So he asked me to host. I brought food. I didnt get one large platter with people picking up cheese and meats like theyre in the game operation. I adjust to the times. I made individual pandemic platters. For the crew. Enjoy that. Really the only place i go besides my house right now is to the supermarket and its a nightmare. I didnt think Grocery Shopping could become an even bigger pain in the ass, but it has. Ive got nothing but love for the workers. They are putting their lives on the line so we can buy mints to not smell our own mask mouth. But its the shoppers that bother me. They dont understand that we need to treat a trip to the Grocery Store like a bank heist. Get in, get out. There is no time to ask the butcher is this lamb chop from new zealand or montana. Lady, its lamb. Youre lucky the delivery guy doesnt have the virus. And dont bother checking expiration dates. It aint gonna kill you. You know what is, the guy sneezing on the plums and this one guy had a face shield mask down to his nipples. How much spit is coming out of your mouth this guy needed windshield wipers on the inside i go the checkout, they got a hockey glass between me and the cashier now. No one can hear anything. Thats all i hear is. [ muffled ] what . The other place people are exhibiting unacceptable behavior right now is on zoom meetings. This is where you use the most advanced teleconference technology in the world to show your coworkers how truly disgusting you are. First off, you shouldnt be eating on zoom. You got 23 hours a day to eat your home made banana bread, at least dip off to the side. Its bad enough you didnt take a shower and are wearing an unbuttoned tommy bahama shirt. Now, i have to look at crumbs swimming in your chest hair with your unmade bed in the background. And enough with the groom and zoom. Franks sales report is terrible enough. We dont need to hear a clickclick and then see a stray toenail fly into the camera from the square of goatee guy 69. And dont hold your pet up to the camera. Im an adult. I know what a cat looks like. Your eight cats arent cute. Theyre a cry for help. Then you have the parent who mutes themselves while disciplining their kids. So all you see is. Oh, yeah, im sorry. Our sales are down 3000 this week. And lastly, when the meeting ends, just get off. No need to wave, no air kisses, no lingering small talk about netflix true crime documentaries. Im so eager to leave i dont even bother to hit the leave meeting button. I just shut the lid of the laptop with the speed and force of a teenager who got caught watching porn. As we all know these are trying times and many people are in desperate need of guidance. So i decided i would recruit the best nonlicensed therapist i know, my threeyearold daughter, serafina, and have her help answer some email from viewers like you. Mario b from brooklyn asks, what tv show do you think is good for a date flight . Paw patrol. Paw patrol. Paw patrol. Who do you like better, mommy or daddy . Mommy and daddy. Mommy and daddy, very good, very good. I told you to say daddy, but. Darnell from las vegas asks, i just won 1 million, what should i buy with it . What should he get with all his money . Candy what else . Quesadilla. Quesadilla. What else . Vinegar. Vinegar. Popsicles. Scissors. Fish. Pasta. Cookies legos. What else . Cameras. A big house. Vinegar. Vinegar again. Vinegar. Vinegar three times. My wife and i want to have a baby. How do we get one . Now do you get a baby . How do you get a baby . With money. With money . Where . Amazon. There you have it, people with a lot of money, go to amazon and search babies, and apparently, one will be delivered within 48 hours. From nebraska, what should i buy with my 1200 stimulus check . Wine. Wine . Yeah. Rob is asking, how do i ask my boss for more money . What should he do . More moolah. Just go in there and go, more moolah, or im walking . Yeah. Im walking. Youre walking off the set. Shes got a short attention span. Weve got a great show for you tonight. J. J. Watt is here. And well be right back with kelly ripa and Ryan Seacrest. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by consumer cellular. Use yogurt or milk to soothe your skin or you could use schick hydro silk with hypoallergenic serum for the smooth shave we all deserve. Schick hydro silk for the smooth shave w scratch that, baby, im grateful. Gotta say, its really been a while. But now i got back that smile. Smile check everything off the list with supplies from 50¢. Get ready for school at target. You cant claim that because its inanimate people ask me what sort of a person should become a celebrity accountant. And, i tell them, nobody should. Hey, buddy. Whats the damage . I bought it the waterfall . Nope a new volkswagen. A volkswagen . I think were having a breakthrough here welcome to caesars palace. Thank you. Scratch that, baby, im grateful. Got to say its really been a while but now i got back that smile. Smile. Check everything off the list with lower prices and hundreds of deals. Get ready for school at target. Its about the next 10 years. But this is something you can do today. You can make a difference today. By completing the 2020 census. The census impacts hospitals. Schools. Public transportation. And most importantly, our representation in government. It gives us an opportunity to be heard. Its easy. Its only 10 questions. So do you part. Go to 2020census. Gov and complete the census today. What are you waiting for . Welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live im sebastian maniscalco. In a little bit ill be talking with nfl star j. J. Watt. And tomorrow night i will be here once again with Alex Rodriguez and the Jimmy Kimmel Live healthcare hero of the week. Like wheat chex and bourbon, my first guests tonight are the perfect weekday morning combo. Together they serve as executive producers and hosts of live wi it as moayhr fday in syndication. Please welcome kelly ripa and Ryan Seacrest. Thank you for being on the show. Ive known you had me on your show, its nice to be on the other side of the glass. Is it really . Sebastian, i got to tell you, you, you are, you are so elegant at night. Yeah. This is an evening sebastian maniscalco. The last time we saw him he was in a bookstore. I think you were in a barnes noble the last time we saw you. Sebastian that happened to be my home. But i want to start the interview, and this is my first time interviewing people, and i get two at once. I want to go with ryan, because i know if we go with kelly first were not going to hear from ryan. [ laughter ] how fast you figured that out. Give me my one question and well go on. Sebastian we all know youve got tons of jobs and what have you. Im waking up at 6 00 a. M. In the morning because i got two kids. What time are you getting up, number one. And number two, what are you taking to stay up . I need a nap at noon. Are you on some special seacrest juice . Im going to give you the whole routine, and ill tell you about the juice. So 4 30 is when the alarm goes off, but at 1 30, 2 30, 3 30, i wake up thinking its not going to go off, so thats the schedule overnight. Then it starts with a tea and two very strong coffees with nothing in it, then i arrive, and kellys seen different the fluids, macha, hibiscus, all kinds of things i sip on during the show, but not bourbon. So you basically drink everything i make fun of. Yes, thats right. And for dinner, its a green juice. Sebastian wow, thats impressive. Im impressed. I so wantokelly. Kelly, are you wakin up at 4 00 a. M. . Whats the schedule now with your family . Im very codependent, so i wake up when ryan wakes up. Since he has to wake up at 4 30 to do the show, hes on east coast time, but hes living on west coast. But i wake up at 4 30 so i can suffer with him because i am codependent. And i cant have him suffering alone. But i eat solid food, i am not on an all liquid diet. Im on an allcarbohydrate diet. Thats whats changed during the pandemic. Sebastian you both look fantastic. I do watch your show, i do notice you have some problems sometimes with internet at your house. Yeah. Yeah. Sebastian and then you have to go elsewhere. Whats going on with the internet . Are you still up on a dialup . Kelly has gone down the whole block. Im back down to three Adult Children. We did have five Adult Children living in the house. And some of them have jobs and some of them are still in school. So when im working theyre also working. But i keep telling them, whoever works on cameras job is the most important job. So please stay off the internet from 9 00 until at least 11 30. Sebastian listen, i think youre acting like the internet acts like the water works in your house where you flush the toilet and you lose power in the shower. I dont think thats really the case. Our house is so poorly constructed that when i flush the toilet, the television flickers, and im not kidding. Sebastian well, listen, we all miss you in the actual studio. Is there going to be a day when youre reunited from new york or are we doing this at home until 2028 . We started this in march, and one of the things we like most is the interaction we get to have. We have plenty of conversations before the show, and on the show. And as of now theyre selling us september . September. Early september is what theyre telling us. Im not coming back if i have to wear pants or bottoms of any kind. I like this from the waist up thing that were doing. So i think we should build a studio where you cant see what were wearing from the waist down. Thats the only way im coming back. Sebastian i think a lot of people are looking forward to your return to tv. Im so grateful you took time out of your busy schedule to be here with me on Jimmy Kimmel Live. We love you. Thanks for having us. You look like a hollywood star. Sebastian youre so sweet. Kelly, ill see new a few hours. Okay, honey. Whoops sebastian well be back with j. J. Watt. Always wanted to do that. Red, blue, 16 percent undecided. Here we are a nation divided. But 2020 had us shook. So we gave the world another look. And saw a future of differences celebrated. Every voice heard and advocated. Where everyone can show their pride. cause love should never have to hide. Theres a world of possibility that cant exist with you versus me. It will take work, thats indisputable. But oh man it could be beautiful. This world where we are we. right now, switch to tmobile and get four lines of unlimited for just 25 bucks a line. With access to americas largest 5g included. Thats right. Unlimited and nationwide 5g for the whole family for just 25 bucks a line. Only at tmobile. Thank you to everyone who worked together over the last few months to help each other out. Like our fans who colored this commercial while staying safe at home. Beautiful. Isnt it, red . I mean pink. I mean teal. I mean whatever is going on there. Whether its bribes. Or an overdue makeover. Get all your pet essentials right when you need them, with Curbside Pickup at petsmart. Just order online, drive up, checkin, and pick up. Want restand schools . Pen . Want the economy to get back on track . Youre not alone. And you can help make it happen. Stay 6 feet apart. Wash your hands. Wear a mask every time you leave your home. Choose to join the fight against covid19. Do your part. Slow the spread. Welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live im jimmys stunt double, sebastian maniscalco. Our next guest is one of the most feared men in the National Football league, but it turns out, his true passion is tag. Watch him and his brothers on ultimate tag, wednesday nights on fox. From the houston texans, please welcome threetime nfl defensive player of the year, 99, j. J. Watt. Welcome to the show, my man. Thank you for being here. I want to just get right into it. I notice you got a beard, and i want to know, is this a new look . Or is this some type of im not shavin till coronas over . Ive had a beard for a while. Maybe it hasnt been this pronounced. I got more hair than ive had. I let hair grow during corona, thats for sure. But, no, i mean, i sebastian did you, im sorry, but did you just stretch your chest out on national tv . I mean, listen, you are sittin there with a perfect tan. You got a nice suit. Youre lookin like youre going to go get a bottle of prosecco and head down to the restaurant. Im here in a gray tee shirt, i didnt realize we were going all out with our outfits. Sebastian thats right. This is national tv, you look like you just got out of the gym. I did, i did. Have you hit the gym during quarantine . Sebastian absolutely not. I got the quarantine 15. Im just hoping a button doesnt pop off. Youre playing your brothers, week three, texans against steelers. Your brother is a fullback, right . Right. Sebastian he gets the ball. He goes up the gut. Do you kind of lean back when he comes in . Or do you rip his head off like you would any other Football Player . I try to knock his helmet off into my parents lap in the 75th row. No mercy. Sebastian its just football, football supersedes family. I dont know if were allowed to shake hands after the game, but ill go shake his hand after the game. But last year we played him on the chargers, and i was pass rushing on the edge and he chipped me in the rib cage. He didnt have any sympathy for me whatsoever. Sebastian i like that. You know what else i like about you . We are friends for now, what, seven years . Lana and i came to houston, were you gracious enough to open up your home and let us stay there over the weekend. Now what i found, and i havent seen this in anybody else that i stayed at their house, you had monogrammed robes and towels made for lana and i, and im wondering, do you do that to every guest that stays, or was that a oneoff . You staying at my house was a oneoff. I dont have guests. I dont like people in my house. But i knew that you were coming. I know youre a classy gentleman. Youre used to staying at high, nice places. Lanas a beautiful woman. We need to have you guys feel comfortable. So i went, got the customized robes, got the customized towels, and i was like, this might become my new thing. And then i realized how much work it is, and i said, instead of doing this every time, im never having people over again. Sebastian when you come to los angeles, im hosting you, but i dont know if i can find a robe big enough to fit you. Are you Walking Around the house at night in a robe and slippers . I dont know. I toss shorts on. You toss basketball shorts on and walk around. Sebastian youre not a kid. Youre athlete and a man, and im Walking Around like andy garcia, in godfather iii, in velvet, sipping on a glass of wine. But that looks cool as hell sebastian it does, especially if you have a hairy chest. It really adds to the flavor of a robe. Now i want to ask you, your wife is a soccer star, are you a football star, do you guys critique each other game . Lou does it work at a double athletes home . How would it work if you critiqued your wife after she painted something . Sebastian ive been married for seven years, so we critique each other on how we eat. We critique everybody else on the field i dont critique her. We just got married. I dont have the builtup equity to be telling her what shes doing wrong on the field. Sebastian i give it three or four year, and then you say, you should have slid when you get the ball, just take everybody on. Im sick of you passing it. Just take it to the goal. She didnt think it was good advice. Sebastian see, its starting already, bro. I am so glad you j the show. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule. We hopefully will have you as a guest at our house and you will be wearing a robe shortly. Thank you for being with us. Thank you, i cant wait. Sebastian j. J. Watt, everybody, well be right back. door bell rings its open hey. This is amazing. With moderate to severe ulcerative colitis, are you okay . Even when i was there, i never knew when my symptoms would keep us apart. So i talked to my doctor about humira. I learned humira can help get, and keep uc under control when other medications havent worked well enough. And it helps people achieve control that lasts. So you can experience few or no symptoms. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Be there for you, and them. Ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, control is possible. However you go back, weve got your back. Good mormore treatment . Were going to try Something Different today. Hi awwww, so pretty. Dogs bring out the good in us. Pedigree® brings out the good in them. vo . Especially when your easilyg distracted teenager has the car. At subaru, were taking on distracted driving. With sensors that alert you when your eyes are off the road. The subaru forester. The safest forester ever. Sebastian thats all the time weve got. Id like to thank kelly ripa, Ryan Seacrest and jj watt. And jimmy kimmel. Ill be back tomorrow with Alex Rodriguez and our Health Care Worker of the week. Nightlines next, seacrest out this is nightline. Tonight, prescription for recovery. Doctor becomes patient. It was much worse than i ever imagined or dreamed. A personal battle with the vis. Now the hes breathing. The rehab, the reunion. Plus, going rogue. Our bob woodruff and his sun traveling the weird, wild and wonderful world, discovering stunning spots and a down to earth fatherson bond. Hey, look at my dads old goat. Whatd you pay . I got mine for