Its tough to host jimmys show because im really his best guest. In the end, who really suffers . You, the american people, right, guillermo . There he is. Guillermo thats right david thats it . Hey, by the way, whats going on in that room . A little bleak there, you got a couch and a plant. Is that a house or a crate and barrel that went out of business . Guillermo look, its my meditation room. You know . David thats nice, im glad youre meditating. I know youre working up to 45 seconds a day on this. All right, thank you, guillermo, its good to see you. Guillermo can you add me on your instagram, mr. Spade, please . David you know what, ill see if i can. I dont know if im allowed to. I got to go. Its good to see you, buddy. By the way, speaking of instagram, i got a lot of flak last night. I posted a beautiful picture of myself in the greenroom here, some call selfies stupid, i know, but everyone was saying i over photo shopped it, and its horrible filters, which is a total lie. I had someone else do it. I just did a tiny bit, because my face was sunburned. I go, make it not so sunburned. This is what i posted. This isnt a joke. This is what i posted. I know, thirsty, but whatever. And heres what it looked like before. Its not that different. Its the same. And ive seen worse, listen, ive seen that Kardashian Family tree and every one of those pictures. Theres some shenanigans going on there, then Whitney Cummings has the balls to chirp in about my wardrobe. This is what she says. Burn the shirt. A black shirt, thats terrifying you . I googled you, whitney, this is the first thing that came up. Im sorry. I have a plain black shirt on. Harmless. You have season four of yellow stone printed on your jumper. More on her later. Im obligated to tell jokes. I want to make sure i get my scale. Lets get to it. Florida police say a woman pummeled her father due to his repeated flatulence. The dad said he was testing her sense of smell to make sure she didnt have covid. I buy it. I think hes being nice. Beyonce dropped a music video for brown skin girl, featuring her daughter blue ivy. This is a tough way to find out i didnt get the part. Im not auditioning for her anymore. Its always going to blue ivy. A report says the top tik tok stars make as much as 5 million a year. Kim kardashian said, i cant believe i could have done a dance video instead of the other video i did and become a millionaire. And its been announced olivia wilde will direct a video about spider woman, and im not even going to finish this joke. I saw a spider yesterday. Im just going to tell that part. I saw a spider coming out of my house. We can cut this later. But i was going out of my house, and of course it made this huge web across my whole door, so i walk out, and was, like, boowww. You know how you go into a web and it throws you back because its so strong. But this spiders right there in my face going, whats up . But its obviously poisonous, i freak up. I mess up the web, not cool. I want to live, so the next day i go out, but im a little scared, because im a puss. In real life, i come across as a toughguy, hardass athlete. But in real life, im little built of a puss. I dont want to get a spider biting me and me dying. I dont see it, and then it drops in the picture from the top, like crews in michigan like, wooo. So freak out again, run in, get the raid, come back, but i give him a little puff, just a little, like perfume, and then hes all tucked going like this, but i can see its getting to him. Hes going like that, then he freaks out. He goes up and down the web and starts spewing webs out of his butt. Like uncontrollable webbing. And im like, and then its not funny, though. But i think he was bumming out. But then i said, i got to end this. So i go pshhhh. And hes like, guy, im dead, you dont have to blow the whole bottle on me. Im soaking in a thousand times body weight in poison. You think im going to pull out of this . You have a little on your finger, youre about to black out, what are you, 140 . I know its hard to believe by looking at me we can snip that. I have a lot of friends. Articles are even written. Clickbait articles are written about the subject. Someone sent me this one the other day, 15 celebs david spade is surprisingly friends with. Im david spade. I like surprises. So i checked it out. When you read it, you find out, either the author of the article has no idea who i am or no idea what the word surprisingly means. Number 15 is adam sandler. Weve been in 7,000 movies and done a tv show together. If you google david spade plus adam sandler, 1. 9 million results. Then number 12, chris farley. This is welldocumented. The only reason youve ever heard of me is because i was friends with chris farley. Moving on to number 11 is chris rock. Saturday night live, grownups, grownups 2. 500 dinners. I feel like this whole article is a wasted opportunity. I do have some friendships that are truly surprising. Kim jong un. Turns out, hes a huge tommy boy fan. He kidnapped me, brought me over for a monthlong birthday parade and weve been friends ever since. Sometimes we start laughing. We dont even know why. Thats him on horseback riding on sacred mt. Pikachu. I think thats the one. I cant see. Then mike lindell, the my pillow guy. I was his crack dealer for a little while. As a kid, i was buddies with fidel castro. I was a pretty heavy cigar smoker and super communist back then. I went through that phase. This one might really surprise you. I was tight with a guy who murdered my wife. We hit it off at the trial. Most people dont remember i was married. Thats because he killed her on the wedding day, but anyway, all water under the bridge. People are always curious about me. Im fascinating. I even did this thing for google recently, where i answered some of my most commonlyasked questions to set the record straight. Lets look at it. Why wont david spades mustache grow in. Thanks for asking. When i was 19, i took my girlfriends Birth Control accidently. I thought it was a oneaday vitamin, and now i cant grow a mustache, and i cant have a baby. Thanks for bringing up a sore sub. When was the last time david spade [ bleep ]ed his pants . I cant believe one person on google asked that. Let alone a majority to get to the top of the questions. Im not a real pant [ bleep ]er, but i have a friend who said dude, i [ bleep ]ed my pants last week, and i havent [ bleep ]ed my pants in a while. So thats at least twice. Yeah, once a month. I go, somethings wrong, dude. Youre not supposed to constantly [ bleep ] your pants over the age of 2. Hes like, all the time, dude. Whats david spades next movie . I dont know, you never know. Its whatever sandler turns down. So i just dont know. Why is david spade famous . I was in a rock group called hanson in high school. Maybe youve heard of it, mm bop, mm bop boop bebop. Exactly. Yes, vader. We have a great show. Music from the Avett Brothers. Well be right back with my friend lauren lapkus. Whoo good mormore treatment . Were going to try Something Different today. Hi awwww, so pretty. Dogs bring out the good in us. Pedigree® brings out the good in them. I like big jeans. Ittybitty jeans. Feelin trendy yall, with the straight jeans showin off those curves, cause you the queen everyone go slay in your Old Navy Jeans welcome to denim america. With fits for the whole fam. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com cheddar, jalapeno and sour cream onion the spicy nacho stack. I wish i could stack pringles but i dont have hands or a mouth to. Cool, play my dance playlist. Theres a flavor stack for everyone. Sort of. Hi jen hi. So youre the scientist here. Does my aveeno® daily moisturizer really make my dry skin healthier in one day . Its true jen. Really . this prebiotic oat formula moisturizes to help prevent dry skin. Impressive aveeno® healthy. Its our nature. My psoriasis. Cosentyx works on all of this. Cosentyx treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis to help you look and feel better. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Watch me learn more at cosentyx. Com. Im going to need you to. Never mind. You cant touch this. Help cant touch this. You cant touch this. Cheetos popcorn. peter walsh people came and they met and they felt comfortable. Its what we did with coogans. You felt safe and, if you were safe, you could be joyful. Everybody has a coogans. And almost half those small businesses, they could close if people dont do something. We have to keep our communities together. Thats how we get through this. Everybody felt fine. But now im super sick. Everyone is sick. I just wish we had been more careful. It would have been easier than this. So wear a mask. Do what you can outside. Stay six feet apart. Because some things you just cant take back. Do your part to lower the risk. If i could, baby id how can i, when you wont take it from me you can go your own way go your own way your wireless. Your rules. Only with xfinity mobile. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you david hey, guys, welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live. Im david spade. Their album, the third gleam is coming out friday. Music from the Avett Brothers is coming up. And she contractually had to make out with me in the wrong missy. Now you can listen to her on her new podcast, Second Season of newcomers. Please welcome lauren lapkus. Hi. Hi. David isnt that a sweet intro . That was great. David that movie, the wrong missy. They said 59 Million People saw it in the first four weeks. Isnt that ridiculous . I dont know whos more shocked, me, you or the american people. It was great. So they all saw you simulate a [ bleep ] me. Now that movie, they were pretty tough on you, you were such a good sport, but what are some of the things you had to do to people who havent seen . Oh, my gosh, i had to get fish guts thrown in my face. David yes. I had to throw up like cold soup over the side of a boat. David sickening. I had to go in a spinning machine and go head over feet to get my facial reactions. For when the stunt double fell over the side of a cliff. I had to dunk my head under water in a tub a hundred times. David yeah. I remember a lot of things. David you had to do scenes with rob schnyder. That made me sick. Was there something they made you do that you didnt want to do . Or refused to do . You did pretty much everything. I think i did everything except there was one moment where they wanted my to jump off the dock into the ocean and swim towards the boat. Im not a good swimmer, so it would have been really deadly possibly. David i saw you hustling down the dock a million takes. I didnt know if you jumped. Every day was worse and worse for you. And i was like, i have so many complaints about the movie, and youre like, youre doing nothing, literally nothing. You had one day. You had the day where you had to be a mermaid. That was hard for you. David oh, yeah. That did bother me. There were a lot of things, but enough about missy. That was a great time. They told me you collect miniatures. You didnt tell me that on the set. I didnt bring that up, i didnt get a chance, but i do have my collection right here behind my. David thats why you like me . Because im miniature . I have one i think you would like. This is the mini eggplant. Can you see it . David i use that emoji three times a day. Then very these little guys i collect who are really special. Funny angel dolls is what theyre called. They all have different heads, i dont know if you can see. David so you saw these one time and you bought one and you keep buying them. These my husband and i saw in a little store in japan and we thought they were one in a million thing. And we started seeing them everywhere we went. We made up a rule that you can only buy them if you come across them in the wild. Like you come across them in a store. But i went wild and started buying them online during quarantine. David whats your favorite one . This ones special because its big. David it doesnt even fit in there. Is that pikachu . I dont know what that is. I said it in the monologue and said it wrong again. You do a few podcasts. I did one with you, but the one right now is called newcomers, right . I do a podcast with nicole byer, and she nailed it on netflix, that baking show. The first time we watched star wars for the first time, we had never seen it. Now for the Second Season were watching lord of the rings. And every single thing weve had to watch is at least three hours long, and its really hard. David especially women and youre older and youre not a kid watching star wars. Yeah, im an older woman. David no, youre older than 11. When you see that, its horrible, well take that out. No, leave it in david everyone has some big movie everyone talks about that you dont want to say youve never seen it. Youve never seen lion king . Im very educated. I think its hard to astar wars your entire life. David youve seen the old ones and the new ones and the new old ones. Ive seen the cartoons, the holiday special that george lucas tried to erase, the ewok specials. Ive seen everything. David lord of the rings is the one youre doing now. Yes, were watching all those movies, and theyre all three to four hours long. The biggest complaint is that were not watching the extended cuts, and theyre like, you have to see the fourth hour david i didnt see lord of the rings, and i followed that easier than i followed star wars. Yeah, it is easier. Its clear. Theres like wizards and trolls, theres not as much to keep up with. David do you know what youre going to do next . Or you dont know . Weve had some ideas, but i think were going to get pushed into doing some other sort of thing like this that weve avoided, like some sort of fantasy thing. Theres such a fandom, i think thats why they want us to keep going with this stuff. Because the people who love these movies. David oh, they get into it. Theyre obsessed, yeah. David theyre called newcomers. And thats lauren lapkus. I want to thank you for doing missy with me. That was the best. David well be back with the Avett Brothers. Ill see you soon. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedes benz, the live Concert Series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. N engineer. And im part ofeam building. A powerful 5g experience for america. Its 5g ultra wideband, and its already available in parts of select cities. Like los angeles. And in new york city. And its rolling out in cities around the country. With massive capacity. Its like an eightlane highway compared to a twolane dirt road. 25x faster than todays 4g networks. In fact, its the fastest 5g in the world. From the network more people rely on. This is 5g built right. Only on verizon. Tonight, try pure zzzs all night. Unlike other sleep aids, our extended release melatonin helps you sleep longer. And longer. Zzzquil pure zzzs all night. Fall asleep. Stay asleep. Top down, the city riding with me been through the storm and the gritty do it for the mom and pop on every block new day, sunshine on every block windows open, im yelling unity sidebyside with my community celebrate, lets have a jubilee its bigger than you and me theyve been there for us lets be there for them theyve been there for us you either love it or you really love it. And introducing a new way to love ranch tangy restaurant inspired secret sauces. Geduring kohls Labor Day Weekend sale . And introducing a new way to love ranch take 10 off when you spend 25 or more plus, take an extra 20 off when you shop online monday only plus, get 5 kohls cash for every 25 spent plus, free store pickup. Shop kohls and kohls. Com. To put on me about having hiv isnt gonna fit. Thats for sure. My name is zach and im on biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment. Used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure but with one small. Pill, biktarvy fights hiv. To help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding. Or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv. Keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Keep loving who you are. Hi. Whats on your mind . In. Can you help keep these guys protected online . Easy. Connect to the xfi gateway. What about wireless data options for the family . You can customize and save. What about internet speeds that can keep up with my gaming . Lets hook you up with the Fastest Internet from xfinity. And now with our stores reopening, were putting Healthy Practices in place. Come visit a store today. Stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Ask. Shop. Discover at your local xfinity store today. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. David welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live, im david spade. You can get their new album the third gleam starting this friday. Here with the song victory, the Avett Brothers. One, two, three, four. Dont write cause i dont think i dont have a need to speak i dont see the bright side quite as clear accolades and happy days they dont ever last stories of courage clouded up with fear in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me from victory i tried to match eternal light with how i live my life of course i was forced to retreat from victory i accept defeat waxy green and yellow walls outside my window fall covering the light i thought id see am i sad or am i sick whats at the root of it do i throw my hands and quit something tells me no worries on all sides of my mind in silence my darkness is denied in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me from victory i tried to match eternal light with how i live my life of course i was forced to retreat from victory i accept defeat from victory, i accept defeat cosentyx works on all of this. Cosentyx treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis to help you look and feel better. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Watch me learn more at cosentyx. Com. Only lexus asks questions like these, because we believe the most amazing machines are inspired by you. Experience the rewards of our curiosity. Which one of you ate all of the flamidad we wont be mad. . We just want to know the truth. Are we really doing this, glenn . I bet we were robbed. Its a cheetos thing. Mom glenn, come on. How did this get here . David thats all the time we have tonight. No id like that thank lauren lapkus, the Avett Brothers and the shows absentee father, jimmy kimmel. Jason derulo will host tomorrow with guest luke bryant. Hey, nightlines next goodnight tonight, lovers torn apart by the pandemic. An expectant mother going in to labor alone. Her foreign fiance stranded overseas. I would have loved to be there are and just hold her hand and talk her through it and give her encouragement. Travel restrictions forcing the expect ant dad to watch and wait. Im praying that sean can get here and we can be a family. Plus, Long Distance longing. Couples half a world away, taking extreme measures to reunite. You dont know when you will see your partner next after not seeing them in five months. I think you would be ready to do a lot of things you would not do otherwise. This is a special edition of nightline. Love, under lockdown. Good evening, thanks for in