The nominees for the 92nd annual Academy Awards were revealed. It was a big day for 1917. The year, not the movie. Though the movie too. [ laughter ] 19 of the 20 acting nominees are white people. No women were nominated for best director. Thats fewer minorities than in Donald Trumps cabinet. [ laughter ] the movie cats got shut out. So no cats were even nominated. Actually, universal, the studio that made cats, pulled the movie from oscar contention. Which is always funny. They probably didnt need to do that. [ laughter ] thats like mike pence pulling out of contention for a soul train award. Its unnecessary. Double congratulations to Scarlett Johansson who got her first and second ever nominations today. [ cheers and applause ] for Marriage Story and jojo rabbit. Best supporting actress and best actress. Renee zellweger was also nominated for best actress for her role as judy garland in the biopic judy. Which as far as i know does not exist. No one i know has seen that movie. [ laughter ] and maybe the most surprising best picture nominee was ford versus ferrari. This is a movie that was apparently so good even matt damon couldnt ruin it. [ laughter ] running a marathon with a medicine ball strapped to your ass. The big winner today with 11 nominations was the comic book movie joker. Its been a big year for mentally ill clowns already. [ laughter ] and with that said the white house yesterday tweeted their this is their late entry for best picture. They wrote, first snow of the year. You see its a photo. Beautiful photo of snow falling on the white house. Which is fine. Except there was no snow in washington last night or yesterday. [ laughter ] and in fact, it was 70 degrees according to the National Weather service. Even their weather is a lie impeachment will be falling on d. C. This week. The speaker of the house nancy pelosi said shes ready to send the articles of impeachment to the senate. Majority leader Mitch Mcconnell will then take time to digest them through all five of his stomach chambers. Even with damning new evidence coming in all the time on this republicans continue to claim they dont see anything wrong with the way trump handled ukraine. In the same way r. Kelly didnt see anything wrong with a little bum. And grind. You know what im saying . [ laughter ] the president took a field trip tonight to new orleans for the College Football championship game. This is the third College Football game trump has been to this season. This is three more games than he ever watched eric or don jr. Play. [ laughter ] but the Clemson Tigers played the lsu tigers at the superdome. The tigers won. As i predicted they would. So trump was at the game tonight. Hes been trying to get out in front of friendly crowds lately. On thursday he held a pep himself up rally in tliedo during which he again made the preposterous claim that people think hes better than Abraham Lincoln. They put me in a contest with the late great Abraham Lincoln. Right . So who do you like better . Trump or Abraham Lincoln . I said Abraham Lincoln. They say they did a poll on this. I think i remember the numbers. All i know is we won against abraham, honest abe. 5347. You believe that . Jimmy no, i dont. [ laughter ] i dont believe it. Maybe it happened but i still dont believe it. But go on. I went back to the first lady, i said first lady, i just beat Abraham Lincoln in a poll. [ laughter ] jimmy he called the first lady first lady . [ laughter ] first lady. First lady, come give president daddy a kiss right on the lips. Trump also a week after almost running us into a war loudly complained that he didnt win the nobel prize for peace. I mean, im going to tell you about the Nobel Peace Prize. Ill tell you about that. I made a deal. I saved a country. And i just heard that the head of that country is now getting the Nobel Peace Prize for saving the country. [ laughter ] jimmy well, maybe we should blow them up, i guess. I dont know. [ laughter ] so far this week hes taken credit for saving ethiopia and curing cancer. He also landed that plane on the hudson. You remember the media said it was Sully Sullenberger but i know for a fact it was trump all the way. Meanwhile, the Vice President you know when your grandpa comes to visit you give him a project to keep him occupied so he doesnt get any trouble . For mike pence that project involves rocket ships. President trump launched the first new branch of our armed forces in 70 years, the united i States Space Force has arrived [ laughter ] jimmy then they put him in a box full of packing peanuts and shipped him home. [ laughter ] you know, in england they are going crazy in england right now because prince harry and Meghan Markle have decided to drop out of the royal family. So there was an emergency meeting of the majesties today to discuss this. The queen held a meeting with the whole family at one of her country estates. I would have loved to have been a fly on the cucumber sandwiches for that one, ill tell you that. This is causing a lot of consternation in the uk. The queen is said to be disappointed and hurt by the decision, which is i just dont understand. Let me get this straight. The royal familys upset that harry and meghan want to move out and become financially independent. Isnt that every parents dream . [ laughter ] to not have their 35yearold kid still living with them. Speaking of announcements, this is making the rounds. This is from a High School Basketball game in minnesota. One of the commentate ov yaiato whatever reason decided it was a good time to eulogize his dog. His dog passed away and he picked the exact right moment to mention it. Well, theres one more gone but not forgotten and thats our sweet daisy or our sweet lucy. At the age of 12 she was run over oh, yes in our driveway. Oh like that . Was she run over like that . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i have a i dont know. I have about 100,000 questions about this. Why choose that moment to eulogize your dog . You couldnt do it at the half . Youre doing play by play for a High School Basketball game. Who is even watching . Is lucy watching from heaven . [ laughter ] going boy, is he ever going to mention me . And then his partner on the broadcast, he doesnt care about lucy at all. Lucy must have bit him or something. Because i can do an eightpart investigative mini series on this. Im telling you. This is one i have a lot of questions about too. This is from one for the ladies out there who are single and may be looking for a wealthy man. This is a real tweet from a real japanese billionaire. His name is yusaku meizawa. He says, wanted. Why not be the first woman to travel to the moon . Hes looking for a woman to go with him on the first spacex trip to the moon, which i think makes him the worlds richest loser, right . [ laughter ] i mean, i bet an exgirlfriend told him she wants some space and he took it literally. [ laughter ] i wonder if hed accept a couple as his companions because this may be an easy way out for harry and meghan. Or jared and ivanka maybe. I think its safe to say that asking a woman to go to the moon with you is a first. And if all this sounds like the premise of a ridiculous reality dating show, thats because if i have my way it will be soon. From the creators of the bachelor and the bachelorette comes a new show thats out of this world. This season, finding love is rocket science. I dont know if anyones ever kissed while floating in space. Reporter one eccentric billionaire. I am from japan. Reporter 12 women who are over the moon for him. You need to risk it for the biscuit and he looks like a really [ bleep ] hot biscuit. Reporter can one lucky lady bring him back down to earth . Weve got a hot tub. Oh, i didnt see the hot tub. This season were boldly going there. Emily is not a big drinker smep rarely drinks and when she does she gets drunk off of like half a beer. On the space bachelor. Houston, we have a hookup. Jimmy i like it. [ cheers and applause ] i would watch it. I say we shoot them all into space. Back on earth, this is week two of bachelor peters amazing journey and the good news is everyone seems to be there for the right reasons. The bad news is the ladies are fighting. There was a showdown tonight between kelsey and hana ann. Basically, kelsey brought a bottle of champagne she bought in des moines. Shed been saving it for a special moment. She assumed that moment would be with peter. So she had it all iced ip and ready to go. And then hannah ann resumably by mistake or more likely she was duped by the producers into opening the champagne with peter, which made kelsey, who really loved this bottle of champagne, very upset. You know what . Hey. I have to say something. Its not okay what you did. I set this up. I brought this bottle from des moines. Dont try to play dumb. I didnt know. [ bleep ]. You knew. I didnt know. Tammy just went over here and told me. Bring tammy here. Because this was my i had no idea. I would have never done that. I had no idea. Okay. Im over it. Kelsey, can i talk to you for a second . Jimmy oh, it sounds like such a good idea when you get signed up to be the bachelor and then you meet all real champagne in the a like kelsey. Then peter tried to make things right. They got another bottle and opened it and it went like this. There you go. That had some speed on it. Show me what you got. Oh. [ laughter ] jimmy boy, you hate to theyre all made up, dressed up. Lets look at that again if we could. Lets see. Yeah. Its in and back on. So kelsey, as you might guess, did not get sent home. Peter whittled it down to 19 women tonight. One of the most important skills a bachelor has to have is the ability to end a relationship. So we decided because we like to help to send peter to the grove, which is a lovely mall a few miles away from here. We put him on an escalator and we exposed him to a stream of strangers and encouraged him to break up with them. Well, nothing makes perfect like practice. Hi. Hey. I think deep down we both know this is never going to work. So when we get down there i think im just going to walk out of this escalator and out of your life forever. All right . Why are you following me . I just feel like weve shared so much in these last three seconds. What . Okay. Its been like an amazing journey for me. Okay. And i want you to know that. But i think im going to have to let you go now. So. Okay. I never felt so close to someone before. Yeah. I dont want to be here. Didnt our love mean anything to you . Are you here for the right reasons . I think i want to start riding with other people. Just so you know, its not you. Its me. But also you a little bit. You heading down, sir . We can ride together. Are you here for the right reasons . Dont speak english. [ laughter ] communication has always been with us. This this has been amazing. Like our love has been amazing. Just our relationship in general has been amazing to me. The look he just gave me. See you escalator. Okay . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy tonight on the show weve got music from saint molt. Zach woods is here. And well be right back with tim allen dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by progressive. There he is. Oh, wow. Youre doing, uh, youre doing really great with the twirling. Dad, if you want to talk, i have a break at 3 00. Okay, okay. Im going. Im gone. Like like i wasnt here. [ horn honks ] keep keep doing it, buddy. Switch to progressive and you can save hundreds. You know, like the sign says. Switch to progressive and you can save hundreds. Pringles wavy. With a big crunch and totally different flavors, theyre not really pringles. Just like thats not really daddy. Yes, it is. Ok. Pringles wavy. Big crunch. Big flavor. You can get both an unlimited plan paul sprint has great news for you and your family. sprintern . And the powerful new iphone 11 paul . Included for just 35 a month when you switch. sprintern whoa, what a deal paul now, thats a way to take it to 11. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Seaonly abreva cany to help sget rid of it in. As little as 2 1 2 days when used at the first sign. Abreva starts to work immediately to block the virus and protect healthy cells. Abreva acts on it. So you can too. Delivered to your car door so you can do more. Try drive up at target. Feels so good feels so good target run and done. Oh, pete . cmon man. What . We said pantyhose right . Here, eat this. Creamy snickers®. You could use a little smoothness. Pete . Pete zagarene . Get smooth with the freshground nut butters in creamy snickers®. For your worst sore throat pain, try Vicks Vapocool drops. Its not candy, its powerful relief. Ahhh vaporize sore throat pain with Vicks Vapocool drops and try new vapocool spray. I wrote this a long time ago. I dont know how old i was. I hope someday i will be on a real football team. Im katie sowers, offensive assistant coach for the San Francisco 49ers. Im not just here to be the token female, im here to help us win. The surface pro helps me get whats in my head and get it out on to the field. I would want to tell this little girl to keep pushing herself, your dreams coming. Blow a kiss into the sun we need someone to lean on blow a kiss into the sun all we needed somebody to lean on [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. Welcome back to the show. Tonight from the brand new hbo comedy show avenue 5 zach woods is here with us. Then this is their e. P. Its called the original Motion Picture soundtrack part 1. Saint motel from the mercedesbenz stage. And i feel i should mention that you can see saint motel live january 24th at the observatory in santa ana. Tomorrow night, Allison Janney and ilana glazer will be here. With music from scary pool party. And later this week, newly minted oscar nominees charlize theron, florence pugh, and al pacino, from succession golden globe winner brian cox, comedian todd glass and music from nicky jam featuring daddy yankee. So please join us for all of that. Our first guest tonight is a golden globewinning actor with a wildly successful career that was built on nail guns and ray guns. His show last man standing airs thursday nights on fox. Please welcome tim allen. [ cheers and applause ] how are you . Oh, god. Pretty good after all that. What a band jimmy thank you. Thats cleto and the cletones. May i ask a personal question just to get started . Looks like its going to go anyway. What do you want . Jimmy does your wife ever give you a massage . [ laughter ] why is that funny . [ laughter ] but it is creepy guillermos massage. I was back there going no, she doesnt. Jimmy well, guillermo just told me his wife gives him a massage once every two months and i found that almost you want to see it . Jimmy well, yeah, i want to city it because i dont believe its really happening. I dont believe shes putting her heart into it either. You want to go see some other guy get a massage from his wife. Thats just creepy right there. [ laughter ] jimmy i want us to go see another guy get a massage from his wife. A close friend. You invite me it turns it around, im all in baby. Jimmy you know youre here on bachelor monday. I was informed of that. Jimmy do you watch the bachelor . Oh, cant get enough of it. I just kept thinking in a room with 30 women initially, how do you even figure out whos who without badges . I mean, how do they know whos no . Jimmy no idea. I think i watched the first season. The only reality tv i do is for gags. I watch auto shows where they build cars. And then a buddy of mine saw naked and afraid. And the reason i watch that is i said is there ever a point that his job is to blur out mens sacs . Thats his job . [ laughter ] so he says its hour after hour of this. Jimmy thats how he does it . Well, theres dials. Jimmy and im the weirdo . Its older equipment. But youve got to roll by these scenes, just nut sac after nut sac after nut sac. And i asked him, john, does tfr get to the point you actually say people get used to everything, right . Do you ever go, well, yeah . Of all of the nut sacs you see do you finally go not a bad one . [ laughter ] from this angle do you ever go he goes, yeah, i do. Hell bring other guys in. Hey, guys. Paul. Look at the guy walking up the hill. Not bad, huh . They turn over equipment a lot. People dont stay there. Jimmy that seems like a job that when you get thank you go oh, wow, this will be fun. I get to watch all the naked people all the time. He says the most impressive guys, if you can see it while hes walking away. And i said i never thought about it but think about it. [ laughter ] if you see it if hes walking away you go, man, now that would be a problem sitting down. [ laughter ] the ugliest stuff ever invented. God must have been out of the room for that. Jimmy i like to imagine a universe in which theres another show but on that show theyre blurring everything but the nut sac. [ laughter ] yes, it is. Its on history channel. Its called scrotunus. [ laughter ] jimmy really . Its very new. Jimmy have you ever done a nude scene in a film or no. I think its funny about nude scenes because nancy travis, who plays my wife on last man standing. Thursday on fox, owned by abc now i think. Jimmy yes. We own everything now. Disney owns you and everything. When women are in this business, men dont get it that much. Could you do one with your top off . Thats our joke on our set. Just do one like sometimes the writers go just do one as written. I go no, if i do it as written then youll use it. They also say women just do one she says she got asked that a lot early in her career when they dont know to say no. Were not going to use it. Just one with your top off. I was thinking did that ever go back in history . Like david and michelangelo. The statue guy. Did michelangelo ever get there, hey, dave. David, right . Could we do one without the tunic . [ laughter ] why would you want were not going to use it. Because i want to get the shape of the buttocks area. But its really cold here, michael. He goes yeah, i can see that. Were going to have to but its not like were going to use it and put it into a church or anything. Jimmy or put it in Caesars Palace. Yeah, were not going to put it in Caesars Palace sitting there with the thing there. Jimmy you got toy story 4 got two Oscar Nominations today. Yeah. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy best animated feature. Best song. I saw you and your little boy at the premiere. Jimmy thats right. It was the most exciting movie because hanks and i are close buddies because of this. Real sad at the end. I dont know if youve seen it, to infinity and beyond. But great movie. It was so great to reboot it. And it got better and better. Its sad. But too much of keanu reeves. Ive got to be honest with you. Jimmy i disagree. That kaboom character was pretty funny, right . Jimmy very funny. And i didnt like that. Jimmy oh. And he was cooler than buzz at a point. And the writers go yeah, but hes only this big. Oh. The toy is this big. So we go see a premiere. Keanu and i. Jimmy where did you go to . We saw that premiere. They wanted us to see it. I hadnt seen it. He shows up, id just finished wick 3. Jimmy watching it. Yeah. 700 murders in a minute. Id never seen more murders. He calls it a ballet of violence. What does that mean . But hes sitting next to me, hes dressed, he looks just like wick. Hes got this beard and this hair and the same fricking clothes. A little creepy. And hes doing a toy movie, satellite so i go into this whole thing, keanu, heres what i would do if i was in the movie, if i was one of the villains id say hey, look, lets keep him out of enclosed spaces. Like wick, you dont want to get him in a factory or god knows a bar. Because thats where he shot like 7,000 people in a minute. What i would do is wait till you come out of your house because you have a little dog you walk. Id ab cross the street with a big rifle and id just pick you off coming out of the house. He doesnt even blink. He goes, wick would know you were there. [ laughter ] yeah. Hes the nicest guy in the world, too. Which i hate. Nothing not to like about him. Jimmy speaking of nicest guys in the world i know you do something every year with a group of fellow comics at the laugh factory. Yeah. Jimmy where you guys feed the homeless and people who are less fortunate, people who need a meal at the holidays. Did you do that this year . Do it every year. Jamie masada, done this for 30 years. Its great. Number one, its great to pal around with the guys that used to work at the laugh factory, still work there. You get people, hundreds. My wife and i go with our kids. Ive got some nevenews and nieces that all go and im on the light meat, shes on the dark meat. I dont want to get politically. Theres just a part of the turkey thats darker meat and happens to be a part of the turkey with lighter meat. But anyway you get people in there at the end of the night youve got to be on stage. Jamie goes go up and do a few jokes. Ive got an apron on made out of plastic with gloves and im doing bits to homeless people. So everything is annoying. I go, so im in my house well, we have a house. Im driving to work well, i have a car. You know, i have a car. Or work. But out of nowhere you get people a guy comes through the line, he comes through like six times. You want some more turkey . Anything you want. He goes, do you have an agent . Yeah. State farm . I make my joke. No, an agent agent yeah. I go easy, pal. He goes ive got a script. Right away hes got a script. He said this is homeless, not jobless. He came by like six times. Now hes youve got to have . Connections in this business jimmy oh, no. Across the street the starbucks i go there all the time, theres a homeless guy there, i feed him. He shows up at coldwater behind another starbucks, comes out from a dumpster same guy. How did you get over there . Hes uncomfortable because he remembers my face, i remember his face. He says hey, i dont want any more tomato business basil, dont do that. Another starbucks i dgo in the guys going ballistic in there, f, this f that. B word, c word. Hes screaming at the staff. F bomb, bomb. Every word. And im trying to get by like this. And he stops and goes, hey love your new show. [ laughter ] jimmy tim allen is here. His show is called last man standing. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] burrito. Raw kitfo. Fried shiso. French fry. Iced chai. Tasty. Pad thai. Baked pie. Half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. Baby back. Pork chop. Soda pop. Kebab. Soursop. Hot pot. Im hungry now. Noodle soup. Cantaloupe. Ice cream scoop. Whipped cream bloop. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. And those crispy onion rings. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. To deal with the problem. Icians but they wouldnt. So we took it to the voters and forced big tobacco to pay its share of healthcare costs. We fought Oil Companies for new clean air laws and closed a billion dollar Corporate Tax loophole to fund public schools. By going directly to the people we got results. Thats not something you see a lot of from washington these days. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. Lets make change happen. Jimmy we are back with tim allen. Zach woods and saint motel are on the way. That dudes got to calm down. Youre going to hurt yourself. All that screaming. You got to see this crowd, people at home. They get lit up. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy theres a lot of enthusiasm here. Speaking of enthusiasm and speaking of screaming, do you know about this guy . Theres a guy, his name is malcolm. Oh, the grunting kid. Jimmy yes. The grunting kid. Now, i think its best to let malcolm explain what hes up to for himself. Here we go. I was making a video to announce my new series im doing called tim allen grunt every day. Where i make a video of myself doing a tim allen grunt every day until tim allen recognizes me and does a grunt of his own. Jimmy you saw by the date thats almost three years ago. This guy has made like 1,000 videos. Lets look at some of what hes done. [ grunts ]. [ various grunts ]. [ applause ] jimmy i feel like and honestly i think you can handle this any way you want. With a security guard. Jimmy i feel like theres no end to this for this poor bastard. Now that hes committed to, it this could go on to his senior years. So would you be willing to give him the grunting acknowledgment he has been seeking . [ cheers and applause ] as long as there are witnesses here when it goes bad you end up in court. Mr. Kimmel, what were you thinking when you brought this guy to tims house . Jimmy i dont know. We were just on the way to watch guillermo get a massage. Whats his name . Jimmy his names malcolm. So malcolm. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy malcolm, i hope that ends it. You can now get on with your life. You can find a spouse, maybe have a family. [ laughter ] and who knows . Maybe even a job would be nice. That would be good. Jimmy tim allen, everybody last man standing airs thurgs nights 8 00 on fox. Well be right back with zach woods. Being a person is complicated. But we figure it out. In fact, people are always doing impressive things. So how come all these people who do wildly challenging things feel like they cant do their taxes . Were talking about a bunch of babybirthing, officediscoing, zerogravitytoothbrushing, latenightchainsawsculpting, dogwalking people. We believe people can be good at anything. Yes, even taxes. Intuit. Turbotax. Yes, even taxes. So the thing no one tells you about tampons . You gotta change sizes to match your flow. Only tampax pearl makes five. So if it hurts to remove . Go down a size. Leaking . Go up one. And every size has our leakguard braid for backup protection. Find your flow combo with tampax. Hvr dips. You either love it or you really love it. Wheyou want relief. Fast. 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When you want an actual meal for just four bucks, we got you at wendys. Americas getting sicker. Sick of donald trump, there are one million more uninsured americans every year under trump. And hes repeatedly tried to repeal obamacare. Mike bloomberg will make sure everyone without Health Coverage can get it, and everyone who likes theirs, keep it. While capping fees to lower costs. As mayor, he helped expand coverage to seven hundred thousand more people. And championed womens reproductive health. As president , hell give access to everyone. Im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. Dicky and now cisco presents a Jimmy Kimmel Live celebrity runin of the night. Hello. Im cameron. Im from orange, california. So this happened a few years ago. We were driving down the street and we stopped at a red light and my cousin starts screaming look, look, look. And in the car next to us its mick jagger. So we asked for his photo. We go, mick jagger, can we take your photo . And the woman in the car next to us she giggles a little bit and mick throws up the peace sign. We snap a photo and we go on our way. Later that evening were happily showing our family the picture and my uncle goes this is not mick jagger. This is steven tyler. [ laughter ] still nice to meet him. I guess. Dicky we dont believe you. whistling schools are having acrto cut sports. Y, im tony the tiger and im on a mission to fix that. Bring back the tigers. Your mighty, mighty tigers. [cheering sounds] buy a box and help all kids be tigers. worried im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up ill pick it up theyre clean raps cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmin ultra strong just cleans better. Enjoy the go with charmin. You can get both an unlimited plan paul sprint has great news for you and your family. sprintern . And the powerful new iphone 11 paul . Included for just 35 a month when you switch. sprintern whoa, what a deal paul now, thats a way to take it to 11. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Aveeno® with prebiotic striple oat complex balances skins microbiome. So skin looks like this and you feel like this. Aveeno® skin relief. Get skin healthy™ did you know this is where you can harness your inner jedi . And tear around radiator springs . Or get your flex on with the incredibles. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. Jimmy welcome back. Still to come, music from saint motel. You know our next guest from Silicon Valley and the office and now he stars with hugh laurie and josh gad in the new comedy avenue 5. It premieres sunday night on hbo. Please welcome zach woods. [ cheers and applause ] how are you . Im good. How are you . Jimmy im good. Youre so funny on the office and Silicon Valley. Which is one miof my favorite shows. Yeah. Im sad about that. Jimmy we both are. Probably you more than me. Yeah. It was my livelihood. Jimmy this turned very dark all of a sudden. On that last day with the gang there did you say, do you guys promise to keep in close contact and then not . Yeah. Theres a lot of sentimental pledges that are already being violated. Jimmy oh, by the way, i do want to mention kumail nanjiani, who i think is going to be here next week, your costar, your friend. Yeah. I love him. Jimmy he is now very fit, very muscular. This is not im not kidding. When i saw he posted this photograph i thought he glued his head onto somebody elses body. [ laughter ] it looks like it. Have you ever been to the logo state fair and there are wooden cutouts where its like a body and you just put your head on top. It does look like that. Its weird because im sort of a huggy guy and i hug those guys all the time and hugging kumail, its so weird to feel somebodys body one way and then hug them its like its like if you had a teddy bear and you were used to just hugging the teddy bear and one day that teddy bear was replaced with like a tightly packed pack of like frozen hot dogs. [ laughter ] like whats that . His wife said something about like he has corners now. [ laughter ] jimmy would you ever do something for a film . Would you ever get into no. Jimmy what they call kimmel shape, i guess . [ laughter ] kimmel out. No, i would never kimmel out. I think i view my body as just basically a shelf for my head. And i cant im so easily injured. I try to do inner work, though. Ill work on myself. Jimmy inner workouts . Yeah. Thats right. I go to therapy. Jimmy okay. Thats my gym. And ive also just been to every kind of quack healer on the face of the planet. Jimmy oh, really . Yeah. I was working in london and i went to see a shaman. I dont know if youve ever done that before. Jimmy nope. Dont recommend it. I laid down on the massage table and she waved a hawks feather over me. My eyes were shut. And then i heard a noise and i opened them and she had the hawks feather like this and she was looking at her phone. Shed gotten a text message and was checking it as she sort of haphazardly was waving the hawks feather. Then she told me that in a past life i was an angry woman. [ laughter ] jimmy wow. Thats pretty broad. Nothing more specific. I was like do you have any more information . No. She goes, you were a woman and you were mad. [ laughter ] and then i went to a hypnotist. Jimmy okay. I just want to say jimmy hypnotism, i wouldnt put that in the category of shamanism or whatevers going on there, right . Well, i think theres a legitimate form of hypnotism. Its not the form i encountered. Jimmy what form did you encounter . She did this thing where she was like im going to do your hypnotism but im going to do it through headphones. Had me lie down. Headphones. And did the hypnotism through a microphone so i could listen to it in the future and be hypnotized. So she put on these wave signs and i start to feel very relaxed and she goes, as i couldnt down from 10 youll feel yourself slipping deeper, deeper. And she goes, 10, 9 and then the wave sounds cut out because she had like a tech glitch on her computer. And i just heard through the headphones she goes, oh, [ bleep ]. She goes, [ bleep ]. Like at 8. And then she goes she goes well fix it in post. Jimmy wow. And did you go home and listen to it . No. Jimmy did it have any positive effect . No. Because she charged me 900. Jimmy what . I didnt know that. And i was too like ashamed of the whole thing. I was just like, take it. Jimmy where did you grow up . Where are you from . Im from yardley, pennsylvania. Which is like yeah. Jimmy theres no way. Theres no way. Jfr jimmy i heard pennsylvania. Just a collection of liars. [ laughter ] yeah, its right on the Delaware River across from trenton, new jersey. Jimmy what are they famous for . Just you or anything else . Have you ever seen that famous picture of Washington Crossing the delaware and theres that ice . George washington. Jimmy of course. That happened very near to where i grew up. And every year at christmas it was on christmas washington crossed to fight the hessians at trenton. And every christmas they reenact that. And its a big deal. And theres these guys, theyre very strin jengent of the stand of like historical authenticity. So i went one year, and when you drive by you see these guys who have been rejected because theyre not authentic enough. So youll see like all these guys who are wearing like, you know, deer skin frocks and have muskets but theyre wearing like new balance sneakers. [ laughter ] and just like sadly like checking their phones on the side. And if its too if the river is frozen, they dont go across the river. They just carry the boat across a bridge. Which i think is a little bit of a copout. Jimmy yeah. If you cant accept new balance sneakers, you certainly shouldnt be dragging the boat. Thats right. And because washington is always played by an old man i think they die fairly often or at least retire. So they have to be replaced. Jimmy i see. Yeah. Jimmy and is it an honor, the town choose yeah. Its a big deal. I hope its like a really sleazy process like smokefilled back rooms. Jimmy do you ever you will ever be a part of it . Have you been a part of it . As the most prominent actor from their town certainly you should be george washington. The father of our country. I think im of more a sort of starved abe lincoln. [ laughter ] but ive never done a reenactment. The closest i did is a friend invited me to a ren fair once. He said were going in garb. I said i dont know what that means but i think were supposed to wear a costume. I didnt have time so i went to a costume shop and bought a wizard costume. And i put it on to go to the ren fair but then i got lost. And im not a good driver. And i got in a small accident and i ended up on a traffic island and if someone had looked over they would have just seen me in a wizard outfit in a subaru crosscheck like rifling through my glove compartment for my insurance with like a brene brown audio book xwlaft iblasti. Jimmy its like a goiko commercial they cut. Yes. Thats right. Thats very funny. Jimmy so you are on this new show avenue 5. Which is written by armando eye nuchi. Hes the creator of the show and veep as well. Another fantastic show. Hes amazing. Jimmy and i love the idea of this show. The show takes place 40 years in the future and its about a luxury space cruise that gets knocked off course. And very quickly civilization on the ship sort of disintegrates. Its almost like a Gilligans Island if it turned into a lord of the flies in space. Its one of those shows. Jimmy are you a space guy . Are you interested in that kind of stuff . No. Im not especially interested. Like but my father, who grew up during the space race, for him when he talks about space its like he turns into a little boy. He loves it so much. And when i was little he did this thing. In our attic there was this closet and he put glow in the dark stars on the roof of the closet and then he rigged the switchboard with lights so that if you turned a switch a light would go on and there was all these lights. And he put headphones in there so that i could put on the headphones. And he would be outside with a microphone and he would be like mission control. And we would play these space games. And i would just like to take this chance now on national tv to say, why didnt you just take me to chuck e. Cheese . [ laughter ] jimmy well, thats one way of looking at it. I mean, jimmy, they have skeeball there. Why do i have to play in n. Some manmade monument to his love . Jimmy my dad used to give me a hefty bag and wed cut weeds. Are you sure your dads not a stoner . That sounds very stony to me. You might want to go through his stuff. He heard about some they were taking volunteers for a oneway mission to mars, which is just like you head off to mars and the expectation su never come back. And he was like, id do that. Jimmy really . And i was like what are you talking about . I dont want to look at the night sky and be like i wonder if my dads there. Jimmy well, theres a japanese billionaire id like to introduce him to. Its very good to see you. I cant way wait to see the new show. Its called avenue 5. It premieres sunday at 10 00 on hbo. Zach woods, everybody. Well be right back with saint motel. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by the 2019 aclass. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy i want to thank everyone who participated in tonights show. Apologies to matt damon. Nightline is next. But first, this is their album the original Motion Picture soundtrack part 1. Here with e song van horn, saint motel [ cheers and applause ] ooh ooh ooh ohh thug life baby it chose me i didnt choose this city uhhuh walk right over youre a ten im a Fourleaf Clover well tell me do you hate me or do you wanna date me its kinda hard to tell cause your eyes are looking crazy so why you coming over anything but sober lookin like its time tonight for fight or flight in van horn well hold it steady drill it in like youre j. Paul getty uhhuh smith and wesson takin shots thatll keep you guessing well tell me do you hate me or do you wanna date me its kinda hard to tell cause your eyes are looking crazy so why you coming over anything but sober lookin like its time tonight for fight or flight in van horn ooh whacha gonna do van horn whacha gonna do ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh well tell me do you hate me or do you wanna date me its kinda hard to tell cause your eyes are looking crazy so why you coming over anything but sober lookin like its time tonight for fight or flight in van horn ooh whacha gonna do van horn whacha gonna do [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. Tonight. Bucking tradition. The royal deal. After that stunning announcement by prince harry and wife duchess meghan. What may have driven the couple away. And from one brother to another their response to rumors of a relationship turned sour. Plus, modern baby. Never too shy. Amy schumer bringing home the hardship of infertility and shining a spotlight on ivf. A reality faced by millions of people across the world. As we follow one couples emotional ivf journey. Fortunately, i dont have to deliver any bad news because you are pregnant. Reporter and happy