i don't know,how longwillit take? this caucus system, it's confusing. but the reason they start them, the reason the primaries begin in high wh in iowa and go to new hampshire is so that we know what the very whitest people think first. bernie sanders is from nearby vermont, new hampshire is one of his strongholds. he is expected to do well. going into tonight, bernie had 12 delegates, and no hairbrushes. you know who else was in new hampshire? last night the president was in manchester, for what he described as the biggest political rally in new hampshire history. and when he says something like that, you know it's true. and the president fired the crowd up sharing many tales of victories and he did that at the state of the union. >> on tuesday, i delivered my address on the state of the union. and i had somebody behind me, who was mumbling terribly, mumbling. mumbling, wah, wah, ho, ha. mumbling. very distracting. >> jimmy: we did some digging, and we went through all the footage to figure out who was mumbling behind him, and i believe we found the culprit. >> here, on this land, on this soil, on this continent. >> i love you, i love you, i love you. i love you. >> jimmy: it's nice that they still have that spark after all this time together. as he often does, trump covered a wide range of subjects, including the time in 2017 when a man with a gun shot louisiana congressman steve scalise. scalise was at the rally with trump. >> a very brave man. he took a bullet. he got shot. and he got up, he was going to die that night. i tell this story all the time. his wife, she was crying so much, when he finally did awake. i said one thing i learned, your wife loves you. why do you say that? because she was devastated. i know many wives who don't get too upset. >> jimmy: yeah, well, happy valentine's day. trump is mixing it up with michael bloomberg now, who, bloomberg was not on the ballot in iowa or new hampshire. instead, he has like 15 commercials running on every show on every television channel. that appears to be working. according to a new national poll, bloomberg is in third place behind bernie and biden. but know now he has a problem. a tape has emerged of a tape of him touting the stop and frisk policy. this morning, trump tweeted, wow, bloomberg is a total racist, which is amazing, because a lot of people think the president might be racist himself. trump quickly deleted the post which may have something to do with the fact that he himself is a big fan of stop and frisk. >> one of the things i would do is i would do stop and frisk. i think you have to. we did it in new york. it worked incredibly well. and you have to be proactive. in my opinion, i see what's going on here. i see what's going on in chicago. i think stop and frisk, in new york city, it was so incredible the way it worked. >> jimmy: oops. by the way, stop and frisk is also trump's policy back stage at his beauty pageants. did you know? [ applause ] the president had a great deal to say last night. so we slowed him down to half speed for tonight's poetry edition of drunk donald trump. ♪ >> shut up! silly woman. said the reptile with the grin. you knew damn well i was a snake before you took me in. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: that's how he reads to his kids. trump is absolutely drunk with power right now. his close friend and adviser, roger stone, in case you don't know, was found guilty, that's roger stone, found guilty of obstruction of justice, lying to congress, witness tampering and various fashion-related crimes. so a sentence was recommended of up to nine years tor roger stone, and that did not please the president. so he tweeted, this is a horrible and very unfair situation. the real crimes were on the other side, as nothing happens to them. cannot allow this miscarriage of justice, says the man who got away with the first impeachment trial in his that i did not have witness. so trump tweeted that last night. and today we learn that the justice department suddenly decided to reduce their sentence request from nine years to something far less severe, which is appalling, even by trump standards and unheard of that he would somehow affect the sentence of his friend. trump tweets, all of a sudden his attorney general is like, you know what? instead of seven to nine years, why don't we make it no years. all four federal prosecutors who worked on the case resigned in protest. he says he stays out of things to a degree that people wouldn't believe. well i think i would, he also says he's known roger stone for years, and he's a nice guy. that's good enough. he seems like a, in fact, let's look at some of the stuff this very nice guy has posted. he once said joe biden has trouble keeping his hands off children. he said eric swalwell was the candidate from down syndrome and he wrote barbara bush was a mean-spirited, self-entitled woman and i now understand why nancy reagan hated her so much. he seems lovely, i will agree with that. and i look forward to the other prisoners discovering the tattoo of richard nixon on his back. i tell you that for sure. trump right now is totally -- [ applause ] he's, over the weekend, he removed that lieutenant colonel alexander vindman from the national security council and fired his brother who had nothing to do with anything, because vindman testified in front of the house. he fired the guy for obeying the law, and then trump said, adios to his now former baeambassador the eu, gordon sondland. this guy spent a million dollars to get fired by donald trump. meat loaf did that for free. i think he even got paid. sondland was a target for revenge, because his testimony clearly explained that the president did to ukraine exactly what the democrats said he did. >> secretary perry, ambassador volker and i worked with mr. rudy giuliani on ukraine matters at the express direction of the president of the united states. >> jimmy: so trump, of course, exacted his vengeance on sondland, and i want to see how gordon's holding up. so we reached out to him, and he was kind enough to join us tonight. so i would like to say hello to former ambassador sondland. thank you so much for your time, sir. [cheers and applause] >> thanks for having me! >> jimmy: can i ask you, why are you in an orange jump suit? >> it's not orange, jimmy. they call it presidential skin tone. >> jimmy: who calls it that? where are you right now? >> i'll give you one guess. it rhymes with jeronimo's gay. >> jimmy: oh, the president sent you to guantanamo bay? why? >> because he's very angry with me, matter than joaquin phoenix in a dairy farm. >> jimmy: i'm very sorry to hear that. how are you holding up down there in cuba, flight. >> i'm okay, you know, it's pretty hot here. it's hotter than the cauldron kellyanne conway uses to make potions. >> jimmy: make sure you drink plenty of water. >> i'm drinking plenty, upside down through my nose. >> jimmy: you're being water boarded? >> oh, it's not that bad, like chugging a kiddie pool. the bedbugs have ringworm. >> jimmy: that does sound bad. i'm sorry, hey, you know what one thing i wanted to ask, have you seen lieutenant colonel vindman and/or his twin brother. >> oh, no, the president sent them on a corona virus cruise. there's no room for them. >> jimmy: a coronavirus -- >> there's too many new detainees here. >> jimmy: who are the detainees? >> mitt romney's grandkids. >> jimmy: which ones? which kids? >> all 300 of them, jimmy, the whole tabernacle choir. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> yeah. we're squeezed in here, tighter than shaq in a bumper car. >> jimmy: well, they're very cute, i'll say that. >> this is donnie, this is marie, say howdy, everybody. >> howdy, everybody. >> all right, go back to knocking on cell doors. >> jimmy: that is very unfortunate. >> ooh, congratulations! >> jimmy: who is that you're congratulating? >> abdullah abdullah. he heats women, he hates gays, he hates foreigners. >> jimmy: why are you congratulating him? >> because trump just gave him the medal of freedom. >> jimmy: i see. i see. >> it is a rush limbaugh. >> jimmy: yes, we got that. >> we got to go, jimmy, it's taco tuesday. >> jimmy: that's fun. >> not really. it means they roll us up in a carpet and beat us. >> jimmy: i'll let them, that's gordon sondland, everybody. [cheers and applause] funny guy. very funny guy. [cheers and applause] in happier news, madison square garden tonight had the 144th annual westminster kennel club dog slow, whihow, which i guess for the people. but none of the winners are aware that they're in a competition or even what a competition is. all they know is that their owners are lunatics, and anyway, out of all the many fine canines and their owners, this unlikely duo stole the show tonight. that's right. [cheers and applause] the obedience training really paid off. also in new york, tomorrow is the final day of fashion week. fashion week has been going on in new york. this is one of the wildest and most unwearable clothes in the world go on parade. we wanted to have fun with that. we sent a crew to new york to ask fashionistas to ask whether pete rose should be reinstated to major league baseball. we asked the models and designers in new york for fashion week about pete rose, and here's how that ♪ >> what are you wearing? >> today i'm wearing msgm. my jewels are by swarovski and my jacket's from asics. >> and should pete rose still be banned from major league baseball? >> i honestly am not a huge sports person. >> do you think major league baseball should reinstate pete rose? >> what? >> don't know anything about him. >> i don't know who that is. >> you're here for fashion sfwheek. >> yes. >> in light of the houston astros not really being punished for their sign stealing scandal, is it time for major league baseball to reinstate pete rose? >> um, yeah, i would agree with that. >> why? >> well -- >> take your time. >> um, well, i just think that a complex situation like this, different voices should be heard. >> let me ask you this. is it time to let pete rose back in the game? >> to let who? >> is it time to let pete rose back into the game? >> yes. >> why do you feel that way? >> um, sorry, i, can you ask me another question? >> what's that? >> can you ask me another question? >> sure. why is it time to let pete rose back in the game. [ laughter ] >> do you consider pete rose the vera wang of baseball? >> yes. >> why? >> um, because i think the whole representation of who it is, you know, just defines it, so i think so. >> pete rose? >> yeah. >> okay. good luck pete rose. just really good luck. >> tell us your name, sir. >> george green. >> where are you from? >> brooklyn, new york. >> are you here for fashion week? >> no, i'm just passing by for work. >> has badgely mischka jumped the shark? >> yes. i don't know what you're talking about. >> what do you love about fashion week, leo? >> what i love about fashion week, it makes people even more excited about their true sevelv. the trends always come back. and when you think about consistentbility, it's not only about thinking green but it's beautiful how everything comes together. >> is it time for major league baseball to reinstate pete rose? >> what is that? >> rose baseball? >> what are you guys excited about? >> we absolutely love fashion week. this is our tenth season, and we're headed to the badgely mischka show. super excited to be dressed by the designers this year. >> is it time for major league baseball to reinstate pete rose? >> oh, my gosh, i'm from cincinnati, we do think it is time. pete rose, we love you. >> do you agree? >> sure, what she said! >> is it time for baseball to move on from tight pants? >> no. ♪ >> jimmy: pete, get on a plane immediately. we have a good show tonight, music from superm. david sedaris is here. and we'll be right back with amy poehler. ♪ >> dicky: abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by red lobster. if you've been dreaming about tender wild-caught lobster, dig in to butter-poached, fire-roasted and shrimp & lobster linguini. see? dreams do come true. or if you like a taste of new england without leaving home, try lobster, sautéed with crab, jumbo shrimp and more, or maybe you'd like to experience the ultimate surf and the ultimate turf... with so many lobster dishes, there's something for every lobster fan so hurry in and let's lobsterfest. or get pick up or delivery at redlobster.com i just feel stuck, doc. and i'm hearing voices. you feel stuck. because you are stuck. in a giant chocolate bar. huh. but what about the voices? that's me! there it is again. seaonly abreva cany to help sget rid of it in... ...as little as 2 1/2 days when used at the first sign. abreva starts to work immediately to block the virus and protect healthy cells. abreva acts on it. so you can too. get to kohls for amazing gifts plus sweet savings with an extra 20 or 15% off! plus - take an extra 20% off fine and silver jewelry you'll find great last minute valentine's day gifts for everyone! plus - get kohl's ca! plus - buy online, free store pickup! shop kohl's and kohl's dot com. 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(sprintern) now that's a picture perfect deal. smile. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. diarrhea? pepto diarrhea to the rescue. it's 3x concentrated liquid formula coats and kills bacteria to relieve diarrhea. the leading competitor only treats symptoms it does nothing to kill the bacteria. treat diarrhea at its source with pepto diarrhea. tis better than the criminal in democrathe white house.esident we all have progressive plans to address the big challenges facing our country. what makes me different, is i've been working for ten years outside of washington, to end the corporate takeover of our democracy, and to return power to the american people. i started need to impeach to hold this lawless president accountable. i'm proposing big reforms like term limits... ...a national referendum... ...and ending corporate money in politics. as president, i'll declare climate change an emergency on day 1. and, use those powers to finally address the climate crisis. and, i've spent 30 years building a successful international business. so, i can take on donald trump on the economy - and beat him. i'm tom steyer and i approve this message - because there is nothing more powerful than the unified voice of the american people. >> jimmy: tonight, he is a very funny writer and person, with a new online "master class." the great david sedaris is here. then, they are the first k-pop group to debut at number one on the billboard chart. this is their self-titled ep, superm from the mercedes-benz stage. tomorrow night, from "american idol" katy perry, lionel richie and luke bryan will be here, lucy hale will join us, we'll have music from andy shauf. and on thursday, chris pratt, huey lewis, and music from sam hunt. so please join us for those shows, too. our first guest is an emmy and golden-globe winning person with a new animated show about a pubescent teenage boy, "duncanville" premieres sunday night on fox. please say hello to amy poehler. [cheers and ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? >> fine. >> jimmy: very good to see you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'm great. >> jimmy: i feel like i haven't seen you in a long time. >> someone said back stage it's been like four years. >> jimmy: since you were on the show, i've seen you. >> yeah, i went to college, i went back to school. >> jimmy: oh, you did, what did you study? >> i'm a veterinarian now. >> jimmy: oh, great. that was your dream, wasn't it? >> always wanted to help the animals. >> jimmy: you, everything's good? by the way, i'm so interested in this, i'm curious to ask you about it. because typically, with award shows they will wait until like a couple months before the show and announce who's going to host the show. but it seemed like the golden globes, they were barely finished clapping and they said next year, tina and amy are going to host the show. >> yeah, not sure why. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: did that -- >> build the pressure. maybe? >> jimmy: gives you too long to think about it, doesn't it? >> to turn it into a diamond, i hope. yeah, no, it's a year away. >> jimmy: it's a full year away. >> it's a full year away. so in about 11 and a half months, we're going to start thinking about it. >> jimmy: you really can't start thinking about it too soon, can you? >> nobody's made the movies yet. >> jimmy: yes, it is hard to make fun of things that don't exist. are you the kind of person who says yes to something and then regrets it the whole time leading up to that thing? >> yeah. i think i'm like you, which is, because you've done this many times where i'm like, all right, let's do it, and then i dread it. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> i dread it, and i want to die. i want to go to sleep. >> jimmy: sleep is always the thing. >> i'm a very fight or flight kind of thing. i get very tired and i'm like, maybe i should go to sleep instead of host this. >> jimmy: did you watch the oscars? >> i did, i loved "parasite", so i thought the went was awesome. i like awards shows that are a little surprising, because i remembered growing up in the '70s and '80s with awards shows that were really shaggy, pretty sloppy. >> jimmy: it was different back then. >> the stars would just drive to the event. >> jimmy: yes. >> and they'd just show up in jeans and be like smoking and hear their name and go up there. >> jimmy: yeah, they'd put it out. now they're vaping instead of smoking. >> i'm very nostalgic about the '70s and '80s. >> jimmy: me, too. and i wonder if they're as great as i remember. what do you think about when you think about the '70s and '80s? >> i just think it was a better time. no seat belts. your parents didn't watch you. nobody babysat you. >> jimmy: right. >> you could just walk to the mall. and your neighbor would flash you, and it wasn't a big deal. you know, the good times. >> jimmy: did you have a neighbor, a flasher neighbor? we had one. >> yeah. we didn't have a, you had one? >> jimmy: we grew up across the street from each other, yeah. >> you did? were you the flasher neighbor? >> jimmy: no, no. but we did. >> there's always one weird house. >> jimmy: at least one weird house. >> and if there isn't one on your street, then you're the house. >> jimmy: you're probably right. that's a good way of looking at it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that was definitely, i wonder if it's what we're experiencing right now that makes us long for those days. >> yeah. >> jimmy: or if they really were better. i feel like they were better. >> i feel like people wore jeans out more to event. >> jimmy: it's all about dress code, really. >> it is. >> jimmy: what kind of kid were you? what kind of teenager were you? >> i wasn't, i wish i could say i was cool and rebellious. i was not. ly a nice group of friends. and we, you know, we stuck to the rules. but we did like drink in the woods. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know, stuff like that. but i was, i was petulant. i was a petulant kid. and i remember, there was a rule in my house that my dad would, i'd go to the mall all the time. that's what i did. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> and my dad would pick me up from the mall, but you had to stay in the car. like he wasn't allowed to come into the mall. >> jimmy: he wasn't allowed in the mall. >> because he was too embarrassing. then one time he came into the mall, and i just screamed at him, like what are you doing in the mall! and got home and ran upstairs and my mom was like, bill, why did you go into the mall! my poor parents. >> jimmy: sounds like your dad may have been getting the worst of it, though, yeah. >> so therefore, life was easy. that was, that was my big -- >> jimmy: except for your dad, in which case it was hell, he couldn't even get a hot dog on a stick. we're going to take a break and talk about teenaged years. your new show is called "duncanville." amy poehler is here, we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you kbi seep by cepacol lozenges. by cepacol lozenges. get to kohls for amazing gifts plus sweet savings with an extra 20 or 15% off! plus - take an extra 20% off fine and silver jewelry you'll find great last minute valentine's day gifts for everyone! plus - get kohl's cash! plus - buy online, free store pickup! shop kohl's and kohl's dot com. ♪ applebee's new irresist-a-bowls now starting at $7.99. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. michael bloomberg is here. vo: leadership in action. mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. obama: at a ti when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. bloomberg: i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. [ fast-paced drumming ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ blow a kiss into the sun ♪ we need someone to lean on the new xc90 available with six seats. xc90. recharged. ♪ ♪ save up to $2,000 in allowances on select new volvo models through march 2nd. visit your local volvo dealer. i can't wait to drive. by the time i'm done riding my bike to protests, i am too tired to march. [ laughter ] >> dial it down, dude. >> i got this. >> who knows, maybe someday you'll be able to give me a ride somewhere. >> smash! i'm coming to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. >> well, that sounds -- why? >> he was going to say yes! >> i couldn't take that chance. you're so cool. feel me up. >> with plez. >> jimmy: amy poehler, believe it or not, as duncan in "duncanville." >> it's about duncan and his family, his friends who surround him. he can't wait until he has his license and freedom. i play the voice of duncan and hay his mom, annie. she's in parking enforcement and likes rules, and she likes duncan to get her a chair so she can climb on it and yell at him face-to-face. >> jimmy: how do you settle on how you are going to approach the voice of a teenaged boy? >> you have to take all the words you usually say and reduce it to like two words. and you have to -- >> jimmy: that's probably a good idea for anyone, really. >> 100%. it's like the opposite of the engine that gets everybody pumped. this one feels everybody's lame. and his town is so boring. so stressed out. >> jimmy: did you study teenaged boys? >> i did. i went to the mall. >> jimmy: that was, dad did not get to go? >> i wore a trench coat and went like, hello. i went to the mall and watched teenagers. it's really funny to watch, you have to be funny when you watch teenager from behind, from behind a pole, because you can get asked to leave. but um, what i love about teenagers that age is they have, like, no freedom. they feel really confined. like they think that they are smarter than everyone else. but they don't know what they're doing. and when you're around them, they look like goofballs, and they're pushing each other, and just being adam's apples everywhere, but they can say stuff that devastates you. >> jimmy: like what? >> you can walk past them and like your shoes, and you're like, what's wrong with my shoes? all of a sudden you go home and you want to buy a cemetery plot. >> jimmy: because they've spoken on behalf of their whole generation. >> yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: and the mom character. >> yeah. >> jimmy: is that based on a person? >> it's kind of loose lly basedn my mom. the character has a boston accent. my mother is not a yeller, but she gets a little stressed sometimes about, she still yells "be careful", when i leave the house, and i'm 48. >> jimmy: well, sure. you have to be careful. do you feel like you are ever more careful as a result of your mother reminding to you be? >> no. >> jimmy: no. >> but isn't it weird that no matter your age when you're home with your parents you just get back into that groove? i do turn into a teenager when i'm with my parents, like oh, my god, i'm so annoyed with them. >> jimmy: do you clean up after yourself when your parents make dinner at your house? >> i do. i didn't when i was a teenager, but i do. i have changed. >> jimmy: you don't completely revert back to teenage hood. >> no, because teenage hood i was feet up on the couch just being like, are you making anybody sandwiches right now? my mother would be like, i'm in bed. i was like, would you get up, though? would you make me one, if you were up, though? >> jimmy: are you still celebrating gallentine's day? the holiday you invented? [cheers and applause] is that still a thing? >> in fact, i'm having dinner after the show, with rashida jones and audrey plaza and kathryn hahn for valentine's day, for which, those of you who don't know, it's an alternative to valentine's day, created by parks and rec. and you shower them with gifts. >> jimmy: there are gifts involved. >> yeah, i didn't think there had to be, but leslie did. it's fun and has caught on even though it's a fake holiday, even though valentine's day is a fake holiday. >> jimmy: there's no male version of this, i guess football would be the male version of this. >> i feel like men are so sensitive now, you could have your own gallentine's version of it and just -- >> jimmy: i have a better idea. maybe we'll drink a gallon of something. we'll just spell it a little bit differently. well, your show was very funny. i can't wait to see it. it's on fox. it's called "duncanville" premieres sunday at 8:30 on fox. we'll be back with david sedaris. ♪ [cheers and applause] onent of t. 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(inhale) brussels sprout. sauerkraut. fresh-caught trout. alfalfa sprout. we are america's kitchen. doordash. every flavor welcome. we are what's the time?n. device: a dime is ten cents. severe cold or flu? take control with theraflu. powerful, soothing relief to defeat your worst cold and flu symptoms fast. device: (sneezes) theraflu. the power is in your hands. charmin ultra soft! it's softer than ever. charmin ultra soft is softer than ever, so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird! enjoy the go with charmin. putting term limits on congress, about washington insiders went crazy. they said term limits are bad, that they'll break government. what a joke! congress is working fine for politicians and corporations, but it's not doing anything for real people on climate, health care or gun safety. the only way we get new ideas is electing new people, including a president willing to shake-up washington. i'm tom steyer and i approve this message. >> jimmy: still to come, superm. our next guest is one of the funniest writers ever. his latest number one best-seller is "calypso" and now, he'll teach you to write one for yourself with his "master class" online. >> got any big plans for the weekend? if it's a question you've heard in a hotel or a store, forget it. there's no place to go with those questions. those are small-talk questions. i like a question like, do you know many people in wheelchairs? good question. >> jimmy: very good question. please say hello to david sedaris. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: how are you? this is -- >> i'm not sure how to sit down in this jacket. >> jimmy: this is quite an ensemble you've put, did you put this together? >> i put it together. because the jacket didn't come with the culottes, or the knee socks but i thought, huh, but it's not actually the strangest part of it. i, my sister amy, you know, she's an actor. >> jimmy: yes. [ applause ] >> she told me that on those award shows, everybody is held together with tape and, like girding. >> jimmy: uh-huh, yes. >> so i watched a little bit of the academy awards and i thought, i wonder if the men are wearing things, too. and yesterday i found out they made spanx for men. i went out and bought some. i'm wearing them right now. i went to the store, and it's like a tee shirt for a baby. that's what it looks like. and i'm wearing it, and i couldn't really button this jacket before. it's fantastic. >> jimmy: it's really something, isn't it? it's a substitute for fitness. >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you on tour right now? you just finishing up your live tour? >> i did a tour of australia. >> jimmy: you did a tour of australia. and you will go on these tours. you will read your work to people, and then you talk to the people afterwards. >> when i first moved to new york i went and saw a play, wallace shawn, a monologue. we walked into the theater and this man shook my hand. it was wallace shawn. he shook everyone's hand as they walked into the theater. when i saw the play, i would never have admitted to myself that the play was slow or dull, because i know him. i was on his side because he shook my hand. so i like to be there early, and then i meet people beforehand. >> jimmy: you find everyone to be interesting in some way, true? >> yeah, i mean, i think if you make people comfortable. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and they can, even, sometimes people come and they want to tell you will a story, and it's not that interesting. >> jimmy: right. >> but there's something behind it, or maybe you, like this woman came, and i said is your dad cheap? and she said oh, my god, how did you know? she said my dad was so cheap that when i was in high school, when people would roll the house, he would make us collect the toilet paper and use it. and, if it got rained on, they had to put it on racks and dry it out. but, can you imagine, you're in high school, and your friends come over, and you have hefty bags in your bathroom, filled with that weirdly textured, rained-on, then dried out toilet paper? and he wouldn't buy anymore until they'd used all that. >> jimmy: for him, it was like money was coming from the sky. i guess that's a positive way to look at it. >> but i love a thing like that. >> jimmy: you have -- yeah, i love it, too. you have this master class, and i wonder, and i was watching, and i am going to watch the whole thing. i think you are win of tone of writers ever. [cheers and applause] and i do love your stuff, but can people really learn how to be funny from watching this? >> uh, i don't know. i mean, i think they can be reminded of certain things. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> you know? quite often, i'll see something, and people will say, no, you didn't. that didn't happen. you didn't see that. and it's like, no, you didn't see it, because you're on your phone every second. coy get i could get on a hotel el vaeter naked and nobody would in the. >> jimmy: have you tried that? >> i was in the hotel, and i saw a guy in the hallway, and he was wearing nothing but a tee shirt, and it was like a woman's tee shirt, and he pulled it down as far as he could. and it was like 2:00 in the morning at a holiday inn in buffalo, and that's, and he was in the hallway, and i think about it to this day, that i should have said, can i give you a towel? because where was he -- i couldn't figure out what the story was. >> jimmy: he got locked out of his room. he made a dash for ice. >> it wasn't his room. >> jimmy: well, then, he was a sexual predator, i guess, and it's probably better that you didn't engage him, but you will engage people, and i will have experiences, intentionally, that other people might not want to have, like, you know, there might be something that sounds terrible, and you will go along with it. >> well, the thing is, that it's a perfect 20way to meet people. so they're standing in line to see you. so you can talk to them in a way, if you were a customer service representative you couldn't talk to people in that same way. >> jimmy: yes. >> when i was in australia, i met this woman. she came through the book signing line, and she said i'm at the age now, when i wake up in the morning, i'm so ugly, my iphone doesn't recognize me. i thought, that must happen to people. you know, that must happen. you would be so insulted, wouldn't you your phone wouldn't recognize you? >> jimmy: do you ever keep in touch with these people? you meet someone and -- >> i have kept in touch with people. i met this guy years ago, and i said what do you do for a living? and he said, i'm mentally ill. and that keeps me pretty busy. [ laughter ] and i, i kept in touch with him. i mean. [ laughter ] yeah, there are a number of people who i've met, you know, because sometimes, and it must be like this for you. you have a family. you have a full-time job. and it must be hard for you to have, like, close friends. you know, like a lot of, but, i kind of like that. can you, they can still be your friend, but they're just your friend that way. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> and maybe you see them once every year and a half for a few minutes. you still think of them as your friends. >> jimmy: yes, yes, i know what you mean. >> to me, that's a great little relationship, you know, you talk to somebody for two minutes, and you learn a little something. they learn a little something. and then we move on. >> jimmy: and that's it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you still writing unusual things in people's books when they come to your signings? >> you know what happens more and more often is people get, i just had a couple books returned to me. >> jimmy: really? >> there was a woman i met in australia. and she said, will you sign a book to let's say robert. i said who's robert? and she said he's my boyfriend. and i said, you know, that's great, but i said don't get too attached to him because he's going to die one day. and then i drew his tombstone in her book, and i took the time, and i drew it really nice. and i drew, and i was talking to her about this and that the whole time. and then she sent the books back to me, you know. how dare you, i know he's going to die. i don't need to be reminded of it, and you think about this the next time you insult somebody. but, an insult to me would be if you came to get a book to signed and i'm like, yeah, i don't know what we're going to, that's an insult. it's not an insult if i talk to you and ask you questions and i said what do you think he's going to die of? >> jimmy: david sedaris. david's lessons are on masterclass.com, and "calypso" is available in paperback now. and we'll return with music from superm. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented bring by the 2020 g-class. mercedes benz, the best or nothing. othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. michael bloomberg is here. vo: leadership in action. mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. obama: at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. bloomberg: i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank jeff ross, amy poehler and david sedaris. apologies to matt damon, "nightline" is next, but first this is their self-titled ep, here with the song "jopping," superm. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ i don't even care [ singing in korean ] ♪ stage left to the right we gon' make it make it bang ♪ ♪ put your hands in the air let me see you bounce to the left to the right ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ round round, round, round, round round, round, round, round 'cause when we jumping ♪ ♪ it's popping we jopping jopping, jopping, jopping you know how we get down ♪ ♪ jopping how we get down jopping how we get down ♪ ♪ 'cause when we jumping and popping we jopping step on the floor ♪ ♪ start a riot where the competition man, it's looking one-sided up like a 7-47 ♪ ♪ we the flyest a lifestyle you should try it ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ make it last front to back yeah, yeah give me that ♪ ♪ give me that give me that the roof's on fire let it burn to an ash ♪ ♪ we gon' keep it jopping tell the dj bring it back now ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ like a paraglide m [ singing in korean ] ♪ in a pair of slides [ singing in korean ] ♪ out to paradise [ singing in korean ] ♪ to a better life ♪ gotta move watch the money monsoon ching, ching make the crowd go wild ♪ ♪ in a small room yeah let me see you put it all on like a costume ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ we love to move it keep it going don't stop it's in your nature ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ girl, what you want [korean lyrics] ♪ we go on and on champagne life that's all you want don't stop letting it go ♪ ♪ 'cause we got that glow you know how we get down oh, jopping how we get down ♪ ♪ jopping how we get down 'cause when we jumping it's popping ♪ ♪ we jopping i don't even care ♪ [korean lyrics] ♪ stage left to the right we gon' make it make it bang ♪ ♪ put your hands in the air let me see you bounce bounce to the left ♪ ♪ to the right [ singing in korean ] ♪ round round, round, round, round round, round, round, round round, round, round, round ♪ ♪ 'cause when we jumping it's popping we jopping oh, you think ya big boy ♪ ♪ throwing three stacks bet i'ma show you how to ball you a mismatch ♪ ♪ what opinionated but i'm always spitting straight facts ♪ ♪ true throw it back i might throw this on an eight-track ♪ ♪ oh [ singing in korean ] ♪ i'm a sight to see so fresh exciting go and drop the beat ♪ ♪ drop, drop we get it jopping the party it don't stop ♪ ♪ don't stop [ singing in korean ] ♪ let's go [ singing in korean ] ♪ we'll keep it jumping and popping here all night jump to the front if you want it ♪ ♪ hands up [ singing in korean ] ♪ don't stop letting it go like you don't care i don't even care i don't even care ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ stage left to the right we gon' make it make it bang ♪ ♪ put your hands in the air let me see you bounce bounce to the left ♪ ♪ to the right [ singing in korean ] ♪ round [ singing in korean ] ♪ hear that sound hear that sound ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ play the music loud music loud ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ 'cause tonight's gonna set you free yeah, yeah i don't even care ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ stage we don't even care left to the right we gon' make it ♪ ♪ make it bang and we make it bang put your hands in the air let me see you bounce ♪ ♪ bounce put your hands in the air come on put your hands in the air ♪ ♪ let me see you bounce to the left to the right ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ round to the left to the right come on ♪ ♪ put your hands in the air i don't even care ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ stage left to the right we gon' make it make it bang ♪ ♪ oh, yeah put your hands in the air let me see you bounce bounce ♪ ♪ to the left to the right ♪ [ singing in korean ] ♪ round 'cause when we jumping it's popping we jopping ♪ ♪ round, round, roun, round round, round, round, round 'cause when we jumping ♪ ♪ it's popping we jopping ♪ [cheers and applause] this is "nightline." >> tonight, victors and vanquished. senator bernie sanders emerging triumphant. >> we're going to nevada. we're going to south carolina. we're going to win those states as well. >> the top vote getters in tonight's first-in-the-nation primary. >> we love you, new hampshire. >> now the former front runners, senator elizabeth warren and joe biden already reevaluating their battle plans, plus, mystery vows. a smiling bride, one month after her children went missing. >> can you tell me where your kids are? >> now new questions