Transcripts For FOXNEWSW Gutfeld 20240703

[ ] yes indeed. I know. I know. I know. I know. I couldnt agree more. It is friday see you know that means. Lets welcome tonights just. She says wholly as the southern border. Host of Fox News Sunday shannon bury. [ cheering and applause ] while most are still snoring he is on air being boring. Fox first host todd pyro. [ cheering and applause ] shes petite not need to and refuses to eat. New york times best selling author and contributor. [ cheering and applause ] and hes large in charge and still listens to debarge. New york times bestselling author comedian and former nwa world champion. All right. Yeah, baby before we get to stories lets do this. [ ] leftovers. Greg its leftovers where i read the jokes we didnt use this week but as always its my first time reading than so if they sack will send joe mackey to a College Campus wearing i hate palestinians shirt. Joe biden used the white house Correspondents Dinner to show the world hes not too old to be president. But he did show them hes too old to eat dinner. Ozzy osbourne wants to perform again saying i would like to do an effing gig without falling over. Same said 1 old man. Yeah. Ice cream shop worker in minnesota was fired for accepting a 100dollar tip because the shop owner says some elderly customers have dementia. I wonder which customer tipped her. Terrible. Federal Officials Say that in 2023 Older Americans were built out of more than 3. 4 billion by online scammers. And related news President Biden took out a Reverse Mortgage on the white house. So california has been ranked 1 of the most dangerous places to raise a family. On the bright side its been ranked 1 of the safest places to murder her family. Good news for you shannon. Maile ozempic users are saying 1 of the side effects of the drug is erectile dysfunction. But despite that most of the patients looked great. Why do i sign up for this monthtomonth. Greg Another Boeing Whistleblower has died suddenly. That makes 2 whistleblowers dead. Imagine working at boeing right now. Thankfully the company asked all employees with concerns to refer to the chapter in the Human Resources manual in case you die suddenly. They should have another chapter that says no whistleblowing. [ laughter ] sex shop in San Francisco named may National Masturbation month because apparently we need a month for that. What a bunch of jerk offs. [ applause ] shannon is blushing. Yes. In her new book entitled No Going Back christina details the time she had to shoot a difficult and trainable dog. I thought she was talking about me said 1 man. Google it if you dont get the joke. Any van halens exwife shared in the documentary that her ex was into Drinking Drugs and cheating on her. Yup another woman surprised by a rock start acting like a rock star. Coming soon in documentary featuring a shocking expose of a bear [ bleep ] in the woods. California lawmaker introduced a bill banning excessive homework because if theres 1 thing the world doesnt need its smarter californians. Washington dc mayor Muriel Bowser is boasting that the city has gone entire week without a murder. Congratulations. And in the last 10 minutes i havent called joy behar ugly. Yet. The biotin administration announced they will declassify part is a serious drug in order to court young voters. They also declassified fentanyl to court dead voters. I know. Mcdonalds has announced plans to make the largest burger ever and its already been endorsed by a panel of trusted experts. The number of transgender troops in the u. S. Army has doubled since 2020. Prompting this new design of the famous uncle sam poster. Uk Police Released a poster of a wanted criminal that people think looks a lot like Secretary Of Transportation Pete Buttigieg when asked if he was concerned mayor pete said what me worried . A mr Softy Tracking app has the ability to locate every Ice Cream Truck in nyc. And you wont believe the guy who created it. All right. To the news. So after spoiled riders caused distress someone else cleans up the mess source cops break up in kevins at our nations colleges we are seeing the litter and distraction the protesters left behind. Ucla looks like a landfill matching the rest of california. Well done protesters. Just a few days you did but it took the homeless years to accomplish with skidrow. Tons of graffiti Cover University buildings which is the most writing the students have done all year. The garbage left behind by people who regularly chastise you over the environment. Its now like every liberal city all thats missing is aborted up walgreens and blm mansion. Now Campus Employees are left cleaning up the mess. And you paying for. Meanwhile at Portland State you police moved into breakup the occupation of the Campus Library where this happened. [ cheering and applause ] yeah,. Stop youre under arrest. [ cheering and applause ] nice shield sir flops a lot. This is what happens were nerds from The Drama Club make their own props. I only hope they saved a few trash cans because they need them for the resumes. But thats still not as funny as this classic moment. Youre hurting me. Youre hurting me. That makes 301 times i watched it. And here straight from new pulse new york schools President Prophetically Lessons as protesters claim 10s on campus should be allowed because sometimes they have hammocks Special Retake down the 10s . No. Reporter 10s or problem i know thats in a policy. Hammocks on the policy and thats been ignored for years on end and is used in the marketing campaigns. Its unfair we are using the policy now but have not been using to the hannahs for years on. The hammocks dont stare permanently. When its nice out hammocks are out 24 7. I see marketing and social media team frequently is that. Greg thats like saying its okay to kill people because sometimes Hillary Clinton does. But im no fan of hammocks either. That knitting makes my bear [ bleep ] look like a honeybaked ham. We also saw these losers demanding Food Delivery because their lives are in danger. Do you on students to die of dehydration and starvation or get severely ill even if they disagree with you . This is basic humanitarian aid. Could people have a glass of water. No. Theyre so used to having their demands catered to they literally demand catering. Never before have people who have contributed so little demanded so much. So this may be the most hilarious protest in history. But in this comedy its easy to forget how hateful they really are. So lets do some reminding. When you have an ideology that encourages the execution of gays and unmarried girls were not virgins we can say that is evil. Its obvious because its brutal and causes suffering. But theres something just as evil and its the intent, the pleasure and certitude driving those evil acts. We are not seen these acts on campus but what youre seeing in those faces and voices are the seeds of them. The certitude, blind dogma and impulse for retribution, the spores of october 7. It is why you cannot Equate Islamophobia with antisemitism. This helps and so i the protesters seem so naive yet hangry tech inc. Current but deadly certain, passionate but deeply unwell. They are physically and spiritually sick, for their operating from the manual of a punitive ideology and i dont mean as long. I mean another iteration of marxism that simply absorbs new allies. They dont wish to progress but to punish. So as he scanned these images you see a profound ugliness. Not just the appearances. It is the souls and thats no laughing matter. [ cheering and applause ] greg Shannon Shannon that weather you look like heavens angel. You see what they did to the campuses, the graffiti. Obviously you can paint over it that thats actual destruction. Thats criminal and they probably will not be charged for and the taxpayers will foot the bill. Is a lawyer what say you, and as shannon what say you . What i say is its hard for them to success to take this seriously when they havent taken seriously. The planning of the revolution and to be fair maybe some this is their first resolution has not gone well. Theyre putting out demands of lists they want vegan meals. They want electrical generators. They want zip ties. What are they going to be doing with that . They are asking for prescription meds. If you cannot plan your protests appropriately i dont know why other people are supposed to come bail you out. Some folks say what about the resumes . They have a criminal record all those kind of things. I would not not higher than because of their ideology or whatever if im an employer. I would say these people cannot handle basic tasks. They did not plan this well so for that reason is an employee would not be interested. A lot of people dont now but you were quite the protester mainly against the ban of khakis at the country club. Some but he had to take a stand. You are on the front lines. You are the rosa parks of the golf cart. No. I just came up with that. Just gave me the headshake. Do think theyll face any real punishment . You claim to be a lawyer. We know that they wont. Thats whats so wrong because we as a society right now theres no consequences to any bad action, and thats not how you run a society. If you other observations. That a video of them running with the half garbage can looks like those individuals have never watched a sport before much less participated in 1. Secondarily we need to give those cops across our country huge props because not only you can clap for that. Not only did they risk their lives and their safety to go into it clearly was an unknown situation for a lot of them but they literally went into Human Septic Tank to do so. None of those people showered for days leading up to that. And finally my last piece of red meet for the base. Thats why youre here. For those that are vegan i think the best punishment would be lock them in a room with a big juicy steak. Literal red meet for the base. I figured out the formula. He figured it out. Everybody. It only took me 3 years on the show. Prostituting their cheers. 100 and 10 . Okay is it possible that this is endorsed protest ever. Its just that it doesnt have the romantic lens like weve always seen the sixties and seventies through 16 millimetre film. It is grainy and kind of like its cinematic. But all of the stuff is on phones. We see everything, like the pettiness. Would it be this protests were a lot like this all along. I can believe you didnt bring up you chicago list of demands. They had dental dams, plan b and hiv tests. Okay. So 2 things. First of all the obvious is what do you guys doing over there. The second thing is they did not ask for condoms. There was no men there. For the hiv tests over condoms. What are you doing guys . Greg hiv tests. Putting the cart before the proverbial horse. Right. Greg where is that shirt from . I am selling them. Thank you. [ cheering and applause ] yeah, theres also mugs as well. Theres mugs as well. Beautiful hand model. The boomers own all the homes but the rest of us can at least on these shirts and those mugs. These are normal size just so you know. Greg all right tyrus. Are you a hammock . [ laughter ] i will make 1 out of you and todd. [ cheering and applause ] i disagree on 1 thing. Police officers did not need props. They need raises. Lets get some money. In your face. I need today for it. I can get like this. See . They are the worst because their commitment is based on camera time. If you were really down to protest where is the Hunger Strike . You know what im saying . Because in the seventies they did Hunger Strikes and they were there to the point where the other side was like what do you want . It is day 13. It is day 20. A gregory went damn near year Drinking Water and stuff while protesting. So they are not really committed they are doing it for this. Its only time shes ever going to get that much attention. Thats why they asked for stuff. Theyre not really down for any of this. And another thing is they have been given a wonderful solution. The beautiful entertaining university of iran has offered them all scholarships. I say we all Get A Gofundme together and get him some tickets. [ cheering and applause ] thats how you do it. I didnt have to ask. I have been served. Greg you have. We must move on. Cannot song about the mile high keep denver from look, things may seem fine down there, but you need to watch out for diseases. Ill be okay. 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With dupixent, the number one prescribed biologic by dermatologists and allergists, they can stay ahead of their eczema. It helps block a key source of inflammation inside the body that can cause eczema to help heal your childs skin from within. Serious allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Tell your doctor about new or worsening eye problems such as eye pain or vision changes including blurred vision, joint aches and pain, or a parasitic infection. Dont change or stop asthma medicines without talking to your doctor. Show off to the world. Ask your childs Eczema Specialist about dupixent. Its video of the day. [ cheering and applause ] i should probably 10 my arms. They hope to cut water demand by aping a boy band. Video of the day comes from Denver Colorado where the local Water Department released the Backstreet Boys parity about responsible summer water usage. Debra suffers from extreme and accelerating Drought Conditions but enough about the broncos. So bad in fact that back in 2021 the firstever federal Emergency Water shortage declaration was declared. But fear not helpful water tips are here. The world needs water attack when it gets harder believe these dry days that i water that. Tamayo my the waters rainy, dont matter when its raining tell me why. I dont know about you but ive never felt more motivated to conserve water. I want more that way. Dont water in the daytime, dont water in the sunshine, dont let it all evaporate, i water that way now i can see that youve taken the heart, the watering rules baby greg well. [ laughter ] got to hand it to them. Thats not bad considering it has been decades since the Backstreet Boys made anyone moist. [ laughter ] you, you were in a book band boy band called the Brooks Brothers. Yeah. We were awesome. We crushed j. Crew. It was like the nineties. J. Crew, banana republic. I was Brooks Brothers. I thought we were the best. Greg good for you. Thank you. Greg 2 lived j. Crew. Persuasive, wise way to spend money . I was pretty sure the most disturbing video of the week was the video of the protests. I stand corrected. So you mentioned the. 25 years ago way to strike while the irons are hot denver. He really got after out there all of whom are my age now and if i didnt denver and i see this im turning on all my faucets. Im turning on my spring first 24 7 and flushing my toilet with reckless abandon. They need to be taught a lesson. Thats not right. Greg all right. Strong. We didnt take any prisoners with the Brooks Brothers band. Thought you guys were a capella. Dont worry about it. You know you dont have a lawn. We cant really lecture these poor people or can we. Lets do it. I dont have outside. Maybe someday. I think this was not persuasive not really particularly because of the song but also i was noticing when i watch the video the grass and it looks like [ bleep ]. Do it the way we say to do it. It is all brown and dying. Look at that. You grass looks like that all your neighbours talk about how you are on drugs probably or something. Come on. At least find some living grass. Greg think about all the water you need to clean those white, what are the called outfits . Clothes. Clothing. Greg did you know the makers of coors pledged to brew their beer with 22 less water . What would be left . I dont know. I have been gainfully employed 30 years so there is no need for coors. Looks a money that they spent on this they could have bought a [ bleep ] ton of Water Bottles and pasta them out. This is the problem with woke america. They try to make everything fun. Its a [ bleep ] drought. Ocasio some dead cattle with the bones rotted out. People fighting over the streets for a bottle of water. Thats an attention getter. I dont want someone to look into my house and steal my yard hose. May be i will be concerning my water. Conserving my water. If im sitting at home eating a tv dinner, maybe im going to take a bath tonight. Like instead of a shower. Give them real information. The best part at the end they have you know about the Little A Capella band you were in, the 1 at the end wasnt hitting the note. Sometimes he forgot to tell the truth instead of trying to make it cute because i want to do is punch someone Drinking Water. Shannon. [ applause ] greg im going to get a little factual on you. Do you know who gets the most water from the Colorado River . California. Most of their water rights are earmarked for the imperial district in southern california. So this is actually about water rights. Just like that movie chinatown. Whole movie was about water rights. What is california because of the problems . A lot of the stuff is litigated where i spent a lot of my time at the Supreme Court because water is a valuable commodity out west and they are suing each of the left and right. Going into the sows prepared to hate this video and i didnt. I kind of loved it. The voices are not bad. There are numerous costume and set changes have we of all talked about. A lot of money spent on this thing. And time away from work and offices. So could the money have been spent differently good question. I was Getting Place are added know if we have video of this, the menacing dancing toilet. Who looks very frightening. Has sort of a tool and is kind of hitting in his hands like he is gone to show up at your house i can going to take care of business. I might be inside trying to take care of business. And they are there to police how im doing it so i was with them until the dancing toilet. I would love to have a dancing toilet. You dont . I know exactly how to shut it up. Up next why did they take a solo of me when you talk about taking a crap . Thats very odd. Must have been your last joke. Thats it. Thats 1 too many. You are disinvited from the Brooks Brothers reunion tour. Take my eyes not my ticket. 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You dont have to worry about anything when youre protected by americas numberone motorcycle insurer. Well, you definitely do. Those things arent related, so. Ah, yee oh, that is a vibrating pain. We got another clip for you. Its video of the day part 2 is robotics rapidly advancing . Witness this dogs dancing. Our second video of the day comes from boston dynamics who unveiled a friendly fir covered version of the robot dog spot. Introducing sparkles. Wheres Christine Bowman you need her . By the way shes going to be on tuesday so should be fun. Bring your pet night. I have to say theyre really like her now. I bet. What do you make of this masquerade in this machinery as something carly. You know who must be really worried about this . Puppeteers. Filak theres probably not that many of those jobs as it is. And now robots are going to be doing . Thats true. Its hard to find puppeteer work. I lived with 1 once. Did you really love with a puppeteer . Yeah, when i first started you first hire me i was living with the puppeteer in brooklyn. A legend. A puppeteer in brooklyn. Thats were you hired. Talk to yourself not made. Tyrus its like putting a onesie on a machine gun. Its still a machine gun. Literally last week the same cute fuzzy dog had a flamethrower so just because you sprinkle it up but still a death machine. The only thing is with superabsorbent dog fir it might slow down my water attack a little bit. But i dont know. Who is this for the terminally ill . Whos going to be in the hospital wanting to see this coming up to him . All the movements are robotic and lack any soul or life. Its scary. Like if my daughter is getting her chances of here comes the robot dogs and then shes in trauma. Like nobody. Is just going to be something that carries your luggage. Its not going to be a pet. This is 1 of those things were coloured a dog because its on 4 legs but its basically going to put can basically be a coffee table it moves. My question is who is this for and why when we know theres a deadly heartless Killing Machine underneath this, every 10 people see the videos they are horrified and have nightmares about it can to put something fluffy on top of it then makes me ask the question like why are they trying to integrate this into our hearts and homes in any way. Greg you answer her. He always sides with the robots. Thank god to me this is sort of like clowns who we know most are terrifying and scary but weve all seen the movie where they are in their cute disguises look all fluffy and cute but they show up at the carnival and start killing everybody. Ill never trust this dog. Thank god we do have a robot here today. Its kind of interesting because its like they claim its a robot but you cannot call something a robot if its programmed. If theres somebody off on the side going like this a robot has to be autonomous. I think this is false advertising. I think its stupid. Wife you are dressing up as a dog why did you just sit in drag . This is a drag a dog. This is a drag dog. Youre so redmeat today. Whats happening to our robot dogs . Asks todd pyro. This is great for us. I just got a segment for monday show. Im going to piss pitch is a seaman you want in the robots come and kill all of us this Dylan Mulvaney robot going after us. Did i go too far . Sort the Brooks Brothers a cappella concert we are going to serve the vegans stake [ cheering and applause ] i got this. They just gave me a look like an going to die after the show. We must move on. Coming up joe mumble remember when i said we need to screen for colon cancer . Was that after i texted the age to screen was now 45 . [both] because i said cologuard® hey there where did he come from . Yup, with me you can screen at home. Just talk to your provider. [both] well screen with cologuard and do it my way. Cologuard is a oneofakind way to screen for colon cancer thats effective and noninvasive. Its for people 45 at average risk, not high risk. False positive and negative results may occur. Ask your provider for me, cologuard. A story in 5 words. Greg story in 5 words. Biden ally japan xenophobic. Tyrus in a wednesday. Biden labelled our ally japan xenophobic for not accepting immigrants comparing them to china and russia. Is this proof biden can see anything, not remember it and have no consequences . Thanks to him xbox will be 10,000. Thanks a lot. I think its funny. We cant control our borders under telling other countries had to control theres. Thats a laugh. Its just nice to see joe piss on a country that isnt america. Redmeat. Well done. Its crazy there was a line in the article and i love 1 of japans leaders in response right is not that were xenophobic. We are being cautious after seeing your failures. And thats a big smack in the face. It underscores this notion joe tries to put out we are a country of immigrants. You are right. Those immigrants that were not illegal came here the proper way cat worked there tail off, became part of the American Dream and got the American Dream for themselves. The people coming over now that are illegal are doing at the wrong way and they are just sucking on the taxpayer teach. Todd has so much redmeat going on i am worried my cholesterol is upsetting here. What is a teat . When we were in the Brooks Brothers band. Youve got a lot of teat. Was that wrong . Greg i dont know. Shannon. Obviously japan is xenophobic. Look how godzilla. Heres my question this is not in camera because it was at a Fundraiser Swallow get from right white house is transcript. Was he reading off the prompter because you know if you put it in there hes going to say it. So i want to know was it scripted and the person who reported in the word xenophobic obviously get a deal with them but most likely it was offthecuff and thats what he really thinks because thats where the white house doesnt want him going on scripted in this kind of thing and if im japan this is the guy youre dating whos like im crazy about you you are awesome. Hes telling other people to lose 10 pounds and im single to courtice japan supposed to think about this . Maybe when he said xenophobic he met seen a warrior princess. I wasnt allowed to watch that. Yeah, i cojohn kirby said he just was saying immigrants are important part of this country like thats what he was sitting could have stopped it there instead of adding the part or he was like also japan you sack. If im japan im like barho where did that come from . No 1 is even talking about japan right now. Its crazy. Its the Opposite Of Trump Where trump will say nice things about everybody like north korea and then behindthescenes he will rip you a new 1. Joe biden does the opposite. Youll slap you on the back publicly and then [ bleep ] all of you in public. I just dont know why. Maybe hes senile. I mean its not even a joke anymore. I hate to tell you people. Maybe hes been on that teat too long. Greg we learn so much year. Knocked up next the last part of some people just know theres a better way to do things. Like bundling your home and Auto Insurance with allstate. Yeah, she knows. And some people. Dont. Like. Come on. Yikes ughh. No. You know, theres a better way. Save time and money by bundling your home and auto with allstate. Youre in good hands with allstate. [sfx] water lapping. [sfx] water splashing. [sfx] ambient laughing. [ cheering and applause ] youre watching mailing it in. Lets go fast so we get a few in. First question whats your favourite smell from cat head. Shannon. Sheldon green. Greg thats her husband. Smells like a man. Greg smells like a man. What does a man smell like. Like he can take care of business. All right. Aside from desperation what is your favourite smell . Why do i come here for this. Joe biden my kids after rebates them drive them in put them in their pjs. Its nice but also creepy. Your favourite smell . The small of thanksgiving in the kitchen. That is nice. That is nice. Cat . Im love when i am worried i might smell and i check i dont. Thats the best smell of all. I was going to say coffee. I like the smell of coffee. It drives me crazy and i have to go to the bathroom. Nice knockoff you i have to run to the bathroom. I knew it. This is a great question from jay chisholm. Did you ever get the birds and the bees talk from your parents . No. Not beyond dont. Whats that now . There is a talk. Interesting. Im not familiar. You never had the birds in the bees . My kids just arrived from stork. Did you ever get it . My kids just arrived from the stork because i never had a talk. Keep up. I learned about the birds in the bees from 1 leg and by a lady named claire. Greg that was you . Oh boy. Rip. Greg she could do a lot with that single leg. The word teat wasnt big enough for claire. Greg shannon. It was in the contest of a Sunday School lesson. Greg aunt people of each other god brings them together to celebrate the sacrament of marriage and the rest of it. Greg then they just get down and dirty. That was claire. I believe it is become 1. Greg my mom when i asked her where i came from literally pointed down there. Came from out of here between the legs. Thats what my mother said. And it got even more graphic but i wont get into it. We have time for another 1 . But eventually you most anxious about participating in and when the time came you found there wasnt much to have been anxious about todd . It was the first time on tv. Like this is your moment dont mess it up. I went to cover Indiana Jones movie premiere. I covered it and was financially are today getting roasted. Once per month. My first wrestlemania i was Stephanie Mcmahon said to me just think of it as youre performing in front of a city, like thats not better. And she was right. He could feel the heat and electricity from 70,000 people just watching like this. Greg cat. Getting married. Thats a good 1. Shannon. Every time i come on the show. And im going to get in trouble. So i just plan for it. Im going to say my first i took a vacation and didnt drink for the entire vacation and that it was going to be crazy and it was a good vacation. You want to tell them . s you are crazy. Dont go away. Everybody wants super straight, super white teeth. They want that Hollywood White smile. New sensodyne clinical white provides 2 shades whiter teeth and 24 7 sensitivity protection. I think its a great product. Its going to help a lot of patients. i thought water would help with these dry spots. Thats lawn disease. But Scotts Healthy Plus will cure it lawn disease . Been going around. So like other people have it and its not. Pick up a bag of the new Scotts Turf Builder healthy plus lawn food today. Feed your lawn. Feed it. man excuse me, would you mind taking a picture of us . tony no problem man thanks tony oh, yeah thats a problem you need verizon get the new iphone 15 pro with tons of storage. So you can take all the pics vo tradein any iphone in any condition and get iphone 15 pro on us. Only on verizon ava i was just feeling sick. And it was the worst day. Mom was crying. I was sad. Colton i was diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma. Brett once we got the first initial hit, it was just straight tears, sickness in your stomach, just dont want to get up out of bed. Joe theres always that saying, well, youve got to look on the bright side of things. Tell me what the bright side of Childhood Cancer is. Lakesha its a long road. Its hard. But saint jude has gotten us through it. Narrator Saint Jude Childrens Research Hospital works day after day to find cures and save the lives of children with cancer and other lifethreatening diseases. Thanks to generous donors like you, families never receive a bill from saint jude for treatment, travel, housing, or food, so they can focus on helping their child live. Ashley without all of those donations, saint jude would not be able to do all of the exceptional work that they do. Narrator for just 19 a month, youll help us continue the lifesaving research and treatment these kids need. Tiffany no matter if its a big business or just the grandmother that donates once a month, they are changing peoples lives. And thats a big deal. Narrator join with your debit or credit card right now, and well send you this saint jude tshirt that you can proudly wear to show your support. Nicole our family is forever grateful for donations big and small because its completely changed our lives and its given us a second chance. Elizabeth stewart saint judes not going to stop until every single kid gets that chance to walk out of the doors of this hospital cancerfree. Narrator please, dont wait. Call, go online, or scan the qr code below right now. [ Music Playing ] [ cheering and applause ] thank you. I love you america big weekend show is next. Hello everyone im charlie along