Hows everybody doing tonight . In that case, lets get to the news tonight was the first democratic president ial debate between Elizabeth Warren, cory booker, your middle school vice principal, the lady who kept your frisbee, the guy your mom dated after the divorce, and three bill de blasios. So it was quite a field. [ applause ] senator Elizabeth Warren was the only candidate appearing in tonights debate who has been polling in double digits but to be fair bill de blasio also gets double digits. During tonights debate, beto orourke answered a portion of the current question in spanish. And then he answered the next question in irish. Tonights democratic debate featured questions sent in by viewers, which explains why Rachel Maddow asked cory booker why isnt chicago med on senator Elizabeth Warren said the next president needs to have the courage to take on the jieb giants which was awkward because bill de blasio was right next to heir former representative john delaney appeared confused when asked to be the first candidate to give a closing statement. Even i forgot i was here [ applause ] i mean it might have been why am i here according to reports, former Vice President joe biden requires that his paid speaking engagements accommodate him with raspberry sorbet and he asked for the angel hair just to smell it President Trump today attacked meagan latino for saying she wouldnt attends the white house if they win the womens world cup. Im a big fan but she should win first before she finishes the job. The only time youve ever said mia hamm is when youre ordering dinner mia ham and her a chicken. You wanted a chicken, right . Her a fish and finally of Course Research in octopuss arms makes decisions independently from their brain. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show tonight hes the host of americas got talent currently in its 14th season our friend terry cruz. And his stand out special is fantastic. Its currently streaming on netflix. So happy that youre talking to him. Before we get to our fantastic guests, 10, count them 10 Democratic Candidates squared af in the president ial debate for more, its time for a closer look donald trump is constitutionally incapable of sharing the spotlight with anyone. So are democratic taking the stage. He went to something called the faith and Freedom Conference to gurgal up old man nonsense we said Merry Christmas, you remember i usually save flat november, december but i was thinking theyre all taking it down off the departments doors, everything happy holidays theyre saying Merry Christmas again, its interesting. Our president may not be the best at the bible, may not have read it 2,000 times. But hes the best for us my wife watched. I said you have to see this. Its great invention called teevo. You know its like better than television because television you never see it i played it back oh, my god get me off this cruise ship. Is this a president ial speech or bingo night . This guy shouldnt be standing behind a president ial seal, he should be wandering down the hallway of a group home with a nurse yelling donald, your gown is on backwards. Im sorry. Youve just heard about tivo his brain is permanently stuck in 1989. Have you heard this new food called gogurt a gamp changer he was more off kilter with the democratic debate looming and Robert Muellers agreed to testify before Congress Next month. He got in trumps head because he called up and rambled about mueller. Trump was referring to unearthed Text Messages between two fbi agents having an affair. Robert mueller, they worked for him and the two lovers were together and they had texted back and forth how come we havent seen it all . You gave william barr he terminated them illegally. He terminated the emails he terminated all it of the stuff. Robert mueller terminated the Text Messages together he terminatedthem. Theyre gone and thats illegal deleted the word youre looking for is deleted. My god, man, go back to watching tivo and now youre accusing Robert Mueller of a crime i doubt hes ever jaywalked in his life he gespeeding tickets while chasing democrats on foot. Now this was just the first of two debates with 10 more scheduled thursday there are a toelts of 24 democrats running for president. There aro so many people you didnt notice one of them is guy feety. And hes definitely more qualified than donald trump because heat hes the mayor of flavor town. Great bowling alley. Terrible schools of course well cut out that. Cut out the flavor tone joke i fought for all day live of course with ten people on the stage, the candidates knew to stand out, which is why they were preparing in different ways to make their case as concise and effective as possible. Senator Elizabeth Warren and her rivals are busy. Warren has focussed on boiling down her position to policy to fit the time constraints senator Amy Klobuchar has spent time watching the 2016 debates to see how President Trump and his gop rivals stood out in this back crowded field youre studying trumps debate to see how he stood up . Which one did you watch . The time they missed their cues and got stuck in the hallway of the debate stage or in the case where he stood out literally. And the two guys who ended up in the federal government are the one whose turned a president ial debate into an escape route. Seriously what lessons can you learn from the debate performances and if you get lost, remember to act natural and stair directly into the camera. Like youre having your portrait drawn. Now before the debate, the candidates also showed up, checked out the debate stage who got stuck spoting a casual look. Hes doing his walk through thats go poing to be happening through the course of the day. Theres tim ryan wearing his cap backwards. Uh. Hey, guys, flerathere arent cas here now, right . Did you get confused and think this way your office softball game you look like youre slamming some tall boys at red sox gam game most men seemed to enjoy talking about policy and the campaign has been incredibly substangszive. Kamala harris has a plan for households and senator eElizabeth Warren was so excited to discuss the plan to tax the wealthy that she could hardly contain herself thank you, senator warren for being here how the do you plan to make sure the rich pay their fair share of the taxes . Whoa seth whoa, whoa. That question was Elizabeth Warrens mardi gras ive seen more than walking up to chris cuomo at a party and sawing do you know anything about cross fit . While the polls have stayed mostly flat, warren was stock has been rising and thats caught the attention of joe biden and President Trump. New polling shows warrens economic message is resonating with voters. In the latest nbc news wall street journal poll, 26 say theyre enthusiastic thats a sixpoint bump from last month it might explain why bidens team is getting worried about her rise and President Trumps campaign is zeroing in on the it threat that she could pose come on, donald trump doesnt zero in. If anything he zeros out and i cant imagine zeroing on Elizabeth Warren she was running to catch a train at penn station. Can you imagine if trump was late for a train mike pence would have to carry hum on his back like a tired 4yearold with waren the obvious stand out, the other candidates are looking for ways to shine and beto orourke settled on a strategy of going bilingual out of the gate. This economy has got to work for everyone and right now we know that it isnt. Its going to take all of us coming together to make sure that it does [ speaking foreign language] seth i knew he was going to bust out in spanish, i just didnt know it was going to be that quickly remember you only have one bullet so make sure you see the wife and bang. And check out corys face after betos answerer. [ speaking foreign language] seth now, now you might think thats the face of the guy thinking i cant believe youre speaking spanish but its a guy thinking oh, man, i was goedoing that [ speaking foreign language] seth not only do i applaud them speaking spanish, you know everyone in tomorrows debate who doesnt speak spanish is going to spend the whole day cramming the question they want answered is don day astaw megotto now, beto, beto has been struggling in the polls despite being engaged in Senate Campaign against cruise it delaney, do you agree i think we need do real things to help American Workers and the American People. Quick question. Who are you . You look like you were supposed to be in a lawn chair commercial in the break but they accidentally let you stay. There was tim ryan dwhi quite the surprise he got a question and promised that manufacturing jobs wereler coming back to places like your home state of ohio can you make that same promise yes, i believe you can. Tim ryan always looks like his dog just talked. Did you just say good morning . Then the debate moderator with the policy question who would with abolish their private Health Insurance who here would aballish their private Health Insurance in favor of a governmentrun plan seth not only did warren raise her hand, check out mayor de blasio. Hes got to be so happy he raised his hand with when warren did. Its like when you take the sats and peek at the it top students test and you have the same answer would you replace private insurance . No, i think the choice is fundamental to private insurance is not working for ten oz of millions of americans when you talk about the co pays, the deductibles, the out of pocket expenses its not working its not working they can choose medicare youve got to start by acknowledging its not working for people look at those two they look like stock broke whoorz got too drunk at happy hour its like watching the new york jets play guys who got cut from the new york jets. De blasio it ways trying to get a word in so much that he was yelling over the moderator put the American People first. Were out of time mayor de blasio, well have more. The commercial is coming thats so new york. Its like when youre trying to talk to someone as the subway doors are closing. What did you call me what did you say, pal . Im referring to a time when the subway doors in the city closed. It was a substantive edition and after about an hour of complex questions from everything to gun control to health tweeting boring ppt im sorry i do not entertain culigula i say we should send you out there to spice things up but youd probably just get stuck in the hallway. This escape room is boring dont you are es all most americans are dieing for things to be boring for a while i fantasize about the day i turn on cnn and theres a ban that says no breaking news. And the debate switched to the second hour turned weirder for the moderators 30 seconds for a follow up and we will be ruthless if necessary. Yeah, we coo do that. By the way how are you doing fine, seth. How are you . We know you know each other the candidates each get nine seconds to speech and youre chatt chatting it up like old college friends. Like they were waiting for somebody to come by and steak their order. Then they were ready to go to with a transition to the next portion of the debate. Many are calling for a reparations to an assault weapons ban. Should there be a role for the federal government everybodys mics are on i heard that too i think we had a mic issue in the back control room yeah, we have the audio whats happening . Were hearing our colleagues audio. If the control room could turn off the mic. If the control room could turn off the mics of our previous moderators you know weve prepared for everything we d not prepare for this. Were going to take a quick break, get this technical situation fixed. Well be right back. Seth maybe you have spent more time checking the audio and less time sayingholo to each other. Im surprised eliz warren didnt bust out a tool kit i can fix it. Our tv Game Show Host president had plenty to say saying nbc news and msnbc news should be ashamed of a technical break doun during the debate boring you think tivo is newticnology, i wouldnt be tweeting about technology they should have used a zune i know he was tivoing that moment many times. Melania, watch chuck todd get interrupted. How will you get your agenda passed if theres a Republican Congress they asked warren if she had an idea of of dealing with that do you have a plan to deal with with Mitch Mcconnell . [ applause ] seth dam if Mitch Mcconnell were capable of feeling human motion, hed be terrified right now. Maybe i can just go. That was like when the matriarch of a southern dynasty stood up when warren said that, bookers face got permanently stuck like that and ryans hat got glued back on his head the campaign focussed primarily on climate change. Tried to get the attentioner of the moderators and then made it weerds weird. Governor, youre going to be happy with where we go governor insley, the next question is for you. You got me seth hes like the corny dad at the party who wants to make sure everyones had enough to drink. Im getting you a refill, chad they showed us that a substantive campaign focussed on issue and terminating emails is possible but it proved once again theres a reason jeopardy has three contestants and not ten. If you missed tonights debate, dont worry the president has a high tech way to watch it. Theres a great new invention. Its called tivo heres a closer look. Get more of the brands you love and quality you want, and save every time. Its not shopping, its maximizing. Maxx life at t. J. Maxx. Ooohhhh with tripadvisor, its easy to discover and book Amazing Things to do, wherever youre headed. Including hidden gems that can really make your trip one of a kind, so you can enjoy the best of the bestkept secrets. Hoo book things to do, on tripadvisor. 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So get allstate. And be better protected from mayhem. Like me. You know here at late night every night i deliver monologue, write jokes written by diverse field of female writers. And write jokes it would be difficult for me to deliver but we dont think that should stop you from enjoying them so a segment we like to call jokes seth cant tell. These are two of my writers. Im black. And im gooi. And were both women. And im not ill lead the set up for these jokes and theyll read the punch line here we go in honor of lgbt pride month, bud lite will be selling rainbow colored bottles. Well, thanks said mostly the ls. Seth reece ant nltly renamed barack obama boulevard if its not, its about to be seth ireland has been an antigay preacher for running the country. His name is the pope. Seth Rolling Stone published a book about a visit to a White Nationalist cookout. Thats terrible says the person eating at the White Nationalist cookout. Ive eaten it before on a dare i got 10. Seth the website recently posted a list of possible wedding gifts for lesbian brides shes like a straight bride except shes experienced orgasm. True seth after a sevenyear absence, nbc announced theyre bringing back their genealogy series but this time youre surprised. Youre related to slave owners seth this next joke is about puerto ricans. It was announced briefly that oprah has doneinated 3 million to relief efforts in puerto rico im glad she did that but when is she going to get married. Come out. Seth how did you come out . I just showed up with a rainbow colored bud lite. Seth nbc ordered a new spin off called law and order hate crime. Its called body camera footage. Just kidding they turn the body cameras off for that stuff seth haha im glad youre charming officials reported yesterday pulled over a woman hiding a footlong alligator in her yoego pants. To be fair its the only form of Birth Control her insurance would cover. Seth were going to get you a pants alligator. And maybe roar. Seth an ice cream chain in new york city created a socalled jilotto eburger. And if you want to know what sweet chocolate buns look like, marry me [ applause ] is there one . Seth no, i dont think i should i dont think it will end well okay i trust you both an ohio bar is selling a period called the margarita its like a regular margarita except its acting like total pitch right now. No i understand now the kind of joke youre looking for and i have recalibrated. Let me try again the bb krerks recently published an article called new lesbians need new safe places they already have a bunch and theyre called safe cuts how dare you . Seth you told me it would be okay how dare you . Seth black women and lesbians are liars well be right back with terry crews everybody. See ya later. Im out of here. Alright. Fellas. Hello, are you the locksmith . Yes i am. Come on in. I think we were able to salvage the lock. [ shouting ] muchas gracias. Ya tu sabes. [ laughing ] the pink . Lets go mets go time daddy [ giggles ] number six, number six. Ohhhh man. Took my hat off. [ to love somebody by bee gees playing ] [ crowd cheering ] thats crazy lets go mets lets go mets [ crowd chanting ] lets go mets the shawn mendes verizon up concert was surreal. We were right in front of him. Dead center. Front row. Ill never forget that day. vo the network more people rely on, gives you more. Like a free Samsung Galaxy when you switch. Thats verizon. New magnum ice cream. Double sea salt caramel. Carefully made to be broken. Magnum ice cream. Be magnifique. But were also a company that controls hiv, fights cancer, repairs shattered bones, relieves depression, restores heart rhythms, helps you back from strokes, and keeps you healthy your whole life. From the day youre born we never stop taking care of you. Welcome back everybody give it up also joining us on the drums from the legendary rock band, the super chunks and can be heard on the new album mountain goats in league with dragons. Thank you so much for being here our next guest is a an actor, former nfl player you know from brooklyn 99 and the expendables. Our friend, terry crews, everybody. [ applause ] okay you know we thought to ourselves who can we book for a live show thats on at 12 37 at night whos not going to be tired . We taught terry crews. Thats right. Im going to the workout after this i usually wake up at 3 k 00 to to the gym so its perfect seth as a host, how do you think you would do hosting the debates tonight . I would literally liveen the sucker up. Come on, Elizabeth Warren, tell them what you got. Its a cage match. Seth give them more energy i would make them arm wrestle. Basically wrestling each other a lot of games, perching in the face take that. Seth i feel like if you start with 10, lets end with eight. Right, somebody should not survive. Seth youre not a competitive person i believe competition is the opposite of creativity its ridiculous to me. I was in the nfl i did the whole entertainment thing is all about competing with each other but it leaves everyone broken and bloody i decided to walk off and do my own thing and stay creative and thats where i found my goal seth thats fantastic. Yes seth and yet you find yourself hosting a competition well, america wants blood, seth first of all americas got talent want people to go home they want people to die. Thats why i would literally say someone has to be killed im so sorry i didnt vote on this. Seth did you do as a talent show something you did as a kid . Listen growing up in flint, michigan, my mom yes, my mom was very religious i was not allowed to listen to music, play sports everything i do today i was not allowed to do so what was crazy is she wouldnt let me perform in a talent show so i begged and begged and she said no, no and i said well, can i host it and she was like oh, dam okay and let me tell you i hosted my High School Talent show and not knowing that that would be my future, that i would eventually grow up to host the worlds biggest talent show. Its serendipity seth you did not go straight from the nfl to acting you had time in between. And i read that you were ice cubes security guard. It wasnt even ice cube security i was like ice cubes car security watch my car Nothing Better happen to my car and im like i got you it wasnt sexy it wasnt nice i was security on next friday and ended up in friday after next. I did the third movie. And i just thank him for this day. Seth when you showed up for friday after next did he remember you as the guy . Totally hes like youre that dude that used to wash the car im going to tell you this he watched me in training day as an extra hes like i really liked training day the way you were standing there and he gave me a part. Every time i see cube, im like hi, sir. Oh, dam. Im acting, im doing my thing, hes still my boss psychologically. It never changes seth some things never do. A few times hes been here hes a lovely person to talk to but i cant believe im talking to him. I want to wash his car. Im going to wash it right now seth i want to ask about brooklyn 99 congratulations. Obviously you mostly shoot in l. A. And now being in new york, do people recognize you more and appreciate its a show about brooklyn first of all my daughter lives in brooklyn and i make her take me places so i can get recognized oh, hi thats brooklyn 99 and im like yeah, i do that show. Shes like, no, dad, you need to stay inside. But lets just walk down the street, please seth you deserve it. I know, thank you seth congratulations on americas got talent, brooklyn 99 and thank you have so much for being here in a live show its always such a pleasure. Terry crews, americas got talent. Here are even more reasons to join tmobile. 1. Do you like netflix . Sure you do. Thats why its on us. 2. Unlimited data. Use as much as you want, when you want. 3. No surprises on your bill. Taxes and fees included. Still think you have a better deal . Bring in your discount, and well match it. Thats right. Tmobile will match your discount. At red lobster. Featuring three new dishes that are planked to perfection. Feast on new cedarplank lobster shrimp. Or new colossal shrimp salmon with a citrusy drizzle. Tender, smoky and together on one plank. But only till june 30th, so hurry in. But only till june 30th, hashtag vacay. Sonoma . I want wine with lunch. Its 11am, cindy. Thanks, captain obvious. 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So recently my sons band was signed by a record label. While were on the road, i can keep my parents in the loop with the whole facetime thing. I created a rockstar. vo the network more people rely on, gives you more. Like great deals on the best devices. Thats verizon. [seag[bottle opens] ahh [water sfx] [bottle opens] [horse sfx] ahh [ocean sfx] [bottle opens] ahh yoaw our next guest is a comedian writer whos next special fire in the Maternity Ward is screening on netflix. Please welcome jeremy jeselnik, everyone seth thank you for being here live. Thank you for not making me dance on to the stage. I saw terry and thought i do not have that kind energy. Seth we thought you would be a nice counterbalance. We travel everywhere together seth there so many jokes in it a lot of jokes about kids. Do you ever yourself think about having kids . I used to not i enjoy my freedom and my money but then i had some friends im friends with a lesbian couple this is a story about lesbians you had me on live tv. You knew what you were doing we want to have a baby and asked one of our friends and he said i dont think i could be a father in that way where i have a baby in the world but nam rr not around in its life and i said well, you just hit the jackpot because there is nothing, nothing i would like more than to have a baby and have nothing to do with it ever im in for sure. Theyre like great were going to go through a lawyer its an official thing lawyer emails me hes the contract. Im going to call you tomorrow next day lawyer says did you read the contract . I said i didnt even finish the email. What do you need besides my sperm . And she says i got to ask you some questions first, are you married no but wouldnt that be hilarious if i was if i didnt want to cheat, i just wanted the consequence. No, im not married. I say are you in a sexual relationship with this couple . Am i in a sexual relationship with my married lesbian friends who have dedicated their lives to proving theyre not into that no, im not. Thats a stupid question she says do you have a plan to get into a sexual relationship of course i do of course i have a plan. Like i know how i would do it if i had to ridiculous question. Next she says now they own the sperm. Are you okay with them throwing out the extra wunonce theyre pregnant absolutely not you keep that in your purse forever as a reminder. Final question she says if they have extra sperm, are they allowed to sell to other women who want to have your baby thats how they get you. Theres no way im putting my sperm on the open market there would be riots well, two things youre not allowed to talk about this [ laughter its like, sure. Dont stay up too late and im not allowed to tell the child that im his fath. They can say that but im not allowed. Im like im never talking to the kid. Dont worry about it she says remember, youre not allowed to releaso or have sex for five days before each bed posit three times. Im like can i give you three . You know what i mean have you had someone ask to have sex with you and had to say no, im trying to get someone else pregnant that conversation does not go well and there are followup questions out the wazoo. So i go three times to make the deposit. Actually, anthony, our other friend we asked first changed his mind and now hes going to be the father. And again ive never wanted kids in my life but now this is about pride, seth. Now im furious. If they want to go and have a garbage baby when they could have my baby my sperm is just sitting in a bank frozen when it could be earning interest seth im so sorry they put you through this i know. Seth well, someone out there hopefully is going to get their hands on it one day. Im going to have so many babies, seth i dont want a sex baby. You have to love them and take them to college. A science baby i dont know the difference between that and teddy ruxpin. I want 23 and me to call and say whats going on over there seth before you go you finished a show called good talk. Very exciting. Going to be on Comedy Central . Yeah, september, friday nights at 11 00. Kind of like this only i get to talk to my friends seth haha. I dont have to deal with a johnny off the street. Its my friends. Were talking about comedy seth it thank fror being here well be right back. Were the slowskys. We like drip coffee, layovers and waiting on hold. What we dont like is relying on fancy technology for help. Snail mail we were invited to a y2k party. Uh, didnt that happen, like, 20 years ago . Oh, look, karolyn, weve got a mathematician on our hands check it out now you can schedule a callback or reschedule an appointment, even on nights and weekends. Todays xfinity service. Simple. Easy. Awesome. Id rather not. My guests terry crews well see you tomorrow [ applause ]