[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Thanks so much thank you. Please, please, have a seat. [ cheers and applause i love you i love you i appreciate it. Thank you very much. Sit down, relax. Welcome to the tonight show, everybody. Youre here and you made it. Im happy. [ cheers and applause you guys, my guest tonight is one of the alltime greats Sylvester Stallone is here [ cheers and applause backstage i asked him, can i get you something to drink water, soda . He was like, raw eggs. Steve really jimmy yeah [ laughter ] Sylvester Stallone is here i knew hed arrived in the billing when all 12 Security Guards downstairs were sprawled out on the floor unconscious [ laughter ] but it is great that hes here, cause i love having guests on the show that have the same workout routine as me. [ laughter ] stallone stars in the new movie rambo last blood. Yeah and this is strange. Hes also starring in the new Downton Abbey movie. Isnt that wild . [ laughter ] thats right rambo last blood and the new Downton Abbey movie are out the same night and if you plan on seeing both, who are you . [ laughter ] lets get to some news yesterday, President Trump was in california visiting the border wall. Construction workers said it was fun watching trump put on a hard hat over his hair hat [ laughter and applause [ cheers and applause trump was there examining the wall and he said that it was virtually impenetrable [ light laughter ] yep, virtually impenetrable or as its also known penetrable. [ laughter ] the bridge is virtually safe. [ light laughter ] you can walk across, it is kind of safe. Actually one of the workers asked trump to sign the wall take a look at this. Theres a tradition here on the border that anyone who works on the wall, signs the wall for us. Sign it would you do that for us today . Ill sign it. Lets go jimmy and right where trump signed it has become a tourist attraction yeah people from mexico take a selfie in front of it before crossing the border. [ laughter and applause steve keep on truckin jimmy could we see what trump wrote on the for a good time call mike. Steve what jimmy oh thats not come on. Thats not thats not steve come on. Thats rude. Jimmy thats not cool. Steve thats not cool at all. Jimmy then trump talked about how the border wall will stop people from entering the country. Listen to this plus, its designed to absorb heat, so it is extremely hot. The wall is you wont be able to touch it you can you can fry an egg on that wall [ laughter ] [cheering and applause]. Jimmy and that and that is why im excited to announce the worlds first border wall omelet station. [ laughter and applause the wall the wall is so hot you cant touch it unless you are signing it with a sharpie apparently [ laughter ] while showing off the wall, trump asked the border agent to talk about the technology theyre using to stop people from crossing the border, but it didnt go as planned. Take a look at this. One thing we havent mentioned is technology. Theyre wired so that we will know if somebodys trying to break through. And you may want to discuss that a little bit, general sir, there could be some merit in not discussing that [ laughter ] okay. I like that. [ laughter and applause jimmy i know that i was just testing to see if you knew that. Of course i knew that. Duh. [ laughter ] meanwhile back in washington, trump is in the middle of a new scandal. A whistleblower has accused him of making a dangerous promise to a foreign leader. Now as of today, we dont know who that leader is it could be any foreign leader [ laughter ] we cant jump to any conclusions. Were just going to have to wait and see [ laughter and applause thats right trump is being accused of making secret promises to an unidentified foreign leader. Its been a rough week for trump. First, he wasnt named the next bachelor and now this. Steve aw [ laughter ] jimmy the first lady is busy too today, melania attended the Ribbon Cutting ceremony for the reopening of the washington monument, but she had a bit of trouble with the scissors. Take a look. [ cheers ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah turns out she accidentally grabbed eric and don jr. s safety scissors. Steve oh [ laughter ] jimmy thats what had at the time some tech news amazon Just Announced that you can now donate to 2020 candidates through alexa. But if you say, alexa, donate to bill de blasio, you hear flush your money down the toilet [ laughter and applause jimmy this isnt good. A new report found that jetblue and Spirit Airlines serve the dirtiest water on board. [ audience reacts jetblue was appalled while spirit was like, we got mentioned in the same sentence as jetblue . [ laughter ] people on jetblue knew something was wrong when a a passenger said, i ordered water, not coffee. And the Flight Attendant was like, that is water. [ laughter and applause guys, we have a good show tonight. Give it up for the roots right there. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy we have a fun show tonight. Sylvester stallone is here [ cheers and applause steve oh jimmy rambo steve come on. Jimmy cedric the entertainer is here [ cheers and applause steve oh jimmy and we have great standup comedy from mark normand, everybody. Steve oh [ cheers and applause jimmy guys, you know what i love i love bumping into people and seeing an old friend it actually just happened to me when i was out having lunch. Check this out jimmy oh, im sorry. I didnt order that. Courtesy of the gentleman at the bar. [ cheers and applause [ light laughter ] [ whispering ] [ laughter ] courtesy of the gentleman at the table. [ light laughter ] [ light laughter ] a scorpion bowl with a steak, medium rare, courtesy of the gentleman at the bar [ light laughter ] [ laughter ] seafood tower, courtesy of the gentleman at the table [ applause ] a pyramid of ferrero rocher, courtesy of the gentleman at the bar. [ laughter and applause edible arrangement [ laughter and applause pancakes 30 hot dogs. [ laughter ] old coconut with mini hammer [ laughter ] a bucket of tater tots hardy sub. Red m m. Astronaut ice cream. Calcium chews. Toothpaste with orange juice cheese hibachi shrimp threetiered wedding cake. Im sorry, sir the kitchen is completely out of food. Well, i guess its the check then [ clink [ laughter ] courtesy of the gentleman at the window [ cheers and applause jimmy come on steve come on jimmy come on steve give it up jimmy who is better than that dude . Steve come on. Jimmy who is better than that dude . My thanks to brad pitt [ cheers and applause ad astra, his new movie opens nationwide tomorrow. He is getting good oscar buzz for that one as well i love brad. Today is my birthday, you guys so [ cheers and applause 45 45 today steve 45 jimmy i had a great day. I was thinking yesterday, i was on leaving work and i went online and i said, hey, if anyone wants to get me anything, here is what i really would like. I would like for you to post a a photo of you smiling or a video or a picture of you making someone else smile and smile. And just put it on there that would really make me happy, just because thats my whole thats my whole gig. I just want to see people smile. Thats all i care about. And everyone could do it, and [ cheers and applause it is free steve free jimmy you control it i mean, you can you know, even if you are having a great day, you can smile if you are having a bad day, you can just just do it steve yeah jimmy you can do it. It is up to you. You control it anyways, so many people did it, it was trending on twitter steve aw [ cheers and applause jimmy so it just really made my day. Steve happy birthday jimmy it was a great, special birthday thank you to anyone who did that it really made me so happy today. So today has been a great day. So thank you very much stick around we will be right back with thank you notes, everybody [ cheers and applause my insurance rates are probably gonna double. But dad, youve got allstate. With accident forgiveness they guarantee your rates wont go up just because of an accident. Smart kid. Indeed. Are you in good hands . Snow leopards are almost impossible to find, with ai we can protect what we cant see. But we need to know where they are, because they are threatened. Our camera traps allow us to have and eye in the mountains, taking thousands of pictures. 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[ cheers and applause jimmy welcome back, everybody. It is the its the end of the week and thats usually when i catch up on some personal stuff you know, i check any inbox, i return some emails. And, of course, i send out my thank you notes. I was running a bit behind today, so i thought if you guys wouldnt mind, id just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. Is that okay [ cheers and applause thursday steve thursday jimmy thursday is when i write out my thank you notes steve yeah, thursday is thank you note day jimmy yes. Thats correct, it is. Yeah steve yeah jimmy james, can i get some thank you note writing music, please always in a good mood. Steve wow. [ laughter ] jimmy hes always in a good mood steve it is like hes wishing you happy birthday with his eyes [ laughter ] jimmy thank you, ad astra, for looking like a a great scifi movie, but sounding like a new 24hour allergy medication [ laughter and applause steve ask your doctor about ad astra. Jimmy may cause sneezing [ light laughter ] thank you, sean spicers debut on dancing with the stars steve oh [ light laughter ] jimmy for looking like a a highlighter going through a midlife crisis. [ laughter and applause steve how about neon green jimmy what is going on steve god. Oh, my god [ laughter ] jimmy thank you, bernie sanders, saying hell release his medical records. Or, as bernie put it, and you thought the Mueller Report was long ive been alive since 1863 [ applause ] [ laughter ] jimmy thank you, people who say autumn instead of fall, for being the same people who wont stop talking about traveling abroad in barthelona [ laughter and applause come on. Steve come on. Jimmy barcelona. Oh, we had such a great time in barthelona. [ laughter ] thank you, 25th anniversary of the tv show friends [cheering and applause]. Or the 26th if youre counting that year that we were on a break [ cheers and applause steve nice call back jimmy thank you. [ laughter ] thank you, people singing the National Anthem at sporting events, for answering the question, what would it sound like to hear 30,000 people mumble the word rampart [ laughter ] [ mumbling ] whats a whats a rampart whats a rampart steve rampart jimmy do you know what a a rampart is stve its like a ramp that leads up to a battle ground. [ laughter ] jimmy no, that is not true steve what is it jimmy i do know what it is no, its for real. Steve is it part of a ramp a ramp part . Jimmy no [ light laughter ] rampart, one word. Oer the ramparts we watched. Steve right. Yeah, sure jimmy its a protective wall around a fort steve yes, it is usually at a raked angle. [ laughter ] jimmy thats true, but i mean [ laughter ] it changed steve to deflect canon shells jimmy yes, thats correct, but it steve you want to angle the wall to save jimmy yes. So are you saying it is a ramp steve a ramp a part of a ramp [ laughter ] i thought it was rampart first blood. [ laughter ] is that not it jimmy no thats just no, rambo last blood. Steve i just lost 10 grand [ laughter ] jimmy you got to start steve to james jimmy you got to stop gambling steve bet james 10 grand jimmy you bet james 10,000 . Steve yeah i feel like a fool [ laughter and applause jimmy thank you, President Trump, for holding a a rally in new mexico. Or as you would first put it, wait, theres a new mexico . [ laughter ] we have to build a wall now [ applause ] we have to build we have to build a rampart [ laughter ] we got to build a rampart. Steve a virtual rampart. Jimmy that fries eggs. [ laughter ] steve it is a virtual wall. Jimmy fries eggs and bacon. [ laughter ] [ sizzling ] very loud wall [ laughter ] a sizzling wall. [ laughter ] thank you, motion activated bathroom lights that randomly turn off, for making me feel like im landing a 747 with my pants around my ankles [ laughter and applause come on, turn it back on steve come on. You have to stand. Jimmy what was that . [ laughter ] thank you, restaurant check that show suggested tip amounts, for basically being a a multiple choice question that asks, how cheap are you . [ laughter ] thank you very much. Those are my thank you notes we will be right back with Sylvester Stallone [ cheers and applause i knew my son could be at risk of certain cancers later in life. From an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew widespread hpv is and while hpv clears for most, that might not be the case for him. I knew his risk increases as he gets older. I knew a vaccine could help protect him at age 11 or 12, before he could be exposed. I knew so i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. man hey. N banjo . Go home. woman banjo sorry, it wont happen again. Come on, lets go home. After 10 years, weve covered a lot of miles. Good thing i got a subaru. man looks like you got out again, huh, banjo. avo love is out there. Find it in a subaru crosstrek. Could you email me the part great about geicon, tim. Making it easy to switch and save hundreds . Oh yeah, sure. Um. You dont know my name, do you . laughs nervously of course i know your name. I just get you mixed up with the other guy. Whats his name . Whats your name . Switch to geico®. You could save 15 or more on car insurance. Could you just tell me . I want this to be over. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest is a a threetime oscarnominee starring in the new film rambo last blood, which hits theaters tomorrow. Please welcome the one, the only Sylvester Stallone. [ cheers and applause jmy weome back how are you thank you. Jimmy thank you. They love you. They love you. Come on. [ cheers and applause wow jimmy oh, my goodness. They love you. We love you. Welcome back oh. Jimmy you are a movie star, buddy. Come on. We gotta go crazy to see you come on. Thank you so much for coming back [ light laughter ] if you say so [ laughter ] jimmy i want to talk about rambo. But before we get into that, i want to talk about one of your other iconic characters, which is rocky. Mmhmm. Jimmy one of my [cheering and applause]. Will there be another rocky . I have an idea, you know. But, certainly im not boxing, unless im fighting arthritis or someone like that [ laughter ] come on, art come on, artie jimmy art art thritis [ laughter ] r. T. Ritis. No [ light laughter ] or boris cartoff jimmy yeah, yeah, you get carted off yes, so i was thinking about it i have an idea but then again, you have to think about it, is the pleasure worth the pain in other words, it takes so long to develop those films. It takes six months at just working on the choreography. If you really want to tell the story, because you are telling two movies at the same time. Jimmy uhhuh if youre doing a drama then you are doing a physical one with no words, but you have to tell a story in the fight too. So, its a very elaborate setup and you go, uhh jimmy but theres such a a big audience for it. Yeah. Jimmy i mean, still to this day. Which is kind of remarkable to tell you the truth. Especially when you see Young Children going, i want to thank you. I want to, like, be a boxer. I said, no, im not a boxer no, no. [ laughter ] do not do that. Jimmy im an actor i can yell cut. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah as right as they get this close. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy but you posted something on your instagram that i thought was really cute it was a little kid watching one of the rockys. Okay. Jimmy oh, well, lets take a look at this what you posted. Oh. [ laughter ] jimmy come on. That kid is cute [ cheers and applause i mean it is the greatest. You know what you know what it really reminded me, because that child and rocky both had a load in his pants when they were training [ laughter ] jimmy lets not do that. Yeah hes got to change his diaper, ye yo,t makeyou want to fight. Jimmy uh, but that see i think the bummer about you being in these movies, is that you dont get to see the movie that we all saw. cause, do you ever see a movie that inspirational and that motivational i loved these movies so much thats yes, thank you. Jimmy but youre in them so you dont get to appreciate no, cause you sit there. It is like everyone else, you know, youre very critical of yourself so, its very hard to sit back and just enjoy it. Youre going ugh. Jimmy youre cringing. Youre going, oh, yeah that well, you know, its the same thing we all do jimmy yeah well, not me [ laughter ] everyone but you. Jimmy everything i do is perfect. Yeah but i mean, i just remember watching i mean, i have seen every rocky. But i remember after rocky iii, i was Walking Around i had i didnt have a log, but i had a wiffle ball bat. [ laughter ] i had a wiffle ball bat and i going around my back yard doing, exercising trying to be you. Well, i picked it up from Rocky Marciano and, thanks to that particular move jimmy yeah, that was knees gone jimmy is that right . Oh, god, man. It looks good on film, but no. [ laughter ] jimmy just fantasy it really is, yeah. Leave it alone jimmy oh, i just saw in this article about, Henry Winkler was talking. He said that yeah. Jimmy did you hear about this he said, the role of fonzie he based off of you no. Jimmy is that . [ laughter and applause just, wow. No. [ cheers and applause i mean, no, no it was actually, henry and i did a film called lords of flatbush. [ cheers ] jimmy absolutely, yeah and hes playing, like, the intellectual the smart guy. Jimmy yeah and i was playing the primordial ooze guy, like, the thug and we got along great jimmy yeah so, i was telling him about im writing poe. He goes, you, writing poe . You know [ laughter ] he goes like, he went to yale, and i went to the yale lot company. [ laughter ] you know, its a different thing. A whole other thing. Jimmy you went to yale. Yeah thats what it felt like. [ laughter ] and when he came out to california, i guess he took some of the mannerisms which, please, im very flattered, but it really worked for him. But, he is so nice to even bring that up. Jimmy yeah, do you you know what, were kind of shy. It is the weirdest thing actors dont hang out. Theyll do a film. Everyone goes, oh, god, were gonna be the best of friends im going to name my children after you. [ laughter ] were going to buy a house. Were going to vacation. Done jimmy done you never see them ever again. Yeah [ light laughter ] youre lucky to get, like, a on instagram. Do you find it that way with comedians . Jimmy yeah, yeah i mean, theres so many fun people up from saturday night live. I wish you hung out with all of them, but you end up having lives. I know. Jimmy and you go yeah but i mean, i remember, like be 3 00 am in the morning, or sleeping over with, you know, will ferrell and everybody im like, were like camped together mmhmm. Jimmy and just leave and go, yeah but its great to run into people yeah, it is jimmy it is fun. Like, Dolph Lundgren mmhmm. Jimmy who, i know, is your arch nemesis in a but you actually are maybe doing a tv series or something yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks, like, theres an idea we came up with called, the international. And it deals with the u. N. But a different kind of u. N. Its, like, a little hard core theres a lot of action in it, but also really feeds into who dolph is because he is international and hes incredibly intelligent. So, hes gonna bring a a different spin to the whole thing. Jimmy you didnt like him at first, right . When you i hated him [ laughter ] jimmy you just didnt like his vibe or what okay, let me see if i can relate to you. I wanted to in rocky iv i really wanted a big, horrible, vicious guy. I mean, like, a primitive. And i couldnt find him. I mean, im finding giant wrestlers, Football Players and that and then all of a sudden, like, the door is open, smoke comes in, theres light. [ laughter ] jimmy a smoke machine. [ laughter ] theres this thing with, you know, with proceeding hairline, and the high, had shoulders this wide. Like, everything is perfect. Jimmy yeah yeah, i mean, even his calves are coming through his clothing like, just, muscular and im going, the blue eyes are starring into my soul. He was like the real terminator. And i go, i hate this freaking guy. I hate him. [ laughter ] hes just too goodlooking. Too perfect. And if i loath him, im sure the world will. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah just cause he was, like no, hes not really, but he looks liked something that is 1,000 years in the future. Jimmy he he does. Hes a robot almost. Yeah, its, like, this is not a guy you see waiting on your table jimmy no yeah, you rang . Jimmy yeah [ laughter ] yeah no. Jimmy and now you guys are doing something together maybe yeah, yeah, yeah. So, hopefully were going to do that film together where maybe ill direct it or i will produce it, and then we may do another expendables. Jimmy oh, my gosh. [cheering and applause]. Jimmy this is great. Oh, i love it. Perfect. Lets talk about rambo because everyone okay. Jimmy is buzzing about rambo. This is ramla bod. That, should i assume oh, yeah, this is when hes preparing. A lot of things have happened in his life recently, tragic and hes now preparing for, dare i say it, revenge [ laughter ] jimmy yeah hes looking for revenge looking for a little payback here jimmy what does last blood mean . Does it mean it is the last one . Yeah. Well, i have two ways of saying it theres thinking about it its like, last blood, we killed so many people theres no more blood left in the world. [ laughter ] jimmy in the whole world the whole world jimmy yeah, exactly. We need more blood. I was going to call it transfusion, but it was taken. [ laughter ] jimmy rambo transfusion. What is the plot of this one the plot is he comes home after 11 years and he doesnt know who is in the house. He realizes his father has died, his mother has passed on and the house that was left to loyal employees and he now has a family he just integrates himself and he raises like, hes the godfather to this one child, now shes 17 yearsold jimmy shes great, by the way. Yeah, thank you and the one who plays the grandmother is an oscarnominated actress. And hes just so terrified, like, a lot of fathers, they dont want their daughters, their assumed daughters, or even the ones that theyre acting as their guardian to go into the real world. Because he still has ptsd. He can only function on his ranch. Jimmy yeah soon as he goes outside the border, he goes, i dont have control. And i know things are going to happen. Well, she goes to see her father, who she hasnt seen. He just left and shes curious to ask him, why did you desert me . And rambo begs her not to go she changes her mind and goes. And thats when things happen. Jimmy yeah, thats not cool yeah, you dont mess with rambo. Just dont go. Dont go yeah dont jimmy i wanna show a clip. Heres Sylvester Stallone as rambo, preparing for his revenge in, rambo last blood. Take a look at this. Jimmy yeah [ cheers and applause thats what im talking about. Sylvester stallone, everybody. [ cheers and applause rambo last blood, opens tomorrow well be right back with cedric the entertainer stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause dramatic orchestra performance comes in lots of flavors. Theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. Oooooooooo. Ill show you something neeeeeewwww. Im gonna make you moooooove. Ill show you something, ill show you something. Neeeeeewwww. Ill show you something, ill show you something. Another foodie trip. Who even cares . 211 people. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. That fish is done, carol. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Tmobiles newest signal reaches farther than ever before. With more engineers. More towers. More coverage its a network that gives you freedom from big cities, to small towns, were with you. 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With all that usaa offers why go with anybody else . We know their rates are good, we know that theyre always going to take care of us. It was an instant savings and i should have changed a long time ago. It was funny because when we would call another insurance company, hey would say oh we cant beat usaa were the webber family. Were the tenneys were the hayles, and were usaa members for life. Get your usaa Auto Insurance quote today. [ cheers and applause jimmy our next guest is a very talented man. He is one of the stars and executive producers of the neighborhood, which returns for season two monday night at 8 00 p. M. On cbs. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome cedric the entertainer [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, gosh thats nice, man. Jimmy oh, i love you, man. Welcome back whats up, brother . Jimmy thank you so much for being here i want to talk about season two of the neighborhood. Yeah. Jimmy and actually i want to talk about your actual neighborhood where youre from in st. Louis you have a street named after you. Oh, thats awesome. [ cheers and applause yeah jimmy cedric the entertainer way you have a street. Got a way it is a whole thing, man you know, you know, to go back to the hometown and have your own street, brother. You know people just calling you like, ced, im on your street. Jimmy yeah [ laughter ] im like, yeah, okay, thanks. You know [ laughter ] jimmy thats it . Yeah, it is not i cant do anything. Jimmy do you get phone calls if theres, like, problems if theres, like of course thats what like, ced, theres a pothole on your street, man. You need to take care of this. [ laughter ] jimmy no, no, no no, no. Jimmy you cant do that. Do something for the streets, bro jimmy yeah what happens on that street . What i got a lot of nice things on there, though you know, like people you know, its the neighborhood. Jimmy yeah so then we have, like, interesting got the chinese restaurant, which is very st. Louis. And then theres the Jamaican Embassy for no reason. [ laughter ] they just decided to open it which allowed for the weed place to be across the street. [ laughter ] jimmy wow, theres a lot happening on this street i got rules, though i mean, its the main thing i tell people, dont steal nobody amazon packages on my street thats the big thing [ laughter ] jimmy thats the one thing its the one rule. You cant do that. Im not i dont want those calls. Like, people be stealing peoples amazon packages jimmy yeah, no, no, no not on your street no yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy another big thing for you. You have a star on the hollywood walk of fame yeah. Jimmy that is a big deal [ cheers and applause yeah. That was jimmy thats unbelievable. I mean, thats cool, man, i mean, you know jimmy that means you made it, dude it does i mean, somebody added some gum. Somebody showed me a picture of, they had put, like, a old piece of gum on there. I literally called them and was like, hey, get the gum off my name. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah yeah, and they were like, well, if you fix your pothole first. Oh. [ laughter ] that person. Jimmy yeah, yeah that neighbor jimmy that same person yeah same neighbor yeah jimmy thats pretty cool when i first moved to l. A. , i lived a block over from the hollywood. So it was great to be able to, like because i would walk up there to see the stars and then to come back years later and have my you know a star there, it was great i know you got one you know what its like. I mean you got one, right . Im sure [ light laughter ] jimmy no, i actually dont have one [ laughter ] [ sad trombone ] oh, thats kimmel [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, its jimmy kimmel i got my jimmys mixed up. Jimmy your jimmys messed up yeah, sorry about that yeah, no problem [ laughter ] but it jimmy oh, my gosh. But im sorry but a street though. Because youre, like, from up there. I know they named a street after you after all of this time, like, in your hometown like [ laughter ] like jimmy no, no, they havent no, no [ laughter ] [ sad trombone ] [ applause ] my hometown your hometown jimmy my hometown named the street jimmy kimmel way. [ laughter ] you know what, i did movie which i loved. I did the movie taxi with queen latifah. Yeah. Jimmy i loved it i had so much fun doing this film it didnt really work, it didnt open. And i knew it wasnt going to work when this happened. I went to my hometown. When i came out, i said, you know what im going to do. Im going to the Movie Theater that i grew up in. And im going to go in and thank the audience and pay for all of the tickets and buy all of their drinks and popcorn. And say, without you, i wouldnt be who i am so i just want to thank you, my hometown. And so i went to the theater, it was now a triplex. They have three movies oh, wow jimmy i went there and they werent playing my movie [ laughter ] they were not playing your movie . Jimmy no [ sad trombone ] wow. [ laughter ] i go, wow. How many kids from your hometown is in a starring in a movie and youre not going to play it . Go up there talking, theyre like, down in front [ laughter ] jimmy yeah now, i yeah yeah, i dont get any no respect. But, you know, thats where thats what makes us comedians, right . You right, man. Jimmy you started as a didnt you work as an undercover Security Guard in sears . Thats so funny it was true. And i dont even know how you could be an undercover Security Guard. But in sears, yeah, i wore regular clothes. [ laughter ] jimmy like, what does that mean walk me through this what does it mean . So, i mean, you kind of wear regular sears clothes, so you mix in [ laughter ] jimmy are you a mannequin . Like, a moving you stand there . [ laughter ] no, you no, you just kind of walk around and look like youre shopping for stuff and you just keep your eye on people like, hey. But a guy walked out with a lawnmower one time and i had no idea he was stealing it [ laughter ] jimmy stole a lawnmower . It is such a bold move. Could you imagine jimmy no just, like, grabbing a lawnmower and just walking out . [ laughter ] i was like, obviously that guy bought that lawnmower. Theres no way. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, theres no way you wouldnt steal a lawnmower [ applause ] i went and got the door for him. Hey, here you go, buddy. Jimmy you open the door for him. Hey, hey, get out of here. [ laughter ] jimmy wow. Cant be walking jimmy wow, he took a a lawnmower. Thats the way to do it. Yeah, and so jimmy because thats the thing. I got fired jimmy yeah [ laughter ] hows the fam . How is everybody doing in the family its good, man. Jimmy yeah my son is off to college, his first year jimmy is that right . Yeah. Jimmy thats the thing they grow up went to arizona so, you know [ cheers ] arizona . Jimmy arizona is beautiful hes off to party in college. [ laughter ] jimmy that really is yeah, oh, thats a beautiful place. A fun place to party who is this beautiful little girl your granddaughter yeah, thats is my granddaughter, kylo. [ audience aws ] jimmy aw, my gosh. I call her my grand cookie. Jimmy aw [ audience aws ] how old is she she is three, man she, like, right after that cute picture jimmy yeah she grabbed and smashed my hat up, right then jimmy yeah [ laughter ] oh, ah. [ laughter ] jimmy do you like being a grandpa . I do. I mean, its cute. I mean, you know, because she was just visiting and she came in they were leaving you know, you got grand kids, like, the purpose of them. Jimmy yeah they come in and she was there for three or four days and it was like, okay, bye, guys. [ laughter ] jimmy time to go no, no bye. [ laughter ] im gon get some sleep [ laughter ] jimmy lets talk about the neighborhood. Congrats, season two yeah. Jimmy happened on monday night over on cbs. Yeah, man jimmy you when you first got involved, you told me that there was something you thought was missing. Yeah, yeah. You know, it was our executive director, i mean, producer jim reynolds, it was about his story. You know, moving into a black neighborhood but he didnt really have the perspective of the black people so when he was writing it, it was more like what he thought black people thought and i was like, nah. You know [ laughter ] jimmy yeah its just, like, so thats when i got involved and we were able to kind of, like, gel and make the show what i you know, what it turned out to be and its really been successful and were having a lot of fun th it,an, so jimmy you gotta be proud of it yeah, man jimmy its a great show. Yeah, im having a great time great cast, you know, max and Tichina Arnold jimmy yeah beth behrs, were having a great time, man. Jimmy thats fun i want to show everyone a clip heres cedric the entertainer in the neighborhood. Take a look at this. Calvin, you in the kitchen . Oh, we just letting ourselves into each others houses now [ laughter ] picked up the napkins and the plates went with the clear ones, so you can see the food from both sides. [ laughter ] ooh, looks like youre making your sauce yeah, thats right. Everyone back at home loved my sauce i have a secret ingredient oh, good. Why dont you keep it a secret [ laughter ] jimmy do me a favor. [ cheers and applause yeah, man jimmy do me a favor, keep that a secret. Yeah, exactly jimmy cedric the entertainer, everybody. [ cheers and applause the neighborhood returns to cbs on monday night. Well be right back with standup from mark normand stick around, everybody. 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With moderate to severe Crohns Disease, i was there, just not always where i needed to be. Is she alright . I hope so. So i talked to my doctor about humira. I learned humira is for people who still have symptoms of Crohns Disease after trying other medications. And the majority of people on humira saw significant symptom relief and many achieved remission in as little as 4 weeks. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Antell your doctorng if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Be there for you, and them. Ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, remission is possible. Snow leopards are almost impossible to find, with ai we can protect what we cant see. But we need to know where they are, because they are threatened. Our camera traps allow us to have and eye in the mountains, taking thousands of pictures. Microsoft ai scans through all these images, and separates Snow Leopards from everything else, in ten minutes instead of ten days. It gives us time to do better research, and save this threatened species. [ cheers and applause jimmy our next guest can be seen at the sacramento punch line, september 26th through the 28th please welcome the very funny mark norman, everybody [cheering and applause]. Hey, hey. All right. Thanks so i feel a little sluggish. I really did it up last night. I got to take it easy on the booze, you know. My cousins a doctor he thinks we should get rid of alcohol. Said it kills 2 1 2 Million People every year, which is sad, but, i mean, think of how many people it produces. [ laughter ] got to be, like, threetoone, you know [ laughter ] if my parents didnt drink, i might not be here. [ laughter ] im definitely going to name my kids after the substance that got them conceived this is my daughter tequila and this is my son yeager. What about the kid hugging your leg . [ laughs ] thats molly. [ laughter ] yeah, i went out with my friend uh, hes gay we get along really well hes gay, im broke. I feel, like, poor people and gay people have a lot in common, you know, right . Both born that way, yeah [ laughter ] yeah women just want to be our friends. [ laughter ] and when you finally tell your parents theyre, like, yeah, we knew. [ laughter ] yeah [cheering and applause] yeah, we were drinking that white claw. Oh, you guys ever touch yeah, it is too much i like white claw because it sounds like the new marvel hero, white claw. [ laughter ] sounds like wolverines over privileged nephew, you know . [ laughter ] white claws superpower would be showing up to a wedding in flipflops and driving his dads boat while hitting a a juul [ laughter ] yeah im doing better though. I used to blackout four or five nights a week. Ive cut back. Now my phone is my main addiction. My brother goes, hey, phone addiction, better than alcohol. I dont know, same side effects. Both dangerous while driving both when i go to it im nervous at party and both have helped us all sleep with very regrettable people [ laughter ] right, the phone is just the new booze. Both are fun, but if you do it for too long it just becomes depressing [ laughter ] yeah, you drink too much, youre, like, i hate myself. You look at your phone too long youre, like, ah, even jeff found love ah. [ laughter ] [ laughter and applause it is too much too much yeah my biggest fear used to be the bar closing. That was like my biggest fear. Now my biggest fear is my phone dying, you know . Which is pretty good 100 years ago we had real problems my baby has the black lung, she might not make it through the night. Im, like, im at 2 i might actually have to feel something. [ laughter ] yeah [ laughter and applause im hooked oh, geez yeah, i used to carry a battery pack on me now in case my phone dies thats insane. Thats like carrying a flask to fill up your empty flask [ laughter ] thats where im at. And i dont even know, can you quit a phone, you know if somebody says, hey, i gave up drinking. I go, good for you. If somebody says, i gave up my phone. Im, like, how did you get here . [ laughter ] the phone is ruining our lives its bad you know, i was walking down third avenue i was next to a homeless guy he was drunk, i was on my phone. Were doing the same stuff [ laughter ] yeah he was yelling about the government im tweeting at trump. Yeah [ laughter ] hes creepily staring at beautiful women. Im scrolling through instagram, you know . [ laughter ] hes flashing everybody. Im sending a photo of mine. [ laughter ] yeah [ cheers ] i dont know, we uh [ cheers ] we dont know how to connect anymore. You know, my friend just got dumped so i took him out, tried to wing man him meet some ladies for him didnt go too well, you know he got upset hes, like, screw this, lets go to a strip club. I dont get that logic you know, to me thats, like, going fishing, not cating anything and being, like, screw this, lets go to the aquarium. [ laughter ] its the same thing. [ applause ] oh, yeah the only difference is no one leaves an aquarium going, ill tell ya, i think that flounder was into me. [ laughter ] thats one hot piece of bass. [ laughter ] so, yeah i dont know well figure it out. I got to figure something out. Im 35 you know, im at the age when all of my friends are getting divorced [ laughter ] and, yeah, it is tough im surprised people still want toet married that shocks me especially younger people. Theyre so against traditional stuff, you know. But yet every lady i know is dying to get married, which blows my mind. Ladies, youve come so far, so much progress, yet when it comes to marriage you guys get very Old Fashioned i want the ring and the dress and the party. What . Grow up. [ laughter ] ladies, youre killing it. Go frolic, be free but it is my special day. All right, why do you have to ruin mine . [ laughter ] i dont know, but thats why you ladies are brilliant you gals are geniuses, ladies, because you guys tend to be the ones who want to get married, yet somehow you designed it to where the man asks you [ laughter ] thats jedilevel mind trick, right there. [ laughter ] yes, well played right . Genius ladies, genius. Youre like, yoda. I want to get married but youll ask me. Yes, you go it. And youll get down on one knee. No problem. And youll buy me an expensive ring. Will do. And whose idea was this . All mine. [ laughter ] well played ladies, well played i dont know my marriage just feels like the least romanic thing on the planet. Its legal ugh. [ laughter ] l got to go to the courthouse, get a license. Whats the license for thats the only license we dont check by the way drivers license, liquor license, people check a fishing license. Im going to start checking marriage license [ laughter ] next time i see a short, broke, weird guy, hes, like, thats my hot wife over there. Im gonna be, like, let me see some id. [ laughter ] thanks a lot im kevin hart. Thank you. [ cheers and applause jimmy visit marknormancomedy. Com well be right back. Yeah, they love you, buddy you did great. [cheering and applause]. Cake in the Conference Room showing em youre ready. To be your own boss. Thats the beauty of your smile. Crests three dimensional whitening. Removes stains,. Whitens inbetween teeth. And protects from future stains. Crest. Healthy, beautiful smiles for life. Diarrhea . new pepto diarrhea to the rescue its three times concentrated liquid formula coats and kills bacteria to relieve diarrhea. The leading competitor only treats symptoms. It does nothing to kill the bacteria. Treat diarrhea at its source with new pepto diarrhea. The juul record. They took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Juul marketed mango, mint, and menthol flavors, addicting kids to nicotine. Five million kids now using ecigarettes. The fda said juul ignored the law with Misleading Health claims. Now juul is pushing prop c, to overturn san franciscos ecigarette protections. Say no to juul, no to big tobacco, no to prop c. Has been excellent. They really appreciate the military family and it really shows. With all that usaa offers why go with anybody else . We know their rates are good, we know that theyre always going to take care of us. It was an instant savings and i should have changed a long time ago. It was funny because when we would call another insurance company, hey would say oh we cant beat usaa were the webber family. Were the tenneys were the hayles, and were usaa members for life. Get your usaa Auto Insurance quote today. [ cheers and applause jimmy my thanks to Sylvester Stallone, cedric the entertainer, brad pitt, mark normand once again. [ cheers and applause and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania stay tuned for late night with seth myers. Thank you for watching have a great night i hope to see you tomorrow byebye, everybody [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight Glenn Howerton president ial candidate, andrew yang, author, margaret atwood, featuring the 8g band with Yesod Williams [ cheers and applause laes and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause great to hear. In that case, lets get to the news during a visit to the u. S. mexico border yesterday, President Trump claimed the new wall is designed to absorb, heat