Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20240713

Viruses to one another was fun. What we do know is that last night, madison, the virgin who decided it was a good idea to go on this show, sent herself home. She eliminated herself, which made it easier for peter to decide who to propose to, hannah ann. It seemed to surprise chris harrison. I hate to darken the mood at all. Theres something i just found out about hannah ann. To be honest, im not positive shes coming. What . Jimmy just kidding. Shes coming. She came. Not only did hannah ann show up, she showed up in a formal dress with a formal address. Hi, chris harrison. Jimmy so as not to confuse him with the other chrises wearing suits in the australian outback. His other girlfriend, he tells her she left, and he gets down on his knee and proposes to the woman remaining. So they get engaged. Then peter goes and breaks the news to his family. Peters mother cried harder than every woman this season combined last night. And tonight the tears continued when she was reunited with her beloved son. How you guys doing . Oh, man. We missed you so much. Jimmy by the way, you know how long it had been since theyd seen him . A week. One week. She acts like he just got back from a tour of iraq. Maybe he should save us all time and marry his mother. I dont know. Peters mother made it abundantly clear she was on team hannah. She told peter god sent hannah ann. I got down on one knee, and i asked hannah ann to nmarry me. Oh oh, my gosh. Oh we love her so much. We love her. We love her. It all worked out the way it was supposed to. Jimmy maybe it all didnt work out. A few months later. I wish they had peters mother for this. The love affair between peter and hannah ann came to an end, and they fortunately had a crew of cameras to capture that end. Im so sorry. For what . For taking that from you, for confusing you for having to have you deal with me. To not be man enough to follow through with your words, to not be true to your words . Not being true to your feelings . Is that what youre sorry for . Yeah. Jimmy yeah, but not stay in more. N when your significant other asks you to detail what youre sorry for, run. Get the hell out of there. Theres no right answer to that question. So with hannah ann out, gods choice, he flew all the way to bring madison back. I think in his dream he would be with you. This is your second chance. Yeah. So what are you going to do . I guess were headin to l. A. Go pack a bag. Jimmy at what point does this become Human Trafficking . A friendly kidnapper or something. But after all that love struck out again, maybe those neil lane rings bring bad luck. Once again, at the beginning of the season my wife molly picked hannah ann. And who did he propose to and not end up with . Hannah ann. They may not have ended up, but it counts as win. Congratulations to my wife whos now picked correctly seven out of the last nine bachelors. She is the real nostradamus. Meanwhile, democrats are still trying to figure out who should get their final rose. Today was what is known as super tuesday ii, the sequel to super tuesday i. As of this hour, biden won mississippi, missouri and michigan. The three democrats still running are joe biden, Bernie Sanders, and i guess, in case they dont survive the coronavirus, because theyre all, Tulsi Gabbard. Does Tulsi Gabbard still know shes still in the race . I think its one of those things where you forget to cancel your health club membership. So Bernie Sanders and joe biden canceled campaign rallies. Theyre going to proceed narm , normally, which would be a first. President trump said he has not been tested for the coronavirus, but he does have syphilis. No. He plans on continuing to shake hands to assure that his immune system is perfect. Many are calling it the most beautiful immune system ever created. The white house says they have everything under control which may be why they have delayed a release about the pandemic. One reason we might not be prepared is trump fired the enti entire u. S. Pandemic Response Team to save money. He has a plan. He commented on a tweet, we need the wall more than ever. This is from a retweet from a guy who thinks the wall can help control the virus. There are almost 1,000 cases of coronavirus in america. You know how many there are in mexico . Less than ten. Hes right, the wall would help to protect them from us. Okay . The president s new chief of staff is under quarantine, mark meadows, who just started his job. Hes working from home now. There are congress men in quarantine. Ted cruz put himself in quarantine, hes out of the public eye for two glorious weeks and the center for Disease Control issued a special warning about that. Good morning. As you know, senator ted cruz is under selfquarantine after coming in contact with covid19. Early Research Suggests this viral strain may have originated in bats. As we know, senator cruz is a bat who is covered in parasitic worms. That is why we are urging the coronavirus to get tested. Coronavirus, if you display any symptoms of neinfection as a result of contact with ted cruz, which include sweating, not posting your favorite pornos on twitter please get tested immediately. Jimmy people are very worked up. This is how some parents in memphis, tennessee are handling the situation. Dont nobodys child want to be sick. Parents of children are not playing around. Many wipe their kids down, and some even sprayed them with disinfectant spray as they took them home. I wipe my Children Backpack down, got them glove, sure did. Some took more extreme measures. Thats messed up. Were going to die. Jimmy mom, are you not droppin me off at school today with that bag on your head the coronavirus is also having an impact on americas game shows. Wheel of fortune and jeopardy will tape without a studio audience. For a show named jeopardy they are risk averse. Even weirder would be no audience on the price is right. Here it comes the price is right david sahagen, come on down paul layir, come on down tammy vander, come on down greg richardson, come on down youre the first contestant on the price is right, and now, heres your host, drew carey jimmy so they are not taking any chances at all. There are cancellations all over the country. Harvard is sending students home, switching to virtual classes. The Coachella Music Festival has been postponed. In las vegas theyre closing buffets. This is when its serious for me. Not everyone is letting the virus rain on their parade. The really important events you will be happy to know will still go on as scheduled. Despite the threat of the virus, plenty of Mass Gatherings still taking place. Western france for example thousands of people gathered get to break the world record for the largestever gathering of smurfs. Jimmy thats gargomeles evil plan is coming to the ive been doing something to help slow the virus called the el bump. Even prince harry is, is he still prince harry . Or just a guy named harry now. This is interesting. The dutch Prime Minister is el bump friendly, too. He held a press conference to announce the new nohandshake policy. [ speaking in Foreign Language ] jimmy yeah, he made it nine seconds before violating that. Its hard. I dont know if you noticed but everyone now seems to think theyre an expert on the coronavirus. Me included. I know everything. I get in a group of people and i speak as if ive been a professor of immunology for 35 years. Ang knowled knowledge is power. We went out on the sfrooet street a street and asked people passing by to tell us what they know about the coronavirus. Were just out here talking to people about the coronavirus. Oh, okay, yeah. So what do you know . I know that its bad. Um, i know its new. Um, i dont know if you can drink soup and it will go away, it seems to be very popular. What do you know about the coronavirus . Its the first time me hearin about it. Explain it to me. Explain it to me. I dont know nothing about a coronavirus. Weve been giving that shot to our cattle for years. Its been around forever. If you eat cattle cubes when youre kid and lick salt youre safe. How many people have the coronavirus . Like a million . I dont know. But a lot. Can you tell us everything you know about the coronavirus . Im not too worried about it. The president just said its going to go away someday. Its not that critical of a deal. I know it makes you cough and its kind of like pneumonia. How is it different from pneumonia . I dont know. Its just what my dad said. How is it different from the flu . Um, well, it doesnt have to, thats a good question. I dont know. Um. What are you going to stock up on . Uh, i like wine and toilet paper and soap. Do you think that we should be scared . If youre nasty, you should be. If youre not of washing your hands, taking care of yourself, being clean, not covering your mouth when you cough and she in osnee sneeze. I got a roommate who never covers his cough. I always have to call him out, boy, cover your mouth. I always have to get on him. What do you know about the coronavirus . Theres somebody from my town who went to a fatherdaughter dance and got other people sick. What are they sick with . The coronavirus. Get away with us. Go away. Seriously, go [cheers and applause] jimmy tonight on the show, music from Christina Aguilera. Jake johnson is here. And well be right back with emily blunt. [cheers and applause] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by the Samsung Galaxy s20 ultra 5g all get ready ready set jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go keep it steady steady, to the letter, right . Turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, whatd i miss . Ready, set steady, bet with chicken or shrimp fajitas now on chilis 3 for 10. ita is a little bit. sizzling oh, so delicious. And a whole lotta. crunching thats a fajita, starter and drink for just 10 bucks. So lets go out to ita beholdeach for astors different type of music. When i have all six strings, im going to turn all the trolls into rock zombies. Rock and roll [ screaming ] i cant live without reggaeton. Im not going to let you do this. Well overpower them with glitter. [ growling ] were gonna have to go. Where no pop troll has ever gone. Who wants to party . Without smiling. Gnocchis. S. Raviolis. And them smokeys. Curry. Fried turkey. Cacciatori. Chimichurri. Berry. Mcflurry. mcdonalds half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. And them baby back baby backs. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. El bump youve joined jimmy johns youve placed your first order. Lets see what you win oh, incredible another winner free sandwich sign up for freaky fast rewards® and earn a free sandwich after your first order. For ralphies appointment. Whos his groomer . Carrie. Full groom for sure what . I just booked ralphies appointment online. That work . Wait you what . Its that easy download the app or book online at petsmart. Com just buy one in the app and get one free. Yep, free. Classic footlongs. Melty footlongs. Americas favorite footlongs buy one get one free. For a limited time only. [cheers and applause] jimmy hi there, welcome back. Tonight, from stumptown which airs here on abc, jake johnson is here. Then, her song from the soundtrack of mulan is called loyal, brave and true. And she will sing that song for us tonight, Christina Aguilera from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night, david spade and Eiza Gonzalez will join us. With music from grace vanderwaal. And on thursday, i will be off hosting a new version of who wants to be a millionaire. And former mayor Pete Buttigieg will be filling in for me, with sir patrick stewart, tony hale and jhene aiko with miguel. So please join us for that. Our first guest is a gifted and golden globewinning actress whom you can see running and shooting and stumbling in a very scary new movie written directed by her husband john krasinski, a quiet place part ii opens in theaters a week from friday. Please say hello to emily blunt. [cheers and applause] jimmy well, its very, very good to see you. You too jimmy how did the big premiere go . It was awesome. Id never seen it with an audience, so it was kind of incredible to see all the screaming and jumping. Jimmy the movie is great. Its hard to make a great sequel. Thats why we were really reluctant to entertain the thought of a sequel. John pitched me the opening of the movie, which is amazing. Jimmy he worked on the opening of the movie, and its amazing. It is amazing. Jimmy and he said hey, i have an idea how to start this. And youd want to be an idiot not to be in this scene. Jimmy would he pout or r recast you . Can you imagine if brie larson was just me . Jimmy especially at home. That would be weird, too, for their daughters who their mommy is captain marvel. Theyd be thrilled. What was your question . Jimmy dont worry about it. Doesnt matter. The movies fantastic. Thank you. Love you for saying it. Jimmy and the first one was just, well, okay. Its because brie larsons in this one. Jimmy well get into that a little bit late other, but the premiere went well. When youre watching a movie, a scary movie, and youre in it, is it still tense and scary . I mean, it is, and i know where the scares are coming from, but it is that scary that i still jump. Jimmy you jump at yourself. Being scared. I do. When you are shoot being a lot of those scenes, thats when its not very scary because youre kind of having to orchestrate big camera moves, when the creature is revealed, when its not. John said when he was editing he heard himself over the shot saying and creature, and theres an at anyis bal tennis. Jimmy i feel like the other balls at the sports store are not given their due. Was this a ball of yarn . Or what is going on here . What did you bring with you . I wanted to show you something that i think would be a nice way for you to unwind. It has been John Krasinskis salvation. Have you heard of finger weaving . Jimmy no. This is jimmy oh, geez. I thought the creature was here. What has he got going there . The length of it. Of his finger weaving cobra. Jimmy oh, these are little rings, yeah. So this, what i had heard is that Martin Scorsese at the end of a shoot is so exhausted that he often has to institutionalize himself. John did not have time for that, because we had the premiere. So instead, he turned to finger weaving that our 6yearold daughter taught him how to do. Jimmy oh, i see. Give it a twist. Jimmy your daughter taught him this and he got caught up go it. And started doing it himself. And im worried i am already getting interested in it. Twist the same one in the same way. Jimmy i think i did. And then take the blue. Jimmy by the way, im really impressed with myself for kind of getting this. Well done. Flip it over. We also chose the same colors. Jimmy and then . Take the blue, flip it over. Then take this one, flip it over. Jimmy i think ive already screwed it up. Yeah. And you keep going, and you get your next band. Jimmy and then you make, what can you make out of this . Just snakes. Jimmy just snakes. You cant make a sweater or Something Like that . You just make snakes. Our house is full of snakes. Jimmy really . You guys really are living scary lives. I do remember, i think it was two days after john handed in the film he started finger weaving, and i remember looking at him thinking is he okay . And i said isnt that nice, john . Didnt that feel so nice . Didnt answer me. And i was like, john, john john like, he was gone. Jimmy at least at the end of all this work youve got a nice, long string that kind of looks like a snake you might find at chuck e. Cheese. See, its already beginning. Jimmy i dont see how thats going to become a snake, but ill keep at it. Keep at it. Jimmy i learned something about you. I know you have a lovely singing voice. This is making me nervous, so, this conversation is taking a turn. Jimmy you at one time almost left into the world of pop music and became a pop star. I could have been brittany. Jimmy you could have been brittany. What happened . I realized im not good at dancing and i dont want to be brittany. I dont want to be, i dont want to tell you too much. Im afraid somebody will find these songs i recorded. Jimmy how many songs did you record . Do you want to know the name of one of them . Jimmy very much. Ring it up. Jimmy theres a song called ring it somebody wrote you a song . They said i think you have a nice voice and i think you could be a pop star. I said i cant dance. They said dont worry about it well teach you. And i was doing a play. See how nervous im getting its beginning though. Jimmy it has begun. My first job was with judi dench, yes, the dame. She was wonderful to me. And she, i went to her for advice, because i was really, really nervous about this career that i didnt know was right for me. I didnt think was right for me. And she said oh, no, darling, you cant do both. You cant act and do that. Jimmy she talked you out of that . She put the kibosh on it. Jimmy you can act and sing. You cant do both jimmy you can do snakes and do a talk show interview at the same time. Does she not know how good i am at multitasking. Jimmy you know Christina Aguilera is here. Do you think she can finger weave while she sings . Jimmy i bet she can. She freakin can. Jimmy well see a clip from a quiet place part two after this. Well be right back. Portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by paneras new unlimited coffee subscription. Panera, your cup is always full. Soaring voices sing ] [ music begins to build ] [ drums beat faster ] introducing an unlimited coffee subscription for 8. 99 a month. At panera, your cup is always full. sprdual camera system with paulultrawide on iphone 11 new paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. paul and because sprint likes to do things differently, theyre offering a 100 total satisfaction guarantee. While i think their network and savings are great, you dont just have to take my word for it. 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Jimmy it picks up right where we left off. Except johns dead. Jimmy johns dead. And hes abandoned me, im left with three children, one of which is a newborn baby. I have a baby box. Jimmy oxygen and a baby. She liked being in the box. There were times when john needed the baby to cry a bit. We have a photograph of me and killian and were trying to wake up a sleeping baby with a mask on just like that. Thrilled to be in the box. Jimmy in between the first movie and the sequel, how much time elapsed . I think, i mean, there was a good couple of years, i think. Jimmy so john had this, it seemed like you never have a sequel to that movie. Yeah. Yeah. Jimmy and john had to figure it out. John had to figure it out, yeah. I shot jungle cruise in kauai and atlanta. Jimmy its quite a difference in tone. Quite a difference. Jimmy this is the disney jungle cruise. With the up and comer Dwayne Johnson. No one knows him. Jimmy were they on the set of both films . They loved coming on jungle cruise. Jimmy they didnt love a quiet place . Its a disney ride, an awesome boat. There was a talking parrot. It was in kauai. Dwayne johnsons there. Jimmy mmhm. Kids loved Dwayne Johnson . They didnt love the monsters. We shot in buffalo, in an abandon mill. That was barely legal to be there. And my youngest came on there, wheres the creature. And we were pointing at dennis, and shes like, no, its going to jump out, i know it. Jimmy i dont blame her for being so fearful. This is like a franchise now, and its become so successful that you and john are dipping your toes in the Airline Industry. Yes, we thought it was sort of time to diversify, because, you know, the brand is now out there and, yeah. Jimmy is this a good time to get into the Airline Industry . It can be rocky starting off. Jimmy uhhuh. Seems like maybe you might want to push the launch. No, no, its going to be huge. Jimmy we have the first video, announcing this. Roll it. Jimmy very excite beining. Take a look. Hello, bonjour, we know you have choices when you travel. So thank you for choosing us. The only airline with silence guaranteed. Please Pay Attention to these safety instructions. Its important to keep your mouth securely closed thomas. So, where you from . Sh use of cellular phones is not permitted on board. Could not believe it you called and please keep your baby at the lowestpossible sh in the event you need to make a sound, one of our helpful cabin creatures will assist you u creatures . No annoying announcements. You can earn points and bonuses with the even from flight attendants. Keep your feet on the ground. Not because theyre loud, because they are gross. [ [ and if you even think about bringing one of these socalled support animals on our airline, make sure its a fish. Thank you for flying a quiet plane. Now shut the [ bleep ] up and enjoy your flight. [cheers and applause] jimmy i like it. Id risk that. Emily blunt, everyone. 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[cheers and applause] jimmy you know, dont take it the wrong way, i just think its the responsible thing to do. I saw you hug emily blunt, so i was coming in for mine. Jimmy emily used to live right across the street from me. So there is some kind of a rule that if you are neighbors. You can do it. I also look like a guy with corona. I wouldnt hug me. If i saw me at an airport id be like that kids got corona. Jimmy how have you been reacting to this, positively, negatively . I dont feel scared at all. I feel scared a little bit. Are you scared of corona . Jimmy ive been washing my hands, but i doesnt think abdo a lot. Well, were here. Jimmy ive been talking about this. I love, i know there are always some good things about bad things, but i feel like the audiences the last couple weeks really want to be here. Theyre risking their lives. Jimmy i like that sacrifice that you guys have made. [cheers and applause] actually, its, thank you to the sacrifice of your parents and your grandparents. Jimmy thats right. Thank you for killing your elders for us. Because you guys will probably be fine. You, you, you, gone the rest fine. I had a thing where one of the reasons im not afraid now, about a few years ago i was doing a press tour. And its when bedbugs were a big thing. Jimmy oh, right. I lived in new york for a while, and i really was scared of them. I woke up in a hotel and i had bumps all over my face. My forehead, my body, and they were bites. It was disgusting. Jimmy so you got bedbuged. Thats what i thought. So ill get there. So i see damon, and he says, you got bedbugs, it as contagious, man, everywhere you go, those little bugs were going to jump off. I was going to phoenix, i had to get on the plane, i felt like the big eagest creep on the pla. I had to call my wife, we just had kids and i said i have bedbugs. And shes like, youre not coming in the house. On the driveway, i stripped totally naked. She gave me a tarp and underpants. Jimmy i assume you hid from your neighbors. I was living right in los felis. I was on the sidewalk. I didnt care who saw me. Jimmy and you checked your body. I didnt see anything but bumps, but i knew it was bed bumps. If she had an electric razor i would have shaved. And i was on new girl at the time. I was genuinely furious. She throws a tarp on me with underpants. I drive to urgent care, get to the doctor and go hey, doc, whats going on, you tell me. I said i got bedbugs, man. He said you dont have bid bedbugs, this is a food allergy. Jimmy what are you allergic to . Wheat and dairy. The whole tour i had pizza and. Jimmy you know youve made it when you can throw your luggage away and not go back in to get it. When did you move to los angeles . 2004. Jimmy and you moved from chicago, right . Chicago to new york to here to about two blocks from here. Jimmy okay. Los palmas. Jimmy thats not a great area. Its not. And i actually got robbed one night. Jimmy you did . I was helping my buddy move, a guy named eric idlestein. I was sitting outside the convertible. I was on my flip phone and three guys walked by. You can sense in the air when youre in trouble. So i was like, damn it, this isnt looking good for old jakester. One guy walks up. If he said give me your money i would have done it. I probably had 15. If he had said give me your wallet i probably would have done t it. He said give me your junk. Jimmy your genitals . No, that wasnt my reaction. I didnt think i was robbing me of my genitals. Theyre not impressive enough. Jimmy he wanted what then . He wanted my phone, my wallet. He went thmeant that as an eck. And i go what . He said your junk. And i said i dont have any junk. And he goes your phone, man. And he just called it junk. I went, man, i wish he didnt call it junk. Its an old flip phone. And i just met bob odenkirk. Jimmy sure. Through my friend derrick waters, and i did the thing at the bar where i just moved to l. A. And did like, bob, we should exchange. And bob being a nice guy was like, sure but dont ever call me. I couldnt give him my phone. So i said no. So i ended up scrapping with three guys. Jimmy really . For a flip phone. Jimmy over Bob Odenkirks phone number. I didnt win the fight. Jimmy did they take the phone . They didnt because my buddy walked out as i was screaming. When i say got into it, it wasnt like got into it, it was like, ah, ah, thats the truth. And he hears my screaming and comes out and goes hey, with the sunbeam being behi bea. He had a hammer in his hand that looked like a weapon of mass destruction. And hes like hey jimmy did it pay off with bob . Not really. Jimmy i bet could you have got bobs number from derrick, though. I could have. Coy have. It was them calling it junk. Jimmy have you ever stolen anything yourself . Well, i mean, thats complicated. But i would say, yes, but i have been arrested for i was accused of stealing something i didnt steal. Jimmy what was that . My buddy billy and i were, it was right after high school. And we used to climb roofs and have big talks, just hangin out kind of nights. Sounds way weirder now. If we were in a bar it wouldnt seem that wireeird. Wed climb on a roof and talk it out. We got in one of those 18yearold stupid talks. The talk was, if the world was flat and you had great vision and could see everything, would there be less wars. Jimmy you guys were high . Who can remember . But we didnt have anything on us. Jimmy uhhuh. So we had this big, goofy talk, and were both like lets get going, were walking down the fire escape, theres a bunch of cops, pull the guns on us, throw us against the wall, hand cuff me, a cop comes in and says theres been a bunch of burglaries right where you were, son. And i go, oh and he goes what were you doing up there . And i go, my buddy and i were having a talk. And he goes oh, really . Yeah. What was that talk about . And i didnt want to say. Jimmy yeah. And i go, we were just talkin about stuff, officer. What were you talkin about, chief . If the world were flat. You could see everyone, would there be less wars . And my buddy billy is saying the same thing in another interrogation room. When the cops talked and came back, ive never had a man look at me with so much disgust. You can go, get out of here, go, go jimmy wow. You had a rough go of it. Im glad youre ong. But its all, i did it. Its all my fault. Jimmy its very good to see you. Watch stump town. Returns next wednesday here on abc. Jake johnson, everybody, well be right back with Christina Aguilera. [cheers and applause] the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by the 2020 gclass. Mercedes benz, the best or nothing. Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music its the rush of relaxation. Introducing the allnew lincoln corsair. The Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy thanks to emily blunt and jake johnson. Apologies to matt damon, nightline is next. But first, from disneys mulan, here with the song loyal brave true, Christina Aguilera [cheers and applause] war is not freedom over my shoulder i see a clearer view all for my Family Reason im breathing everything to lose should i ask myself in the water what a warrior would do tell me underneath my armor am i loyal brave and true am i loyal brave and true losing is easy winning takes bravery i am a tigers fool out in the open no one to save me the kindest of whispers are cruel should i ask myself in the water what a warrior would do tell me underneath my armor am i loyal brave and true am i loyal brave and true cold is the morning warm is the dream chasing the answers til i cant sleep will i be stronger or will i be weak when youre not with me who am i without my armor standing in my fathers shoes all i know is that its harder to be loyal brave and true [cheers and applause] thank you. [cheers and applause] thank you. This is nightline. Tonight, hot zone. This is literally a matter of life and death. The National Guard ordered into the first containment area in america. A sobering warning as the covid19 outbreak continues to spread. In seven or eight weeks there could be 64,000 people infected in the state of washington if we dont somehow slow town down th epidemic, then the next tweak, 120 those a 120,000. Last flight out. There are people everywhere. It looks very clear that a lot of people are trying to get out. With the death toll