Transcripts For KGO Jimmy 20240703

Hi, everyone. Thank you. Well, very nice. I appreciate that. Im jimmy, i am the host of the show. Thanks for watching. Thank you for joining us. Welcome to hollywood. This is it. This is hollywood. Isnt it disappointing . [ laughter ] all the action is happening in new york right now. Where the Stormy Daniels roast of Donald Trumps penis continues for another day. [ laughter ] once again, trumps lawyers asked for a mistrial. Once again, the judge said no. Trump fell asleep again, multiple times. [ laughter ] look at this. Trump has now had his eyes closed for several minutes, with his chin jutting out. [ laughter ] he fell asleep while Stormy Daniels testified about sleeping with him. [ laughter ] team trump spent much of the day trying to paint daniels as a sleazy, moneygrubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off. [ laughter ] and it was quite a day to be a stenographer. These are actual phrases that were used in court today. Human toilet. Orange turd. And make america horny again. [ laughter ] print those out and hang them on the smithsonian wall. [ laughter ] there are no video cameras allowed in the courtroom. And today, the judge put the kibosh on photography, too. So we have to rely on the sketch artist, who has done a very good job. First of all, she whipped this out. [ laughter ] put a bikini on the laptop. And id also like to commend her for drawing two people, including a picture of those two people. [ laughter ] you should get paid twice for that, right . Trumps lawyers are still going with this he didnt have sex with her fairytale. This is a guy whos been sued hundreds of times for not paying plumbers, for stiffing dishwashers, waiters, painters, bartenders, even his own lawyers. Were supposed to believe hes handing a 130,000 check to a porn star for no reason . [ laughter ] its funny that while trumps lawyers are throwing their backs out trying to convince the jury that stormy made the whole sex thing up, ted cruz is on fox defending trump by saying the opposite. There is no person on planet earth that believes donald trump has been celibate all his life. That is not news. Jimmy thanks, ted. Thats going to make mothers day with melania a lot of fun this year. [ laughter and applause ] earlier this week, the judge warned trump that if he violates the gag order again, which would be the 11th violation, he could get jail time. And while in some ways, trump would love to go to jail and become the farter martyr [ laughter ] nobody wants to go to jail. He would be held in a standard 9x13 cell, 143 square feet. Which trump describes as 5,000 square feet with a balcony. [ laughter ] and new york mayor eric adams said Rikers Island is ready for trump now if he is imprisoned for contempt. What does that mean . The ketchup bottles are bolted to the tables . [ laughter ] what do they mean by the island is ready . It sounds like theyre preparing to imprison king kong. [ laughter ] trump might actually feel at home in rikers. Their prison jumpsuits are white with reddishorange stripes. [ laughter ] not unlike his favorite restaurateur. [ cheers and applause ] hell be making toilet mcflurries in no time. The election is now 179 days away, and President Biden told cnn he does not believe trump will accept the results of that election. Where would he get an idea like that . [ laughter ] its not just biden saying this. The Washington Post ran a big story about the fact that many Top Republicans are refusing to commit to accepting the results of the election. Which raises the question, why have an election if youre not going to accept the results . Whats the point . Imagine playing nine innings of baseball with a team that said, if you win were not accepting the score. [ laughter ] would you even pick up a bat . But instead, republicans are openly saying, heads we win, tails we say we won, and storm the capitol again. [ laughter ] republicans and democrats arent the only ones at each others throats. I dont know have you been following the ongoing saga of drake and Kendrick Lamar . [ laughter ] [ cheers ] first it was hall oates, and now we have this. [ laughter ] drake and kendrick have been going back and forth releasing songs about each other. Its by far the biggest story in music. And i have to say, i am not entirely sure about what theyre fighting about. But i really want to know because i like fights. [ laughter ] fortunately, we have an expert on our staff who can help us understand it. Id like you to please welcome our inhouse hiphop historian, gary greenburg, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hi, gary. Hi. So i thought i would explain everything in the form of a rap. Band, give me a beat jimmy oh, no, no, no beat. My name is gary hope you like my flow been rhyming since 1984 jimmy no, the band cant give you a beat. You dont want the rap . Jimmy no, i dont want the rap. I think it might be bad for both of us. And please take the hat off. [ laughter ] okay. I guess ill do the powerpoint presentation. Jimmy yes, do a powerpoint presentation, it will be better. All right, here we go. Kendrick vs. Drake wheres the beef . [ laughter ] 2012. Drake and kendrick are besties. Drake even took kendrick on tour with him. But in 2013, everything changed. Kendrick featured on control, a diss track where he called out many of the biggest names in rap, including drake. Diss means diss as in disrespectful and track jimmy we know. You know track, too . Jimmy yes. Okay. Kendrick rapped one at a time, i line em up and bomb on they mom. Jimmy kendrick was going to bomb on drakes mom . He certainly was. And drake is canadian. So he doesnt know about that kind of talk. [ laughter ] so he went from this to this jimmy uhhuh . [ laughter ] and that is called a meme, meme. According to Wikipedia Jimmy we know meme also, you dont have to do meme. All right. Drizzy, thats drakes nickname, fired back with the language where he rapped, i dont know why they been lying but your [ bleep ] is not all that inspiring. Which was meanspirited. [ laughter ] jimmy yes. And things were quiet for a while, until 2016. When then president obama was asked who would win in a rap battle. And he said, kendrick. So then drake rapped tell obama that my verses are like the whips he in, they bulletproof. [ laughter ] jimmy what does that mean, whips . Whips is like cars. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, like ghost riding the whip . Yeah, yeah. Bulletproof is when bullets cant go through. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, right. Okay. So then [ applause ] so then a few months ago, it ramped up bigtime. Champagne papi rapped how the f you bigsteppin with a sizeseven mens on . Meaning that kendrick has tiny itty bitty baby feet. [ laughter ] jimmy champagne papi is drake . Duh right . [ laughter ] and then kendrick responded with this bomb, he said, i be at new ho king eatin fried rice with a dip sauce and a blammy, crodie. [ laughter ] jimmy okay, what does that one mean . I have no idea. [ laughter ] then things got crazy. Drake rapped that kendricks an abuser and one of his kids isnt his. Kendrick released two tracks back to back, saying drake has a secret daughter and is a pedophile who uses ozempic. Jimmy oh, wow. [ laughter ] drake released another track denying everything. Then on tuesday, a security guy got shot outside drakes house. But for the past two days, its been kind of quiet. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i have to say i followed some of it, but its still the whole thing seems very confusing. It is. But let me explain it in a way i think youd understand. Okay. Basically, drake is kendricks matt damon. [ laughter ] jimmy oh oh, he hates him because hes terrible . [ laughter ] word. Word up, mother [ bleep ]. [ laughter and applause. Jimmy all right, all right, thank you. Thats very helpful, i appreciate that. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, gary. Gary greenburg, everybody. Now to for my next presentation oy ye kanye vs. The jews. [ laughter ] band, hit it jimmy no, not tonight. Please dont hit it. Being jewish aint that easy especially when youre dealing with yeezy he hittin the jews while makin shoes hipping it, hipping it [ cheers and applause ] jimmy did you know gary was jewish . Guillermo yeah. Jimmy you did, okay. [ laughter ] sundays mothers day, did you get your wife anything for mothers day . Guillermo yeah, flowers, money, and chocolate. Jimmy money . Guillermo yeah. Jimmy what is she, a prostitute . [ laughter ] guillermo no, so she can buy whatever she wants. Jimmy i see, i see. What about your mom . Guillermo flowers and money. Jimmy what about your grandmother . Guillermo same thing. Jimmy flowers and money. And her grandma . Guillermo nothing because shes dead. [ laughter ] jimmy just flowers. We have a relatively new tradition for mothers day. We ask celebrities to share some of the texts they get from their mothers. And this year, once again, mom did not disappoint. So my parents come and visit me in l. A. , they stay with me for a few days. Eventually they get an airbnb. This was the day they transitioned out of my house into the airbnb. Do me a favor, i move so quickly in and out of your house, i meant to get a handful of hangers. Would you put five or six hangers out on the porch, when dad and i go food shopping later i will pick them up. I or put them on chairs. So theyre not sitting in dirt. I put them on a table, not in dirt. Sorry to bother you, honey, i just found a whole bunch of hangers in the closet, so you can put those hangers back in the house. So she had the hangers at the airbnb. And i put my hangers back in my house. I dont know if this is interesting. [ laughter ] so my mom lives in mexico. And the highways can be dangerous. And heres why. She texted me at 9 22 a. M. Dead black cow on highway this morning. Sad face. And i responded, nooooo [ laughter ] we lost a lot of good milk that day. [ laughter ] i found an article online, and it was kind of mean, it was about me. I texted my mom, and her response was [ bleep ] her, big deal. I drove to her house, and now im waiting outside. [ laughter ] thanks, mom. Thats why you dont [ bleep ] with my mom. Got a cold out of nowhere. And a thunderstorm. So no swimming today. Hoping its allergies. Your mother loves you. Yeah, no swimming in thunderstorms, mom. Happy mothers day. Be careful on the view. Its a very politically motivated show. Maybe wear your hair up. Gives us height and slims our faces. Think about it. The outfit you wore on new years eve was stunning. Mamas suggestions. Love you. Didnt ask her for any of those. Brett, ive just started watching a documentary called mums make porn. These mums seem to wonderful, and ive only watched 20 minutes, and i have so little knowledge of this porn. I never watch it. I dont seek it out. I did see deep throat way back in 1970something. I hated it, and im still uncomfortable with it, and i realize now why. I love sex, and i love with sex with someone who loves me. This being paid to do things to men, men being aggressive, it makes me feel sick. Theres something so out of my control about it, so out of my comfort zone. Anyway, just checking in, happy sunday [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow. Thank you, mrs. Goldstein. We have a fun show for you tonight. Bert kreischer is here. Weve got music from andra day. [ cheers and applause ] and well be right back with chris pine. So stick around [ cheers and applause ] welcome to the new petsmart treats rewards™ collect points with every purchase. Save big on their favorite services. 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Dont miss out on our fastest speed plans yet switch to comcast business and get started for 49. 99 a month. Plus, ask how to get up to an 800 prepaid card. Call today jimmy welcome back. Weve got a fun show tonight. A funny man and a frequently topless man. You can see him live here in l. A. On saturday at the kia forum, Bert Kreischer is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, a grammy awardwinning singer and actress from san diego. Her album, Cassandra Cherith comes out tomorrow. Andra day from the don julio stage. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a talented and popular actor, hes also a cowriter, director and star of the new movie poolman. Way to be brave, diane. The tree, jail, june. Whos june . My passion isnt a threat to los angeles. These signs are saying my passion will save los angeles. And june is shining her flashlight on my freedom. I have to take this case. No, no. Yes. Sweetheart, you are not a detective david against the mighty goliath. David and goliath, thats the title for our documentary. Yes, the title of our documentary sit down. Ive got to move, diane the boys got to move, let him move. Jackie, this is not about you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy poolman opens in theaters tomorrow. Please welcome chris pine. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy why did you bring me an altoid . I wanted to bring you a couple of things. Altoid, so we can be fresh for one another. Jimmy okay. I brush my teeth right before the show every time. Have you felt otherwise . [ laughter ] i just think you could do with some freshness. Jimmy okay. [ laughter ] and then also, i was really pleasantly surprised. Right before you enter the last thing in here where you come into the thing and you come out here, theres a picture of me. Jimmy thats right. Ill tell you something, i was looking at that picture of you this morning. That makes me feel really good. Jimmy you know why i was looking at it, back then in that picture, you dressed you wore like jeans. You would wear like an oxford shirt. Yeah. Jimmy and lately your dressing has become more and more outlandish. [ laughter ] yeah. Jimmy why is that . Too many mushrooms. Jimmy is it mushrooms . [ laughter ] were blaming the mushrooms for this . No, i think maybe its just its a comfort thing. Jimmy uhhuh . You know . Jimmy yeah. Its l. A. Jimmy yeah. A different mode of dressing. Jimmy you love these unusual outfits . I like to have a good time. Life is too hard. You kind of want to its going to make you giggle. You put on some funky lemon pants. Jimmy uhhuh, yeah, no. I mean, you pull it off. Its pretty simple. Jimmy i would be destroyed by my friends if i wore anything even resembling that. I think you look great. Jimmy thank you, but im dressed like my dad. [ laughter ] this is i do want to talk about some of your outfits. Because this is your premiere, your poolman premiere. Basically, this is the character now . Yeah. So thats thats jimmy darren . Yeah, thats darren, but the car is like a 1987 mitsubishi, a very tiny, tiny van. Jimmy uhhuh . Thats my personal tshirt thats also in the film. Jimmy this is something you own . Yeah, i love l. A. Tshirt. Jimmy how long have you had that shirt . Like 19 years. [ laughter ] im from l. A. Too, it just shows you my passion. Those are my corduroy shorts that were like 5, but ive spent about 150 trying to repair them as theyve broken over the years. Jimmy oh, theyre a favorite pair. That is not my movie theater, unfortunately. Jimmy then we have a picture you posed for with the guy at langers deli. [ laughter and cheers ] this is interesting. Thats norm. Jimmy this is how you regularly dress . Yeah, its almost summer, you know . [ laughter ] i dont know. Those are my you know, like im a big fan of tom selleck. As we know, tom selleck liked a short short. Jimmy sure, he did, yeah. Theres a little boot of hooters waitress going on here, too. [ laughter ] me or norman . Jimmy norm for sure. Yeah, thats langers. A lot of people are from out of town here in the audience, but langers as worldfamous and l. A. Famous delicatessen. Jimmy many people say the best pastrami in the whole united states. Its unbelievable. Jimmy you love it . Its unbelievable. Jimmy better than new york . [ laughter ] people say, many say its better than new york. I dont want to get into a state versus state jimmy i thought you loved l. A. I do, i do. I dont want to get i may be in katz in new york. Jimmy eat wherever you go. That look, youre a bit of an influencer. Its really catching on. Ive seen people all over town wearing [ cheers and applause ] thats good. Thats really good. Thats incredible. [ cheers and applause ] just two big boys. Thanks, pal. Guillermo thank you. I really appreciate you. Guillermo any time. Thank you for doing this. Guillermo any time. We should go get a pastrami sandwich after. Would you like to . Jimmy altoids and a pastrami sandwich, it would be great. [ cheers and applause ] youre just going to stand oh. Jimmy thats where he was. A security man working hard. Jimmy thats right, working undercover. Big boy. Jimmy you did a great job with this movie, by the way. Thanks, man. Jimmy the characters are delightful, absolutely delightful, including your character. Yeah. Jimmy danny devito, annette bening. How much of this besides the outfits are drawn from your own personal life . Pretty much everything. You know, they say write about what you know. So i wrote about l. A. I included a lot of stuff in there that i like, like restaurants i like. Buildings that either are still around or arent and i wish were still around. A lot of stuff that caroms around in my blaine. Brain. So yeah, jack dennisoff is the character that danny devito plays. His wife, diane esplanade, played by annette benning. They run this apartment complex that was a motel, and he plays a b movie horror director from the 80s thats waiting for his agent to call him back. And his wife is a therapist, but she used to be an actress. She had to make money because jack as never making any money. Jimmy this is based all on your own parents . Yeah, this is based definitely on kind of the world that i grew up in. I mean, diane, who annette plays, is based on my High School English teacher. And then jack, theres a scene in the film thats a long scene, it doesnt really have anything to do with the plot but i found it funny. [ laughter ] and its about jack denny explaining the situation with this japanese restaurant that was not cooking him food but just giving him the bits and pieces so he could make it at home. And its a long, winding story with absolutely no end. And it came from this moment over quarantine where i was sitting with my dad, and my dad is wont to do these kind of very palatial stories, just on and on. Hes talking about jimmy thats a really nice word to describe them, palatial. Palatial. Jimmy palatial is an Excellent Way to describe my father has palatial stories about his knee surgeries. [ laughter ] yeah. Jimmy very palatial stories about the cinderblock wall theyve been building in their backyard for the last 11 years. [ laughter ] absolutely palatial. Absolutely palatial. So that just, you know jimmy did your dad recognize that that was one of his palatial stories . Im pretty sure he forgot the story. Jimmy your dad has a small part in the movie . He does. He plays a lizard. [ laughter ] youll have to see the film for that to make any sort of sense. Jimmy well take a break. More when we come back with chris pine. His movie is called poolman. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] coffee to go. Oh my gosh, youre my hero. Jason until, one night, he doesnt make it home. We need to show you the box. Leighton behind every door in there is a version of your life that you could have lived. What if the person that abducted me. Is me . Dark matter. On apple tv . You have all the ingredients for this in your fridge but ask yourself this. Of all the times youve made it at home. Has it ever tasted like our mcmuffin . Ba da ba ba ba. At tj maxx, you can afford to turn your closet into a place of endless expression. With the quality, styles, and prices you love. Jimmy were back with chris pine. His movie is called poolman. It opens in theaters tomorrow, which is exciting for you. You wrote it, you directed it, youre in it, youve got all your actors, et cetera. All the things. Jimmy your dad plays a lizard, as you mentioned. [ laughter ] yes, yes. Jimmy its your love letter to l. A. I do want to ask you one thing. It seems to be set i was guessing when i started watching like in 1982, maybe. Then you Start Talking about the movie erin brockovich. Well, that wasnt 1982. Then the cars are you know, theres cds and those werent there. Did you just go, i dont care about that . Yes. I have a smarter answer for that. It works, but italy because i think my character, darren, hes like a 43yearold boyman. I think the film is basically like an imaginative expression of his inner world. Its as if hed created the film. And i think he basically stopped emotionally growing in about 1988. So the thing has its very much for me i have a romantic sense of that time, because its where movies were big and life felt romantic and bigger. So thats part of it. And then also, i dont really think cell phones in movies are romantic and sexy. That kind of thing. Jimmy what were you up to when you were 17 years old, living here in l. A. . I was smoking pot on mulholland. [ laughter ] jimmy really on mulholland, yeah . Yeah. You . Jimmy well, im quite a bit older than you. I was working at kroc at that time. I was working in l. A. On the radio. At 17 . Not at 17. Jimmy when i was 17. No, i remember listening to you. Jimmy no, when i was 17 . I dont know. Throwing rocks over the brick wall in the backyard. [ laughter ] that kind of stuff. Drinking hot beers out of the trunk of my isuzu imark. Buying a 15pack of strohs. Me and my friend tommy eating a sixfoot sub, just the two of us, to see if we could do it. 17 years old, this is third eye blind era type of thing . Yeah, 17, sublime. Jimmy uhhuh, right. Nirvana. Definitely in that phase. Jimmy yeah. That was hiphop, a lot of wutang, a lot of tribe. But yeah, so id say mulholland for pot. I was never really a good pot smoker, but i really wanted to be. [ laughter ] jimmy uhhuh . Really, really wanted to be. Then Universal City walk was a big thing. Jimmy oh, yeah. Universal city walk had just opened up. Thats not universal studios. Jimmy its a mall. Its a mall. So there to smoke jimmy more pot, yeah. [ laughter ] and then i want to see if i can jimmy what else . Did you drive around . Yeah, driving around. Jimmy yeah, driving arounds always good. Trying to steal stop signs. Jimmy did you really . Yeah. Jimmy did you get one . I got one. Jimmy hows you get it . I dont know, why is that such a big deal . I had a whole thing. I wanted to get a stop sign and put it up in my room. Jimmy theres something about that. We didnt have one. I wasnt Strong Enough to get one. Yeah, i could see why youd want that, i dont know. Then signs that have funny street names. Sure, sure. Jimmy whenever i drive by a street like that, oh, somebodys going to steal that sign for sure. [ laughter ] i have a pine street thing at my house that i didnt steal but a friend of mine gave to me. Jimmy from seattle . From seattle . Jimmy yeah, thats like a famous street up in seattle. Well get you one, dont worry. Thanks, wow, cool. Jimmy you went to the see council meeting, your character. Did you go to real City Council Meetings . Yeah, its crazy. Jimmy it is crazy, right . The craziest thing about it is that they have i may be wrong about the amount of time. But if someone wants to talk, no matter how crazy or delusional, they have got to let the person speak. Jimmy thats right, thats true. Five minutes or two and a half minutes jimmy they have a time limit. And they cant stop them. Jimmy thats all you get there is crazy people. They have a lot of people searching for free iced tea and air conditioning. Jimmy yeah, it is one of those things. You think its cool to run for city council . You realize youre just basically in a mental institution. [ laughter ] from 9 00 in the morning until 4 00 every single day. I cant imagine. I cant imagine doing it. Jimmy you shot a funny fake commercial to promote the movie. I want to run that up. Im darren berman, owner of poolman and awesome aquatics. Lets go. I treat your pool like my own because i love what i do. From reading complicated dials and pumps to balancing chemicals. Its your oasis. Stay awesome, los angeles Spring Savings starts may 10th. [ cheers and applause ] hey, and by the way, so awesome aquatics is the name of darren, the name of my character, the name of his pool company. You can call that number and leave a message if you want. Jimmy do people call the number . Oh, yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy you answer the phone if they call the number . No. [ laughter ] jimmy you dont. Well, listen. If you want to talk about chlorine or whatever, call that number. [ laughter ] im here. Jimmy you can find it online. Chris pine, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] his movie poolman opens in theaters tomorrow. Thank you, chris. Well be back with Bert Kreischer [ cheers and applause ] th allst. Because there are people out there who arent you. A lot of them. And you dont drive like. Whoa. I dont want my child being raised by a robot other drivers are not you. 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Microbes, really . Theyre always on your scalp. Little rascals. But good news, theres no itchiness, dryness or flakes down here i love tiny troy. And his tiny gorgeous hair. Hes the best. Make every wash count little help please. Jimmy music from andra day is on the way. Our next guest is another beautiful bearded man. On saturday night, he takes the stage at the forum in inglewood. Please say hello to Bert Kreischer. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, bert, how are you . Youre having a big week, huh . Started it with a roast of tom brady on sunday. Dude. Jimmy you got all this netflix comedy festival stuff going on this week. You end it with you end it or go home after the b1g show this weekend . Its mothers day. Jimmy its mothers day. Oh, yeah. I havent planned anything. Jimmy yeah, you better get something together. I think about me first. [ laughter ] i think about me as much as humanitarians think about other people. [ laughter ] jimmy youre a humeitarian. How was that roast, by the way . Was that fun for you . Terrifying. Because first of all, its a big dais. Its a big list. Theres a bunch of murderers. Jimmy yeah. And jimmy i know what you mean. Yeah. And nikki destroyed. Jimmy she did, nikki glaser. Kevin killed. Drew [ bleep ] bledsoe killed. Jimmy that was a surprise. That would have bothered me if i was there. Nikki destroys. Tom looks at me, buddy, were going to need [ bleep ]. Schultz is nervous, an hour and a half into the roast, were about to eat [ bleep ] bad. Two dudes storming the beaches at normandy, buddy, if we die, we die together. I gave him a kiss, we went up. Went real well, it went great. Thank god we followed kim kardashian. [ laughter ] that womans a gangster, okay . They booed her top to bottom, i know they edited it out, it was kind of stupid. You know what else they edited out . Tom and i are shaking, we did great. Sam day is next. Yo, bert, im lighting you up. Jimmy gave you a headsup . Gave me a headsup. She did five minutes on me, just destroying me. And one of the things she said i know i told you this, i dont know if im allowed to tell it. Jimmy tell it, tell it, you can tell it, yeah. [ laughter ] runthrough, i had a nicotine pouch, white nicotine pouchs in a can in my pocket. The director said, you cant put it in your pocket, its distracting. I put it in a little bag. She started calling me a fake party animal that i dont even do drugs, im not even dead like all the good ones, i just have sex with my wife. I went into my pocket and i pulled out my nicotine patches and i wiggle they said. [ laughter ] schultz goes, you got a bag of blow on you . The cameras on me and the forum goes nuts. Like, this dude brought coke tommys like, what . The camera goes off me and i start going, hehh tom goes in the bathroom, youre about to go viral, everybodys going to think youre a cokehead. They edited it out, thank god. I didnt want to have to deal with my daughters. No pills forever, then dads rolling in with a half eightball. Jimmy not great for the kids. No. Jimmy you also went viral for a different reason. That reason was when Tony Hinchcliffe was on from kill tony. He was talking about you. Yeah. Jimmy and you were like mouthing the teleprompter along with him. [ laughter ] hes so bad. Look, you can put a monkey in a tux, its still a monkey. [ laughter ] and i was leann was over to the side going, stop talking. And im like, im not talking. I go back to the prompter. Id read everyones jokes to myself. [ laughter ] jimmy i think we have a clip of that happening. Bert kreischer is a king. He looks like if the tiger king and the liver king only ate burger king and had a liver that looked like Martin Luther king got beat up by rodney king. Jimmy you would not be a good ventriloquist. Bro, that is everything you need to know about me. That is everything every teacher thought about me. Thats what my dad thought about me. I cant hide it, man, im an idiot. Jimmy you did something that seemed like an odd thing to do during comedy week. You guys you and tom segura had a 5k. Yeah. Jimmy for your fans, for your listeners to your podcast. [ laughter ] we got to a place where no one says no to us anymore. All our bad ideas come to fruition. Jimmy whose idea was the 5qk . Theyre all mine. We put it out there, nothing will happen. Then jelly role was like, im doing berts 5k. Hes the biggest artist in the country. All of a sudden People Magazine picks it up. Yo, weve got to make a 5k. [ laughter ] thank god netflix, the joke festival. Them and spartan race put on a 5k. We rented out the rose bowl. It was insane. So i ran it twice. I ran the first heat with the fans. I got hit by a golf cart. [ laughter ] i did, i got hit by my assistant was driving. [ laughter ] then i ran the second one with jelly. I put a 50pound pack on my back. Jimmy just to get a little extra cardio going . Listen, hes the man. If jelly says hes going to do something, im going im the guy that shows up for him. So i lost 50 pounds. So i put that 50 pounds back, walked with him. Jimmy ah. We had a great time. The best part, jimmy, we planned our 5k maybe a little unwisely, we planned it on a popular jogging path. [ laughter ] so there was about 300 people that didnt know they entered a 5k. [ laughter ] they were just walking. There were these two mexican women pushing their kids in strollers. All of a sudden theyre like, oh, jelly roll [ laughter ] as if jelly rolls lost in pasadena. Me and him coming back from a coke binge. [ laughter ] jimmy is it true that you spoke at harvard . Like last month . Yes, i did. Jimmy you did. How did that happen . Did they of course youve got a long history with college from that you were in college for seven years. Dude, im hot at college. Jimmy youre hot at college. I party, right . I party. And kids, i just jimmy not what i hear. [ laughter ] i had this speech that went viral about me never quitting drinking and why i drink. And the boys love it. So, like, i go to university of tennessee, i roll into a frat party at 1 00 in the morning and 2,000 kids get onstage, take my shirt off, a couple of shots in the bus, back on the road, right . I do it a lot. I get a call from harvard. Yo, can you talk to us about marketing . [ laughter ] i was like, yeah, i guess. Are you sure you know what youre getting . No, no, we know. My shirts coming off, you know that. I opened my speech up, when i was 22 years old i got involved inn with the russian mafia, and theyre like, what the i talked at harvard. It was like them taking a cave man out of ice. How did you kill the woolly mammoth . I told them all my marketing ideas. How i operate. They were creating a. I. To think how my brain normally thinks. Jimmy what . Oh, bro. Jimmy really . They were befuddled by me. Youre a highfunctioning alcoholic, running a 5k, launched a vodka why do you make these decisions . I dont know. Took my shirt off. All these baccalaureates getting pictures with me. You guys want to see something amazing . Watch this. Put out a tweet or an instagram, hey, harvard, im on campus, hitting up grendels, see you there. Im like, guys, wait till you see what happens. I know what happens. No one showed up. No one showed up. Not one. These harvard kids are not right. Theres something wrong with them. Two lesbians on their first date showed up. They were on the bar going, i love you, and i was like, okay. And i was like, you guys want to do a shot . Yeah. You guys want a picture . Theyre like, nah. I felt like o. J. Simpson. Were good, were good, my parents see this. Jimmy well, im sure there will be plenty of people on the forum. Saturday night, its in inglewood. Berts specials are all on netflix, your roast of tom brady is on netflix. Its all on netflix. Bert kreischer, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, gert. Well be back with andra day lou the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by tequila don julio, an icon of modern mexico. Norman, bad news. I never graduated from med school. What . But the good news is. Xfinity mobile just got even better now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. Plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. I gotta get this deal. Thats like 20 a month per unlimited line. I dont want to miss that. Thats amazing doc. Mobile savings are calling. Visit xfinitymobile. Com to learn more. Doc . Lou the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by tequila don julio, an icon of modern mexico. Jimmy thanks to chris pine and Bert Kreischer. Apologies to matt damon. Nightline, is next. But first her album Cassandra Cherith is out now. Here with the song probably, andra day [ cheers and applause ] see i have a couple of birds they tell me that you oversell your troubles but you always did have trouble with the truth see i have the homies and my kin who look out for me and they could see you pullin me out of my character and just when i got myself together youre always the good guy i didnt know oh and my heart was wide open you could choose to be real but no you probably tell the world that i hated you but you know more than anyone thats far from true i loved you oh oh probably tell the world i didnt believe in you but you know more than anyone im solid boo i loved you oh oh now usually im not one to go back and dwell on the past but you are one of those special cases so i got to ask is it worth maybe settin the record straight and no hard feelings you just looselippin and you know you know im not comfortable with it cause you probably tell the world that i hated you but you know more than anyone thats far from true i loved you oh oh probably tell the world i didnt believe in you but you know more than anyone im solid boo i loved you oh oh theres beauty in startin all over now i know oh and my heart is still wide open im good and boo with the things i cant control so go on and tell the world that i hated hated you you know more than anyone thats so far from true i loved you oh ohh you probably tell the world that i hated you you you and thats so far from true i loved you oh probably tell them all i loved you that i was always good to you ooh ooh hmm hmm hmm ooh ooh i [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. 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