[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you very much. Hi, everybody. Its too much already. Thanks. Please, sit, relax, relax. Welcome to [ cheers and applause ] thats very nice. Thank you. All right, sit, sit. Its embarrassing. Hey, welcome to the Howard Gillman opera house at the Brooklyn Academy of music. Isnt it fantastic thank you for having us here in brooklyn, new york. Thank you for coming out to see us. This is our third time in brooklyn. Last time we were here, you people asked, would we ever come back. And i to open 2,000 new cold press you shops. And you did. Its especially nice to do our show here before they turn it into a whole foods store. [ laughter ] i was born here in brooklyn, i grew up in mill basin. [ cheers and applause ] i went to ps 236 on avenue u u u did my first major drug deal outside the alexandra. Its great to be back. Do you like our set, by the [ applause ] this is a special set built specially for you. Th there was a play going on here until saturday night. So our crew flew in from l. A. And met with our other crew from new york, started loading equipment into the theater at 2 00 a. M. Yesterday morning. They worked 22 hours straight to set everything up and get it going. They literally had no sleep till brooklyn. Thats right, give them a round of applause. If it wasnt for this crew and the miracle of methamphetamines, none of us would be here tonight. Wed be picking through wiffle balls at models. No trip anywhere would be complete without my tequila monster. Wheres guillermo . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy guillermo, is there anything you would like to say to the 2,000 people who gathered here tonight to see you in this ridiculous outfit . Thank you for coming fugeta about it jimmy i know. Welcome, guillermo. I want to get real with you for a moment here, if i could. When we decided to bring this show back to brooklyn, of course we wanted to make it special. So the first request my band leader cleto and i made was to a very special person, someone we grew up watching every night on tv. Someone who, i dare say, we idolized. A man who has more soul than ever crossed over the imaginary line that divides our two great nations, a supernaturally gifted performer who popped from that big red maple leaf to the big red apple were in the core of right now and never looked back, a Legendary Music man, the kick at David Lettermans side for 33 years, please welcome mr. Paul shaffer. Thank you, everybody im here all week. Im doing what we call in showbusiness, a mini residency. My mini residency, all week. Ill be with you, sir. Well, thank you for being our mini resident. Thanks for having me. Jimmy paul shaffer, everybody. Fantastic show for you tonight. And all this week. Amy schumer is here with us, music from the lcd soundsystem, and blessed to have dj chaled in the house tonight. Whats your favorite dj khaledkl song . Money on my mind and i cant get enough every i step up in the building everybodys hand go upa and they stay down, and they stay down, and they stay down dj khaled. Jimmy i know were not going to top that. And in honor of the show being in brooklyn, all of the jokes were written by hand in biodegradable parchment, using natural ink sustained f harvestedlingen berries. Its all artisanal tonight. One of the great things about taking your show on the road is meeting new people. There are no better people to meet than the people here in brooklyn, so we thought it might be fun to take a smaller version of our show on the actual road. I got a taxi cab and a driver and a little desk and none other than paul shaffer to drive around and find guests to interview for a mini talk show in a taxi here in brooklyn. [ honking ] how ya doing . Im doing okay. Whats your name . Mamdou. Hello, im paul. Nice to see you. Jimmy, how are you . Jimmy im doing well. Lets pick some people up and interview them. What do you say . Awesome. Thats wonderful. Jimmy paul, some pickingup music. Sure. Live from my cab, kimmel live all right. Jimmy you know what i hope we get, our customer, a man with no shirt on. We gonna try. Jimmy theres a guy him. Need a cab, sir . How about her . Oh, yes, yes. Jimmy hi there. Hello. Jimmy our first guest is wearing a pink skirt. Oh, how you doing . Jimmy doing well. Whats your name . Alisa hollis. Jimmy ladies and gentlemen, alisa hollis. Im like, yeah, okay. Jimmy where are you headed . Im right at high land park. Jimmy high land park. Everything good . Everything is good. Jimmy any new projects . Working on my daughter. Jimmy hows that going . Its a work in progress. You know when your children have children, they dont want you to have too much input. Jimmy are you being overbearing grandmother . Thats what she says. Jimmy well, that can hap can we call your daughter and get to the bottom of whats going on here . I would love to speak to her. I think thats really the only way youre going to work things out. People have to communicate. She might get offended. Jimmy she might get offended, but she might not. So let me talk to her and well see how it goes. Just dial her up. Whats your grandchilds name . Neron. Hello . Jimmy hi, sharon, its jimmy kimmel and paul shaffer, were here with your mom. For real . For real . Jimmy your mother told me shes been annoying you too much. Telling you what to do with your children. And that sometimes reresentful. Yeah. Jimmy so your mother said shes going to try to understand your point of view and respect that is, and in return, all she would like is that for you to understand that it all comes from a good place. She know i love her, but jimmy did you love her a little too much . Maybe. Jimmy is that neron in the background . No. Jimmy well, she loves him more than she loves you. Oh, this is it right here. Bye, sharon. Thanks so much for being here. Glad we could really iron things out and well see you real soon. Thank you. [ applause ] we have a customer over here. I recognize this guy. Hey you got to be kidding me. Did you need a ride . Ill take the next one. Its me ill take the next one. Jimmy bye, biff. People change, you know. Jimmy you got one . Our next guest is wearing a red and white striped shirt. Come on in. What is your name . My name is emily. Oh, my gosh. Hi. Jimmy please welcome emily. [ laughter ] live from my car, Jimmy Kimmel Live hi. Jimmy safety first. How are you . Im good. Just back from the pool. Jimmy do you have any anecdotes about that . Im a synchronized stwimer. Jimmy you are . Where are the others . I was synchronizing with myself today. Jimmy can you do that . Synchronized swimming is with the muchk as well as with each other. Jimmy what song do you swim to . Right now, were swimming to uptown funk. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy bruno mars under water. I played a little updown funk, could you simulate . A land drill . Jimmy maybe ill learn it with you. Uptown funk gonna give it to you dont believe me just watch thats about all i can do. Thats really good. Jimmy do you have a clip on your phone . I do. Jimmy would everyone like to see that . Id love to. Jimmy okay, great. Jimmy, you cant see it, but theres an actual synchronized swim going on right now. You should check it out. Jimmy you guys are swimming exactly the same way. Thank you so much for being here. It was you know what that is . May sound crazy but it aint no lie baby byebye byebye bye jimmy no tip, emily . [ applause ] look whos here, mammadou is here. Oh, everybodys here. How about that thank you guys for riding with us. Tonight on the show, music from lcd soundsystem, dj khaled is here and well be right back with amy schumer, from the Brooklyn Academy of music [ cheers and applause ] sarah every year we take a remember nashville . Both kimchi bbq amazing honkytonk i cant believe you got us tickets i did. I didnt pay for anything. sigh you never do. Send me what i owe. Ive got it. I mean, you did find money to buy those boots. alert beep are you serious . Is that why you dont like them . Those boots could make a unicorn cry. Yeah tears of joy. groan pay back a friend day is october 17th. Get the bank of america mobile banking app today. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx [ [ all ] by simon anbees funkel ] [ all ] bees the volkswagen atlas. With easyaccess 3rd row. Lifes as big as you make it. Whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. Nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. And all day all night protection. When it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. Watch this watch this watch this watch this get an instant pot or air sale fryer just 99. 99 cuddl duds sheets or throws 29. 99 plus take an extra 20 off when you spend 100 or more youll get kohls cash too. Right now at kohls. With the Alaska Airlines visa signature card you get a companion ticket every year. So why not take someone that you see all the time. Someone like, i dunno, me . I mean i always spell your name right and put a little unicorn in your foam. No pressure but i really need to get out of here. Theyve been playing the same playlist for three months and im pretty sure youre not supposed to eat scones for dinner this many days in a row. Mexico, hawaii, costa rica, i dont really know. Im a quick packer. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we are here in brooklyn, new york. Thats paul shaffer sitting in with the cletones. Paul will with be us all week. Tonight on our show tomorrow night he can be seen on the title x the benefit concert, its the we the best, dj khaled is here with us. And then this is their latest album, its called american dream. Brooklyns own lcd soundsystem from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night, David Letterman will be here and well have music from fifth harmony, and later this week, howard stern, billy joel, woody harrelson, cardi b, tony bennett and a number of surprise visitors, too, whose names i cannot reveal for legal reasons. But trust me, they will be significant. Paul, do you think dave is gonna be mad when he finds out youre here . Wait a minute, im here . No, its a mini residency. Hell be okay. Jimmy yeah, i forgot about that. I forgot that, youre correct. Our first guest tonight is a multitalented entertainer who now, officially, does it all, at the booth theater on november 29th. She makes her broadway debut in a new play written by steve martin called meteor shower. Please say hello to amy schumer. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome, amy. Wow. Jimmy what is this . How ya doing . Im good. Jimmy thanks for coming. Im your first guest in new york. Jimmy you are, indeed. Im honored. Jimmy im honored. Imt. Not as honored as me. And i wanted to give you a good luck vase. And this is the only thing i put flowers in, in my home. I dont know what youre allowed to travel with. Jimmy thank you. This is a vase, you say . Yes. Did you smell it . Jimmy very herbal. Super herbal. Jimmy almost a jamaican theme. It does. Jimmy is this a drug bomb . What jimmy sorry. Didnt mean to assume anything. Thank you for coming here and for bringing me this gift. But this is your town, born here, raised here, you live here now. What cities have you lived in, what boroughs have you lived in . Isnt it great . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy have you lived in brooklyn . Representing lenox hill, whats up . Jimmy this is very exciting, this whole thing with steve martin. Were you like a theater kid . I was. Started doing plays when i was 5. Jimmy oh, 5 . Yeah, ive been doing them forever. And i know people just think like i stand on the stage and talk about my vaj jimmy well, it is on your linkedin profile. Thats true. Which you guys have to join. And im super excited about this because ive been doing tv and movies for a little and you have to not drink as much. Jimmy is that true . Well, in a closeup, here we have the Barbara Walters lighting so it doesnt matter. But on movies [ laughter ] no, she has really good lighting. If you were ever on the view, youre just eyes and a floating head. Jimmy ive never felt more gorgeous. Im like, am i a 10 on the view . Anyway, you can get hammered and wake up late, its just a good schedule. Jimmy thats a lovely way of approaching it. Its good. I had a really cool weight gain last winter. Has anyone ever had the kind of weight gain, where your coats dont fit . [ laughter ] jimmy planning to have one this week. Exactly. This is the week to do it. But its your jeans. But if its like a pea coat, you cant be like its not like washing your coat. Have you ever washed a coat in your life . Jimmy i dont know. Guillermo, have you ever had a coat washed in your life . No, never. He gets it. Jimmy does that worry you . If i gain or lose weight . Jimmy just being in kind of an unhealthy situation. Sure. And especially were so blessed with the internet that people give you constant feedback on your looks, its so and thank you for mean tweets, promoting it. Such a cool time. [ applause ] thank you for all of your feedback on my face and body. But sometimes it kinda backfires on the trolls because the other day somebody tweeted about me, amy schumers body looks like a bag of mashed potatoes. And i was like, okay, now i need mashed potatoes. And i had them [ laughter ] i havent had those in a while. Jimmy so you saw it as an inspiration . Yeah. Jimmy your brother is here with us tonight . Yes, he is. Jimmy and theres a special reason why. Yeah. Jimmy because your brother and are the only two adults that i know who played the bass clarinet. Thats right. Jimmy and your brother is a professional bass clarinet player and hes sitting in with cleto and paul and the guys. [ cheers and applause ] he even has a cd and all. The hottest instrument right now is the bass clarinet, as you can see. Look at that. Jimmy and hes got a quartet and everything. Hes going on tour and hes got a website and all this stuff. Jason, would you mind sharing a story that perhaps might be embarrassing about your sister, amy, when you were growing up . Oh you could just play music. Id love to, love to. Hi jase. Hey, ames. Good to see you. Yeah, you too. Remember when we grew up together . Yeah, im going to focus on that. When i was about 16 this story is about amy. I was in the jewish junior olympics playing basketball. One person. One person is pretty psyched about that. Jewish olympics. [ applause ] and we were warming up before the game, shooting layups and i see my sister on the side of the Court Running out with her arms open at me. And i was like, amy, whats going on . She ran up to me, gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear, jase, i just got my period. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy you really are very comfortable. From the bottom of my heart did not remember that. [ laughter ] just so you know, that was the first time i got it. I wasnt just going up to tell him about any one. Jimmy it was historic. Yeah. Can i Say Something approximate. Jimmy sure. You can always bum a tampon, you dont need to buy one. Because someone will hook you up. Jimmy e oh, i know. Sure. So i asked i was doing a photo shoot because im very beautiful and im at the photo shoot and i asked, it was a room of women, because you dont even have to say the words, you can just go, does anybody and this girl was like, yeah, i do. And she goes in front of the whole room, what size . [ laughter ] and im like, i know theres different sizes of tampons, obviously. But no ones ever confronted me. Like whats the circumference of your do you have a big hole or do you have a little how big is the hole in your body . Like, do you have something in a gaping . How about gaping . Jimmy on that note, perhaps well take a break. Amy schumer is here. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live in brooklyn are brought to you by bank of america of america. Tuesday is pay back a friend day. Get the Bank Mobile Banking app and get ready to settle up. Who does he leave the snowmen for . [ distorted voice ] by the time you read this, [ distorted voice ] i will have built a new snowman. Have you seen anything like this . Never like this. [ gasp ] the snowman. Rated r. In theaters friday. When you ache and havent youre not you. Tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. We give you a better night. Youre a better you all day. Tylenol®. [ america by simon can i cross it off yet . Almost. And. Now. The volkswagen atlas. With available digital cockpit. Lifes as big as you make it. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx [ cheers and applause ] at Stanford Health care, we can now repair complex aortic aneurysms without invasive surgery. If we can do that, imagine what we can do for varicose veins. And if we can precisely treat eye cancer with minimal damage to the rest of the eye, imagine what we can do for glaucoma, even cataracts. If we can use dna to diagnose the rarest of diseases, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. Imagine what we can do for you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. We are back in brooklyn with samey schumer. Amys brother jason stein is sitting in with the band on base clarinet, of all instruments. He tours with you, when you go out and do standup . That man does arenas. Jimmy youve been performing together for some time actually. Yes, and i couldnt think of about embarrassing stories because you know i dont get embarrassed. But i have a clip of the two of us dancing to Michael Jackson and id like to show. Jimmy lets look at it. Amy and her brother. [ applause ] jimmy i can see the chemistry. Amy . Steve martin himself asked you to be in this play that he wrote. Yes, he did. Jimmy thats the best thing ever, isnt it . Isnt that crazy . Jimmy theres Nothing Better than that. No, hes my hero. Jimmy well, of course. This is a photograph. Tell us whats going on here in this photograph. This is a dinner at steves house. Jimmy Steve Martins house. Oh, yeah. I just call him steve. Its crazy. Jimmy you guys are close. Stevie. Jimmy edie brickell, seinfeld, lauren michaels, dave letterman, steves wife ann, amy does not have a husband. Jimmy and daves wife regina. How about that night, huh . Jimmy was that like a pot luck thing . In a way. Jimmy did you bring anything . Um, yes. Oh, i brought a flag whistle for his daughter. Jimmy did she like it . She did, but it turns out the parents didnt care for that gift at all. Theyre so fun, for all ages. Slide whistle. Jimmy has it been fun working with steve on this . Yes. Jimmy when did you meet him first . I met him about ten years ago. I was cohosting this music show on the fuse network with mark hopith. Jimmy from blink 182 . Yeah. I love him. And steve was on with his bluegrass band. And he was so giving. And they have a new album out. Youve gotta get it, the long awaited album. [ applause ] he would call that a smattering. So anyway, we had to film these promos and its nice that he was willing to do these promos. And he kept asking for more takes. Can i do one more . We got to do a bit together. And i walked out into times square and i called my mom and my dad and i cried, telling them that i got to a bit with steve martin. And i did his play in college. And he signed it for me when i met him at the show. Jimmy you brought the play . It had wine all over it. Jimmy so he knew. Little offended by that. Jimmy but he knew it had been used. Wow, this is unbelievable. I cant wait to see him. Jimmy so the previews start at the beginning of november, november 1st, and the official start of the show is november 29th. Amy schumer well be right back with dj khaled. Dicky portions of jimJimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by bank of america. Learn more at bank of america. Com friends again. This. That one. Ltry align probiotic. N your digestive system . For a nonstop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. Get 24 7 digestive support, with align. The 1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. Also in kids chewables. 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Jimmy were so happy to be back here in brooklyn, i see so many familiar faces. Guillermo, i heard you ran into an old friend today. Yes, i did, jimmy. It was very bad. Jimmy im sorry to hear that. But then it got better thanks to the help of the bank of america app. Hey, my man . What its good to see you again. Whats the matter . Remember the last time you came to brooklyn and we went to mustache palooza together . Oh, yeah, i wanted to buy a hot for my mustache burks but i didnt have any cash, and you loaned me some money. And you didnt pay me back. I never paid you back . Not ever. Never . No. And youre sure . No. I never pay you back . No. So what youre saying is, i didnt pay you back . No. I didnt . No. No wonder you dont let me anymore. Its okay, guillermo. Its pay back a friend day. Thats great. But i still dont have the cash to pay you back. Do you have a phone . Yeah. Just open the bank of america app, use it to send money, request money, or even use it to split a bill. I got it. And to celebrate, i got you a present. What . A mustache hat its perfect. I love you. I love you, guillermo. Can i borrow 30 . Sure. You can send it to me on the bank of america app. Yeah. Its time to settle up, pay back a friend day is october 17th, presented by bank of america. Hey, jimmy are you using the bank of america app . Bank of america app . Jimmy no, im buying tickets to mustachepalooza. But thank you. Well be right back with dj khaled. Cards. Your old magic set . sigh and this wrestling ticket. Which you still owe me for. Seriously . 25 . I didnt even want to go. Ahh, your diary mom says it is totally natural. 25 is nothing. alert beep abracadabra, bro. Pay back a friend day is october 17th. Get the bank of america mobile banking app today. avo if yourand youve triedlly pain any number of laxatives, probiotics, and fiber, it could be wearing on you. Tell your doctor what youve tried and how long youve been at it. Linzess works differently from laxatives. 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Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. Jackbreak up your breakfast routine with your choice of two grilled pockets filled with either ham or sausage. Both made with freshly cracked eggs and two melty cheeses. All jam packed into a warm, grilled flour tortilla. So give your tired old breakfast a wakeup call. Try jacks breakfast pockets for just two bucks. But youd better hurry, because if you snooze, youll lose out on this deal. Come try jacks breakfast pockets, each for just two bucks. Only from jack in the box. Jimmy music of sound smith is on the way. Amy schumer is here. Our next guest is a platinumselling music producer and champion of cocoa butter whos got more major keys than the steinway piano factory in queens. You can see him on the live stream of tidal x brooklyn tomorrow night at 8 00 p. M. Please bless it up for dj khaled [ cheers and applause ] jimmy first of all, welcome. That is the greatest. We in brooklyn right now jimmy thats true. Before you even do your thing, i want to praise you. Youre such a great father. You are a great father. And we do the interview and all that, but shout at jimmy because he uses his platform to show love. [ cheers and applause ] im so grateful to be here. So many other stars and celebs and other great people that could have been in this chair. Look at me, dj khaled live brooklyn on jimmy [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you know i love you, but what people may not realize is that amy paid to charity, donated 50,000 to jet ski with dj khaled. Offered this up for the project for red. I got a bargain. Jimmy have you guys done your jet ski trip yet . We talked backstage. Yeah, we did talk. I want to do it. Were going to do it. Were doing it jimmy i want jimmy kimmel to film this and have him on the jet ski too beside us and do the show live in the ocean. Live in the ocean miami. Jimmy i dont think anybodys ever done a show live in the ocean. We gonna do it, arent we . [ cheers and applause ] they cant keep us out of the ocean. They cant. Its our ocean jimmy its a public ocean. I look good tonight, man. Jimmy you do look good. I always love coming on these shows, because i come on jimmys show, i get to put my fly outfit on. You look great. Thank you. Jimmy youre being honored by the save the Music Foundation and thats im sure a big deal for you. Definitely. Jimmy what is it . You know, its all the blessings that god has given me to work with the young world, with getting food and i buy instruments for the school programs. Not just one school, but we made a national situation. Jimmy thats great. Its given so many keys to the young world out there to uplift them, especially through hard times right now, fire, you understand. So the more wins and the more blessings god gives me, every day i want to do more of just giving to the kids and uplifting them. Jimmy and lifting up the kids. Your son, who is adorable, by the way, one of the cutest kids ive ever seen. Thank you. Jimmy he is almost 1. Yeah. Jimmy hes the executive producer of your most recent album. Yes. Jimmy he is the only executive producer. Not like hes 1 of 11. No, the only one. Jimmy when is his birthday . His birthday is october 23rd. And speaking of him being the executive producer, the album that hes the executive producer on went platinum. Jimmy right. It went gold in two weeks. You know what im saying, my biggest album and my son is my biggest blessing. Hes changed my life. Man, im happy jimmy you should be. He must be happy. Jimmy i love that boy. Speaking of his birthday, friends with bupuff daddy. We throwing a Big Birthday Party for his size. Puff daddy got be involved. Me and puff were talking, going to do Something Big for assad. Jimmy does he care . Doesnt he just want a bounce house and not puff daddy . You know, he a king. Hes an executive producer. Jimmy doesnt he have to work that day . Its a weekday, isnt it . Well, right now, you know what im saying jimmy hes going to take the day off . Hes gonna take a day off. Jimmy and will puff daddy buy him a gift . He doesnt have to. Jimmy yes, he does. I like that, i like that. He doesnt have to, but i like that. Puff, whats going on, boy . Jimmy i have a gift just for you and the baby. You were very nice to send me and my son matching sweaters. This is the major key to the city. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and in honor of brooklyn, i dont know if its appropriate for babies, but we got you some hand made artisanal cocoa butter. This is i mean, you rub that stuff on, rub it on the baby. Thank you. Jimmy it is going to be a beautiful thing. So many great things happening in brooklyn. You know, i love brooklyn. I love the jamaican food. And i also love, tomorrow we doing a bit with jayz. Jimmy benefit concert. Help rise up puerto rico and all the victims from the hurricanes, earthquakes, its so much going on. And just to get it all on one stage to donate money and raise money. Jimmy its a big show . Huge show. Jayz, j. Lo, stevie wonder, dj chaise khaled jimmy dj khaled watch the live stream of tidal x brooklyn tomorrow night at 8 00 eastern. Well be right back [ cheers and applause ] dicky music in brooklyn on Jimmy Kimmel Live is brought to you by mercedesbenz the best or nothing. You get a companion ticketes visaevery year. Card so why not take. Me . I mean i always spell your name right. Seriously, take me, i cant listen to this playlist any longer. Im thinking mexico, and im a quick packer. dog panting another 2am stroll, huh . Im worried. I have this medical bill. Dave, you have anthem, and they have people to talk to who are empowered to help answer any question you. dog grunting, panting is. Is he okay . Real people . Living and breathing. Hopefully not breathing like that. For all the things that keep you up at night, Anthem Blue Cross has a solution. Dicky music in brooklyn on Jimmy Kimmel Live is brought to you by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy i want to thank amy schumer, dj khaled, and flava flav, jason steen, and apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time for him. Nightline is next, but first their album is called american dream. Here with the song tonite, lcd soundsystem [ cheers and applause ] everybodys singing the same song it goes tonight tonight tonight tonight i never realized these artists thought so much about dying but truth be told we all have the same end could make you cry cry cry cry cry but im telling you this is the best news youre getting all week my friend matt. Oh sure its ruling the airwaves what remains of the airwaves and were frankly thankful for the market psychology youre hipping us to and all the hits are saying the same thing theres only tonight tonight tonight tonight tonight tonight and life is finite but it feels like forever it feels like forever oh is everybody feeling the same stuff were all wild except for you and you know who you are this is a love song and youre getting older i promise you this youre getting older and theres improvements unless youre a winner and the futures a nightmare, and theres nothing i can do theres nothing anyone can do about this and oh oh oh im offering you a chance to get even but oh oh oh you know very well the dialect of negation sure enemies haunt you with spit and derision but friends are the ones who can put you in an exile but thats not right and youre too sharp to be used or youre too shocked from being used by these bullying children of the fabulous raffling off limited Edition Shoes and whats it you do again oh im a reminder the hobbled veteran of the disk shop inquisition set to parry the cocksure of memstick filth with my own late era middleaged ramblings every lover favors the same things its all touch me touch me touch me touch me tonight we maybe realize what it is we need before we die and luck is always better than skill at things were flying blind oh good gracious i sound like my mom but out of the little rooms and onto the streets youve lost your internet and weve lost our memory we had a paper trail that led to our secrets but embarrassing pictures have now all been deleted by versions of selves that we thought were the best ones till versions of versions of others repeating come laughing at everything we thought was important while still making mistakes that you thought you had learned from and reasonable people know better than you that cost in the long run but they dont know the short game and terrible people know better than you the use and abuse of the wants of dear listener so you will be badgered and taunted and told that youre missing a party that youll never get over you hate the idea that youre wasting your youth that you stood in the background oh until you got older but thats all lies thats all lies thats all lies thats all lies [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. Tonight, a soldiers plea. Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl of course red from the taliban under president obama, called a traitor by then president ial candidate trump. Now faces prison after pleading guilty to desertion. But has he already been punished enough . Im just going to die here from sickness. In our abc news exclusive interview. Plus, play at home dad, the former baseball mega star Alex Rodriguez taking us inside his home base. His life in the stands, cheering on new girlfriend jennifer lopez. The best show ive ever seen