Can i be the maid of honor and the dj . How many people have to die before youre king . [upbeat news broadcast music] at 10 00, you have a women in business panel. At 11 00, you have a call with jeff bezos and elon musk. At 11 15, you have a call with elon musk to apologize for making him cry in front of jeff bezos. [knocking on door] ms. St. Tropez . Katie wendelson. You offered me career advice out of pity. Ah. It means so much to have a woman like you take me under her wing. Of course. Women of my generation didnt have female ceos to look up to. Until recently, ambition in women was medically classified as menstrual hysteria, or lindas syndrome. So, katie, what are your goals . Why tell you when i could show you . Its a pinterest for my career. [tablet chimes] oh, depressedwoman39 repinned me. Be more specific. What do you want, and whats stopping you . Well, id like to have more say in the stories that we do. But greg always shoots me down because my ideas are too boring and stop pitching me stuff in the mens room. But someday not someday. You need to assert yourself now. Go for what you want. Doesnt matter what other people say. So i just shouldnt take no for an answer. Like at chipotle when i make them go buy more barbacoa. Sure. You know what might be a productive way to start the meeting . If we all went around and said our favorite things about katie. Greg, you start. Mom no mines her butt and boobs. Is it okay to say two . Good morning, everyone. Portia is coming in late, and chuck was waiting for you to say his name. All right, lets begin. I would like to produce a piece no, i demand to produce a piece about the impending extinction of the south american legless spider, and i wont take no for an answer. No. Nobody cares about that. Youre doing a profile on eric trumps teeth sharpener. But gene, youre going to camden to do a piece on that toxic waste dump and how every producer whos done a piece there has webbed feet now. Cant get webbed feet twice. All right, moving on moving backwards, what if gene does both stories, and i do my idea . No and stop interrupting me. Are you picking up on this whitehot sexual tension . Between me and you . I dont think so. Well, all right. You wore me down. Now, then, chuck. I know how you feel about Digital Content i hate it what is it . Diana has asked us to produce a series of snapchat newsisodes. No such thing. Chuck, please. [imitating george w. H. Bush] not gonna do it. Dana carvey. I feel you, greg. Nothing worse than somebody saying no to your no look at these two. Just like sam and diane. From cheers, the classic 80s alcoholism psa . No, salmon diane. The classic fish recipe. Just salmon and nacho cheese. You wouldnt think they would go together, and in many ways, they do not enough all wendelsons get out so sorry im late, i was in the middle of a super important dream. Portia . What are you doing here . Oh, im speaking on this panel. But its for female ceos. Yeah, thats me. My line of jade crotch eggs just went public. Its a practice developed thousands of years ago by ancient chinese idiots. Our next question comes from lisa. How do i adapt to the challenges of todays rapidly changing marketplace . Well, i always tell people ill take this one. Lisa, just create a video game of yourself that makes a billion dollars. Portia actually brings up an interesting point. Actually . Today, any woman can be a ceo. Portia or kylie jenner or that turtle who had sex with a shoe she has her own line of aquarium filters. Frankly, i find it inspiring. [applause] dont clap for me. Im not dancing. [applause] what the hell were you doing in that meeting . Im sorry, okay . Diana told me to go for what i want. You already met robert pattinson. You threw up on him. I just thought it would be nice if i got to decide what stories i do. But that isnt your job. Or are you saying you want my job . No, just that one part. You can do Everything Else an executive producer does, which im guessing involves a stamp . It involves three stamps, and your little proposal has been denied. This says tubular. Stay in your lane, wendelson. You wouldnt last a day as executive producer. I think youre just scared, cause you dont want anyone to find out how easy your job is. Oh, really . Well, if you think its so easy, maybe you should executive produce tomorrows show. Fine. Fine. Why are the lights dimming . Shalalalalala dont be scared you got the mood prepared go on and kiss the girl oh, good, you told your mother about us not kissing. No, i didnt. Lalalala, yes she did lalala attention, everybody tomorrows show will be executive produced by katie wendelson. Why, you ask . No, we dont. To teach someone a valuable lesson. [smack] oh, that was katie. Hi, i need your help. S for ive been trying to find. A knee specialist. But nobody has an opening for months uuuggghhh uuurrrggghhh mr. Powers . You cant always control your feelings. I found one innetwork next tuesday. But choosing unitedhealthcare can help you control your care. Thanks, stephanie. I see on your preventive checklist, youre due for a colonoscopy. Its covered at no additional cost to you. Great no green. Unitedhealthcare dates, cashews, chocolate chips and sea salt. I dont know how they made four simple ingredients taste like cookie dough. But i am not complaining. Larabar food made from food. With steak and shrimp . More shrimp. And you know what goes great with that shrimp . You guessed it. More shrimp. Steak and unlimited shrimp, starting at 15. 99. Only at outback. Here at persil, the Top Notch Team of stain experts has performed over 10,000 stain evaluations to prove persil delivers a premium clean. Weve made a new stain with wasabi and goji berries. Make that 10,001. Persil pro clean. Unwrap the magic of a place. Make that 10,001. Where wonder fills the air. Where joy is the reason for it all. And everything is better together. Walt disney world resort. Come celebrate joy through the world. Everyones talking about yothis womeninbusiness panel i did yesterday diana publicly insulted me. Publicly . Youre saying people actually attended this panel . Im getting supportive tweets from nonverifieds. Normal people arent supposed to feel sorry for me. Im supposed to feel nothing for them. All right, you have to fight back. Thats what i did with steve croft. He called me an empty suit with b hair. So you know what i did . I started spending all my free time with mike wallace, morley safer, andy rooney, and eventually, all crofts best friends became chucks best friends. And now theyre all dead. I forget what my point was. This sounds like a squad feud. I thought that only happened to pop stars. No, like most things, they stole it from cool white men. Huh. I think i know exactly how to get back at diana for this. Thanks, chuck. Youre 100. How dare you . Greg, wow, have you been working out . Your shoulders are huge. Thats katie. Who will be executive producing todays show. I will be taking over her duties, such as playing with my hair or interrupting with unhelpful musings about journalistic integrity. I thought, today, we might do things a little bit differently around here, okay . Instead of me standing up here like a knowitall, i want to hear from youse guys. Gene, what do you want to produce . Sounds good, boss. Im on it. Gene, i didnt assign you anything. Come on. Come on. Whats your dream story . Wow. Okay. Ive always wanted to do an expose about how theres actually a woman in the mr. Met costume. I mean, look at the alluring way in which it moves. Wow, i thought that was gonna be better. I have an idea for a story. Katie did she bite off more than she can chew . Thats not bad. Mom, what are you doing . Just setting the mood for you and greg. Now, where do you want me to shuck these oysters . Cut it out there is no me and greg. Greg and i are fighting. Oh, i know. Its exactly the way things started between your father and me. Wait, i thought that happened on coney island at that freak show featuring the buttless woman. Oh, thats just the story we tell. Why . The real story about how we fell in love goes like this. One day, i was a secretary at your fathers firm, and i talked him into letting me defend a client who got a jaywalking ticket. And you proved you could do it . No, he got sent to Supermax Prison, but you shouldve seen how mad your father was. Oh the sexual tension it was slap, slap, kiss, kiss, katies born, never touch me again. Well, thats not whats happening with me and greg. Greg is a jerk, and i want to prove that i can do his job. Plus, diana told me to assert myself, and i dont want to let her down. Got it, but heres the thing. Im booking a cruise for next july, and i need to know if you and greg want to share an interior or an ocean view stateroom gerald, what time is my call with the shareholders . Gerald . [indistinct chatter and giggling] what the hell is this . You and i are in a squad feud. You came at me in public, so i stole your backup dancer. Gerald is my chief of staff, and hes never danced a day in his life. But i want to, diana. I want to dance and sing and live and love and create. You dont understand. Last night, portia took me to a party in the statue of libertys anus. I canoodled with zendaya. Oh, no, that was zayn. Oh. I dont have time for this. You four, come with me. Im giving you a show on mmn, its called hot chat, i Just Announced it. [phone chimes] oh, its already number one in its time slot. Portia never gave us a show. Whats a time slot . [knock on door] hey, we need new footage of that tornado in oklahoma. I just played it with the sound up. The Storm Chasers say some pretty messed up stuff about jewish people. Greg said youd deal with it . Okay, lets see hey, katie. My avids acting weird again. Can you call the it guy . Okay. Legal says we cant use the mets logo for the mr. Met piece. Should we use this one that i drew . Hey you traced that from my drawing katie, he shouldnt get credit for that oh, well, this sucks. What now . I saw everyone coming in here, so i figured you were gonna surprise me for my birthday. You know, turning 60 is kind of a big deal. I didnt know that he was 60. I definitely didnt trace anything off of his thing. [overlapping arguing] i know what youre doing you are sabotaging me. You filled my office with complaining dementoids. I didnt do anything. Dealing with them is part of the job that you signed up for and are quite predictably failing at. But hey, you got to play boss lady dressup for an hour, didnt you . Thats fun hey, greg, you know what else is part of the job i signed up for . Assigning people stories they dont want to do. Easy, katharine. Were just having a spot of workplace fun. No, no, i think im gonna assign you a piece, but what should that be . Stds in nursing homes. You monster. I want to know everything, greg. Whos got em . Who they got em from . How they got em. Whos got em . Okay. So were playing dirty now, are we . All right. [dialing phone] [repeats dialing sequence] why are you calling my mom . Carol, its me. Despite what i yelled at you earlier, im in for the cruise. Yeah, i hope katie can make it too. Have you considered bothering her about it more . You son of a bitch. And heres my breakfast order for all 28 days at sea eggs, pancakes, bagels, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs. We used to resort to some pretty creative hacks to take care. Of our jeans. It got weird. Ahhh im just airing them out luckily we discovered tide pods plus downy. So our jeans stay in great shape. And they actually get clean. What . We can wash em. Tide pods plus downy. Super concentrated to clean, condition and keep your favorites looking great. Its got to be tide. Giveyoure finished curse you, heman, you interfering imbecile give us one good reason we shouldnt vanquish you to another dimension ok, guys, hear me out. Switching to geico could save you. Hundreds on Car Insurance. Huh, he does make a point. I do like to save money. Catch you on the flip, suckas geico. Because saving fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance is always a great answer. Jack this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere . Jack to invite all my friends in the industry to try this. Jack fast foods first ever ribeye burger. Jack made with 100 ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. Jack ahh, here comes the competition now. Jack and of course, since they work for my competitors, ive obscured their identities jack except for this guy. Jack he is so screwed. Jack try my new havarti grilled onion and allamerican ribeye burgers. First an update on the woman hurt during a rock fall in yosemite. Doctors say lucy foster will return to the uk as soon as she gets a little stronger. Her husband was killed sheilding her from fallling rocks. And netflix is emailing customers about a price increase later this month. Standard service will go up 1dollar each month. Premium service is going up 2 dollars. [phone ringing] could you pick that up . [sighs] hello, this is gerald, not diana answering her own phone. What . Shots fired portia scottgriffith declares squad feud with mmn boardroom bitch. [dramatic rock music] now, now you know you better wash dish, bish ive had enough of your ish, bish im a famous and rish bish so you better wash dish, bish you know you better wash dish, bish you know you better wash dish, bish ive had enough of your ish, bish im a famous and rish bish you better wash dish bish bish im suave like rico im wearing all chicos im carol and so feral yo, it ought to be illegal my daughters ass is phat greg wanna get with that im so crazy, i got rabies all i want is grandbabies suge knights a bish, what now, now you know you better wash dish, bish ive had enough of your ish, bish im a famous and rish bish so you better wash dish, bish you know you better wash dish, bish you know you better wash dish, bish ive had enough of your ish, bish i a famous and rish bish you better wash dish mmmm. Not today. Well, i did it. All of it. Congratulations, katie, but you forgot one thing. The snapchat digital newsisodes. Hey, chuck would you just mind real quick doing a snapchat newsisode . Sure. I love Digital Content. Wait, really . You bet. I just need some makeup, my favorite suit. Of course. And some embalming fluid, because ill be doing that over my dead body isnt it great . Everythings going according to plan. Mom, what are you talking about . Im failing. Exactly. Now greg can save the day and feel strong and manly. Like your dad when he got that jaywalker released from Supermax Prison after only seven years. Wait, so you want me to just give up . Yes apologize to greg. Hell take you in his arms. Then the sexual fireworks can begin. Then you guys have sex p, that video was straight fire. Ill bet your instas blowing up. Peep them likes, girl. Who am i . I had a wife and a teenage son. Zero likes. Zero comments. Zero followers. What the hell happened . What did you do to my followers . I seized them. Im on the board of instagram, facebook, snapchat, twitter, and westworld. I can do whatever i want to your followers, even worse than what i do to those robots, and i do some messed up stuff, stuff where im the boy. [gasps] attention, everyone. Attention. I need to apologize to greg. Why, you ask . No, we dont. Because somebody taught me a valuable lesson. Greg, i thought i could do your job as well as you, but im not you. Im just a girl. Standing in front of a guy. Asking him to eat my shorts. Wait, what . Im the baddest bitch in the game, and you a punk hit it, Justin Justin justin. Oh, im sorry. I thought you said, play it when i Say Something cool to greg. Was that it . Yes. [news broadcast theme plays] you recut portias videos into snapchat digital newsisodes. Whoomp, there it is this is how we do it. Who let the dogs out . Rock and roll, part two you were supposed to apologize to greg, not emasculate him. I was promised sexual fireworks. Ooh uh, ms. St. Tropez . I took your advice, and i went for what i wanted. I executive produced todays show and the snapchat digital newsisodes, and i chose arbys for lunch. I mean but i chose arbys for lunch. Im impressed. The job is yours. Huh . Wait, what about greg . Oh, ill just demote him. You can be his boss now. Well, congratulations on your promotion. And on dying alone. Your body was made for Better Things than rheumatoid arthritis. Before you and your rheumatologist move to another treatment, ask if xeljanz is right for you. Xeljanz is a small pill for adults with moderate to severe ra for whom methotrexate did not work well. Xeljanz can reduce joint pain and swelling in as little as two weeks, and help stop further joint damage. Xeljanz can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections, lymphoma and other cancers have happened. Dont start xeljanz if you have an infection. Tears in the stomach or intestines, low blood cell counts and higher liver tests and cholesterol levels have happened. Your doctor should perform blood tests before you start and while taking xeljanz, and monitor certain liver tests. Tell your doctor if you were in a region where fungal infections are common and if you have had tb, hepatitis b or c, or are prone to infections. Xeljanz can reduce the symptoms of ra, even without methotrexate, and is also available in a oncedaily pill. Ask about xeljanz xr. Thover at olive garden starting at 9. 99. L is come in for over 100 combinations of pastas, sauces and toppings. Even grilled chicken alfredo. Plus all the garden fresh salad and breadsticks you want. The best things in life should be never ending. Never ending pasta bowl starting at 9. 99. Only for a limited time, at olive garden. Give everyone something theyll love order olive garden catering. [announcer] presenting the shark ion flex 2x. The freestanding, cord free vacuum that can live anywhere because it has two rechargeable batteries. That means you can always be charging, even while youre cleaning. With duo clean, multiflex, and powerful suction so you can go, and go, and go again. Welcome to hasslefree runtime with shark. Ahh. The new guy. Whoa, he looks he looks exactly like me. No. Separated at birth much . We should switch name tags, and no one would know who was who. Jamie, you seriously think you look like him . Uh, im pretty good with comparisons. Like how progressive helps people save money by comparing rates, even if were not the lowest. Even if were not the lowest. Whoa wow. I mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. Look at us. Wow. I mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. I hope youre happy. Well, yo im not in. I just wanted to prove that i could do gregs job. I dont actually want it. But i cant go to diana and be like, oh, i dont want more responsibility, i want a man to be the boss i cant disappoint her, mom. She has a plan for my career, which is more than i have. If diana wants me to be the boss, i have to do it. Why . Youre gonna blindly listen to some annoying older woman who acts like she knows whats best for you . Wait, is that what ive been . No, no. Its different. No, no, mom, keep realizing. Well, technically, i am an older woman who acts like i know whats best for you. Im not annoying, am i . No, youre not annoying, but i dont need you pushing me to be with greg. Its for me to figure out. Youre right, katie. I cant believe im gonna say this, but maybe. You do. Know whats. Best. For you. I taste metal. Thank you. I guess ive stood up to all the women pushing me around in my life. No, katie. Keep realizing. Aww. [knocking on door] look. I know i cant beat you, so the only way to end this is if we can both win. Im listening. Heres my proposal. We monetize this. You get half the revenue of team portiateam diana apparel. Half the proceeds of wash dish bish downloads. And a producer credit on the show about our feud that i just sold to ryan murphy. Wow, you thought of all that . I guess without the corrosive effects of the opiate that we call social media, my brain was able to ideate a strategy based on my own admittedly rudimentary experiencebased intuitions about the marketplace. Oh, look what i made while i was talking. I owe you an apology, portia. You may not have an mba or be invited to the ceo gatherings where we hunt people and theyre not poor people either, theyre very solidly uppermiddle class but you are a real businesswoman. Thank you, diana. Oh, and i brought you something. Im really sorry, diana. Everything just got so turnt. And i just returned your followers. [phone chiming] ms. St. Tropez, you told me to assert myself. So thats what im doing. I dont want to be an executive producer. So youre refusing a promotion . Yes, and i know how that sounds [highpitched] ooh, im just a woman a big strong man should be in charge but its not like that. Its like this. Gregs job isnt my goal. My goal is to produce stories i care about why am i still talking like this . Stop. I know you think that im going to yell at you for passing up an opportunity, but i never do what people expect of me. Didnt see that one coming, did you . No, but it was cool, and i deserved it. This is what i wanted you to do to not let anything stand between you and what you want. Not even me. So good job, katie. Im proud of you. Im proud of both of you girls. How do you spell a . Like a apple . Hey, im sorry about today. Is this an actual sorry, or, sorry youre an idiot, and then you spray me with a hose . No, actual sorry. Your job is really hard, and i thought it would be easy because you make it look easy. Well, your jobs hard too. Its tough to be invested in a piece that someone else assigned you. From now on, if there is a story that you really want to do, i promise to listen. Really . Thanks, greg. Friends . Friends. Like ross and rachel from my gym. Hi, its me. Lets book that cruise after all. Yeah, shell have eggs, bagels, pancakes, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs. School fire. Thats donnas school Donna Wallace [coughing] i got her hey, if you can move, move yeah, yeah. Yeah. Mrs. Wagner went in for a second surgery, and it is still critical. Fire wasnt an accident. I have successfully signed up firehouse 51 for the firefighter muster this is just for a few weeks. Feel free to do whatever you need to do. Im hope, sylvies friend. I just wanted you to know that you can text me anytime