Up by the 4th of july. The way itll work is everyone will rush to the beach on the 4th of july sweat all over each other and then, we will die. Which will be good for traffic on the 405. As of yesterday, pet groomers and trainers were allowed to open back up. Which seems weird given that they say pets can spread the virus to people and people can spread it to pets. Maybe we should start training our pets to groom us. One thing we might not have in l. A. Is the oscars. Word around town is that the academy awards, which are scheduled for february will not happen in february. Why they would cancel a show that is nine months away, i dont know. Seems to me like a pretty blatant attempt to keep sonic the hedgehog from winning best picture. I guess this is just the next logical step. The last two years they had no host now they have no show. Meanwhile on the other side of the reaction coin in galveston, texas. They went right ahead with their annual go topless jeep weekend. That event led to nearly 200 arrests and some delightful interviews, too. Thousands have flocked here to the peninsula to make the most of their time while out. Quarantine, i need to get out and party woo go topless jeep weekend. Whats better than a few drinks, beach and drinks. In full swing on bolivar peninsula. Beachgoers like Chelsea Collier are still taking precautions to stay safe. Wash them hands for 20 seconds jimmy you know the slogan dont mess with texas . Shes the mess. Maybe this will make you think twice about hitting the beach. You know how theyve been telling us to stay six feet apart . Well, that might not be enough apart. According to a new study when its windy, our saliva, can travel 18 feet in five seconds. Which seems slow, but its far. Its weird to think that over the past two months my spit has traveled farther than i have. So when that runner goes by you from across the street . If theres any wind, get down on the ground. Have you been watching the hydroxy Horror Picture Show . The president this week claimed he has been taking hydroxychloroquine to stave off the coronavirus. And of course his disciples are doing it, too trumpers who are wary of big pharma have started to make their own hydroxychloroquine at home. For real. And i have to say i like this idea. Thats good oldfashioned American Initiative boil up some homemade hydroxy what could possibly go wrong heres the thing. If youre dumb enough to think its a good idea to make your own hydroxychloroquine at home, youre probably not smart enough to make your own hydroxychloroquine at home. Most people cant even make a lemon meringue pie. Last night i suggested that the president might be trying to kill himself and that we should keep an eye on him. And apparently that message resonated because i got a scolding today from White House Press secretary number four kayla macalooney. So no one should be taking this without a prescription from their doctor. But with that being said, ive seen a lot of annnnn particular coverage. Jimmy kimmel said the president s quote trying to kill himself. Joe scarborough saying this will kill you. Neil cavuto saying what have you got to lose . The one thing you have to lose are lives. Jimmy shes definitely getting her hair colored. Anyway, thank you for watching, kayleigh. Its always nice to welcome a new fan. As you know most schools have had to hold their graduation ceremonies online this month. The governor of mississippi, tate reeves, gave an online commencement for his alma mater florence high school. And pay special attention as he reads the graduates names. A special shout out to the 2020 class of florence high school. Congratulations, im proud of you. To all the florence eagles, lets keep rolling. Blake christian brock. Harry azcrack. Jimmy harry graduated at the bottom of his class. But the azcrack family is still very proud. Online school is still a major nuisance for parents and students around the country. One of our writers who happens to be the heiress to a candy fortune her name is joelle has a 60 year old nephew, its crazy, shes 90 years old. She has a sixyearold nephew named joshua who got this assignment from his teacher. They told him to build a Little Bridge using coins. He was supposed to build it take a picture, and email it to the teacher. But he didnt take a picture nor did he build a bridge. Instead, this is the what his teacher got a note that said, youre not supposed to touch coins in my house because of the coronavirus. What a clever way to get out of doing homework but not everyone can do this. And for those who have to turn your assignments in. Our own guillermo is tutoring now free of charge. So sharpen your pencils while he sharpens your mind, its time for homework corner with guillermo. Guillermo welcome to homework corner with guillermo. Today question is what is one of the different between a mummal and a reptile. Mummal, okay, and a reptile. Okay. So reptiles are like snakes and lizards. Mammals are animals that, that um, that are not reptiles. And thats my answer. Jimmy when youre right, youre right. Hey, were going to take a break. When we come back, Patton Oswalt will join us. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by medicare from blue cross and blue shield companies. Why the weight of the world is carried with a smile. And where the comfort thats so desperately sought, is found. This is whats worth protecting embracing. And ensuring for others, especially now. This is why medicare from Blue Cross Blue Shield continues to improve what we can do for you. Putting over 80 years of healthcare expertise into action. And making Coverage Even more accessible in times when its needed most. Were here for you now, and always. This is the benefit of blue. [m come now set they togepast on fire stand up raise your face to the sky my love together we can take it higher together we can take it higher together we can take it higher this is gonna be americas favorite breakfast. They just dont know it yet. ding these are a few of my favorite things. You order a breakfast sandwich and thats when wendys makes it. Not weeks. Or months ago. Try your new favorite. Get a free breakfast baconator with offer in the app. Is all about protecting one thing the fun sidewalk fun longlasting fun poolside fun. Banana boat sunscreen lasts as long as the fun does. [m come now set they togepast on fire stand up raise your face to the sky my love together we can take it higher together we can take it higher together we can take it higher Michael Vasquez come over here. Ive heard such good things about you, your company. Well, i wouldnt have done any of it without you. Without this place. This is for you. Michael, you didnt have to. And, were going to need some help with the rest. Youve worked so hard to achieve so much. Perhaps its time to partner with someone who knows you and your business well enough to understand what your wealth is really for. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Tomorrow night kevin hart will be with us and were going to honor our healthcare hero of the week. Our guest tonight is a very funny man not only is he in his house, hes in your house, too. His new standup comedy special i love everything is on netflix now. Please welcome Patton Oswalt. Hello, patton. Hi, everybody jimmy its just me, patten. Theres no one else here. Im glitching, wait a minute. Im glitching. Oh, there you go. Hi. Jimmy as long as you dont buffer, it will be okay. How you doing, patton . Im doing well. The only thing that we are kind of short of on here is firewood. I wish i knew someone who had like a lot of firewood. Jimmy i do happen to have, you know, ive been getting a lot of people asking if its real wood. Which is it . Jimmy of course its real wood. Hey, look, we live in hollywood. That could be wallpaper. That could be a backdrop. Come on, man. We dont know. Jimmy no, thats real wood. Its just, its wood. What could be cheaper than wood if youre going to make wood. By the way, i enjoyed your netflix special, very funny. Thank you. Jimmy i always enjoy your stuff. I learned something about you that i did not know previously. Its something that we have in common. When you were a teenager, you were a deejay for weddings and stuff, right . Yes, i was a wedding deejay. Jimmy yeah, me too. You were a wedding deejay . Jimmy i was, yeah, when i was in college. What years . Like what years was that . In the 80s . Jimmy were talking like 1987, 88, maybe a little bit into 89. Oh, my god. Yeah, i worked at this very, very lowbudget deejay company, and we still used he was the last guy that would, that still used cassette tapes, long after they should not have been being used. He would defiantly not make the move to cds. So were you your own boss . Did you work for a company . How did you do it . Jimmy i worked for a Company Called johnny ds disc jockey in air. You worked for the only company that used cassettes. Because no one used cassettes doing disc jockey work. Yeah. Jimmy we had records. I carried crates of records with me. But how do you cue up a cassette . You have to listen and rewind . He had this weird device, where if he left a three second gap of silence between the songs on the mixes you could hit this button to stop at the fourth gap, but it would rarely actually work. So you would have cool and the gang celebration cued up and little river band cool change would come up. Jimmy you got your cools screwed up. If you were playing records, did you have two turn tables . Or just one . How did that work . Jimmy of course, i was a real disc jockey. I do an a little bit of this, do this, made me look kind of cool. Uhhuh. Jimmy i wasnt fast forwarding like you had to do. Thats very sad. Did you ever do the early, like, would you have a song fadeout and the song that faded in had the same beat as the one, to kind of do this look, look how im mixing them. Jimmy of course, i mixed the gap band into the daz band. They had the same dpm. Ive been to things where the guys really revel in going from Michael Jacksons beat it to ac dcs back go black. They would switch genres, but the songs have the same beat. There was that little moment of oh, my god. Jimmy yeah, thats not great when your grandparents are out on the dance floor. Its different at a wetting tddn at a dance club. Im glad we have that in common. We could talk about this for two hours. Something happened, you had a fight with your wife, yes. Yeah, we had a fight. I stormed out of the house to go on a hike, like, im going on a hike i won halfway through my hike, i was like, were fighting over nothing, i have to apologize. When i came back to my car, she had left a note on my car, but it was the most ominous note, which basically said stop, get out of your car, walk to the car in front of you. I love you. I thought oh, my god, im about to be killed. And to prove it, i have the video. She shot a video of me finding the note. Look how terrified i am. Jimmy okay. This is video. You coming back from your angry hike. Yes. Jimmy and finding the note. Oh, hold on. Theres a note. Oh, whats this . Jimmy is this a ticket . What is this . I unfold it. I was froze and terrified. Jimmy and the shooter is right there. Yes, at the end as i walk forward, you hear me go i thought i was going to be assassinated. Like im clearly shaken. Jimmy your wife meredith said she had a different version of the story and she wanted to share it. I heard her laughing, i think. Oh, god. Jimmy meredith, tell us your version of the story. How are you . Im good, how are you . Jimmy great, thank you. Um, my version of the story, well, first of all, let me acknowledge that yes, the note seems ominous. Seems it seems ominous, because i was still mad when i wrote the note, so its not like, notice i didnt say i forgive you. I said i love you, like youre going to come back from your hike after youve like thought how wrong you were and were you going to apologize to me. So i was giving him an opening. Because in the special he says Something Like we had a blowout fight, and i said to her, im going for a hike and thats not at all how it happened. We got in a fight, and i said, oh, my god, im leaving. Not, you know, forever, just like out the door. Jimmy mmhm. And hes, like, well, im going on a hike. Like he was wrong the whole time. Oh, so i did a you cant fire me, i quit . Are you kidding . In other words, he tells the story on the show as if hes like, she thought she should apologize, and i thought, and we both realized we made a mistake, but hes the one who made the mistake. And i was gracious enough to give him an opening to apologize. I remember which, by the way, he did, because hes a great husband. I did, but i remember us blowing something out you say i was completely in the wrong . You dont remember it right. But i do, because i was wronged and you werent. Jimmy theres no more ominous note than to write i love you. With just a period. Not even a heart, just a period. Its such a sicilian method. Jimmy i want do keep you both here. The charity youve chosen for us to donate to tonight is a special charity. Its called alices kids. I know your daughters name is alice. These are not her kids, though. She doesnt have kids yet. No, shes 11. No kids yet. This isnt arkansas. Its this amazing charity. They get the essential supplies and experiences and food and clothing for atrisk kids and do it in a way that its done anonymously so that the kids dont have to deal with, sometimes theres a stigma in getting charity. So they also do an endrun around that so the kids can have the fun, dignified childhood, and its really amazing. Jimmy aliceskids. Org. Thank you, im glad you made up. It made up for a very funny part of your special. Please watch pattons standup special called i love everything. Do you want to make a cameo in my cameo . Jimmy the website . No. I promised them you would do it, so. Jimmy oh, okay. Its already recording. I dont want you on okay, here we go. Jimmy ill jump in. Hi, its me, Patton Oswalt and jimmy thats where i say jimmy, and its jimmy. Okay, yes. Here to say happy birthday to you happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear jimmy chacazy. How much do we get for that . If you have a venmo, ill send you a cut. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by coors light who are helping out americans who could use a beer. Lets be honest. Quitting smoking is hard. Like, quitting every monday hard. Quitting feels so big. So try making it smaller, and youll be surprised at how easily starting small can lead to something big. Start stopping with nicorette. [ siren ] doug starting small can lead to something big. Give me your hand i can save you. Lots of money with Liberty Mutual we customize your Car Insurance so you only pay for what you need only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. I do motivational speakingld. In addition to the substitute teaching. I honestly feel that thats my calling to give back to younger people. I think most adults will start realizing that they dont recall things as quickly as they used to or they dont remember things as vividly as they once did. Ive been taking prevagen for about three years now. People say to me periodically, man, youve got a memory like an elephant. Its really, really helped me tremendously. Prevagen. Healthier brain. Better life. Jimmy hi. Welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Ive got an email address where you can send me your questions and thoughts, its hellojimmykimmel gmail. Com. I usually hate getting email, but its fun to read. And i will answer one right now. Lets see what we got. From rachel crookshank. Jimmy, do you own a jean jacket . I feel like you do but you wont wear it. Although, in the back of your mind, youre like, i want to wear this. Are you waiting for an appropriate time . Theres no time like the present, my friend, rachel. You know, rachel, i dont, i assume i will someday. I think maybe by the time the jean jacket is back in style, i think im just probably now too old to be in style. So if the question youre asking is do i have a jean jacket, i do not have a jean jacket. And do not, please do not send me jean jackets. I dont want them, okay . Thanks, rachel. You know, lots of people need some extra help right now, including our friends in the hospitality industry. Which is why diageo started the tips from home initiative. As part of it, weve been inviting bartenders to create libations you can make with stuff youve got stockpiled in your personal bunker. And its time now for tonights cocktail de la casa featuring Johnnie Walker black label. Hey, guys, im going to make you a delicious cocktail called Monkey Business with banana bread. Three quarter ounce lemon juice. Three parts honey to one part water, an ounce of Johnnie Walker. Infused with banana bread. I toast the banana bread, let it sit overnight. Egg white, small piece of ice. Pop it over. Add more ice and shake. Strain that off in a stemmed glass. There you have it, Monkey Business. Cheers, jimmy. Jimmy cheers to you, maria. To learn more about how to help your favorite bartenders go to givz. Com tipsfromhome. Well be right back. This moment. This moment right now. This is our commencement. No, well not get a diploma or a degree of any kind. But we are entering a new chapter in our lives. Our confidence is shaken; our hearts cracked. The kind of a crack that comes from the loss of a job; from life plans falling apart. We didnt ask for it. But we are rising to meet it. And how far weve come isnt even close to how far we can go. We just have to remember how patient we were. How strong we can be. how strong you can be. and remember this; theres a crack in everything for a reason. How else can the light get in . Tomorrow starts today. So yes, things will be ad little different when it. En again, e. A new vegas for the new reality. Were working to make it more intimate, with more space, and the excitement youve come to expect. So if you ever imagined a vegas that was just for you. Its only here. And when its ready, youll be the first to know. When visible set out to create the future of phone service. We tossed the stuff that wasnt working. Stuff like footlong bills and fees from nowhere. Timewasting stores, misleading ads, unhelpful help centers. And saved the stuff that was working. Like verizons 4g lte network. Plus unlimited data, messages, and minutes. Its a simple system. Trim the bad. Make the good better. And way cheaper. Meet visible. Unlimited data on verizons 4g lte network. Just 25 for your first month. Join us at visible. Com. When visible set out to create the future of phone service. We tossed the stuff that wasnt working. Stuff like footlong bills and fees from nowhere. Timewasting stores, misleading ads, unhelpful help centers. And saved the stuff that was working. Like verizons 4g lte network. Plus unlimited data, messages, and minutes. Its a simple system. Trim the bad. Make the good better. And way cheaper. Meet visible. Unlimited data on verizons 4g lte network. Just 25 for your first month. Join us at visible. Com. Jimmy well, there you go, another night we will never forget. Id like to thank Patton Oswalt and apologize to matt damon. Tomorrow, we will check in with kevin hart. Nightline is next. Thats our show, but if you head to my twitch channel you can watch me play fortnite until my wife gets mad. Ill see you there. Up. And now they have the department of justice on their side. Only on abc 7, Robin Williams son opens up about his struggles and the his advocacy work during the pandemic. Face coverings are about to be mand tour. The Holiday Weekend forecast is up. Ilding bter bay area for a safe and secure future. This is abc 7 news. We will not be doing church like we used to, so were not going to put peoples lives in jeopardy. Tonight the battle between church and say it is heating up. More than 1,200 california pastors say they will defy the governors orders and hold services on may 31st. Thank you for joining us. Im dan ashley. And im ama daetz. J. R. Stone is following the growing debate and has more from oakland. The church is essential, especially for times like these. Bishop bob jackson of acts full Gospel Church in oakland making a plea to california governor p gavin newsom saying in these tough times churches need to be open and there for prisher ins. There