . Im good. How are you . Seth good. Congratulations on the shirt and just, yeah, eyes up here. Seth yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] eyes up here, seth. Seth its very hard. Yeah, i know. These are my nipples, not my eyes seth yeah, okay, gotcha. [ laughter ] just keep it up here you guys saw that, right . He keeps looking [ laughter ] and in this climate, its just [ laughter ] seth its wow you know seth yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] im sorry. I will do my best. Thank you seth is this a shirt, when you see the shirt right away, are you like, i have to have it . Well, i actually stole this from the wardrobe of search party. Seth oh, wow yeah. [ light laughter ] seth this is your wonderful show, yeah yeah, yeah, thank you but um [ light laughter ] but, no, i just asked the Wardrobe Department if i could borrow it for the show so thank you, matthew. [ laughter ] seth we im trying to get the timeline right we did we meet at amy schumers wedding . Was that the first time . That was before you were on the show we did. Seth yes we met at amy schumers wedding. Seth and i was a fan of yours, but i did not see you shut up seth i was. [ laughter ] because you married amy schumer. Yes seth and her husband, chris fisher, who i have known who i actually knew before i even knew before, i didnt know that seth yeah. Lets get into it just kidding. [ laughter ] im sorry. Seth but you married them. I officiated their wedding. Seth yes yes seth and you did it in character. Yes seth so, how you did it as a character of yours named vicky. Vicky with a v. Seth yeah. Yeah. [ laughter ] seth how did this come about . I got a text from amy, who i barely knew at that point. [ laughter ] i want to be clear seth yeah. Like, less than a week before her wedding, i got a text from her that said, will you officiate my wedding adele backed out. [ laughter ] and for those of you right in the, you know, in the audience and at home who are thinking, who is he who even is he . You know, youre not wrong okay [ laughter ] its like adele and then you know seth dont worry adele backed out, we got a backup, though [ laughter ] yeah. Yeah, we have a very different, kind of, career milestones seth yeah. Yeah, but she asked me, which i thought was kind of very punk, and kind of like you know, she at that point was a fan of the characters, which vicky was on seth yes, this is a netflix show the characters second episode, please watch. [ laughter ] and no ones seen it [ laughter ] and she was always kind of championing that show and very kind of evangelical about it and very sweet to me about it. And thats kind of all that i even that was the depth of our entire relationship. Seth and you and she asked you to write it. Well, she asked me first to do it as myself. Seth okay. Which, i was like you know, because, it was like, that suggests a level of intimacy seth yes with the couple that i, like, frankly did not have seth yeah. And so, i was horrified and then, but i said, yes. Because i was like, i cant say no. Seth right you know, because we bow down to amy seth yes, of course. And then, the next morning, she texted me, she read my mind. She was like, will you do it as vicky . And i was like, thats genius. Because i felt like with vicky, whos kind of a southern christian mom, you know, shes a road comic seth yeah. [ laughter ] shes like a populist comic seth she likes denim she loves denim seth yeah. Shes always looking for her denim. Its her catchphrase [ laughter ] dont cross my christian ass. When im what . Looking for my denim. You know [ laughter ] you know it literally makes no sense i was so high when i wrote it. [ laughter ] but so, yeah. She asked me to do it as vicky, which i was like, this is perfect because i feel like i can strike the right balance of, like, funny but also sincerity. Because, you know, i dont im sure you agree with me its like, i feel like its easier to tell the truth when youre wearing a wig seth yeah. You know. Seth but there was something also, there was very little explanation. Yeah, yeah. Yeah seth it should be i was familiar with you. I was familiar with vicky. I think i was in the somehow thats very sweet of you seth i was in the minority of people at the wedding yes, yes. It was like well, this is the night before i was so, so scared i was just so overwhelmed by the pressure of officiating a wedding. You know, and amy schumers wedding. And i was, like, well, i need to know who is on the guest list so i can, like, you know, maybe roast them a little bit. You know and i asked i made the mistake of asking the wedding planner who is there and it was like, jake gyllenhaal, jennifer lawrence, larry david, lauren hutton, i was like [ laughter ] my second scream, by the way [ laughter ] scream count screamcount [ laughter ] so, yeah but i was, i was like, none of these people not only are they not going to know who this woman is, vicky. Seth yeah. Like, theyre certainly not going to somehow determine from under the makeup that its me. Even if i looked like myself, they would still be like, who . You know, so [ laughter ] it was like many layers of terror and, like, when i was up there, there was a lot of, like [ laughter ] and i think, also, like, the point of vicky is that she is in kind of a gorgeous lace front wig. Its very realistic drag seth yeah. Its, like, beautiful, hyperreal makeup you know, its not like, i did pass seth yeah. You know what i mean . Seth it wasnt you didnt immediately think, oh, this is a male comedian in a wig. Right, this is a drag queen seth this is vicky with a v. Vicky with a v, yeah. Seth proof is in the pudding. We actually have a clip of the wedding. Yes, and listen to what i first say. [ cheers ] seth yeah, this is and by the way, we do not know each other at the time. [ laughter ] yes, yes. Seth and i this made me cackle out loud. Thank god seth lets take a look dearly beloved and seth meyers. [ laughter ] we are gathered here today for what i have just been told is a jewish wedding [ applause ] amy, i am so proud of you. Just like a little virgin. [ laughter ] and chris, my god. What do i have to do to have uno noche with you [ laughter ] you can throw some mrs. Dash on me and saute me in a pan until im golden brown [ laughter ] amy, im way out of line, im so sorry. [ laughter ] now what i like about chris and amys love is that it is an evolved love its two great grownups who are simply ready to hold on to each other really tight as our great nation burns to the ground [ laughter ] seth bravo thank you seth bravo thank you [ cheers and applause and i truly when the wedding planner told me that you were in the audience, i was like, i felt so safe. Seth oh, thats very nice to hear even though we didnt know each other, i did feel this connection that, of course, has become iconic, arguably. [ laughter ] seth you mentioned being scared, which is which makes sense but its surprising because youre a very confident performer. Oh, hush. Seth this confidence came very early on. You were on the news in high school yes didnt think we would get this far in the interview but keep going [ laughter ] seth how did this come about . I was oh, god. Okay seth this is in tennessee . I just want to be clear, im not pretending that i dont know a clip is coming up. Seth yeah, yeah. There is nothing worse than the what [ laughter ] seth i want to make it clear. We got it from you yeah. I sent it. [ laughter ] i sent it. Sorry. [ laughter ] seth we had our Research Team dig deep. [ laughter ] and i think you will be shocked at what they found [ laughter ] no, seth. He always does this. [ laughter ] no, no, no its not that i know i brought the clip but now that im having this donning horror of, like, oh, no, no, no. Because it is so profoundly embarrassing but, okay. So its me in high school. There was, like, i was a group of imagine the horror [ laughter ] and they were doing a local news segment on, like, abstinence as a part of teen Sex Education [ light laughter ] and, like, my guidance counselor, for some reason, like, was like, ill ask 14yearolds to talk about sex. You know and ill ask john who is clearly gay and not out [ laughter ] to, like, walk into the lions den and, like, talk casually and comfortably and casually about sex, when i wasnt out seth but were you when you went and sat down, were you, like, i was made for this . Or were you well, thats what typically happens. Like, tonight, for example, its like, im backstage in this seethrough shirt. Im like, i got this. And then, the second im out here, im like, oops. [ laughter ] and thats what happened thats what happened here. Youll notice, there is a kind of outward confidence. But there is an inward total just lack of clarity just like freewheeling. Im not saying anything. If you look at the a dry transcript of what im saying seth yeah. It would make no sense. Seth well, lets see if this is helpful to 14yearolds right now who might be wondering about sex. Emon anthony and john early are just beginning high school at University School but they know a lot about sex. Its not this whole, like, what is sex . You know, you know what it is. Therefore, you have the choice to do it or not, you know . Its not this big, like, question, just like, its not being hid from you all the time. I think its probably better that were exposed to it [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause thank you seth now thank you seth i know i also know that you did high school theater. Yes, yes. Seth was this something you were very passionate about yes well, i mean, again, this kind of, like you saw the confidence in the clip [ laughter ] the impression of confidence yes, i was, like, i was a very kind of type a aggressive theater student. I was very competitive i was very like, you know, i was very i would, like, kind of go to other schools and watch their productions and report back to our drama teacher like [ laughter ] id be like, they have a revolving set. [ laughter ] i was like, meanwhile, we have our thumbs up our asses with a mylar thats peeling off the back. [ laughter ] you know, or i would go, like, see show choirs. And id be like, not only are they competing, they placed. I was like, were not even competing. [ laughter ] i would, like, threaten to leave the school [ laughter ] i would be like, truly. I was like seth to the drama teacher. Until we get in shape. [ laughter ] and do some moliere. [ laughter ] like, im walking. Seth how did your drama teacher respond to you he mustve, im assuming, i want to give him credit he mustve known him or her, that you had talent is that do you think thats safe well, yeah. [ laughter ] seth but did they want were you someone they wanted to placate . Did they take it seriously yes, they were like, yes, sir. [ laughter ] yeah they were like, yes, sir. And they were like, you know its like, curly, oklahoma, sky, guys and dolls. Seth i want to talk, before you go, weve had jacqueline on the show a couple times. Twice seth she is the best she is the best seth this show is the best thank you it is a show you directed. Youve known her for a long time yes seth this is about an 80minute onewoman show you could call it standup yes seth i think its a little bit more than that poetry. Seth poetry for real yeah, truly seth its all about giving [ bleep ] jobs yes, it is. [ laughter ] seth and thats a true thing. Yeah. Seth and it is yet the most poetic, most beautifully written, incredibly absolutely. Seth and it must be an incredible thing to work with someone like her its been the great honor of my life. Seth yeah. Honestly to work on it with her. And i cant believe she had me do it. And you need to know that my boyfriend painted this painting. Seth and its a beautiful painting thank you seth its a beautiful painting an oil painting of jacqueline seth and and thats my hand. Seth oh, is it really . Yeah, like, jacquelines hand wasnt doing the right thing seth i would love if you didnt make this about you, too. [ laughter ] i would love it if this could be one thing. About us, about us. Seth yeah, yeah, yeah. Thats john early, everybody [ cheers and applause Jacqueline Novak get on your knees, is running at the Lucille Lortel theatre through february 16th. Well be right back with Michael Cruz Kayne [ cheers and applause Michael Cruz Kayne [ cheers and applause yeah thats all me. Nothing and me go hand in hand nothing on my skin thats my new plan. Nothing is everything. 3 out of 4 people achieved 90 clearer skin at 4 months. Of those, nearly 9 out of 10 sustained it through 1 year. And skyrizi is 4 doses a year, after 2 starter doses. 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He will be performing as part of the new york asian comedy festival on sunday, january 26th, at the peoples Improv Theater he is also the cohost of the exhibition, a Monthly Comedy show at public arts here in new york. Please welcome Michael Cruz Kayne [ cheers and applause hi, guys. [ cheers and applause yes. Its me. Someone you have never seen or heard of before. [ laughter ] ill tell you a little bit about myself im mixed race, which means i should be hot. [ laughter ] thats my birthright my parents were hoping for like a keanu reeves kind of a mix they got a boy who made a wish to be big. [ laughter ] im hot for comedy in comedy, im handsome. In the rest of the world, im a duffel bag that grew eyes. [ laughter ] im asian and jewish [ scattered applause ] all right. Like, a prius. [ laughter ] and that asianwhite mix, that should be on point but i think my issue is that im, like, budget genetically on both sides [ laughter ] like, my asian part is filipino. And i love being filipino. But its not one of the prestige asians, you know what i mean [ light laughter ] like, we dont even get stereotypes, really. If you know a stereotype about filipinos it might be that people say we eat dogs i can clear that up for you tonight. If you brought a dog here, ill eat it in front of your face [ laughter ] people also say we point with our lips thats true for me so if someone is like, excuse me, michael, which way to the nearest dog restaurant . [ light laughter ] i would be like [ laughter ] so, thats our culture now, you have that [ light laughter ] and then my white side is jewish and i love being jewish. But that is flagrantly the worst white to be. I know theres some jews here who are like, how dare you. Thats why were the worst [ laughter ] so now that you know that one of my parents is asian and one is white, guess if its my mom or dad who is asian wow, you all got it, its my mom. [ laughter ] i think there are four couples in the world where its the other way around and those men are on a mt. Rushmore in asia [ laughter ] ive been married for 11 years i know thats hard to believe. [ applause ] thank you. Thank you so much. Wow. I know thats hard to believe because im so young and attractive [ laughter ] my wife and i have this one recurring argument that we cant stop having, which is that i never want to have kids. Like, never, never, never, no matter what, under any circumstances. Ill tell her every day. Ill tell her ten times a day. Ill whisper it in her ear while shes sleeping [ light laughter ] ill write it on little notes and leave them around the house for her to find. And she gets super mad because we have two kids [ laughter ] so, fair point [ light laughter ] and let me say this i bet some kids are great. [ light laughter ] seems plausible. I could have just got a bad batch. [ light laughter ] like, my daughter is a sociopath. [ light laughter ] we fight all the time, every day, thats like our whole dynamic. Our recent fight we had was that, i was in the living room and she was in the kitchen j. K. , thats the same room [ light laughter ] and she was like, daddy, can you get me some water . And i see her standing next to the fridge, holding a glass. And im like, bro, its right there. [ light laughter ] you could get it yourself. She collapses to the ground, screaming and crying and she says, when mommy asks you for water, you get it for her right away [ laughter ] do you love mommy more than you love me . [ audience ohs ] without hesitation, i said, yeah. [ laughter ] i just met you [ laughter ] you dont know my middle name. [ light laughter ] i have a son ill tell you about that person. [ laughter ] he is a racist [ light laughter ] and hes not even a good racist. You know what i mean not that there are good racists. There are great racists, if were being honest like thomas jefferson, great racist babe ruth. Justin trudeau [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] i mean, my son is not good at being racist like, we were walking through brooklyn and just out of the blue, the boy says, daddy, im scared of black people. And then, he points at a guy [ laughter ] and i see that he means hasidic jews [ laughter ] because theyre dressed all in black. You know what i mean [ laughter ] like, were not even nailing the racism thats the level that were at [ laughter ] a thing i like about that little vignette, too, is we learn where we are culturally at this moment because i say its antiblack racism and were all like, oof, i dont know if thats acceptable. And then, i say its antisemitism. And we all go, whew, thats the safe one. [ laughter ] thank you, guys so much. [ cheers and applause seth Michael Cruz Kayne, everybody. That was great thank you so much. Introducing a single sports destination. Where you can find games, news and highlights. All in one place, right on your tv. The new xfinity sports zone. Use your voice to search every stat, standing and score. Follow the teams you love and get notifications when the games about to start, so youll never miss a minute. With the xfinity sports zone. Everybody wins. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Click, call or visit a store for details. Seth my thanks to will smith, john early, Michael Cruz Kayne everybody great job. Fred armisen and the 8g band stay tuned for lilly singh well see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause daniel tonight on a little late with lilly singh. Lilly he caught him cheating with six strippers okay, she should be mad, but like not too mad if a guy can have sex six times in one night, you marry that guy. [ laughter ] daniel and lilly please welcome debby ryan and Francia Raisa we were all, like, singing and meditating i was like, you were my first late night show. And you were like, thats amazing. Im so honored. I was like, no, im honored. And then today she was like, have we met . Lilly wait, what [ laughter ] you, my friend, will receive an edible arrangement from me [ laughter ] hey. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] yes a lot of folks ask me why their dishwasher doesnt get everything clean. I tell them, it may be your detergent. Thats why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. With the soaking, scrubbing and rinsing built right in. For sparklingclean dishes, the first time