And there are also new rules for bullies. From now on, all wet willies must be dry darryls. I dont know. I was talking to my wife. My plan is to just pull my kids out of school altogether and hope they become reality tv stars. A lot of people are wondering which of the many changes weve made to our lives during this pandemic will carry over when things go back to normal. Like, will the Hometown Buffet still exist . Will children sit on santas lap . At christmas. Will we bob for apples . At halloween . Ive been thinking about all the things that might have to go, and i have to say, the one thing i hope this virus does kill, is the penny. Thats right, the penny. That little one cent coin that rattles around at the bottom of the cup holder of your nissan sentra. If were giving up shaking hands, and high fives, the penny has to go. Cash is like poison now. Handing someone a twentydollar bill is almost the same as licking them on the face. But at least a twentydollar bill is worth 20. A penny buys you nothing. Its a hundredth of a dollar. And they cost more to make than theyre even worth. The cost of minting a penny is 1. 7 cents. Basically, our government is manufacturing shiny little pieces of garbage. At a loss. And, by the way, while were at it, the nickel can go too. So im calling on the u. S. Government to give us a brighter future, something to look kill the penny. Kill the penny. Nix the nickel, and put the dime on notice while youre at it too. Dimes up. Meanwhile, this is what our pennycolored president is up to, while Racial Injustice tears this country apart. He is going to war with twitter. Earlier this week, twitter labeled one of trumps many lies, as potentially misleading. And linked it to news articles showing that it was misleading. He keeps claiming that vote by mail, even though he himself does it, will result in an avalanche of antitrump fraud. Its part of his multipronged looks like im gonna lose, so ill make every case i can to say i was cheated campaign. So today, he picked up his president ial sharpie and signed an executive order that would limit Legal Protection for social Media Companies. Today im signing an executive order to protect and uphold the free speech rights of the american people. Currently giants like twitter receive an unprecedented liable shield based on the fact that they are a neutral platform, which they are not. Not an editor with a viewpoint. My executive order calls for new regulations under section 230 of the Communications Decency act, to make it that social Media Companies that engage in censoring or any political conduct will not be able to keep their liability shield. Thats a big deal. Jimmy this is crazy. This would be like if he declared war on arbys because they said there were 500 calories in his curly fries. In a nutshell, the president is mad at an app on his phone, and is using the power of his office to retaliate. This is whats on the president s mind, as the death toll from the virus is over 100,000 and people are rioting in the streets. He told reporters today he will shut down twitter, if his attorneys can find a way, because theyre limiting his freedom of speech. Which is obviously insane. He is mr. Twitter. And by the way, if hes so mad at twitter, why doesnt he stop using it . He cant, because he loves it. He loves mashing those angry little thumbs. This is funny. Yesterday, trump retweeted a video from his pet frog lou dobbs. Who hilariously declared trump to be arguably the greatest president in our history . The video was posted mockingly, by a user named ndrewlawrence. Who, after trump retweeted it, change his screen name to trump is dumb, sloppy, and moist. So now thats on the president s timeline. Thats on arguably the greatest president in historys timeline. I dont know about moist, but i have noticed something very odd about donald trump, odder than usual even, and when i see him on tv now, i have a hard time thinking about anything else our president is lopsided. When he stands up straight, it isnt straight. Hes kind of offkilter. Look at this. Right . Hes bent. Here he is in a room. Here he is at a rally. With the gangsta lean. On the lawn, and he has the nerve to call hillary crooked. He looks like an upsidedown bowling pin, teetering on the edge of the gutter. Look at that. It would seem the bone spurs have finally spread throughout his whole body. You know, this has been a terrible week, and our government is terrible and the world is terrible, and i think we all need a boost. So, against the advice of doctors, i invited a friend to come to my house. This is a guy who can cheer anyone up and here he is now. Say hello to upbeat bobby. Bobby . Hey everybody. Upbeat bobby here. I heard youre feeling a little bit down. Maybe youd like to see a magic trick . I said maybe youd like to see a magic trick . I said maybe youd like to see a magic trick. Jimmy yes, do a trick okay. This is a penny, one of the ones jimmy wants to go. Watch very closely. So lets make it go. The penny is gone. Oh, too small to see . I happen to have a clementine in my butt. Hmm . Look what i found in your ear. Thank you everybody. Im headed upstairs to go jump on the bed. Jimmy see, i told you he was great. I feel better already. Weve got a weird show tonight. Were going to take a break, and when we come back, i am going to interview my neighbor Dakota Johnson over our fence. So stick around. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by medicare from blue cross and blue shield companies. Why the weight of the world is carried with a smile. And where the comfort thats so desperately sought, is found. This is whats worth protecting embracing. And ensuring for others, especially now. 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With descovy for prep. Get help paying for descovy for prep. Learn more at stepupprepup. Com jimmy hey, im in my back yard. Tomorrow sean penn will join us. My guest tonight is a bigtime Hollywood Star and a toprate neighbor. Her new movie, the high note, is available on vod starting friday. Joining us now from over the fence, Dakota Johnson. Hey, dakota oh, there she is. Oh, hey. Jimmy are you gardening . Yeah. Jimmy is that your gardening ensemble . Yeah, i was just about ready to wet my plants. Jimmy i think my daughter has that same outfit. No, i asked if i could borrow it. It fits her better than me. Jimmy whats going on over there . Is anything happening fun over there . Not exactly. Fun stuff is not happening over here. Jimmy fun stuff is not happening over here either. Is anything happening fun over here . Jimmy sometimes my son says penis, and thats the highlight of the day. Its the highlight of my day if anyone says penis in my house. Jimmy did you know you have cameras pointed at your house . Were socially distanced. Were at least 12 feet apart. Do you have food . Do you need anything . Do you need toilet paper or anything like that . Im okay at this moment, but if you have food already made for tonight, ill take it, because im hungry. Jimmy i actually made chicken legs, do you like chicken . Chicken legs . Sure. Jimmy yeah, drumsticks. Thats a different way to say it. Chicken legs. Its really like savage. Jimmy thats what it comes to over here. Well, when bush comes to shove. Jimmy of all the neighbors youve had in your life youre the best one. Jimmy am i the best one . Yeah. Jimmy thank you, appreciate that. Thats nice of you to say im trying to think, have i had bad neighbors . The ones on the other side jimmy when you were kids, didnt you live next to Hunter Thompson . He and my dad were best friends. He was like always at the house doing super normal stuff. Jimmy would you have conversations with Hunter Thompson . Yeah, and he would bring bizarre gifts like bird callers or goggles or like a fishing rod. Jimmy did you ever have bullets flying by the bounce house . Yeah, we did, not the bounce, because we didnt have a bounce house, but he used to come into the driveway at like 3 00 in the morning and shoot his gun off to let us know he was there. I mean, them, i was asleep. I was asleep. Jimmy so i am easily the best neighbor. Oh, your dogs over there. Yeah. Jimmy i started to get nervous. We put some stuff into this fence so he wouldnt go into your yard anymore. Jimmy hes welcome in the yard. The kids would be more than happy to that was so cute when you guys came over, when jane came over in her pajamas. Jimmy i was thinking about your grandmother, tippi hedren who still has big cats. Living at her house. Yeah. Jimmy when i saw that joe exotic. I would assume she does not approve of the joe exotic lifestyle. No. This is uncomfortable. It smells. It smells like feet. I think it came from a bizarro runway. Jimmy did you have that in your closet . Yes. Jimmy you did. You dont have any tigers at that house . In here . Theyre all inside right now. Jimmy have you ever had roommates . Have you ever had a situation where youve had to live with other people . Yes. Jimmy im not talking about a boyfriend. Im talking about a roommate. I lived with my first boyfriend out of high school. And one night his friend, he was like hes going to sleep on the couch. And then like seven months later, he was still sleeping on the couch. Jimmy thats a long nap. Thats a long journey. We had like a tiny apartment. I had no money, i was like 20 years old. He was 67, and thats not like a cool amount of space to take up in any couch but also in any room. Its so much space. And so every few weeks, id be like, tobias, are you going to jimmy say goodbyeas . And he always stayed. He stayed for a long time. Hes an amazing songwriter, actually. Jimmy oh, you keep in touch with him. Yeah. He now has his own amazing house. Jimmy you should go crash that place for seven months. I should. It should be when you guys have parties and dont invite me, ill go there and stay at his house. Jimmy so every night weve been highlighting a charity. And youve picked which Charity Tonight . The World Food Program. Jimmy the World Food Program. At wfp. Org. Ill be making a donation to World Food Program and other neighbors hopefully will make a donation. That would be cool. I feel bad that i said the other ones suck. It would be great that you made a donation. You dont suck today. Jimmy we did have some problems with the neighbors. I think thats smoothed over, right . Yeah, i had to rent a garage to put my truck in, which is absolute [ bleep ]. Jimmy they had your grandfathers truck towed and now youre renting a garage. And they never owned up to it. Do you remember that night . It was nuts. I lost my mind. Jimmy they did tell me it was them. They did . Did they say they saw the show . Jimmy yeah. Oh, my god many im going to have to stay in the house for a while. Jimmy if you get lonely come down to the fence. I will come down to the shrub for a chat. Jimmy high note on demand. Dakota johnson, my neighbor. Thank you, dakota, well be right back. Thank you dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by ogx, a chubby little bottle with the gold cap. Salonquality hair care at home, Available Online now. i came across sofi and it was the best decision of my life. Were getting a super competitive Interest Rate on our money. Were able to invest through the same exact platform. I got approved for a loan and it was a gamechanger. Truly sofi, thank you for helping me prepare for whatever the future has in store. When visible set out to create the future of phone service. We tossed the stuff that wasnt working. And kept the stuff that was working. Like verizons 4g lte network. Meet visible. Unlimited data, messages and minutes. Just 25 for your first month. Join us at visible. Com. Sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. I am totally blind. And non24 can make me show up too early. Or too late. Or make me feel like im not really there. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442342424. When visible set out to create the future of phone service. We tossed the stuff that wasnt working. And kept the stuff that was working. Like verizons 4g lte network. Meet visible. Unlimited data, messages and minutes. Just 25 for your first month. Join us at visible. Com. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. And before we go any further, id like to take a moment to talk to you about something thats very important to me. Maybe its something thats important to you. Ooh wow yeah, cant wait to hear what this is. I love your p. O. B. , jimmy. Jimmy molly . Its not molly. Its me, lentils. Jimmy lentils . Lentils from the kitchen lentils . Yeah, lentils from the kitchen lentils. Remember me . Jimmy oh, right. I forgot i put you in there. How have you been . Oh, im great. Im awesome jimmy. Im so, so good just in this cupboard. Actually i dont want to fight. I kinda just wanna know what happened . Because last we spoke i remember we were in the supermarket and you turned to your wife and you said lets get some lentils. That was years ago. Jimmy didnt i use you to make some kind of soup once . I used like a handful of you . Jimmy, can i speak for a second . In 2017, you looked at me, lifted me and put me right back on the shelf. That was the last time you even touched me. That was the last time i was even touched, do you know how hard that is . Jimmy i feel like youre reading too much into this. I feel like youre going a little bit overboard. Oh,. I love when a man tells me how i should be feeling and that i shouldnt trust my emotions. You know, jimmy . I hear what your kids call me. The girl said i taste like doo doo. Jimmy thats jane, and, yes. That was out of line. It was disgusting and reprehensible, and she should have been punished. But im not here to teach you how to parent. I moved with you. Why did you pay movers to pack a bag of lentils you dont even like . That is psychotic behavior. Thats insanity. And then not to eat me after that, its like, whoa. Jimmy i guess i just havent had an appetite for lentils. Wow. Okay. Wow, wow, wow, jimmy, wow. Jimmy i didnt mean it like that. I didnt mean to offend you. No, no, no, you said it, girlfriend. You heard it here, jimmy kimmel is too famous to eat lentils. Jimmy that is not true. I did not say that. I know, i know youre not used to hearing this, jimmy. I dont care that youre famous. You know what i care about . Treating others with kindness, yeah, that means something to me. Respect. I also like respect. Maybe some type of morality is cool. Jimmy what can i do to make it up to you . I feel like were going in circles here. Are you for real this time . You actually want to do this . Jimmy yeah, what can i do. Maybe just say i love you. And you are worthy of love. That would be a good start. Jimmy fine. I love you and you are worthy of love, lentils. Okay . Thank you. I dont know. I dont buy it. I feel like youre acting again. Jimmy well, im not acting, i mean it. How about tonight, i cook you up with some chicken broth . Throw an a little tomato in there. Honestly sorry, i just did not wanted to cry. I just waited so long. That would mean a lot to me. Jimmy i forgot, were having pizza tonight. Maybe next you dirty bitch. I knew youd double cross me. Jimmy well be right back. If letterman had bought me none of this would have happened. Letterman was a good host and a good man. Youre not, youre done, jumpy. Youre done, girlfriend. Youre done. Dicky this episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live from his house is brought to you by leftovers. Like what you had yesterday . Have it again. Leftovers, same food but colder. These are extraordinary times, and we want to thank the Extraordinary People in the healthcare community, working to care for all of us. At novartis, we promise to do our part. As always, were doing everything we can to help keep cosentyx accessible and affordable. If you have any questions at all, call us, email us, visit us online. Were here to help support you when you need us. Take care, and be well. To learn more, call one eight four four cosentyx or visit cosentyx. Com this moment right now. This is our commencement. No, well not get a diploma or a degree of any kind. But we are entering a new chapter in our lives. Our confidence is shaken; our hearts cracked. The kind of a crack that comes from the loss of a job; from life plans falling apart. We didnt ask for it. But we are rising to meet it. And how far weve come isnt even close to how far we can go. We just have to remember how patient we were. How strong we can be. how strong you can be. and remember this; theres a crack in everything for a reason. How else can the light get in . Tomorrow starts today. Tomorrow when visible set out to create the future of phone service. We tossed the stuff that wasnt working. And kept the stuff that was working. Like verizons 4g lte network. Meet visible. Unlimited data, messages and minutes. Just 25 for your first month. Join us at visible. Com. woman is there vo atural litter that actuallyat tidy cats,. Your wish. Is our latest littervention. New naturally strong, with odorabsorbing activated charcoal. 100 natural, 100 powerful. Theres a tidy cats for that jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. One of the many groups that has struggled over these insane ten weeks have been workers in the hospital industry, thats why the diagio has started a tips from home. Weve been asking bar tenders who are holed up at home to make drinks. And its time for tonights cocktail de la casa, featuring captain morgan original spiced rum. Hi guys. Today were going to make a drink called the stickup. Using the stick of an ice pop. Were going to start off with a hurricane glass and add twothirds ice, place the ice pop right into the glassware and follow these simple steps. Im adding one and a half ounces of captain morgan original spiced rum directly into my glass, measure out one ounce of pineapple juice, one ounce of orange juice, fill with lemon lime soda and stir with my ice pop. Here you have the stickup. Cheers, jimmy. Jimmy to learn more, go to givz. Com. Thats all the time we have. I want to thank Dakota Johnson, my neighbor and apologize to matt damon. We didnt have time for him and the bag of lentils. Sean penn will join us tomorrow night. Well see you tomorrow night, same fat time, same fat channel. Guillermo happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear pancheeto, happy birthday to you mayor breed announces new Mask Restrictions and phases for reopening. Including when you can return to the salon. New video of the officer involved shooting in hayward. What the chief says the suspect admitted. Starting june 1 he will not enforce the county Health Officers orders. That breaking news is a show down between the sheriff and the didnt Health Officer. He announced on facebook. I can no longer in good conscience continue to enforce the Public Health orders without explanation that criminalize lawful business and personal behavior. We spoke with the sheriff. What well do june 1 is start following the governors directive. He will advise hi deputies not to follow directives from the Health Officer like the past. Thats the decision i have made. In consultation with the constituents and other leaders in the area. We have learned the curb has been flattened significantly