[ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy oh my goodness look at these guys wow thank you. Welcome, please have a seat. [ cheers and applause welcome. Thank you very, very much. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Youre here. You made it. Thank you very much. [ cheers and applause very exciting show tonight Kendall Jenner is here tonight oh my goodness [ cheers and applause desus mero are here tonight. Tanya tucker is here tonight with Brandi Carlile. [ cheers and applause steve whoa jimmy what a show. Were just buzzing i mean, earlier tonight the nfl season kicked off with the Green Bay Packers taking on the chicago bears. Everybody was excited. Now we get to watch football, and more importantly we get to drink in the middle of the week, yes. [ cheers and applause so tonight was the big packers bears game both teams played great, but in the end the big winner between the two cities was once again peptobismol [ light laughter ] but right now, the Kansas City Chiefs are the big favorites to win the super bowl while the biggest underdogs, are the Miami Dolphins now, the dolphins are 500 to 1 long shots to win it all you can tell theyre depressed when they run out of the tunnel the music in the stadium is adele. [ laughter ] seriously, i am so pumped that football is back for once itll be nice to see someone fumble that isnt joe biden. [ laughter ] [ applause ] speaking of speaking of biden, did you guys see him on cnns town hall last night . This is real it was crazy he was onstage, and he just started bleeding from his eye. I swear. Check out this is real. Look at this [ audience groans i dont know if he wants to be president or the next bond villain. [ laughter ] i think Climate Change is real mr. Bond [ laughter ] no more straws for you, mr. Bond the turtles will see to that [ laughter ] but back to football, i saw that the eagles offensive line just posed naked in espn the magazines body issue. Take a look at this. This is real wow. [ cheers ] they look like a boy band that fell on really hard times. [ laughter ] the just changed their slogan from fly eagles fly to why, eagles why . [ laughter ] this is pretty big i dont know if you guys saw this story about trump and a a sharpie. Do you know its trending right now. Its a pretty long story but lets just get right into it ill start from the beginning. This weekend, trump tweeted that alabama would be hit by Hurricane Dorian even after the National Weather service said that wasnt the case trump tweeted, in addition to florida, south carolina, north carolina, georgia and alabama will most likely be hit much harder then anticipated. But in real life alabama was never in any danger so [ laughter ] rather than admit he made a mistake, yesterday trump doubled down, and presented an old map that showed the path of the hurricane, and it looks like a small addition was made just take a look see if you can find the it was going to be hitting directly and that would have affected a lot of other states, but that was the original chart. [ laughter ] jimmy i dont know if you saw dave, can we zoom in on that map. Can you [ laughter ] do you see that clearly thats clearly another drawing what [ cheers and applause theres clearly yeah, someone, and im not saying who clearly used a sharpie to draw another circle around alabama to back up his claim, and then added it to this map. People were shocked that he didnt draw it to look like this [ laughter ] and clearly he drew on the map americans saw that, and were like, dont let him anywhere near the constitution, please. [ light laughter ] as you can see, our Founding Fathers clearly wanted free guac at chipotle [ laughter ] thats what they [ cheers and applause i didnt do it someone else did that to the constitution but after the embarrassment, trump tweeted a different map showing that dorian would hit alabama yet again. Take a look. Yeah, you know, something about that photo made me think, and i was like, i was looking at that i was like, why does he love this, why is he so attached to that map, and i think i can see why. Check this out [ wind ] [ laughter ] yeah, there you are. Its like his hair [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause as i mentioned before, last night cnn hosted 2 2020 democrats for seven hours of town halls focused on Climate Change seven hours. Even cspan was like [ snoring and during last nights town hall, Bernie Sanders received a question from a member of the audience, and it brings us to a new segment called, get to know the voter. Enjoy. I have large feet. Jimmy some more 2020 news, i saw that [ laughter ] i saw that bill de blasio [ laughter ] bill de blasio is thinking about dropping out of the president ial race next month steve aw jimmy when he told his family, they were like, we thought you dropped out six weeks ago, but this is terrible news. [ laughter ] this is strange here a bride told her maid of honor that she could wear anything she wanted to her wedding, and so she decided to dress up like a trex. [ laughter ] this is real take a look at this. Yeah [ laughter ] [ applause ] it was funny until she dropped the ring and said, okay, someone please, im sorry. [ laughter ] this is awkward. Oh, boy, could someone [ laughter ] it got even weirder when one of the grooms was like, hey doug, whats her deal . [ laughter ] finally, the big movie this weekend is it chapter two. [ cheers and applause yeah, im excited. I dont know if youve seen the trailer, but its pretty scary take a look at this. [ laughter ] weve got a great show give it up for the roots come on over here. [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you very much. Roots, thank you very much [ cheers and applause steve oh jimmy we have a great show tonight. Kendall jenner is here this evening. [ cheers and applause steve come on. Jimmy the very funny desus mero are here. Steve oh [ cheers and applause jimmy and weve got great, great music with tanya tucker featuring Brandi Carlile [ cheers and applause oh, my goodness. A legend, she is awesome right there. Guys, were doing something fun. This sunday night after the patriots steelers game right here on nbc, were going to be airing an all new tonight show. Weve never done that on a a sunday before. [ cheers and applause sunday night, sunday night tonight show. Never been done in the history of the tonight show as i believe. I dont know if we have a story in here. Steve it hasnt been done. Jimmy thank you, and weve got a good one we have jamie foxx and michael b. Jordan on the show sunday Kelly Clarkson is going to be on, and maybe, just maybe well have a little surprise with post malone. But anyways, you have to tune in to find out this sunday night after the game, its a a brandnew tonight show you dont want to miss guys, we have a great show tonight. [ applause ] and were going to kick it off with one of our favorite games, it is time for pour it out. Come on, here we go. Pour it out pour it ou pour it ou pour it out [ cheers and applause jimmy get your shots ready playing alongside me tonight, you can see her in the newest season keeping up with the kardashians, starting this sunday on e please welcome Kendall Jenner. Pour it out pour it ou pour it ou pour it out [ cheers and applause jimmy im so sorry look at that oh my goodness [ applause ] now, heres how it works heres how it works. Each shot sits on a coaster that has a personal question written on it. Okay youll read the question silently, but youll give your answer out loud. Then youll have to choose whether to share what the question was, or can you take the shot, and keep it a secret however you must reveal at least one question during the course of the game tonight, americas finally going to get all the answers, just not all the questions you ready to play . Yes jimmy alright, here you go kendall, you go first with this one. This one here jimmy yeah, and under the coaster it should tell you what the name of the shot is, as well what is the shot keeping up with the kardaiquiris. Jimmy yeah, there you go right there. Gorgeous okay. Jimmy so dont read the question out loud, but just give us an answer. Um, oh shoot. [ laughter ] scott. Jimmy scott. Yeah. Jimmy as in the scott. Like, disick. Jimmy whoah, thats the answer thats my answer. Jimmy dont you drink that shot just yet. That question could be anything the answers scott disick. I feel like i could say it. Im not going to take the shot jimmy oh, okay what is the question which of your sisters exes do you like the most jimmy oh, thats nice to hear is it scott . Scott, yeah jimmy alright, good. I agree with that. Thats good. I will take that one i wonder what mines going to be so, i dont have to take that jimmy you dont. Youre good. Yay [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah, youre good for the this one is, okay, oh, okay. Smaller than you think [ audience ohs ] i mean shorter [ drum roll shorter. Whoa. Jimmy shorter than you think. Kind of the rumors are true [ laughter ] jimmy oh my god. No, no, no, no, no, no no me hey [ laughter ] im kidding jimmy no, absolutely not im definitely going to read the question on this one and im going to do the shot both what was your First Impression of madonna okay. Jimmy shes smaller. Shes smaller than you think. Jimmy shes tiny, shes tiny and perfect okay, thats not what i expected jimmy which would be my answer to the other question if that [ laughter ] [ applause ] you took it jimmy okay, what is the name of i love this shot glass victorias other secret is the name [ laughter ] jimmy ooh a shot glass lingerie nice okay. Uhm, to swallow. [ laughter ] im not saying what the question is, cause i could never. [ laughter ] jimmy what oh, my gosh. Wait, whats going on. Oh my god. [ cheers and applause oh my goodness. Jimmy how does it taste . Its not bad. Jimmy yeah, yeah just okay little lingerie, its so cute [ light laughter ] jimmy okay okay uhm. Okay tracy morgan what . [ laughter ] [ laughter ] jimmy no i want to know. Jimmy no, no, no, no no i want to know. Jimmy kirk, you hold that. Thats yeah, thats no one can see that give it [ cymbal crash ] jimmy dont give that question to anyone dont give that question to anyone no one can see it. Well then, can i throw mine away too jimmy tracy, you know whats up. Tracy, tracy morgan. Definitely, yeah without a doubt. Without a doubt. Absolutely i want to throw mine away jimmy no, okay yeah, i kind of want to see yours. No. Jimmy let me take a quick, just see if i can see what it says chrissy ate hers, huh i want to eat ill eat mine later. Jimmy alright, this is the final round. Were both going to answer the same question for this one okay and if we choose not to reveal what the question was, well have to down the shots together okay. Jimmy are you ready for this so, were in this together. Jimmy yeah do you want to read it . Then well say it. Jimmy yeah, the name of the shot is the banana wintour okay. [ laughter ] so good. Wait, i hate bananas jimmy i know, we know that i told you guys i hate bananas. [ laughter ] i cant drink [ cymbal crash ] jimmy now you have to tell us no. Jimmy oh, we didnt know that im sorry. I meant to say, we dont know that thats so unfair. Jimmy we didnt know that from having you on [ foghorn all the time we thought you loved bananas thats so unfair. Thats just a lie. Jimmy actually, no it actually looks like banana, but does not taste like banana we made sure okay. Okay, okay, okay jimmy okay, lets read the thing. Ooh. Okay okay. Jimmy okay should i go first . I have a maybe. Oh, i feel like i have a good one i feel like i have a really nice one jimmy really yeah. Jimmy me too [ laughter ] chris evans and brie larson. Okay. Jimmy you like that . Yeah, thats an excellent, actually actually i really like them jimmy yeah, theyre great, right . Yeah, thats good. Um, im going to say brad pitt and rihanna. Jimmy really really [ laughter ] really right jimmy wow. Come on jimmy really yeah. Jimmy wow. Should we take the shot or reveal the question . [ crowd shouting ] no, they dont care at all [ crowd shouting ] oh oh. Jimmy theyre rewriting theyre rewriting the game [ applause ] thats not bad at all. Thats not bad. Jimmy and i got the rest of the show to go that wasnt banana. Jimmy interview no it wasnt the question was, name two celebrities that youd want to set up with each other wouldnt that be the most gorgeous child Jimmy Brad Pitt and rihanna. I think chris evans and brie larson. Most gorgeous child jimmy captain and captain. I dont think thats a bad idea jimmy captain, right captain america, captain marvel, captain captain. So good jimmy and marvels never had an onscreen couple, right have they . This is a first. Im making history have they . Its not a bad idea what was the one with the stone in his head . Jimmy the one with the stone in his head . [ laughter ] i still dont know what theyre talking about. Jimmy i dont know what theyre talking about, yeah. Oh, its scarlet witch and who and vision yeah, but they dated in real life vision and the other one. Jimmy no, im talking about dating in real life. [ laughter ] im not talking about cosplay. Im talking about [ laughter ] chris evans. Chris evans and brie there you have it. Kendall jenner, everybody. Please give it up for Kendall Jenner [ cheers and applause you were a good sport. What is that one there more with kendall after the break, stick around everybody. [ cheers and applause shrimp yeah red lobsters endless shrimp is back for just 15. 99. Get all the shrimp you want, any way you want em. Like new srirachahoney shrimp, savory grilled teriyaki shrimp, classic shrimp scampi and more red lobsters endless shrimp is 15. 99. Hurry in. This is a surface laptop 2. And this is a real person named mackenzie book. Hi, im mac book. So mac, which laptop lasts longer . Surface laptop lasts longer. Hmm, interesting. And which ones faster . This really . Amazing. Which one has a better touchscreen . The surface has a better touchscreen. Because it actually has a touchscreen. Oh, right. Macs dont have touchscreens. You should get a surface. Trust me, im mac book. Well, there you have it. Mac book says, get a surface. Hashtag vacay. Sonoma . I want wine with lunch. Its 11am, cindy. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. The versatile chevy equinox. The stylish allnew chevy blazer. And the roomy Chevy Traverse with seating for up to eight. The chevy family of suvs. No matter what youre looking for in an suv, chevys got you covered. Get zero percent financing for sixty months plus seven hundred and fifty dollars on most 2019 equinox models. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest is one of the most successful supermodels in the world you can see her in season 17 of keeping up with the kardashians, which returns this sunday at 9 00 p. M. On e please welcome Kendall Jenner [ cheers and applause jimmy welcome back thank you so much. Whats up jimmy hey, pal hey jimmy so you really think brad pitt and rihanna, that would be i feel like come on. Jimmy but you theyre so gorgeous jimmy well, you just saw you just saw brad at because i know kanye had his this service. Yeah. Jimmy he does. He services on sunday and yeah. Jimmy brad pitt went to it he did. He was there he i thk hes been a couple times but that was the first time that i was there when he was there. And i literally left early i i couldnt even i just saw once upon a time in hollywood. And it was so good and he just, like, gets better with age and i was like, i got to go. Like jimmy why . You didnt want to meet him . No. Because isnt there a saying, like, dont ever meet your superhero or whatever . I dont know i just like love him so much im like, im just going to leave it at that. Jimmy wow. And i could leave. I get nervous. Jimmy no way and i, like jimmy well, if i got but you would get nervous. Youd probably be nervous meeting you. Please [ laughter ] i have i know, nfl just kicked off tonight was a big deal and everyone is talking about football and i was looking through old photos and information about you. And i found that you were a cheerleader. Yeah. Jimmy and i didnt know that oh, my goodness jimmy heres a photo of you. No [ laughter ] jimmy its so cute come on. [ audience aws ] that is awesome. I was a cheerleader jimmy were you really into it i was into it i think i was more into it because there was a really cute boy on the Football Team that i really liked [ laughter ] jimmy oh, really so i was like, i want to be a cheerleader. But i ended up making some of my two best friends are from are girls that i met from cheer so it all ended up working out and i had so much fun. It was a really cool experience but i still we took a class to learn football. And i still dont i cant follow it. I just dont really know whats going on [ laughter ] jimmy you know the rules of no. Jimmy yeah im more of a basketball girl jimmy yeah, i i like im a a basketball jimmy i learned how because my parents are both from brooklyn. And they know how i know the rules of stick ball. I can do that. But football is not a thing. So i learned from playing video games. Shut up, really jimmy john madden football that makes sense. Jimmy taught me how to play [ light laughter ] all the rules of football i know from that do you remember any cheers yeah, i could show you one. Jimmy you could . But you have to really do it jimmy oh, ill do it with you . Yeah, come on jimmy i mean, ill do it if i can do it. I dont know im very its not hard [ cheers and applause its an easy one jimmy its an easy one okay. So it goes, sierra jimmy okay, what, sierra lets hear it jimmy alrighty rolls its like a deodorant roll [ laughter ] jimmy thats not how you put on deodorant swear to god. Swear to god this is how they explained it jimmy thats not how you put on deodorant when i was in high school so jimmy im going to start doing that so, sierra. Jimmy sierra lets hear it jimmy lets hear it. Pump up jimmy oh, my gosh. [ laughter ] so, wait, is sierra so it goes, sierra, lets hear it. Jimmy lets hear it. Pump jimmy pump up. [ laughter ] the spirit. Jimmy the spirit okay, good this is handle jimmy sierra, lets hear it pump up the spirit yeah, sierra, lets hear it jimmy okay, ready . Pump up that spirit jimmy all right. So sierra jimmy sierra [ laughter ] lets hear it. Pump up the spirit [ cheers and applause i love it jimmy dude deodorant roll. Jimmy i love this move yeah, the deodorant roll. Jimmy this is going to be my new wedding dance im going to, like oh, its not [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause youre welcome. Jimmy oh, thank you so much oh, my gosh. [ light laughter ] what was what was sierra . That was the name of the sierra can i go i went to a School Called sierra canyon. Jimmy hey, shout out to those guys yeah. Shout out. Jimmy how is hows the baby the new baby psalm jimmy yes. Everythings great. Jimmy yeah yeah, hes awesome. Hes so adorable jimmy hes so cute i actually got kidnapped when he was born i hadnt i was out of town the day he was born. So i didnt see him for a couple of days kim made me come to her house and help her pick a name and it was this whole thing. She would not let me leave the house until we figured out a a name jimmy really and then ended up going with a name that i didnt even that i didnt care for as much jimmy yeah jimmy i think they were all really beautiful but i was like i was kind of rooting for another name jimmy people the name to go yeah yeah. Jimmy shes like, then take it . Sat there for hours jimmy wow. Made me watch made me watch the saddest movie of all time [ light laughter ] and i cried my eyes out. And im leaving the house crying jimmy wasnt anything i was in, right . Wasnt any comedies i was in, was it no. [ laughter ] it was five feet apart. Jimmy no, i dont know that oh, my go, i sobbed with cole sprouse. Jimmy no sobbed. I was it was so sad jimmy really and i left there just like a wreck. Jimmy a wreck. The names didnt even jimmy you didnt even take my idea. And im totally depressed. Yeah yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy did she have a list of names and they show, like you just go through them yeah, she had a couple. I think there was two or three that they were picking from. And she was home alone, i think. And she was just like, come over, help me figure it out. And i just need someone here. I feel like i was the only person that was available. Jimmy yeah oh, no and, um and then, yeah, she ended up going with psalm. Jimmy i saw that north west is giving you a little run for your money there i know, she is. Jimmy because people are saying, who wore it better. Because, yeah because you were wearing this. And then heres baby north west wearing the same top hello [ laughter ] what is going on we actually got it from the same prada outlet. And i we had no idea. And then she wore it thats probably they probably tailored it to child size jimmy yeah and then i tailored mine to be cropped and tiny. So it really does look like were wearing the same shirt but, no, they were they were different shirts jimmy yeah, of course, yeah to clear that up. Jimmy do you think shell get into fashion and oh my god for sure. Jimmy they have to, right . Shes obsessed. And shes so good at it. Its crazy she she does all her outfits now. And kanye just buys her all these fun clothes and kim, as well and its just like its so cool shes really creative. And its really fun to watch jimmy on this season of keeping up with the kardashians, were about to show a clip right here this is a clip of you getting ready for the met gala oh, yeah. Jimmy big deal, met metropolitan museum of art, they have a you were there. Jimmy i was there. You were there. Jimmy i dont know how but i snuck in and i was there. [ light laughter ] i saw you. You looked gorgeous. Thank you jimmy but, do you remember we were there do you remember what we did with jareds head jimmy yeah yeah. Jimmy we actually held jared letos head. Yeah. Jimmy jared leto arrived with a real [ laughter ] thats jared letos head it was kind of heavy, too, no jimmy it was too realistic yeah, it was really realistic. Jimmy heres a picture of me and you when i first discovered well, no, i think i was, like, sneaking by and i [ laughter ] jimmy i was like, jared, what is going on . Youre like, i got to get out of this, man. [ laughter ] like, what am i doing . That was a super fun night, though did you have fun i had so much fun jimmy me, too. I thought it was, like it was one of my favorites just cause i thought it was so cool to see everyone really go for it with the whole camp theme jimmy yeah, that was loose so jimmy and i was like dancing yeah. Jimmy with everybody yeah. Jimmy it was so much fun i loved it well, you look gorgeous there. I want to show everyone a clip heres a look from the episode from this season of keeping up with the kardashians. Take a look at this. [ indiscernible this versace, its kim. You look hot. You look beautiful. Oh, my god. You look like a little barbie. A little doll. [ laughter ] [ talking over each other oh, my god. Sleeves sleeves, sleeves, sleeves. Sleeves sleeves sleeves sleeves no question, no question, no question sleeves stop yelling at me. Really sleeves there it is jimmy sleeves, sleeves, sleeves. [ cheers and applause no sleeves no sleeves. Thats really what we talk about. Jimmy Kendall Jenner, everybody. 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[ cheers and applause jimmy our next guests are the hosts of desus mero, on showtime, which returns with brandnew episodes starting october 14th ladies and gentlemen, please welcome desus and mero [ cheers and applause yes jimmy welcome back welcome back we love it thanks for having us back jimmy when youre back we came up. Jimmy im happy youre here happy to be here, man i wish i could thank you jimmy i love it. This is our eighth appearance, right . Yes jimmy yeah yeah. Your boy andy cohen thats right. Whats up, andy . [ laughter ] nah, im just kidding. Were friends. Jimmy whats up andy . [ laughter ] andys our guy. Jimmy yeah was it more than are you guys been on the show more than andy cohen uh, no, andy might be the one person that has more appearances than us. But were coming for that title. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah [ cheers ] thats what im talking about. See, come on well, youre allowed on any time you guys want because i appreciate it. I know you just were back. Summer is over yeah. Jimmy did you have a good summer did you do anything cool it was pretty chill jimmy whatd you do . Uh, i went on vacation. I went to europe and hawaii. Jimmy oh, really but i did the real i didnt do the usual you know, when youre from new york city, going on vacation just means go to florida and get mad drunk. [ laughter ] i went on an educational trip. I went to art museums. I did mushrooms in amsterdam you know, i love them. [ laughter ] you know what i mean eat pray thug you know what im saying jimmy eat pray thug, yeah [ laughter ] you did it you had a trip through europe. You did trip through europe went to france went to amsterdam. Theres lots of countries out there. Who knew so [ laughter ] amsterdam you know, i was like, i am going to do something positive. So i went to the art museum. And before i went, i took all these mushrooms. [ laughter ] jimmy desus, this is bad news you know what yeah, yeah [ laughter ] it was one of those things, like, after i did it, i was like, this is terrible. Jimmy yeah terrible. I had to call showtime i was like, i made a huge mistake. Im sorry. Jimmy yeah [ laughter ] things were all just moving around at first, it was cool i was like, oh, art, this is cool its like pictures and stuff. And then the pictures started whispering to me [ laughter ] jimmy hey, just take me off the wall im invading your house. I got into a dance off with rembrandt. I was like, oh, wow. [ laughter ] i got you i got you. [ laughter ] it was a good time. Jimmy thats fun thats fun and then now, its a lot of back to school time here in new york city. Oh, yeah. Jimmy i was just seeing if theres any memories that you guys have mero, of going back to school do you remember any memories of going back to school in september . I just remember my freshman year of high school and being terrified. Because everybody coming out of junior high was, like, freshman friday, bro. Freshman friday. If youre not an upper classman, you get your ass kicked, bro. Theyre going to come get you. Jimmy thats what freshmen friday is . Yeah, they gonna drop you. Theyre going to steal your book bag theyll steal your lunch theyre going to put you give you a wedgie, put your head in the toilet. Jimmy no you know what im saying . I feel like freshmen friday outside new york city they help the freshman they are, like, hey, this is your classes. [ laughter ] here you go. [ laughter ] jimmy im your buddy. In the bronx, its like, this is old milk. [ laughter ] ha, ha, ha, im a junior. [ laughter ] jimmy what did you what did you do well, what happened was i got lucky and between eighth grade and my freshman year, i grew ten inches and grew a a mustache so i would just lie to everybody. And i was like, im a im a junior [ laughter ] im just mad dumb. Im in english one so you know, what im saying im not a freshman at all. Jimmy and did people buy it hell yeah, they bought it i was mad tall jimmy really i was like, yo, trim on me do something. Jimmy look at the evidence look at that. Jimmy is this you right here umhmm. Boom jimmy right there. Look at the stache. [ laughter ] my beard did not connect at this point [ laughter ] also this photo was taken with a potato . [ laughter ] this is yo, for every everybody under 25, back in the day you used to actually have to take a photo with a camera, then take that camera and put it into a device called a scanner and scan it onto your computer [ laughter ] wild jimmy its wild stuff. Wild stuff. Jimmy nfl season kicked off yeah. Jimmy as well tonight. Kendall was a cheerleader. You guys ever play football . Either one of you . Yeah. I had a weird thing going on at my school they rebuilt our football field in the bronx and something happened and the mafia got involved and they didnt build it up to code so we couldnt play football for a whole season [ laughter ] jimmy wait, im sorry. [ laughter ] Google Herbert h. Lehman high school. Thats what they know this [ laughter ] jimmy wait, so walk me through. So they it was i think it was Something Like four feet short of an actual legitimate ball field [ hter ] so any time they wanted to play football, they had to go to another school to play on their actual field jimmy so did they start to play at your thing and then run and finish yeah. Jimmy a play at the other place. [ talking over each other jimmy and hes going and hes going oh, hes catching the ball at the white castle. [ laughter ] jimmy and then you go, excuse me, you cant play football. [ laughter ] hey, let me tell you something. Dont worry about it. Hey, youuys waa pay a little extra to get the extra four feet . [ laughter ] but then you get two touchdowns, huh . Jimmy did you [ laughter ] did you ever use the football field at all for that year used it for a lot of walking around, just figuring what be life should be like. Speed walking is bad jimmy just go out and walk just walk jimmy so the football would just go out and just walk around the field yeah. They didnt even have pads or anything, you know jimmy did you have cheerleaders or pep rallies or anything we had cheerleaders but they just wear street clothes. They were just like, hey. [ laughter ] hey, the bus come in ten minutes. Jimmy we dont have a team yeah yeah. Yeah. Wed have pep rallies but they werent really for games. They were just like, hey, were in the school. So [ laughter ] jimmy at the end of the pep rally enjoy the free lunch. The end of the pep rally just ended with a handshake. You just went on the bus and went home. [ laughter ] jimmy but you i actually i actually made a team. I made the team. And then i realized that i like to hang out with girls and smoke weed way more. And the coach was like, oh, but we got a practice xamount of times a week. And i was, like, i am not doing that. [ laughter ] jimmy right. I i was the first diva receiver ever. Jimmy you were like, thats it im out. I held out for the entire duration of my High School Career [ light laughter ] i didnt report to minicamp or homeroom [ laughter ] jimmy its not like they kept calling you every day and like they did. They were like, where you where are you . [ laughter ] jimmy they did say, where are you. We need you. And i was, like, no, no, no meet my demands or im not coming. [ laughter ] jimmy meet me demands. [ laughter ] congrats on desus mero, on showtime because i know its a new home for you guys but you guys are crushing it new season, october 14th yeah. Jimmy you guys are back. [ cheers and applause its thank you, jim. But were coming off hiatus. Jimmy yeah, coming off hiatus no, its like, business terms and everything people in the streets were like, damn, thats messed up. You guys got canceled. I was like, actually were on hiatus. No. Also i cant spell hiatus but its cool. [ laughter ] jimmy is there a story that you missed while you were on hiatus that you really wanted to cover oh, the popeyes chicken sandwich scandal popeyes scandal the brouhaha. That was wild. That was that was out of control. Because it was like jimmy walk me through it again. What happened . Okay, now first now popeyes is selling a spicy chicken sandwich for months now. But someone on twitter was just like, yo, you have to try this sandwich. And all of a sudden, everyone lost their minds and people were like editing their 401ks to buy chicken [ laughter ] people were like [ talking over each other sell my house, cash only. [ laughter ] and the wild part, i was in hawaii when this happened. So you know, im six hours off the time from the east coast and im just watching. And i was like, wow, the worlds been devastated by popeyes chicken. [ laughter ] there is no usa to come back to. Jimmy oh, yeah i just felt bad for the industrious new yorkers that do stuff like buy exclusive sneakers in bulk and then buy then sell them at a higher price. cause theres two dudes standing out of popeyes outside of popeyes in harlem with 46 chicken sandwiches [ laughter ] i was like, these dont keep well, my guy. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah after ten minutes theyre not inedible [ laughter ] you know what im saying . They are completely inedible jimmy yeah, yeah, i want to eat a cold chicken sandwich. Nah jimmy but i mean, its it was a big deal. There was a line around the block. Everywhere i saw on twitter it was sold out everywhere. And i was like, you know, what i have to live up to the hype. I have to get into this. So i went to my local popeyes chicken establishment. And i went inside. And as soon as i walk in, the lady behind the counter was like, yo, if youre here for the sandwich, dont waste your time dont get in line. Yeah. Theres no more sandwiches theres no more sandwiches get out. If you want sandwiches, theres no more sandwiches. [ laughter ] so i was like, all right. Im gonna leave. Because theres no more sandwiches the guy behind me was like, i think shes lying. Im staying in line. [ laughter ] i respect that guy. I respect that guy he took a chance he might be right. Jimmy how about the all the debates going on with the president ial candidates. Is there is there anyone that youre looking at that youd that youd go, hey, you know what. Enough is enough drop out . Oh, come on you know yeah, no. You know what it is come on, de blasio. Get out of here. Yeah, bill beat it bill. The backwards pizzaeater come on get him out of here [ laughter ] this guy this guy i think it was his first week in office hes like, im enjoying a a fresh new york slice of pizza. And its sbarro. Jimmy oh, my god [ laughter ] no sbarro, yeah. Its not real pizza. Thats methadone pizza. [ laughter ] get out of here with that. [ laughter ] also, if youve been following his instagram, is he running for president or is he just on vacation he was in iowa hes like, eating a corn dog in iowa. The rest of us are just like, hey, were having blackouts in the city. Hes like a father that wont come back to new york. Were like, dad. Dad, please. [ laughter ] dad. [ talking over each other why not . I think the babysitter is dead. Dad. Dad, i know vegas is fun but can you come back, please . We miss you. [ laughter ] jimmy i want to show everyone a clip. This is from desus mero on showtime here they are with our pals, andy cohen and Anderson Cooper take a look at this. Youre both emmy winners. Umhmm. Both New York Times bestselling authors are an emmy winner . I am. I do not know that. [ laughter ] thats something that you guys like i knew it you knew it yeah. I mean i got 13. But, you know. Oh wow what . What i will say i will say i have been nominated 15 times and won once oh. You know what, that oh [ laughter ] listen. Listen jimmy desus and mero, we love you guys. You can catch new episodes of desus mero, beginning october 14th on showtime well be right back with a a performance from tanya tucker featuring Brandi Carlile stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause i knew my son could be at risk of certain cancers later in life. From an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew widespread hpv is and while hpv clears for most, that might not be the case for him. I knew his risk increases as he gets older. I knew a vaccine could help protect him at age 11 or 12, before he could be exposed. I knew so i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. And now for their service to the community, we present limu emu doug with this key to the city. 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It was funny because when we would call another insurance company, hey would say oh we cant beat usaa were the webber family. Were the tenneys were the hayles, and were usaa members for life. Get your usaa Auto Insurance quote today. Hey. You must be stevens phone. Now you can know whos on your network and control who shouldnt be, only with xfinity xfi. Simple. Easy. Awesome. [ cheers and applause jimmy be sure to tune in tomorrow night, Ryan Seacrest will be here robin thede will here. And we got magic with derren brown but, first, we have lots more show to come after the break, we have Music Performance by a Country Music legend tanya tucker is here. [ applause ] shes singing a song off of her new album, with a little help from Brandi Carlile. Its going to be good. Stick around well be right back everybody. [ cheers and applause the pink . Lets go mets go time daddy [ giggling ] ohhhh man. Took my hat off. [ to love somebody by bee gees playing ] thats crazy [ crowd cheering ] [ screaming ] lets go mets [ cheering ] this is a surface laptop 2. And this is a real person named mackenzie book. Hi, im mac book. So mac, which laptop lasts longer . Surface laptop lasts longer. Hmm, interesting. And which ones faster . This ones faster. Really . Amazing. Which one has a better touchscreen . The surface has a better touchscreen. Because it actually has a touchscreen. Oh, right. Macs dont have touchscreens. You should get a surface. Trust me, im mac book. Well, there you have it. Mac book says, get a surface. Its my special friend, antonio. His luxurious fur calms my nerves when im worried about moving into our new apartment. Why dont we just ask geico for help with renters insurance . I didnt know geico helps with renters insurance. Yeah, and we could save a bunch too. Antonio fetch computer antonio . Ill get it. Get to know geico and see how much you could save on renters insurance. 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[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, what a treat you can catch our next guest on tour here in new york at the bowery ballroom later this month. Performing the wheels of laredo from her new album while im livin featuring Brandi Carlile, please welcome tanya tucker [ cheers and applause thank you on a winter night in wcounty texas on the north ban of the mighty rio grande i was watchin the jungle fires aburnin across the borde of a notsodistant land and the echoe of the church bell that were swingin could be heard from guadalupe Market Square there was a girl down ther in the south sid of the river she had feathers tied into her long black hair and if i was i was a whitecrowned sparrow well i would float across the southern skies of blue but im stuck inside the wheels of laredo wishing i was rolling back to you [ cheers and applause i put on my favorit jacket for jamboozie i painted up my eyes and wore my beads there was a ban playing to god be the glory there were people dancin all around the street there were barrels on the sidewalk that were burning and a fortuneteller readin peoples hands and i swear i heard those church bells ringing cross the borde of a notsodistant land singing if i wa a whitecrowned sparro well i would float acros the southern skies of blue but im stuck insid the wheels of laredo wishing i was rollin back to you and if i wa a whitecrowned sparro well i would float acros the southern skies of blue but im stuck insid the wheels of laredo wishing i was rollin back to you im stuck insid the wheels of laredo wishing i was rollin back to you wish i was rolling back wish i was rolling i wish i was rolling wish i was rolling back to you wish i was rolling back to you [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Come on. Come on. I want a real hug. [ indiscernible i love you youre my favorite show and i finally got jimmy i love you so much i finally got you jimmy oh, i love you tanya tucker, come on. [ cheers and applause Brandi Carlile while im livin is out now. Well be right back, everybody oh [ cheers and applause we are here to discuss jessies online time. And out of respect, we will let you make the first offer. Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes . Objection overruled. One hour. Sweeten the deal by doing the dishes and ill consider it. I wouldnt do it. I hate the dishes. One hour with the tablet, you walk the dog and do the dishes. If you insist. Congratulations. Only xfinity xfi lets you take control of your familys online time. Thats simple, easy, awesome. Xfinity xfi gives you the speed, coverage and control you need. Manage your wifi network from anywhere when you download the xfi app today. [ chrs and applause jimmy my thanks to Kendall Jenner, desus mero, tanya tucker [ cheers and applause Brandi Carlile [ cheers and applause and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching have a great night im not going to let you go. I hope to see you tomorrow byebye everybody. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight senator Bernie Sanders comedian julio torres, author and activist Deray Mckesson featuring the 8g band with carter mclean. [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. How is everybody doing tonight [ cheers and applause that is wonderful to hear. In that case, lets get to the news after showing reporters an outdated and handdoctored hurricane map that you sharpied