Thing and let jim jordan speaker today . Lou from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight simu liu, Jim Jefferies, and music from myke towers. With cleto and the cletones. And now, jimmy kimmel [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hello. Im jimmy. Im the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us. In hollywood, california. We have a lot to cover tonight. We have i dont mean to quiet you down, but we have no time for fun tonight. Our pumpkinheaded former president [ laughter ] was mouthbreathing his way through another day in court today. This was not the january 6th insurrection case, thats in washington. Its not to be confused with the electiontampering case, thats in georgia. Or the stolen documents case in florida. Or the Stormy Daniels or e. Jean carroll cases that are also in new york. [ laughter ] this is his fraud trial in new york. I know. Its hard to keep track. Donny cochran has been using this trial as a platform to air grievances. Particularly about the gag order the judge put on him in washington. The just said basically i dont have a right to speak. And im being restricted, my speech has been taken away from me. Im the candidate thats running for office and im not allowed to speak. Jimmy did all 15 microphones get that . [ laughter ] only donald trump would claim that hes not allowed to speak while speaking to 40 cameras at a press conference. One axe trumps been grinding over and over is that he was denied the chance to have a jury trial in this case, which is not true. His dummy lawyers forgot to request a jury trial. Which means hes definitely not paying them. [ laughter ] but watch here, Pay Attention to the woman on the left, shes his lawyer. Shes part of the team that dropped the ball on making the jury request. Very unfair, we dont get a jury trial, theres no jury. I want a jury, im entitled to a jury. Im not allowed to have a jury. I never heard of that before. I dont get the option. If i begged for a jury, they wouldnt give me a jury. I get no junior. Jimmy junior melania is like, i hope he doesnt look back here. [ laughter ] according to prosecutors, trump illegally inflated the value of his properties in order to secure loans and deflated the value of those same properties for tax purposes. And there is nothing that makes him madder than when someone challenges how much money hes worth. Based on her convincing the judge maralago is worth 18 million instead of a billion to a billion five, which would sell very easily. Based on that, he ruled against me. He ruled fraud. He said fraud. They are the fraudulent people. Because they ruled the house that was worth 18, they put down as worth 18 million, and its worth maybe close to 100 times that amount. Jimmy yeah, lets trust the numbers from a guy who claimed he weighs 215 pounds. [ laughter ] he went on to say his house is worth more than any house in the world. I guess that includes buckingham palace. I dont know. [ laughter ] and when he was done bragging about his house, he took a moment to weigh in on the house where trumps little wrestling buddy jim jordan is having a hell of a time trying to get elected speaker. I think jim will be speaker of the house. Loves our country, wants to see it do well. I think hes going to be confirmed sometime soon. Jimmy hang on one second. Can we go back to the i want to know, who is this little fella in the bowtie . [ laughter and applause ] peering menacingly over his orville redden booker glasses. We looked him up, turns out thats one of trumps lawyers. He found him living in a tree. [ laughter ] and he hired him. But anyway, back to jim jordan, trump said he would be confirmed soon. But they voted and jordan was not confirmed. He fell about 20 votes short and they scrapped a second vote. Turns out, theres something about being a loser that really suits jim jordan. [ laughter ] the house is expected to vote again tomorrow. Insiders are saying that one of jordans biggest hurdles is that no one likes him. [ laughter ] no one in the world likes him. A lot of republicans were apparently turned off by the fact that during their closeddoor meeting last week, jordan told his colleague, steve scalise, america wants me and stormed out the door. Right. I bet Scarlett Johannsen wants you too. [ laughter ] jim jordan, if you dont know his story is a particularly terrible choice for speaker, because when he was a wrestling coach at ohio state, there was a doctor sexually abusing the student athletes. According to multiple credible witnesses, including at least 11 former members of his team, jordan knew all about it but didnt say anything. A man who is famous for not speaking up would like to be speaker. [ laughter ] its really something. Congress, they havent had a speaker for two weeks. Theres no end in sight. Maybe its time we take away their right to choose. I dont know. [ cheers and applause ] and while that inability to elect a leader is obviously a symptom of the deep dysfunction within the gop, youll never guess who theyd like you to blame. Lets go back to how we got here. We wouldnt be here if every single democrat didnt vote with eight republicans to shut this place down. Republicans voted against jim jordan including two votes from somebody who isnt even a member anymore. Every single democrat and eight republicans voted to shut down the government, that is why wear here today. Jimmy no, were here because your own party threw you out like a tray of salmon cakes from last weekends hometown buffet. [ laughter ] but really, how can you not blame democrats . I mean, before mccarthy was ousted, the republicans came to them and said, look, we have these crazy people in our party who want to blow everything up, and we need your votes or nothing can get done. So heres what well do. You guys give us enough votes to elect a speaker, and in return, well give you nothing and call you all a bunch of communists and grammers. Deal . Hey, wait, where are you going . Dont you care about the government . And now, it seems like nobody is able to unite the party. Republicans cant get on the same page. Although matt gaetz keeps trying to get on the female ones. [ moans and laughter ] [ rim shot ] jimmy thank you. Somebody had better grab that gavel soon. Because the governments staring down another shutdown next month, and the house still needs to pass crucial military aid packages for ukraine and israel. President biden is headed to israel tomorrow. Which wasnt sending an 80yearold on a Dangerous Mission across the globe the plot of the last Indiana Jones mov movie . [ laughter ] [ applause ] and im not sure that went great. This is a risky trip for the president. But if it goes well, it could give his campaign a boost. He just lost out on a major endorsement from, i dont know if you heard this, from waka flocka flame. Who, out of nowhere, decided to endorse donald trump. Do you think trump knows who that is . Theres an excellent chance trump thinks waka flaka flame is the name of a sandwich at burger king. [ laughter ] waka hasnt always been supportive of trump. In 2015, he tweeted, f donald j. Trump. And in 2017, a fan threw a trump jersey on stage while he was performing and he did this, not a very nice thing to do. But this turnaround is big. Because as goes waka flaka flame, so goes flocka seagulls. And chumbawumba too. [ laughter ] by the way, if youre keeping track, its important to note that trump is up to three black friends. [ laughter and applause ] speaking of unlikely friends, have you heard the latest about mitt romney and oprah . In his new book, ironing my pants, mitt romney says that oprah wanted to team up with him and run for president in 2020 with him as her running mate. Team oprah is challenging that saying its not true. It is hard to believe. Why would oprah even want to be president . Thats a demotion from being oprah. [ laughter ] and why would she pick mitt romney as a running mate . According to the book, the idea was to get a powerful democrat and a powerful republican to join forces to give the American People something none of us want. [ laughter ] that wouldve been great. They couldve been ebony and whats whiter than ivory . Anything . [ laughter ] of course, some people dont believe oprah has what it takes to be president , but as far as im concerned if you can grow a cabbage this size in your yard, you can do anything. You know who could use an oprahcaliber running mate . Mike pence. Mike pence is running out of money. Hes down to the last penny in his loafer. [ laughter ] the Pence Campaign is reportedly 620,000 in debt. I guess his rock n roll lifestyle finally caught up with him. Apparently, pence has been having trouble winning over republican voters, especially the ones who tried to hang him. [ laughter ] his campaign is facing mounting debt, but he wont admit it. Mainly because mother wont let him use the word mounting. [ laughter ] just out of curiosity, i looked at google searches for mike pence over the past five years and you know what was the single moment we were most interested in him . That moment right there on october 7th, 2020. The moment a fly landed on his head. [ laughter ] that was number one. [ applause ] maybe that should be his running mate. But its not all bad news for mike pence. Hes so close to breaking 500 youtube subscribers. [ laughter ] and not only isnt mike giving up, hes got some exciting new fundraising ideas. Hello, patriots. Im former Vice President mike pence. As some of you may have heard, im running for president. Although it appears many of you have not heard that. Because my campaigns a little tight on el dinero at the moment. Thats why were rolling up our sleeves and having a good oldfashioned pence for president yard sale. This weekend, grab a piece of pence history, like the fonzie jacket i wore when i stared down kim jongun. The dungarees i wear when im around common humanfolk. Yeehaw my favorite milk cup. My secondfavorite milk cup. My jesus is kingsized bedsheets. And the special shoes that allow me to run and clap at the same time. Be sure to come early, because the first 100 shoppers get a bowl of mothers famous homeboiled plain noodles and butter. Mama mia if that doesnt give you a pepperoni in your dockers, good luck. Come one and all to the pence for president yard sale. No reasonable offer will be refused. All proceeds are split between the Pence Campaign and the United States space force. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, if those jesus sheets could talk. Weve got a fun show for you tonight. A very funny man, Jim Jefferies is here. [ cheers and applause ] we have music from myke towers. And well be right back with simu liu. [ cheers and applause ] so stick around jimmy hi, there. Welcome back to the show. Tonight, a very funny man, you can catch him live on his give em what they want tour, Jim Jefferies is with us. [ cheers and applause ] all the way from australia. Then later, he is from puerto rico, his album is called la vida es una. Music from myke towers. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, well be joined by Martin Scorsese tomorrow night, thats pretty exciting. Mike epps will be here tomorrow night and music from chelsea cut letter too. Please join us for that. Our first guest is a tremendously successful actor, marvel martial artist, and New York Times bestsealing author who new immerses himself in the world of soup dumplings. Please welcome simu liu [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its very strange. Its great to have you here. Finally, yeah. Jimmy youve been here, what, four times . This is my fourth time on the show, jimmy, and weve never met. Jimmy weve never met. How is this possible . Jimmy i guess once you hosted the show for me, thank you for doing that. Youre very welcome. Jimmy i think the other times, you were here with guest hosts over the summer. Who is your agent . Who negotiated this much time off for you . I want him. Or her. Jimmy his name is babydoll. [ laughter ] ill introduce you to babydoll. You and babydoll would hit it off. You let me know, i want those summers off too. Jimmy no, id be happy to help you out. Youve been here a bunch of times. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy you talked to the audience, not to me, although i did watch you on tv. Im sure you were somewhere warm. Jimmy i was up fishing, nice. Warmer than it should have been. Im so glad. Jimmy its great to have you here. So good to be here. Jimmy can you catch me up on what i missed . Yeah, i brought cue cards. Jimmy okay, great. This is stuff that i basically revealed on the show. Jimmy okay, good. Or talked about with all the other hosts, basically bullet points about my jimmy great, i dont want to ask questions youve already answered. I got a job as an accountant, i got laid off, never told my parents. My parents told me i was conceived after she had a date at kfc. This is a great story. It was the first kfc that opened up in china. My parents stood in line for two hours to get the kfc, and then later, they made me. [ laughter ] so its great. Jimmy youre a kfc bucket baby . Yeah, baby. Lets see. A lot of these are parent stuff. Theres more about my parents than there is about me. Parents came back when i was 4 1 2 to take me to canada, both became aerospace engineers. Jimmy okay, same here. [ laughter ] i was voted one of torontos hottest bachelors how did that get in there . I dont know. [ cheers and applause ] someone snuck that one in. You know. Spiderman at kids birthday parties. Youre caught up. Jimmy all right, good. Im glad we caught up. Where do you live now . I live here. Jimmy in l. A. . Yeah. Jimmy you have u. S. Citizenship . I know youre from canada. Ive been riding that alien of extraordinary visa for probably seven years. Jimmy is that what its called . Yeah, yeah. Jimmy i would go see that movie. [ laughter ] its a cool scifi epic somewhere. Thank you for mentioning that. Ive been having a lot of trouble trying to get this green card. I swear to god. Ive been trying to get this green card for five years. You sent something in to immigration, you just wait forever. And then they send you one letter and theyre like, please send all of these things. And you have to do like a medical, a police check im not saying that i didnt pass those things. [ laughter ] but if you do one of those things wrong, they kick your application all the way to the back of the line. Jimmy but isnt it true that if you were conceived on a night after kfc has been consumed, that you are automatically an american citizen . [ laughter ] that might be the most american thing about me, or anyone. Jimmy its similar to being its actually, i think, the same rule as like when youre born on a military base overseas. Yeah, they should just i should be a citizen at that point. Jimmy of course you should be a citizen. Guillermo has his green card, maybe he can help you. Guillermo yeah, i help you, dont worry, after the show well talk. [ laughter ] jimmy he knows people over there. Good, good. Jimmy you received an honor in our country last week, you were invited to the premiere of taylor swifts concert movie. [ cheers and applause ] yes. Jimmy starstudded event. Absolutely. Jimmy you went with who . I went with my girlfriend, alison. Like the biggest swiftie in the world. I know theres probably swifties in the audience. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy shes big, alison, huh . Yeah, shes up there. She went to the eras tour five times. Jimmy she did, wow. Its the freaking super bowl. Its 70,000 people stadiums. Shes taylors a force of nature. So i get it. Ive been kind of, like, roped into the fandom, you know. Initially, but then you start listening to your music and youre like, oh my god, this woman has written a song for every conceivable situation in life. [ laughter ] dealing with the haters, heartbreak, youve got a crush, youve got a crush thats in a relationship, youve got a crush thats out of a relationship, you were just out of a relationship and youve got a crush, and youre trying to decide whether you want to be in a relationship i mean, true jimmy you really did get roped in. Oh, yeah, hardcore. Jimmy you know the words to the songs and everything . Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didnt know this would happen but taylor came to all of the cinemas in the grove to say hi because shes an incredible person. Then she ended up sitting behind us. Jimmy you had better seats than taylor swift . [ laughter ] i was one row closer than taylor swift. Jimmy we have a video here. Here you are. Yeah, there you are. Whos filming this . Oh, wow, you look embarrassed that youve gotten better seats than taylor swift. Well, im just im embarrassed because im, like, clearly theyre not taking the video for me. I just feel like im in the way. [ laughter ] then i also feel like, okay, im a [ bleep ] if i just sit. Then i dont look like im enjoying the music. If im too into it, im stealing her frame. So im like, im trying to do jimmy blocking her. Exactly, exactly. Jimmy how long did she sit behind you . The whole movie. Which you would think was like a big i was freaking out. Alison was apoplectic. She was just the whole time, you know. Jimmy you had to make sure youre showing proper enthusiasm. Absolutely. Thats the thing. Halfway through the movie, i had to pee. [ laughter ] i had to go so bad. Its like these premieres always start late and i was downing diet cokes. Jimmy the movie is 2 1 2 hours long. 2 1 2 hours long. Im trying to figure out what the best era is to go. [ laughter ] that would be least offensive for taylor. And i was like, well, its obviously not going to be reputation or 1989, those are my personal favorites, im never missing those. I cant wait until midnight. All the eras are great, right . I made the decision to go during folklore. I was like, i cant hold it anymore. Jimmy you know what, thats good, that one was the one out in the woods and thats a great place to pee. [ laughter ] its perfect. Jimmy right . Yes. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy makes sense. Im glad we understand each other. Jimmy did you make sure she knew why you were kind of scurrying out and coming back . Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, i made a whole show of it. Then i ran. I did the Movie Theater run. Jimmy wow, your girlfriend really is a lucky lady. I mean, for you to go and hang out and be enthusiastic. Does she go with you to things that maybe she wouldnt necessarily go to . You know, thats a really good point. Shes roped me into a lot of stuff over the time that weve been together. Jimmy and you dont get like a ufc event or Something Like that in return . I know, i know. I have convinced her to come up to im a big raptors fan. Its hard to see [ cheers ] yes and its hard well, its hard to be a raptors fan in l. A. I have roped her into coming up north with me. Jimmy youre still owed, i think. Really. Jimmy well figure out a price she can pay. When we come back, were going to talk about i appreciate that. Jimmy i have to say, weve had many guests, weve never had anything like what you are about to tell us about. Im ready. Jimmy well find out about that when we come back. Simu low woo is with us. Well be right back the new bbq ranch chicken crunch from jimmy johns is here. With housemade bbq ranch sauce, allnatural chicken and crispy tortilla strips. All that sauciness comes as a sandwich sandwich or wrap. Sandwich or wrap . for a limited time, at jimmy johns as a sandwich or wrap . 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Ive got a lot of time on my hands recently, basically. No, i jimmy ive got to tell you, i love soup dumplings. Theyre delicious. If youve never had them have you had a soup dumpling, guillermo . Guillermo yes, jimmy, yes. Jimmy of course you have reserve you are a soup dumpling. [ laughter and applause ] soups are in the dumpling. Im so glad you like them. Jimmy youre the chief content officer . Chief concept officer of mila, this Incredible Company i own a piece of now. Jimmy does that mean as chief content officer, you get to decide what goes into the dumplings . Oh, no, yeah, no. I dont have those kind of qualifications. Its content in the way genz, content. Jimmy i see. Content. Jimmy dumplingrelated content and nod dellrelated content. Yeah, no, its a great company. The whole thing, we ship in dry ice to every single household across the United States. The dumplings are ready in ten minutes, perfectly frozen, theyre very, very fresh. They taste great. Jimmy youve got it all down. How did you become involved with this company . Yeah, so theres two versions to this story. Jimmy okay. Ill tell the pg one first, then fill in the details. Jimmy okay. The pg version is that my parents were house sitting for me. Id just gotten this house. It was a couple of holidays ago. And mila sent along a pr pack anage while i was out of town, my parents intercepted it, decided to cook it. There was none left for me by the time i got back. And thats how we started working together. I got the asian parent approved stamp. Jimmy thats a good stamp of approval for sure. Yeah. So im going to tell the less pg version of what happened on this weekend, which is insane. Jimmy okay, all right. So the points are the same. I did get this new house, my parents are house sitting for me. Theres really nothing in this house other than some very basic furniture. Some clothes. And some, um some some edibles. And things that i consume recreationally. Jimmy yes. Infrequently. Jimmy these are legal here. To help me relax. Very much so. Im leaving my parents jimmy he means weed, guillermo. Guillermo oh, yeah, i know, yeah. Jimmy sorry, go on. Like hey, youve got uber eats, postmates, doordash, heres some money, take care of yourselves, treat yourselves. Then i up and leave. Thing is, my parents are workingclass immigrants who grew up in china in the 60s and 70s. Very frugal people. Theyve never paid for delivery in their entire lives. Jimmy that is true . 100 . I think maybe one time they ordered a pizza, but it was free delivery for my birthday party. [ laughter ] i was 10 or 11. That was the only time. Jimmy wow. I think they were trying to figure out these apps for the first time, on this first night that theyre by themselves. And its too complicated. They give up. And my mom starts foraging around the house for things to eat. And shes looking, and shes looking, and she finds her way into my walkin closet where she finds what she believes again, workingclass immigrant no idea what drugs look like. She finds what she thinks are gummy bears and trail mix with dried mushrooms inside. Shes like, oh, these are snacks. Jimmy right. These are snacks. She takes them to my dad. They start popping them like skittles. Jimmy oh, no. And over the course of the night yeah. My mom becomes increasing shes like, im hungrier, the more im eating, the hungrier im getting. And also, i think im going to die. [ laughter ] and my dad is like, at this point, hes like, we need to go to the grocery store. And my moms like, uhhuh. And so and its nighttime. They get into my car. Immediately crash it. [ laughter ] jimmy they did . They crash it in my driveway. Into like the shrubs and things. And they are so high at this point, theyre freaking out. They dont know what else to do. They knock on my neighbors door. My neighbor gets roped into this. Excuse me, im so sorry, i crashed my car, i dont know how to drive it back up into the driveway, can you please do it for me . The neighbor gets roped into it. He gets in, drives the car up. My parents are theyre freaking out. The next morning, my parents starving and so high and so hungry. And its at that moment the pr package from mila arrived. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh my god. Its got everything, the dumplings and the noodles. We have a couple of different flavors of ice cream as well. Its like christmas day. Jimmy like a miracle. Theyre like, oh my god so i get home many days later, and the car is totaled. My shrubs are wrecked. And my drugs are gone. [ laughter ] and i looked at my parents and im like, okay, first of all, i am never leaving you unsupervised in my house ever again. Jimmy were they mad at you . Or were you mad at them . They didnt know what had happened to them for many months after. Because they didnt understand the concept of hallucinogenics. And then they were like well, one thing i know for sure is youve got to get involved in that company because those dumplings were so good [ cheers and applause ] and so i bought a piece of the company. And i became their chief content officer. Jimmy oh, that is absolutely great. Its a crazy story. Jimmy well, congratulations. That is quite an origin story youve got there. Thank you, yes. Jimmy the website, eatmila. Com. You can have them shipped, just like simus parents. The soup dumplings you can get at Grocery Stores around the country if your car is able to make it to them. [ laughter ] including select target stores start is next week. Thats right. And the ed dibbles you can get jimmy everywhere. Literally everywhere. [ cheers and applause ] simu liu, everybody well be back with Jim Jefferies. [ am pm by notd begins ] how good does it feel when threshold decor welcomes more seasonal style for less . 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Liberty. Liberty. Are you guys watching . This is my favorite part. You watching . Okay, time to get your own bed, hank. Chewy has great prices. Hope you like plaid. I do. Who wants popcorn . Get more of what your pet loves with every day great prices and fast Free Shipping at chewy. Lou its time for the worst thing my partner owns. Im vicki walker. This is my husband dave. Im from evansville, indiana. The worst thing my husband owns us his collection of jimmy dean breakfast bowls. Little plastic bowls he puts in the microwave every morning, washes it out, and refuses to throw it away. We have them everywhere. He took over a whole subboard in the kitchen. He has over 3,000 of these useless, stupid, nothing i have a purpose for them, but im not saying what. [ laughter ] he has no idea. Im going to keep saving them. Lou what a beautiful inheritance for the grandkids. Youre firing me. Id like to offer you a job as the host of our cooking show. Are you concussed . N. 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Is someone trying to steal your butterfinger this halloween . Call the bfi. No one lays a finger on your butterfinger. Jimmy music from myke towers is on the way. Our next guest is an actor and comedian with ten standup comedy specials under his belt. You can see him live and up close on his give em what they want tour. Please say hello to Jim Jefferies. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you . My son plays Little League with cletos son. Jimmy is that right . Yeah, we hang out in the Little League, man. Jimmy hey, nice. Do you get to go to a lot of these games . I know youre on tour. I try to go as much as i can, but im on the road a doing gigs. Jimmy are you giving them what they want . The tour is going very well. I had a bit of a thing two weeks ago. Jimmy i heard you had a medical event. I was in kingston, which is im told the harvard of canada, if there is such a thing, a smallish sort of town. A lot of people showed up. A great gig, really nice. Afterwards i wake up in the morning, im going down to my car, going to ottawa for the next gig, twohour drive. I feel a sharp pain. It got sharper and sharper. Then basically my appendix had burst. Im screaming. Im in the car just screaming, screaming. Jimmy sudden . Yeah. We get to the emergency ward, im screaming. But because its a small everyone in the emergency ward was at the gig the night before. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, really . Right . Im, ooohhh theyre like, hey, jim, that was a really great show last night. Can i have a photo . Aahhh im the only person in canada who has to pay for medicine because im from australia. Can you fill out a form . Ooh, there you go. Eventually im screaming so much, they send someone to give me a painkiller in my arm. They go, we think your appendix has burst. The people we let through first are either haeart or head. If your hearts exploding, you walk straight through. If your head is gushing or having a stroke, they walk you straight through. The lady says, appendixes take 48 hours to die so youve got awhile. I sat there. I kept on screaming. I was in a lot of pain. One bloke, i think his name was dean, they said, dean, youre next to come in. He goes, i think jims in more pain. Canadians, am i right . Jimmy god bless dean, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that would not happen here. Yeah, canadians americans would be like, sucks to be you, bro. I go straight through. Laying down. The doctor comes in, oh, i enjoyed the show. Thank you so much. Everyone was at the gig, very nice, kingston. She goes, it looks like your appendix is burst, so i have to send you for mri but were going to give you a shot of morphine. They gave me a shot of morphine. By the way mwah [ laughter and applause ] all these years ive been knocking smack addicts. I can understand that life choice completely. Jimmy really . What a wonderful drug morphine is. Jimmy how quickly did it work . Oh like that. Jimmy really . It was inject ed still in a lot of pain, more pain than i could handle. They took me for mri, made me lay in the thing, put me through the machine. They come out and the doctor says now im like she goes, your appendix hasnt burst. Now im thinking, oh, no, im a hypochondriac and i just had a leg poo and thats going to be embarrassing because dean was meant to go before me. Jimmy hes going to be furious. He goes, you dont have a burst appendix but you do have a sixmillimeter kidney stone that has just left your kidneys and is passing down to your bladder. To put that in context for americans thats like a fifth of an inch. If it gets to 7 millimeters, they have to cut it out of you, its surgical. This is the biggest kidney stone a person can follow. She went, youre in immense pain, give him two more shots of morphine. Bang, bang now im like, screw the kidney stone, this is where i live. Right . Bonus im just trying there going, the kidney stone is the best thing to ever happen to me, right . [ laughter ] the doctor came up and she said, ive had four children and two kidney stones, and the kidney stones were smaller than yours, and the kidney stones were worse than childbirth. My wife doesnt like this bit of the story. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah. Youre not allowed to say, i did something worse than childbirth. Jimmy no way, yeah. Anyway, so they give me two more shots of morphine, im completely wasted. The doctor was telling my opening act, my mate, like what they had to do and all that because im passed out. The only bit i woke up to a phone call. I had to get to ottawa. The show was in three hours. Its a twohour drive away. Im still passed out on morphine. Jimmy youre considering doing this show still . Well, i wasnt. I i wake up to the doctor on the phone to my manager, right . Who might as well be called colonel parker, right . You know that bit with elvis at the beginning of the movie where it doesnt matter what youre going to do but that kids got to get back on that stage . And the doctors on the phone like this. I can give him some drugs that will help him stand up. Right . And theyre like so they pump me full of something. Im on morphine, but im back up, right . Then i start they go, its going to take awhile to pass through. So the kidney to the bladder, the cable that goes from there to there is onefifth the size of the urethra. Am i saying that word the penis hole. [ laughter ] yes, that hole. Its onefifth the size. Its like a bit of thread. Thats the most painful bit is the kidney to the bladder, right . So its traveling down. And she goes, well give you enough painkillers that it will get down to the bladder. I dont remember the show, right . I was a sweaty, horrible mess. Ive read the reviews of people who commented on the shows. My shows only about an hour and a half long. Turns out i did 2 1 2 hours. Jimmy you dont have any memory . I have no memory of the show. People liked it. [ laughter ] im not going to say it was the best one. Jimmy wow. Okay . Jimmy thats crazy. And everyone the next day was writing me on social media like, good luck with your flight home, jim the canadians, theyre lovely folk. [ laughter ] this is one of the this is the only time ive been really happy to have a small penis. [ laughter ] i couldnt have been more thankful. That i didnt have a whopper on me. I was like, thank you. Jimmy yeah. I rang up my dad and said, thanks, dad. [ laughter ] [ applause ] so it starts working its way down. I arrive home. I didnt know this, but my motherinlaw from england had come to visit. What a joy. Jimmy oh, great. Just a little bit of i had to open the door, good to see you. Then i went upstairs and screamed for a while. Then i rang my wife up downstairs and i said, get me a bucket, i cant keep going to the toilet, i have to get a bucket. She got me my sons halloween bucket. [ laughter ] you know, pumpkin, like a plastic pumpkin with a black strap on it. And im not buying him a new one for this year. Its perfectly good. It can go through the machine with all the other stuff ive pissed on. Anyway. So i put the halloween bucket i put the halloween bucket next to the bed, and im just sitting there and im like, i cant do it, i cant do it, i cant do it. I start ringing up the doctor who is helping me out. And get on the phone, a very nice doctor. And he was talking me through it like i was having birth at home. Like he started going, just breathe, breathe with me, breathe with me. I said, i have to go to the emergency room, its never coming out. He goes, youre going to be fine, is it moving along . No, its stopped moving. You can see it. Its stopped moving halfway. Its stopped, its not going anywhere. Then i pushed, then it came out and it hit the side of the pumpkin bucket, ping [ laughter ] ping straight into the bucket of piss. I reach in and grabbed it like i was getting a lobster for a restaurant tank. And i pulled it out. I just went, ive done it [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and there it is. There it is, wow. Make a necklace out of this or something, a ring. Thats its smoother than youd think. It was when he turned sideways. When he was that way like a ufo, he was a pleasure to have. Jimmy hes very cute. It looks like an asteroid or something. I wanted to bring the actual rock in to show you. Because i know jimmy oh, yeah, where is it . I cant well, the doctor came over. I kept it for a week. The doctor came over about four, five days ago to take it in for autopsy. First things first. Biopsy . Jimmy biopsy, yeah. Im sorry. [ laughter ] oh, this whole storys fallen to bits now. Anyways. So going to take it in to biopsy, right . Take it in for that. The doctor said the first concern is theyre not meant to be that color, right . That colors too dark. But it turns out that my kidney stone is bloodstained from all the blood. Not the funniest bit of the story. [ laughter ] jimmy no, thats a literally, it adds a bit of color. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im glad youre all right. Jim is literally risking his life to come visit you in your city. You can see him live october 20th and 21st at the Chicago Theater on the give em what they want tour. Get tickets at jimjefferies. Com. Thank you very much, jim. [ cheers and applause ] well be back with myke towers. We made it bmo has arrived. Hello . You said it. Hello to more ways to save money, grow your wealth, grow your business. Just what we needed, another big bank. Not so fast. How many banks do you know that reward you for saving every month . Hes got a good point. Did i mention bmo has more feefree atms than the two largest us banks combined . Uh, bmo . Just beemo, actually. Quick question, will all this stuff fit in your car . should i get rid of the mug . Bmo jimmy thanks to simu liu and Jim Jefferies. Apologies to matt damon. Nightline is next, but first, his album is called la vida es una. Here with the song, la la, myke towers [ cheers and applause ] [ singing in a nonenglish language ] [ singing in a nonenglish language ] [ singing in a nonenglish language ] [ singing in a nonenglish language ] [ singing in a nonenglish language ] [ singing in a nonenglish language ] [ singing in a nonenglish language ] gracias puerto rico jimmy kimmel myke towers yeah [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. Juju tonight, a horrific day of bloodshed in the israel hamas war. Hundreds killed after a catastrophic blast at a hospital in gaza city